First Responders

Mindi had to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. so I get to take care of the four Moser children and try and get them off to school without any crying or drama. Since Monday it has given me time to reflect on this little "bump in the road," that Rich calls adversities, and come to grips with the emotional part of the loss of a pregnancy. As I have mentioned, I was the same age and just about as far along in my pregnancy as Mindi is when I miscarried. I remember driving myself out to Desert Samaritan to have my ultrasound. Where was my husband and Mom or anyone? I still look back at my experience and how totally clueless I was. Anyway, that was 24 years ago and I have survived and had a pretty full life watching my four children struggle through their teen years, get married and now raise their own children. Rich and I are thankful for every grandchild we have and know how fragile life is and how fast they can be taken from us. We don't take any of their lives for granted, especially now.
After we got the sad news on Monday we still had some errands to run. One of those errands was to mail the quilt I had made for the young man who passed away in Feb. in a tragic accident. I wanted to get it to the parents by Tues. the 27th because that is his birthday. I went into the post office with this quilt while Mindi waited in the car talking on the phone being consoled by her family and friends. Anyway, the biggest box they had wasn't that big but the guy folded my quilt up and smashed it into the box and taped it shut. As I left I thought of how it was going to look when they opened the box and that quilt pops out. I had visions of it looking like one of those fabric snakes that spring out of the box and scare you when opened. I hope it made it there and it wasn't too wrinkled, it's the thought that counts. I hope they understand the meaning behind all the work.
I remember after Kamber passed away Jenn told me about what her Bishop told her would help her get through the pain of losing her precious girl. He said, "Serve others." As a family we have tried to be more aware of the suffering of others and step in when we can. I remember my brother Len when he dedicated her grave talked about the "first responders," those who show up first to try and help. He then encouraged us all to try and be first responders for others who are going through trials. I will never forget those words of wisdom. Mindi will get through this and will become a better person because of it. So many of her friends have brought by flowers and food, also they have taken Troy to play and to school, I know they really appreciate the outpouring of love they have felt.Thanks to everyone for your kindness. We all need to try more to be the first ones to step in and help. I know I'm talking to myself here too. I know Heavenly Father loves his children and answers prayers. I know we can receive inspiration that helps us in our everyday lives do the right thing. Now say a prayer that I can get these four kids dressed, hair combed, breakfast fed and off to school and live to tell about it!

Mondays, Not My Favorite!

I am not a big fan of Mondays. I often feel like I need a day to rest from Sunday "the day of rest." Anyway, I knew today was going to be busy, so I got up early and did my usual chores and got in the shower and ready for the day. My visiting teachers were coming at 9:00 a.m. so I was pretty proud of myself when they came and I wasn't still in my nightgown. Before Rich left for work he came in and told me that Dave, my son-in-law had found my cat "Patches" dead over by the side of their house. I guess she had been in a fight with something during the night and been mauled pretty bad. Rich was emotional when he told me even though he isn't a big fan of cats. Dave dug a hole under our lemon tree and Rich buried her for me. After my visiting teachers left I went with Mindi to the Doctors for a sonogram. She had seen him last week and he wanted to get a peek at the baby to make sure everything was okay. Mindi hadn't really wanted to tell anyone she was pregnant because she hasn't really felt sick like she did with the other pregnancies and that made me concerned also. I had told her of my experience of having a miscarriage after telling the doctor that I didn't feel normal. Anyway, we did tell a few family members and she told some of her friends that she was expecting in November. During her exam we knew something was wrong. I have gone with a couple of my girls to see their first sonograms and we could always see a heartbeat. This time there was no heartbeat. The girl was so nice and left to go get the doctor, something about "I will let Dr. Huish see these pictures and see if he wants you to get some blood work or something." It must be hard for these people when they know someone is really going to be upset. I decided to take Troy out to the car because he was getting restless and I thought she needed to talk to the doctor without me there. When Mindi came out she was crying and we both had a mini breakdown. We understand that it is for the best, something just wasn't quite right but it is still very sad. It has been exactly twenty-four years since my miscarriage. I was thirty-three years old. Mindi is thirty three also. I was eleven weeks pregnant and my baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. Mindi is 9 weeks and her baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. She has been blessed with four darling children. It would be selfish to not be so grateful that she has been given the opportunity to bring four healthy children into the world. I regret that I never had my last baby. I was not in a mental condition to bring another child into our family. I think Mindi will have the courage to try again. She is one of the strongest and kindest people I know. As we pulled into the neighborhood we stopped to tell her good friend the sad news. As we were talking I said, "we have to go through these trials so we can have empathy for others, if our lives were all rainbows and butterflies, what would we learn?" Her friend then said, "without these experiences we would never progress. We would never have charity." Life will go on, and I'm pretty sure that the sun will come up again tomorrow, at least I hope so.

