Sometimes My Prayers Are Answered

There have been times in my life when I have felt my prayers went unanswered. I have felt alone and abandoned. This week I had two experiences that made me think that maybe there is someone up there who actually does care about me. On Sunday evening Rich called to say the dogs had gotten out and he was looking for them. He had been at a fireside and as he drove up to the house the four dogs were in the front. He was able to get Trixie and Ozzie back in the fence but our two females went running down the street. These dogs are very expensive, $2,200 a piece and we co-own them with a friend in the ward. Spencer jumped on the bike and Mindi, Rich and a neighbor started driving around the neighborhood and surrounding areas. Dave went out and plugged the irrigation ditch where they got out of and then he got on the bike and went on the search and rescue. By 9:45 p.m. we still hadn't found them, so everyone came home thinking that maybe someone found them and just put them in their house waiting for Monday to find a solution. Anyway, Mindi and I didn't feel good about giving up, so I jumped into her car in my nightgown and we drove over to tell Sherrie the dogs were loose. On our way to her house we saw a group of kids just hanging out in the street talking and messing around. As we left Sherrie's and turned the corner we saw two white dogs being held by these young kids. We felt so lucky because just a few feet away was a busy street We thanked the kids and took our "bad dogs" home. Another thing that happened was that Spencer told me as they were leaving that Annie lost one of her diamond wedding bands in our hall bathroom. They had looked and looked but wanted me to keep an eye out for it. I had been in there several times looking in the garbage, bathtub and even sticking my hand in the toilet thinking maybe it fell in there. Yesterday I decided to ask Rich's secretary, Amber about the ring and let her know it was missing. She said, "have you looked under the cabinet?" I assured her that I had looked everywhere without finding it. Well she got up from the office looked in the bathroom and said, "there it is." I couldn't believe that we found it under the cabinet. When I called Annie to give her the good news she said, "I looked everywhere in that bathroom, I even stuck my hand down the toilet." This morning I was reading a little book a friend of mine gave me, called "Your Happily Ever After" by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. In this book he says, "adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy." Someday I hope to be worthy to experience that joy that comes through adversity, and hopfully have a "Happily Ever After" moment in my life.

Maybe Someday Trixie Can Go Home

Yesterday was kind of a weird day for me. I knew Spencer and Annie were leaving to go back home to Colorado. They get tired of living out of a suitcase and having their stuff scattered between both families. All morning long I kept having that same feeling I did when he left for Chile on his mission. Why would I feel so down? I stayed home all day in my little shell shuffling along doing what little I could to get by. When Rich got home from work, we sat down to eat dinner and then called to see where Spencer's little family were in their journey home. They were an hour out of Albuquerque but were making good progress. Today he will become a free agent, which means that the Denver Broncos no longer have rights to him. That also means he doesn't have a job anymore. I think I've been more stressed out about it than he is, maybe because he has more faith in the fact that we have little control over some things in our lives. We were hoping to know where he will play next year so he could take his dog Trixie home. She has been so excited with Spencer being here and now she just comes to the door and looks in hoping someone will let her in. So this morning I let her in just to walk around and see that Spencer wasn't here anymore. It was kind of sad, but Rich was working in the office and he gave her some kind words and a pet on her head. Last night as I was telling Rich about my feelings and how tired I am of staying home and cleaning my house, he said, "at least you are lucky enough to have a house to clean." That gratitude thing still evades me, but I am thankful for all that I've been given, especially those in my life who have given me the opportunity to serve. Now I'm off to Basha's to buy a few groceries to lift my spirit, bananas, carrots and milk, yum!

The Start of Spring Break Yee Hee!

This week is spring break for all the kiddos around here. When I was in school we didn't have all the fall break, spring break and half days. I do love this time of year here in Arizona. The temps are cool at night and in the 80's during the day. Our citrus trees are starting to blossom and that is one of my favorite smells. Candi and B.J. left for California yesterday to go on a Disney Cruise with the Wootans, while Spencer and Annie flew in from Hawaii this morning. I could let myself get depressed about not having the lifestyle of the "rich and famous" but traveling just isn't one of my passions, I like sleeping in my own bed. Today in church we had a baby blessing, a return missionary report on his experience and a lesson on the Priesthood. It got me thinking about all the blessings I've been given by the way of Priesthood Authority. I was lucky to have a Dad who honored his Priesthood and I still love it when I get a Fathers Blessing. As the teacher was giving her lesson she was talking about when her Grandmother died and how stressful it was planning her funeral with all the different religions and people involved. All of a sudden my heart started pounding and I became so emotional. My mind went back to when the accident happened and Kamber was taken home. The week of planning her funeral was intense as we went through the process of finding someone to make her dress, her video, pictures, and all the other arrangements. How could we have done it without all the kind people who came to our aid? We were in shock, dazed and confused and so very sad. What would we have done without the Priesthood power at that difficult time in our lives? I wanted to share that experience but knew if I did I would probably melt into a puddle of chocolate on the floor. I felt the spirit though and know that my life will forever be blessed by the Priesthood that surrounds me in my life.

"I Want a Peanut Buster Parfait"

As I have mentioned before me, my sister Mell, and Mindi have been on a quest to rid ourselves of unwanted body mass. It has been a hard fought battle starting before Thanksgiving, through the Holidays and continues on today. After deciding a couple of years ago to not go the surgical route, I have prayed for an answer to this problem. I remember asking one of my doctors why he didn't help his patients lose weight. All I remember him saying is that there are so many reasons for people to be overweight and it gets too complicated. I had become discouraged at how slow the weight has been coming off. Two weeks ago when I went I hadn't lost any weight and decided if I couldn't get my head right, I was going to give up. Just like I've done time and time again. Well, today when we went to the doctor we all lost weight, Mell and I three pounds and Mindi four. I finally passed the twenty pound marker and hopefully will be able to keep it up. Yesterday as we were running errands we passed Paradise Bakery where Mindi said, "Boy how I want a cookie." Then a little bit later as we went by the Dairy Queen I said, "What I wouldn't give for a Peanut Buster Parfait." It was a good thing Mindi didn't hesitate to let me know that wasn't on our diet. As Mothers we are in charge of feeding our children and keeping them alive. I was the "Kool Aid Mom" because I didn't work I was the one passing out homemade chocolate chip cookies. The loneliness I felt staying home with kids while Rich slaved away has taken a toll on my body and my sanity. I have noticed that as I have tried to not medicate myself with food the emotions are running high. I know Rich gets the brunt of my bad moods and emotional breakdowns. Last night as I was sitting in the tub relaxing I said, "you have to wonder why we have to go through these trials in our lives." All Rich could say was, "Yea you just have to wonder." It seems like these days we do a lot of wondering around here.

