Goodbye to 2012

Today is the last day of 2012. I'm always glad when the calender flips over to a new year. It seems like I have the same emotions year after year about starting fresh. This year I will try and do better at eating healthier and losing weight. I will be more diligent in reading my scriptures, saying my prayers and going to the temple. I will try and think more positively and be less judgemental about others and myself. Yesterday was the last 8:00 a.m. church for two years. Yeah! On our way home Rich was teasing me about something he thought was funny that was hurtful, not humorous. Sometimes I come home from church feeling worse than when I went. Some of the lessons are more geared to young families who are raising their kids. Rich and I already had our chance and are well aware of all the things we did wrong. It's hard to listen to suggestions on how to raise the perfect family when I don't believe there are any perfect ones. As I talked to a family member yesterday about some of my beliefs, I realized that we all have our agency to do what we want. Just because I think something to be true, doesn't mean others do. I don't know what this year will bring. I am hopeful that my Dad will rally with his cancer treatment and be with us for another year. We are desperately hoping that he will be around when Lennie and Julie get home from their mission in July. I hope Spencer will be healed enough to play football again if he gets the chance. Rich and I have missed our time watching him play in the NFL. We were blessed with a new grand baby, number seventeen. This will probably be the end of our posterity for now, so we are so thankful for baby Dane. Tomorrow when I wake up it will be another year, another year without Kamber but with the knowledge that she is where she is suppose to be, with those who love her as much as we do here. Goodbye to 2012 and welcome 2013!

"Season Reminds Us That God's Here To Help"

I woke up this morning in the mood to get my house back to normal. After two hours of taking down all those cute, fun decorations, I'm in a huge mess and feel overwhelmed. I just keep telling myself that it took me a couple of weeks to get it all up, so I need to be patient while getting it all down. Last night as I was reading the paper before going to sleep, I came upon an article titled, "Season reminds us that God's here to help." It was written by someone from the Washington Post. As I started reading there was a paragraph that I thought applies to me. He says, "When parents die, they take with them a large portion of the past. But when children die, they take away the future as well. This is what makes the valley of the shadow of death seem so incredibly dark and unending. In a prideful way, it would be easier to walk the valley alone, nobly, head high, instead of -as we must- marching as the latest recruit in the world's army of the bereaved." I found out recently that someone in the family has been upset with us about the way we handled the funeral arrangements for Kamber. As Jenn and I were talking about it yesterday, I told her that the week between Kamber's death and the funeral are like a fog. I can't even remember how I survived. It seems like everyone from our family, neighbors, ward family and friends came to help, but honestly I don't know how we got through it. To say some hurtful things now almost five years later about that dark day in my life, seems like a low blow to me. Anyway, I have been to enough counseling to know that when people lash out at others it is because they are wounded and broken themselves. My Dad is really sick right now. We are trying everything we can to find something he can eat. I see his hair falling out and his skin turning a pale color and wish I could help him. He is caught in a hell between the pain of cancer and the side affects that the treatment brings. I pray every day that I won't have to go through something this hideous, but I'm sure there are worse things out there. In this article he says, "Grief is particularly difficult at Christmas, as the best memories can be the hardest ones. But hope of Christmas is broad enough for joy and sorrow." We never know what we will be asked to endure but knowing God is there to help us makes things more tolerable.

Merry Christmas!!!

Church, Cemetery and Temple Lights

Yesterday was a busy day with church and family activities. Only one more Sunday of 8:00 a.m. church, now that's something to celebrate. After our ward we went to Scottsdale to listen to my Dad speak in church. He did such a good job. I was worried he wouldn't feel well enough but was touched by the spirit as I listened to him bear his testimony and tell a special Christmas story. After church we gathered to take pictures of everyone who was there. Rich mentioned that the same place we posed yesterday was where we stood 36 years ago when we blessed Mindi. How has time gone by so fast? When we got home the rest of the family came over and we ate dinner and off to the cemetery we went to decorate Kamber's grave. It is always a peaceful place to be at Christmas and beautiful to look at all the decorations. Jenn visited with a man whose fifteen year old daughter died of bone cancer a year ago last November. It was nice to hear her tell him that "it does get easier," she has been where he is and knows how hard it is. On the way home from the cemetery we stopped at the Temple to see the lights. We haven't been there for a long time and it was fun to see the kids get so excited. We walked around for a while and left just as the crowd started getting too big and my anxiety was starting to kick in. Now today I am wrapping presents, grocery shopping, cleaning my house and hoping to keep my mind out of the deep doldrums that sink me into a place I hate to be. I just have to survive a few more hours and things will get better, I hope.

"Christmas Comes Around Every Year"

The week before Christmas is always mass chaos for me. Between parties, church activities, shopping and cleaning, I can feel the dark feelings of desperation approaching. It doesn't help that I've been fighting some sort of bug that keeps me coughing. Last night was our annual Turley Sister's Christmas party. It started when my Grandma Fern hosted the two families who lived here to come to her little house on 2nd Ave. in Mesa. We would eat and then have a little program with songs and talks. It was also a tradition to read a story called "Turkey Trot" Grandma found when she worked as a librarian. It's about a little black family who are so poor that the Mom tells them Santa doesn't come because he's white. It ends up being quite a cute story but tends to run a little long, so my sister has condensed it for the sake of time and the attention span of the great-grand kids now.  We usually have around a hundred people but last night was different. With Len and Julie on a mission, none of their family came and a lot of cousins on the other side were missing too. Dad and my brother-in-law Larry are both fighting a battle for their lives, so it put a damper on the evening. I told Rich the other day that I feel the tides are a changing. The world is different. The violence that we inflict on our brothers and sisters seems to be increasing and I see sadness everywhere. When I left the shopping center on Thursday there was a mother with a child asleep in a stroller standing at the exit with a sign asking for money. I handed her a couple of dollars and was hoping she wasn't a scam artist. I have felt a lot lately that this isn't the way life is suppose to be. Things should be perfect with butterflies, unicorns and M & M's everywhere. I called a friend of ours the other day to thank him for a gift he sent home for me with Rich. His wife passed away on my birthday last May. They never had any children, hence no grandchildren. As I was telling him about my feelings of being overworked and overwhelmed he said, "well you know Teri, it comes around every year." That has stuck in my mind since I talked to him, it does come around every and I seem to survive it, so I guess this year won't be any different. Just a couple more days and hopefully my cold will be gone and I can get back to getting more than five hours of sleep, and then it will be summer before we know it.

