The New Year!

Well, the Broncos season is offically over. That painful game last night was the end of a promising football season in Denver. We talked to Spencer last night and he is understandably dissappointed, but thankful to have gotten the opportunity to play and leave without a major injury. I know that our family has been praying for him every day since he left for Colorado that he would be safe when he played and be able to help his team. We are looking forward to them coming home and spending a few months in Arizona. We haven't seen them since Oct. so we are excited to see them again. We are looking forward to 2009. We need to set some goals and work toward some changes in our lives this year. We change church times, 12:30o maybe we can make it on time a few more times than last year. Mindi and I are still teaching Primary and this year we have the 10-11 year-old girls which includes Tristyn. That should be fun! We wish you all a Happy New Year!

Wonderful Christmas!

I have to tell you I was really dreading this Christmas. I didn't know how we would be able to celebrate after the tragic loss we suffered on July 25, but you know we did. I was so impressed with my family, especially my children. As mothers we try to teach our children to be good people. We try to help them gain testimonies of the Savior to help them throughout their lives. At times I was not a good example of either of these goals, but some how through all the disfuction I think they got it. I am so impressed with Mindi and Candi in their hours of service and kindness to others. Ethan and Spencer are such hard workers and try to provide a nice home for their families. I love Dave, B.J., Jenn, and Annie as if they were my own children; and the twelve grandchildren are just frosting on this huge cake we have. Rich and I are so blessed to have the children we have. I know all parents think they have the best kids, but I wouldn't trade any of our kids, spouses or grandkids for anything in this world. We had a memorable Christmas; gifts were given that meant so much to us that received them. There was a special spirit with us this Christmas that can only come by going through a terrible adversity. Most of us went to the cemetary to spend some time remembering sweet Kamber. I have never been to a cemetary on Christmas Day before. It was a spiritual experience and I couldn't believe the people that were there and the darling decorations that were put on the graves of loved ones who have passed on. It was a great ending to a wonderful Christmas!

Christmas Craziness

Is anyone else out there feeling the craziness of this holiday season? I must feel like this every year but something is different this year. Is it that I'm getting old, getting senile or just plain losing my mind? These last few months have been a definite whirlwind of emotion. I go between sad and sadder at a minutes notice. I have tried to make sense out of the devastating loss of Kamber, but it still doesn't make sense to me. I usually wake up every morning thinking about how sad it is that she is gone; but last week I actually woke up one morning with the most unbelievable feeling of joy. I was so happy for her. I felt her spirit and she was so happy. It made me so envious of her. Her journey was over on this earth and I could feel the joy. I know others in our family have had special dreams where they have seen her and she has talked with them, but I haven't been lucky enough to have experienced that yet, I'm still hoping for a visit.
I read an article in a health magazine this week that I think was written just for me. It was on the" Healing and Liberating Power of Acceptance." The author talks about how we all will have events in our life that will challenge our emotional health. We need to recognize that there are peole, problems and things that are uncontrollable and out of our power to change. This is where acceptance comes in. She says that accepting what "IS" and deciding to change your feelings about it creates an atmosphere to help heal your pain. I hope at some point in my life to be able to accapt what has happened, but I'm not even close yet. "Accepting does not necessarily mean "liking," "enjoying," or "condoning.' I can accept what is- and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck. " -Nathanieal Branden

A Child's Prayer

Almost every morning I wake up with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. I usually try to get up and make my bed and start working around the house to distract my sadness. This morning I woke up to the words to the Primary song running through my mind. The words, "Heavenly Father, are you really there? And do you hear and answer every child's prayer? Some say that heaven is far away, But I feel it close around me as I pray." Mindi and I teach the 10-11 year old girls in Primary. Can I just tell you it is the best job. These girls are special. They are smarter than Mindi and I put together and their knowledge of the gospel is unbelievable. Just being around them makes us better. I have always loved hearing children sing the songs but since Kambers' passing I have even felt stonger about the testimony borne by singing these songs. At 55 years old I am still wondering, Heavenly Father, are you really there? At times I am sure he is aware of the suffering of people in my family and those others around me, but there are those times that I wonder if all of this is really true. Are we really going to be together on the other side? Will we see Kamber again? What about Tenna and Grandma Fern? I know this is all part of the grieving process, but it really sucks! You never really know about your testimony until you go through the depths of hell.

