"Forever 58 or Forever Grouchy?"

After spending a week decorating my house and the last three days undecorating, I think next year I'm going to make some drastic changes and make it way more simple. I now know why my sister just puts up a little ceramic tree and calls it good. I went to bed the other night in a bad mood after hearing some disturbing news about some extended family members. All night long I kept thinking about it and becoming more upset. I had also been told to"stop being so bossy," and "it's not what you say, it's how you say it," that has made me not want to talk to anyone right now. We had some family come stay overnight and that was stressful also, so Candi thought she would do me a favor and take me on a ride to get me out of the house and hopefully out of the "doldrums." I hadn't put any makeup on and I was okay with that because we were just going to get some fresh air. Well, we ended up at the San Tan Mall in Macy's to do a little after Christmas shopping. I found a couple of blouses really cheap and then Candi and Tristyn wanted to go to Forever 21. She assured me it was just outside of Macy's and the exercise would do me good, so with my cane in hand off we went. Well, it isn't just outside of Macy's it's down the street and over a block. By the time we got there I was already tired, and if you have ever been in that store it has loud music and tons of people, not to mention wall to wall teenager clothes. Pushing a stroller with two young children and a handicapped person through the narrow aisles of the store was claustrophobic for me but we persevered. After about an hour of shopping I needed to get the heck out of there. Candi went and paid for her purchases and we took Major and started walking back towards Macy's. As we rounded the corner I saw a bench just sitting on the sidewalk on the side of the mall and took a seat. Tristyn took Major over to the bathroom and there we sat until Candi got the car and picked us up. It was fun to be out and about but with this dang hip it makes everything so much harder. It was so nice to get home and take a nice long, hot bath, take some pain reliever and go to bed. I was thinking this morning that I need to open a store that is named "Forever 58", or maybe even "Forever Grouchy," then maybe I could find something that would fit me in there.

Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

The most wonderful time of the year is coming to a close and boy am I happy. We had a really nice Christmas, it was very simple but we got through it. This year didn't really feel like Christmas, I don't know if it was because the weather was so warm or if I just never caught the spirit like years past. Maybe not being able to stay out late in the mall and shop until I couldn't walk another step was another reason. I have spent all day today taking down my decorations. It makes me crazy when my house is in disarray. I had Rich help me a little bit last night take down my huge wreath over the fireplace but it is still sitting in the family room where it will stay until next weekend probably. Spencer and Annie will be on their way from Colorado on Thurs. The Broncos put him on the Injured Reserve List (whatever that means) so he won't be playing the last two games because of his injured ankle. I have mixed emotions about that, it is so fun to watch him play, but I miss his little family and I have never even seen their new little baby girl. After dinner on Christmas Day we headed over to the cemetery. I could not believe how beautiful it was there. Rich made the comment that it was more decorated than on Memorial Day. I could not believe how creative people are in decorating the graves. There were trees, wreaths, bulbs, flowers, toys and every kind of decoration you can think of. I love Kamber's headstone. Ethan and Jenn did such a great job when they designed it. Every time I see it, it makes me smile. I miss her so much, there is definitely a hole in our family because of her passing, but now the hard part starts when we try and live a life worthy to live with her. It seems like I did pretty good for a couple of days last week but now the "after Christmas blues" has started to set in. I'm sure it's something in my childhood, it's for sure my parents fault. Ha Ha! I'm trying to pull myself out of the dumps so I can start the new year off right. Hopefully when I get all my decorations put away things will get better. The sun will come up tomorrow for sure! At least I hope so.

Will I Live To Tell About It?

I am wondering if I can make it through these next two days. I have proven that I can survive "hard things," but it seems like every day is hard lately. It doesn't matter how organized I try to be or get my shopping done early, it's always a mad dash to finish. I will be so glad when Christmas is over and I can get a good nights sleep. Last night after making four batches of caramel popcorn and doing some sewing I was so tired. I tried to read the paper but fell asleep about 11:00 p.m. At 1:30 a.m. I was in the deepest sleep when the dogs out back started barking their heads off. I waited for about five or ten minutes and then got up, turned on the light and started yelling at them to "SHUT UP!" They just kept on barking so Rich finally got up and went to the door and called them and told them to be quiet. He has had some tools and stuff stolen out of his barn so he put his pants and glasses on and headed out. He thought he saw a car sitting down at Mindi's so he went out their front door and crouched down behind his work trailer to see what was going on. I wanted him to just call the police but he's not afraid like I am. He said he was waiting by his trailer when he saw a guy walking a dog. Now, seriously who walks their dog at 2:00 a.m.? He soon realized it was a canine cop with a dog looking for someone who has been breaking into cars in our area. The cop told him he was lucky he stood up and put his arms up to tell him who he was and what he was doing because he almost let the dog go. When Rich came back to bed and told me about the excitement I was wide awake and couldn't settle back down until around 3:00 a.m. I don't know why I'm not able to get some good sleep. My cleaning girl came today but wasn't in the mood to help me, she was wanting to get on her way to California to spend it with family; I don't blame her. I finally just told her to leave and I could clean my own house. Yea, me with a cane in one hand and a vacuum in another. Hopefully Rich will be able to help on Christmas Eve. It's really hard to complain about him working so much when there are families with no work and no money. We thank the Lord every night we have a warm home and wonderful children and grand children. I don't know what I would do without my parents and their example of charity and sacrifice. I have too many blessings to count and I know how blessed I am to have the knowledge that we will be together and be able to see Kamber again. We wish you all a Merry Christmas! Hopefully I will live to tell about it.

Christmas Food Court Flash Mob, Hallelujah Chorus - Must See!

"Furnace of Affliction"

Yesterday I was so tired from Sunday I was looking forward to a really good nights sleep. Well, Rich decided that since he didn't get to go work out all last week he would get up at 4:00 a.m. and go to the gym. Well, I woke up as he left. I watched t.v. for a while and then tried to go back to sleep. I finally got back to sleep and when he came home and showered I woke up again. It put me in a really bad mood all day long and by noon I was feeling like I was getting the flu. I took some pain reliever to try and get rid of my raging headache and by 10:00 p.m. went to bed. I was sleeping so good until 2:00 A.M. this morning. I woke up and never did get back to sleep. At 4:00 a.m. Ethan called and he was in terrible pain possibly, another kidney stone. Mindi hasn't felt well for a couple of weeks, (that's a whole other story) and Spencer called and he has an injured ankle. He has battled injuries all season. He had a high ankle sprain that still isn't healed and then he's been nursing a pulled hamstring, then on Sunday a "big FAT lineman fell on his foot and injured him." He is just thankful it wasn't higher up his leg causing terrible knee damage. As I was talking to him about everyone being sick he said, "it looks like we are in the furnace of affliction."
I love to go shopping. Christmas just doesn't seem the same without strolling in the Mall watching all the people and going from store to store. This hip surgery has probably ended my all day mall shopping. I guess it will save me lots of money and time. I found this little clip on YouTube, I wish I could have been there, it would have been so fun!

Am I Scrooge or the Grinch?

Last night as I went to bed I felt extremely discouraged. My husband had worked twelve to fourteen hour days for six days. This means that yes, my Christmas lights still aren't up and running. A few strands are around the windows but we still look like poor white trash in the decorating dept. I spent all day working on Christmas cards so my house looks like a bomb went off. It seems like everywhere I look there is something that needs to be done. My sister called and we went over the food assignments for our extended family party this week. We both don't do so well when stressed out so I said, "I'll be Scrooge and you can be the Grinch." I also have been concerned about some family members who have decided to get divorced. How bad does it have to be to leave your family, give up on the church and live a different life style? Anyway, I woke up as Rich was leaving for his 6:00 a.m. church meetings and turned on the TV to the BYU channel. It was a really good talk given on how we need to help others who are struggling financially or spiritually. I got ready for church and off we went. I love the sacrament meeting the week before Christmas because it is mostly music. The choir sang so beautifully and it was really moving. Then our Bishop's wife gave one of the best talks I have ever heard. She talked about "what gifts are we going to give this Christmas?" She gave a quote that I thought was so good I wrote it down. "True happiness only happens when we make others happy." That's my problem, I'm too worried about myself and not others. She then went on to talk about giving the gift of gratitude, charity and mercy. In keeping the true spirit of Christmas we can do good things for others. She then went on to talk about how charity manifests itself when we are tolerant with others and accepting weaknesses and shortcomings in others and just accepting people for who they are. I finally realized that I can't change anyone or anything but myself. Instead of being the Grinch or Scrooge maybe I will just be the best I can be this holiday season, who cares about the lights anyway?