A Trip to the Rim

Every year at Christmas time my parents go on a little road trip and meet my Aunt Nadine on the Mogollon Rim to give her their gift.  This year because Dad is going through chemotherapy, he wasn't feeling well enough to drive and my Mom had to serve in the Temple, so they asked if Rich and I could take Dad. This is the week before Christmas, I have so much to do and Rich is crazy busy with work but we were happy to go. Rich left early to go check on a job, so Mindi and Trulie took me to Scottsdale to meet up with them and off we went. Nadine left Springerville at 9:30 and so did we, we were hoping to get there at the same time. There was a bad storm last weekend and another one moving through tonight and tomorrow so today was the day. As we reached the top of the mountain it became really foggy. Growing up in the desert we really don't have that much fog, so I was really scared. We saw Nadine parked on the opposite side of the highway, so Rich turned around and we loaded the citrus, ham, granola bars and pomegranate jelly Mom had made for the family in the White Mountains. I could not believe how pretty it was. I pulled my camera out and started taking pictures. The temperature was around 34 degrees and Dad was shivering as we visited with my aunt before she took off going North up through the fog. Rich had decided to bring some snow home for the grand kids so he went in the ditch to scoop snow in the back of the truck. By the time we got home there was just a little bit left, most of it had melted. When we got to Payson we decided to get some lunch. Dad hasn't been able to eat hardly anything and has lost about 30 pounds. His coloring doesn't look good and his hair is thinning. I was so happy when he was able to eat a little serving of chili and a frosty ice cream shake. We talked a little bit about how he feels about his situation. With the chemo he can't eat much, but without it he is in terrible pain. He has been having dreams about his father who died when he was only three days old. I don't know if he will make it to another trip next year to the rim, but I'm thankful for the time we got to spend with him today. I keep trying to remember the three things we take with us when we die, our character, our relationships and our covenants.

We Are So Sad

Yesterday Mindi and I were running a few errands. We went to the mall and then were on our way to the UPS store when we heard the news about the tragedy in Connecticut.  When we got home I turned on the t.v. to learn more. Rich and I are devastated about the killing of these innocent children and adults at this school. Being raised by parents who were school teachers for thirty years, my Mom teaching Kindergarten for half of that, this really hit home. This is just pure evil from some very disturbed person. When a child is taken from your family it is like part of your heart is missing. We know from sad experience what it feels like, but Kamber's death was an accident. We were able to hold her and hoped that she didn't suffer. These children and their teachers and other adults were murdered. What a sad day for America when we have something like this happening in our country.  Those police and first responders will be affected by this for the rest of their lives. I called Spencer yesterday and asked him if Tyton was okay. They live in Boston but I know that is in the area, well about and hour away. He was heartsick too and said, "what are we suppose to do, home school our children?" I didn't know how to answer him. As a grandmother of seventeen children from the ages of fourteen to two months, five of which are the same ages of those children killed, we need to stand up and do something to stop this violence. We pray for these families and hope they will be able to feel the love of our Heavenly Father through this grieving process.

Rooster Rescue

On Tuesday evening when I went out to do my chores I saw Spencer's dog Trixie had a chicken pinned down in the yard. I yelled at her and put her in the laundry room to feed her. I was in a hurry because it was getting dark and cold so I went out barefoot, on a search and rescue for the chicken. After walking up and down the yard I finally saw it hiding in the irrigation ditch under some grapevines. Since my hip surgery I don't dare get down in the ditch for fear I wouldn't make it out, so off I went to find a stick or something to help me get him out. Even with a stick he wouldn't budge so I ended up on my stomach in the yard pulling the d#*^  rooster out of the ditch. My feet were frozen and I told myself, "you are going to get sick now saving that good for nothing rooster." So sure enough I have been fighting the onset of a cold for the last two days and been taking every vitamin and supplement I can think of to help me. I need to stay well for at least two more weeks as we have a party tonight with the Stake, a ward breakfast tomorrow and a wedding reception tomorrow evening. To top it off Rich has to speak in church at 8:00 a.m. on Sunday. As Rich was helping me put some boxes up in our closet I said, "I hate Christmas, I will be so glad when it's over." I don't really hate Christmas, just the busy, out of control part of Christmas. All the other stuff I love, the music, lights, and family time. Anyway, I have so much to do I don't know where to start so I guess I will just start somewhere and hope I end up living through it. As my Mom always tells me, "Teri, just do the best you can, that's all you can do."

