Jelly Done, Stopping the Chatter

For the last few weeks I have been totally bogged down with our pomegranate operation. After picking and juicing for a week, then making jelly these last two weeks, I finally got to the end of my rope. I didn't want to do one more batch, and besides I only had one jar left. I still have a few gallons of fresh hand-squeezed red juice, but I'm done, no more this year. I could tell the stress was taking me down to a place I visit often but hate to be. I haven't been able to sleep which makes me cranky and crazy. When I woke up this morning I decided I needed to get back to the basics. I needed to read my scriptures, say a prayer for guidance and read a little bit out of my book. The chapter I read today talked about that little voice that is always playing in our heads. The conversation I have with myself is really important to what mood I will be in. I remember when I went to Landmark they called it the chatter or voice in your head that never stops. The problem is, there is no way to make that little voice go away. So I need to learn how to control my thoughts, something that is very hard for me. It's easy at times for me to see everything wrong in my life. The things I don't like about my life experiences and where I am. Last night as I was listening to the news some of the stories were heart breaking. The football player who died after hitting his head during a game. A husband who shot and killed his wife, fourteen year-old daughter and his brother-in-law. There was even a three year-old boy found at the bottom of a pool. Our family has been there and the pain and heartache that experience causes is overwhelming. So even though my life isn't perfect and never will be, I have a great family, testimony of the Savior, and gratitude for what I do have in my life, most of which I don't deserve. So the chatter will continue to talk to me but hopefully I will be able to keep the good and ask the bad to leave, so I can get some sleep and continue to walk my pathway through this life.

Life Isn't Fair Still

I learned at a very young age that life isn't fair. I don't know if it was when my Dad spanked my sister and I after church for fighting over a coat, rolling around on the floor after the meeting. Or was it when I heard and felt how sad my parents were that my Uncle had been killed in an airplane crash while serving in the military. Did I really understand at that young age of five that my cousins would grow up without their Dad? Yesterday after we dropped Rich off at the airport to fly to Tampa to watch Spencer play football, we went through Scottsdale to see my parents and give Mom some juice . As we exited the freeway there were three different guys asking for help, holding up cards saying they were homeless and needed money. One had a shopping cart full of cardboard boxes talking to himself like there was someone there with him. I turned to Mindi and said, "see, it can always be worse." The rest of the day was spent going to a football game, having a friend drop by with some yummy food, Candi came and did all our hair and then more errands, picking up groceries for dinner and dropping Tristyn off to visit a friend. When I went to bed I was tired and discouraged. I had the chance to travel with Rich to Tampa to see the kids and watch the game, but I couldn't make myself do it. I think I know my limitations and that makes me feel like life isn't fair. I called Spencer at around 9:30 p.m. our time and they had just picked Rich up at the airport, wow nine hours in a plane, no thanks. So today I went to church by myself, I mean with my kids and grand kids, watched t.v. by myself and had a pity party in my own head by myself. After attending the Landmark they encouraged us to do things that are unreasonable. I have really tried getting out of my comfort zone like getting in the ocean, floating down the river, and I even played Bunco last week with some friends, but getting on a plane flying hundreds of miles away at a high rate of speed just scares me to death. So, I will spend the next few days doing things I want to do, or maybe need to do, and hope that someday I will feel like I have been given a fair shot at this life, and realize I am doing the best I can with what I've been given.

Company, Jelly Making and Gratitude

 

Last weekend in the middle of our pomegranate operation, Rich's nephew David, his wife Brittany and young son Connor came down from Utah to collect some materials for their house they are remodeling up there. His mother is Rich's only sister and she is an amazing person. When we go to visit she has the cleanest house and the best food. She is one of the Stake Relief Society Presidents in Sandy, Utah. I felt bad because we were so tired and dirty when they came we got takeout from Chili's. Then on Saturday night after a day of hard work and craziness we had Rich stop and buy Mexican Food. I had to make sure that they knew we didn't eat out every meal, occasionally Mindi and I will put something together. On Sunday we cooked out steaks and had a regular Sunday dinner before they headed back to Utah. I have spent most of this week catching up from the chaos of last week and trying to put a dent in my jelly making. I have had a lot of time to think about why we do this. The older I get the more I wonder if it is worth it, as I see my almost 85 year-old parents sit and work as hard as they can to help get the job done. They are such a great example to me of pitching in and working until the job is done. I guess we can thank the old pioneer DNA in both of them. I know Dad wasn't feeling well and he thinks the cancer has spread to his kidneys. When he went to the hospital last week they could see he was pretty dehydrated so they gave him two IVs of fluids. My sister called to tell me she is worried about him because he told her he didn't think he had must time left "on this old earth." I don't feel that great myself so I know he must feel terrible. Anyway, we will keep him as long as he was meant to stay and then he can go meet his family, a father he never knew because he died when my Dad was only three days old. I also hope Kamber will be there to give him a great big hug. Life is precious and I need to be grateful for everyday I have to spend with all my family because we never know when the clocks stops and we are on to the other side.