Christmas picture 2007

We had a ward breakfast this morning so I'm already pooped. We needed to be at the park at 8 a.m. and my job was to move picnic benches from four different houses over to the park and bring garbage cans and liners. This is only the second activity I have had to work on and because my assignment was moving heavy objects it basically meant Rich did my job. It is good to have a supportive husband that has the obedience, sacrifice and consecration thing down. I finished my memorial quilt last night and will mail it on Mon. I got a nice letter from an anonymous person with a gift certificate to thank me for making this quilt. I have been asked why I don't make and sell my quilts at boutiques. First of all, I am not a professional quilter and second, by the time I buy all the material and spend hours sewing people couldn't pay enough money to make it worth me selling them. Who ever sent the gift certificate, THANK YOU! I didn't do it for anything but to honor a son who was tragically lost. I hope it will be received with the love I have meant to share. Because our house has been under construction for a few months I have lots of fine white dust all over everything. I was dusting my pictures in my entry way and as I was wiping our family picture from Christmas 2007 I became so sad. It is the last picture that Kamber was in. I looked at her sitting on Ethan's lap and remembered how hard it was to get her to sit still so we could get a good picture. It has been 21 months since she left us and went back to our Heavenly Father and I have times where I can hardly keep going. I feel like I have a dark cloud that follows me around and as hard as I try it won't go away. Staying busy with quilting and doing the everyday chores helps a little bit, but there is just a constant nagging sadness. I hope someday I will be able to shake it and realize it was a temporary thing, but not quite now. I will forever keep that family portrait where it has been for two plus years, and everytime I look at it I remember what it was like to have her with us.

"Be Careful What You Complain About"

I was up a lot in the night with kidney and bladder pain. At 5:00 a.m. I decided I could just lay in bed and feel sick or get up and get going. When Rich got home from his exercise class I was telling him about all my problems. If it isn't my hip, it's my back, if my back is okay then I get a bladder infection. After I went on and on about all my problems he looked at me and said, "your life is just one big #&%* hole." I then started to laugh when he said, "you really need to be careful about what you complain about," and proceeded to tell me about a family he knows that has some very serious problems. I have to admit I felt ashamed. We have moved into our room but there are still so many things that need to be finished. No toilet paper holder, no towel bars, no mirrors, outlets that are still hanging out of the wall. I love my husband but he has a hard time getting finished, especially when it's me nagging at him. I think he just puts it off to irritate me. Once a year my sister, sister-in-laws and my Mom try to get together and go out for lunch to celebrate all our birthdays. Today we went to Crackers and it was so much fun. I have never been there before and the food was good but the company was extra special. Julie will be leaving for three years soon so we will probably have to wait until she gets home before we do it again. We were there for almost three hours just eating and talking about life. We are all struggling with our own little trials. None of our lives are perfect and none of us would want to change places with anyone else. The older I get the more I am convinced that the adversity in our lives are tailor made for each of us. I was talking to one of my children the other day and expressing my views about life. Everything that I thought would be so terrible if it happened in my family has pretty much happened. Lots of things that I judged other families about has also happened to us. Therefore, when Rich said how I needed to be careful with what I was complaining about it really hit home. As I get older I seem to have regrets about things I have done and haven't done in the past. Then I realize that I did the very best I could with what I was dealing with at the time. All we can do is try everyday to do better. Be kinder to our families and continue to use the Atonement to repent and move forward. At times I get so discouraged with the way I look and feel it becomes almost unbearable. As we were talking today, all we can do is work on ourselves and hopefully that will be enough to get us to where we want to be on the other side.