"Of You It Is Required"

We spent all weekend working around the house. It has been so hard for me to finish up on my decorating. I was up in the night worrying about getting my tree done, so I've spent all morning trying to finish it. I'm just not motivated to do it anymore, I can see now why my sister doesn't even have a tree because it's so much work. I've gotten my shopping done for one of the families and am hoping to get the other three done this week. It has finally cooled down a little and it was 40 degrees when we left for church yesterday morning. First time I've had a sweater on in a long, long time. In one of our classes the lesson was titled, "Of You It Is Required to Forgive." I thought this is a lesson I really can relate to because some of us Greers, me, have a hard time with this concept. One paragraph in the lesson says, "We will be in this world only a short time. The youngest and strongest of us are simply preparing for the other life, and before we get into the glory of our Father and enjoy the blessings that we hope to receive through faithfulness, we will have to live the laws of patience, and exercise forgiveness toward those who trespass against us, and remove from our hearts all feelings of hatred toward them. Rich has told me time and time again that I need to forgive others. I feel that is a spiritual gift that some of us are born with. I must have missed that line in Heaven when they were handing out that gift. Maybe that is why I am in this place at this time to learn how to forgive and try not to offend others who I will need to ask for them to forgive me. Anyway, life is moving along and Christmas will be over soon and I can get back to normal, but what is normal?

Character, Relationships and Covenants

I'm still trying to get my house decorated for Christmas. I've been to Hobby Lobby three times so far this week and to JoAnn's and Michaels too. We almost have the front finished but I had to go pick up two more strings of lights before we can be up and running. We should be finished in time to take them down the day after Christmas. Last Sunday in one of the classes, we were studying the chapter Mormon in the scriptures. The teacher made a comment about something that was said by Elder Holland at her uncle's funeral. He said that there are only three things we take with us when we leave this earth. They are our character, our relationships, and our convenants. I have been thinking a lot about that all week. Where am I on the scale with those three things? There was one verse in Mormon 8:39 which says, "Why do ye adorn yourselves with that which hath no life, and yet suffer the hungry, and the needy, and the naked, and the sick and the afflicted to pass by you, and notice them not?" Am I going by everyday thinking about myself and building up things that have "no life?" Hopefully I can do better and be more aware of those around me who are sick, afflicted, needy and reach out to them, and stop worrying about my petty little problems.

Decorating for Christmas

                    The wild kids in front of the tree

          Dally Dog was sick so he slept the whole party

                       Trulie with a Santa hat

              Reagan eating her cupcake

Reagans Quilt

I worked all last week trying to get my Christmas decorations up. Rich worked putting the lights on our house on Saturday. I helped a little bit, but don't dare get up on the roof or a ladder. Last night as we were sitting in the dark in our family room watching t.v. I thought, "why are we killing ourselves to decorate this house when we sit here in the dark?" I felt overwhelmed and discouraged yesterday when I got up. I wondered where to start. What is the most important thing to do right now? Rich mentioned the other night as he was putting our tree together that it seemed like we just did this. Is that a sign of "old age" when it seems like groundhog day everyday? The weeks are going by faster and faster and there are so many things I want to do but feel like I'm running out of time. Sunday we went out to Ethan and Jenn's to celebrate Reagan's first birthday. The house was decorated so cute and the food so yummy. It's always fun when the kids and grand kids get together. We miss Spencer and Annie who are so far away in Boston but hope they will be home soon. I have three quilts I need to get done by Christmas, with a waiting list for after the holidays. When I get sad I just go in my sewing room and start a quilt, it seems to be therapy for me, trying to create something with fabric. I wonder what others do that helps them cope with the stresses of their lives. I do love this time of year where the music and lights are everywhere, I know it will be over faster than ever and I will be putting everything away and wondering why I do this.

True Meaning of Christmas

I can't believe it's already been a week since Thanksgiving. I have been slowly starting to pull Christmas decorations out but am having a hard time motivating myself to finish. My feeling for Christmas is changing as I get older. I love giving presents to my grand kids and  now that we have seventeen it has gotten a lot harder. I don't have the stamina I used to have when shopping at the mall and I seem to have to pace myself with how much walking I can do. Today Mindi and I went to a couple of stores at the Mall. Trulie was hungry so we went out into the mall to get her a pretzel, that was the closest food source. Anyway, as I was sitting there I saw an older man enjoying a pretzel by himself. I felt inspired to talk to him so I said "hi" and started a little conversation with him. He was using a walker to get around so I asked him what had happened, having had  a hip replacement and remembering how hard it was to get around with one. He was in his eighties and was wearing a blue hat that I think is one worn by someone who was in the military. As I continued with my conversation I learned that he had just gotten out of the hospital a while back after suffering a heart attack. His wife is in an assisted living facility because he can't take care of her anymore. She has lung cancer and dementia. I told him about my Dad who at the time was at MD Anderson having his 7th round of chemotherapy and how worried I was about him. As we said our goodbyes I was so thankful I had listened to the spirit and got to know this man. He was such a cheerful person with lots of challenges. As we walked away I told Mindi that I felt he just needed someone to talk to. The holidays are so hard for so many people I feel ashamed sometimes that I have as many blessings as I do. The true meaning of Christmas isn't about the presents and the material things in life. For me it's how we make others feel the love we have for them and for the Savior.

"Live in Such a Way"

I hate Mondays almost as much as I hate 8:00 a.m. church. I missed out on Black Friday and probably going to pass on Cyber Monday. I'm still trying to get my house back to normal and all my pumpkins put away, plus I've been working on a couple of baby quilts for two of the grand kids. Ethan's baby Reagan turns one tomorrow, so I'm trying to get her quilt done and presents wrapped. Yesterday morning I woke up with a sick stomach. I felt nauseous and hoped I wasn't getting sick. Rich got ready for church but it was already 7:15 before I started feeling like I was going to be alright, too late to get presentable. I hate missing church because I miss that time to reflect and try and feel the spirit. Anyway, as I was writing in my journal while everyone was at church, my thoughts went to my Grandma Fern. She was a special influence on me as a young child and she passed away while I was up at BYU in 1974. I have always felt sad that I never got to say goodbye to her. As I was thinking about her yesterday I had the thought, "I wish I could have just a few minutes to talk to her." She was always so happy and smiling, I don't think I ever saw her upset or sad. What would she tell me to do with my situation here on earth? Would she tell me I can do anything I want, and I would be able to handle any adversity I was given? She's been gone almost forty years now and I still feel her influence on me everyday. That got me thinking about my seventeen grandchildren and what legacy I'm passing on to them. Will they remember me as a gouchy old woman that walks like a penguin? Or will they know of my deep testimony of the Savior and my love for them? The jury is still out on that one, I can just take it one day at a time. I have a little quote hanging in my house that says, "Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know Christ will want to know Christ becasue they know you."

