"What would the Savior Do?

I had an interesting experience yesterday. I had a doctors appointment in a medical building in west Mesa. I decided that while I was there I would go in and see if I could schedule my yearly mammogram screening. When I went in the girl said that if I could wait about a half hour she could get me in so I wouldn't have to make another trip from Gilbert. Because I don't drive anymore it causes some stress on Mindi because she has to take me to all my appointments, so I felt that if I could get this taken care of it would be worth it. Anyway, after my mammogram I walked out into the waiting room and there was a Mexican girl with a baby in a stroller trying to get out of the door. Tristyn was with me so we helped with the door and as we were walking out she asked me if I had change for a $20 bill. She needed to get on the bus and she needed $2.25 and they wouldn't make change for her. I knew I only had a few $20's in my wallet and then remembered my Mom had given Rich and I $60 in an envelope for Christmas, two $20's and 2 $10's. Anyway, I gave her my two new crisp $10 bills and she gave me her $20 and we left. When we got in the car I told Mindi that the girl with the baby in the stroller needed some small change to get on the bus. She handed me $2.25 and we drove over where she was asking another guy for change, I thought for the $10's I had given her. She said she got the change and we drove off. On the way home we stopped at a Hallmark store to see if they had any bargains for Christmas next year. I found some nice Nativity cards and went to pay for them at the counter. I handed the guy my $20 bill from my Mexican girl and to my surprise it was no good. She had given me a counterfeit bill. I was so embarrassed and afraid they were going to call the cops on me. I explained to the manager that I had just made change for a girl pushing a baby in a stroller trying to get on the bus. All she said was, "she got you." She then explained to me how you can tell whether it is a good bill or not. By then I was so mad I didn't care how to tell if a bill was good or not and I went out and got in the car. As I was getting in the car I was saying some bad words to Tristyn about the girl in the medical building, and how she had taken advantage of my kindness to her. I was really upset and I was trying to see how I could seek revenge for what she had done. After I had cooled down a little bit I became embarrassed about how I had acted. That I didn't have a kinder heart, that I would seek revenge over only $20. I thought about one of the prophets whose coat was stolen out of his car and he said, "if the person needed that coat enough to steal it, he was glad they took it." Here I was hoping this girl would be hit by the bus and hoping some bad karma on her and maybe even calling the police on her instead of having compassion for her. As I was sitting in the tub last night I thought about the day and how upset I was over this little bit of money and the words, "what would the Savior do?" kept coming into my mind. Hopefully, this new year I will be able to show a little more kindness and be a little bit more forgiving. I need to ask myself more often, "what would the Savior do?'" Maybe my life would get a little better and those around me would see that I do have a good heart.

Turning into the Grinch

I have spent the better part of two days putting up all my Christmas crap. As I was taking it all down I was wondering why I do it in the first place. I have a sister who doesn't even put a tree up. I'm thinking that's the way I'm heading next year. I absolutely love things about Christmas. I love the music, the lights, the kindness shown to everyone close to me, but I hate how busy of a time it is. There is always something to do, shopping, cooking, planning dinners, wrapping, and then cleaning up after all these activities. It seems like after Christmas I always go into a little depression. Not bad enough to medicate myself, but just enough to put me in the toilet for a little while. I would say it is more of a letdown. Now I need to worry about the new year. All the resolutions I have made for the last 35 years to lose weight, exercise more, be a better Mother, forgive more easily and work on my potty mouth. Here it is again and I'm still not doing very well changing the things about me that I hate. I don't know what 2010 will bring, after being blindsided by the death of Kamber in 2008, anything is possible. Hopefully we will get a little bit farther down the road of grief and the sting of her death will get a little bit less painful. The birth of a new grandchild is something to look forward to, and who knows maybe there will be a magic pill for weight loss coming this year. Maybe Obamacare will pass and I can get a hip replacement, ha ha, I even know that's not going to happen. Maybe we will win the Powerball, oh I know that won't happen either because "you can't win if you don't play." Anyway, I have rambled enough about the woes of Teri, I guess I will just go run some errands and then get home in time to take a nice afternoon nap. Now that sounds like a good idea to me. Maybe my attitude will be better when I wake up, but on the other hand maybe I will still be in the toilet.

Survived Another Christmas

All the grand kids right before we opened presents.

I survived another Christmas and am desperately in need of a good nights' sleep. We had a wonderful day with family and even the missionaries stopped by for dinner. The older I get the more I realize that it isn't about the presents, it's about being together as a family. After we opened gifts we ate dinner with our extended family, then we went to the Mesa Cemetery to decorate Kamber's grave. This is the second year we have gone and again I must say I am amazed at the people who visit there on Christmas Day. If you would have told me a few years ago that I would be spending part of Christmas in the cemetery I would have said you were crazy. Jenn brought some darling little trees and poinsettias and even a wreath to put on her headstone. Sometimes I wonder if the other children really understand what has happened and the finality of it all. We did get some good news from Ethan and Jenn, they are expecting a baby in the summer. It seems like every year on Christmas we get an announcement of a pregnancy. Okay, Mindi, Candi and Annie, who will step up to the plate next year? I'm so glad I'm old and don't have to ever be pregnant again. I didn't do so well when in my childbearing years, so I'm glad that part of my life is over. It's a good thing you do the hard stuff when you are "young and dumb" because I don't think I would have done it if I knew how challenging it was going to be. Next week we will be in 2010. I will turn 57 this year and it will be my parents 60th wedding anniversary. Where have all the years gone? Hopefully the economy will improve and our family will improve in the areas we need to this coming year. Maybe Ethan will even get a baby boy! He says if it's another girl "HE'S DONE." That's what he has said since Tayler, five kids ago. I hope you all had a great Christmas and are looking forward to the New Year. We love you all!

