After Christmas Stupor

I've been in a stupor since Christmas trying to put up all my decorations and get my house back together. Thanks to Spencer who came over on Saturday and pulled all the boxes down and then after we filled them back up he climbed up on the ladder and put them up in my closet. The only thing I have left to do is my tree and I dread taking all the ornaments off. So I am waiting until I get in the mood which will hopefully happen soon. The weather has taken a nosedive and so I've been worrying about my animals and trying to keep everything warm and alive. Another winter blast is coming our way tomorrow, so I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do it when it gets down below freezing at night. I hate the cold and the heat, maybe Hawaii is the place for me, but then I'm surrounded by shark infested water and that scares me too. For Christmas I only wanted two things, neither of which I got. They weren't expensive but just something I wanted to happen. My goal for the New Year is to live in moment and try to see the good in everyone I have a relationship with. I wish I could see others how the Savior does, then it would be so much easier to understand why they are the way they are. I also want to have more compassion on myself and change the things I don't like about myself and accept the things I can't change. it seems like year after year I'm working on the same goals but there never seems to be any change, I wonder if 2015 will be a better year for goal achievement. It was so nice to have all my kids and grandkids here for Christmas. Spencer and his family will be heading back to Boston next week and then when their house sells they will be moving to Montana. He thinks it is so much closer but to me it's still too far, but I know they are inspired to live where they do, so they don't need my blessing to live in Montana, that won't ever happen. Before we opened presents on Christmas morning I had each family stand in front of our tree for a photo. I also had some taken of the grand kids. They were a little bit tired and wild but I'm still glad we did it.

"Next Year Lets Start In November"

Mindi came in this morning and said, "we need to start in November so it isn't like this every year."  Yea, that would be nice but in November we are dealing with pomegranates and Thanksgiving. We had our Turley sisters party last night with all the cousins from my Mom's side there. We had delicious Mexican food, the Nativity with all the children, the reading of Turkey Trot and then the beloved "12 Days of Christmas" Greer style. Then this morning I was up early making my last batch of caramel popcorn to bag and take around with the jelly to our friends and neighbors. The girl that cleans my house is traveling down south for Christmas, so Spencer and Annie we so nice to come over this morning and help me get my house ready for Christmas dinner with the Greer clan tomorrow. Mindi has been out all afternoon doing her last minute shopping and after trying to take a nap, I gave up and decided to start my wrapping and putting the finishing touches on my house. I was having a little bit of a meltdown yesterday and telling my sister the only way out of all this Christmas chaos was to "go to the Light." I think she was worried that maybe I would do something drastic, but I was just venting to her about how bad I do when I'm stressed out. I wonder what it would be like to just go away for Christmas, and sit in a chair and drink hot chocolate for a few days. I guess we always want what we don't or can't have. This year has been another hard one for me in so many ways. Another knee surgery in May and then the usual ups and downs of living this mortal life. Sometimes it gets me down and I wonder how much longer I have to deal with the same things over and over again. I also know that there are many who suffer from far harder trials than I have and feel grateful for my own. Tomorrow will come and go and another Christmas will be in the books, I know I will finally get a good nights sleep and then start taking down all the decorations and get ready for the knew year. I hope everyone I love has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Done Shopping, Yeh!

I don't think I was home longer than an hour all day yesterday. I wanted to get my shopping done so I didn't have to fight the crowds this weekend, I don't do crowds very well. The kids got home early from school so we had babysitters for Trulie. Whew! After going to a few stores and Costco to pick up my pictures, we came home just long enough to feed the animals and get a drink of water. Tayler had a volleyball clinic in Tempe but Ethan was working late. We didn't want Jen to have to load up the twins and take them out in the cold, so Mindi took Tayler and I stayed and helped Jen with the kids. By then it was six in the evening and I was worn out. When Mindi got back, we took the older kids to try and find something for them for Christmas. It's getting harder and harder every year as the kids get older to find something they like. I don't do toys because I think that is Santa and their parents job, so I usually buy pajamas and a warm sweatshirt or coat. This year I also bought a lot of the clothes they wore for our family pictures. As we were walking through the store with Tayler and Kylie, I had flashbacks of shopping for clothes with my own two girls. How can two sisters be so different in personality and looks? Tayler is quite conservative in her dress and likes to wear her mom's clothes, while Kylie is a little more edgy like Candi was. When we left the store I was really tired and ready for bed. The little kids I know don't appreciate clothes, they would rather have something fun to play with, but this is what I do, it's very important to me that my grandchildren look nice when they are in public. I know time is coming when I will just have to do what my parents do and give money for them to shop for something they like.  I won't be here forever, but as long as I have the ability to walk through the stores, I will continue to buy for my grandchildren. That doesn't mean it still isn't hard, but so rewarding.

Finding Great Happiness on the Path

This Christmas Season has been so busy for me I feel like I'm spinning half the time. It seems like as I get older it takes me twice as long to do what I used to get done easily. I spent almost three weeks trying to get my house decorated and we only got our lights put up on our house on Saturday. I was wondering if this would be the first year that didn't happen at all. I've only been out to help Jen with the twins three times, but she is doing so well, I'm so impressed with her. I went out yesterday and sat in the car while she did some grocery shopping. We folded a couple of loads of laundry, fed the babies again and then it was time for me to go home. I understand the wisdom of having babies when you are young because it sure wears me out at sixty-one. In Relief Society on Sunday we had a really good lesson on President Monson's Conference talk this past October. He was talking about how the Savior walked the paths of disappointment, temptation and pain. Sometimes I go to church and wonder why I even bother but this lesson was really touching. Because we have chosen to come to earth and receive a body we are subject to all that comes with this mortal life. I don't think anyone gets out of here without experiencing all of these trials. It got me thinking of all my own disappointments, temptations and pain that I've been through. I have often suffered physical pain but I think the worst kind of pain is emotional, and when Kamber passed away it sent me somewhere dark I hadn't experienced before. At times I still get caught up in a place where I wonder if it's even worth going on. Then I think of my family and all my grandkids and I realize how blessed I really am. This weekend we were able to get together for pictures for the first time in a few years. Working with ten adults and eighteen children isn't easy, but I'm so happy with how they turned out. I need to get some printed for Christmas cards but Mindi and I both took our cameras and got some fun pictures of our posterity. In the talk President Monson says, "While we will find the path bitter sorrow, we can also find great happiness." I'm so thankful that sometimes I do have glimpses of great happiness as I walk this path called LIFE.