"To Be Free of Heavy Burden"

Max and Brookie
Ethan, Rich and Max

Me and Candi
Candi with Dally, Major, Brookie and Kylie
Jenn and Reagan

Yesterday was a sweet day for me. We started out with family pictures and then church. Ethan did a great job giving little Reagan a name and a blessing. I was so proud of him. It was also Spencer's birthday so we celebrated during a luncheon after church. It seems like forever since we have had all our family together. It will probably be a long time, and maybe never when we will be able to get another picture. Spencer will be going home to Colorado as he waits to see what team he will be playing for next year. He and Annie left for Hawaii this morning, I hope they get back safe, I would never fly over shark infested waters unless I was unconscious. My parents, sister and brother -in-law came to support and it is always fun having them with us. Yesterday was Fast Sunday so during church there were testimonies born. The member of the Bishopric did such a nice job telling about losing his son and how he didn't handle it right. There has been a lot of talk lately in meetings how we need to turn all of our burdens over to the Lord. It seems like I have been struggling with heavy burdens for a long time now. I don't really understand how to just give them up, so I decided to do a little research. I found a good article by Elder Richard G. Scott called "To Be Free of Heavy Burden" given during General Conference in 2002. In it he quotes scriptures "I will...ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that ...you cannot feel them..., and this will I do... that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." He then goes on to talk about repenting of serious sins and trying to forgive those who offend us. I still don't know if I quite understand how to turn my burdens over to the Lord, but it sounds wonderful. I know there are many who are going through really hard times. I have a cousin who at 29 is fighting breast cancer, she is so sick from the chemo and her family is worried sick for her. Everyone has a trial, some of us have two or three we are struggling with. At the end of the article Elder Scott says, "When possible, lay the burden at the feet of the Savior." Now if I can just learn how to do that life will be better.

"I'm Whole, Perfect, Powerful..."

The weekend is upon us, I still can't believe how fast time is passing me by, maybe that's a good thing. As most of my friends and family know it's hard for me to stay out of the toilet daily. It seems like I let people and situations affect me in a negative way. I remember my Dad trying to give me advice a few years ago telling me that I need to "not to let other people affect the way you react." Anyway, last weekend when Spencer was torturing me, he thought he was helping, he told me to repeat a little saying, "I'm Whole, Perfect, Powerful, Strong, Loving, Harmonious, and Happy" over and over. I wouldn't consider myself any of those attributes right now. I hadn't thought about it again until I could feel those discouraging thoughts coming back into my mind this morning. Ethan and Jenn are blessing their baby this Sunday and since this will be the only time our whole family will be together for a long time, I wanted to get together for a family picture. It should be nice weather and no one is pregnant, I think, so hopefully we can put our smiling faces on and get some good pictures. I have a favorite picture that hangs in my entryway that I will never take down. It is the last family picture we had taken with Kamber in it. I remember how hard it was for her to stand still and we were sitting on some rocks. Ethan had to finally stand behind her and hold her up, she was so fun. Anyway, we miss her everyday and know she is in a beautiful place where she is loved and I know she loves us. As a family we will continue on our path until that day comes when we will see her again, that I know for sure.

My Weekend Was a Blurr!

This weekend was a blurr for us. I helped Spencer and Annie keep the home fires burning at the Moser house while Mindi was in Colorado with Tristyn at a volleyball tournament. Dave took care of Trulie all weekend and had some special Daddy Time while we entertained all the other children. On sat. we got irrigation so we decided to spend the day away to keep the kids out of the water. Spencer helped me do a workout to help me get some mobility in my hip and burn some calories. I think he forgets that I'm an old lady, crippled, thick and not used to doing hundreds of reps with weights. My legs have been so sore I could hardly crawl in to bed, but I'm finally getting back to normal. He wanted to take me on a two mile walk but when I told him I wasn't going for that, we decided to do a "sit and be fit" workout. Annie spoiled us with some delicious meals and it was fun to have them here helping bathe the kids and keep the house reasonably clean. Mindi got home late last night and Trulie wouldn't let anyone take her from her Mommy. This morning when I went down to see how everything was going, Mindi told me she had been up with the baby all night running a fever and she was sick. Oh the joys of being a Mother, getting away for a while and then coming home to a sick baby. We just got home from the doctor and the grocery store. picking up presciptions, both ears are infected, and food for at least dinner tonight. The talks on Sunday were good, how we need to let our lights shine. I spend a lot of time in the dark, but at times when the clouds part I can see the eternal part of this "plan of happiness" we have going on here. I thought my life would slow down when my kids were all grown and gone. How dumb I was, sometimes I'm spinning out of control with all that needs to be done, but it sure would be boring if it was just Rich and I here. We are truly thankful for our posterity. I am amazed at what good parents my children are to the grandkids, I know it gets overwhelming at times, but that's what we are here to do.

Where's That Rocking Chair?