Third Christmas Without Kamber

I've been working hard trying to get as much done before the kids are out of school next week. It seems like when they are home all day it becomes quite complicated with them wanting to have friends over or be entertained all the time. It's a good thing we have children when we are young because I don't do much and I'm still frazzled. It seems like every day there are a million things to get done or errands to run. I got Spencer's family and Rich's Mom's gifts off to them on Tues., that is always a good feeling. I did my visiting teaching yesterday and I'm watching Troy while Mindi has gone to do hers. Every year I think that next year will be different, I'll be more organized, well that never happens, it is the same rat race every year. I have noticed that having surgery and getting old makes it way more difficult to get things done. Rich has been working 12-14 hour days trying to get a commercial job done by Monday. He still hasn't finished putting my Christmas lights up and at this point I'm losing hope that they will ever get up. Tristyn helped me for an hour the other night trying to hook up cords to get the power on. We got some of them working but after having two cords spark, scaring the cr#& out of me, not to mention the bad words I said, I thought it best I wait for him. I am married to probably the smartest handyman around but I could use an electrician to help me with my lights and pond problems. We are so thankful Rich has plenty of work. Last year at this time the business was so slow we didn't know if we were going to make it. We know how blessed we are to have work. This will be the third Christmas without darling spunky Kamber. I think about her every day especially when I'm shopping for the grand kids. What would I be getting for her? What does she look like? Who is she with and what is she doing? All these questions and NO answers right now. I'm sure we will visit the cemetery on Christmas Day, that is where the true meaning of Christmas is felt. I know that because of the birth of our Savior and his atonement, our family will be able to see Kamber again and hopefully live together as a family with our Heavenly Father.

A Rock and a Hard Place!

I survived a very busy weekend. It started with the stake high council party on Friday night. It was a fun evening with good food, great company and a fun white elephant gift exchange. We chose a good gift that someone quickly took, and in return got a box of screws and fasteners. We were pretty bummed when we left the party. Spencer called to let us know he was coming with the team even though he was injured. He wanted us to go out to the hotel to visit with him on Sat. evening. We picked my parents up and off we went to the Westin Keirland Resort. We had a nice visit with him and one of his teammates and it was a beautiful place for the team to stay. We didn't get home until around midnight and Rich had early meetings at 6:00 a.m. and 9:00 o'clock church. We had decided not to go to the game because number one it was on Sunday and number two he wasn't playing. We felt like we were in a bad spot because the team had him come because he is from Arizona so he could see his family. Anyway, after lots of going back and forth we decided to go to church and then out to the stadium. The game was horrible, typical Denver Bronco football. As I was sitting there watching all the people drinking, yelling and occasionally cussing it made me realize why we don't do these things on Sunday. It was impossible to feel any kind of spirit in that kind of environment. After the game we got to go see Spencer before he left back to Denver. As parents we will do anything for out kids to see them happy. As we went to bed last night we felt a mix of emotions. We had so much fun seeing our son and watch him on the field with the team, but we knew that isn't where we should be on Sunday. I'm glad we went but we probably will never go again. Life is all about choices and sometimes we make good ones and other times we kind of mess up. We did have a ton of fun being with our family and Spencer was so fun!

Got To Love Arizona In The Winter

What a crazy day! I started out the day with my three month appointment at the surgeon's office in Tempe. My x-rays show that my hip is healing really well so I'm happy about that. This is the first week I have felt like the surgery was worth it. Physical therapy helped a lot and I'm so thankful I haven't had any complications. It is humbling to see some of the trials others are going through and I am so blessed to be healing. After my appointment we "shopped our way home." I needed to pick up a few little things for the grand kids so I can mail Spencer and Annie's presents up to them. We finally ended up at Target and finished all my shopping.When we got home to pick Troy up he jumped in the car and darned if he didn't get in the back and pull out some of the toys I had bought for the kids. Then threw a big fit when we took them away and told him they are for Christmas. Why can't a four year old understand? Candi was nice and came to do the Larsen family hair cuts. Rich and I have made some pretty bad investments but helping Candi through hair school has really paid off. We so appreciate her keeping us well groomed. My cleaning girl called and she's sick so I'm on my own tomorrow. Our Christmas lights still are not up, Rich did get them out of the box and lying across the front lawn. If he waits any longer it won't be worth the time of putting them up. Spencer called and wants us to go see him at the hotel Sat. night. He won't be playing in the game but at least we will get to visit with him a little bit. I can't believe that Christmas is two weeks away and it is still going to be 80 degrees this weekend. I guess that is why all the snowbirds are here. You have to love Arizona in the winter, oh yea we don't have winter!

What Really Matters?

I spent all weekend trying to finish decorating my house and tree. We had Rich's neice and her family spend the night on Friday and then we went to church and had the missionaries over for dinner on Sunday. It has been quite a long time since we signed up to feed them but it was nice. They left us with a message on hope and boy could I use that. This weekend was kind of a bummer for me. I have been waiting all season for Spencer to come home and play the Cardinals. During the game on Sunday I realized that after the first half he never went back in. He always plays unless he's injured so I thought something might have happened. Sure enough, after the game he called and told me he had a small tear in his hamstring and won't be playing this week. I have yet to watch him play in a regular season game in person. I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. My mind was racing and my thoughts weren't very good. So I got up and came in the spare bedroom and started reading my scriptures and some conference talks. One was on faith and the other on what is really important in our lives. What really matters? Basically what matters to us is what we spend our time on, and love equals time. That makes sense to me and I see it in my own life in the lives of my family. What they love they spend their time doing. I spent all day yesterday working on a quilt, that makes me happy. This time of year is hard for me. I want to feel that holiday cheer and enjoy the music and true meaning of Christmas. It always seems like someone or something is missing in my life. Maybe that's the Grinch in me. Hopefully I will be able to move out of this mood and in to the Christmas spirit soon, otherwise it's going to be a long long December.

"Stating the Obvious"

Rich and Dave took Trace and Tristyn to the Suns game. I haven't watched the Suns since they traded Charles Barkley. Mindi is on her way to take back a movie and go to the grocery store. I was going to go with her but after walking through Fry's I'm pooped. It's weird how when you have been housebound for a couple of months and then go out of your comfort zone, it just feels so overwhelming. When I was at physical therapy the other day the girl tech who was helping me in the pool, in a nice way, basically told me how I needed to walk around the block and get more active, and by the way get some of the weight off so your arthritis will get better. Hum! I would love to lose 100 pounds of unwanted fat but when someone who looks like an x-ray with hair tells someone who is obese that they need to lose weight it is kind of offensive. As I was telling my Dad what I thought about her he didn't think she was rude, she was diplomatic and "stated the obvious." This is also the girl who thought my eight-one year old Dad was my husband. Since my surgery I seem to notice people more. When I see someone walking with a limp I wonder what is wrong with them. Tonight at the grocery store a lady walked passed me who obviously had a prosthetic leg. Then as I rounded the bread aisle to the deli I saw two girls who were "thicker" than I am. I know the weight thing is more about being healthy than looking good in a bikini but why can't we just love and accept each other as we are? Why can't we give people the benefit of the doubt that they are doing the best they can? I know that every thing I have judged another on has ended up happening to me. Maybe tomorrow I will head on down the street and try to build my stamina and burn a few calories so I can enjoy that ham and potato dinner tomorrow night at the Ward Party and don't forget the steak and baked potatoes we will be feeding the missionaries on Sunday. Oh heck, maybe I will just wait until next week to start my diet and exercise program!