"The Most Wonderful Time"

I can't believe it is already Christmas, didn't we just have Thanksgiving? There is one thing I know for sure and that is as we get older time seems to speed up on us. I know now why my parents gave up on presents long ago and just give us a little money. This year wasn't so bad because we cut back because of the economy, but it is still stressful shopping for the eleven grandchildren. I am the practical Grandma in the family. I don't buy any toys for my little ones. I feel that is their parents and Santa Clause job to provide them with the fun things in life. I buy things to keep them warm and dry. Christmas isn't the same without all our family together. I don't know how families do it who are separated by miles and miles. Spencer and Annie will have their own Christmas tomorrow before he goes to practice, so we will be missing them. It is also the second year without our Angel Kamber. I don't know if life will ever be normal again where that is concerned we miss her so much. Rich and I were talking this morning about the recent tragic events that have happened here in Arizona. There was a lady shot while jogging this week in Phoenix and then there were three people killed in a car accident during a dust storm on the freeway. I have felt so bad for these families. That is one thing that happens when you go through a traumatic event in your life, you begin to relate to others who are going through similar trials. I can't believe how hard it would be to be planning a funeral around Christmas. I am also wondering what kind of person would shoot a defenseless fifty-seven year old "soon to be grandma?" Two of the people killed in the car crash were teenage siblings a seventeen year old girl and her fourteen year old brother. How terribly sad for their family to have lost two children in a horrendous wreck right before the holidays. Christmas is supposed to be the "most wonderful time of the year." We have had so many people who have brought delicious treats to us and are so overwhelmed with the generousity shown towards us. We also know that their are people we know who are suffering. All I can say is that I know our Heavenly Father loves us and is aware of our needs. We knew it would be hard when we left our home in Heaven to come to earth to be tested. Sometimes I wonder if I did really agree to all this, but I must have. We wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope we will understand the true meaning of Christmas.

True Spirit of Christmas

I woke up early this morning wondering where to start. Everywhere I look there is an unfinished project or something that needs to be done. I was feeling overwhelmed so I decided I would take a few minutes and just write some of my feelings down.

Rich has some good friends in Scottsdale that he has worked for in their home. They are Bill and Doris and they are in their eighties and never had any children. They love Christmas and in the past we have been invited over for a delicious dinner and admired their beautiful home filled with all their decorations. Well, the last few years they have been giving some of these treasures to Rich when he comes by to do a little project for them. They are getting too old to do all the work it takes to put everything up and take it down. This year Bill gave us two boxes of the prettiest crystal ornaments and told Rich to put them on the two small flocked trees he gave us last year. So this year I decorated our big family tree, and Rich decorated the two little flocked trees with the crystal ornaments. At night when I plug them in they are so pretty. They just sparkle with the white lights bouncing off these darling shapes. They have hummingbirds, snowmen, bells, snowflakes, cowboy boots, and just about everything else you could imagine. I'm sure some of these ornaments were quite expensive, and some just very practical. Anyway, every time I walk by these trees I think of Kamber. I think of how beautiful she is and how pure she is. She never lived long enough to actually sin. I am filled with such gratitude for my testimony that she lives and that we will see her again. Because of the birth of Jesus Christ we can be born and then at some point we will all leave this earth and return to our "real home". I love the "Spirit of Christmas." It seems like everyone is a little bit nicer, a little more forgiving, a little more generous than any other time of the year. I hope we will all realize the true meaning of Christmas and do something nice for those around us this year.

Angels are wathcing over us

I had an interesting experience yesterday that still has me reeling. As the mother of a professional football player I worry about him all the time. It has gotten a little better since he got married. I think Annie has picked up where I left off. Anyway, yesterday Spencer had a game starting at 11:00 a.m. so I hurried and got in the shower so I could get ready for church while I watched the game. As I was in the shower I had this thought come to me that I thought was really strange at the time. It was "if Spencer were to get really hurt in this game, would you be willing to get on an airplane and go to Denver to be with him?" That totally caught me off guard and I just started praying that he wouldn't have an injury to test my faith. As the game began I watched Spencer run down the field on the first kick off and tackle the player just as his teammate hit him. I could tell instantly by the way he landed and how he rolled over that he was hurt. They said, "we have an injured Denver Bronco so we will take a break." My heart sank and I could tell I was moving into a "this can't be happening again" mode. Mindi's kids all came running down to make sure I knew that Spencer was hurt. We got ready and went on to church and taught our Primary class, all the time wondering if Spencer would be okay. Candi did text message us and said they x -rayed his neck and back and didn't see anything broken. That was good news. Later in the day Annie called and we had a nice visit with her, she said he was feeling better and she would have him call us when he got home. He called later in the evening and told us that his player hit him on the top of his head which made him twist weird and hurt his lower back, they would do a MRI this morning. I just got a call from him, he said the MRI was negative and that he could probably play this week if he can endure the pain, they gave him a big shot of anti inflammatories and told him to rest. I guess the head trainer looked at the film of the hit he took and told him he was a very lucky guy, he could have been really hurt maybe even a career ending injury. As we left for church I was murmuring about how "why can't he get a break?" Now I need to repent, Heavenly Father was watching over him and I feel so blessed he wasn't hurt worse than he was.

Tis the Season

This has been such a crazy busy week. It started on Sunday when they called Rich to be on the High Council. We went to the church for him to be set apart and it was nice to have my parents there with us. On Tuesday we had Enrichment Night for Relief Society. It was a nice dinner and program, the theme was "Believe." On Thursday night I helped the activities committee make 125 caramel popcorn balls for Santa to give out at our Christmas party today. Then last night we had our first High Council dinner and white elephant exchange. The dinner was delicious and we laughed and laughed at some of the gifts people brought. Then finally this morning we had our Ward Christmas Party. We had a nice breakfast with muffins, donuts, bagels, bacon, egg casserole, oranges, bananas and just about everything else you could imagine. I continue to be amazed at the talent we have in our ward. It is wonderful how everyone works so well together to make things nice and to make sure we know what this season is all about. After the party everyone pitched in and helped clean up, I'm sure the committee is so tired. They have been working on this activity for months. I wonder how people live without the gospel. At times I feel so overwhelmed with what is asked of us to be a member of this church, but the blessings we receive from serving far out way the time we spend in service. We struggle with our feelings of sadness with another Christmas without Kamber, again I wonder how families deal with the death of child without the knowledge that we will see her again. I know there are families that are going through hard times and we pray for them. We know by experience that life can change in the "blink of an eye", hopefully our testimonies will continue to grow as we love and serve those around us.