Bear Down Arizona!

Can I just tell you how excited we are that U of A beat the Scum Devils. We have waited four years for this to happen but it was worth the wait. Spencer never got a win against them or went to a bowl game, but I'm sure he is ecstatic. Even though I am an ASU alumni, both parents, all my siblings, and most of our nieces and nephews have graduated from the maroon and gold, the Larsens are Wildcats fans forever. ASU passed up a chance to give Spencer a scholarship, but the U of A took a chance on the Gilbert boy and we are so thankful they did. He left there with a college degree and a chance to play pro football in Denver. We are so blessed that he had good coaches and staff who saw the potential in him. I wish you could hear us sing the fight song.

Bear Down Arizona
Bear Down Red and Blue
Bear Down Arizona
Hit 'em hard.
Let 'em know who's who
Bear Down Arizona
Bear Down Red and Blue
Go! Go! Wildcats go!
Arizona Bear Down

Congratulations to Coach Stoops and Good Luck against the Cougars of BYU.

Naughty or Nice?

Last Sunday in Primary the President stood and told the children that Santa is watching them all the time and he knows if they are "naughty or nice." It kind of struck a cord with me because recently I was told that I'm not a nice person. I know I'm not the eternal optimist who always sees the good in every situation; or am so sweet that honey drips from my mouth when I talk, but all in all I try to be a nice person. This really hurt my feelings and for a few days I felt really angry by this comment. I have looked back on my life and tried to think of things that would have made this person think I have "a mean side to me." Anyway, after lots of soul searching, I realize that there are times that I hold a grudge, withhold forgiveness, and use the "silent treatment" to punish those around me. I also have noticed that all these character flaws have gotten worse since Kamber's passing. I also like to blame it on having the "second child syndrome," which is a problem when you are born to parents with a perfect oldest child and the "golden child" after you. Anyways, I'm all about blaming my parents and my childhood, but I guess at 55 I need to start taking responsibility for my behavior. I'm still plugging through the Conference Talks and this morning as I read Elder Corbridge, he says "Life is hard, but life is simple. Get on the path and never, ever give up. You never give up. You just keep on going. You don't quit, and you will make it." At times I do want to give up, dig a hole and crawl in it, but I guess I need to just keep on trying to work on being a nicer person.

Thanksgiving

What a wonderful day we had. It started out watching Jen, Candi, Mindi, Tristyn, and many other friends running the Turkey Trot. It seemed weird to actually be out and about on Thanksgiving morning. We usually have everyone over for Thanksgiving dinner, so I'm always really stressed out. This year was the year of the in-laws so all of the other children and my siblings were with their spouses families. We had a really small gathering. We had my Mom and Dad, my mother's only brother Uncle Carl and his wife Sue, and Mindi and Dave and their 4 kids. We missed them all, but we knew they were having a good time with the other family. Spencer called in the evening and they had a few of the rookie players and their wives over for dinner. We have had a hard last couple of months but hopefully we are going to be able to "Press Forward In Faith." It is starting to sink in that Kamber will not be with us physically, but I think that as a family we can always feel her spirit around cheering us on. We are on to our next holiday, Christmas. It will be here before we know it, and then on to 2009.

Gratitude for Adversity?