Finally Moved In!

We had a nice anniversary, stake conference and finally moved into our renovated master bedroom and bathroom. For our anniversary Rich bought Outback and we had a romantic, ha ha dinner at home and watched the Blindside. On Sat. we were busy trying to finish our rooms so we could move in, but because Rich had meetings most of the day that didn't happen. After conference and dinner we had Mindi and Dave help us move our heavy furniture and then I have spent the last two days moving all the little stuff and organizing our bathroom. I wasn't given organization skills, so I struggle a lot when putting stuff away. It is amazing how much JUNK you accumulate, I found items that I knew I had but had lost track of. We have still been showering in the other bathroom but this morning I decided it was time to give our new shower a whirl. It has two shower heads and new knobs so I was a little confused when trying to get hot water and do I really need TWO shower heads on me at the same time? I know I am quite large but it probably isn't necessary. We also have see through glass doors instead of the glass block in our old shower. That can't be a pretty sight so I made sure I locked both doors before I disrobed, it would scare someone if they walked in. It has been exactly ten months since the flood and we moved 25 feet down the hall to the guest room. It feels good to be back and I have noticed a difference in my sleep, hopefully this will be an answer to prayer. My brother Len was released as the Stake President of the Highland Stake this past weekend. He dropped by on Sunday to bring a family picture to replace the super outdated one I have in my entry way. He actually had a smile on his face and sat and visited with us for about a half hour. I am so happy for him because he seems so excited to leave for his mission to Kenniwick, Washington. Hopefully we will be able to spend a little time with him before they leave. I need to finish a couple of quilts and get ready for my 40th high school reunion next week. Life is busy and sometimes manageable I feel extremely blessed to have a nice home, great family and the gospel in my life.

Has It Really Been 34 Years?

Talk about a corny picture. Today is our 34th wedding anniversary. I can't believe it has been that long. Most everyone knows that Rich and I met while he was my brother Len's missionary trainer in Ontario Canada. He had a girlfriend in Utah and I had a boyfriend when I left for BYU in 1973. After my grandmother passed away I came home for her funeral and I just wasn't feeling it with my guy. Rich's girlfriend had decided that she couldn't wait two years and Dear Johned him around the same time. Anyway, the rest is history as we started writing while he was on his mission and I was recuperating at home from a broken knee. I will not say that we have had a blissful trial free marriage as we both have extremely strong opinions and expect things to go our way. It has been a battle but because we have both kept the covenants we made in the Temple on April 16, 1976 we are still together. When we were first married we would go out with friends that we thought were really happy. They are all divorced now and we have been able to keep it together despite our differences. I admire couples who I see who say they have never had an argument or an unkind word spoken between them, but that isn't the Greer way, at least this Greer. Anyway, enough about that. I am so proud of Rich. He is one of the strongest people I know. Two weeks ago he decided to work out at the gym he just built. He would get up at 4:00 a.m. and get home by 6:30, shower go to work for ten to twelve hours, and he committed to do that for ten weeks. Ethan and I both bet $20 he wouldn't last a couple of days, but he will finish his second week tomorrow. If he decides to do something by dang he will get it done. As I have written about before, our master bathroom flooded while we were up at girl's camp last June. We have been sleeping in the spare bedroom at the end of the hall and next to his office. We also have to use the bathroom that runs off of Mindi's house which means we sometimes run out of hot water. I'm not complaining, (yes I am) but darn it, I'm married to probably one of the best contractors in the state and we are still at the end of the hall. He promised me that he would have me in today so I'm holding my breath until it happens. We have been really blessed in the 34 years with a great posterity. With four children and soon to be fifteen grandchildren we know the huge responsibility that comes with each and every person in our family. We miss Kamber every single day and hope to be worthy to see her on the other side. I look at my parents who will have their 60th wedding anniversary in November and I know their life hasn't always been butterflies and rainbows. My Dad does kid around when he says, "60 years with the wrong woman." I think that is what Rich is thinking today, "how have I spent 34 years with the wrong woman?" I know he loves me because he has put up with me for all this time. I hope he knows how much I love and appreciate all he does for me. Happy Anniversay!