I Think I Need Some Botox

A long time ago my Dad took me to a doctors appointment in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I had flown there a couple of times but this time he decided to drive me. I remember that on our way home we pulled in to a gas station to use the restroom and buy gas. When I came out of the bathroom the store clerk handed me my Dad's credit card and said, "here's your husbands card." I said, "He's my Dad not my husband." That has been at least fifteen years ago. Well, this morning my darling parents came over to do some service. My Dad took me to physical therapy and my Mom went to the mall with Mindi to purchase a birthday gift for my special cousin Barb. Mindi usually goes with me so when I walked in one of the guys said, "your daughter didn't come with you today?" I said, "no, I brought my Dad." Anyway, I went in to the gym and did my exercises and then off to the pool we went. My Dad sat on the bench while I started my exercise routine. First of all I'm always about ten to twenty years younger than most of the people in the pool so I'm feeling pretty good about myself. My therapist was sick today so he wasn't in the pool but another girl was there who usually works in the gym with me. She looked over and said, "your husband brought you today?" I then said, "that is my Dad, my husband runs a construction company and he's super busy right now." I was pissed! Do I look like I could be married to an eighty-one year old man? Maybe I don't want to know the answer to that. When I got home Rich called and asked how therapy went. When I told him they asked me if my Dad was my husband all he said was, "maybe they think you are a trophy wife for someone." Ha! I never have been a trophy wife to anyone. Maybe I need to be looking in to some plastic surgery, botox or have Candi color my hair a darker shade but if people are thinking I could be married to someone in their eighties I have a huge problem. When I was complaining to Mindi about it she was nice and said, "well that's the same thing as when we are shopping and people think we are sisters." Yeh and I can remember a few times that people have asked her if she is Spencer's Mom. So I guess there are some really clueless people out there, hopefully I'm never one of them. I'm sure I've said some stupid things too so please forgive me if I've said something like that to you.

Anyone Want To Go Bungee Jumping?

I was talking to someone close to me the other day and they said "I don't read blogs anymore because they are too negative and I choose to be positive." Huh! I have found some wonderful faith promoting things on the blogs I read. I also get to see pictures of my grand kids who live in "Far Far Away." I try and be careful when I write that my toxic negative attitude doesn't show through, but there are times in my life that aren't all butterflies and rainbows. I have been trying to get my harvest decor put away and my Christmas started. Although it is getting easier for me to walk, I still have a hard time carrying boxes of stuff from point A to point B. So today I found myself taking one thing at a time and that gets really tiring. Besides that, I'm really not in the Christmas spirit yet. I know it's a little early, but hopefully this mood will lift and I can move forward. Before my surgery I was fantasizing about all those things I would be able to do when I recovered. I was hoping to be able to go skydiving, deep sea fishing, or maybe just fly around the world solo, but I am realizing that I am the same old me with just a metal hip. I live in the same house with the same people and I even have the same pets. The only thing that has changed is a little bit of pain relief and the experience of having a major surgery. I also found out who really loves and cares about me and I appreciate all they have done for me these last eleven weeks. I realize that these trials we are given are to make us have more empathy for others. I know without the adversities we wouldn't grow spiritually. If our lives were all puppies and unicorns we would be really shallow thinking people. There are people close to me who are going through really hard trials right now. At times I don't understand how we get our lives so messed up. All I can do is pray that things will work out for the best. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day, who knows maybe I'll bungee jump off a bridge, sounds fun huh?

Happy Thanksgiving

Last week when I was going through my pictures to put in the scrapbook for my parents I found this picture of these turkeys. They were in Spencer's pictures he sent home while on his mission in Chile. Most of the turkeys I've seen are all white so I thought these were really cute. This morning all my family went to run in the Turkey Trot. I should be used to being left behind but it still bothers me that they get to do things I'm not able to do. Well, I was sad for about ten minutes and then decided I would watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade and finish Trent's quilt. I also had to put my turkey in the oven and make a salad. Trent has been asking every day if it's finished so I hope he's happy. Now Trace thinks he needs a bigger, newer one too, so that will be my next project. This year everyone goes to the other side of the family. With Lennie on a mission and some family problems, we won't have anyone here besides my parents and Mindi, Dave and their little family. Spencer has practice but hopefully he will be home to celebrate with his young family. I had an old boyfriend and his wife stop by last night to drop off some medicine he ordered for me. He is a doctor and it is so nice of him to do that for me. We had a nice visit and served them a piece of banana cream pie. I think they have nine kids but only seven living. Their first baby nearly drowned when he was two years old and was extremely brain damaged. I think he passed away when he was around ten years old. They also had a son pass away recently because of a suicide. I asked his wife how she dealt with her first babies death. She said that you just have to deal with it, but it never goes away. This is the third holiday season without Kamber. These are the times that are the worst for me. I was sewing yesterday and looked up on my wall and there was a picture of her about six weeks old. I miss her everyday and wonder what she would be doing and who she would look like. This is a day to be thankful, so I'm extremely thankful for the time I have had with my kids and grand kids, they are very special to me. I also know that because of the Atonement, if I live a worthy life, I will get to be with my family on the other side. That is a wonderful blessing to me.

Living In The Manure Pile

As Rich and I were walking in to church on Sunday I was complaining about all my physical ailments. "My hip is better but now my back and side hurt. I get a touch of the flu and then get fever blisters all over my lips." Rich is smart sometimes and doesn't answer me, I think he's learned to just listen and not put in his "two bits." Anyway as the opening song started it was of course a Thanksgiving song. The tears started to flow. A young man then got up and in his talk gave statistics about how many people don't have clean drinking water, live in poverty, go to bed hungry and on and on. Now I'm feeling really bad about all my complaints. Then a darling girl in our ward talked about Wilbur in the story "Charlotte's Web" and how sometimes we throw ourselves in the manure pile of our lives. Boy could I relate to that. After church I told her how much I enjoyed her talk and that I live in the manure pile most of the time. I know that I do have a few good qualities but I haven't developed the deep sense of gratitude I need for all the blessings in my life. No matter how bad I have it, there are millions of people who are worse off than me. On Sunday we had most of the family over for my Mom's birthday and my parents 60th wedding anniversary. Mindi worked all last week doing a scrapbook that represents all our family. My parents thought it was wonderful. As I went through all those pages of memories as a child and then through marriage and raising our family it was humbling. How thankful I am for righteous parents who love me. For the opportunity to be married to a honest hard working husband. To have four wonderful children who try everyday to be good parents themselves. The knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and wants me to be happy. At times I don't see the eternal perspective of my life and that gets me down. I thought this little quote was good:

Happy Moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.

I CAN DO HARD THINGS

The weeks a going by faster and faster for me. That's probably a good thing considering that I want my recovery to speed up. Anyway, yesterday we were busy working around the house and Mindi was trying to put the finishing touches on the gift we are making for my
parents. Everyone is coming over tomorrow night for cake and ice cream to celebrate Mom's 81st birthday and my parents 60th wedding anniversary on Monday. It just blows my mind that they are that old and have endured life's struggles and stayed married for 60 years. I am so blessed to still have both parents living and still married to each other. Yesterday Mindi was going to run a few errands and go to the grocery store on the way home. I haven't been in a grocery store for at least three months. I asked her if she could pick me up some groceries while she was there and started making a list. She finally just looked at me and said, "I don't know if I will be able to go and push two carts around, why don't you just come and go with me?" So last night I "girded up my loins, fresh courage take," and headed to the store. I put my cane in the cart and then used it as a walker. I was surprised at how well I did. There were a few times that I got a little tired or nervous but we just kept plugging along going up and down each isle. When we got to the produce section I saw a guy who had crutches in one of those electric carts that the store has with a basket in the front. Then as we turned up the cereal isle I saw a lady that was so big and pregnant I am sure she is having either twins or triplets. She was a smaller build and I could not believe she could even walk. I turned to Mindi and said, "I am proving that I can do hard things aren't I?" Every time I go out in public I see someone who has it worse than I do and that brings me back to the reality that LIFE IS HARD. We are asked to go through trials that we never thought we would be asked to or be able to endure. My goal is to be able to walk without a limp and be able to do the things I need to keep my house going, but maybe patience is what I really need to learn at this time. I am grateful for all the trials I have gone through, hopefully it will make me a better person.

How Can Mom Be 81 Years Old?