Thanksgiving 2012

I fell asleep last night at 8:00 p.m. I guess the stress from the last two weeks finally caught up with me. We had around thirty people over for dinner yesterday which is about half as many as we usually have. With Len and Julie on a mission, my brother Ben divorced, and some of the grand kids living around the country, it was just a few of us who got together. I have to admit the smaller crowd is easier and a lot quieter. On Wed. Mindi and I ran a bunch of errands finding tablecloths and the rest of the things we needed for dinner. When we got home I was working in my kitchen and decided to put some water and sugar on the stove to cook to fill my hummingbird feeder. I got distracted by something and went in my room to rest for a minute. I must have dozed off for a few minutes when I smelled something like smoke in my house. I jumped up and then remembered that I was cooking on the stove. How stupid am I, leaving the kitchen with something on the stove?? Anyway, I was lucky Rich had some of his guys here working and Dave was here too, so we started opening up windows and got the fans blowing the smoke out of the house. I had to take pictures of what sugar and water look like after cooking for about an hour on the stove. The rest of the day I kept thinking about how lucky I was to not have burned my house down. I guess I need to buy a timer for the kitchen so that doesn't happen again. It's taken me two hours to clean up the mess from yesterday but I'm glad that my family feels welcome to come. It was my parents 62 year wedding anniversary too, so we celebrated that milestone with them. I sure wish Dad felt better, he doesn't look good and his appetite isn't what is used to be, but we are thankful for everyday we have with him. I'm putting up all my Thanksgiving decorations and trying to motivate myself to get all the Christmas stuff out, I need a nap before I do that and hopefully with nothing cooking on the stove.

Gratitude for the Harvest

Last week Jenn came over with her three little ones to help Mindi make pomegranate jelly to give away for Christmas. I found myself sounding like my Mom as I said, "you girls need to learn how to do this because some day I won't be around to help you." Hopefully these two will be able to carry on the traditions of our family by working together on this project. We don't live on the farm where we harvest lots of corn, wheat or vegetables but we do have lots of citrus and pomegranate trees so we have our own little crop to harvest. Yesterday Rich and I had to go into downtown Phoenix to attend a hearing concerning the theft of a large amount of money from our company. It wasn't a fun experience and for someone with anxiety disorder it was scary. As we were leaving it was everything I could do to not lose control and start sobbing. We got in the truck and continued on our way through the middle of Phoenix, past the Herberger Theater, both ASU and UofA Phoenix campuses and on to Bank One Ballpark. It has been years since I have been in the hustle and bustle of downtown Phoenix. As we came up to a light I looked over and saw something I had never seen before. A young man covered from head to toe with shiny silver pop tops attached to his clothes and hood over his head. He was trying to get his belt on, while standing on the corner of the street next to his white and pink bike. I grabbed my phone and took a picture. I told Rich I felt ashamed to have been murmuring about my situation when there are so many others who are so lost and alone on this earth. I have nothing to complain about and need to show my gratitude for all my blessings. The holidays are getting harder and harder to get through, but I'm thankful for all those in my life I have to spend them with.

Forgive to be Forgiven

 Mom and I 60 Years Ago



Me, Mom and Marlene at the Bronco's Game

Over these last couple of months as I have been stressed over the situation with my friend and the politics of our country I have learned a lot about myself. My love of country, family and friends are so very important to me. Choosing to stay home and raise my children was hard as I saw other women enter the work force and have careers where they were given praise and a paycheck. I don't remember very many times that my husband and children thanked me for doing their laundry and keeping the house clean, that was just my job. I often wonder what would have happened if I would have tried to balance working and my family, it would have been impossible for me. Yesterday was my Mom's 83rd birthday. Every morning when I call her she answers with a happy voice and says, "Good Morning." I then say something like, "why are you so happy today?" Where she then says, "I made it through another night." I wonder why her happy, positive attitude didn't rub off on me as I'm more like my Dad by not being a morning person. I am going to try really hard to put all the hard feelings I've harbored over these last few weeks to rest. Yesterday as I was ranting about all those who I feel treated my friend wrong and how some I feel are only Christians on Sunday, when all of a sudden Rich said, "come on Dewey, let it go." Am I going to hear this for the rest of my life? As I have been reading my little book by the same name there is a part about when people asked him how he could forgive the person who killed his wife and children. He talks a lot about the Savior's teachings on forgiveness and that if we don't forgive, we will not be forgiven. Then he said, "Although there is power in forgiveness, it does not relieve us of consequences." So I need to really work hard on having a forgiving spirit, because I have so many things to be forgiven of, starting with those closest to me.