Grateful or Bitter

We had a good weekend. Besides trying to get my house decorated and our Christmas lights up, we also had Stake Conference. It is always nice to have a change of pace and have Conference. About two weeks ago we got a call to meet with the Stake Presidency. They have called Rich to be on the High Council. It will be busy, but hopefully not as busy as the Bishopric. I hope he will do a good job and learn to love the members of the Stake like he loves the members of the Gilbert 6th Ward. Anyway, as we were going to the adult meeting of conference last night Rich mentioned to me how sad he gets sometimes if he starts thinking about our Angel Kamber. I expressed to him how hard it is for me because not only am I grieving for Kamber, but also for the sadness it has brought on Ethan, Jenn and their little girls. As we sat in the meeting listening to the talks they were all things we needed to hear. They were the usual food storage, get out of debt, and live within your means lectures. We know we need to do better in those areas. Then Elder Perry Webb gave one of the best talks I have ever heard. I grabbed a paper and started writing some of the things he said down. He first talked about the MYTH we have in the church. That is if we do everything right, stay morally clean, go on a mission, marry in the Temple, stay active in the church, we won't have any trials or challenges in our life. Then he went on to say that "we learn obedience through suffering. That through our trials we develop character and their are things that we can only learn from suffering through our trials." He then said "we have two choices when we have adversity, we can either "be filled with gratitude and become more sympathetic to others, or become bitter." He then told us about how his sister had been asked to give a talk on Gratitude a week after she had buried her third child. She had given birth to six children and three of them had passed away. He didn't go in to the details of how these children died, but you could tell how much he thought of his sister and what a great example she was of having gratitude in her adversity. When his talk was over I looked around and almost everyone around me were wiping tears away. He had really touched on a subject that lots of people were relating to. It made me realize that we are not alone in our suffering. Their are those around us everyday who need our help. When you go through a devastating loss it changes who you are. I hope in our case it will change us for the better, that we can forget our own pain and help those around us.

Shopping... thanks to Spencer

Our crew leaving the store with all of our gear!

Some of my friends have asked me what it's like to have a son playing in the NFL. I really don't feel any different and at times it is even hard to believe. Because Spencer lives in Denver and plays his home games there, then travels all over the country to play, I haven't been able to watch him play in person yet. I did go to a pre-season game with the Cardinals last year in Glendale, but I just watch him on t.v. One of the perks for him is that he gets endorsement money from Reebok. He is really nice to share that money with us by letting us go shopping for free. Yesterday Mindi, Candi and B.J., Jenn and I went to Arizona Mills Mall to go shopping at the Reebok Outlet for FREE! We did it last year and it was so fun. His agent sets it up for us to get a certain amount of money to buy stuff and boy does it help. We mainly got shoes, socks, sports bras for Candi (thank heavens), and miscellaneous other shirts and hats. It took us over two hours but we sure had fun. B.J. helped a lot and watched the kids while we wandered around the store. They also went and saw Santa Clause and then we ate lunch. After a ride on the carousel we hit a couple other stores and came home. I know this year is tough for lots of families because of the economy we feel so blessed to have the opportunity to get some necessary items without having to go in debt. It is nice to have a son who is so generous with his family. Each one of our children try to serve when needed and give of their time and talents. We are truly blessed.

Sleep Deprived

I don't know what is wrong with me but if I don't fix it soon I'm going to be a raging idiot. I keep waking up at random times in the night, (last night it was 2:30 a.m.) and then I can't go back to sleep. It is truly driving me crazy. I was so tired from running errands and trying to put Christmas up that I knew I would sleep like a baby, but NO! I was still awake at around 6:00 a.m. this morning. I remember hearing the clock chime every hour from 3-6 and then I finally got back to sleep but was up again at 7:30. I might as well be taking care of a newborn baby because that is how sleep deprived I feel right now. I guess I'm worried about something, okay a bunch of things, but I should still be able to sleep. Last night I remember thinking about Kamber and how much I missed her. I want to do something in her "memory" but haven't quite figured out something I could do to honor her. It seems like I always get like this around the Holidays because I have so many projects I want to get done, but this is ridiculous. I also miss my little guy Spencer and his family. I haven't seen them since they left for Colorado last spring. They love it up there and now that he's playing I know he's really busy. He has had a good couple of games and the coaches are happy with his playing so I'm thankful for that. We are also constantly praying that he won't get injured again. It seems like there are so many players in the NFL lately that are getting concussions and that worries me too. I guess I just don't have enough "FAITH" to understand that I have no control over what happens. I can do my part but I know from experience that trials can come at any time. Maybe that's why I can't sleep, I'm just waiting for the phone to ring to give me the bad news. There again, no faith. Maybe I will just go in and take a little nap, maybe I will feel better in a couple of hours.

Our Sharing Time Video

Our eleven year old girls had to do Sharing Time last week. It was about "My Family and I Can Serve Others." We did a "Serving up Service Pie" lesson. Mindi is so creative, she did most of the work. Anyway, she made this video that we played after we were finished with our activity. We have NO idea how blessed we are. It almost makes me feel unworthy for all the blessings I have.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

This Turkey Is Tired

My parents with some of the food.

This is all of our desserts. Not a very good picture though.

Can I just tell you I am soooo tired! I feel like I've been hit by a truck. We had around 50 people over for Thanksgiving dinner. I like having it at my house because it forces me to get things done that need to be done for years, but it really wears me out. I have noticed that the older I get the harder it is to get things done, but at my age I'm lucky to get anything accomplished. We had so much good food and I couldn't believe the pies. As my family were coming in and bringing the food they were assigned, they just kept bringing in pies. I had to take a picture of all the food because it looked so pretty. I really have the best family. The kids, grand kids and the cousins have so much fun and they are getting old enough to just let them play outside. It helped that the weather was 81 degrees. Last year the girls all went and ran the Turkey Trot, the rest of us went and watched. It was in honor of Kamber. This year it was too hard for the girls to train, Ethan had spent two nights in the Emergency Room with bad stomach pains and Candi was feeling sick also. Mindi exercises all the time but with her four kids it is hard for her to run 6 miles. Then there is me, my poor little arthritic hip had a hard time just getting out of the car and walking to the finish line. Anyway, this year Jenn ordered the cutest shirts with Kamber's picture on them and we did our first "Kamber Larsen Turkey Walk" after everyone left. I made it most of the way but I think the kids had fun riding their bikes and rollerblading. I hope by next year I will be walking better. I'm so thankful for the family I was born in to. My parents are such a good example to me and I know they love me no matter what faults I have. I struggle with some of my relationships in my family and I know they are brought on by my personality flaws, but I hope in the end my Heavenly Father will forgive me of my shortcomings and let me be with my family and Kamber in Heaven.

This is the back of the darling shirts.Our first annual "Kamber Walk".