I thought when you got older life slowed down. I was looking forward to sitting on the porch in a rocking chair bird watching. It seems like my life gets busier by the minute and I'm getting farther and farther behind. This week has been spent running errands for a family baby shower for my niece, Mary yesterday and Mindi and Tristyn's trip to Colorado for a volleyball tournament this weekend. I just finished a quilt for her as the temps in Colorado are in the 20's and 30's not like our 80 here. I got stung by a stupid scorpion on Tues. so that has also put a damper on my sleep and well being. I swear if there is just one little scorpion it's going to find me where ever I am. This weekend Spencer and Annie are coming over to stay and help Dave with the children while Mindi is away. Trulie is almost 8 months now and totally attached to her mother. Hopefully we will be able to keep her alive and happy until Mindi gets home on Monday. I'm still fighting the "battle of the bulge" getting through Valentine's Day, birthdays and wedding receptions, plus the shower yesterday has gotten me a little discouraged. There are always going to be events that celebrate with food. It seems like I do okay for a couple of days and then something triggers me. I realize what an emotional eater I have turned in to. I had an epiphany the other day as I was watching a show on t.v. We all have something we use to help us cope with the pain in our lives. I have gotten used to eating and shopping to relieve those emotions. Now with the downturn in the economy and the need to get healthy, I realize that my lifestyle has been so self destructive. I see the "law of the harvest" in my life daily. We can all lie, cheat, steal, gossip or whatever, but at some time we will all get to suffer the consequences of those actions. I'm trying to make some changes in my life and my attitude. Having gratitude for everything I have especially my family. I have sometimes wondered if the choice to marry and have kids was right, it has been really hard for me. Hopefully my efforts won't be in vain. Now if I can just get to Dillard's today for their 40% off clearance sale it will be a good day!

Birthdays, Weddings and a Baby Shower

With all the celebrations we have been having over here it is wreaking havoc with my diet. Today is Mindi's 35th birthday so I'm saving up my calories for some cake and ice cream later on tonight. Last week I had Valentines' treats from my visiting teacher, a See's coconut heart, I didn't even look at the calorie count on the box. We went to lunch with a few of Mindi's friends for her birthday, Mexican food, yummy and then last night Rich and I went to a wedding reception where they had a western theme, with a barbecue and white wedding cake, my favorite. I need to work really hard so that when I go weigh in on Wed. it won't be depressing. I can't believe that my firstborn child turns 35 today. Where has all the time gone? Dave's birthday was on Friday, he turned 38, two years away from 40. Life continues to move forward as we get older and so do our children and grandchildren. Today in church the speakers talked about the importance of the family and how we can be together forever. Sometimes I think we take that knowledge for granted and wonder if we really want to be together on the other side. After Kamber passed away I wanted to do everything possible to make sure I was worthy to see her again. Now as I have moved through the stages of grief, anger, bargaining, denial ... it has become harder to wrap my brain around what I need to do to be able to be with her and those I love who have passed on. Life is short, and hard and hopefully I'm up for the challenge, besides I'm going to have a baby shower at my house on Thurs. , my diet sabotage keeps going on. Happy Birthday to my lovely daughter Mindi, and her sweet husband Dave!

"How Much Love Is There In Your Life?"

February always seems to go by so fast. I love all the red shiny decorations and the beautiful hearts and flowers, it seems like love is in the air everywhere. We have four birthdays in our family in February, Annie, Kamber, Dave and Mindi. On Valentines' Day Spencer and Annie came over and fixed dinner for us. It was delicious and very thoughtful of them, they even did all the dishes. Rich gave me a nice handwritten note and some flowers. He learned early on that he would be in the "dog house" if he didn't recognize me on that special day. I am also aware that this day can be a very sad day for many, not everyone has a spouse or children to share it with. In the paper last week I found an article titled, "Have A Heart-To-Heart With Yourself." It was talking about someone asking an author if he could ask any question about their health and how long they are likely to live, what would it be? He said "it wouldn't be do you smoke? Are you overweight? What's your cholesterol or blood pressure? Instead he said he would ask,"How much love is there in your life?" I was really intrigued by this question. How much love do I really have in my life? The article goes on to say how emotional health is such a huge factor when it comes to preventing cardiovascular disease, which it the No. 1 killer in the U.S. It then said that "we need to open our hearts to others. Be kind, be non-judgemental, be compassionate, be funny, and be a good listener." It isn't a news flash that I'm struggling with some hard things right now, but reading this has made me want to do better. More suggestions were to 'Be more active, let go of anger, and eat smarter," all things that I need to do better at. Life is hard and sometimes is taken way to soon, but hopefully I can endure the trials that have been put in my life and become a better person with a healthy heart.

Busy Monday and Another Favorite Holiday

This morning when I went down to Mindi's to see what we needed to get done today, she said we had to be at Hobby Lobby by 9:00 a.m. to get some material for Tristyn's sewing project. She needed it at the school by 9:30. So I hurried and made my bed, ate breakfast, got dressed and was out feeding animals by 8:30. After we went and dropped the material and her lunch off at the school we headed to the feed store to get rabbit and chicken pellets. When we left there we decided to stop by Annie's parents house and pick up the breathing machine for Trulie. She has been to the doctor twice in three days and Mindi hasn't gotten much sleep with her being sick. We decided to bring Spencer's boys with us to run a few more errands. We stopped at the dollar store to find something to put on sweet Kamber's grave and off we went to the cemetery. On the freeway as we got to the exit I became so emotional. Is it always going to be like this when I go visit her final resting spot? The boys were asking if this is where their cousin is buried and then went off to play and look at all the decorations. I am always amazed at the creativity people have when they decorate graves of loved ones. There were just a few people there, an old guy jogging through and a couple of teenage boys on bikes. I thought it would be a nice place to exercise but Mindi thought the "doom and gloom" wouldn't be where she would want to exercise. I felt a real peaceful feeling and I think it would be a nice place to walk. After a few more errands we came home and now the boys are playing and waiting for the kids to get home from school. Spencer and Annie have been in South Carolina since Thurs. but will be home tonight. I got a sweet message from one of Candi's friends from high school. She is a darling girl who was part of our family when my kids were growing up. I guess she reads my blog and feels like I'm "way to hard on myself." I probably shouldn't write all my feelings down because it makes me sound more depressed and desperate than I really am. Life is just really hard for me right now. I'm going through some stuff that has been brewing for many many years and then with the passing of Kamber and the economy tanking it's hard for me to cope with. I know the sun will come up tomorrow and besides that Valentines Day is my favorite holiday next to Mother's Day! Ha Ha