 

 

Volleyball, Halloween and Pomegranate Juicing

We  have a family tradition to pick and juice pomegranates the first weekend of November. This year it just so happened that Halloween was on Thursday and our marathon juicing party was the next day. We also had Tristyn's last volleyball game of the year which is when they honor all the senior players. They have done pretty good this year but we could really use some really tall girls, I guess Gilbert just doesn't grow them that tall. On Halloween we were busy all day and Mindi tried to get Trulie to take a nap, knowing that it was going to be a busy night with Trick or Treating. She would not go to sleep, so finally Mindi just got her costume on and we took some pictures and as she got her in the stroller to head out into the night she fell asleep. All Mindi could say was, "Unbelievable!" Life just seems to go that way for us right now. Last night we were still juicing as it got dark. We took a break for dinner and then finished the rest and cleaned up. Everyone else had other things to do but those of us who were there to the end were so tired. Poor Dad had been to the hospital most of the morning having an IV as he is dehydrated and so his kidneys aren't working that well. He and Mom at 85 years old were there to the end, Dad juicing the last pomegranate at 8:10 p.m. There is such a great feeling when it is over and you know it will be a year before we do it again. We did have more help than we ever have and it was nice that Julie is back from the mission to help. As I was picking on Wednesday I had such a strong sense of admiration and love for my Aunt Tenna who worked so hard and taught my Mom how to do it. It will be fun to see her again and I know she was smiling down from Heaven on us as we forged ahead. Now the fun part starts next week as week start making the jelly, that's another story. I need a few days to rest and work on my house, then I will start the jelly.

 

 

Pomegranate Time, Oh My!

Last week was crazy and this one doesn't look that much better. I felt so good on Saturday and got a lot accomplished. I was feeling really good about myself when as I was sitting in Stake Conference I started feeling sick again. My head was pounding and by the time I got home  was chilling, running a fever and shivering. I jumped into the hot bath, took some medicine and went to bed. I think I was up almost every hour on the hour during the night and felt like I'd been hit by a bus by morning. What the heck is wrong with me? My Mom kept calling me during the day checking on how I was doing and said, "boy you sure picked up a nasty bug." You Think! We just got home from picking pomegranates at my friend Sandy's house. She lets us have the fruit and then we make her some jelly, it works for me. It was so fun to have Julie back and she brought Aubrey and her little grandson Jonah, who wasn't feeling that great. My sister Mell, Mindi and I all got it done in under two hours. Last year it took us twice as long, so it was so nice to have the help. Now if I can just get Mindi's boys and their friends to help me pick my trees we will have all the fruit ready to start juicing on Friday. My plans to go to Florida to watch Spencer play have changed. We were going to leave Dave here to take care of kids, animals, and the house but it never really felt right for me. I don't think a cross country flight is the way to go for someone who is afraid to get on an airplane. I wish I had the courage to trust things in my life to go well, but if I don't feel good about it, I'm not going to do it just because others think I should. It seems like since I turned sixty and went to Landmark I'm not the same person. I'm getting really tired of the status quo and am searching for that new possibility they talked so much about at my forum. Someday I will have the courage to make that jump and have that new possibility I so need.

I Must Be An Idiot

It seems like the weeks are passing by so quickly that it will be Christmas before we know it. Yesterday was busy with a neighborhood luncheon and another volleyball game. As I was working around the house I pulled a rug out and there was a big scorpion under it. I didn't have shoes on and it didn't look like it was going anywhere, so I just grabbed some Clorox cleaner from my bathroom and sprayed it, thinking that would kill it. Later on in the evening as I was taking the food out to the dogs I felt a pain that made me think I had stepped on a piece of glass. Then I realized it was my friend, Mr. Scorpion that I hadn't killed. It got me on the side of my ankle and has been paining and numb since last night. This time Mindi pulled the rug out and stomped on it. I am convinced that I must just be an idiot sometimes. Why didn't I kill the dang thing? It sure would have saved me a lot of suffering and sleep. As I was telling Spencer about it he started laughing and said, "I'm surprised you even feel it anymore with all the times you've been stung, maybe you should wear some shoes." It was pretty funny and there's nothing I can do about it but laugh. But the next time I see one of these nasty things, I will find something and kill it before it has time to sting me again.

