Funeral For Lance

Last week was a really hard one for our family. Nothing like a death in the family to get everyone out of sorts. Yesterday was the funeral for Lance. My brother Len got to come home for 36 hours to spend with his family before heading back to finish his mission. They will be home in a month and it will be so nice to have him back for good. Yesterday in the funeral he gave a talk about three principles they teach while serving in the mission. Number one is that "God is a loving Heavenly Father and he loves all of his children. Because he loves us he has an eternal plan for us." Number two is that "Because he loves us he has an eternal plan for us, the plan of happiness." This plan includes three stages, Pre-Mortal Life, Birth to Resurrection and then Life After Death. Then the third principle he talked about was the Atonement which covers all of our sadness, illness, trials and compensates us for all the injustices that we will have in our lives. I have wondered a lot lately why our loving Heavenly Father would take a young husband and father away from his family. But then again why would he take the very young children like Kamber, who have their whole lives ahead of them back to heaven? I feel like the older I get the dumber I become. I also realize that at any time our lives can change. All we have is today so each day needs to count for something because we never know what tomorrow will bring.

Memorial Day 2013

We are celebrating Memorial Day the Larsen way. Since the kids were little, Rich has made every holiday a day to get things done around the house. He is so busy with his job and there is so much to do around the house, we have always had a project to do on the holidays. We have a couple of guys putting the roof back on Mindi's house that blew off and Dave is putting in a new stereo out by the pool. I haven't seen Rich yet, but I'm sure he's doing something in the garage or barn. The Boston Larsens have arrived home and boy was it fun to spend some time with them yesterday. We had dinner and then met up with the extended family at the cemetery, something we have done for a long time. We are getting so big we almost need a crossing guard to get across the streets while decorating graves. This year has been hard because of the passing of Lance Craig, my nieces husband. As we were coming home from the cemetery I told Rich how sad I am for Mary. I remember the first few years after Kamber passed away how my heart felt like it was going to explode with anger and sadness. I can honestly say that I feel some closure and acceptance about her death. Five years has gone by and the sting is finally going away and I can just be thankful for the two years we had with her. I'm thankful for my testimony that there is life beyond the grave and we will see those loved ones who have gone before us again. I'm also thankful for all those who have served our country in the military who keep us free, and know of the sacrifice they have made for us. I am truly blessed.

"The Best Day Ever"

Yesterday was the "best day ever!" Not really, but it was a milestone day for me as I turned sixty years old. WOW, when I woke up I thought I would feel different, but it was the same old me. My sister had planned on taking me to lunch but when I woke up I felt inspired that we should go to Scottsdale and have lunch with the people who brought me into this world and have been my biggest source of love and support throughout my life. It was good to see Dad smiling again and having an appetite, as he has been fighting prostate cancer for the last eleven years. At eighty-four years old we feel lucky that our parents are still living in their home and able to take care of each other. It could be a whole lot worse. I had so many calls and well wishes it made me feel loved. I appreciate all those who called and brought by little treats and gifts, I truly don't deserve all the blessings I have been given. Now today I am back to reality, there are dishes and laundry to do, plus animals that need to be fed. We are also preparing for all the family that will be arriving this weekend as Mary comes home to plan a funeral for her husband Lance. Also, Spencer and Annie are coming on Saturday, so it will be a busy start to the summer. As I have struggled with anxiety and depression, plus the lack of self esteem I have learned that we can't change any one but ourselves. The older I get the more I understand that everyone has their free agency to do what they want, including myself. My testimony is strong that I know I lived before I came to earth, and when I leave this mortal life and ;pass through the veil I will be home, being united with those that have passed on before me. I hope to live a life worthy to see Kamber, as I know she loves her family and wants us to do what is right. Life is good, and I'm thankful for all my experiences that have made me who I am, even though I'm now a senior citizen.

So Sad About Lance

A couple of weeks ago when we were in the hospital with Rich waiting for him to go into surgery, the anesthesiologist came in to talk to us. I asked him if he knew Lance Craig, my nieces husband who used to work at the same hospital as a nurse anesthetist. Their eyes lit up as we talked about what a great guy Lance was. When they left the room the nurse said, "I just want you to know that Lance was the kindness, most professional person I know. He always let people feel like he really cared about them." I have thought about that so many times over the last two weeks, thinking I should give Mary and Lance a call and tell them what these co workers said about him. I never did act on those inspirations and last night Lance passed away. I will never get to tell him what I needed to. When I talked to Mary yesterday and told her my experience in the hospital, I also told her what I felt about Lance. I never saw him upset or mad, he seemed to be such a special kind of person. They moved to Indiana last year and he has been sick since January. As I talked to my Brother Len last night, Lance has had some health challenges that were never going to let him stay that long on this earth. Now Mary will have to raise her three children by herself. I am so thankful she has her training as an RN and has worked in the hospital with critically ill patients, she should be okay. As we talked, I told her I wished the Savior could come down and heal her husband, but I also know that we will not be on this earth one day longer than we are suppose to be, and Lance was suffering and now he is free and out of pain. We know we will see him again and that families can be together forever, but right now we are so sad. Memorial Day is this weekend and now we have another person to remember that has touched our lives and hopefully he knows how much we loved him.