"Endure to the End"

Kamber and Troy about the same age

Last week as I got ready to run errands with Mindi I went down to her house to see how much longer she was going to take getting ready before we would leave. As I got in her family room Troy was sitting stark naked on her couch watching Einsteins. I said, "Troy what are you doing naked?" He just smiled at me with his little "no teeth" grin so I proceeded to grab his clothes off Mindi's bed and dress him. As I went to put his socks on, I looked at his feet and they looked just like Kamber's the day we dressed her at the mortuary. It was such a sweet, but sad memory for me and I had a few tears roll down my cheek. Troy is about the same age and size as Kamber was when she passed away and is just about as "naughty" as she was. It's weird how the grieving process is, some days I do fine but there are days that I just don't seem all there. I was reminded this week by my friend that it takes two full years for the grieving process to be complete, and even then I know we will have hard days. The holidays are the worst. Rich and I were talking the other night before we went to bed and I said, "this will be the second Thanskgiving and Christmas without Kamber." At times it seems like this has all been a bad dream and nothing really happened, that maybe there really wasn't even a Kamber in the first place. But, then I come back into reality and feel all the pain, sorrow, heartache and loss all over again. I know this life is full of trials and pain, and I know that our family isn't the only one going through hard times. I know that Kamber is with our Heavenly Father and that gives me peace. I know she loves her family and that we love her. At this Thanksgiving season I am so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that we will see her again and be united as a family. Without that it wouldn't be worth it. As my friend told me this week, "we are asked to Endure to the End, but there is no End, so that just means we need to Endure."

Mom Is 80 Years Old

All of us kids with our parents.

My mom and her delicious cake.

Our big group at dinner.

Wow it's weird when your parents turn 80. I know how I feel at 56 so they can't feel all that great at 80. I talk to my Mom every morning and if I call her she is always so chipper and happy. I'm not a morning person and Rich has even compared me to a grizzly bear. Anyway, I usually ask her why she's so happy and her reply is always, "well I made it through another night." Isn't that nice that she is excited to live for another day? We had a really nice evening with her for her birthday. My sister Mell and her husband Larry, Rich and I, my brother Len and his wife Julie and my sister-in-law Linda all met at the Temple and did a Sealing Session. The Temple is really hard for me because of my anxiety but I did so good with my family all there together. Dad was a little upset because we came on Wednesday and that is a night that they work in the Temple but we tried to change his attitude about it because it WAS Mom's birthday. After we finished at the Temple we took her to the Landmark for dinner. My brother Ben joined us there, he had been away on business. The food was delicious and we had a good time laughing and visiting. We didn't invite the grand kids and great grand kids because we did that for Dad's birthday in January and it cost a "pretty penny" to feed that crew. Besides we will all be getting together this week for Thanksgiving and that is always hectic and we didn't want to tackle it twice in one week. I feel so blessed to have both my parents still living. I never new either of my Grandfathers so my kids are really lucky to have grandparents both living. They are both such good examples to our families. They have lived a very modest life where we were taught service through example. I am so thankful they are still healthy and able to take care of themselves and work in the Temple. I hope I'm doing that good when I turn 80. My sister and I were wondering if we would even be around when our 80th birthday rolls around. Anyway, if I am I hope my kids will do a birthday extravaganza for me, I'm not holding my breath though.

Thankful For My Problems

This has been a very busy and stressful last couple of weeks. There again, I can't remember when my life hasn't been busy and stressful. Between Halloween, pomegranate picking, juicing, and jelly making, and now getting ready for Thanksgiving I have felt very OVERWHELMED! I also have been fighting the usual symptoms of old age, insomnia, weight gain, hormonal imbalance and a few I'd rather not talk about. Mindi and I run errands everyday. It is rare if we don't have something to do or somewhere to go. Yesterday we were at Hobby Lobby (Mindi's home away from home) and we were looking at all their Fall decorations that were 80% off. As I was pushing the cart I noticed a nice looking woman in a wheelchair with only one leg. She was quite young and I always wonder what happened. Anyway, today we went to JoAnn's to get some paper for our sharing time this Sunday and as I was walking through the store I noticed an older lady in a power chair with feet that were so red and swollen you couldn't really see her sandals. It looked very painful to me but she looked happy just riding around looking at things. As I caught up to Mindi I asked her if she had seen the woman and she said "yes," and just shook her head. We then went on to Higley Feed to get some scratch for our chickens, I was sitting in the car waiting when a woman came out who walked very odd like maybe she had MS or was just crippled. Then as we were in the Walgreen's parking lot another woman came out who looked like she had an artificial leg and had trouble walking. I mentioned to Mindi about how many people I had seen in two days who were struggling. I notice things like that because I too have a hard time walking without a limp. I had a fractured pelvis as a child and because of childbirth I have terrible arthritis in my hip. Sometimes the pain is so bad I want to give up or amputate my leg myself. As I watched all these other people I felt such gratitude that even though my life isn't perfect I will take my trials and try to be happy with my own problems. We are all given trials and challenges to bring us closer to the Savior. There have been times that I didn't think I could walk another step, but somehow I have found the strength to keep on going. As Mindi told me as we were driving off, "You see Mom, it could be a lot worse."

Pomegranate Jelly and Baby Chicks?

All my jelly that we made yesterday.

This week has been crazy busy for me. My Mom came over on Monday and Thursday to help me make pomegranate jelly. It is fun to have her come help and it takes less time than me doing it all by myself. I stood on my feet from 9:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. yesterday and I was so tired I needed a nap. Candi was here with her boys playing with Troy. They decided to leave Major and Troy and take Dally Dog to Hobby Lobby so I went in Mindi's room to watch t.v. while the boys played a shooting game on the Wii. I had been resting comfortably on the bed for about 30 minutes when Troy came in to tell me that he had "hatched two eggs." I said what are you talking about? So he took me in Mindi's kitchen to show me what he had done. We have decided to raise some chickens and so we have a little white hen who has been sitting on two eggs for about a month. Yesterday when we went out to feed them, Mindi noticed that one of the eggs had a hole in it and the baby chick was starting to break out. They had gone out several times during the day to see if the chick was finally out. I guess that is why Troy thought if he broke open some of Mindi's eggs out of the fridge he would "hatch a baby." Anyway, he is so cute and so smart but we did end up with two baby chicks, one hatched yesterday and Mindi just found the other one this morning.We did get rid of all the birds and the rabbits but we thought it would be fun to have fresh eggs and breed three kinds of chickens. We have Silkies, Frizzles and Polish hens and two roosters right now, all the others are babies so we don't know what they will end up being. So between making jelly and hatching babies it has been a fun but busy week!