Yesterday, Rich was asked to speak in church on "gratitude for adversity." I think he did a great job and I hope it touched others like it touched me. Even though he gave a good talk and what he said was encouraging, I found myself having the same emotion, disbelief, anger, sadness and pain as I did the week of July25-August 1st and since. As we sat in the kitchen and talked about it and cried, I realized that this is an experience that is going to take years and maybe a lifetime to come to grips with. This isn't going away, it may get a little bit easier, but it will never go away. This is the first Thangsgiving without Kamber. Then comes Christmas, Valentines Day and so forth.... I have been trying to read the Conference talks everyday. The one I was reading this morning was by Elder Wirthlin; at the end of his he says "I know why there must be opposition in all things. Adversity, if handled correctly, can be a blessing in our lives. We can learn to love it." I hope some day I will learn to love it, but right now I can't.

Opposition

I have just had a couple of thoughts this week. WE have been so excited for Spencer during the week. He has had numerous interviews and newspaper articles written about him. We have enjoyed reading them and have felt the support of family and friends. Anyway, yesterday it came out that he was fined $5,000 for a leg whip, ( what the he-- is that?) At first I was angry because he wasn't penalized for the play, but then I realized that there isn't anything I can do about it so that is that. As a mother we try to take on our children's problems. We try to take away their pain, their dissapointments, their trials. I know when I was in labor with Candi, my Mom came to the hospital and came in the room when I was in severe pain. She was begging the nurses to help me. I finally had to tell them to get her out because it was upsetting me that she was seeing me in pain. I have a good friend that I talk to every month. I was telling him about my problems with my children and he said, "Teri, you have to let your children walk their own pathway. Whatever that may be, this is their life and they have their agency to do what they want." So here I am trying to stay out as much as possible and be a support when I can. All I can say about life is, "It is what it is, and it is painful."

What a Weekend!!

What an exciting weekend we had. Spencer had a great game against Atlanta and we are so happy for him. He started on both sides of the ball, which hasn't ever been done in Denver and only four times in the history of the NFL. He told me when he was a little boy he wanted to play in the NFL but I really never thought that would happen. I know we aren't suppose to be proud of our kids, but it is really hard to look at our kids and not feel proud.
We had my Mom and Dad over to watch the game and have dinner and also celebrate Mom's 79th birthday. It's always fun to get together with extended family. After everyone left Rich told me that the Bishop has asked him to speak on gratitude for our adversity. Since he told me about his talk, my mind has been racked with experiences of adversity we have had in our family. I know that while I'm going through a particular trial, I'm not thankful for the trial, but after it has passed, I'm always thankful that I was strong enough to get through it. We came to earth for the experience, and at times I'm sure I didn't say I would do what has been asked of me, but I must have or I wouldn't be here. I read this little book "The Uses of Adversity" by Carlfred Broderick. In it he says "I used to think we were safe from grief and pain here because of our faith. I know now that is not true, but we are safe in his love. We are protected in the most ultimate sense of all---we have a safe home forever."

Pomegranate Harvest

The first week of November is considered pomegranate week. This is where we are obsessed with finding, picking and juicing pomegrates. I don't know how I came to be the keeper of the pomegranates, but I am. Mindi and I start a few weeks early by driving the streets of Gilbert leaving notes at people's houses that have a nice tree full of the fruit. Then we call my good friend Sandy Nichols and make sure that we are going to be able to come pick her two trees. Anyway, after several days of picking we take on the task of juicing them. This is a fun time ( yeah, really fun.) We juice them with a citrus juicer on a Bosch and then my Dad sqeezes all the juice out with a paint strainer. My sister Mell, my sister-in-law Julie and my Mom and Dad were there to help, Mindi had to do most of the heavy lifting because she is the youngest and strongest. My niece Aubry also came down and helped. By the end of the day we are wondering why we do this every year. My Aunt Tenna Heap was the one that got us started so we always think of her during this time. This year while I was going through all the stress of this process I kept thinking about the "Law of the Harvest." This Law simply means that you don't get something for nothing in life. I looked this up in the scriptures in Gal. 6:7 it says, "Be not deceived; God is not mocked; for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." It made me reflect on my life and ask myself,"What am I sowing?" What will I reap?" These last few months as we have had "peaks and valleys" and tried to make sense of why Kamber was taken from us; I have tried to understand adversity better. I know that every person on this earth is here for the same purpose, to gain a body and be tested. I'm trying to be less judgmental and critical of those closest to me. I realize that I have a long way to go. "By their "fruits ye shall know them." (3 Nephi 14:20)

