Post Christmas Blues

I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning and got to work. My house has looked like a bomb went off with all the Christmas crap around and dishes, laundry and everything else to do. I got my mantle cleared off, the Christmas tree ornaments all taken off and almost everything back where it belongs. The only thing I have left to do is put all the boxes up in my closet. I'm hoping someone can help me do that tonight. How fast the "Christmas Season" ends around here. It seems like we have a day to enjoy the holiday, feel the spirit and then it's back to the same old routine. I'm getting weary of it. Next year I think I'll find a little ceramic tree and put it on a table, I'm done doing this all by myself year after year. I've been thinking a lot about moving in to the new year. How can I make some changes that will help me have a more healthy, happy lifestyle. I thought maybe starting a "gratitude journal," to help remind me of my blessings, but I'm not really in the mood for that. Am I the only one who thinks life is just too hard right now? Is everyone in denial? Maybe it's just my bad attitude, but I swear next year is going to be different for me, I'm tired of the same old thing. We had a very simple Christmas, it was hard fitting church in on Christmas Day but the music and message was good. We had our kids and grand kids come over and open presents and then all the extended family came for dinner. That is the only way we can do it so my parents can see all the grand and great grand kids. It was sad this year because my one brother is serving a mission and the other has just gone through a divorce. That leaves most of the work for my sister and me and our kids. Hopefully things will get better, the sun has to come up again tomorrow, and hopefully Christmas will be behind me.

Merry Christmas To All

Candi and Max

Four oldest grand kids

Me loving Max

You know you're an old fart when on Christmas Eve you soak in the tub and watch The Sound of Music on t.v. My sister and I were venting last night about how hard it is to fit everything in. It seems like the older I get the less I get accomplished and that's frustrating. Today was a different day and it didn't seem like Christmas Eve. Spencer played in Buffalo against the Bills and they did terrible. There is only one game left and if they don't win, their season is over, NO play offs. As I sat watching the game I became more and more anxious. I probably shouldn't watch the games because it puts me in such a bad mood when they play so bad, four interceptions, really? So after the game Mindi and I did some retail therapy trying to finish up our shopping and looking for bargains. I came home wrapped presents for my grand kids and told Rich I was going to bed. He said, "it's only 8 o'clock are you really going to bed?" Yes, I'm tired and tomorrow is going to be another crazy day with church and then the whole family coming for dinner. Is this the way life is going to be moving towards 60? I guess so. I've been kind of down in the dumps lately. It seems like the stress of the holidays brings out some sad emotions deep down inside of me. Last night at our family party I looked around at all of the eighty people that were there. I have so much to be thankful for. I have the best parents, spouse, kids, grand kids, siblings and friends. I have a testimony that our Savior lives and he loves me and watches over us. I still don't understand why Kamber had to go home, but know I will see her again someday. I think I'm finally getting the real meaning of Christmas. It's the gratitude we have for the birth of our Savior and the love we have for all his creations. I hope all those I love have a wonderful peaceful Christmas tomorrow and feel his spirit.

"The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"

I spent this morning doing some much needed housework, I know how busy the next few days will be, with our extended family party tomorrow and then Christmas Eve and Christmas. After I was finished Mindi and I did some last minute shopping, it felt good to be out of the house. We then met up with Candi, B.J. and their boys at the cemetery to put a little something on Kamber's grave. Families shouldn't have to decorate children's graves, especially at Christmas, this was our third year. As we pulled up I noticed two teenage girls putting red garland around a tree close by. There was an older man with buckets and gallon water containers cleaning the grave of his sweetheart. After we were finished I walked over to him and told him how nice he kept his wife's grave. She passed away about 18 months ago. As I looked in his eyes I could see the sadness and loneliness, what a loving husband. As we were walking around B.J. and I started talking about how we came to purchase some plots at the cemetery. He wanted to go see where our "final resting place" will be. As we looked at some of the headstones there were many whose spouses have died way before them. I'm glad I have the knowledge that we will see our loved ones again. That gives me peace. I have felt overwhelmed and disillusioned about my life right now. Life is hard, and the older I get the harder it seems to get. I hope some day I will get to the point that my faith will be able to pull me through the hard times, but right now I'm just hoping for some peace during "the most wonderful time of the year."

