Panic Attack Going To The Primary Program

I can slowly feel a change in my body and mind. Tomorrow will be six weeks since my surgery and from everything I've read that is when things start getting better. I went to church yesterday and it was good to get up shower, put makeup on and dress in something besides shorts and a t-shirt. I have been working with a physical therapist for three sessions now and he really wanted me to stop using the walker and instead use a cane. So yesterday Rich made me take my cane to church. I'm not that comfortable with it and it takes a lot more concentration and stamina than my walker. As we pulled up to church there wasn't anywhere to park because it was the Primary Program. All the grandparents were there to watch the kiddos sing and say a one sentence line. Rich pulled up to the entrance to the church and let me out. As he drove away to park I started having a panic attack. I think it was because I was so vulnerable standing on the sidewalk with a cane with people coming inside. As the panic set in I decided that I needed to find somewhere to go that I could lean up against a tree, a building, anything. I started to freak out and all I could do was start sprinting towards the door. I still don't know how I got the door opened and sitting on the couch. My heart was racing and my hands were sweating, I was just about to start crying. A sister in my ward walked up to me to say hi and I grabbed her hand and asked her to please stay with me until Rich got there. She was so nice and was trying to tell me that she gets nervous too. Panic is not nerves it is terror. It is easy to stay home in a safe environment with my family, but to put me out into a social situation by myself is pure hell. Today when I went in to therapy it was the same thing. There are people there that I don't know, strangers that are in worse shape than I am. I'm trying to keep it together but it is so hard for me. After I did my exercises on land they had me go to the pool. There again about ten people in the pool that I don't know anything about. The guy going in before me had to be helped down the stairs by two people because he was coming out of a wheelchair. I later found out that he had the same surgery I had but with some terrible complications. I think he said that he had to have seven operations on his hip. As he was talking to me about his problems I could feel the anxiety starting to build. All I could say was, "I'm so sorry you have had such a hard time." Then I started to say a little prayer asking that my trial not go in that direction. No matter where I look there is someone in worse shape than I am. At times it is easy to feel sorry for myself and wonder why I have been dealt these cards to play. If it makes me a more compassionate person and more like the Savior then it will be worth it, if not then the suffering has all been in vain.