Between my jelly making and shopping extravaganza I think my recovery has been set back a few months. Anyway, that's the way I feel this morning. To top it off I got another summons to go to Jury Duty. I received one just before my surgery so they let me off but rescheduled for the 16th of December. I tried to tell them that I don't drive, don't go into Phoenix by myself and now add not being able to walk to the list, it just frustrates me. I've made an appt. with my family doctor next week to hopefully get a note saying how physically and mentally impaired I am to be on a jury. Wish me luck! I was so discouraged this morning when I got up. That raging pain in my back and another one in my quad muscle has left me wondering if I will survive this. I felt like I needed some help, so I decided to spend some quiet time reading my scriptures. As I turned the page there was a copy of Kamber's obituary that I must have cut out and put in that part of my Book of Mormon. It's interesting how a little thing like that can take you back into the pain of the day of the accident. They say it gets better, but I know there is a hole in my heart that will never be healed. Today is my Mom's 81st birthday. How can my parents be that old? It doesn't seem possible. For her birthday we are making a scrapbook of all the families. We have me and my siblings and all their kids and the grand kids and now the great grands. Mindi and all those who are working on it have done such a good job, I think she will be thrilled. While I was looking for pictures to represent our family I found a few of my Mom and I. She truly is an angel to have put up with some of the crap we threw her way. I hope we will have her for many more birthdays, she has always been so supportive and generous with her time and talents. She truly tries to live her life as the Savior would want her to. Her legacy will be the great example of Charity that she emulates.

Christmas Music In November

I have talked a lot lately about my motivation to getting more mobile. I want to be able to go to the Mall and "shop til I drop" like I did a few years ago before my arthritis set in. Well, yesterday I walked in to Macy's to purchase some gifts. Then after physical therapy Mindi, Candi, B.J. and their lovely darling little boys and I went to Kohl's. Mindi went in to make sure they had a wheelchair available and they did, so off we went. I'm sure we looked ridicules, me in the wheelchair pushing a stroller in front of me. At this point I could give a rat's behind what I look like, I just wanted to do some shopping. After a couple of hours I had gotten all my grandchildren taken care of for Christmas except Tristyn (she is so picky) and a few other odds and ends. We had so much fun yesterday that we got everything out and made sure we got the right sizes and something for everyone. Sure enough we had gotten a couple of wrong sizes so when Troy left for pre-school this morning we bolted out to do some more shopping. We started at Kohl's but by the time I got back to Macy's I truly thought I was going to die. If you have never had a hip operation or had to use a cane for a prolonged time, you don't understand what a toll it takes on your back. I could have used some heavy duty drugs but instead I just waddled out to the car and waited for Mindi to finish. When I got home I took some pain reliever and spent the rest of the afternoon putting ice and heat on my poor aching body. It is such a good feeling to have most of my shopping done and it isn't even Thanksgiving yet. I have to say this is a first for me. I will say that I'm already sick of the Christmas music they play over and over again in the stores. I think that should be illegal this early. I'm still hoping and praying there will come a day that I will be able to walk through the mall pain free. Then I will be HAPPY! Ha Ha

The Flu and the Touchdown

I was so excited for the weekend because we were going to have some really great opportunities to attend some historical events. On Sat. they had the groundbreaking ceremony for the new Gilbert Temple. Rich had lots of responsibilities being on the high council like moving 250 chairs over to the site. He then had a training meeting in the afternoon, another meeting after that and then was asked to run the camera to record the evening session of Stake Conference. I knew I wouldn't be able to go out to the site because there was suppose to be over 10,000 people and it would be impossible for me to walk the long distance plus, sit in a metal chair. I was hoping to go to the Stake Center to watch it but everyone I asked was busy and not going. Mindi had decided to make her delicious caramel apples and me my caramel popcorn to sell at the Fall Festival at the school. We spent all day Friday and Sat. morning getting all the food cooked and bagged. When I woke up Sat. morning I had a really bad pain in the side of my back. I could hardly walk. I spent most of the afternoon in bed on a heating pad hoping it would go away. When I woke up on Sunday morning at 5:30 I felt pretty good except for a stiff neck. I got in the shower to get ready for Conference but when I got out of the shower I started chilling and was freezing. I tried to eat breakfast but felt like I was going to throw up. So I put some clothes on and got under a quilt. I ran a fever all morning so just stayed in bed. I had invited my parents and brother over to watch Spencer's game and Rich's niece had also called to ask if she could come over to spend the afternoon with us. Here I was in bed with dishes in the sink and not being able to help Mindi fix dinner. (There is NO WAY she would ever let me in the kitchen if I even had a sniffle.) Anyway, to make a long story short, I didn't get to go to anything this weekend. I have found that during my life whenever there is something really special going on, I end up getting sick. When I graduated from high school I had the flu so bad I felt like I was going to pass out walking up to get my diploma. Anyway, I am thankful to be better today. My back is still hurting but it's getting better. I have so much to get done before Thanksgiving next week plus it's my Mom's 81st birthday on Thurs. and we are busy making a special gift for her. One thing that did go well this weekend was that the Broncos WON and Spencer made his first NFL touchdown. I'm so excited for him, with all the hard work he has done in the last three years he sure deserved a chance to score for the team. It is so exciting for their little family to find success in Denver. We are so proud of him and all our kids who do amazing things all the time. We are extremely blessed and know that we don't deserve all the tender mercies that are showered down on us, but we're no complaining either.

Thank Goodness It's Friday

I'm always glad when Friday comes along. I have a girl that comes and helps me clean and it's always nice to have a clean house even though it will be dirty by tomorrow. I have gotten more accomplished this week than I have in a long time. It seems like every day I get a little bit stronger and can walk a few more steps without the use of a cane or crutches. I still get frustrated at all the things I can't seem to do. Yesterday we did a family trip to the Reebok outlet to spend some of Spencer's money. It was Veteran's Day so we took most of the kids. They were pretty good except for jumping off the benches and running around the store. Mindi decided that next time just the adults will go, so maybe we can think a little bit clearer. Even though I have a temporary handicap sticker for parking, it was a long way from the car to the inside of the Mall and then into the store. My son-in-law B.J. offered to go get me a wheelchair but I didn't much like being wheeled around the store by my grand kids. After we spent almost two hours in the store the kids all went over and had a ride on the carousel. Mindi, Candi Jenn and I stayed to try and figure out how we had blown through that much money in such a short amount of time. I guess it isn't hard when you're shopping for eighteen people. It's a lot of fun but very stressful for me. On the way home we decided to stop at In-And Out Burger to get some lunch. Tristyn rode with Jenn and the girls and we were going to stop by and do some shopping at a little boutique down in Mesa. By the time we had gotten to have lunch Tristyn got in our car and told us that Brookie had been throwing up in Jenn's car. I felt so bad that Jenn had to go home and take care of sick kids and clean her car out too. We continued on our shopping excursion and after walking through the boutique and buying a couple of $3.50 cupcakes and a $4.00 peanut butter brownie we were on our way home. By the time I got home I had a raging headache and my hip was killing me. I was on the verge of tears, I guess I'm not ready to do the all day shopping thing yet. I am thankful to be able to get out of the house for a few hours and can't wait until the day I will be able to spend the day at the Mall. Now all I need is to get some money saved.

"Arms That Hang Down

Wow! Time goes by so fast when you're not lying in bed watching the clock go around. I have been busy working on two quilts and making pomegranate jelly. Jenn came over this morning and I taught her how to turn the juice into jelly. She is a really good cook so I knew she would do well. We made three batches and on the third one I just sat and held Max while she did it all by herself. She even did all the dishes and cleaned up the mess. My Mom came over on Monday and helped me make some of mine. For the last few years she always makes the same comment, "I'm so happy you have learned how to do this because you never know when I'll be called home." I finally told her that if she hadn't received inspiration that she would be passing on soon to just not say anything like that to me. I don't want to think about the day my parents leave me to join Kamber and my other loved ones on the other side. I have a dear cousin who called me today to see how I was doing. We are really close, after her Father was killed in an airplane accident her family came to live with us. She has such a fun personality and we laugh all the time we are together. After she asked me how my hip was I said, "it is so fun, I think everyone should have a hip replacement." After we went back and forth a few times about just how fun it is to get old and start to wear out body parts. I said, "you know Rich always says "some days are diamonds and some are stones." She then said, "Yea some days you are the bug and some days the windshield." I hadn't ever heard that before, but I thought it was really funny. Life is so interesting when you are going through challenges. I have been so discouraged at how slow my progress is on getting the muscles in my hip strong enough for me to be able to walk. When I go to physical therapy I first go into the gym and do exercises to stretch and strengthen me. There are others there working on their own equipment and doing their own little workout. Last week as I was walking through the parallel bars trying to put more weight on my bad hip a lady came in the gym in a wheelchair. When I looked down she didn't have any legs below her knees. I decided then that no matter what I am going through I can always find someone who is in worse shape than me. I said a little prayer thanking Heavenly Father that he didn't ask me to go through life without any legs. We are asked to do some really hard and scary things while in this mortal life. I guess that is what life is all about, sometimes we help "those with arms who hang down," and other times we are the ones whose arms are hanging down. Hopefully my arms will not be hanging down for too much longer.