Words I Hate To Hear

I have been putting the finishing touches on my third memorial quilt and hope to mail it next week. There is a special spirit I feel when working on a quilt to honor someone who has been tragically taken from their family. As I was resting this afternoon and watching the news, they reported that there had been two more drownings or near drownings today. I get so tired of hearing "watch your kids around water" that I think I'm going to scream. Then when I hear about another child lost, it puts me in such a bad place. Because we have "been there and done that" it makes it even that much more painful. We know how these families are feeling. We know the despair and sadness that comes with these accidents. We know what it is like to hear it on the news. We know the heartache of planning a funeral and the toll it takes financially, emotionally and spiritually. We know that these families are in for a long road of grief before it will get even a little bit better. When we were building our pool my Dad was so worried that someone would end up drowning he would call all the time so worried. I assured him that we would have a fence and we would do everything in our power to not let anything happen. That is really all you can do, and so far we have been lucky. But what about the trampoline, the motorcycle, the skateboard and the BB guns? Mindi's kids have been so good to not go in the pool area without an adult. There has been an occasional time, usually at the beginning of the summer when they are so excited to see if the pool is getting warm enough to swim, I have caught them where they shouldn't be. All in all though they understand the danger of letting the little ones in that can't swim. The summer is just starting and hopefully no more families will have to experience what we have. I guess all we can do is pray for the safety of our children and grandchildren all the time. This week in Relief Society our lesson was on the Holy Ghost and Prayer. I know there have been several times that I have heard a voice warn me of danger. I also know that I have received inspiration after praying. After Kamber passed away these gifts have become way more important to me and I don't take them for granted anymore. I know that my Heavenly Father loves his children and wants us to be happy. The trials are all part of his plan to help us return to him, this I believe.

Enjoy Life Now, It Has An Expiration Date

My sister sent me a cute little story about a guy who grew up in a family where his father and mother never owned a car. I guess he hit a horse when he was twenty five. So after that they walked everywhere they went until his brother turned 16 and they bought a car. When his mother was 45 she decided it was time for her to learn how to drive, in the cemetery, so after that she drove and the husband navigated. They told the boys that they did really well because they never made left turns. They had read that most accidents older driver have are while making left turns. Three right turns are the same as a left. As I was reading this little story it reminded me of my mother. When we were learning how to drive she wouldn't let us make left turns either. I grew up in Scottsdale between McDowell and Thomas and Miller and Scottsdale Rd. My Mom would stand out in front and watch us back out and make a right turn on Miller and then we went to Scottsdale Rd. and so forth... When we go to visit she still stands outside and watches us drive up Holly St. and turn right on Miller waving until we are out of sight. I have often talked about the break down I had in 1986 after I suffered a miscarriage. When I would drive, for some reason it brought on lots of symptoms, dizziness, a spinning sensation, sweaty hands and panic attacks. I fought these feelings for a few years, and even had an operation on my ear where they cut my ear off and drilled a hole behind my ear into my skull to see if there was something causing my symptoms. Of course they found nothing. When Mindi turned 15 1/2 I was teaching her how to drive and it became clear that I was better suited for a passenger than the driver. It was probably a huge mistake not to fight through the symptoms and to give up, but it just became too painful for me to fight the fear. I know it bothers a few people in my family that I don't drive and they blame Mindi for enabling me by driving me where I need to go. Unless you have been there, you really don't have the right to judge. At the end of this little story he talks about how his Dad lived to be over 100 and the Mother well into her 90's. He talked about how he missed them and was so happy they had lived as long as they did. He left a little quote, it says:

Life is too short to wake up with regrets
So love the people who treat you right
Forget about the one's who don't
Believe everything happens for a reason
If you get a chance, take it and if it
changes your life, let it..
Nobody said life would be easy,
they just Promised it would most likely be worth it."

ENJOY LIFE NOW, IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE!

"Variable Clouds, with a Promise of Sunshine?"