Our two baby chicks

"The Mighty Change"

Rich left this morning at 5:00 a.m. for Denver to watch Spencer play on Monday Night Football. It's always exciting for him to go but it always puts me in the toilet. I get the old "life isn't fair" attitude. I could go if I wanted to fly to Denver, spend the day and go to the game, then get up early and fly home at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. That just doesn't sound fun to me. It sounds exhausting and I'm already tired and I just got up. When Rich left he woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep. I was having anxiety about everything. I started thinking about all that I need to do today and I started feeling overwhelmed. I decided to go read my scriptures and try to settle down. When my Mom came over last week to juice pomegranates she brought me a book that a friend had given my Dad in 1982. It is call "The Mighty Change." I started reading it on Saturday. It basically talks about how we need to have that mighty change so we can overcome our problems and shortcomings in this life and try to become more like Christ. WOW! That's asking a lot for me to change enough to become like Him. Yesterday in Primary we were teaching the girls about how hard it was when the Saints got in to Utah. They had nothing; no food, no shelter, but they were so happy to be in a place where they felt safe. Crossing the plains had to be hell but they were so joyful to have a place to settle in and start building. The lesson was a combination of gratitude and keeping the Sabbath Day Holy. I definitely have a long way to go in both of those areas. Anyway, I know the mighty change is going to be a slow process for me but hopefully I still have a little bit of time left. I'm going to try and be happy today and show gratitude for all that I have been given.

"Doing Things That Are Hard"

I think we might have gotten a little "over our heads" on this pomegranate pick. In the past, Mindi and I have driven through the streets of Gilbert asking people if they cared if we picked their trees. This year we had a couple of nice neighbors offer their fruit so between those and my friend Sandy's two trees, and my three trees, we got a huge crop. We started juicing our little red "apples" (that's what Troy calls them, ) at 9:00 a.m. yesterday morning. We started out with Julie and her Mother Maxine, Me, Mindi and my parents. My sister Mell showed up a little while later and we had four Bosch's juicing. It took us about an hour to get our first 2 gallon container filled with beautiful red juice. We then had other family members come to help and it started going faster. Ethan's wife Jenn and my nieces Victoria and Alisha also came and helped. It was fun to sit and visit and work together. We only do this once a year, so when we do it we try to get as many pomegranates and helpers as we can. By the afternoon the young mothers all started to leave to go pick up children from school and Julie and her Mom were long gone, she had to go to Pine for Stake Youth Conference. We still had wheel barrels full of fruit to juice and I started getting discouraged. It seemed like we would never get done. Then Mindi's kids got home from school, Dave got home from work, Jenn brought her kids back and Rich even pitched in. Anyway, after we broke for dinner and went back outside, Rich put a light up so we could work in the dark and we finished juicing at around 9:00 p.m. My parents are such troopers. They were so tired but kept on working. After we were finished cleaning up my Dad commented on how by all of us working together as a family it builds relationships and it was special for him. Who knows how many more years they will be physically able to do this, but it was nice to all be together doing something. In Primary a few weeks ago they were talking to the kids about "doing things that are HARD". As I crawled into bed last night I definately thought that we had accomplished that goal of doing something hard. Now next week we will start making all our jelly. Now that's another thing that is hard, but I guess everything that is worth anything is hard.

Pomegranate Picking

My dear friend Sandy and me after picking for three hours. I know I look HOT!

Okay, I just might not make it through the night. We started a family tradition many years ago of making pomegranate jelly to give to family and friends for Christmas. It makes a beautiful red color jelly and it is quite tasty. The only thing wrong is that it is a he#* of a lot of work to get the juice to make it. Mindi, Julie Greer and I spent all morning picking the fruit in our neighborhood. Then this afternoon we went to one of my best friends Sandy Nichols' house down in Lehi and picked her two trees. I am so tired and sore I think I could crawl into bed and not wake up. We lived for twelve years down in the orange groves in North Mesa which we called Lehi. There are a lot of good memories of raising our family there. Rich came down for the last 45 minutes to help pick the really high ones and haul all the fruit home. Up until a few years ago my parents were still picking from trees in Mesa. They are both 80 this year and I can not believe that they could still pick these pesky little fruit. Tomorrow will be another day of picking and then the real fun starts when we start juicing the fruit. As we drove home I was thinking how doing pomegranates is like having another baby, you forget how much work it is until you start doing it again. It isn't all bad, there is a sense of accomplishment knowing that we are harvesting fruit that usually just falls off and rots. Being out in the fresh air and doing something you hope will make others happy is satisfying. Someone suggested that we sell our jelly. I don't think anyone would be willing to pay the price it would cost for how much work is involved. It truly is a labor of love, just like my baby blankets.

Rich getting all of the one's that we could not reach.

Mindi and the kids. They were so much help.

Happy Halloween and Birthday!

Today is my Grandma Fern's birthday. She died when I was going to BYU in 1974. I always associate Halloween with this special person in my life. I remember when she passed away how sad my Mom was. I had never really seen my Mother be so emotional about something. She was really close to her and it was a shock when she died at home in her sleep. It took her kids a whole year before they would even go through her house. Yesterday as Mindi and I were out running errands we were talking and I was wondering if losing Kamber will ever get easier? I remember what a shock it was when my Grandma died, just like it was when we got the call about Kamber. I think that was a turning point in my life. Until then, I really hadn't experienced the death of anyone close to me. They say that "time heals all wounds" so I'm hoping that as the time goes by it won't be as painful and sad as it has been. I know that life isn't all lollipops and rainbows. The sad thing about it is that until something is gone, you really don't appreciate what you have. I know I take everything for granted. I just expect things to go right for me. We live in a little bubble where we go to church and try to serve where we are needed, but sometimes I think we really don't know how bad it is out there. Life is brutal. Being married is hard. Raising children isn't a "walk in the park." At my age I'm wondering when the next trial is going to hit. That is one lesson I learned from my Grandma. She was always smiling. I have never met such a happy person since. She had some really hard challenges in her life. She outlived three husbands, all with poor health. I never heard her say an unkind thing about anyone, even the lawyers that lied about her in court and took away all her land and money. I definitely didn't get the DNA for positive and happy thinking from her. But, I will claim her as my example, my friend and hope to remember her life and try to be more like her. If I could be half the grandma she was I will be happy.

Love The Cool Weather!