"Taking Things Way Too Personal"

Last night as Rich and I were getting ready for bed I could see he still doesn't look well. I asked him what was going on and even though he is feeling better there are still challenges. He has spent the last two weeks sick, had surgery, went back to work too soon, and now that he's gotten the stint that went from his kidney to his bladder taken out, we are hoping he will get stronger everyday. I told him last night I feel life is just one big problem. His answer was, "especially in construction." I was feeling really secure the other day when I noticed I hadn't seen any scorpions lately. I was hoping the cold weather this winter might have killed them all. NAH! As I was pulling the comforter down from my bed last night I felt that awful sting and knew I had been stung by one of those little creatures. After saying a few choice words, I grabbed a cup and filled it with water hoping the dang thing would drown. What a horrible time to get stung right before bed. Then I was on a mission to stop the never ending throbbing at the top of my thigh. I must be a scorpion magnet because I think of all the family, I've been stung the most. In the book, The Road Less Traveled, by Scott Peck he says, "Life is difficult. This is a great truth-one of the greatest truths. It is great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult, once we truly understand and accept it, then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. When we do not understand this truth, we moan and groan about the enormity of our problems. We pound on doors, and jump up and down, imagining that somewhere, somehow, life is easy and we've been cheated. Where did we get the idea life should be easy?" I know for sure life is not easy. I've been really worried lately about some things in my life. As I was telling Rich about my concerns he finally said, "Dewey, I think you are taking this WAY too personal." I need to respect the choices those close to me decide to do and concentrate on my own happiness. That is so, so hard for me to do. The old "Free Agency" concept concerning my family makes me disappointed and crazy. But then again, life isn't suppose to be easy.

What Kind of Feathers?

I had a really nice day on Sunday with all my children doing something nice for me and making me feel special. It's nice to be remembered and appreciated. Yesterday morning when I woke up the thought came into my mind that we need to print T shirts that say, "I survived Mother's Day." Or one like the one Spencer sent me that said "Boston Strong" but maybe it could say "Mother Strong." On Sunday I sat by a darling girl in my ward that I am embarrassed to say I didn't embrace when she moved in. With my anxieties sometimes I'm socially awkward and being married to "Mr. Congeniality" makes it hard. Anyway, as we sat and talked we had similar life experiences. The loss of a baby and fears of driving and on and on. It makes me feel bad that maybe I'm unapproachable. I really try and be a nice person but maybe I'm not as "warm and fuzzy" as I should be. When I was reading my little book yesterday, "Enjoy Life's Journey, Choosing Happiness Along the Way," it's so not me, she told a story about a little girl who came running up to her mother with a soft blue feather in her hand. She asked, "What bird dropped this feather?" Her mother said, "I don't know the exact bird, but I can tell you the kind of bird it was. It was a bluebird." Then she goes on to say that "everywhere we go in life, we leave a feather. People may not know exactly who we are, but they always know the kind of person we are. Feelings are often more important than facts and beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. If you would be beautiful within, be very careful of the critical and the unkind word." It made me think about all the feathers I have dropped along the way. What do they say about me? I want to drop beautiful, kind feathers so when I'm gone from this earth people will know what kind of person I was.

"Making It Through When Life Happens"

This past couple of weeks have been hard. I have felt all kinds of different emotions as I've had a sick husband, a trip to the mountains and spending some time in the hospital hoping he would make it through surgery and be out of pain. He came home on Monday and on Tuesday was back to work. He always is over committed with clients and usually with church. Thank heavens he was released from his church job and now can concentrate on getting his jobs finished and hopefully some things done around our house. As I have spent most of this week in the toilet I have wondered, what is bothering me? I have a few clues like Mother's Day, my 60th birthday getting closer and closer, my lack of energy to achieve all that I want to, and just worrying about the future. As I picked up my book to read this morning the chapter said, "Making It Through When Life Happens." I went on to read about stress and how it can affect our lives.  She says, "stress is an emotional response to a real or imagined fear. Events themselves aren't stressful. It's how we perceive them that affects us." Here we go again, is the glass half full or half empty? I wouldn't change my life for anyone else. I wouldn't even change my children or grandchildren for anyone different. I am thankful to be a mother, my kids have taught me so much about life and about myself. I know I can do hard things because I lived through teenagers and didn't give up then. I still hear my Mom say, "Teri, Heavenly Father wouldn't have given you so and so if he didn't think you could handle this, so cheer up." This week I have told myself several times, "I just don't care anymore." When I told that to my son Ethan he said, "don't lie, you really do care, you are just upset." Then when I was talking to Spencer he said, "Mom I wouldn't change any of our problems with those who I see who really have it bad." So I guess I need to keep letting my kids teach me what I need to learn and be thankful that I am a mother and I lived to be the ripe old age of sixty. Wow, that's going to be hard.