For the last couple of years Mindi and I have been picking up beads and misc. jewelry making supplies but never really had the time to sit down and create a masterpiece. Well, we finally just stayed home a couple of days this week and strung our beads. It is kind of like quilting because you have to decide what color of beads you are going to use and then start putting them all together in a pattern. It was also relaxing and very low stress, something I have needed this week. I had gone into such a deep hole earlier in the week that I felt I needed to get back to the basics. Reading scriptures, saying prayers, trying to exercise and being better at showing gratitude. I went into my sewing room and grabbed a book to read. I didn't have my glasses on but I took the pretty light blue one on the middle shelf. It is called, "Variable Clouds, Occasional Rain, with a Promise of Sunshine." It is an easy reading little book published in 1986 by Paul H. Dunn. The second chapter talks about the morning. He says that there was a time in his life that he wasn't sure if he would live to see the sun come up again. The nights before the dawn are really long. Then he goes on to say that sometimes we may feel that we are the only ones who have these kinds of nights, but we aren't. "Who can live in this challenging world and not have a few bumps and doubts along the way? Waking up in the middle of the night and worrying about one thing or another is part of being human." I couldn't believe that out of all the books and reading material I have in my house I would pick this one up especially at this time. It seems like since Kamber passed away I have a really hard time finding any kind of joy in my life. Even though I still have a great husband, a nice house, four children and their spouses and twelve, soon to be fifteen grandchildren, this one experience has clouded my vision. It has sent me in to a place I never knew existed. I remember talking with Elder Ballard in October and him saying that we need to just forget about Kamber. What? How do we forget about her. I think he was more concerned about us dwelling on her death and not our eternal salvation. He said, "she has it made, it is you that needs to work really hard to be worthy to be with her again." At times I do wonder if I can make it through another day. I know others are going through horrible trials, devastating illnesses and heartbreaking tragedies. I just need to remember that, "as surely as the sun sets, it rises again... and again.. and again, and with each new dawn comes a new start, a clean slate, and a chance for a new beginning. Thank goodness for a new day and an opportunity to forget yesterday. Every new day brings a fresh start, and every new morning brings new hope." That is what I am striving for HOPE!

New Day, New Bunny

Wow it's Thurs. and it doesn't seem like I have accomplished much this week. I have had a hard week with mood problems but that seems to be a little better today. I called the guy who I bought my little grey rabbit from and told him of his tragic demise. I asked him if he had any more of his rabbits. He said he had two females that cost $120. I told him that was way too much for me to spend and that I would keep checking on Craigslist. He then said, "well, I have one white female that has something wrong with her leg. She acts fine but won't put any weight on it." He sold her to me for almost nothing and we brought her home. I think she is crippled but I don't mind having a handicapped bunny. As we got home I said, "Mindi, thank you for taking me to get this little rabbit. I think I am slowly crawling out of the toilet, I'm just about to the top." Mindi quickly said, "Mom I'm happy, now let's just see if we can at least get you sitting on the lid." I thought that was pretty funny. She is a wonderful daughter. I received a request for a quilt for a couple who lost their son in a tragic accident in Feb. of this year. I don't know the family but decided yesterday to start on this quilt. I think it is going to be way cute. Anyway, in this letter the person who sent it said that my daughter-in-law Jenn went to school with this young man. We googled his name and looked at the pictures of him and there was a wonderful video about his life. He looked like a special person. Jenn said she knew his older brother and that they lived in the area where she grew up. This young man was killed in a motorcycle accident in Tucson when someone turned in front of him, at least that is what the paper said. As I was trying to fall asleep last night I kept thinking about all those motorcyclists that were killed when that dump truck slammed into them up in Carefree. What a tragic loss of life for these people and the young man I am making the memory quilt for. We never know when something will happen. I feel like we need to constantly be prepared spiritually to handle it, but even when you are doing all you can it still sends you down a long road of sadness. Life is brutal, but there is a lot of happiness in there also. As long as the sun keeps coming up every morning I will try to do the best I can to make the most of what I have been blessed with. That is all I have to offer right now.

The Sun Is Still Coming Up!