This is the time of year that we all love about living in Arizona. It has finally cooled off and we will take it even if it's for a few days. I have lived here all my life. I was born in the old Mesa Southside Hospital in downtown Mesa. I remember going over to my Grandmother's house and loving the smells of the orange blossoms in the spring and the distinct smell of the fall. As I grew up I related the fall smells to football games. I have spent from childhood to now going to football games in the fall months. Now that Spencer is playing in Denver it is kind of sad that we don't have anyone to go cheer for. Our grandchildren aren't old enough yet, but hopefully some day one of them will play. For the last two weekends we have been planting our purple flowers to honor our little precious "angel child". Rich and I went to Lowes to pick up our assortment of purple and purple and white pansies. He also got some taller flowers to put around our fountain. As we were driving down to the store I began to cry and feeling sorry for myself. (That happens a lot lately.) I said, "no grandparents should have to go buy flowers to plant because one of their grandchildren have died." But, as we got home and went to work it became a little easier. We have always had enough money to do our whole walkway, but with the economy the way it is, we just can't afford three hundred dollars on flowers this year. Rich has planted his own seeds and is hoping to plant them soon. The holidays are hard. We know we are missing a member of our family. I hope she is near and knows how much we love and miss her. On Sunday as we were saying our family prayer I told Rich that we need to get to where instead of being so sad, we need to be happy for her. We know she is in a better place and won't have to suffer some of the trials our earthly life requires. We are trying hard and that is all we can do at this time.

BIG MAMA!!!

I must warn you, the pictures in this post may be disturbing to some, especially for me and my family. We had our Ward Fall Festival on Saturday. Most every year I go as myself with a cute shirt with pumpkins or something on it. Last year I told myself that I would dress up this year because I was tired of being a "party pooper." Most every year I see some darling costumes and can't believe how creative some people are. Anyway, last Friday I went with Candi to run some errands and ended up in a small costume shop at Fiesta Mall. We looked at the usual witches, pirates and vampires but nothing seemed to jump out at me. I finally found a costume at the back of the store that was suppose to be worn by a man. It was called "Big Mama." As a joke I tried it on and Candi and the girl in the store told me it was hilarious and Candi even offered to pay for half of it. I should have known better if those two thought I should wear it that it would be embarrassing. I don't know what got into me, I must have lost my mind, I've been doing that quite regularly lately. Anyway, I ended up at the party with this "get up" on and now I just can't believe I would really do that. I was afraid all day yesterday when the phone rang that it was someone from the Ward telling me that my costume was inappropriate and not to come to church, but that never happened. As I was leaving the party I ran into my brother Len, he said, "is that a costume or did you get it out of your closet?" Isn't he a nice brother? You know, now that I see the pictures it seems to suit me just fine. I think I will wear it more often, I think it brings out my true personality.

Thankful for Two Daughters

In my family growing up I had one sister and two brothers plus a Navajo brother that came and lived with us until he graduated from high school. I didn't always get along with my sister but now we are pretty good friends. Sometimes my sister and I will get on the phone three -way with my Mom and we have a good time talking. She always tells us how glad she is to have her two daughters. As I get older I am sure glad that I have been able to have two daughters. They are really different but both are great in their own way. Mindi is such a good person and would do anything for anyone. She helps me so much I could never repay her. She puts up with a lot living so close but I appreciate all she does for us. Candi is just a "ton of fun." There have been times that I think I could have literally wrung her neck, but as she has grown up and matured we can finally, for the most part get along. She is so good to keep our hair looking nice and she does lots of nice things for people in and out of the family. I just got home from shopping with her and she is sometimes brutally honest, but I guess so am I. As my children get older they almost become my friends instead of me being their parent. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. The other day while Candi was changing her babies diaper she was joking that someday she would be changing mine. Oh, I hope that never happens, I hope the Dear Lord will take me home before I have to rely on one of my daughters to take care of my sanitary needs. Mindi has made a promise to protect me when I get too old and Candi is going to make me look beautiful for my funeral. That is what is so good about having two daughters!

"Plan of Happiness?"

It is so weird because every time I start blogging the tears start flowing. I was told by a friend of mine to get up every morning and write two pages of anything that comes to my mind. Even if it's your grocery list, write it down. I guess it does something to your mental health but so far I don't think it's helping. It is sad how as we age we begin to see things we have done when we were young, immature and stupid that affect us when we get old. Some of my choices have really come back to bite me in the backside. I have read so many church and self help books I should have a degree in something, but I still struggle every day to keep it together. I ask myself all the time, "Is this really what the plan of happiness is all about?" If it is, then why am I so disappointed in my life. I know people that have gone through many hard trials and when I see them they have a smile on their face. Why does my face always look like my best milk cow just died? I know life is hard right now for a lot of people. Families are dealing with things I would never want to have to, but that doesn't make it any easier to walk the pathway I get to. I would never have picked the trial of losing a grandchild. I know I wouldn't, then why did that come on my pathway? I hope it will all be worth it when we get to the other side. It has to be better than this earthly life. Sometimes I wish I could just get of visit from my Grandma Fern, my Aunt Tenna, or even Kamber, and they could reassure me that is really is worth it. Then maybe I could put a smile on my face and enjoy this journey.

I Have A Family

I started blogging after Kamber passed away because I felt it would help me heal from the pain of the loss of that darling little girl. At times I feel like I am inspired to write about certain feelings I am having, but on the other hand I know I may be giving too much personal information about myself and my family. My life isn't a very exciting one. I pretty much do the same things everyday. I make the same bed, do the same dishes and clean the same house over and over again. I also feed the same cat, three dogs and all my fish and turtles day in and day out. I don't go anywhere or do anything that might be considered "going out on a limb" kind of thing. I grew up in a house with two very conservative school teachers who were very active in church but had very little extra money to travel or recreate. We didn't go to the lake or the beach or to Mexico like a lot of the families in our ward. I guess that is why all of us kids either played sports or the piano. They gave us all they could and especially wanted us to be educated, so we all graduated from college and both brothers went on missions. I know my parents love us kids and would do anything for us. They have not only supported Rich and I, but they have also been so good to our children and grandchildren. They don't have much, but what they do have they are so generous with. They are both 80 years old now and when I look at how well they are doing compared to some senior citizens their age I am so grateful. That they still have all their marbles is a blessing to our family. My Mom was very close to her Mother and her sister who have both since passed away. She also has told me how sad it was when my uncle was killed in an airplane accident while serving in the Airforce. She tries to lift my spirits when I'm down. They work in the Temple and are so dedicated to the gospel. As the children were singing our closing song in Primary, "I have a family here on earth, they are so good to me, I want to share my life with them through all eternity," I had to smile and think of my family here on earth and my grand baby in heaven.