Birthday Change of Plans

This morning I woke up at 5:30 a.m. with the water running in the shower. Dang how I hate being married to an early bird. I tried to get back to sleep but after about an hour I decided to just get up and start working. By 8:00 I had my sheets washed, the dishwasher loaded, the dogs and fish fed, breakfast and lunch made for Rich and my caramel popcorn cooking on the stove. Today and every day this week are going to be busy but today was going to be a special day. We were going out to lunch to celebrate the birthday of a good friend of mine. I have known Paula for over twenty years as she lived in Lehi when we were both down there. She has four boys just about the same ages as my children and was a second Mom to Spencer because he was best friends with her youngest Blake. Anyway, after a divorce and the accidental death of her oldest son, she remarried a guy in my ward and so we were reunited again. She has been a very good friend to me. When I had my hip surgery she slept at the hospital on a mat on the floor so I wasn't alone for the two nights I was recovering. She came over a lot this summer trying to encourage me to exercise in the pool. We have had some very special conversations and cried together after the death of her son Rhett and my grand daughter Kamber. I hope I can return just a little bit of service to her. Unfortunately I just got a call that she is sick and won't be able to go to lunch, but I know we can go when she feels better. Now that our plans have changed I need to decide what is most important to get done today, I don't even know where to start.

We Will Never Give Up

Here it is a week before Christmas, how can that be? I've been busy trying to get my shopping finished and stay "out of the toilet." It's hard around the Holidays to keep everything in perspective, what Christmas is really all about. I went out the other night to feed my animals and one of my special rabbits was missing out of the cage. I asked Mindi if she had seen her in the morning and she had. So I went in the cage thinking maybe she was just hiding, when I saw a hole leading out of the cage to the backyard. Because of the rain the dirt was really soft so it was easy for her to dig her way out. Mindi and I searched the yard until we found her dead under the grape vines. Couldn't she see the five big dogs waiting to chase her? It put me in such a bad mood I could hardly function yesterday. Ethan came by and said, "I hear you are down in the dumps, come with me and I'll buy you lunch and you can spend some time holding the baby." So off I went to spend a few hours with the grand kids in Queen Creek. Last night as I was getting ready for bed I asked Rich, "at what point do you just give up, throw in towel, or just crawl in a hole?" My ever optimistic husband said, "Never! we never give up, we endure to the end." Okay, I think sometimes that I am at the end, I'm tired of my life as I know it. Yesterday I was talking to my Mom, she always tries to cheer me up. She lived through the depression when life was really hard. Her Dad was sick and my grandmother had to provide for the family. She understands what hard times are and she always tells me "things are going to work out, get better and don't get discouraged." With all of this positive energy around me how did I turn out to be such a Debbie Downer? I guess I need to keep working on that gratitude journal, then maybe things will get better, and work out for the best.

I Need to Build an Ark, We Are Flooding

It has rained now for two days straight, my yard looks like a swamp and my animals are swimming. How do people live in places where it rains constantly? This morning the sun was shining for about an hour. We thought it was clearing up so off we went to the Mall. I'm trying to get all the Christmas bought for my grand kids, the adults aren't getting anything this year unless Rich wants to shop for them. I heard on the news this morning that women do most of the shopping for Christmas, Really? I know if it isn't at Home Depot or Loew's, Rich doesn't think we need it. I remember when my kids were young I would kill myself shopping, sometimes late when the stores were open until midnight. I would then spend all Christmas Eve wrapping because if I put presents out any earlier the kids wouldn't leave them alone. Then on Christmas morning Rich would say something like,"Wow you bought way too much this year." Then the blood would start shooting out of my eyes after I spent hours and hours trying to make Christmas nice. I guess he just thought everything should be free or that Santa Clause would bring it. Men just don't get the shopping thing, Rich would be naked and starve if he did the shopping. So I guess it's a good thing I bust my butt every year so we can have some sort of Christmas. We have all felt so overwhelmed lately with all that we have to do. Rich and Dave are working 10-12 hours a day and we still are hardly making it. Mindi and I work all day trying to keep up with laundry, dishes, cleaning and not to mention five kids to take care of. Maybe we should put the house up for sale and move into an apartment where they do all the lawns, or a hotel where we can have maid service. That sounds great, but what will I do with all the stuff I have and the critters? I guess I need to just be happy with what I've got right now and be thankful I'm not in a sleeping bag in the park in the rain.

NOT So "Merry and Bright"

This week the grand kids have had ear infections, bladder problems, diaper rash and strep throat, those are just the ones I know about. Mindi went out to feed the animals yesterday and pulled something in her back. She just left for the doctor. After a summer of over 110 degrees it was 28 this morning. The animals don't like it so cold, either do the flowers Rich planted. I spent all day yesterday trying to decorate my Christmas tree and finish the swag in my entry way. Last night I was sitting alone in my family room enjoying all my work feeling sorry for myself when the phone rang. One of my best friends called to tell me her father had passed away. I could hear the pain in her voice as she told me "I'm so sad, I will miss him." I knew her parents weren't in very good health but didn't know he was that sick. It seems like everywhere I look there are trials, and heartache. Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean all is "Merry and Bright," we are all going through something hard, especially trying to diet during the holidays. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it, hopefully when we get to the other side and are reunited with our loved ones we will be proud of what we did here. I'm thinking I'll have some huge regrets, some character flaws I wasn't able to overcome, and some relationships ruined. This mortal life is how we prepare to return to our Heavenly Home, hopefully I'm going to be up for the challenge, right now I'm just trying to get through Christmas.