Just like I knew it would, the sun came up again today. After posting my blog yesterday and reading it again I realize that I was sleep deprived, hungry, disappointed and just plain old pissed off. Rich has decided to do an exercise program at the gym that he worked on all last week to finish. It starts at 5:15 a.m. and he has to drive to Chandler to do it. I am not a morning person and he has often commented to me that I am a grizzly bear in the morning. Even though he tries to be quiet it still wakes me up and then I can't go back to sleep. My mind gets the best of me and I can't turn it off. I'm not using that as an excuse to be in a bad mood, but it doesn't help. I have talked a lot about my love for animals. I have always had a sensitive heart when it comes to them. I remember as a young child going to the White Mountains to visit my grandparents. This was our only vacation of the summer. On one of these trips there was a stray dog running on the side of the road around Show Low and my Dad made a comment about the "poor dog that didn't have a home." Pretty soon they looked in the back of our Rambler station wagon and I was crying and begging to turn the car around and pick up the dog. I have already talked about my rabbit that dug a hole and the dirt collapsed on his head and he died. Well, I found a guy that had a baby rabbit that he was willing to sell cheap because it's foot was turned out and he wouldn't be able to sell him for full price. I was so happy to replace my one that had died. I put him out in the cage with my other rabbit and they became instant friends. Well, yesterday when I went out to do my chores I found my new baby rabbit eaten from the back end up with only his head left. He must have dug out of the pen. I looked over to the female dog and she looked so guilty. I was so upset if I had a weapon and knew how to use it, she would be dead. Instead I called my son and told him the dog had to go. I can't tell you how many animals these dogs have killed. I don't know why some dogs are so docile with chickens and rabbits and others are just blood thirsty killers, but after they killed two chickens last week and my rabbit yesterday, I am finished with them. They say once an animal tastes blood you can never break them from killing. Hopefully they will find a good home somewhere else. At times I wish I could run away from myself, go on an extended vacation, become invisible, something to take away the sadness and heartache I feel sometimes. But, I know the only way to get over it is to pass through the fire. I never know when the sadness will hit, and it doesn't help when I have other conflicts and other problems to deal with. Anyway, I am rambling on again and not making any sense so I am going to keep trudging along on this pathway I have chosen to walk and hope that the sun will keep coming up until I get it right.

Conference, Easter and Birthdays

I always love it when we have conference. It was eight hours of sitting in my pajamas watching t.v. eating a bowl of popcorn. Okay, I was just kidding about the popcorn. Even though I love conference I always feel a sort of sadness or depression when it's over. I can't really put my finger on why, but it happens every six months when we hear all that is expected of us as members of the church. This year was different because it was also Easter Sunday. I didn't have to shop all week trying to find my "Easter bonnet with all the frills upon it." I felt like they talked a lot about Mothers and how we are suppose to be so nurturing, and good examples to our children. There again, I fall very short of that quality. So, I guess that is my answer for the after conference "in the toilet syndrome" I always experience. Brookies's birthday was on Sat. and Ethan's is on Thurs. so because we were getting together for Easter we decided to celebrate both of their special days. Brookie has played an extremely important role in our family, at least she has for me. She was only three months old when Kamber passed away and I remember how I would look at her and thank Heavenly Father that we had her to make us have a reason to get up every morning. Ethan is also a very special person because he is my oldest son after two daughters. He has been a challenge to deal with, but I know he has a "heart of pure gold." As a Mother I have always tried to help my kids realize that the behavior they have at this moment might come back to bite them on their butts later on, but still they have their choice to do what they want. I have a good counselor that always tells me that my children have to "walk their own pathway, whatever that is." It has always been so hard for me to shut my mouth and let them make mistakes. Rich says my favorite word is "NO", and he is probably right. So I have decided to just keep my opinions to myself from now on and try to concentrate on my own personal growth. Maybe it will save me a bunch of grief, at least I hope so. I have also decided to just have one blog from now on. At the time I started my Grandma's Angel Blog I thought maybe others would want to share their grief and heartache, but it has been too hard to express myself in one blog let alone two. I also realized that I have no expertise or training to be able to help anyone with their journey through the trials they have been asked to go through. I know that we are all struggling through something and if we aren't right now we will be at some point in our lives. I have tried to be honest with my feelings and opinions and at times that has come back and used against me and out of context. I have also been told that at times I maybe give too much information about myself. I hope everyone knows that anything I say is strictly my opinion and that I'm as broken and flawed as everyone else, probably more. I loved it at the very start of conference when President Monson said, "To those of you who are struggling with challenges, disappointments problems and loses, WE love you and pray for you." I know he was talking to me. The tears I shed were because of the spirit I felt.