Kamber's Sixth Birthday

Today is a special day for us, it's the day our sweet angel Kamber was born. She would turn six and it would be so fun to see how she likes school and how big she has grown. If she were still here we would be getting together as a family celebrating with pizza, cake and ice cream. When the Larsen's get together it's either a party or a brawl, we never know which one will happen. I remember when she turned one, she was so sick. She could have cared less if we were there or not. We were opening presents and Ethan was getting frustrated that it was taking so long. He wanted it to go faster and something was said and then it turned into a "let's pick on Mom" event. I had become so hurt I got up grabbed my purse and headed for the car. I didn't speak to a few of my family members for a couple of months. That's the way we roll sometimes when we all get together, it's probably a good thing we don't drink alcohol, that would be scary. This morning as I was at the dentist, which I hate, I was talking to Candi on the phone. She asked me if I was okay or if I was sad. I thought I was okay but then a wave of sadness came over my body, I got super hot, dizzy and felt a panic attack coming on. Damn I hate panic. Anyway, I made it through the dentist, we even took a quick loop around Joann's looking for something special to put on Kamber's grave. We left empty handed, there wasn't anything good enough for that special little girl who will forever be 2 1/2. It's been almost four years since she left us, it seems like our lives changed forever that day. I know I will never be the same, I wish I could say I've become a better person, a kinder more Christlike person. That hasn't happened yet and I'm afraid it never will. One thing I do know is that I can't wait to see her again, give her a huge hug and tell her how much I've missed her.

"Bitter or Better?"

Life continues to let me know just how little control I have. I would like to think that at this age I would finally be able to figure things out, but it seems like I will die confused and discouraged. I have seen the "law of the harvest" or "karma" played out in my life and those around me. It's hard to look back and wonder what would have happened if other choices would have been made. We have a culture where we are told to do certain things, get married, have children, be active in church, serve, and many other things. Lately I have felt "burned out." I'm tired of "Groundhog Day" and need a change. Maybe just a change of scenery or an attitude adjustment. After Kamber passed away I felt like I needed to "up my game" and do everything I could to be worthy to see her again. I think sometimes I've given up hope that I will ever be good enough to be in her presence. We were warned that losing a child would change our family, that I could either become "bitter or better," the jury is still out on that one. I know after raising four children and being the grandmother to sixteen little darlings that I can't control anything. We fought in heaven for the right to have agency over ourselves and I forget sometimes that the only thing I can do is try and better myself. I've been trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I lost about 18 pounds pretty easy but now am stuck. It's hard to make the right food choices when there is always going to be a birthday, a wedding and even the Super Bowl. Losing weight is really the only thing I can do to see if my hip will ever be right, if not I will have to do surgery again, something that I dread. It was brought to my attention recently that I have turned into an 90 year old person. Huh! That's pretty bad when I haven't even turned sixty yet. Anyway, it seems like my life goes in cycles, I'm either going up or down, so hopefully things will turn around and I can start moving closer to Heaven.

Quilting, Shopping and Volleyball

This has been another one of those weeks that go by so fast I have a hard time remembering what I did. Spencer, Annie and the kids got here from Colorado so we've had fun spending time with them. I spent two days getting stuff ready to help the Beehives in our ward learn how to make a quilt. They did an okay job and the quilts turned out pretty cute. Annie's birthday was on Thurs. so they invited me to go out to Nordstroms with them to shop. I have never gone in that store because it seems like the prices were more than I would ever be willing to pay. It was a lot of fun spending time with them and they even got me a couple of things. There is a little primary song that says, "Saturday is a special day, it's the day we get ready for Sunday, we clean the house and we shop at the store so we don't have to go until Monday." Well last night I decided I would go with Mindi to watch Tristyn play in a volleyball tournament today in Maryvale, clear on the west side of town. I knew it was going to take us almost an hour to get there, so we needed to leave at 8:00 a.m. When I went to bed last night I couldn't sleep worrying about how I would get everything done around my house, the animals fed and me showered and presentable. By the time I finally got to sleep it was almost midnight. I woke up at 3:45 a.m. and could not for the life of me get back to sleep. I just kept watching the clock until I finally dozed back off at 6:15. Rich was up at 6:45 so today I have felt like I've been run over by a bus. Good thing tomorrow is the Sabbath, the day of rest. Ha! Besides being Fast Sunday it's also Super Bowl Sunday. Candi sent me an article about a hospice chaplain in Massachusetts. She writes about what patients talk about when they are sick and dying. She was asked "What exactly do you do as a chaplain?" "Well I talk to people about their families: about their mothers and fathers, their sons and daughters. They talk about the love they felt, and what love is, and what it is not. And sometimes, when they are actively dying, fluid gurgling in their throats, they reach their hands out to things I cannot see and they call out to their parents: Mama, Daddy, Mother." She then goes on to explain that "family is where we first experience love and where we first give it. It's probably the first place we've been hurt by someone we love, and hopefully the place we learn that love can overcome even the most painful rejection." The final paragraph of this little article was so profound to me. She talks about how the spiritual work of being human is learning how to love and how to forgive. "We don't have to use words of theology to talk about God; people who are close to death almost never do. We should learn from those who are dying that the best way to teach our children about God is by loving each other wholly and forgiving each other fully - just as each of us longs to be loved and forgiven by our mothers and fathers, sons and daughters." I know I have made many mistakes in raising my children. I have not fostered the love and respect I should have and need to be forgiven. If there is one regret I have the most it is that I didn't teach about the Atonement enough. That sacrifice that was made on our behalf is what we need to live with our Heavenly Father again.

How Can It Already Be A Year?