Am I Too Old For A Calling Yet?

This month is going by so fast I can't believe it's two weeks from Christmas Eve. I spent most of yesterday working on the Relief Society Christmas Dinner. We decorated from ten until noon and then had to be back to the church by 6:15 p.m.. Mindi and a couple of her kids have been sick this week, so I was on my own making four batches of funeral potatoes. It took me an hour to get them all mixed up and then another hour to bake them. While they were cooking, I got ready and fed all the critters, it made for a crazy day. The dinner was delicious and we had a fun little program and then the clean up began. It's just a good thing we had about ten sisters helping and Rich even put all the tables away and mopped the kitchen floor for us or we would still be there. I was so tired when I got home that when I finally got settled in to bed I had a painful charley horse in the back of my leg. I finally jumped up and went to the kitchen a got an ice pack and the pain finally went away. I've been wondering all morning if there comes a time when you are too old and out of shape to have a calling? Especially, decorating the church building. Now the clean up begins in my own house with all the dishes from my potato making extravaganza. We are going to try and have family pictures taken this weekend when Spencer, Annie and their kids get here. Trying to coordinate clothes for ten adults and eighteen kids has been my main concern for the last couple of weeks. It's been a long time since we've all been together, so hopefully it will work out. The weather is going to take a turn and be cold and rainy, but that makes it even feel more like Christmas to me. I want to just go in my sewing room and start a new quilt, but I've made a promise to myself that until the three I have waiting to be finished are done, NO more projects started. Plus, I need to do some organizing of all my material so I can find what I want to start working on in the new year, which is coming really fast.

Why Are The Holidays So Chaotic?

Yesterday morning I got a call from Ethan asking if I was ready to babysit. I said, "sure", and then hurried around getting everything I could done so I could spend some time with the kids. Now that the twins are two weeks old I think they are probably waking up and realizing how hungry they are, so Jen was up all night trying to get them settled. I remember how tired I was when I had one baby, so I can't imagine trying to soothe two at the same time. I knew Mindi and I needed to run a few errands but before that I went out and let Trulie, Max and Reagan jump on the trampoline and slide down the slide. We are lucky to be having a really mild fall and the sun felt good while I sat on the chair and watched the kids play. We are feeding the missionaries tomorrow so I needed to get some meat at the store so off we went with the kids to Bashas'. Trulie likes to go to Kiddy Kare so she took her little cousins in while we shopped. I've been so busy this week trying to get some things ready for our family pictures next week and do some Christmas shopping, I'm worn out. Every year I think it just doesn't seem right for life to be so chaotic around the holidays. Are there some people who just relax and not stress out about gifts and decorating? I wish I could just be happy with the blessings I have and not worry about all the fluff. Every week I have a countdown of things that need to be done and it's nice to cross them off the list. Next week we have the Relief Society and Ward Christmas parties, plus Spencer and Annie will be traveling home next Saturday. It's been way too long since I've seen the Boston Larsens so that will be a happy day. I have hardly seen Rich this week, he's busy trying to get five jobs done in one week. He is an eternal optimist and thinks he's Superman, but we both can tell how much age affects our productivity. I still have two trees to put ornaments on and my house to clean so I better get busy.

A Fun Day With Jen and the Kids

Yesterday I went out to spend the day with Jen out at her house. Ethan had asked me if I could go help her because she had a few errands to run and needed help. We fed and burped babies, ran to Walmart, came home, fed and burped the babies again. It's been a long time since I've fed a newborn and I was amazed at how natural it felt to me. I did get a little confused wondering which of the twins I was feeding and I even think Jen has a hard time keeping them straight. She had to take the babies to have their newborn screenings, so I stayed home with Max and Reagan and tried to stay awake while they watched a movie. I need to take a nap in the afternoon and I'm not usually babysitting kids, they were still alive when Jen got home. Whew! We waited for Brookie and Kylie to get home from school and then we headed over to Kohls to shop for clothes for our family pictures that hopefully will happen when Spencer and Annie get here next week. When I finally got home around six last night I was so tired. I can see the wisdom in having children when you are young because this old grandma couldn't handle newborns, toddlers and teenagers all at the same time. As I was getting ready to leave Brookie said, "Grandma, are you going to be in Heaven when I am older?" It took me by surprise and I didn't know quite how to answer her. I said, "I hope I'm still around when you get older, I want to be there when you get baptized." I could tell she was trying to figure out when she would be eight years old. I must look really old for her to ask me when I'm going to heaven. I then told her that we never know when we will be going to heaven, every day could be that day. Today is going to be a busy one as I try and catch up on my work but it sure was fun being around the younger generation, I was in bed asleep at 9:30, that's just how old this grandma is.

The Best Gift We Have Been Given

We had a really nice Thanksgiving Day. This is the year that my siblings went to their in-laws so the stress was way less for me. Mindi even commented on how nice it was. With the stress of the birth of the twins the weekend before, I was relieved we would have such a small group. I got a small turkey and it tasted really good even though I really don't like turkey much, it tasted good. My Mom and Dad, Mindi and Candi and their families were the only ones we had for dinner and then my sister and her son came by for pie later in the evening. It was also Reagan's birthday so after everyone left we headed out to Ethan's to celebrate her birthday and hold the twins. They are so cute and it's nice Gage got home from the hospital on Wednesday night so he was home for turkey day. As soon as we got home from Ethan's I started taking all my decorations down. I then started putting up Christmas decorations because I'm on call now to go help Jenn if she needs me. Her Mom took a week off from work to help them last week, so now it's up to me for moral support. Life is busy and I'm sure it's going to get more chaotic before Christmas but I love the holiday music and the feelings I get when I see the lights and think of the birth of the Savior, which is the best gift we have been given.

