Whale or Mermaid?

My sister sent me an e-mail of a story of a woman in France who when she went to the gym found a poster with a young, thin and tan woman in the window. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?" A middle aged woman, who didn't look like the woman on the poster responded publicly to this question. She then goes on to tell the difference between a whale and a mermaid. Whales are surrounded by friends, dolphins, sea lions, and curious humans. They play and swim in the seas and they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world. On the other hand Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would have to go to the shrink to find out if they are fish or human. They can't have children and who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store? Anyway, I have decided that I want to be a whale. "The media puts it into our heads that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my grand kids, a good dinner with my husband, and a piece of chocolate with my friends." (okay, a pound of See's).
A few years ago after I tried diet pills, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, not to mention starving and B-12 shots, I decided I was going to have lap band surgery. I made an appointment with the surgeon and went on a trip I would soon regret. After having the pre-surgery blood work, colonoscopy, endoscopy, mammogram, pap smear, liver scan and heart stress test, I was able to go to step three which was the diet. For two weeks all I could have was chicken breast, broth and protein shakes. I became so sick with diarrhea and was so light headed I couldn't even put a full sentence together, so they let me add vegetables and salads. Anyway, after those two weeks I became so depressed I was hoping I would get hit by a truck. Truly, I was two days away from surgery and they told me I would have to take fifteen 500 mg. of antibiotics the day before surgery and give myself shots in the stomach of heparin so I didn't have a blood clot after surgery. I remember walking around with a black cloud hanging over me. I have a good friend who came over to color my hair. She took one look at me and said, "Are you sure you want to go through with this surgery?" I then began to cry and told her what I was feeling and how I would rather die than have surgery. We also didn't have insurance so Rich was paying cash for all these tests and for my procedure. Anyway, I called my Dad and told him I needed some help. I asked him to give me a blessing that I would know what I should do. He gave me a very simple blessing of love and told me that through "inspiration," I would know what my Heavenly Father wanted me to do. I was so confused now. I realized that I had done all the preparation and Rich had spent so much money to get me to this point and was I just scared? Anyway, the next day was Sunday and I decided that even though I was a mess I would still go to church. During the Relief Society lesson, I still remember who was teaching, this feeling came over me that I should NOT have the surgery. It was that simple, no whistles, bells, balloons or anything else, just a warm feeling that at this time I should not have this surgery. I can't explain the relief I felt, I knew in my heart that my prayers had been answered and I knew it would be hard to call the surgeon and tell them I changed my mind. I know there were members of my family who were disappointed in my decision and didn't understand the "hell" I had been through, but I was true to the answer I had received that day. I know that being overweight isn't healthy but since then I have wondered why? Was it because Heavenly Father knew Kamber was going to pass away and I was going to be needed to help? Maybe something would have happened. I don't know the reason but maybe some day I will. At the end of this little story about the whale and the mermaid she says, "With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today,when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, " Good grief, look how smart I am!" I thought this was a cute little story. It made me laugh, and Rich even got a little chuckle out of it. I would like to be a mermaid, but I will have to make the most of being a whale.

Keeping Busy!

This week has been a little bit less hectic for us but we are still busy. I try to stay busy because if I have too much spare time I become a little bit "in the toilet." We had an adult Family Home Evening here on Monday night with the single adults. I spent all day cleaning my house and the Bishop and his darling family came and did the lesson, games and refreshments. It was so fun but we had a problem; only two singles came, and one was a friend of mine I had invited a month ago. I was so discouraged when I went to bed, and I am confused at why these people wouldn't want to come to a clean house and have some yummy cookies and milk. Anyway, Rich has known that for the last couple of weeks, okay months, okay 20 months, I have been struggling with the loss of our Angel grand daughter. He mentioned that there was a good article in the Mormon Times about death. In this article it talks about how "Children must learn about death." In the "olden days" people would die all the time from accidents and illnesses. He says, "Without death we should not fully understand how much we love those who go. It intensifies our love as nothing else can do." He then goes on to say that "The experience of death is perhaps the greatest experience of love that we can have in this world." We have been really lucky in our family to not have had too many deaths, but as we age and our parents get into their twilight years I know we aren't going to live forever. I have been trying to come up with a way to honor Kamber. I have kicked a few ideas around but nothing seems to jump out and grab me. Maybe it's because it is still too soon. Anyway, I may end up doing something with quilts because of all my grandchildren, she loved them the most. If there is anyone out there who knows of someone who needs a quilt from a grieving grandma, let me know, I will see what I can whip up.