Good Friday

Being a member of the LDS Church we don't celebrate Good Friday like the other Christian religions. To me it has always just been a hard day because the kids were out of school and bugging me about who they could have over and where could they go. I'm living that life again through Mindi's kids. She does way better than I did being the Kool Aid Mom and her kids have been busy with friends all day long. It makes me sooooo tired watching her. This has been a hard week, but now a days all my weeks are hard. I'm just waiting to see what the next challenge will be. Rich and I were married on a Good Friday thirty four years ago, so it always seems like our anniversary around Easter. Our real anniversary is April 16, just after Tax Day, stupid move on our part. He has had a horrible week at work trying to finish a fitness club that HAS to open tomorrow. He's been getting up at 4:00 a.m. and leaving by 6:00 to get to the job. He hasn't been home before 8:00 p.m. all week. It must be weird not seeing your house in the daylight for a whole week. The later it gets the more depressed I become. I worry that he is killing himself. When he was younger he could do it without any problem, but as he has reached his 50's I have watched him walk in all hunched over, go straight to the bathroom to shower, maybe read a little bit of the paper and get in bed. Sometimes he has church meetings and then I really feel bad for him trying to stay awake during those. It's hard to complain about having too much work when there are so many people out of work. There was a time at the end of last year when we didn't know if we were going to be able to keep our house or pay our bills. Rich has mentioned how bad he feels for all the construction workers who are "flat starving to death." At times I feel guilty that I haven't worked during our marriage to help with the expenses. I tried to work until I had three kids and they hated going to the babysitter and I realized I couldn't do both, I wasn't a Supermom like my Mother was. When the Prophet came out and said that mothers should stay at home if it was possible, that was my answer. I do wish sometimes that I had been able to have a career, to go out and make money doing something I loved and was good at. I spent six years in college and never used my degree. I guess I used my education degree to teach my own kids, sometimes I didn't even do a good job at that. Anyway, here I sit on a Friday night alone having a pity party while my husband burns the midnight oil, it's another Good Friday come and gone, at least we are still together and have a home and family to share. Rich always says, "some days are diamonds and some are stones," I'm waiting for that diamond day to come along.

Has It Really Been 40 Years?

I got a call from a friend from the past a couple of weeks ago that I haven't seen for at least six years, and even then it was just coming out of a restaurant. She wanted to make sure I knew about our 40 year high school reunion and that she wanted me to come. WOW! How can it be possible that I graduated from high school 40 years ago? Actually, it hasn't been that long I graduated from Coronado High School the class of 1971. The reunion is for the years 1969-1971. My older sister was a graduate of '69 so she and I are going together, it should make it a little less scary and at least I will recognize one person. So yesterday Mindi and I went shopping trying to find just the right outfit or should I say "get up" to wear to this glorious event. I was telling her how I needed to find something that makes me look skinny and hide the many pounds I have put on since I was 18 years old. When I looked over at her reaction it was a "how in the hell are we going to pull that one off" kind of look on her face. It has been weird thinking about going to see people from your childhood and wondering what they look like now. How has life treated them? What kinds of trials and adversities have they had to go through? As I was talking to Denise on the phone, I told her my insecurities about seeing my classmates. She said that she knew there are people coming in wheel chairs and all other kinds of problems, so I guess I will fit right in. I remember going to my ten year and how it was just awkward with the alcohol and everyone trying to show off cleavage. I think this will be different. I hope after 40 years we have matured enough to just enjoy the evening and be glad we are all still alive. I hate these social events because it brings out all my anxieties, but since I have been through one of the hardest things in life you can go through, I should be able to a handle an evening will some harmless senior citizens at the zoo. Does it really matter what I look like now anyway?