Lots of Things to Be Thankful For

It's nothing like Thanksgiving to bring out all the nostalgic feelings in me. This is the year that everyone goes to their in-laws, so it's kind of been nice, less stress for me. With the twins being born and Rich sick, that's a good thing. Rich was in Boston all last week helping Spencer install his new kitchen. Ethan built the cabinets and had them shipped back east. Rich had to do the install because we couldn't take the chance of Ethan missing the birth of the twins. When Rich got home on Saturday night I could tell he wasn't feeling well. By Sunday night he was really sick but hopefully he's on the mend tonight.  I read an article the other day that was "22 things unhappy people do." I wasn't surprised that I do almost all of them. They were stuff like thinking negative thoughts, holding grudges, living in the past, not being able to forgive and looking too far into the future and not living in the moment. Dang, how do you change who you are? How do you stop worrying about your kids and grandkids and wondering when the next trial will come your way? Anyway, I have so much to be thankful for. I just got word they are picking up Gage from the hospital, he was suppose to go home tomorrow but he's doing so well they are kicking him out tonight. Ethan and Jenn will need some extra prayers tonight as they deal with two babies in the night. Tomorrow will be a quiet day with just my parents and Mindi and Candi and their families coming for dinner. Some of the cousins may be coming over for pie later and then we are going out to Ethan's for Regan's birthday. Then it's twenty-seven days until Christmas, EEK!

The Twins Are Born

This has been a hard week with Rich in Boston helping Spencer and me here sleeping alone and worrying about the twins. Last night as I was talking to Jen and Ethan on the phone she was telling me about her day. She had some pretty strong contractions and back labor. She had been to the doctor on Thursday and told her she was ready and that he didn't want her to labor at home because she needed to have two doses of antibiotic for Strep B and since these are her 7th and 8th babies she should go fast. I suggested they just go to the hospital and get checked out to see if she had progressed at all with the pains she had. She got there at around 11:00 p.m. and they decided to keep her. She was at a seven dilation and was having contractions so they started her medication. I think I only got around three or four hours of sleep between my insomnia and worrying all night. Dr. Huish came in this morning and broke her water and she had an epidural and they were born this morning. The first baby was delivered head first but they had a problem with baby b, he was born breech and is having a hard time with his breathing, so he is in the nursery at the hospital while they watch him for a couple of days. We will be saying extra prayers for him until he can go home with his family. Rich is on route as we speak coming home and I'm excited that maybe with him home I'll be able to get the sleep I've been deprived of all week. We are certainly blessed that Jen was able to hold these precious babies in for 37 weeks and they are beautiful, I can't wait to hold baby b. Their names are Rustin Leonard and Gage Richard, and they were 7 lbs. 4 oz. and 8 pounds, and both were 21 inches long. Jen is a real trooper and I'm sure she's glad this is over and they are here safe. Today is my parents 64th wedding anniversary so what a memorable day for their birth.

Jelly Done, Yea!

I just finished the last two batches of jelly from this years harvest of pomegranates. Whew! What a relief until next year, it's such a good feeling. Yesterday was my Moms 85th birthday. We had planned a family ice cream sundae extravaganza for her on Sunday night, but that ended up not happening. My parents live in Scottsdale and because of the Ironman Competition they drove around for forty-five minutes trying to find a way to get across the roads to come to my house. Poor Mom was a nervous wreck wandering around the Reservation trying to get across. So yesterday both my brothers went to see her and my sister and I are taking her to dinner tomorrow night. Sometimes in life things just don't work out the way we think they should. We won't be planning a family party when that's going on again, that's for sure. Who would think you couldn't go anywhere all day because the roads were all blocked off until 6:00 p.m.? And by then she was too upset to come that late. Rich is still in Boston working on Spencer's kitchen. I think it's really going to be beautiful and I hope he appreciates Rich taking a week away from his business to help him. We'll see what kind of problems he will have to deal with next week when he gets home. I've had such a hard time sleeping that finally last night I put some essential oils on and drank some calming herbal tea. It helped a little bit and I slept until 4:00 a.m., so that's better than the last three nights. Jenn was having a few contractions yesterday and goes to the doctor tomorrow, it shouldn't be too much longer, but everyday she keeps them in the better it will be for them. I know she is miserable, I started taking castor oil when I got so miserable I wanted to hurt myself, so I can just imagine how hard it is to have two babies in there. She still looks great and is dealing better than I would. When they get here she is really going to be busy, tired and still miserable.

Still No Babies

This morning I woke up at 5 a.m. and knew I had no chance of going back to sleep. Rich left Friday night late and took a red eye to Boston to help Spencer install his new kitchen. I hate being alone at night, I'm not anxious like I used to be, I just don't ever get into that really deep sleep that makes me feel rested. So by 8:30 this morning I had already washed my sheets, unloaded my dishwasher, fed the dogs and made two batches of jelly. When my Mom called and asked what I was doing, she was so proud of all my accomplishments so early in the morning. Even at 85 she's a "go getter" and can work circles around me still. Yesterday for church we attended the Phoenix Temple Dedication. Dave went in the morning so he could watch Trulie, then Mindi and I took all the rest of the kids in the afternoon. I have to say I think this was one of the best meetings I have been to. The music was beautiful and the talks and prayer were inspiring. Sometimes when I'm down on myself I don't feel worthy to attend the Temple, but these speakers made me realize the importance of the Temples to our happiness. Jenn hasn't had any contractions and hopefully she can survive this pregnancy and delivery of these babies. I'm getting so excited to see what they look like and hold them. Ethan and Dave are running the business while Rich is out of town, so now we have put the "having the babies" on the back burner until the weekend and Rich gets home. Now I need to go take a little nap so I have enough energy to get some more projects done tonight, six more nights of sleeping alone, I can do it.