The Light

I know the weather doesn't feel like fall, but we are officially out of October and in to November. I was putting all of my witches and skeletons away this morning and bringing out all the fall leaves, scarecrows and pilgrims. I felt a deep feeling of gratitude. I'm not very good at showing and telling my family of my deep appreciation for all they do for me, but I certainly feel it. I am reading a book called "Closer to the Light." It is about a pediatrician who had some amazing experiences with sick children who had near death experiences. At times the book talks about how scientists try to explain away the things these children see. They think that the brain makes them believe what they saw and that it didn't actually happen the way they remembered it. Sometimes they say they saw Jesus while others say they saw a Grandma or Grandpa who had passed away earlier. Almost all of them say they see a "Light." We believe the "light" to represent the Savior. When Kamber passed away I was in shock. I kept pounding on the wall down my hall and saying, "Why us?" It didn't make any sense to me. Then all of a sudden I got this thought, "Why not us?" We see things in the newspaper and on t.v. all the time about tragic things that happen and you never really think it will happen to your family. When it does, you feel really unprepared to survive what is being asked of you. I hope at some point in our lives we will be able to look back and see how much we grew spiritually and how much stronger we became; but right now it seems to be a pretty high price to pay.

Happy Halloween!

I have never really liked Halloween and as I have gotten older it has been harder and harder to think of some character I could be. Every year when we go to the Halloween parties I think how fun it would be to dress up and promise myself that next year will be different, so here I am two days away from this wonderful event and I am still at a loss of what I can be. So I guess I will just be what I am every year, myself.
Last week was extremely stressful with having our family picture, Spencer and Annie here visiting, parties and then sharing time, so I don't know if it was the stress or just moving through the steps of grieving that have gotten me so emotional.
Anyway, the other morning I woke up in a not very good place,
I was thinking about Kamber and how much I missed her and that this was the first family picture she wouldn't be in, I was wondering if she missed us and much as we miss her. I then started thinking about my maternal grandmother Fern Turley who passed away in 1974 when I was a student at B.Y.U. She was my best friend, my example, she loved me no matter how obnoxious I was. I knew she loved all of her grandchildren, but we all thought we were her favorite. She didn't like animals that much, (I think she was afraid of them), so when she would dose off in her chair watching t.v. I would throw our big orange cat TOM on her lap and then laugh when I had starteled her. What a brat I was. Anyway, as I was there lying in bed feeling sorry for myself I realized that Grandma's birthday is on Halloween. We used to call her our little SPOOK. I was hoping that Grandma had taken Kamber in her arms and is loving her like we love her. I need to change my attitude about Oct. 31, and realize that one of the most special people in my life was born on that day and enjoy my grandchildren the way she enjoyed all of us. I know Kamber has been with grandma and those others who have passed through the veil before us and hope she feels our love for her and them.

Irrigation Nightmare!!!

I don't know how I get myself in these situations, but I do. On Friday Mindi and I had gotten ready for our usual errand run when I said, "I better check to see when the irrigation is coming." So as we were heading out to get payroll, go by Joann's, then Wal-Mart and maybe even In-and Out Burger, I lifted up the lid to the irrigation board and to my horror the irrigation was already coming in the backyard. So I wasn't going anywhere. Mindi said, "Well I guess you are keeping Troy here" because it takes four times longer to run errands with a two year-old. So out we went to check the irrigation, a 55 year old overweight grandma and a two year old. Anyway to make a long story short, as I looked in the first hole where the water comes out, (I think they call it a port), I noticed that a gopher had dug a hole and the dirt was so thick in the hole that the water wasn't coming out fast enough. I grabbed a piece of Rich's junk and began to try and get the dirt out. Some of it did come out but not enough for my satisfaction so I grabbed a long piece of pipe and as I tried to put it in the port I stepped in a mud hole and sunk to my knees. All of a sudden I was face first in a mud hole with Troy asking "Gamma Kay, Gamma Kay Gamma Kay?" I think he was asking me if I was okay. Anyway, I crawled on my hands and knees out of my mud bog until I could get in the main stream of irrigation and then called my dogs over to help me up. It took a 95 pound white lab and a 120 lb golder retriever to help me up. I was so proud of myself, I hadn't broken any bones, said any cuss words, or hurt Troy, all I could do was laugh. I came inside and asked Rich's secretary to take a picture of us. I know now why Rich always calls it IRRITATION. I am now officially resigning as the irrigation girl, next time it could be worse.

