Happy Halloween and Birthday!

Today is my Grandma Fern's birthday. She died when I was going to BYU in 1974. I always associate Halloween with this special person in my life. I remember when she passed away how sad my Mom was. I had never really seen my Mother be so emotional about something. She was really close to her and it was a shock when she died at home in her sleep. It took her kids a whole year before they would even go through her house. Yesterday as Mindi and I were out running errands we were talking and I was wondering if losing Kamber will ever get easier? I remember what a shock it was when my Grandma died, just like it was when we got the call about Kamber. I think that was a turning point in my life. Until then, I really hadn't experienced the death of anyone close to me. They say that "time heals all wounds" so I'm hoping that as the time goes by it won't be as painful and sad as it has been. I know that life isn't all lollipops and rainbows. The sad thing about it is that until something is gone, you really don't appreciate what you have. I know I take everything for granted. I just expect things to go right for me. We live in a little bubble where we go to church and try to serve where we are needed, but sometimes I think we really don't know how bad it is out there. Life is brutal. Being married is hard. Raising children isn't a "walk in the park." At my age I'm wondering when the next trial is going to hit. That is one lesson I learned from my Grandma. She was always smiling. I have never met such a happy person since. She had some really hard challenges in her life. She outlived three husbands, all with poor health. I never heard her say an unkind thing about anyone, even the lawyers that lied about her in court and took away all her land and money. I definitely didn't get the DNA for positive and happy thinking from her. But, I will claim her as my example, my friend and hope to remember her life and try to be more like her. If I could be half the grandma she was I will be happy.

Love The Cool Weather!

This is the time of year that we all love about living in Arizona. It has finally cooled off and we will take it even if it's for a few days. I have lived here all my life. I was born in the old Mesa Southside Hospital in downtown Mesa. I remember going over to my Grandmother's house and loving the smells of the orange blossoms in the spring and the distinct smell of the fall. As I grew up I related the fall smells to football games. I have spent from childhood to now going to football games in the fall months. Now that Spencer is playing in Denver it is kind of sad that we don't have anyone to go cheer for. Our grandchildren aren't old enough yet, but hopefully some day one of them will play. For the last two weekends we have been planting our purple flowers to honor our little precious "angel child". Rich and I went to Lowes to pick up our assortment of purple and purple and white pansies. He also got some taller flowers to put around our fountain. As we were driving down to the store I began to cry and feeling sorry for myself. (That happens a lot lately.) I said, "no grandparents should have to go buy flowers to plant because one of their grandchildren have died." But, as we got home and went to work it became a little easier. We have always had enough money to do our whole walkway, but with the economy the way it is, we just can't afford three hundred dollars on flowers this year. Rich has planted his own seeds and is hoping to plant them soon. The holidays are hard. We know we are missing a member of our family. I hope she is near and knows how much we love and miss her. On Sunday as we were saying our family prayer I told Rich that we need to get to where instead of being so sad, we need to be happy for her. We know she is in a better place and won't have to suffer some of the trials our earthly life requires. We are trying hard and that is all we can do at this time.

BIG MAMA!!!

I must warn you, the pictures in this post may be disturbing to some, especially for me and my family. We had our Ward Fall Festival on Saturday. Most every year I go as myself with a cute shirt with pumpkins or something on it. Last year I told myself that I would dress up this year because I was tired of being a "party pooper." Most every year I see some darling costumes and can't believe how creative some people are. Anyway, last Friday I went with Candi to run some errands and ended up in a small costume shop at Fiesta Mall. We looked at the usual witches, pirates and vampires but nothing seemed to jump out at me. I finally found a costume at the back of the store that was suppose to be worn by a man. It was called "Big Mama." As a joke I tried it on and Candi and the girl in the store told me it was hilarious and Candi even offered to pay for half of it. I should have known better if those two thought I should wear it that it would be embarrassing. I don't know what got into me, I must have lost my mind, I've been doing that quite regularly lately. Anyway, I ended up at the party with this "get up" on and now I just can't believe I would really do that. I was afraid all day yesterday when the phone rang that it was someone from the Ward telling me that my costume was inappropriate and not to come to church, but that never happened. As I was leaving the party I ran into my brother Len, he said, "is that a costume or did you get it out of your closet?" Isn't he a nice brother? You know, now that I see the pictures it seems to suit me just fine. I think I will wear it more often, I think it brings out my true personality.