Pomegranates, Quilts and Purple Flowers

After spending all day Thursday and Friday picking and juicing pomegranates, and today making a baby quilt I'm pooped! It is nice to be getting more things accomplished even though I still haven't made it to the grocery store or the Mall. I'm hoping that won't be far off. I have been going to physical therapy for three weeks now and I think it's helping me to get stronger and hopefully speed up the healing process. I can't believe we are already in the month of November. The weather will hopefully cool off soon because Rich has been busy planting our purple flowers around my wishing well in remembrance of Kamber. This is also a month where I try to concentrate on all the blessings I have. Yesterday after a visit from a member of our extended family I realized how grateful I am to have parents who love me. She has had a rough go of it with abuse and neglect and it makes life extremely difficult for her. She tries to pretend that it doesn't bother her, but I can tell how much it hurts. I see by the way she treats her own children that she has a hard time parenting. She does the best she can, and I know she is trying really hard. This week I have been emotional thinking about Kamber and wishing I could talk to her and give her a big hug. I admire families who are affectionate with each other with hugs and kisses and telling each other they "love you" all the time. Unfortunately, that isn't the Larsen way. When my kids were young I would hug and kiss them all the time, but as they got bigger and stronger than me I knew they didn't want my slobber on them. I do think it is wonderful that other families do. This month is a good time for me to concentrate on gratitude. At times I feel like I get down thinking about all the things that are wrong in my life. Being crippled, thick,( Spencer's word for chubby or fat), discouraged, disappointed, lonely, and just plain old and tired. I do realize that all my experiences have made me grow spiritually. I am thankful for all these trials because I hope it will help me become a better person. When I go back home I want to be able to give Kamber that big hug and tell her how much I love her.

"These Things Shall Give Thee Experience"

Today is seven weeks since I had my surgery. After spending basically that whole time in bed at home I have started to venture out a little bit. We were invited to a singles dinner on Friday night. That is always fun to eat good food and play chicken foot with dominoes. On Sat. we had our ward Trunk or Treat at the church. It was fun to sit out in the fresh air and watch all the cute little kids walking around. It is still hard for me to get around, so I just sat in a chair for over two hours with a couple of friends handing out candy. Sunday was church and then my sister came over and we watched Spencer's game from London. Even though they lost the game we had a nice time eating lunch and watching the game. Sunday night we went over to Ethan and Jenn's for their annual Halloween party. Jenn always does a good job with the chili and corn bread. We didn't stay long because I needed to get home and feed animals and give out candy. Because it was Sunday we only had about ten kids come to the door so I have tons of candy left over. Yesterday I went to watch Tristyn play her first volleyball tournament game. I haven't felt well enough to go, but yesterday I decided that I needed to support her. She is such a good little player and I was proud of her for getting her serve over the net and winning the game for her team. If she works really hard she should be a really good player going in to high school and college. I have been a little discouraged at how slow I've been progressing with the healing process. I'm trying hard to be able to walk without the use of crutches or a cane. I went to the doctor on Thurs. and he reminded me that the average recovery from hip replacement is four to six months on the early side and up to a year to eighteen months on the late side. I am still hoping to be able to get to the mall to do some Christmas shopping but unless I have a miracle I will be lucky to just drive by the mall and look at the decorations. Someone asked me the other day if I regret having my surgery. It has been one of the hardest things I have been through, but I still have hope and faith that in the long run it will be one of the best decisions I've made. I really had NO other option, the pain was getting too debilitating.

I was reading in the Doctrine and Covenants the other day and it was when the Lord was talking to Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail. Section 122:7-8 "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." I know that all these trials that we go through are to give us the experience we need to return to our Heavenly Father. That doesn't mean I enjoy them, but if they are for "MY GOOD" then I will have to endure them with faith knowing that the experience will be worth it at some time.

Not That Crazy About Halloween

I just can't believe that Halloween is in two days. It seems like October has just flown by and in a few weeks it will be Thanksgiving. I haven't ever been a big fan of Halloween. I think because I'm not very creative it is really frustrating to dress up and try and pretend to be someone or something I'm not. I know some people really get into it and I'm amazed at the darling costumes they come up with, but that isn't me. This year we are having a Trunk or Treat at the church. Because I'm on the Activities Committee I have a few assignments for this wonderful event. I don't even know if I will be able to go because I think there will be a lot of walking involved plus I will need a comfortable chair to sit in. This is the dilemma, try and go and maybe be miserable, or stay home by myself and for sure be miserable. HUH!I got a call from Spencer this afternoon. He was on his way to the airport because the Broncos are flying to London for a game Sunday against the 49 ers. He sounded really tired and said he needed to sleep during the nine hour flight because when they get there tomorrow morning they have a practice. I have a fear of flying so knowing that my son is going to be on a airplane for nine hours is disturbing, all I can do is pray for him. One thing good about it is that next week is their bye week. He said something about maybe coming home next week so that will be so fun. I haven't even seen the baby yet so I'm hoping and praying we get visitors soon. Maybe we will even be able to have a family picture taken. Life is getting better everyday. I need to be better about seeing all the tender mercies that come my way, hopefully I can get better at that.

Ventruing Out is Scary!

Last week I started going to physical therapy to help me gain strength in my muscles that will help me walk without pain or a limp. The first and second times I went were a good experience but on Monday it was rough. I guess Monday is a big day and the place was super crowded. There were about ten people in the gym and at least ten or fifteen in the pool. Also the therapist in the pool was a stranger to me. He was nice, but I didn't know him at all. So yesterday I was having a hard time convincing myself to go back. As we were driving to the place I was complaining about having anxiety around all those people. I think Mindi had gotten tired of my story and started lecturing me how I "need to do these things that are hard for me or I will never get well." By the time we got there I was the first one in the gym. Nobody else was there but by then I was so emotional I started crying. I told my therapist how hard this is for me to come in and work my sore muscles while worrying about all the people around me. All he said was that having a hip replacement is a very hard thing, but I am really close to being able to walk on my own. So I went out into the pool and exercised for about thirty minutes. When I'm in the pool it is so easy to move. I walk forwards, backwards and then sideways. Then I do other exercises to loosen up all those muscles that the doctor had to cut through to put in the new hip. The problem is that when I get out of the water and on my own legs it is so discouraging to not feel as good as I do in the pool. Anyway, not only do I have physical limitations, I have very complicated psychological issues also. It sucks sometimes to be me.
Mindi is going crazy with all she has to do with Halloween, four kids in school, volleyball, football, and she is an advisor in Young Women's. Today she needed to run a bunch of errands and so I rode along in the car to watch Troy when he fell asleep. We finished all our errands and were on our way home when we saw an accident happen right in front of us. I was talking to my sister on the phone and looking down so I really didn't see what happened but I heard a huge crash and then a little grey car came spinning towards us and then across the road. It didn't look like the guy was hurt and we didn't really see the wreck good enough to be witnesses so we just came on home. I have spent six weeks basically in my house trying to survive and now that I'm venturing out into the world again it is scary for me. Now I need to start all over again trying to overcome the demons that I have been fighting for over twenty years. Oh well, let the games begin!