"Worry Wart"

Everyone who is close to our family knows that my Mother is a "worry wart." She calls all us kids everyday and asks the same questions, "how's everything going? And how are all the kids?" If someone is sick or something is wrong we know she will always have an answer or at least some sympathy. Even as a young child I knew my Mother worried about everything. When my grandparents house in Springerville burned down she wouldn't go in an elevator or a basement for many many years. When we traveled she wouldn't eat anything until we arrived at our destination because it would literally make her sick. When we were learning how to drive we were only allowed to make right turns, so we would drive around the block making all right turns. The older I get the more fears I have. I used to think my life was safe, that I had everything under control. Since Kamber's passing it has become very clear to me that we live in a dangerous time. We need to be vigilant about who we let near our children and grandchildren. We need to be careful with what they watch and who they listen to. I know sometimes we have no control over what happens to us, the trials we have to go through, but some things we bring on ourselves. I think we can live a full life without becoming paranoid, but as we look around the world there are some really scary things happening. I have a witch that sits in my entryway during Halloween. Troy won't even come down the hall anymore so he goes out the front door of Mindi's and rides his bike all around the house to avoid her. I try to tell him that she is so cute and so nice, but he doesn't believe me. I wonder where he gets that from?

"Brightness of Hope"

I have been so tired since returning from my trip to Utah. I don't know how people travel across the world and through all different time zones. This little trip to Utah has about killed me. Anyway, since I have been home it has been a struggle to get back to my normal routine sleeping and housework included. I would even say I have been a little bit "down in the dumps." My Mom even keeps asking me what's wrong with me. I never really do know what is bouncing around in my brain and why at times I am an emotional wreck. I kept waking up every two hours during the night and a scripture kept coming into my mind. I finally got up and looked it up in my Book of Mormon. It is 2 Nephi 31:20 it says, "Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men." It seems like lately I am "without hope." WHY? I can logically tell myself that I have so many blessings, the gospel, my family, my home and all my earthly possessions. Then why don't I feel hopeful for the future? Rich and I have talked about it a lot lately, everything in our lives are changing. We are getting older and can't do what we used to. Our ward has changed with many ward members moving out and we also have a new Bishopric. Many of the changes are good but some are hard on us. Knowing that we have to wait a lifetime to see Kamber is painful. Because of the economy our business has taken a hit and it is hard to see Rich work his butt off and we still find it hard to make it. How are other people making it when they don't even have a job or any work? All these things keep mounting up and because of my personality, (not an eternal optimist,) it weighs me down. I guess I need to just keep memorizing that scripture and keep pressing forward and having a perfect brightness of hope. I need to keep remembering what Elder Ballard said last week, "If our lives are centered in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, nothing else matters."

Deja Vu

Rich and I were talking this morning about how much our lives have changed. Two years ago he was so busy with work and church it was crazy. He was doing a big job in Phoenix and the money was flowing pretty good. Spencer had just graduated from U of A and been drafted by the Denver Broncos which was a dream come true for him. All our children and grandchildren were healthy and happy. Ethan and Jenn were building a beautiful house in east Mesa to hopefully sell someday as an investment. Candi was doing hair and had just given birth to her second son while B.J. stayed home and took care of the home and kids. In July of 2008 our worst nightmare happened when Kamber drowned. It was a time of total chaos for us. We had never been through a trial like that and couldn't believe it was happening to us. People suffer everyday but you never think it will happen to YOUR family. Since then the economy has gone to crap and our business has slowed down to where Rich has taken jobs that he hasn't done in fifteen years. We have been lucky to have survived this long, but who knows how much worse it is going to get. At times I find myself becoming bitter about my life. It doesn't seem fair that you serve and sacrifice your time and talents like we have been asked to do and then be knocked to your knees with trials. I hate it! This happened to us twenty-five years ago when the stock market crashed and there was NO work. We had four little kids and a big house we had just built and I remember Rich hauling wood scraps off construction jobs and selling it to keep us going. As I look back at that I wonder how we survived. Life seemed so simple then. I have been feeling the same way I felt in 1985, the worry, the sadness, the despair, but this time it is different. I have way more things to worry about. As I have been trying to pull myself out of the "toilet" I remembered something President Ballard said last weekend. "If your family is centered in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, whatever happens just doesn't matter." I guess I need to repent and realize that what ever we are going through is for our own good. I hope someday to see the good in all of this.

Reunion Then and Now

On our way to the reunion. The other picture is the last time I went with Rich to his reunion.

The main reason I suffered driving 1200 miles to Utah was to go to Rich's Missionary Reunion with Elder Ballard. I think I have only been there once before and it wasn't that impressive to me. I didn't really know any of the other missionaries except my Brother Len so I was anxious to hear what he had to say this time. The main things I remember about his talk was the warnings he gave us. He talked about how we need to teach our children how to communicate with others. Because of our advanced technology they are on the computer and cell phones texting and they don't really know how to talk to each other. He said that the number of marriages that are in trouble because of pornography is skyrocketing. He warned us about being deceived by those who run scams and investment frauds. He also said that we need to tell our children "We Can Not Afford It." We are living in hard times and if we don't repent as a people the world will get worse. After he had talked he opened it up to questions. I really wanted to ask him a question but was too embarrassed to say anything. I wanted to ask him about Kamber. I wanted him to tell me if it was her time to go or if it was just an accident and that is what happened. My sister-in-law talked to him a little bit about my concerns and he was so kind to her, then as we were walking out of the cultural hall he was walking in. He stood there and talked to us for a while about my concerns. He told us about how he and his wife had lost three of their grandchildren. Two were very young children and one was a 22 year-old returned missionary who was killed in a tragic airplane crash in Cedar City, Utah. He told us to forget about how Kamber died and what could have been done to prevent it. Just know that she is with our Heavenly Father. We don't need to worry about her at all. We need to look at her as a "beacon of light" for our family and that we want to live to be worthy to be with her again. He then went on to talk about some things that the Prophets Joseph Smith and Spencer Kimball taught us about the death of children. He was so kind to us. I was glad I made the trip to be able to talk to an Apostle. It was an experience I will never forget. The trip was hard, I'm still trying to get back to "normal" what ever that is. I'm thankful for the gospel and it's teachings, for the ordinances we have that will bind our family together forever. I know we have a lot of work to do before we will be able to be worthy to join Kamber, I hope we are up for the task.