A Week of Learning of Service

This is one of those weeks that I'm glad is behind me. I spent Tues. and Thurs. making green corn tamales. Then Wed. and Fri. were Dave and Mindi's birthdays so that's always fun. I helped with a "Mexican Fiesta" ward party last night and I was glad to get home from church and rest this afternoon. Rich had to speak in church today, "High Council Sunday," so that stresses us out also. When I went to bed last night I was so tired. We had decorated the church at 9:00 a.m. and then went to the store and bought the ingredients for the corn salsa and the punch I was in charge of. Then I came home and Mindi and I made the salsa before going to a bridal shower for a darling girl in our ward getting married in March. I came home from the shower and rested until it was time to head to the church to get the food ready for our party at 6:30. We had a good turn out and I felt like it was a success. I went to bed at about 10:30 p.m. and Rich was in his office working on his talk. I woke up at 2:00 a.m. and he was still in the office. When he came to bed at 2:45 I mumble something to him about how late it was and all he said was, "make sure I'm up by 5:00 a.m. because I have a meeting at 6." I remember thinking, "it's not my responsibility to get your butt out of bed," and then remember just watching the clock until I heard his alarm go off and him get up and in the shower. After he left I never really got back to sleep. I was worried about his lack of sleep and the stress I knew he was under. I have a terrible fear of public speaking, and flying in air planes, driving a car and on and on, so when my family are doing those things I'm afraid of, it makes me have anxiety for them. Anyway, that is why I'm glad last week is over. I have been thinking lately about how much time and energy it takes to be a member of the church. I know it goes back to the whole obedience, sacrifice and then consecration thing. Our lesson in Relief Society today was about how we have our agency to choose what we are going to do. We can't control the consequences of our choices, but we still have our ability to choose. As I was getting ready for church I started thinking about the loss of Kamber. I don't know why Sundays always make me think of her and her short life. Anyway, I don't really know what happened that day but I need to make a choice to "move on". I know acceptance is the last stage of grief, and I don't know if it will take two months, two years, or longer than that, but I am determined to not let it ruin the rest of my life. To keep me stuck in a place I don't want to be in. Rich's talk was on "Service," taken from the conference talk by Pres. Monson, "What Have I Done for Someone Today?" I'm going to try and do better about finding someone in need and helping them. Maybe that will help me heal the wound in my heart. It's worth a try.

Sharing our Time and Talents

It is interesting how every experience I have teaches me a lesson. We have an amazing group of sisters in our ward. A few of us got together today to learn how to make green corn tamales from an expert. There were seven of us who started working on them at 9:00 a.m. and we didn't finish until almost 2:00 p.m. I have always enjoyed receiving these tamales from Kelly every Christmas but I have never attempted to make them myself. I can do things when told but have a hard time just reading and following directions. Anyway, I had NO idea how much work these delicious little morsels are. In my life I have had parents who were so good about providing me with a nice home and good food and a safe environment to grow up in. When I married Rich he took over those responsibilities and he has worked really hard to provide our family with a nice home and good food and the necessities of life. I guess what I am trying to say is that until you do the work, you really don't realize the sacrifice it takes. At times I have been so ungrateful for all that the Lord has blessed me with. I think I sometimes have a "sense of entitlement" that it is owed to me to have those things provided for me. We all have the responsibility to share our time and talents with others and it was so fun to get together with these wonderful women who pitched in and did everything asked of them. We are all born with different talents that we need to share with others. I marvel at the musical talent of some of my friends and family. When I see others do things that are so hard for me to do I am so amazed. Sometimes I feel like I'm too old to find a new hobby or start a new project but after today I have a new perspective of sharing what knowledge we do have with others. I appreciate all those who have taught me so many things during my life, it has truly made me a better person.

Happy Birthday to Kamber!

I have to tell you that it is an interesting experience to go to a birthday party for someone who has passed away. Especially when it is your own grandchild. That is exactly what we did on Wed. February 10. We met at the cemetery to decorate Kamber's grave. I found the cutest purple and yellow butterfly to add to Jenn's yellow pinwheels and Spencer and Annie's live yellow and purple flowers. Anyway, the kids are always so excited to see their cousins and friends that it gets a little bit out of control. Rich felt we should have been way more reverent than we were, but when you get that many people it's hard to keep it spiritual. After the kids wrote notes to Kamber on their balloons and let them go we went to Ethan and Jenn's and had dinner, cake and ice cream. They even had a pinata for the kids to break open and fill their sacks with candy. It was a happy birthday for a special little girl that is loved and missed by lots of people. I have to say that every year when it leads up to her birthday and her death date it really does a number on me. I am sooooooo tired of being sad. I am also just plain worn out trying to make sense of it all. Sometimes I feel like I'm coming to grips with everything but most of the time there is just a constant sadness. Will I ever be okay with the fact that Kamber is gone? Will I ever really believe that it was "her time to go?" Will I ever stop worrying about the rest of the "soon to be thirteen" gtrandkids and wonder when the next illness or accident will happen? It seems like this mortal life is going by way to fast and the older I get, the more questions I have. Is life out of control for everyone or just me? I want to be able to get a good nights sleep and wake up with the energy to get through my day with a "perfect brightness of hope." I have realized that I have no control over most situations in my life. I am a "control freak" by nature but I think this adversity has made me give up most of the control. I can't even control my own thoughts let alone what my husband, kids, grand kids and others do or say. I am thankful for the gospel and my testimony that the Savior lives and that he knows my heart. He knows when I am struggling and hopefully he is watching over our family. We are far from perfect and we are surely aware of that, but I think we are moving closer to him everyday. I hope Kamber is aware of our feelings for her and knows what a big part she plays in our lives. We celebrate her birth and are so thankful for the two plus years we were blessed to spend with her. We want to live our lives so we can be with her someday.