Thankful for Two Daughters

In my family growing up I had one sister and two brothers plus a Navajo brother that came and lived with us until he graduated from high school. I didn't always get along with my sister but now we are pretty good friends. Sometimes my sister and I will get on the phone three -way with my Mom and we have a good time talking. She always tells us how glad she is to have her two daughters. As I get older I am sure glad that I have been able to have two daughters. They are really different but both are great in their own way. Mindi is such a good person and would do anything for anyone. She helps me so much I could never repay her. She puts up with a lot living so close but I appreciate all she does for us. Candi is just a "ton of fun." There have been times that I think I could have literally wrung her neck, but as she has grown up and matured we can finally, for the most part get along. She is so good to keep our hair looking nice and she does lots of nice things for people in and out of the family. I just got home from shopping with her and she is sometimes brutally honest, but I guess so am I. As my children get older they almost become my friends instead of me being their parent. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. The other day while Candi was changing her babies diaper she was joking that someday she would be changing mine. Oh, I hope that never happens, I hope the Dear Lord will take me home before I have to rely on one of my daughters to take care of my sanitary needs. Mindi has made a promise to protect me when I get too old and Candi is going to make me look beautiful for my funeral. That is what is so good about having two daughters!

"Plan of Happiness?"

It is so weird because every time I start blogging the tears start flowing. I was told by a friend of mine to get up every morning and write two pages of anything that comes to my mind. Even if it's your grocery list, write it down. I guess it does something to your mental health but so far I don't think it's helping. It is sad how as we age we begin to see things we have done when we were young, immature and stupid that affect us when we get old. Some of my choices have really come back to bite me in the backside. I have read so many church and self help books I should have a degree in something, but I still struggle every day to keep it together. I ask myself all the time, "Is this really what the plan of happiness is all about?" If it is, then why am I so disappointed in my life. I know people that have gone through many hard trials and when I see them they have a smile on their face. Why does my face always look like my best milk cow just died? I know life is hard right now for a lot of people. Families are dealing with things I would never want to have to, but that doesn't make it any easier to walk the pathway I get to. I would never have picked the trial of losing a grandchild. I know I wouldn't, then why did that come on my pathway? I hope it will all be worth it when we get to the other side. It has to be better than this earthly life. Sometimes I wish I could just get of visit from my Grandma Fern, my Aunt Tenna, or even Kamber, and they could reassure me that is really is worth it. Then maybe I could put a smile on my face and enjoy this journey.

I Have A Family

I started blogging after Kamber passed away because I felt it would help me heal from the pain of the loss of that darling little girl. At times I feel like I am inspired to write about certain feelings I am having, but on the other hand I know I may be giving too much personal information about myself and my family. My life isn't a very exciting one. I pretty much do the same things everyday. I make the same bed, do the same dishes and clean the same house over and over again. I also feed the same cat, three dogs and all my fish and turtles day in and day out. I don't go anywhere or do anything that might be considered "going out on a limb" kind of thing. I grew up in a house with two very conservative school teachers who were very active in church but had very little extra money to travel or recreate. We didn't go to the lake or the beach or to Mexico like a lot of the families in our ward. I guess that is why all of us kids either played sports or the piano. They gave us all they could and especially wanted us to be educated, so we all graduated from college and both brothers went on missions. I know my parents love us kids and would do anything for us. They have not only supported Rich and I, but they have also been so good to our children and grandchildren. They don't have much, but what they do have they are so generous with. They are both 80 years old now and when I look at how well they are doing compared to some senior citizens their age I am so grateful. That they still have all their marbles is a blessing to our family. My Mom was very close to her Mother and her sister who have both since passed away. She also has told me how sad it was when my uncle was killed in an airplane accident while serving in the Airforce. She tries to lift my spirits when I'm down. They work in the Temple and are so dedicated to the gospel. As the children were singing our closing song in Primary, "I have a family here on earth, they are so good to me, I want to share my life with them through all eternity," I had to smile and think of my family here on earth and my grand baby in heaven.