Spinning My Wheels

Some weeks I just don't feel that productive. I have so much that I want to do and that needs to be done, but sometimes I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. It's been a week already since we juiced all our fruit. I've made four or five batches of jelly and haven't put a dent in my bounteous harvest yet. Yesterday Mindi and I watched Jenn's kids while she went to the doctor. We were hoping she would have these babies by now, but bless her heart she is still hanging in there. As I get older it seems easier to have empathy with people who are struggling because you know where they are. I've never had twins, but I did have an almost ten pound baby and I thought I was going to die. This morning I went to the dermatologist to have two moles cut off my face and arm. I swear if you want to feel young, and beautiful hang out at the dermatologists office because most everyone there was over seventy. I asked the doctor why so many old people have skin issues. He said it was because as we age our immune system gets weaker and that causes lots of skin problems. There's another thing to have to worry about in the next few years. Next week is Mom's 85th birthday so we are all getting together on Sunday night after the Temple Dedication. Then this year everyone is going somewhere else for Thanksgiving so it will just be a few of us getting together to eat. Hopefully we will have the twins here before then but if not the doctor is going to induce her on the Friday after Thanksgiving. So basically we are on baby watch for the next couple of weeks and hoping for a phone call that says they are on their way to the hospital. Until then I guess I'll just keep spinning my wheels.

Juicing Done, Jelly Making Started

Friday morning I was up early trying to get everything ready for our juicing day. It is such a production that I sometimes wonder why I got involved in this tradition. My Aunt Tenna passed this on to us, she had the trees and the juice and taught my Mom and Dad how to do it. This year we were smart. We only picked my friend Sandy's trees and mine. We had a good crew here to help and we were finished by 4:00 in the afternoon. I asked Mindi several times if she was sure that was all the fruit and the answer was always yes. On Friday night when I went out to feed the animals I found a wheel barrow half way full of pomegranates. Dang, that meant I was on my own Saturday morning, where I spent another couple of hours by myself cutting, juicing, straining and cleaning up. It seems like every year it gets harder and harder to do it. My poor parents who at 85 years-old stayed until the very end. They are such an example of hard work and dedication. This was a weird year because none of the younger generation came to help. Usually we have a few of my nieces and daughter-in-laws come and help but Mindi was the only representative of that age group. She is always so good to help her parents and grandparents when the need is there. Trulie played outside for awhile but wanted to go in and watch cartoons. When Mindi went in to check on her, she had poured eight plastic water bottles on the rug in her family room. I don't know if Mindi will live through that girl, she is hard! Now the fun begins as I make jelly from the juice. I'm not making that much this year because when I went in my pantry to pull out all my canning stuff, I found 20 jars of jelly I never gave away from last year. What a waste to throw it away, not only the juice and sugar but also all the time it took me to make it. Oh well, this year I'm going to make sure I give most of it away so it doesn't end up in the garbage.

Voleyball Over, Juicing Begins

It seems like another week when I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. I have lots to do but not enough energy to get things done. Trisyn's last volleyball game was Tuesday night and they lost, so her season is over. We've picked most of the fruit, except three trees in my backyard I will work on tonight before we start juicing tomorrow. I just got home from exchanging a double stroller for the twins that we bought for the shower. When we got it home we realized that the car seats weren't included, so it took two hours and another $200 to get that straightened out. Then we stopped at the Relief Society pot luck luncheon at Kelli's house which is always fun and yummy. Lately there have been some things that have happened that make me question what's going on in the world. It seems like the older I get the more disenchanted I become by the actions of others around me. I heard once in a Conference talk something to the affect that you can tell the relationship someone has with Christ by the way they treat others. I don't know why that's been running through my mind so much, I guess just because of some of the things I hear and see around me. In a talk in the Priesthood Session by President Uchtdorf he said, "I'm not sure why we are able to diagnose and recommend remedies for other people's ills so well, while we often have difficulty seeing our own." It is hard for us mortals to realize what we do and say affects the self esteem and happiness of those around us. I try and be a good person but there are times that those "not so nice" parts of me come alive, I guess all you can do is just keep trying. Tomorrow we will get together for a juice fest and hopefully we can get them done before dark. It gets harder every year and the older we get the slower we get and the longer it takes for us to get it done. It is fun getting together and doing something hard, we never know when this year will be the last we have the two 85 year-olds with us, so I'm not complaining about this project, not me not ever.

The Best Family Ever

The weekends seem to go by so fast. I wonder how I'm going to get everything done I need to. Friday I finished the quilts for the babies and took some pictures outside on our swing. On Saturday we had a little family shower at Sassy's, a cute little place in Mesa. I took my camera hoping to get some nice pictures but when I went to download them to the computer this morning there was nothing, nada, not one picture. I don't know what happened, hopefully I can figure it out so it doesn't happen again. Jenn got some nice things and the family all pitched in to buy her a twin stroller. I have the best family. This morning I got a call from my dear cousin asking me if Jenn needed more help and if she did to call her. Who does that? Yesterday Rich and I attended the Regional Conference from Salt Lake that all the members in Arizona listened too. I loved the talks and felt they were meant for me. I even took some notes because I wanted to remember what was said. The first talk was about how we need to have an eternal perspective everyday. That is so hard for me when dealing with health and family issues that seem to never end. He gave four simple truths about our lives. They are, (1) We are children of God. (2) Life has an eternal purpose, (3) God has a plan for me, (4) Progression is eternal. When I look back at some of the trials I've had, at times I wasn't thinking about the eternal perspective, that these trials are just a part of life, and they help me learn about me. The speaker said, "Trust in the Lord and his plan for you." It seems like so many things are out of my control that the only thing I can work on controlling is my own thoughts and actions. This week is another busy week  as we are picking and juicing pomegranates. Hopefully the kids can help this year because all of us senior citizens aren't strong enough to carry the heavy loads of fruit. It is a special time though and we have lots of fun when getting together and working. I have the best family.

