Panic in Hobby Lobby!

Yesterday Mindi needed to run some errands so I went along to sit in the car with Troy. He usually falls asleep so she doesn't have to wake him up to take him in to the stores, I just ride along. Before we got home I was feeling really bad. I was aching all over, in every joint and I had a pounding headache. Candi and Annie had both brought their boys over to swim, brrrrr, so I just sat out by the pool in a chair. By the time they left I was really sick. I was running a fever and I felt so bad my hair even hurt. I jumped in the bath tub with hot water hoping that would make me feel better. I asked Rich to make me some chicken noodle soup. My head pounded all night long so I just kept taking Tylenol, Advil and Aleve before I finally fell asleep at 11:00 p.m. Every time I brag about how long it's been since I've been sick I end up with my "head under my wing." That's what my Mom always says when my Dad's sick. Anyway, I feel much better today, I have too much to do to be sick. We are busy planning a shower for Jenn and Mindi is helping Patti with stuff for Craig's funeral this weekend. It is also Tayler and Candi's birthdays. As I was lying in bed yesterday thinking about all I needed to do I wondered what I would do if I had a debilitating illness. All my animals would have to go and my quilting and crafts would come to a screeching halt. We really do take for granted our health. Last week Mindi needed to go into Hobby Lobby for something. It was either sit in the car with the air conditioning running or just go in. She needed to go to the scrap booking stuff in one corner of the store, and I wanted to go to the fabric at the complete opposite end. We were going to meet in the front where the flowers are when we were finished. As I have talked about before I have had a terrible time with anxiety and agoraphobia. It means a "fear of the marketplace." Their was a time in my life that my Mom had to drive from Scottsdale and walk through the grocery store with me and I literally thought I would die before I could get out of there. I have been soooooo much better the last few years, but still not able to drive myself to a store and go in alone. It has truly been HELL for me. Anyway, I asked Mindi if she had her phone and headed out by myself to the fabric part of the store. As I passed the flowers I noticed the prettiest purple flowers. I had this thought come into my mind that Kamber would just love that shade of purple and kept pushing my cart. Before I could even get into the fabric I started to have a panic attack. If you haven't had one consider yourself so fortunate. I started to feel like I was going to spin out or pass out so I turned my cart around and headed down the isle praying I wouldn't fall or yell some bad words out. I remember a lady in front of me and I almost ask her to help me find my daughter. I was trying to find my phone in my purse and finally pulled it out, but instead of calling Mindi I dialed my parents home. My Dad answered and asked me how I was doing. I said, "terrible, I'm in a store and having panic." By then my Mom had picked up the other phone and just started talking to me and telling me how sorry she was that I have to go through this and assuring me I would be okay. I finally made it to the front of the store and sat down on a bench and just kept talking to my parents. A girl from my ward walked in and I talked to her a little bit. About two or three minutes later Mindi came rushing up to the front and asked me if I was okay, I guess the girl in my ward had told her she saw me at the front of the store so she knew something was wrong. Mindi then told me that she didn't have her phone, she had left it in the car and asked if I had tried to call her. I don't know why I called my parents, the normal thing for me to do would have been to tell Mindi I needed her, but she wouldn't have answered and I know by then I would have been really in a bad place. As I was telling Rich about it that night, all he could say is, "that isn't any way to live." I have been dealing with this since 1986 and sometimes I do wonder if I can't be healed from it maybe it would be best to go on to the other side. But there again we don't get to choose what kinds of trials we will have. I have told many people that I just want to be normal, but what exactly is normal? I just know I'm not. I guess that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't want to get any stronger.