Not Feeling the Christmas Spirit Yet

The Nativity My Dad Carved

My crystal tree

The Mantle

After the Game

Abney and I (Darling!) Ha Ha

All the boys in the Jungle Jim (Basketball Hoop)

I've had a hard time getting motivated to get my house decorated for Christmas. I'm not really in the Christmas spirit right now but hopefully I can move towards that. Every year I say "I've had enough, never again," but continue to make myself crazy. Annie and the kids came for the weekend while Spencer was in Minnesota playing the Vikings. The Broncos even won so that makes it fun for me. It was so good to see them and spend a little time playing with the kids. I wish we could have planned it better so we could get all the grand kids together for pictures but we didn't have time. We went to church, watched the game, had dinner and then let the kids play with the cousins, then we went out to Ethan and Jenn's to see the new baby. How blessed I am to be the grandmother to sixteen wonderful kids. Today as Mindi and I were out running errands I saw two different guys on scooters, one was handicapped and stopped in the middle of the street crossing the freeway. The other one was going down the sidewalk with an American flag on the back. He was an older guy and after looking closer he had only one leg. Mindi said, "see Mom it could be a whole lot worse." I know that compared to many I have a wonderful life, I just wish there were some things that were different. I'm trying to make some changes and hopefully it will help. We never know what we will be asked to go through, I don't even know how to prepare for adversity, so I just keep plugging along on this journey of mine.

Joy In The Journey?

I woke up this morning at four with a bad headache. By the time I got a Tylenol and went back to sleep it was after six. I slept really good but when I got up it was after 8:00, my cleaning girl had come and gone because my front door was still locked. I decided I could do it alone and started feeding animals and tried to get my house decorated for Christmas. I would clean as I went along. I do this every year, say "next year I'm not going to put that huge wreath up," "I'm not going to put the swags around the entry way." Well, I did it again, proved that I like to inflict pain on myself. Rich went to work to clean up a job site, so that left me on my own again. All I wanted were the Christmas lights up on my house. Dave started to do it and it began to rain, then he couldn't find any of the lights that actually work, so again no lights. As the day progressed I seemed to become more angry. I bought a little tree to put some purple ornaments on for Kamber. Then I put the crystal ornaments on my little tree in the entry. It seemed like everywhere I looked there were memories of Kamber. I walk outside the front door and there are the purple flowers Rich planted in Kamber's section. The picture hanging on the inside of my door, which is the last family picture that she's in, I will never take it down. Rich got home just in time to hang my wreath, listen to me complain and then off he went to a Stake Conference meeting. Life seems so busy and complicated sometimes I'm ready to throw in the towel. Am I ever going to find peace and joy in this journey I'm on? Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong things. Maybe I'm just tired of being mortal.

It's Beginning To Look Like Christmas

It's beginning to look and feel like Christmas around here. The temps are down in the sixties with a winter storm moving through. I've had my tree up for a week now but haven't put a single ornament on it. It seems like a mood thing for me and I'm trying to get "in the mood." When I was a kid it seemed like forever between Christmas and my birthday, now it seems like we just put all the decorations away and here we go again. There were a couple of boxes that never even made it out of my "stack all" room. My doctor called last week to say all the blood tests were normal. That means I'm not rejecting the metal part of the hip. That's good news, but now I need to find something else to solve my problem. I'm trying to make some lifestyle changes that are really hard for me to do. I know that I have medicated myself with the finer things in life like chocolate, pizza, cheeseburgers, soda and many other unhealthy things. I was told as a young child that my Dad would rather bury me than have me in a bar or drink alcohol. That's what you get when your grandparents were alcoholics. So even though I would never drink alcohol or take drugs I will kill myself with food. So I'm joining a few other family members who are having our own "Biggest Loser" contest and hopefully it will help with my pain. I have noticed that since I've been trying to change some of my eating I'm way more emotional. This is really hard but necessary for my health so I must "gird up my loins, fresh courage take." I think I can do hard things but no comfort food is torture. Hopefully some day I will feel good again and be able to be out of pain and hopefully do things I haven't done in a very long time.