"Let It Go"

What a night, at 2:00 a.m. I was still wide awake, my brain trying to process all the information I got after spending three hours listening to testimony, for and against my friend in front of the Town Council here in Gilbert. I thought I would feel so happy and relieved when all seven of them voted against the appeal and will now allow Marlene to move forward in pursuing her dream of having a wedding and party venue. As I woke up this morning still dazed, there was such a sense of sadness that came over me. I saw the toll this has taken on my friend and the hard feelings that I now have towards people who I thought were friends and good people. The scripture "Love thy neighbor as thyself," did not come from those who opposed her. One of the council made a statement that when she asked the neighbors, "is there anything she could do that would allow you to not oppose her?" The answer from them was "NO." This took me back to an email sent to her from someone in my ward that said, "we wish you all the best, hopefully from another location." As I layed awake last night I thought of all the complaints about noise and traffic and how worried they were someone would get hurt. Then I thought of the ten or more receptions Rich and I have attended in that same neighborhood where the cars were lined up and down the streets and the music playing so loud I would have to sit with my fingers in my ears. I think the city saw through all the lies and hatred and gave some good counsel on being good neighbors and trying to heal the wounds that have been caused by this. Marlene now has lots of work to do to be able to hold anything there including getting the building up to code and figure out some parking issues. She has had to spend over $10,000 to hire an attorney and sound and traffic engineers and she still hasn't made a dime. It makes my head hurt just thinking about the toll this has taken on all of us. There is clearly no winner in this situation as I can see them still trying to make her life miserable by watching everything she does trying to find a way to get rid of her. When I was feeling so down and out last weekend when Rich left me behind when he went to Boston to bless Spencer's baby, I picked up the book "Let It Go," by Chris Williams. It is about a guy whose pregnant wife and two kids were killed when a teenage drunk driver smashed into their car while returning from dinner. As he sat in the car with his family dead inside, he says, "My thoughts went quiet, I felt at peace, and then I heard a voice that was not my own in my mind as clearly as if it had come from someone seated next to me. It wasn't a peaceful, whispered voice, nor was it the still, small prompting of the spirit: It was straightforward and filled with power, and the voice said, "Let it Go!" Life continues to be hard for me as I struggle everyday with pain, sadness and disappointment. Hopefully someday when I get to the end I will have done enough good to see Kamber and those I love on the other side, but until that happens I hope to be able to just "let it go."

Can I Accept This?

After Kamber passed away four years ago I read everything I could on grieving. I went to counseling where it seemed like session after session my thoughts would come back to the fact I couldn't get past the fact she was gone. The five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then finally, Acceptance. I think being a baby boomer brought up in a strick Mormom family, I was protected from some of the things my friends were going through like divorce, drugs, sex and alcohol abuse. My parents expected us to do the right thing and we were taught the Golden Rule, to "treat others like you would like to be treated." Due to my mental illness with extreme anxiety and depression, I have learned a lot about myself and my own shortcomings. I have talked a lot lately about trying to help my friend get her wedding venue passed with the city. My daughter Candi commented that she felt maybe I was feeling better about the situation, as I didn't seem to be as upset as in the past. As Rich and I were talking about it the other night I told him how I felt. If someone I knew came to me and asked me to help them with a problem, I would see what I could do to help. Rich would do the same as he would do anything for anyone, always. I think that is what hurts the most about this whole situation. We asked for help and only two of the original people called even responded. Since then some others have offered support and that hasn't gone unnoticed. As with everything in life, time will hopefully heal my heart. Tomorrow night is the final  meeting with the Town Council and I hope they can see through the lies and unkindness coming from her neighbors. I believe that our Heavenly Father loves us and wants what is best for us, so I'm putting my trust in him and know that whatever happens will be his will and that is all I can do. Now will I be able to Accept this decision, that's the question?

Flowers for Kamber

I love living in Arizona in the Fall. It is our reward for living all summer with the temps over 110 degrees. A couple of weeks ago Rich started planting our flowers up the walkways in front of our house. Since Kamber passed away we have planted purple flowers closest to the house around our wishing well in her honor. It is always an emotional day for me as we place each flower in a perfect spot in her memory. Last night as I went to bed I was listening to the news about a three year old little girl who drowned in her grandparents backyard. Unless you have experienced this, you can never know the heartache and pain it causes. Rich left on the "red eye" flight on Thurs. night to go help Spencer bless his new little baby. I have struggled with the emotions since I knew he would be going without me for a few weeks now. This will be the first grand child that I will not see blessed and that hurts. Spencer and Annie wanted to do it back there, so it is what it is. So I'm staying busy, cleaning, making jelly and shopping. If I can't go to Boston, I'll just go to the mall. Even with all the challenges I have right now, I feel such an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for all I've been given. I have sixteen healthy, happy grandchildren and one in heaven cheering me on. We all have struggles and trials and maybe that's what it takes to smooth out all our rough edges and make us so thankful for the good times.

"Unrighteous Dominion"

Last night we had a wonderful time at Tristyn's volleyball banquet for Highland High School. This banquet has been on the books for a couple of months so the city let them go ahead and have it, if Marlene did it for free. As I was sitting there with her and the guests arrived a father and mother of one of the girls strolled in. Marlene recognized him as one of those in Carriage Parc who have made her life a living hell for the last few months, writing letters to the Mayor and being an ass about her wedding venue. We contemplated asking them to leave but thought it would be best to take the "high road" on this one, not wanting to make the daughter embarrassed. Who does that? Who signs petitions, spreads lies, writes letters apposing you and then has the gall to show up at an event? The man in Val Vista Lakes who appealed the commission's decision in her favor is a member of the church and been in the Bishopric. Marlene has had him over showed him what she's doing, turned the music up as loud as she could and he was a total ass to her. As I was telling my Dad my frustration with members of the church who claim to be Christian and follow the teachings of the Savior and then treat someone the way my friend has been treated, he gave me a little lecture. He told me to read D&C 121:39 Where it says, "We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion." In verse 37 it also says, "When we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn. Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man." This is my favorite scripture now. I hope this fight for Marlene will be over soon. She looks so tired and discouraged, I wish I could take her pain away. I do know at some time we will all stand before the judgement bar and get to try and justify our bad behavior, I'm including myself in this as the need to forgive and not judge are taking me down fast.

"Hope and Change?"