Today is the one year anniversary since Rich's Mom Beth passed away. Time seems to be speeding by as it seems just like yesterday we were on our way to Utah for her funeral. Last week I was in the car while Mindi ran into the store to get something to take to the hospital for my niece Mary. I am the designated car babysitter so she doesn't have to take the kids in. Trulie was asleep and Troy had strep throat so we were just watching people go in and out. Troy said, "I just saw an old grandpa come out." I then said, "well I'm an old grandma." Troy answered back, "well you have an old grandpa too." I thought he was talking about my 83 year old Dad who is his great grandfather, when he said, "Grandpa Rich is your old grandpa." Aren't kids just "darling?" I have been under a huge amount of stress lately. Just trying to cope with chronic pain and worry about what to do, plus trying to change the way I eat has taken a huge toll on me. I usually use chocolate and sweets to cope with my problems but when you take those away I'm on my own. Some things have happened lately and things said that have broken my heart. It has made me doubt my self worth and my abilities as a wife and mother. As I came in from feeding the animals, I sat in the chair in my bedroom and had this wave of sadness come over me. As I began to cry I had this overwhelming feeling that Kamber is so sad right now. I have often wondered what it would be like to talk to someone on the other side. I have even prayed to have an experience with my Grandma or Aunt that I loved very much. Those prayers have never been answered but sometimes I feel them around me. I know I am powerless over those around me, Heck, I have a hard time controlling my own emotions and mouth, let alone anyone else. Life is short and as I get closer to sixty it's even shorter, hopefully I can do better so I can see those waiting for me on the other side and they won't be disappointed in the person I was.

Kaitlyn is Born, Dad Turns 83 WOW!

On Thursday my niece Mary delivered her baby girl Kaitlyn. On Friday my sister picked me up and we met our parents at the hospital to see this darling little bundle of joy. As we left both of us were glad to be way beyond birthing babies age. When we were visiting I asked my parents how many great grandchildren this makes. When they said "40" I was shocked. How can that be? As we drove home I was wondering if I would ever make it to see my "greats" born. Tristyn is almost fourteen so we still have a few years. Today is my Dads 83 birthday. They have lived in the same house for almost sixty years. In the past we have given him lots of golf related items, golf ball, shirts, golf club covers, anything that he could use when he golfs. Now that he has two artificial hips and it's getting harder and harder to get around on the course, he doesn't need anymore golf stuff. So this year for his birthday we got him something really special. I came up with the idea and ran it past my sister and when she told my brother Ben, all he said was "that's an unusual gift, but count me in." So yesterday Rich went to their home and installed a new handicapped toilet in their bathroom. They are so happy, they have called twice to thank us. Now that most of the grand kids are married and successful we took up a collection to help with the cost and it was nice to see who donated. Tonight we are having everyone over to celebrate Dads big day, hopefully I will survive.

"The Law of the Harvest"

Yesterday was an upsetting day for me. I was gone all day running errands. First I went with Candi to a couple of places and then to the doctor to get her foot looked at. She had an infected toe that was killing her and after going to Urgent Care on Sunday and still no better, she decided to see her foot surgeon. They worked her in and had to do surgery to get the toenail out that was causing the problem. I hope she is doing better today because as a hairdresser she stands on her feet all day long. After being home about 45 minutes I left with Mindi to drop Tristyn off at volleyball practice at ASU and then we went to visit my Dad in Scottsdale while my Mom works in the temple. Mindi and I love to visit with him and are thankful as his 83rd birthday approaches on Sunday he is still with us. During the day I had learned of an unpleasant incident that happened earlier in the day. I was trying really hard to not let it get to me, but as I got more and more information I realized what a poor job of parenting I did. I think when we get married we have good intentions of being the best wife and mother but in reality that is impossible at least it was for me. As I woke up at 4:30 a.m. this morning still feeling like I was going down to the depths of hell I remembered a story from a book I read when I first got sick 26 years ago. I was struggling with some scary health problems when I realized that most of my sickness was caused by my inability to forgive. The Greer's are notorious "grudge holders" maybe not all the Greer's, but this one for sure. In this book it talks about how the principle of forgiveness works. "When any serious grievance takes place, the Lord requires us to forgive the guilty party the moment the infraction occurs, if possible." Then he goes on to talk about an experiment they did at a rattlesnake farm near Salem, Oregon. One of the caretakers took one of his large rattlesnakes and put a forked stick behind its head so it could not coil to strike. Then he began to tantalize it with small chicks and other food. The snake kept trying to coil unsuccessfully, and venom dripped quite freely from its fangs. Within minutes the snake stiffened and died. "The caretaker then commented that a rattlesnake can stand just about anything except its own venom. When it cannot discharge the venom as fast as it is produced, it dies of its own accumulated poison. When you have any resentment, hurt, bitterness, or hatred in your heart, regardless of the cause, if you do not get rid of it at once through the spirit of forgiveness, the hatred will continue to fester and grow and increase, since that is the basic Law of the Harvest." As I talked to my Dad about my failure as a wife and mother all he said was, "I wouldn't take all the blame." Thanks Dad, maybe I'll just blame you and Mom.

"I Will Take My Own Problems"

After getting my work done this morning Mindi and I decided to run some errands. As we got in the car the gages told us we had two miles before we would run out of gas. We made it to the gas station filled up and off we went to Hobby Lobby. Mindi was taking ribbon back and I was buying some material to finish a quilt. We took a tour of the store, Mindi has to look at everything on sale and at a bargain price. We finally made it to the fabric dept. and got my piece of material cut. We headed for the front and after the girl rang me up I realized I had left my purse back at the cutting table. Mindi had to pay for my stuff and hers and then we went back and rescued my purse. Am I losing it or what? A few years ago I left my purse sitting next to a chair at the fitting room in Dillard's. Old age is definitely setting in. After we went and got lunch we headed over to the grocery store. I only needed a few things to get through the weekend and I hate going to the store on Sat. As we were walking in I told the nice guy at the door, "well we made it through another week." He said, "yeah, I can't believe I've made it through another week already." I then asked him why he wouldn't think he could make it. He began to tell me how he has diabetes and neuropathy in his feet, every step he takes is like walking on nails. He also has had two heart attacks and prostate cancer. I see this guy every time I go to the store and he is always so friendly and nice. I would never have known he had so many health problems. I then told him about my hip fiasco, $25,000 for an operation that doesn't seem to have solved the problem. I didn't want to go into all my other issues like anxiety disorder, obesity and just plain old worn out. He said, "I just try and not let anyone know I'm suffering." Unlike me, who wants to make sure everyone knows when I'm out of sorts. As we got our groceries and were paying for them the little girl who bags them is severely handicapped. I see her walking with two metal crutches and she doesn't talk very well either. I have visited with her before and I think she was born very premature and has had a rough go of it. As I left the store I realized that everyone has problems. Life is HARD, and it was meant to be that way so we can grow and learn from our trials. As I told my nice friend at the store, "I will take my own problems, they were meant for me to work out."