Panic Attack Going To The Primary Program

I can slowly feel a change in my body and mind. Tomorrow will be six weeks since my surgery and from everything I've read that is when things start getting better. I went to church yesterday and it was good to get up shower, put makeup on and dress in something besides shorts and a t-shirt. I have been working with a physical therapist for three sessions now and he really wanted me to stop using the walker and instead use a cane. So yesterday Rich made me take my cane to church. I'm not that comfortable with it and it takes a lot more concentration and stamina than my walker. As we pulled up to church there wasn't anywhere to park because it was the Primary Program. All the grandparents were there to watch the kiddos sing and say a one sentence line. Rich pulled up to the entrance to the church and let me out. As he drove away to park I started having a panic attack. I think it was because I was so vulnerable standing on the sidewalk with a cane with people coming inside. As the panic set in I decided that I needed to find somewhere to go that I could lean up against a tree, a building, anything. I started to freak out and all I could do was start sprinting towards the door. I still don't know how I got the door opened and sitting on the couch. My heart was racing and my hands were sweating, I was just about to start crying. A sister in my ward walked up to me to say hi and I grabbed her hand and asked her to please stay with me until Rich got there. She was so nice and was trying to tell me that she gets nervous too. Panic is not nerves it is terror. It is easy to stay home in a safe environment with my family, but to put me out into a social situation by myself is pure hell. Today when I went in to therapy it was the same thing. There are people there that I don't know, strangers that are in worse shape than I am. I'm trying to keep it together but it is so hard for me. After I did my exercises on land they had me go to the pool. There again about ten people in the pool that I don't know anything about. The guy going in before me had to be helped down the stairs by two people because he was coming out of a wheelchair. I later found out that he had the same surgery I had but with some terrible complications. I think he said that he had to have seven operations on his hip. As he was talking to me about his problems I could feel the anxiety starting to build. All I could say was, "I'm so sorry you have had such a hard time." Then I started to say a little prayer asking that my trial not go in that direction. No matter where I look there is someone in worse shape than I am. At times it is easy to feel sorry for myself and wonder why I have been dealt these cards to play. If it makes me a more compassionate person and more like the Savior then it will be worth it, if not then the suffering has all been in vain.

"You Can Heal Your Life"

I have been so disappointed at the slow rate of my recovery from this surgery that I decided to finally call my home teacher and ask for some help. He is a physical therapist and told me that after my staples came out to call him. I finally got up enough nerve and he was so kind to get me in yesterday. He did some stretching exercises with me and then had me practice walking. Then I got to go into the pool. The water was so warm and it felt so good to be moving and walking. That is one thing I have really missed since my surgery, the long hot soaks in the bath to relieve the pain. I went back today for some more (torture), I mean therapy. He did some more stretching and walking. I was in an area with exercise equipment and computers. The people just kept coming in. I guess there are lots of people who are struggling with some sort of problem. Most of them are way older than me, but I kind of got a glimpse of what life may end up being if I don't make some changes. At times I have been so caught up in the dark part of my mind that I didn't realize just how many people are suffering with their own personal hell. A lot of recovery is having faith that I will actually be able to walk again. When I use my walker or a cane I can do pretty good, but when I don't have that security I go right back to my limping. My new strong hip should be able to do anything but my brain still thinks I'm crippled. How can I reprogram my thoughts to trust in my ability to walk? I'm reading a book called "You Can Heal Your Life." A lot of it is about saying affirmations to change your thought patterns. Boy do I have a long way to go on that one. She said something really interesting, that by the time we are three years old our thoughts about our self are already formed. That's pretty scary to think that at that young age we have already decided what we think about ourselves. No wonder I'm so messed up. Anyway, hopefully by next week I will be able to "lose the walker" but I guess I will be healed when my body thinks I'm ready. I will just have to be grateful for any progress I make, I have no other choice at this time.

No Success can Compensate for Failure in the Home

Yesterday Mindi watched Brookie and Max so Jenn could take a class and renew her hair license. I was feeding Max a bottle while Brookie was watching Dora the Explorer. We were having fun helping Dora find the sticky tape to help the elephant fix the hole in his balloon. Brookie walked over to look at Mindi's fish in her aquarium and as she turned back around and smiled I swear I was looking at Kamber. My mind went back into time and I started thinking about how old Kamber was when she went back to Heaven. I think Brookie is just about the same age now. Brookie was only three months old when the accident happened and as I thought about all that has happened in the two plus years it made me realize how far I have come in the grieving process. The final stage of grief is acceptance, there was a time that I never felt like I could forgive God for taking her home, but it is slowly coming thank heavens.

I have been struggling really bad with the emotional ups and downs of having major joint replacement surgery. There is a grieving process I have been going through also with the loss of a body part and a prosthetic put in. It has made me doubt my decision on many occasions plus it has put me into a hell that I hope will someday end. It is hard to depend on others for your daily needs and at times I have felt that I have been let down. I'm sure it's all in my head, but it is real to me. As I went to bed the other night after an extremely stressful day I was pondering my life and how I could improve it. When I woke up in the morning I kept hearing this saying going through my mind. It was a quote from David O. McKay and it mainly is about being a good parent. In it he says, "There is nothing more important than doing our part in helping our Father in Heaven's children return to His arms. No amount of money can be made; no amount of corporations can be taken over; and no amount of friends, fame and power will compensate if the children within your home are not raised in righteousness. For if you have failed at home you have failed eternally." Wow! That pretty much says it all, you can do all kinds of wonderful things out in the world, but if you fail in your own family you have failed eternally. That is pretty scary for me, I hope my children will make sure that they make their children and family their number one priority. It would be sad if in the end they fail eternally.

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1.02.28

"Just Another Day In Paradise"

I had a dear Aunt who passed away in the year 2000 from a botched heart valve surgery. She had kind of a hard life with some extremely difficult trials. She was always one of my "heroes" while I was growing up. When I would ask her how she was doing she would always say,"I'm up and taking nourishment so it's a good day." My Mom is another one of my heroes, she calls me every morning to find out how my night went and what I have to do during the day. When I ask her why she's so happy she says, "well, I made it through another night," and then she laughs. I'm not a morning person, I never have been so that has caused some problems being married to a "rise and shine, get up and get going" kind of guy. This morning when I got up Rich had already been up since 4:00 a.m. and worked out. We were passing by each other in the bathroom and I said, "just another day in paradise." Now anyone who knows me well will hear a little sarcastic ring to that statement. When I was in the shower just now, yes it is 4:00 p.m. and I decided I could take a shower by myself and get dressed without any help. As I was thinking about my comment "another day in paradise" I realized that compared to a lot of the world I do live in paradise. I have had another hard week. I had NO idea that this surgery would take such a toll on me physically, mentally, spiritually and psychologically. I don't know why I thought I would come out of surgery and be walking on my own within a few days. I became so discouraged this week that I thought my parents were going to give up on me. They came over yesterday to help and as I was talking to my Dad about how I was feeling he explained to me that I will never be the same as I was before the surgery. The main reason I went through with the surgery was to relieve the pain I was suffering from. I may still walk with a limp and there may be things that I just can not ever do again. I may be using a walker for another month, or a cane for the rest of my life, but if most of my pain is gone my surgery will be a success. He also reminded me of the importance of praying and asking for help, that I can cope with the feelings I am having. My Dad is another one of my heroes. He keeps reminding me of the important things in life. I hope they know how much I appreciate all they have done for me in my life. So I will continue to work hard each day to realize how much progress I am making and continue living my life in paradise.