Grandma's Birthday and Halloween

 I was feeling a little bit nostalgic this morning so I decided I would try and find some pictures of my kids on Halloween. I pulled two boxes full of pictures out and started looking. After spending a couple of hours I gave up. I found report cards, achievement certificates and pictures of everything else. I even found my diploma from ASU, but the  only pictures I found was one of Candi as a clown and one Trick or Treating at one of my dear friend Leonore's house. This one was specials because Leonore passed away this past summer. Today is a special day because it's my Grandma Fern's birthday. She was one of the kindest people I have ever known and one of the "Great Ones" in my life. I did find her funeral program that I've kept since she passed away in 1974 while I was a student at BYU. As I read over the program I saw that she was born in 1898 and passed away one month shy of her 76th birthday. I'm surprised that of all the kids and grandkids born, I don't think there is one that was born on Oct.31st. The baby I miscarried was due around that time, so I always think about her and the chance that I might have had a baby on her birthday. We are having a little family shower for Jenn tomorrow so I've been busy getting the quilts done for the twins. It is an exciting time for our family having two babies born at the same time is something I never imagined would happen to me. I know it is hard carrying two big babies but what a blessing to know they are healthy and growing normally. These next two weeks will be really important to ensure they get here safely, so extra prayers are being said for them. Tristyn just came home from school looking for a costume to wear to volleyball practice. All we could think of was the costume Candi got for me a few years ago. It fit her perfectly so I had to get a picture of her before she left. If I can't find any of my kids I guess I'll have to post some of the grandkids. Happy Halloween to everyone, tomorrow is November thank heavens.

Shopping and Sewing

I spent the weekend cleaning and sewing. I have so many quilts in different stages, that it stresses me out. I think I have a little ADHD because I would rather go in my sewing room and work on a new one before I have all the others finished. I did finally finish one I made for Trent. He turned eleven on the 10th of October so it's not too late. I bought some really colorful material with outer space and planets on it, but when Mindi mentioned it to him, he gave her that look. So I asked him what he wanted and of course it was sports. So I pulled out all my blue and red sport material and whipped him up a quilt. I've also been working on quilts for the twins. We are having a little family shower for Jenn on Saturday, so I've been shopping and sewing. I've been lucky to find two of almost everything and I know she's going to need lots of help. Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not out there helping her as she struggles with these last few weeks. I've gotten myself in a mess here with all these animals and responsibilities at home, it makes it hard to leave for any amount of time. This week is the end of volleyball season and Halloween and then next week I'll be busy picking and juicing pomegranates. So hopefully she can hang in there so I can go out to help. This is such a busy time of year but it's always so nice when it cools down. I'm not a big fan of Halloween because I'm not good at dressing up and costume wearing. Trulie wanted to be a witch so Mindi made her a cute little shirt, hat and broom. She continues to keep us all on our toes. She was bouncing on the trampoline with one of her brothers and fell on her arm and got a buckle fracture. It's healing well but she keeps taking her brace off and yesterday she was out again jumping with her brothers. I just say a prayer and hope she doesn't break anything else.

Homecoming and Twins

Last Thursday I got a call from Ethan asking me if I could go with Jenn to her ultrasound appointment again because he couldn't take time off from work. I'm so lucky to have a sweet daughter-in-law that would want me to be with her again. When she picked me up she was in pain and I was worried we may be heading to the hospital instead, but the pain was just the fact that she's got two big babies in there. As I looked at those precious spirits moving around, their hearts beating, I wondered how anyone could deny they are from God and these children are so loved by him. When the technician told us that Baby A is already 6 pounds and Baby B 5.4, I thought Jenn was going to faint on the table. No wonder she is having pains, she has over twelve pounds of babies and then when you add in the placentas and the extra blood, it's amazing she can even get around. I am so excited to see these little guys and get to know them. We still don't know if they are identical or just fraternal but either way we'll take them. On Saturday night Tristyn went to her first high school dance. It was Homecoming and even though she played in a volleyball tournament all day Friday and Saturday, she was still able to get ready and go. I wanted to take some pictures of her but her date was late arriving and I had hungry animals outside. By the time I finally got in they had come and gone but Mindi and Dave took some cute pictures of her. She is a typical teenager but has a really sweet spirit about her. I hope so much that she won't get caught up in all the drama when dealing with "mean girls" at school. It's been a long time since I was sixteen but I sure wish I could go back and have a do over. I wouldn't worry about what anyone thought about me and I would study harder and be more teachable. I was weird in high school and never really felt that I fit in. Maybe that's what everyone goes through during that awkward age. Anyway, we only get one chance at this mortal life and so I'm trying to make the best of it, even when it gets a little hard.