All day Tuesday I was sure we were going to have "Hope and Change." As Rich and I went to bed we were really discouraged at the choice the voters made. I thought with the state of the economy, with all those unemployed and on food stamps that maybe our country would want to go in another direction. By last night we had come to accept the fact that we are in the same place we have been for the last four years. So we have come to grips with that and hopefully things will get better. Rich said that almost everyone he talked to in the construction business couldn't wait for the election, hoping the economy would get better and the work would pick up. I have been praying for inspiration as to what I should do with my constant pain and the possibility I may have to go through another surgery. At times I get desperate and try and make a decision without that inspiration, but then decide to just wait. I've been going through this cycle for several months now. So this morning as I was reading my scriptures I came across this in 2 Nephi 31:20, "Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life." I want to look at the big picture and try and press forward with hope and love and know that we aren't in charge of what happens. We can only make choices for ourselves and live the way we know we need to live with our families on the other side.

Election Day 2012

My Dad has been on chemotherapy for a month now. I have been encouraged at how well he has tolerated it and it seemed to help with the pain in his bones. Over the weekend though he started feeling really bad, in a constant state of nausea. I haven't had chemo, but I have been pregnant five times and have some experience with not being able to eat anything and praying to die. I hope he isn't that bad and hopefully when he sees the doctor on Thursday they can help him. During this election time my thoughts have been on my childhood a lot. My parents didn't agree on which party was right and during these times it was a constant state of contention in our family. My Dad was from the White Mountains where his family were Democrat and my Mom from Mesa, who were conservative Mormons. I remember as a young child not understanding the importance of this sacred right we have to vote. My parents basically cancelled out each others votes for decades. Then my Dad became a Bishop and took that responsibility very serious. He told me recently that when the Democrats became so liberal and condoned partial birth abortions and same sex marriage he had to change parties. As he reaches the end of his life, his legacy will live on in us kids, good and bad. As I was talking to him lately he told me that he feels like at some point we will be held accountable for who we voted for, if they weren't in accordance with the teachings of the Savior. I am so thankful for parents who taught me the gospel and the importance of voting for those candidates who have my same ideology. I have no idea what is going to happen but whatever does, we will deserve what we get because we have been warned.

"Now Thank We All Our God"

I spent all last week either getting ready for Halloween or picking and juicing pomegranates to make my Christmas jelly. On Friday my parents, sister, niece Victoria and some other friends came over and we juiced for about seven hours. After everyone left I went in my family room to relax on the couch. My body was talking to me in the hip, back, neck and arms. Rich and Mindi had decided to try a different way so they were at her house with another crew including Jenn, Ethan, Dave, Rich and the kids. They thought it would be better to take each of the seeds out and send it through a juicer while we just used Boches and juiced. I don't care which way you do it, it's hard work. As I was lying on my couch the tears came to my eyes and I felt the same way I did after having a baby. I told myself  "never again", that was terrible. As I sat in church yesterday the opening song was "Now Thank We All Our God" which made me feel a little better. Some of the words are "Oh, may our bounteous God Through all our life be near us, With ever joyful hearts And blessed peace to cheer us, And keep us in his love, And guide us day and night, And free us from all ills, Protect us by his might." With all that is going on back East with the storm damage, I feel so bad for those people. Some families have lost everything, no home, food or clothing. I can't imagine losing everything at this age, it makes me so sad for them. So now this week I will start making jelly, I've already made one batch this morning, I'm so thankful for my nice home and warm bed to rest my weary body, and pray for those who have lost everything.

"The Uses of Adversity"

I have spent most of the last two weeks riding in the car going from Goodwill to Hobby Lobby, JoAnns's and several other stores, trying to get costumes for Mindi's kids. By Sat. I was so tired I didn't even want to go to the ward party. Not to mention wanting to avoid some people who have disappointed me and made me lose respect for them. Anyway, I never have liked Halloween. As a young mother I was so glad when the calender turned to November and the Trick or Treat candy was gone and I could put all the scary decorations away and bring out the pilgrims and fall leaves. As I spent most of yesterday in a bad mood and stupor of thought, I woke up today with the thought I need to make changes in my life. I don't know how I will accomplish it, but hopefully I can get myself out of the mess I'm in and find a more healthy place emotionally and physically to live. In my almost sixty years I've had some hard trials. While raising my kids I felt overwhelmed and out of control most of the time. I spent many years going from doctor to doctor trying to find a cure for some of my symptoms. I had surgeries and tests run but finally just gave up and realized this was going to be my life. After Kamber drowned I felt a shift in my energy and my spirit. How could I go on after the tragic loss of that innocent child? I prayed a lot and read eveything I could, to try and make sense of my feelings. I was given a book called the "The Uses of Adversity," by Carlfred Broderick. At the end of the book he says, "My witness to you, is that God lives, and he does not live less though you have injustice and adversity and pain and unkindness and violence and betrayal. God is in his heaven. We chose to come to an unjust world and suffer. But God is God, and he loves us. His son died for us. There is for each of us, because of who we are and who he is and who we are together, hope. There is hope." So eventhough life gets overwhelming and dissapointing and hurtful, there is hope, that's all I have right now.