You Have to Love PMS and Anxiety

Being home bound and "out of commission" has given me a huge amount of time to think. Usually thinking is worrying, so I guess you could say I've done a lot of worrying the last few months. I think all of us have some things about us that we hate. When I was a teenager and young woman I had terrible PMS. Every month I would go through the same cycle. Feel okay for about three weeks until all Hell would break loose and I would want a divorce, adopt out my children, move to Utah or anywhere it wasn't 120 degrees and dig a hole in the backyard and crawl in it. I went to every doctor I could to find help, I even went to the Mayo Clinic thinking they had the magic answer. Anyway, I suffered with that until I finally had a hysterectomy in 2005. That solved some of my problems but created new ones. Another part of my life I absolutely despise is the anxiety I suffer from. I remember always being kind of shy and quiet until I got to know people, then I would become almost obnoxious. After having a string of stressful events, I suffered a mental breakdown of sorts that has altered my life to where I am today. In some ways it has made me a more spiritual person because I have had to beg my Heavenly Father for help on many many occasions. People who have never had a panic attack or anxiety can not relate, but those who have understand the terror of it all. For the last couple of days I have been watching the rescue of the thirty three miners in Chile. I have been really interested in them because Spencer served his mission in Osorno Chile. When I look at those darling little people my heart melts for them. Anyway, when I went to bed last night they had pulled three of them out of the mine. They continue today working hard to get them all out. I find myself holding my breath and clinching my jaw while watching them. How hard would it be to be down in a mine for sixty nine days? I am so claustrophobic I won't even do an MRI so I can't imagine what those guys have gone through. It also makes me realize that we have no control over what happens to us as far as trials. Why were these miners saved? Why are there accidents where innocent children die but these miners were saved?
Last week at the doctor he told me to "lose the walker." I have been so discouraged that I can't seem to be able to walk without help. I was talking to my Dad today about it and how hard it is to still need help to walk. He asked me if I had been praying to my Heavenly Father and asking him for help? Do I have faith that the surgeon did a good job and that I will be healed? Am I doing everything I can to help with the healing process? Anyway, I know that the time will come when I will be thankful for the opportunity I had to walk down the road I'm on. I have so many blessings most of them I do not deserve. One thing I know for sure I am so glad I'm not down in that mine waiting to be pulled up to the freedom that I enjoy everyday.

Hoping for a Better Day

We had a really busy weekend so today I'm paying for it big time. On Saturday we attended Kylie's baptism and baby Max's blessing. It was a nice day outside and we went over to Ethan and Jenn's for a luncheon. It was the first time I have been dressed up since my surgery. It was only the third time I had even had a bra on. Then yesterday I got up and went to church. I made it through most of the meeting until my hip started talking to me and I had to have Dave bring me home. It was also Trent's birthday so Mindi had a little family party for him last night.
This morning my parents came over to help me get my laundry and dishes done. As I was doing my exercises with my Dad I began to cry. I told him how much I underestimated the amount of time it would take to get "back to normal." I'm wondering now if I will ever be able to go do the things that I did before my poor little hip gave out. At times I get so discouraged because I'm afraid my trips to the mall might be over. I know Mindi is getting tired of feeding the animals by herself and doing all the cooking and shopping. I don't blame her, it is overwhelming for sure.
As I try and walk without my walker I think of all those who have been injured that have to work so hard to walk again. I have always been a strong athletic person but this has kicked my butt, at times I feel like I'm making progress and then at other times I feel so weak and helpless.
Mindi came in this morning and told me that the dogs had dug into the cage and killed my baby rabbit. That has kind of ruined the day for me. If I don't have the dogs here the coyotes jump the fence and kill my chickens, but if I have the dogs here they kill anything that gets out. I don't have an answer for that problem yet, I guess it is to get rid of everything.
Tomorrow is exactly four weeks since my surgery. Hopefully it will be a better day for all of us.

Appreciate The Simple Things

There is nothing more humbling than going to an orthopedic surgeon's office for an appointment.
Yesterday was the big day for me. It was the day I was to get the staples taken out of my hip. I was a little bit anxious all day because my hip had hurt and ached and I was afraid that maybe something was wrong. I never seem to have the faith to know that "all is well," and that frustrates me. When I got there the waiting room was packed with patients. There was an older woman who was taken in by her husband in a wheelchair with a bandaged arm. As we held the door opened for them I looked down at her legs and they were covered with big purple sores. There were several others with obvious leg problems and I was just happy they took me back soon after getting there. They had me go in to get an x-ray to make sure the hip is healing right. After that I went in to the room to wait for the doctor. After just a few minutes he came in. The nurse had brought in the instrument to take out my staples so I was getting more excited by the minute. He finally came in and gave me a little explanation about how sometimes they have to leave some of the staples in. Anyone who knows me can guess what I said to him. It was something like "oh he&$ no." I don't care what they look like if they split open, bleed, or whatever they ALL have to come out now! He proceeded to take them out and it hurt like heck but I wasn't going to complain too much. On a couple of them it brought tears to my eyes and I would have said some bad words but my elderly parents were there for moral support and I didn't think they would appreciate it. After he got them all out he put band aids on my incision and told me to keep it dry and that hopefully I wouldn't be back for them to put the staples back in. I told him they will never know if they do split open, I will deal with it myself.
When the nurse came in I told her how hard this has been for me. I feel like I should be walking on my own without a walker. She explained to me that hip replacement is a HUGE surgery and that my body will heal as fast as it can and to not get discouraged. Our bodies are all different and I will get back to normal soon. It is interesting how you don't appreciate the simple things like being able to make my own bed, do my dishes, carry laundry into the laundry room, walk out to feed my animals. All those things that seemed so boring and monotonous are really blessings in our lives. Not being able to get your own food and carry it to the table is so hard.
I'm thankful that I'm three weeks down the road to recovery, I won't take my mundane life for granted anymore. Hopefully I will be able to serve those who need a helping hand and thank the Lord everyday for my boring uneventful life.

22 Hours and Counting

I have less than 24 hours before my 27 staples come out of my backside. I have tried everything I could to convince my doctor to take them out early but now I think I can cope with it until my appointment tomorrow. I am hoping that Mindi and I can go to Aloha Kitchen for lunch before my appointment to celebrate this wondrous occasion.
It has been cloudy and rainy for the last two days. It is a welcome relief from the scorching temperatures we have been having here in the desert. I love the smell of the desert after it rains, it smells so clean. I hope the rabbits, chickens and tortoises are okay, it really came down hard, I could barely see across the street.
These last few weeks I have basically gone from my bed to the bathroom, to the chair in my family room, down the long hall to sit on Mindi's chair at her house, (for a change of scenery), then back to my bed. I have missed out on Tristyn's first junior high volleyball game and also all of Trace, Trent and Major's football games so far. I am hoping that before their seasons are over I will be able to at least attend one of their games.
I have had lots of time to reflect while being "out of commission." I would have done anything to not have had to go through this surgery. If there was any way that my hip would have healed on its own I would have done it. I feel so very fortunate to live in this time where the technology has come along to help those like me who are faced with life in a wheelchair and pain or hopefully mobility and being pain free. That is my hope for the future. I have great compassion for those who have to use a walker or wheelchair to get around. It takes up so much energy pushing those things around. Not to mention the sore arms and hands. Going through this experience has also opened up my eyes to the goodness of people. I know there are people who are lonely and housebound like I am who need a visit, a kind act of service, a helping hand. My parents have been over several times a week to help me do laundry and dishes, my Dad would go out and water my plants. He would also make sure I was doing my rehab exercises and would hold my hand as we walked up and down my house to practice walking while using my cane. My Mom who is soon to be 81 stood and ironed all of Rich's shirts yesterday. I know she doesn't feel that well but her life has been an example of service to all of her family. Mindi has been an angel. I will never be able to repay her for all she has done for me. She is such a good example of charity, there aren't many daughters who would do what she has done for me. I know it has been extremely hard taking care of her own family plus adding all my needs to her busy schedule, I hope she knows how much I appreciate her. Hopefully after my recovery I will be able to render service when needed to those who are going through their own trials. That is my prayer.

Coming Out of the Darkness

On Tuesday it will be three weeks since I headed down the road of replacement surgery. I have to admit that it was harder than I thought it would be. I knew it would be demanding physically, but I had NO idea how hard it would be psychologically. Yesterday I was in the depths of despair. I felt cold and was afraid that maybe I was getting sick. How can you be cold when it's 107 degrees outside? Anyway, Mindi kept taking my temperature because I really thought I was running a fever and one of the complications of surgery is to get an infection or blood clot so of course I thought that was happening to me. Candi called and wanted me to go to her shop and let her do my hair thinking that would pull me out of the hell I was in. Unless you have been through what I have been through it is hard to understand my mental state. I'm feeling better today and hopefully I can deal with these staples until Wed. when they will take them out.

Spencer's little boys came over this week. It was fun to see them again. They have been here with their other Grandma while Annie is taking care of the baby in Colorado. The boys went home to Colorado yesterday. They had a good time playing with Troy. Tyton and Troy get along really well and are good friends. I regret that I haven't been able to help Spencer and Annie as they have been going through their own Hell. We continue to pray for baby Abney and have faith that she will recover fully from this illness.