It's MLK Day and Trace's Eleventh Birthday

The Birthday Boy

Tristyn's Team Playing at ASU

I hate these holidays that aren't really celebrated by us, it's just another day for the kids to be out of school. I guess maybe if I went to downtown Phoenix and marched in the MLK parade it would feel more like a holiday. Rich and the guys are all working to get jobs done this week, so it's just another day in paradise for us. I spent all day Sat. watching Trent play basketball and Tristyn play in a volleyball tournament. This is a three day event that Mindi and Candi played in when they were her age. As I sat listening to all the girls scream and yell and the parents clapping and cheering their daughters on, I had a reflective moment. My grand kids are getting older and soon will be gone to college and on missions, then they could get married. YEAK! I see so much potential in each of them and hope they can keep on the right path so each of them can reach their potential. Today is Trace's birthday he is eleven now. He is such a sweet boy and is watching his brothers this morning while Mindi is with Tristyn at her tournament. How thankful I am to have these little kids to watch them grow and mature and feel of their goodness. With Rich's schedule with work and his church responsibilities I would be alone 95 percent of the time. I have heard girls comment that they could never live with their mothers or women say they couldn't live with their grandchildren, but this works for us. Sometimes its hard not to beat myself up for all the things I can't do, but I'm thankful for the things I can accomplish. If anything I hope to be a good example to my family especially these special kids I can share my life with. Hopefully we can make this a special day for Trace.

"The Power of Adversity"

A couple of months ago I lost my favorite reading glasses. I was sure the last place I saw them was my bedroom, so yesterday I decided to go on a "search and rescue" to find them. I even dusted off our night stands and looked in drawers, under the bed and all over my make up table. I didn't find my glasses but I found a little book that was given to us called "The POWER of Adversity, Reflections To Empower Your Life." I opened up the book and the introduction said, "There is not a single condition of life that is entirely unnecessary." There is not one hour's experience but what is beneficial to all those who make it their study, and aim to improve upon the experience they gain." Brigham Young Then it went on to say that "the Lord allows us to suffer that we may come unto Him. He tailors our trials for our good. His personal plan for us was created to ensure our optimal happiness and peace." What! He lets us suffer so we can have happiness and peace. I have to admit that after suffering the unbearable grief of having a grand child drown and then going through trial after trial with my health, I wonder sometimes when the happiness and peace comes. I was told the other day by someone close to me that they think I've given up, that I don't want to live anymore. Some days it would be easier to pull the sheets up over my head and hope to not take another breath, but there is a part of me that needs to keep fighting and hopefully overcome some of my faults and lack of hope and faith. All I know is that I don't like to suffer but will do the Lord's will for me. The last page of this little book had a quote by James E. Faust which said, "In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner's fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong." I'm hoping for that in my life.

Don't Know What's Coming Next

Yesterday was a busy day for us. Well, everyday seems to bring something different. Mindi had to drive Tristyn to volleyball practice so we decided to go by and see my Dad after dropping her off at ASU. We had a nice visit, I even talked to their 85 year old neighbor who I hadn't seen in ages. He's taking care of his wife with Dementia and his granddaughter with some sort of Palsy. I feel blessed every time I leave my parents home that they are still doing as well as they are, still living in their own home and my Mom is still driving to the Temple two days a week to work there. When we got back to the campus to pick Tristyn up from practice I waited in the car with the two younger kids while Mindi went in. As I sat watching all the students come and go it reminded me of when I was a student there. I remember parking and walking miles to my classes but these students had bikes and skateboards. I couldn't believe all the girls riding bikes. Back in the 70's when I was a co ed I did ride my bike a lot when I transferred to BYU. There was No Way my parents could afford a car for me, hence the bike riding all over campus and even to the grocery store. I remember buying too much food and then trying to find a way to get it home in bags and my backpack while pedaling around Provo. Then before I got married I moved back home and graduated from ASU. When it came time for Mindi to go to college she got a scholarship to play volleyball at ASU, but Spencer was given a football scholarship at the U of A, so even though most of us are Devils we cheer for the Wildcats now. Spencer is in the last year of his contract with the Broncos so there is a good possibility he will be on another team next year. What will I do with all those orange Denver shirts? I guess they will go the same place all those maroon and gold shirts did, to Goodwill. We never know what is around the next corner but hope we're up for the challenge.

Broncos In The Play Offs Minus Spencer

I was telling Rich the other day that between trying to diet, still having hip pain, and dealing with this stinking economy, I'm ready to throw in the towel. He is Mister Optimistic and I'm Debbie Downer, how do two people who are so different get together? That's a whole different story. Yesterday we went to church, ate dinner and then watched the Steelers vs. Broncos game. Spencer got hit in the knee last week and injured one of the ligaments in his surgically repaired knee. We felt thankful that the injury wasn't worse and knew our prayers had been answered, but knew he wouldn't be playing. The curse lives on, he has never been on a team that went to a bowl game or play offs since his sophomore year of high school. His team is playing in the play offs, minus him. Last week Mindi got a call from an old friend telling her about his aunt. She has terminal cancer but before she passes away wanted to go to a Broncos game. He wanted to know if Spencer could pull some strings and do something special for her. I guess her family got tickets for her and her husband to fly to Denver from Nebraska where they met up with some other friends and went to the game. After the game Spencer got tickets for them to go on the field to have some pictures taken. Then she got to go in the tunnel where she met up with Spencer and and he gave her a ball signed by all the players. Right now I think life is hard for me but when I hear of others trials I'm thankful for my own. We never know what we will have to deal with, work through, or put up with, I'm just thankful I have survived some of my adversities. I'm trying to keep my head out of the toilet and know that all these trials we have are for our good, they help us develop qualities we need to return home where we came from.