"I Just Feel So Good"

A couple of months ago Rich was standing in our bedroom getting ready for work when he said, "I just can't believe how good I feel. For my age  and how hard I work, I just feel so good." I told him then he needed to find a big piece of wood and knock really hard on it. My experience has been that  whenever you think you have your life figured out and things are going good, it seems like it's then you get kicked in the head. Rich struggled all week from Tuesday until Saturday night when  he went to the hospital. I had urged him to go all week but he always says, "it takes time and money and I don't have either." So when Rich went to the hospital, I went to bed thinking he would call me and let me know what the verdict was. I knew they would be running some tests and he waited until the middle of the night to finally realize things weren't right. When I finally didn't hear from him and called to see what was going on, he informed me that he had a 7 millimeter kidney stone blocking his kidney and he was in renal failure with his kidneys working only 50%. WHAT? Anyway, I called Ethan and he came and got me and we spent the day in the hospital with him. They did surgery in the morning and he finally got something to eat and some pain medications and was resting comfortably  when we left at around 4:30 p.m..  We went back later to give him some clean clothes and take his truck home because he won't be driving for at least 24 hours after surgery. I have been alone a lot in our marriage because of Rich's job and church assignments. Last night as I went to bed for the second night alone it dawned on me what really alone feels like. Having a sick husband isn't fun but I'm so thankful for good doctors and a hospital with kind caring nurses. Things will get back to normal soon and some day Rich will be telling "I feel so good" again.

An Adventure or Nightmare?

I woke up at 3:15 a.m. this morning. I was so tired from our little road trip but couldn't sleep. Yesterday I spent ten hours in a car taking my parents up to their summer home to turn on the water, the hot water heater and give my Aunt Nadine her birthday present. Rich has been fighting kidney stones all week but felt fine when we left. We ate breakfast in Payson and then headed up the mountain towards Springerville. Just outside of Show Low the pain started back in and Rich was barely able to make it to the cabin. He got out of the truck went straight to the water source then started pacing around the property. Here we are three hundred miles away from home with a sick husband, a chemo patient, a mentally ill almost sixty year-old and a nervous mother wondering how we are going to get home. After Rich paced for about an hour outside, he came in and tried to sleep on the bed. He couldn't get comfortable so he tried a hot bath. The water heater wasn't working that well so Mom and I started boiling water to keep him comfortable in the tub. By now it was around four in the afternoon and we still hadn't had any lunch. Mindi called to make sure we had made it up there okay and when I told her what was going on, she stepped in and started calling the family and our friend who is a doctor. We finally decided to just try and get as far as we could and then Ethan and Dave would come to the rescue. Rich started driving and made it to Show Low, he was really suffering and making us really scared. We got gas and I told Dad to get in and drive. He said he felt well enough so on we went heading home. The sun was terrible as it was shining in our eyes and as we got to the rim Rich told Dad to pull over. He walked away from the truck, got down on all fours and started to yak. I really did think he was going to die. A really nice police officer pulled up next to the truck and asked us if everything was okay. I said, "well, my husband is really sick passing a kidney stone and we are waiting for him."  He said, "okay, have a nice evening." Yeah, we were going to have a great evening. I don't know how we did it but Dad was so calm and did such a great job driving. He has probably driven that road hundreds of times and I was so proud of him. He was my hero on this trip. We pulled in to Payson and Dave and Ethan were there, I was so glad to see them. Dave got in our truck and drove Mom, Dad and me home while Ethan took Rich to the hospital. After waiting there for awhile seeing there were at least fifteen people ahead of him they just came home. As I told Rich how scary that was and I wouldn't be traveling with him any time soon. He said, "oh come on that was an adventure." If that is what Rich thinks is fun I'm for sure not going on another trip with him ever again.

Hives, Carpel Tunnel and Kidney Stones?

A couple of weeks ago I broke out in hives on my arms and fingers. While I was trying to find a solution for that problem my carpel tunnel started acting up and my right hand was numb, swollen and felt like it was going to blow up. Then yesterday Rich started having symptoms of trying to pass a kidney stone. What the heck? Are we being punished for something or just two old farts coming down with one ailment after another? I haven't ever passed a kidney stone but they say it is the second most painful thing next to childbirth. Since I had five pregnancies, Rich has a few more to pass before we are even. The first one he passed was almost twenty years ago. I remember I was at the mall with a friend when I got a call that he was in the hospital. By the time I arrived they had him hooked up to an IV with morphine in it and he was feeling pretty good. He got so bad last night and then again this morning I was ready to call an ambulance and have them take him for some more morphine. I finally got him to take some pain pills we have and made him start drinking some ginger ale to stop the nausea. We have promised to take my Dad up to the White Mountains to get the water and power turned on in their little cabin the first week in May. I have been praying so hard that Rich would get better because Dad has his heart set on going home and seeing his sister who's birthday is Monday. After lots of prayers and a Priesthood Blessing, I think he's on the mend. I'm crossing my fingers that the pain doesn't start up again because we have a ten hour car ride to get through tomorrow. It will be fun to get away up to the high country and the pine trees and  have some time with my parents. We never know when our lives will change in an instant and someone will leave this earth. Now the bad part is we have to be on the road at 6:15 a.m. and I'm not a morning person, but for my parents I guess I will have to be one tomorrow.