Yesterday was Troy's birthday and he turned four. He is so much fun and has such a cute personality. Mindi had a little party for him after pre school and Candi and Jenn brought over their kids to have pizza, cake and ice cream. A couple of my friends came over last night to keep me company, they know I'm a little bit crazy and alone. Marlene fixed me some scrambled eggs and toast and was so kind. Paula layed on my bed and watched a football game with me and we talked about life. Her oldest son was killed in a motorcycle accident three years ago so she understands my feelings about losing Kamber.Three more friends have shown up today bringing brownies, chocolates and little gifts. I do not deserve the kindnesses that have been showered down on me. I am forever grateful for the many prayers that have been given in my behalf and for the many acts of kindness given, I will be forever grateful.

After listening to Conference today I know that I need to improve in so many areas of my life. I need to have faith that my Heavenly Father knows me, loves me, and wants what is best for me. At times I am so caught up in my grief and trials that I can't see past the darkness. I guess it is time to move out of the darkness and into the light, starting with gratitude. Life is hard, but I don't want anyone else's problems, I will just keep my own and hopefully be a better person by overcoming them.

I Need A Gratitude Journal

I woke up this morning at 5:00 a.m. trying to find a way to get up enough courage to call my doctor and tell him these staples have to come out TODAY. I would think of all the reasons why and all the lies I would tell him until I worked myself up into such a tizzy it was sad. When Rich came home from exercising and was getting in the shower I asked him if he would please call my doctor and beg them to help me get these staples out. All I heard from him was "Oh Dewsie." I knew that meant he wasn't going to do it. I then went on to say something like, "I know you like to watch me suffer" and went on my way. Why should he care, he left today for Salt Lake. He always goes up for his missionary reunion and this year his Mother isn't doing that well so that was his excuse. So again I am left behind to enjoy the weekend by myself dragging a walker and complaining about how bad my butt hurts.
As I look back on my life I sometimes dwell on all the times I've been left behind while others have traveled, worked, played and I stayed home, mostly by choice, to take care of kids and animals. One of my children asked me the other day, "Mom, what happened that you decided you didn't want to go and do anything anymore?" I have reflected on that question many times as I have remembered all the experiences that lead up to my anxiety disorder. At one time I felt like I had a wonderful life and I was just "fat, dumb and happy." My world fell apart when I suffered a miscarriage, had radiation on my thyroid and had three surgeries in one month. It was more than I could take and my ability to cope with everyday life came to a screeching halt. There was a time I couldn't even go outside and get the mail out of our mailbox.
I have often wondered why an educated, athletic, dedicated person would have to go through what was asked of me. Rich and I were talking about this the other day. Why does it seem like so many people are going through such hard times? I don't have any answers, I hope that someday I will understand the purpose of suffering. I know it can always get worse so I'm trying not to complain too much. I guess this is where keeping a "gratitude journal" would come in handy. I know I have so many blessings, I just hope that when I'm feeling better I will be able to go on a trip somewhere. I may even decide that I'm going to move away somewhere it isn't hotter than *&^% everyday. Does anyone want to move away somewhere with me?

6 More Days

I thought I knew what Hell was when Kamber went back to Heaven. I guess there are many different types. We must have to make several trips through Hell to make sure that we do not want to end up there when we die. This hip thing is the Hell that I'm going through at this time. I told Mindi this morning that I can't spend one more day in bed. I'm losing what little brain cells I have left moving from the bed to the chair to the couch. I haven't been able to sleep more than two or three hours in a row since my surgery and I know without sleep I'm a mess. I still have 27 staples in my butt that are a huge" thorn in my side" but I only have six more days until they come out. I tried begging them to take them out early but they "never take them out before three weeks."

I think the worst thing about this whole experience is not being able to do anything for myself. I have Mindi or Rich help me shower and get dressed and my parents have been great to come over and help me do my laundry and dishes. I absolutely hate having to use a walker to get around. Dragging it around on my wood floor and tile is like running your fingernails on a chalkboard. Hopefully I will be walking without it soon. All I can think about is how bad I feel for anyone who has to go through a joint replacement.

I know I sound really down, I have been in these dark places before and crawled out so eventually I hope to be back to normal and shopping at the Mall. It kills me that Dillards is having an extra 40% off and I can't go. I think I would be happy with a little trip to the Dairy Queen right now.

I have so many blessings I'm ashamed to complain about my life. The fact that technology has advanced to the place where my wonderful surgeon could fix me is such an incredible blessing.
I am also aware of the extremely hard trials others are going through, all I can do is talk about my thoughts and feelings. I have had so many friends and family who have come by to see me or called to check on me. I appreciate every act of kindness that has been rendered. I don't deserve it that's for sure.

I am sure this trial will pass and I will be grateful that I was able to survive it. I know that my life will be easier and I am still trying to convince myself that I can do hard things. Right now I am just looking for something to do to help pass the time. I miss sewing and shopping that is for sure but I know that I will be back at it in no time.

Praying For Sleep

I'm trying to keep from losing my mind, what little is left of it. I'm so tired of being in my bedroom that I could scream! I knew this surgery would be hard. I was worrying about all the pain and discomfort that went with it. What I didn't realize was the toll it would take on my mental health. I know that when I go under any anesthetic it takes a while to be able to think clearly. I have kind of gone through a grieving process. At first I was in denial that I needed surgery, then I got pissed off, then I asked Heavenly Father to just put a new one in while I slept. When that didn't happen I finally realized that my life was going to be worthless if I had to be in a wheelchair and constant pain. It has almost been two weeks now and hopefully I will be able to feel some good changes soon.
On Friday I was so tired of being in the house I decided to go with Mindi to run a couple of errands. When we got to our first stop I had her move me to the back seat thinking I would be more comfortable. When we got to the second stop I had her move me back up front because the back wasn't working for me. By the time I got home I was in a lot of pain and regretted leaving the house. I spent all day yesterday trying to recover from my little outing. Life shouldn't be like this. My sister told me to just take a pain pill and go to bed. So I did what she suggested and at 11:00 p.m. I popped one of my pain pills. At 2:15 I was still awake. I obviously had some weird reaction to the medication and at times I felt like I was going to stop breathing. I won't be taking any more of that medication.
I remember after Kamber passed away I would look around and see that everyone elses lives kept going on. No one was aware of the deep dark hole I was living in. I guess until you go through something you have NO IDEA what it is like. I guess that is why we need adversities so we can be tested to see how we will handle them. All I know is that I hope it will be a long time before I go through a major trial, I need some rest. I just want one good nights sleep, is that too much to ask for? I need to put the rose colored glasses on and do the best I can to endure this, hopefully it will make me a more compassionate person.

Clean Sheets and Scorrpions

I love to get into bed when my sheets are clean. My parents came over yesterday and helped me get all my laundry done and my Mom ironed Rich's shirts while my Dad helped me do my exercises. I don't know what I would do without them going through this wonderful experience, they have been great. Mindi took my Dad over to Taco Bell to get us some lunch and that was fun just sitting and eating together. My parents were both school teachers so after I got married they were too busy to come help me. They also work in the Temple two days a week so they aren't available on Tues. and Wed. for service. I think because my Dad has had two hip replacements and talked me into doing this surgery he has taken a special interest in my recovery. I was a hard teenager and he was tough on me but since I am older and more mature we can finally get along.
I was so excited to get into bed last night and when my sheets are clean I feel like I am safe from scorpions. WRONG! At 2:00 a.m. I felt that lovely little sensation and realized that I had been stung. I woke Rich up and turned on my light so he could come kill it. I then did my usual treatment of Benadryl, Aleve, ice, oils and anything else I can think of to get rid of the pain.This one was a very small one and it got me on my right arm so hopefully it won't get as big and red as some of the others. I don't understand why they come my way. Rich is only a few inches over but they seem to always come over to my side. Rich even made the comment this morning that I get stung way more than he does. I guess I'm just lucky.
I'm counting down the days until I get these hideous staples out of my butt. They itch and pull and hurt and it is miserable. I will be so happy when I'm back to normal and able to sit in a chair and walk without a walker and have my strength back. Until then I will just keep taking it "one day at a time" like my Dad told me to do yesterday. He's been through it and he should know.