"Exercise My Faith?"

I woke up this morning feeling the same way I did 25 years ago when I was sent down to hell. I come from a long line of worriers so sometimes it gets the best of me. Last night as Rich and I were talking about some struggles, he reminded me that I "don't exercise my faith enough." What does that even mean? What is faith and why don't I have any? When I was a young mother with four small children we had some major setbacks. Rich quit a good job to start his own business, the stock market tanked and there wasn't any work. I then suffered a miscarriage, gall bladder, ear and knee surgery all within a couple of months. After that I started having severe bouts of anxiety, depression, dizziness and some strange symptoms that still keep me close to home. I've been trying to write my feelings down because that is suppose to bring all the thoughts out of my brain and on paper. As I was writing this morning I got sadder and sadder, as the tears started I felt some relief, so I went in to start my work. I had a thought come into my mind, "I sure wish I could talk to my Grandma Fern, Aunt Tenna, or even Kamber," all who have passed away. Maybe they could give me some encouragement and tell me that every experience I have on earth will be worth it when I go to the other side. Every pain in my hip will be worth it if my suffering helps me come closer to the Savior. When I went with Candi on Tues. we ran into a cousin of B.J.s whose sister was murdered last August. As she talked about her feelings of losing her sister and best friend I felt so bad for her. Their family is going through a very hard time right now. Life is hard, I know I can do hard things because I'm still here. Yesterday was my Aunt Tenna's birthday. She would have been 84 had she survived her heart surgery. She was an inspiration to me and I wish I could be half the person she was. We are all asked to do things that are hard, I'm hoping this new year will be better, but if it isn't hopefully I can endure what is asked of me and work on that "mustard seed of faith" I have.

Dieting Through the Holidays?

It's been a while since I've written, mostly because there is so much to do around here with putting Christmas away and cleaning for the New Year. Dave put a new Wi Fi thingy on our computer, so for a couple of days the Internet wasn't working. I was hoping to bring a new and improved attitude into 2012 but within a couple of days I was back where I ended. Wow, it is so hard to change personality traits and that makes life complicated for me sometimes. My sister, Mindi and I all started a diet around Thanksgiving, I know horrible timing. Anyway, it's been really hard but we are all having some success. After trying all of the other diets, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, even almost having lap band surgery, we found a Naturpathic doctor that is having success with us fatties in helping fight the battle of the bulge. Combined last week the three of us lost over ten pounds, which she was so happy with because it was during Christmas. I know everyone has something in their life they use to help fight stress, depression, anxiety and all the things living this earthly life gives us. I am aware that some use drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, and anything else to take away the pain. It seems in my family a lot of us use food to medicate ourselves. We even live in a culture that seems to celebrate everything with food, especially "treats." I think a lot of us are addicted to sugar which is my "drug of choice." I was talking to Candi yesterday as I went with her running errands and she said she eats when shes bored. That's why she loves to work because she can control her appetite on the days she works. She said if she was a "stay at home mom" like I was, she would be large. I have noticed that as I try and control my calories, it has made me more emotional and irritable. I was told by a friend that when you try and lose weight, or body mass, it does bring up the emotions that have caused you to put on the weight in the first place. I know for our family times are tough. The economy hurts small businesses like ours and especially when you have people who won't pay you for the work you do for them. Rich's sister in Utah and her husband have a tile business and they don't have any work right now. At least Rich and Dave are working everyday. As Candi and I were driving home yesterday through a run down part of Mesa she made the comment that things could be so much worse for us. I know I don't deserve most of what I've been given, great parents and a wonderful supportive family, now if the pounds could just keep coming off it will be worth it.

Post Christmas Blues

I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning and got to work. My house has looked like a bomb went off with all the Christmas crap around and dishes, laundry and everything else to do. I got my mantle cleared off, the Christmas tree ornaments all taken off and almost everything back where it belongs. The only thing I have left to do is put all the boxes up in my closet. I'm hoping someone can help me do that tonight. How fast the "Christmas Season" ends around here. It seems like we have a day to enjoy the holiday, feel the spirit and then it's back to the same old routine. I'm getting weary of it. Next year I think I'll find a little ceramic tree and put it on a table, I'm done doing this all by myself year after year. I've been thinking a lot about moving in to the new year. How can I make some changes that will help me have a more healthy, happy lifestyle. I thought maybe starting a "gratitude journal," to help remind me of my blessings, but I'm not really in the mood for that. Am I the only one who thinks life is just too hard right now? Is everyone in denial? Maybe it's just my bad attitude, but I swear next year is going to be different for me, I'm tired of the same old thing. We had a very simple Christmas, it was hard fitting church in on Christmas Day but the music and message was good. We had our kids and grand kids come over and open presents and then all the extended family came for dinner. That is the only way we can do it so my parents can see all the grand and great grand kids. It was sad this year because my one brother is serving a mission and the other has just gone through a divorce. That leaves most of the work for my sister and me and our kids. Hopefully things will get better, the sun has to come up again tomorrow, and hopefully Christmas will be behind me.

Merry Christmas To All

Candi and Max

Four oldest grand kids

Me loving Max

You know you're an old fart when on Christmas Eve you soak in the tub and watch The Sound of Music on t.v. My sister and I were venting last night about how hard it is to fit everything in. It seems like the older I get the less I get accomplished and that's frustrating. Today was a different day and it didn't seem like Christmas Eve. Spencer played in Buffalo against the Bills and they did terrible. There is only one game left and if they don't win, their season is over, NO play offs. As I sat watching the game I became more and more anxious. I probably shouldn't watch the games because it puts me in such a bad mood when they play so bad, four interceptions, really? So after the game Mindi and I did some retail therapy trying to finish up our shopping and looking for bargains. I came home wrapped presents for my grand kids and told Rich I was going to bed. He said, "it's only 8 o'clock are you really going to bed?" Yes, I'm tired and tomorrow is going to be another crazy day with church and then the whole family coming for dinner. Is this the way life is going to be moving towards 60? I guess so. I've been kind of down in the dumps lately. It seems like the stress of the holidays brings out some sad emotions deep down inside of me. Last night at our family party I looked around at all of the eighty people that were there. I have so much to be thankful for. I have the best parents, spouse, kids, grand kids, siblings and friends. I have a testimony that our Savior lives and he loves me and watches over us. I still don't understand why Kamber had to go home, but know I will see her again someday. I think I'm finally getting the real meaning of Christmas. It's the gratitude we have for the birth of our Savior and the love we have for all his creations. I hope all those I love have a wonderful peaceful Christmas tomorrow and feel his spirit.