"If You Aren't Going To Help"

This morning when I went out to feed the animals there was a cool breeze blowing and the warm sun touching my skin. I felt such a strong feeling of gratitude to be up and moving after spending a day in bed and a few days getting back to normal. I talked to my daughter-in-law this week who struggled with an extremely infected ear all weekend. She said, "if you don't have your health, you don't really have anything." I have found this so true for me too. Tristyn's volleyball season is coming to an end, she only has two games left. As we have seen this little team struggle to play at their potential we heard a lot of complaints about the coach, some parents even wanting to get him fired. Mindi had finally had enough, so yesterday she went over to the house where the girls eat before the game and gave them a little pep talk. She talked about her experience with this coach, he being her very first coach when she was in 9th grade. She talked about her challenges as a high school and college athlete, then a coach and now as a mother of five kids. She told a story that Spencer told me his NFL coach shared with his players. He told them that after the devastating earthquake hit Turkey there was a young father who ran to the school where his son was when the earthquake hit. It was in ruins, so the father started digging with his bare hands hoping to find his child. All the people who saw him would tell him it was no use, the children were dead in the collapse of their school. The father kept digging and finally said, "If your aren't going to help me then move out of my way." How many times in my life have I felt that it was futile, I would never be okay again? Anyway, after 72 hours they found the whole classroom of kids alive. I think I remember hearing about this and the children had been found in an air pocket under the piles of rocks. These young kids today are so spoiled and don't really know how hard life is for some in other parts of the world. They played so well last night it looked like a different team. So, today they have asked her to come back and tell some more stories to get them pumped up for the game tonight. It isn't about winning and losing but it is all about attitude and hard work. I'm so thankful for all those around me that are such good examples of hard work and sacrifice, I wouldn't be the same without them.

Thankful To Be Out Of Bed

Last weekend was busy with our Ward party a wedding reception and church. I kept feeling like I was getting sick but never really got bad enough to stay down. Yesterday I got up and started working around the house when I hit the wall. I started chilling and running a fever and felt like crap. I spent the rest of the day in bed, taking my temperature and trying to control the pain. It's been a long time since I felt that bad. I have heard from several people that this 24 hour flu is going around where you run a fever have a terrible headache and then you feel better. As I was lying in bed praying to get well, I wondered how those that are truly too sick to get out of bed day after day do it. I look around my house and see all that needs to be done and even though I'm still not back to normal at least I can function a little bit. On Sunday night we went over to Ethan and Jenn's for dinner and then went out to their new house to see the progress that has been made on the house they are fixing up to live in until they can build something bigger and better. The property is way out East but there is a calm peaceful feeling there. It reminded me of when we first moved to Gilbert and there were very few homes around us and it had such a nice country feeling to it. Rich and I have contemplated selling this house and moving out there and building something but feel we are to old and tired to start over. It has taken us seventeen years just to get this house finished and it still needs lots of work done to it. It was so fun to have Mom and Dad come out and we had eleven of our seventeen grandchildren there. They had so much fun running around the yard, climbing dirt piles and catching lizards. I'm thankful to be up and feeling better today, being sick is not fun and I have so much to do to keep things running around here, besides I think my animals missed me.

 

"Saturday Is A Special Day"

"Saturday is a special day, it's the day we get ready for Sunday." I don't know why that little Primary song keeps going through my head but it is. The weather has finally cooled off a little bit and I've already forgotten how miserable the summer was. Rich has planted our winter lawn and is in the process of planting flowers in the flower beds in the front. This is always an emotional day as I see the purple flowers being planted in memory of sweet Kamber.  It's hard to believe it's been five years and we still have hard days, but finally there are more good days than bad, so we are thankful for that. Mindi has been crazy trying to find Halloween costumes for her little goblins. This is when I'm so thankful to be a grandma and not have to worry about those dang costumes, I'm not a very big fan of Halloween. I know lots of people who love dressing up and have amazing abilities to transform themselves, but to me it's just too much work. We have our ward Fall Festival and a wedding reception tonight, church tomorrow and then next week is busy with volleyball games and picking and juicing pomegranates. Then there's Halloween and getting my house ready for Thanksgiving. I'm trying to pace myself so I don't end up having a breakdown, but this is such a busy and fun time of year. Life would be so boring if I didn't have so much to do, but I'm going to need a nap for sure to be able to get through all these activities.