"Worry Wart"

Everyone who is close to our family knows that my Mother is a "worry wart." She calls all us kids everyday and asks the same questions, "how's everything going? And how are all the kids?" If someone is sick or something is wrong we know she will always have an answer or at least some sympathy. Even as a young child I knew my Mother worried about everything. When my grandparents house in Springerville burned down she wouldn't go in an elevator or a basement for many many years. When we traveled she wouldn't eat anything until we arrived at our destination because it would literally make her sick. When we were learning how to drive we were only allowed to make right turns, so we would drive around the block making all right turns. The older I get the more fears I have. I used to think my life was safe, that I had everything under control. Since Kamber's passing it has become very clear to me that we live in a dangerous time. We need to be vigilant about who we let near our children and grandchildren. We need to be careful with what they watch and who they listen to. I know sometimes we have no control over what happens to us, the trials we have to go through, but some things we bring on ourselves. I think we can live a full life without becoming paranoid, but as we look around the world there are some really scary things happening. I have a witch that sits in my entryway during Halloween. Troy won't even come down the hall anymore so he goes out the front door of Mindi's and rides his bike all around the house to avoid her. I try to tell him that she is so cute and so nice, but he doesn't believe me. I wonder where he gets that from?

"Brightness of Hope"

I have been so tired since returning from my trip to Utah. I don't know how people travel across the world and through all different time zones. This little trip to Utah has about killed me. Anyway, since I have been home it has been a struggle to get back to my normal routine sleeping and housework included. I would even say I have been a little bit "down in the dumps." My Mom even keeps asking me what's wrong with me. I never really do know what is bouncing around in my brain and why at times I am an emotional wreck. I kept waking up every two hours during the night and a scripture kept coming into my mind. I finally got up and looked it up in my Book of Mormon. It is 2 Nephi 31:20 it says, "Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men." It seems like lately I am "without hope." WHY? I can logically tell myself that I have so many blessings, the gospel, my family, my home and all my earthly possessions. Then why don't I feel hopeful for the future? Rich and I have talked about it a lot lately, everything in our lives are changing. We are getting older and can't do what we used to. Our ward has changed with many ward members moving out and we also have a new Bishopric. Many of the changes are good but some are hard on us. Knowing that we have to wait a lifetime to see Kamber is painful. Because of the economy our business has taken a hit and it is hard to see Rich work his butt off and we still find it hard to make it. How are other people making it when they don't even have a job or any work? All these things keep mounting up and because of my personality, (not an eternal optimist,) it weighs me down. I guess I need to just keep memorizing that scripture and keep pressing forward and having a perfect brightness of hope. I need to keep remembering what Elder Ballard said last week, "If our lives are centered in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, nothing else matters."

Deja Vu

Rich and I were talking this morning about how much our lives have changed. Two years ago he was so busy with work and church it was crazy. He was doing a big job in Phoenix and the money was flowing pretty good. Spencer had just graduated from U of A and been drafted by the Denver Broncos which was a dream come true for him. All our children and grandchildren were healthy and happy. Ethan and Jenn were building a beautiful house in east Mesa to hopefully sell someday as an investment. Candi was doing hair and had just given birth to her second son while B.J. stayed home and took care of the home and kids. In July of 2008 our worst nightmare happened when Kamber drowned. It was a time of total chaos for us. We had never been through a trial like that and couldn't believe it was happening to us. People suffer everyday but you never think it will happen to YOUR family. Since then the economy has gone to crap and our business has slowed down to where Rich has taken jobs that he hasn't done in fifteen years. We have been lucky to have survived this long, but who knows how much worse it is going to get. At times I find myself becoming bitter about my life. It doesn't seem fair that you serve and sacrifice your time and talents like we have been asked to do and then be knocked to your knees with trials. I hate it! This happened to us twenty-five years ago when the stock market crashed and there was NO work. We had four little kids and a big house we had just built and I remember Rich hauling wood scraps off construction jobs and selling it to keep us going. As I look back at that I wonder how we survived. Life seemed so simple then. I have been feeling the same way I felt in 1985, the worry, the sadness, the despair, but this time it is different. I have way more things to worry about. As I have been trying to pull myself out of the "toilet" I remembered something President Ballard said last weekend. "If your family is centered in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, whatever happens just doesn't matter." I guess I need to repent and realize that what ever we are going through is for our own good. I hope someday to see the good in all of this.

Reunion Then and Now

On our way to the reunion. The other picture is the last time I went with Rich to his reunion.