Shopping in Utah

Rich's comment..."guess who the witch is?"

There were three reasons I went to Utah last week. To see family, go shopping and attend Rich's missionary reunion with President Ballard. When we got there Thursday my sister-in-law Marybeth had a nice dinner for us. We had fun visiting with her and all her children came by to see us except one daughter who lives far away. She is the Relief Society President in her ward and is so very busy. She is an amazing person. Her house is spotless, and I don't know anyone who is more busy serving than she is. I joke that she reminds me of myself, NOT. She was so kind and we left the kids with the grandpas and went shopping at fabric stores and craft stores. It was fun and Utah has the best flannel material ever. We then decided to go to a place called Gardner's Village. It was kind of like a big boutique with tons of shops. They had a Christmas shop, a Quilt shop, a Sign shop and then my favorite, the Sweet shop. They had all kinds of candy including fudge, taffy, caramel apples and chocolate covered sunflower seeds. We had Marybeth and her husband Richard, their daughter Kristi and her four children, Rich and I and my sister Mell and Rich's Mom Beth. It was crazy crowded because all the kids were out of school because of a teacher's convention. There were so many people you could hardly stay on the sidewalks. They had the most amazing women dressed up as witches so we took pictures of as many as we could to get ideas for my Halloween costume. You know, "if the broom fits, fly it." After all the shopping we were so tired so we went back to the hotel and rested until we got ready to go to the reunion. I will tell you about that experience with an Apostle tomorrow.

This witch had a "thing" for Rich.

This is our group as we were leaving the festival.

Pilgramage to Salt Lake

As a young family we used to go to Utah at least once a year to see Rich's family in Richfield and Salt Lake. As our children got older and more involved with school and sports we only made it up there a few times. Rich goes every year for his missionary reunion with President M. Russell Ballard, but because of my fear of flying I haven't gone for a long time. I think one of the last times I flew was to Salt Lake. Last year I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't be left behind this year and I lived up to that promise. Anyway, my sister Mell and her husband Larry love to travel there because he is from Utah and they used to live and teach in the Salt Lake area. After being in the car for four days and sleeping in hotels for five nights, I know now why I haven't gone to Utah in a very very long time. We had a good time and laughed a lot, saw some of the most beautiful country and even made it to the reunion, but I know now that I'm NO spring chicken and I probably won't do that trip again. The first day we went to St. George for our first pit stop and went to see the Temple there. It is a beautiful building with two huge staircases that go up to two doors on either side. I think that must have been the entrance at some time but now they have an entrance with a fountain and the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. As I looked down at one of the flower beds they had planted all purple flowers, I knew that must be for Kamber. The next day we went on to Salt Lake and ended up at "Sweets" which is a candy factory. We didn't take the tour but bought lots of candy to bring home to the family. They make salt water taffy and chocolate covered gummy bears and all sorts of goodies. You can buy their candy everywhere, even at Walmart but it was fun to go to the factory anyway. I will continue my travel report tomorrow, I had some really special experiences.

Me in front of the St.George Temple

I thought this was neat with the flag and the steeple.

"Kamber's" purple flower bed.

This was the biggest, prettiest flower I have ever seen.

Confused and Discouraged

Rich has little sayings he has said since we've been married. One of them is "are you confused, discouraged and looking for something better." I guess that is what the missionaries used in the discussions in the 70's when he was in Canada. I have thought of that quote often these last few months as the lingering depression of Kamber's passing, the economy has gone to h*#, and everything in our lives has changed. I am confused, discouraged and looking for something better. It seems like as we age things begin to fall apart. Our bodies aren't looking so "hot" and sometimes we don't feel that great either. Instead of having four children to worry about, we have eight children and twelve grandchildren to fret over. Anyway, all those things are blessings, but with the blessings comes the stress. For the last thirty-three years I have tried to do all I can to make the lives of my family better. I cleaned, washed clothes, dishes, dogs, and anything else that needed it. Rich would go with the scouts or hunting or whatever and I stayed home. Sometimes I could have gone but I developed "agoraphobia" after the loss of a pregnancy. So by choice I've stayed home in my little world. Anyway, I'm going out on a limb and leaving for Salt Lake in the morning. I'm taking a little trip, riding with my sister Mell and her husband Larry. I am afraid to fly so they have been kind enough to take the "slow boat to China" route. Rich will fly up Thursday afternoon and we will see family, shop and attend his missionary reunion with Elder Ballard on Friday evening. Then we will start our trip home on Saturday. Mindi has been kind enough to volunteer, (Ha, Ha,) to feed the animals, water the plants and keep our house safe. We appreciate her so much. She does so much service for us and all of our family. I know that by being the oldest she has been dumped on lots, but we love her and are so grateful that she is our daughter. Candi came over this week and cut all our hair and made us beautiful for at least the next couple of weeks. We love and appreciate her service too. I have the best kids. I know everyone thinks they do, but I'm sorry mine are the best. I hope we have a safe trip, say a prayer for me because I need all the help I can get.

It is What it Is

Yesterday was hectic, that isn't anything new, Sundays are always hectic for me. We had the Primary Program in Sacrament Meeting and the kids did really well. It's always good for a few laughs as some of the little Sunbeams can't talk very well. Some of the kids yell in the microphone, some you can barely hear, and others you have know idea what they just said. Anyway, I did really well until the closing song. It is one of my very favorite songs the kids sing. It is "The Family is of God." I really felt the spirit of those little children and the tears began to flow. When you lose a young child there is always that thought, "what would she look like now, what would she be doing?" I had this overwhelming sadness that Kamber will never be in a Primary Program. Maybe she is happy about that and maybe she was just too good to be on this wicked earth, but it still makes me sad. I guess that is selfish of me to want to be able to watch her perform, or grow up and play sports, get married and have her own family but "it is what it is." I have a testimony and faith that I will see her again, that she will be able to have all these experiences that she missed because of her early passing, but it doesn't make it any easier right now. Maybe in a few more weeks, months or years, but not now. Losing Kamber has tested my testimony more than any experience in my life and I hope to not have one as hard, but life is brutal. We all have to go through some crappy stuff to prove what we are made of. I asked a friend of mine "if Heavenly Father knows the "beginning from the end," and he already knows what my choices will be, then why do I need to go through all this?" He said, "yes he knows what you are going to do, but do you know what you are going to do? You need to prove what your choices will be." So, I will just keep plugging along trying to do the best I can in the situation I'm in because, "it is what it is" oh how true that is.