Keeping It Real

For the last couple of weeks I've been in a black hole. I've felt unloved and unappreciated. I think everyone goes through ups and downs in our lives even in the most perfect situations. This weekend in one of our discussions Rich told me again how negative I am. This isn't something new, I can be a Debbie Downer that's for sure. When he told me he has been asked many times how he deals with someone so negative I was hurt. He won't tell me who asked him but said, "maybe it's someone who reads your blog." I've been stewing about it all weekend and then this morning I decided I needed to write about my feelings. I started writing on this blog six years ago when Kamber drowned in the backyard pool of the dream home Ethan built by himself for his family. After that happened, the economy took a nose dive and we are lucky to save what we did and stay married due to the stress. The statistics of marriages lasting after the death of a child is very low and at times the grief has been so bad I would rather walk away than stay and fight it. Yesterday in church we had a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy give a really good talk. The thing that impressed me the most was his story on how much time we waste on things that don't matter. I could relate to the time I spend being mad at family members and retaliating against them. Then we got in to Relief Society and the lesson was how we need to LOVE everyone! That we need to pray for our enemies and those who we have a hard time with. That totally applies to me too. I love it when I go to church and can see myself in the lessons. Anyway, I have never been a good faker. I don't blow smoke and I tell it like it is. That gets me in trouble sometimes but it's part of me that needs some polishing. When I write on my blog I know sometimes I keep it too real. Maybe I share too much of my sadness and struggles. I know when I read back some of my posts it makes me feel so sad that I felt that way that day. So I'm asking anyone who reads my blog and is offended because of my honesty to please stop reading. Go to lds.org and read conference talks or listen to uplifting music. If what I write is too much negativity for you find someone else's blog to read. Those people who truly know me and love me understand what I'm going through and hopefully won't judge. So if you don't like what I write, please read something more uplifting.

Somewhere Far Away Someday

It seems like the last few months have been really hard for me. Besides fighting the oppressive heat, I feel like I've been fighting myself. I don't know if it's just normal as I age to become a little bit more confused about life, or just the way my life seems to be heading. I look back and try to find a place where it started. Was it my miscarriage, raising naughty teenagers, Kamber's passing or hip and knee surgeries? Whatever the reason, I guess it doesn't really matter. Life just seems to be one adversity after another. I was told recently that I'm such a negative person, it's a wonder anyone can deal with me. I think I live in reality, but maybe it is a constant state of negativity. I need to work on that and maybe reading some suggested Conference talks will help. A couple of days ago Mindi and I took the puppies and my two old labs to the vet. The puppies needed their first shots before we can send them to their new homes and my male needed his rabies vaccination and the female is having a hard time walking. The vet is always so nice and after giving the shots and some needed medication, we left.  I felt like I had been in a fight after getting those dogs home and back out to Ethan and Jenn's house. Candi, B.J. and the kids have been on a trip since Oct. 2. They will be coming home on Saturday and I can't wait to hear about their trip. I'm also missing Spencer and his family a lot. It's been almost a year since they have been here. I'm hoping that someday they will move closer so I can spend some time with them. Maybe they will take me on a trip with them, somewhere far away where it's nice and cool and happy. Then maybe the negativity will leave and I can see myself as the Savior does.

No More Funnel Cakes Please

Last weekend was such a doozy that I went to bed at 9:00 o'clock both nights, I was so tired. We had Troy's baptism on Saturday morning and then a carnival for the boys who each had a birthday last week. Mindi can't just do a simple birthday party, she has to go all out. She had booths for the kids to throw bean bags and rings, a jump house that looked like a castle and yummy food. I ate so much funnel cakes and Bahama Bucks that I was sick the rest of the day. During the baptism my cousin Barb and I were talking about how lucky Troy was to not only have his grandfather there, but also his great-grandfather. When we were growing up we didn't know either of our grandfathers because they had died before we were even born. I was so relieved that the weekend was over that I decided to make cinnamon rolls on Sunday. I know it's a day of rest, but I really felt with the cooler weather, I wanted to smell something that reminded me of Fall. It seems like every day there is another challenge. Today we are taking the puppies in for their shots and vet check, plus I have an old lab that needs his Rabies shot before he can get licensed. Another one is having a hard time walking so she needs to be seen too. Sometimes I wonder if all this stress and worry is worth it. I try and be a good person but obviously not good enough. I've been wondering lately at what point do you throw in the towel and give up? Anyway, life continues to prove this mortal life is kicking my backside, but someday it will be over and hopefully I can rest then.

"We Make Things So Complicated Now"

Every week I think will be a little bit easier but that never happens. Yesterday my sister and I went to Scottsdale to pick up my parents to go to lunch for her birthday today. She had to run a quick errand and when I got into the area where I grew up, I had such weird thoughts and feelings. I have been gone from there for almost forty years but sometimes I can still feel the feelings I felt as a child and teenager growing up there. It's hard to explain but it was real. We are so thankful that our parents can still live in their home and take care of each other and even drive themselves to places they need to go. I know how I feel at sixty-one, so I can only imagine how tired they are at eighty-five. Mindi has been driving herself crazy this week planning a baptism and birthday party tomorrow. As I talked to my Dad on the phone he said, "we sure make things complicated out of things that used so be so simple, but important. We did it and it was over, we never had a luncheon or party after being baptized and I can't ever remember even having a birthday party." It does seem like things have become way bigger than when even I was a kid. Tristyn had a volleyball game last night even though it was fall break. Jenn brought her kids to support her and it is was fun to see all the cousins playing together. They weren't that interested in the game and mainly just ate treats from the concession stand and played. Jenn looks great for expecting twins in six weeks. Hopefully she will be able to keep them in until they are healthy enough to breath on their own and not have to stay in the hospital. Today is Trent's birthday and he turned eleven. My grandkids are growing up way to fast and it's sad to think Tristyn will be leaving for college in two years. She's going to Homecoming next week so this coming week will be another stressful week. I'm ready for a vacation, a trip to the beach or somewhere I can get more than six hours of sleep. I hate that I'm turning into an old person, but I guess the other option is to die and I'm not quite ready for that yet, I hope.