The main reason I suffered driving 1200 miles to Utah was to go to Rich's Missionary Reunion with Elder Ballard. I think I have only been there once before and it wasn't that impressive to me. I didn't really know any of the other missionaries except my Brother Len so I was anxious to hear what he had to say this time. The main things I remember about his talk was the warnings he gave us. He talked about how we need to teach our children how to communicate with others. Because of our advanced technology they are on the computer and cell phones texting and they don't really know how to talk to each other. He said that the number of marriages that are in trouble because of pornography is skyrocketing. He warned us about being deceived by those who run scams and investment frauds. He also said that we need to tell our children "We Can Not Afford It." We are living in hard times and if we don't repent as a people the world will get worse. After he had talked he opened it up to questions. I really wanted to ask him a question but was too embarrassed to say anything. I wanted to ask him about Kamber. I wanted him to tell me if it was her time to go or if it was just an accident and that is what happened. My sister-in-law talked to him a little bit about my concerns and he was so kind to her, then as we were walking out of the cultural hall he was walking in. He stood there and talked to us for a while about my concerns. He told us about how he and his wife had lost three of their grandchildren. Two were very young children and one was a 22 year-old returned missionary who was killed in a tragic airplane crash in Cedar City, Utah. He told us to forget about how Kamber died and what could have been done to prevent it. Just know that she is with our Heavenly Father. We don't need to worry about her at all. We need to look at her as a "beacon of light" for our family and that we want to live to be worthy to be with her again. He then went on to talk about some things that the Prophets Joseph Smith and Spencer Kimball taught us about the death of children. He was so kind to us. I was glad I made the trip to be able to talk to an Apostle. It was an experience I will never forget. The trip was hard, I'm still trying to get back to "normal" what ever that is. I'm thankful for the gospel and it's teachings, for the ordinances we have that will bind our family together forever. I know we have a lot of work to do before we will be able to be worthy to join Kamber, I hope we are up for the task.

Shopping in Utah

Rich's comment..."guess who the witch is?"

There were three reasons I went to Utah last week. To see family, go shopping and attend Rich's missionary reunion with President Ballard. When we got there Thursday my sister-in-law Marybeth had a nice dinner for us. We had fun visiting with her and all her children came by to see us except one daughter who lives far away. She is the Relief Society President in her ward and is so very busy. She is an amazing person. Her house is spotless, and I don't know anyone who is more busy serving than she is. I joke that she reminds me of myself, NOT. She was so kind and we left the kids with the grandpas and went shopping at fabric stores and craft stores. It was fun and Utah has the best flannel material ever. We then decided to go to a place called Gardner's Village. It was kind of like a big boutique with tons of shops. They had a Christmas shop, a Quilt shop, a Sign shop and then my favorite, the Sweet shop. They had all kinds of candy including fudge, taffy, caramel apples and chocolate covered sunflower seeds. We had Marybeth and her husband Richard, their daughter Kristi and her four children, Rich and I and my sister Mell and Rich's Mom Beth. It was crazy crowded because all the kids were out of school because of a teacher's convention. There were so many people you could hardly stay on the sidewalks. They had the most amazing women dressed up as witches so we took pictures of as many as we could to get ideas for my Halloween costume. You know, "if the broom fits, fly it." After all the shopping we were so tired so we went back to the hotel and rested until we got ready to go to the reunion. I will tell you about that experience with an Apostle tomorrow.

This witch had a "thing" for Rich.

This is our group as we were leaving the festival.

Pilgramage to Salt Lake

As a young family we used to go to Utah at least once a year to see Rich's family in Richfield and Salt Lake. As our children got older and more involved with school and sports we only made it up there a few times. Rich goes every year for his missionary reunion with President M. Russell Ballard, but because of my fear of flying I haven't gone for a long time. I think one of the last times I flew was to Salt Lake. Last year I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't be left behind this year and I lived up to that promise. Anyway, my sister Mell and her husband Larry love to travel there because he is from Utah and they used to live and teach in the Salt Lake area. After being in the car for four days and sleeping in hotels for five nights, I know now why I haven't gone to Utah in a very very long time. We had a good time and laughed a lot, saw some of the most beautiful country and even made it to the reunion, but I know now that I'm NO spring chicken and I probably won't do that trip again. The first day we went to St. George for our first pit stop and went to see the Temple there. It is a beautiful building with two huge staircases that go up to two doors on either side. I think that must have been the entrance at some time but now they have an entrance with a fountain and the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. As I looked down at one of the flower beds they had planted all purple flowers, I knew that must be for Kamber. The next day we went on to Salt Lake and ended up at "Sweets" which is a candy factory. We didn't take the tour but bought lots of candy to bring home to the family. They make salt water taffy and chocolate covered gummy bears and all sorts of goodies. You can buy their candy everywhere, even at Walmart but it was fun to go to the factory anyway. I will continue my travel report tomorrow, I had some really special experiences.

Me in front of the St.George Temple

I thought this was neat with the flag and the steeple.

"Kamber's" purple flower bed.

This was the biggest, prettiest flower I have ever seen.