God Does Not Cause Adversity

Another week has come and gone and we are already half way through the month of May. Pretty soon the kids will be out of school for the summer and it will be hot as he%*. The weather has been so nice, I wish it could be this way all year round. Rich left to go fishing with my brother before he leaves for his mission next month. I'm glad they are getting away but I always feel abandoned when he goes off to do something fun and leaves me behind. Even though I wouldn't want to go fishing, I still get a little sad. When I was raising my kids he was gone ALL the time with either work or church responsibilities. They would take the scouts to Lake Powell or up skiing, or on an "amazing race" activity. I would have to stay home and watch the children and the animals. A few times in our marriage he would go with friends or family up deer or elk hunting. It would make me go to such a dark place that I started charging him $100 a day for every day he was gone. I almost feel ashamed to admit that I would do such a thing, but, he was willing to pay, I'm sure just to shut me up. So today before he left I received my fun money to spend while he's gone. I usually just put it in my drawer, but sometimes we go get something nice for dinner. This week was my once a month appointment with my counselor. I look forward to spending an hour and a half with someone who listens and teaches me how to cope with life's challenges. I was telling him about all my animals being killed and eaten and how bad it made me feel. We then talked about life and how things like that happen. We live in a pretty safe environment here in Gilbert, but some of our life experiences aren't that fun. He then said, "at least we don't live in those countries where they are chopping people's arms off." WOW! I don't think I could deal with that pain. As we were finishing up our session he asked me if there was anything concerning Kamber that we needed to address. I said, "No, I'm doing really good." Then I started to cry. I went on to tell him how on Mother's Day we put all the grandchildren on the side of the pool for a picture. There was a huge hole where she should have been sitting. I had Major hold a large purple flower to represent her, but come on, that didn't come close to filling the emptiness left by her death. We then talked about how the very last step in the grief process is acceptance. I need to truly know that it was her time to return to our Heavenly Father. At times I feel at peace with her passing, and then there are times when I get so angry at God for not reaching in and pulling her to safety that I could scream! I finished my book this week and in one of the last chapters the author said something that really hit home with me. He said, "Remember, God does not cause adversity, but he does allow it, and through adversity we are tested and are able to grow and develop." I hope this trial will make me a better person and some day it will all make sense and I can find the peace I'm seeking.