"If The Savior Stood Beside Me"

I had the hardest time getting to sleep last night. Tristyn had her last volleyball game against a good team from Mesa High. We lost the first two games and then came back and won the last three, something I never thought would happen. She is the youngest player on the varsity at only fourteen years old, but proved to be so tough with her ability and leadership. We were so proud of her. As I tried to wind down I opened up my e-mails and found one from someone in my ward. Part of it said, "I want you to know that we signed the petition without enough information (you know they were using alarming statements like ...alcohol, traffic, loud music." Then she goes on to say that she will support my friend and to take her name off the petition. I was so touched I almost started crying in bed. I wish Rich would have still been awake so we could have talked about this change of heart. So at 1:00 a.m. I was still awake trying to figure a way to open the eyes of all those who are making my friend's life a "living hell" right now. As I was out feeding my animals my thoughts went back to when Mindi and I taught the 10-11 year old girls in Primary. The highlight of my week was when LeAnn would teach those little children the new songs for the program. One that stands out in my mind is, "If the Savior Stood Beside Me." Some of the words are: "If the Savior stood beside me, would I do the things I do? Would I think of His commandments and try harder to be true? Would I follow His example? Would I live more righteously if I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me? If the Savior stood beside me, would I say the things I say? Would my words be true and kind if He were never far away? Would I try to share the gospel? Would I speak more rev'rently if I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me." I remember feeling the spirit as those little children sang those words. I found a quote by President Gordon B. Hinkley from his talk "The Need For Greater Kindness in April 2006 where he says,"Why do any of us have to be so mean and unkind to others? Why can't all of us reach out in friendship to everyone about us?" Maybe all of us adults need to go back to Primary and learn what they are teaching our children and grandchildren, the world would then be a better place to live.

"Adult Bullying Right Here in Gilbert"

I have wondered lately why I'm taking this fight against my friend so personal. Why do I care what members of my ward and some who I thought would support her do? I know my blood pressure is up and the loss of sleep has taken a toll on my health. As Rich and I were on our way to church the "light" came on. I realized that what these neighbors are doing to my friend is no less than "adult bullying." They watch her property and when she has an event, they are there taking pictures and listening over the fence hoping she will do something wrong so they can report her to the city. It's really sad. As a child in school I remember being made fun of because my name rhymed with beer, queer and rear. I was better in sports than most of the boys, so that was another way to hurt me. As my kids rode the school bus in Lehi with some of the Native American kids off the reservation, Mindi would come home with spit all over her hair from them. We had to pull Candi out of Moutain View High School and sell our dream home and move to Gilbert, because she was afraid of some girls who had threatened to kill her. That's the truth! I worry for my seventeen grand kids with all the cyberspace stuff and wonder which one of them will be stalked on the Internet. We could have pulled our kids out of school to protect them from all the negative aspects of growing up, but hopefully the experiences they had have made them better, stronger and more tolerant of others. Our family will continue to help a friend who has been wrongly treated and hopefully the truth will be told and those that have been unkind will get what is coming to them. We all get to pay for those things we do, myself included, as I'm a firm believer in Karma. Besides, if my friend loses her fight with the neighbors and has to sell her home and move, they will miss out on having a wonderful person as a neighbor. Isn't it ironic that October is National Anti-Bullying month?

"Cease and Desist"

I remember a few years ago having a discussion with my attorney brother on how I didn't see how attorneys could represent people who had committed terrible crimes get away with it. I was told that the Constitution made sure that everyone is entitled to "due process" and to be defended by an attorney. I made the mistake yesterday of getting into a political discussion with my sister. Boy, do we disagree on just about every ideology. I called my dear friend who I'm trying to help get her "bar", reception venue passed by the city and she sounded terrible. The hateful, venomous, lying neighbors had gone to the city to make her stop doing anything on her property until the final hearing in November. The City brought out a Cease and Desist letter prompted by complaints from the most "intolerant people" Rich has ever seen. So all last night I tossed and turned, trying to find a way to help my friend and get justice for her. I had thoughts of retaliation, pickets, and nasty letters. When I woke up I was too tired to do anything so, I went in and opened the scriptures and just read. I started thinking about all the good things my friend does for people. She goes to the mortuaries and does peoples hair after they pass away, getting them ready for burial. She decorates for people who are struggling in this economy and did a wedding for a bride whose parents never paid her a penny because she didn't want to ruin the bride's day. As I thought of the many things she has done and what a good person she is, I had this calm feeling that justice will prevail for her. If it is true that our Heavenly Father knows us, loves us, and wants what is best for us, things will work out for her, No Matter what happens. I know sometimes when I write on my blog it comes off hateful, distasteful, exaggerated and negative. These are my real feelings and this is my blog. If it offends you, PLEASE don't read it and stay away from me. For those of you who are my friends and honestly care about me, thank you.

"Keep Your Friends Close"

These last couple of weeks have been really rough. I have spent a good deal of time with my parents at the cancer center having tests run and talking to doctors about my Dad's prognosis. I watched my big strong Dad look white and scared. I asked him what he wanted the doctor to say to him. He answered, "I want him to tell me I'm going to live." I have thought a lot lately of what I would do if I was told I had a terminal illness. Would I bankrupt my family trying to prolong my life, or would I cut my loses and go see Kamber? When Spencer moved to Boston I knew it was going to be hard. Then when he got hurt and had surgery I wasn't there for him. This last week they had another baby and I didn't get to hold him after he came from our Heavenly Father like I have with all the other grand kids. My fear of flying is causing me to miss out on lots of things I want to do, which really makes me sad. I've been trying to help a friend with her problem getting her venue passed with the city. The thought that keeps coming to my mind is "keep your friends close and your enemies even closer." This means that you always want to keep your friends close to you because they are the people you can trust. The second part means that your enemies are always going to be out there seeking to harm you, so you want to keep a close eye on them. My problem is that now I don't even know who my friends are. We all are entitled to our opinions and I respect anyone who has one even if I don't agree with them. The problem is when people I respected are shown to be dishonest in their opinions. I have faith that things will turn out for the best which ever way it goes. I'm glad to know who some of my friends are, that means a lot.

Birthdays, Chemo and a New Grandbaby.