"His Mercy is the Mighty Healer"

The weekend went by way to fast and now we are enjoying the kids home for Fall Break. It has actually been really nice to have them home to help me a little bit. By 8:00 a.m. I already had the animals fed and my aquariums cleaned out. When you have three boys to help, it sure is easier. It seems like listening to Conference makes me have a let down every time. I enjoy listening to the words of wisdom but at some point it does make me feel like I'm sure not hitting the mark most of the time. If I could understand one Gospel principle better it would be the Atonement. I still can't comprehend how the Savior can make everything better. I have struggled for a long time with feelings of not being good enough and some family members make sure they remind me often. Sometimes when I feel like I've had enough, I still don't know how to repent, forgive, and move on. When I heard President Packer say, "HIS mercy is the mighty healer," I wondered why the death of Kamber is still so painful. The hole in my heart hasn't been repaired and probably never will. Last night as I struggled to fall asleep I heard a voice that said, "Just do the best you can and that's good enough." Maybe that was just a thought that went in to my mind but after that I fell asleep for a few hours. One thing I did learn from the talks is that this mortal life wasn't suppose to be easy and we shouted for joy when we heard we were coming down to get our body and be tested. Sometimes I wonder why I was so excited for that, living in this mortal body hasn't been a cake walk for me. Anyway, the sun will come up tomorrow and my quilts will still be there to work on. I also have two birthdays and a baptism this week, so I need to get myself together and have hope for the future.

Enjoying Life Alone

It's already Friday again and I wonder where the days have gone. Rich left for Utah yesterday to spend some time with his family and attend his missionary reunion. Candi, B.J. and their boys left for a trip back East, seeing the historical sights and will be gone for over two weeks. Little old me is staying home enjoying a quiet home and empty bed. I have gone with Rich a few times to Utah but when you travel with him it feels more like the "Amazing Race" instead of a vacation, so I prefer staying home. I eat and do whatever I want and spend whatever I can get my hands on. I try and spend what I think his trip costs, isn't that fair? I can buy a lot of clothes, chocolate and fabric for the cost of an airline ticket. We usually treat ourselves to Outback Steak, just to celebrate the occasion. This next week is Fall Break for the kids and we are hopefully going to make some progress in the mowing and cleaning up department. We also have a family get together on Saturday to celebrate the Baptism of Troy who turned eight on October 1st. Sometimes I can get myself so riled up about the future. It seems like from here on out until after the holidays life is so busy. I've finally got the box ready to send to Spencer for his kids for Dane's birthday and some things for the kids for Halloween. I'm also trying to collect items Jenn will need for the twins. Just thinking about that is overwhelming and I'm not the one doing all the work, I'm just the grandma. I am looking forward to listening to Conference all weekend, even though sometimes it is overwhelming I love feeling the spirit when I listen to the talks and music. It's going to be a good weekend.

Monsoon Over, Welcome October

The end of another month is fast approaching and I can't believe how busy the next few months are going to be. It seems like every week I have a list of things that I need to do, or projects I need to get done. This is also a month with five birthdays I need to celebrate, so it's crazy around here. A couple of months ago Kylie let me know she needed a new quilt. It wasn't just my normal quilt but one I hadn't ever made before. She wanted a Chevron pattern made out of blue and yellow material. I had some in my stash but needed to pick up a few more to get the affect I wanted. I literally spent hours and hours on this quilt. I have often been asked why I don't sell my quilts. For one thing they aren't perfectly made and I could never charge enough to cover the cost of the material and the hours spent sewing them. The only reason I do it is because I enjoy it, it lets me create something that others love. The last few days I've been working on a project for someone who has been very kind to me. I also cut out the strips and started the quilts for the twins. Wow! Trying to find two of everything is hard. I've been picking up sleepers and outfits but have a hard time finding two of the same size exactly alike. I've felt a little bit overwhelmed by the thought of these two little guys and pray that Jenn will be able to handle the stress and strain having twins is causing to her mind and body. The other night when someone suggested that Rich and I become foster parents I felt physically sick. I know there are so many children who need a home and I wish I had the patience and ability to help all the children with no families. I also feel horrible when I hear of all the animals that need homes and if not adopted are euthanized. I feel at sixty-one that part of my life is over. I just want to have enough energy to make a difference in my grandchildren's lives. On Friday night we went out to the Ethan's for a party for Kylie. She turned twelve on the 23rd and that's a big birthday in our culture. They had lots of fun things for the kids to do and had a carnival theme. It was a lot of fun but lots of work too. Tomorrow is Troy and my niece Alishia's birthdays, then Rich leaves for Conference on Thursday and the week is over. At least it's cooling off a little bit and the fall decorations are coming out. Today is the end of the monsoon season for us too. This has been one of the wettest seasons we have had and we are so thankful for the rain but the mosquitoes have been horrible. I guess we have to take the good with the bad. At least that's what I've finally figured out.

I Survied Another Bump In The Road

In the middle of the night I woke up feeling sick. I felt nauseated and didn't know what was causing it. I knew I had an appointment this morning to have oral surgery to put an implant in the hole left when he pulled my tooth last January. Was that what was bothering me? When I finally woke up this morning I was exhausted. I'm so tired of going through life tired. I can list a hundred things I'm tired of but that wouldn't change anything. When I was a kid I was so terrified of the dentist, they would have to sedate me to do anything in my mouth. I'm an adult now but that little girl is still terrified inside. When I was getting ready to leave for my appointment I was almost in tears. I went in my closet to get a shirt and started thinking about some of the trials I've had in my life. I remember a time when I was talking to Ethan about something and he said, "I've already been through the hardest thing you could possibly go through, so anything else doesn't bother me." So I tried telling myself that I've already been through hell, so how hard can a little implant be anyway? When they were taking me back to have the procedure done Mindi said, "Come on Mom, gird up your loins," that was my go to saying as we were planning Kamber's viewing and funeral. Anyway, I survived this little bump in the road and will spend the rest of the day eating soft foods and resting. I love my surgeon and hope he forgives me for being such an anxiety filled patient. I prayed that I would survive something that is very hard for me to do and am aware their are many family and friends that are struggling with their own trials, especially Jenn who is caring twins. We pray for her and these babies all the time. During my implant procedure everyone left the room for a minute. I started getting scared so I pulled out my phone and took some pictures of my mouth on the screen. It reminded me of a scary witch at Halloween, so I started laughing. I'm just happy to be home and can't wait until the numbness wears off so I can feel my lips and tongue and hopefully won't be in too much pain. I survived!