Crazy Week

Did you hear the one about the dislexic? She threw herself behind the bus. That is how I feel this week. I woke up this morning overwhelmed with what we have done this week and what we have left to do. Getting ready for family pictures on Saturday afternoon, Ward Halloween party Saturday night and sharing time on Sunday. We always think it sounds like a good idea to take family pictures, so we have been in the mall everyday for the last two weeks except on Sunday. We have decided to wear purple in honor of Kamber. It has really been fun looking for purple shirts that match for ten adults and eleven children. I never realized how many different shades of purple there are and my mind is spinning even thinking about it. Anyway, Spencer and Annie came down for a few days because it is their bye week. It has been so much fun to have them and their two little boys here. We have really missed them, even though we know how much they love being in Colorado where the temperature is cooler and they have the four seasons. He won't have a break now until after their last game on Dec. 28. We are still struggling everyday with the loss of Kamber and hope that she knows how much we love and miss her. This will be the first family picture taken without her and hope she will be watching down on us.

The Sabbath

Today was a nice Sabbath. Church was really good with a missionary farewell and a high counsel talk. They talked about the family and how important it is to teach your children to work and by serving others we learn to love those we serve. Mindi and I teach the 11-12 year-old girls in Primary. Today the lesson was on prayer and I always learn more than we teach. These girls are so smart that at times I feel we should just let them teach us. There was a quote in the lesson from Ezra Taft Benson, the 13th President of the church. He says "There is a great tendency for us in our prayers and in our pleadings with the Lord to ask for additional blessings. But sometimes I feel we need to devote more of our prayers to expressions of gratitude and thanksgiving for blessing already received." I am really going to try harder to pray with more gratitude, it is really hard for me to express my feelings of gratitude to those that are closest to me. Rich has been gone since Thur. traveling with my brother Lennie through New York and up to Canada where they served a mission together. They are now back in the USA in Boston to go to Spencer's football game against the Patriots tomorrow night. I hope they are having a good time. I don't sleep that well when he's gone so it will be good to get him home. Life isn't fair, he's going to the football game and I'm going to get a mammogram.

Where do I begin?

It seems like the older I get the faster time goes by. I can remember having four small children and thinking I would be up all night for the rest of my life and here I am a mother of four adult children and 12 grandchildren. Where did the time go? How did it happen so fast? As most of you know, our little darling grandaughter Kamber was taken from us on July 25th, our lives have not been the same and each day there are thoughts of happy memories and despair. We never know what the day will bring so we try to stay busy and not dwell on the sadness of it all. I have really been impressed with the way my children have rallied around each other and hopefully we will become a closer more eternal family. It is so hard to see your children go through trials and not be able to rescue them. I'm sure that is also how our Heavenly Father feels . Sometimes I feel like there is no way I said I would come to this earth and go through some of the things I have had to, but the blessings far outweigh the trials so I'm thankful for that. When Kamber passed away I felt like my heart was going to break apart. During that week I did things that I would have never thought possible, but the Lord blessed me and my mantra was "gird up your loins; fresh courage take Our God will never us forsake;" Somehow I got through it and I know someone was helping me. How thankful I am for the gospel and the hope that we can be together with Kamber someday.