Yesterday my sister and I spent the morning with our parents at the cancer hospital. We got the sad news that my Dad's cancer is spreading like wildfire. So in order to try and put the fire out, he started chemotherapy this morning. We also had three birthdays in the family yesterday, so it seemed like I was celebrating all day long. After taking my sister out for lunch, I took a little nap until the rest of the family arrived to celebrate Trent's 9th birthday. I was so tired this morning it was nice to just stay home and do chores around the house. I was waiting for a call from Spencer to tell me how he and Annie were progressing at the hospital as they were having their 4th child. In the meantime my sister called to tell me that her son-in-law was headed to urgent care with severe pain from what they think are kidney stones. Are all families this crazy? Today is B.J.'s birthday so he and Candi are spending the day together but after the parties yesterday they can celebrate with his family. I just got to talk to Spencer and Annie and see a picture of their new little baby boy. He is safely here and weighs 8 pounds. That makes 17 grandchildren, 9 boys and 8 girls, someone needs to step up to the plate and have another girl to make it an even 18. We are having "joy in our posterity" but wow, it sure can be stressful at times, we wouldn't have it any other way though. At least we won't forget the day that Dad started chemo and our little grand baby was born, 10-11-12, how cool is that?

I Loved Conference

I absolutely loved listening to Conference. I felt the spirit in the music and talks. I cried as I listened to the Brother's talk about his young son who choked on a piece of chalk and passed away. I haven't had those feelings that strong since Kamber drowned four years ago. As he talked about the sadness, despair, hopelessness and guilt, I realized that we will all go through trials during this mortal life. It seems like after the two day feast of the spirit I go into kind of a fog. I try and process all that was said and try see how far I am away from being like the Savior. All I can do is try and make each day a time to repent and try harder. Last week my sister and I went to the MD Anderson Cancer Center with my Dad. We had never been there before and as we walked the long halls to join my parents, I became anxious. There is a specific smell to the place, whether it's the chemo drugs or just the building, it was scary at first. I saw some patients who were alone in wheelchairs with oxygen waiting for their treatments. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity they called us back. They took Dad's vitals and weighed him and put us in a room. The doctor came in a few minutes later and he looked so young. After an hour long lecture on all the details of his diagnosis and possible treatments we were ready to get the heck out of there. After sitting for two hours I could barely walk, my hip was killing me and I had to hold on to the rail as we left. I told my sister," I hope I never have to go through what these people are going through." She said, "you may never get cancer but the way you are walking it looks like you will be in a wheelchair soon." Hopefully I will be able to make a decision soon on what I need to do about my hip, I'm still waiting for that inspiration I was promised in a blessing I received from my Dad a few weeks ago. This week is going to be busy with birthdays, doctors appointments and the birth of Spencer and Annie's fourth baby tomorrow. I am truly blessed beyond belief and thankful for everything I have been given, even the trials.

"What Would The Savior Do?"

I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Rich wasn't there to talk to, he's still in Utah visiting with his family, so I was alone with just my thoughts. I have tried really hard while helping a dear friend fight a battle that would stop her from pursuing her dream, to not take the actions of others personal. When Mindi and I sent out an e-mail asking for help we were hurt that only two people responded with a "sure what can we do?" We had one send a response of "no we won't help and we are going to do everything we can even lie, to make her go away." After she won the hearing on Wed. Rich came home and told me he couldn't believe how "venomous, hateful and intolerant" the people were to my friend in the meeting. I have felt all the emotions one can have when dealing with something like this. We got copies of the petitions that went around in the neighborhood fighting her and they had 150 signatures of which around twenty of them were members of my ward. As my thoughts went wild this morning I finally felt some peace, this is why we live in America. We not only have freedom of religion, freedom of speech and many more freedoms, but we have also been given our "free agency" by our Heavenly Father to do anything we want. At some point I believe we will have to answer for some of our actions. I was so happy and relieved when the commissioners passed the permit for my friend until I was told the "hateful, venomous neighbors" have decided to appeal the decision. So for now the fight moves on and will probably get bigger and nastier but hopefully truth will prevail. I will now spend the next two days listening to Conference. I'm sure I will be told to be kind, be a good neighbor, be tolerant of others beliefs and many others, but the one I'm sure will be told that will be the most important to me, is how we must forgive if we want to be forgiven. I remember when I have been going through hard times before my Mom always saying, "Teri, do what you think the Savior would do." If only it was that easy.

Another Sleepless Night

I had another almost sleepless night last night. There were three important events I needed and wanted to do but found myself at only one of them. I wanted to watch the Presidential debate, go to the hearing for my friend at Town Hall and Tristyn had a volleyball game where they were raising money for curing cancer.  Mindi spent two days making cookies to sell and then yesterday I helped her make caramel popcorn. Rich and Dave went to support my friend Marlene, while I went to the game to help Mindi with the kids. When I got home I tried to watch the debate I had on DVR but my mind was on what was going on at the city. Dave was texting updates as to who was speaking and what was happening. It was around 11:00 p.m. when Mindi came down with the news that they ruled in favor of my friend with a 4-2 vote.Whew! When Rich finally got home, we talked about what he listened to and he couldn't believe how mean and hateful those neighbors were to my friend. Thanks to a lawyer friend, the Pastor of the church next to her and the good members and neighbors of the Pioneer Ward they were able to get the votes needed for her to run her little wedding reception business. This experience has made me realize just how naive I am about people, how I think some are my friends who really aren't and how spreading lies and distortions don't win in the end. I just hope everything works out the way I hope it will. Rich is on his way to Utah for his mission reunion, I always have mixed feeling when he goes, I'm happy that he gets to see all his companions and his family up there but have the feeling of being left behind, even though it is by my choice. I know how fast this weekend will go by with all the shopping, watching conference and working on quilts and crafts. He will be home before I know it, besides I am on baby watch as Annie is due any minute with our 17th grandchild. We don't know what sex the baby is, so it will be a surprise for all of us. Collecting both pink and blue stuff has been fun.