I'm Not Feeling Young Today

This morning when I got my morning wake up call from my Mom, I was telling her how tired I was. All she said was, "you are so young, just wait until you're eighty-five." The way I'm feeling today I don't think I'll live to be that old. On Thursday I went with Jenn to have a sonogram to check on the twins. It was so fun to see their little bodies and we even got a shot of their faces. Boy was it confusing to keep track of them and all they are known by is Baby A and Baby B. I was a little confused but excited that they are both doing well and growing. They are both about three pounds already and in the 97th percentile, so no wonder Jenn is feeling large. She looks great but I know she is slowing down a little bit. Yesterday I spent all day working on my project for Fabulous Friday that we had last night at the church. It's always so fun to get together as women and do fun crafts. I stayed as late as I could but they were still working on projects after ten o'clock and I wasn't feeling well. So I helped clean up the food and came home. What dedication it takes to serve in the church, it's such a good thing we have so many willing and talented women to step in and help, it was a very successful activity. Now today I'm cleaning and going to Tristyn's volleyball tournament. Everywhere I look there is something that needs to be done, but I'm sure tired and it's not even nap time yet. I have to keep reminding myself how young I am, my Mom says I am anyway.

Pep Talk From Mom

It's no secret that when Rich and I decided to get married he was hoping and thinking he was getting a carbon copy of my Mom. She is a wonderful person who is kind and loving and doesn't have a mean bone in her lean little body. What Rich got was a female version of my Dad, who is an honorable man, full of faith and love but just not as cultured or refined as Mom, and I might add he is a grudge holder like me. Anyway, this week has been extremely stressful running errands to buy supplies for our Relief Society activity on Friday night. I also had two fillings fixed in preparation for oral surgery next week to put an implant in the hole in my mouth. Anyway, I had an opportunity to try and help one of my children who is struggling in lots of areas of their life. As the conversation went on and tears started flowing, I found myself giving the same pep talk my Mom has given me for sixty-one years. When did I turn in to my Mom? I never thought she really knew what she was talking about because she was so old, things had changed in the world and she couldn't possibly know how to help me. It is so hard being a parent to adult children and watching them struggle. I wish I could take away all their problems and challenges. I wish they had the perfect lives with perfect children and no stress. But unfortunately I have learned by experience that only through these challenges do we grow. I hate adversity! Sometimes I get so sick of struggling with the same old things day in and day out that I just want to scream. Why does life just seem so hard sometimes with things we are asked to do? Hopefully things will quiet down and life will become peaceful and calm, but I'm not counting on that with the holidays coming and the twins. Oh yea, TWINS. It may be awhile before I will be able to sit in the rocking chair and relax, but I'm not giving up on that idea at some point in the future.

Who Really Cares?

Last night when I went to bed I felt kind of bad about my ranting post earlier in the day. Sometimes it seems like I'm swimming upstream with no way to get out of the river. I went to the oral surgeon to see about getting an implant so I can have a tooth put in the hole left behind when I had a tooth pulled in January. I was complaining about how I can't keep my stupid tongue from wanting to move in and out of it. After he listened a minute and looked in my mouth he said, "you are the easiest patient I have today. I have seen two people with cancer and some with other problems, I can help you with this." I started thinking about all the suffering in the world. How easy it is to get into the "feel sorry for Teri" mood. So what if my house is hot, water is leaking out of my ceiling and my pools turning green, who really even cares? At least I have a house to live in. Last night was the last night of Bunco for this cycle. I looked around at the amazing women that were there. We have so much fun laughing over a stupid little dice game. We have all had some hard times and difficult trials but for a couple of hours we seem to forget everything that's going on and just laugh and have fun. We also eat way too many sweets but who really cares about that either? I feel bad that I won't be able to play next year. With Jenn expecting twins, I feel it is important that I be available to help her. I don't know how much help this old granny can be not driving and having a hard time walking, but I think I can still do laundry and help a little bit around the house and with the little kids. These two babies will be our 18th and 19th grandchildren. I called Spencer the other day and put the pressure on him to make it an even 20. I think everyone else is done and twenty sounds better than nineteen. All he said was, "Ma, you don't need anymore grandkids, you have enough." So this may be it for us, we are kind of getting where it costs a lot for birthdays and Christmas, but we feel so blessed for the posterity we have and thankful for each and every one of them, especially our angel girl in Heaven.

The Dark Cloud of 9/11

Last night on the way home from Tristyn's volleyball game I became so irritated. It's funny how I can deal with lots of stress until I finally feel that dark cloud of despair come over me. Even though I'm in my sixties I still am so competitive it makes me crazy when I watch my kids or grandkids play sports and lose. Maybe I'll just stay home instead of putting myself through the agony of watching none skilled players play with coaches that don't coach to win. Rant over! Rich didn't get home until after 8 p.m. after he'd worked a fifteen hour day, done his scouting church job and helped set up the risers for the Primary Program. I had to let him know that having no air conditioning in my kitchen and laundry room all summer, water dripping into a bucket in the hall for a month, and having my pool pump sparking is not acceptable. I guess you could say I didn't go to bed very happy last night. I'm thinking the one bedroom condo with no yard work, and no animals is the way to go. The problem is that by the time we got rid of all our stuff and fixed everything that is either worn out or broken there wouldn't be a reason to move. Maybe my bad mood is because it is 9/11 today. I remember watching the t.v. for days feeling so sad and out of sorts. It was Spencer's senior year of high school and his final year of football. I can still feel those feelings of fear and despair I had for the families and what those people must have gone through in the planes and the buildings they hit. Lots of our first responders were killed also on that terrible day. Life goes on and I know we have had lots of growth in our family these last thirteen years. We've have some really good times and some that have changed who we are mentally and spiritually. I know someday the cloud will lift and things will get better, they always do, but until that happens I'll just live under that dark cloud and enjoy it.