Me with my 7 grand kids that made it to the cemetery.

A Mustard Seed of Faith

I found out yesterday that a dear friend of mine had suffered a tragic loss. As I visited with her about what had happened I heard in her voice a sense of sadness, confusion, bewilderment, and just plain "what the bleep" just happened. It took me back nineteen months ago when I got the word that Kamber was gone. I will never forget the thoughts and confusion that set in as I tried to wrap my brain around that tragic accident. I have been thinking a lot lately about how as mortals we really don't see the big picture. I think I know that we lived in Heaven before coming to earth, and that after a specific time of learning, living and having trials, we will return to live in Heaven again. But, I can't really comprehend what is going to happen when I take my last breath here. I try to exercise my "mustard seed" of faith and hope that my loved ones who have already passed on will be there to greet me, but maybe I will be in spirit prison with people I don't even know. We all got together last night so Candi could do her "Larsen family haircut extravaganza" and as we were talking about things in our lives, Spencer brought up the fact that when Joseph Smith saw where we would go after death, he couldn't believe how wonderful it was. Tomorrow we will celebrate Kamber's fourth birthday. Hopefully she will see all her extended family at the cemetery and at Ethan and Jenn's home thanking our Heavenly Father for the two and a half short years we were able to enjoy her. She was a pistol and we would give anything in our power to experience all those things we should be able to while she was growing up. Unfortunately, that wasn't the pathway she would walk. We understand that at any minute life can change. I was so spiritually unprepared for this experience. I know our family has been changed with this accident and hopefully we will be able to help others who must walk in our footsteps. As I told my friend yesterday, it will take months and months to be able to fully understand and even then it is a long, long journey

that she has just started.

My Own Worst Enemy

The weeks are going by so fast that I don't feel like I'm getting anything accomplished. Every week seems to have it's ups and downs and some weeks just seem like all downs. We have had so many birthdays and baby showers, bridal showers and wedding receptions. Now our family is excited about a mission call. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with my life that I wish I could just take off by myself and sit in a chair at the beach and watch the waves come in and out. The problem is, I don't really like the beach and I hate having sand all over my body. Those who know me well understand my love for animals. I don't enjoy petting them or holding them and it is even a chore to go out twice a day to feed them. I feel like maybe I just like having them and collecting them. I traded 4 baby sulcata tortoises for 4 black silky chickens a few months ago. I didn't really need more chickens, but I felt I should be compensated for my generosity. Well as it turned out the 4 chickens who were supposed to be hens ended up being roosters. For the last couple of weeks I have layed awake at night listening to all these roosters crow from about 3:30 a.m. on. On Wed. morning I got up at 6:00 a.m. and went down and woke Mindi up and made her go out and help me catch these roosters because I was going to send them "down the river!" Anyway, I finally got in touch with the girl who traded them to me in the first place and went and took them to her. I felt like to save them from the stew pot I needed to make her take them back. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. My life would be much simpler if I did just live alone with one dog and one cat, or maybe just one fish. Maybe my problem is that I'm still that 14 year old rebellious teenager who doesn't want to hear "you can't have that or shouldn't do that, or maybe I shouldn't feel like that." Anyway, I'm sure I have some very unhealthy psychological problem causing my behavior but "it is what it is." I hope in heaven they will let me take care of the animals. I think it will be easier up there.

So Long Roosters!

Glad it's Over

We had a fun day on Saturday with our family celebrating my Dad's 81st birthday. He and my Mom came from their home in Scottsdale and we went out to watch Tristyn play in her first club volleyball tournament of the year. It is always fun to see your grand kids do stuff your kids used to do. We then went out to Fuddruckers for dinner. After dinner most of the extended family came to our house for cake and ice cream and then we gave him the quilt. He didn't seem as excited as I thought he would be, but my Mom loved it. We probably should have done it for both of their birthdays since she will be turning 81 in November. Anyway, between the stress of making the quilt, cleaning my house, having his party and church yesterday, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I guess it is normal, kind of like Christmas or a wedding or something that we put a lot of time and energy into, that when it's over there is this "let down" of sorts. Anyway, I am just thankful it is over and I survived. Now we need to move on to the next big event. Rich was recently put on the High Council and so he is super busy again with church obligations. Most of them don't require anything of me, but some do. He informed me yesterday that we will be having a single adult family home evening here at my house on Feb. 22. There again, I don't have to do anything except get my house clean, but that is a chore and it stresses me out. I admire people who have the "sunny disposition" and never complain or murmmur about what is wrong in their lives, but that isn't who I am. I am so blessed to even have a house at this point in time, and that Rich has a little work is the icing on the cake, but I'm tired. I was thinking yesterday that I want to go away somewhere. Is there somewhere you can go that doesn't cost any money, you don't have to drive or fly in an airplane, and the weather is perfect? If you know of the place let me know and I will go with you. I will be waiting to here from you!