"The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"

I spent this morning doing some much needed housework, I know how busy the next few days will be, with our extended family party tomorrow and then Christmas Eve and Christmas. After I was finished Mindi and I did some last minute shopping, it felt good to be out of the house. We then met up with Candi, B.J. and their boys at the cemetery to put a little something on Kamber's grave. Families shouldn't have to decorate children's graves, especially at Christmas, this was our third year. As we pulled up I noticed two teenage girls putting red garland around a tree close by. There was an older man with buckets and gallon water containers cleaning the grave of his sweetheart. After we were finished I walked over to him and told him how nice he kept his wife's grave. She passed away about 18 months ago. As I looked in his eyes I could see the sadness and loneliness, what a loving husband. As we were walking around B.J. and I started talking about how we came to purchase some plots at the cemetery. He wanted to go see where our "final resting place" will be. As we looked at some of the headstones there were many whose spouses have died way before them. I'm glad I have the knowledge that we will see our loved ones again. That gives me peace. I have felt overwhelmed and disillusioned about my life right now. Life is hard, and the older I get the harder it seems to get. I hope some day I will get to the point that my faith will be able to pull me through the hard times, but right now I'm just hoping for some peace during "the most wonderful time of the year."

Birthday Change of Plans

This morning I woke up at 5:30 a.m. with the water running in the shower. Dang how I hate being married to an early bird. I tried to get back to sleep but after about an hour I decided to just get up and start working. By 8:00 I had my sheets washed, the dishwasher loaded, the dogs and fish fed, breakfast and lunch made for Rich and my caramel popcorn cooking on the stove. Today and every day this week are going to be busy but today was going to be a special day. We were going out to lunch to celebrate the birthday of a good friend of mine. I have known Paula for over twenty years as she lived in Lehi when we were both down there. She has four boys just about the same ages as my children and was a second Mom to Spencer because he was best friends with her youngest Blake. Anyway, after a divorce and the accidental death of her oldest son, she remarried a guy in my ward and so we were reunited again. She has been a very good friend to me. When I had my hip surgery she slept at the hospital on a mat on the floor so I wasn't alone for the two nights I was recovering. She came over a lot this summer trying to encourage me to exercise in the pool. We have had some very special conversations and cried together after the death of her son Rhett and my grand daughter Kamber. I hope I can return just a little bit of service to her. Unfortunately I just got a call that she is sick and won't be able to go to lunch, but I know we can go when she feels better. Now that our plans have changed I need to decide what is most important to get done today, I don't even know where to start.

We Will Never Give Up

Here it is a week before Christmas, how can that be? I've been busy trying to get my shopping finished and stay "out of the toilet." It's hard around the Holidays to keep everything in perspective, what Christmas is really all about. I went out the other night to feed my animals and one of my special rabbits was missing out of the cage. I asked Mindi if she had seen her in the morning and she had. So I went in the cage thinking maybe she was just hiding, when I saw a hole leading out of the cage to the backyard. Because of the rain the dirt was really soft so it was easy for her to dig her way out. Mindi and I searched the yard until we found her dead under the grape vines. Couldn't she see the five big dogs waiting to chase her? It put me in such a bad mood I could hardly function yesterday. Ethan came by and said, "I hear you are down in the dumps, come with me and I'll buy you lunch and you can spend some time holding the baby." So off I went to spend a few hours with the grand kids in Queen Creek. Last night as I was getting ready for bed I asked Rich, "at what point do you just give up, throw in towel, or just crawl in a hole?" My ever optimistic husband said, "Never! we never give up, we endure to the end." Okay, I think sometimes that I am at the end, I'm tired of my life as I know it. Yesterday I was talking to my Mom, she always tries to cheer me up. She lived through the depression when life was really hard. Her Dad was sick and my grandmother had to provide for the family. She understands what hard times are and she always tells me "things are going to work out, get better and don't get discouraged." With all of this positive energy around me how did I turn out to be such a Debbie Downer? I guess I need to keep working on that gratitude journal, then maybe things will get better, and work out for the best.

I Need to Build an Ark, We Are Flooding

It has rained now for two days straight, my yard looks like a swamp and my animals are swimming. How do people live in places where it rains constantly? This morning the sun was shining for about an hour. We thought it was clearing up so off we went to the Mall. I'm trying to get all the Christmas bought for my grand kids, the adults aren't getting anything this year unless Rich wants to shop for them. I heard on the news this morning that women do most of the shopping for Christmas, Really? I know if it isn't at Home Depot or Loew's, Rich doesn't think we need it. I remember when my kids were young I would kill myself shopping, sometimes late when the stores were open until midnight. I would then spend all Christmas Eve wrapping because if I put presents out any earlier the kids wouldn't leave them alone. Then on Christmas morning Rich would say something like,"Wow you bought way too much this year." Then the blood would start shooting out of my eyes after I spent hours and hours trying to make Christmas nice. I guess he just thought everything should be free or that Santa Clause would bring it. Men just don't get the shopping thing, Rich would be naked and starve if he did the shopping. So I guess it's a good thing I bust my butt every year so we can have some sort of Christmas. We have all felt so overwhelmed lately with all that we have to do. Rich and Dave are working 10-12 hours a day and we still are hardly making it. Mindi and I work all day trying to keep up with laundry, dishes, cleaning and not to mention five kids to take care of. Maybe we should put the house up for sale and move into an apartment where they do all the lawns, or a hotel where we can have maid service. That sounds great, but what will I do with all the stuff I have and the critters? I guess I need to just be happy with what I've got right now and be thankful I'm not in a sleeping bag in the park in the rain.