"Why Shouldn't You Be Happy?"

Sunday night when I went to bed I was really upset and irritated. I wonder why I let myself fall in to those traps time and time again that put me in a bad mood and affect my self esteem. So Monday morning I pulled out my I Pad and started reading a book Spencer had suggested to me. The chapter was titled, "The Path of Unconditional Happiness." The author talks about how the highest spiritual path is life itself. He then says, "Do you want to be happy, or do you not want to be happy?" I have struggled with this question for most of my life. I have seen others that just seem to be happy all the time no matter what their circumstances are. "The purpose of your life is to enjoy and learn from you experiences. You were not put on this Earth to suffer. The fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience." It sounds so simple but how do you live that way? How do you not let things upset you that really push your buttons? I know lots of times I get stuck into the past thinking about all those things that have affected me. I think I have dealt with them and all of a sudden they are back in my brain making me upset.  In the book he says, "Think of how much energy is wasted resisting what has already happened. Since the event has already passed, you are actually struggling with yourself, not with the event. In addition, contemplate how much energy is wasted resisting what might happen. Since most of the things you think might happen never do, you are just throwing your energy away." Maybe that's why I'm always so tired, using up all my energy on things I can't control. I loved this paragraph when he says, "In the end, enjoying life's experiences is the only rational thing to do. You're sitting on a planet spinning around in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Go ahead, take a look at reality. You're floating in empty space in a universe that goes on forever. If you have to be here, at least be happy and enjoy the experience. You're going to die anyway. Things are going to happen anyway. Why shouldn't you be happy? You gain nothing by being bothered by life's events. It doesn't change the world; you just suffer. There's always going to be something that can bother you, if you let it." It sounds so simple, but for me so hard.

"Does It Really Matter How You Die?"

Every week I think will get easier or less busy but life continues to be hectic and challenging. With the kids home from school for Fall Break, did we ever have a break in school? It was hard. I look at Mindi and wonder how she does it with teenagers and a two-year old, but she perseveres. On Thursday we had two birthdays, my sister Mell and grandson Trent. We decided to go to Scottsdale and pick up Mom and Dad and go for Mexican Food. My Aunt Sue and Uncle Carl are here from California, so they joined us and so did Rich, who was working in the area. During lunch we decided to take them up to the mansion on the hill to show them how the rich and famous live. Sister Greer doesn't like going up mountains and always backseat drives, so we sent her with Rich. I wasn't in the car but as they were heading up the driveway she said, "Oh Hell!" Yes, Sister Greer said a bad word. Anyway, as we toured this 23,000 square foot home it was overwhelming. I saw it when it was first being renovated but haven't been back to see all the furnishings, which had a million dollar budget. As we were walking from room to room with the three kitchens, ten bathrooms and who knows how many bedrooms, I lost track, I wondered what it would be like to have to clean and take care of that monster. My parents talked about how grateful they were for their small humble little home they have lived in for over fifty years. I too am happy with my modest home that we work constantly to improve. After celebrating with the older generation I went out to Basha High School to watch Tristyn play volleyball. What a good game. We ended up losing in five games, but the girls played better than I had ever seen them, so it was hard to complain. It's funny as you get older how some things just aren't that important anymore, I'm still competitive, but some things just aren't worth getting stressed out over. When you get kicked in the head a few times you realize what is really important, how you treat others. Anyway, I don't see an end to the things I need to get done. Pomegranate season is here so we are trying to decide when to harvest and juice them. I am also thinking about flying to Florida to watch Spencer play football. This is something I'm extremely afraid to do, but as I was telling my Aunt Sue about my fear she said, "Teri, does it really matter how you die? If it's your time you can't do anything about it anyway. You are missing out on so many things in your life because of your fear." There was something in that statement that made me realize that my life is limited because of my lack of faith, so today, right now I am considering getting in an airplane and flying clear across the country. Am I crazy? I think so.

 

 

"Push My Personal Handcart"

Rich got home yesterday morning after spending the weekend with his sister and her family in Utah. I know that he felt bad I didn't go with him but he likes to "speed travel," something I just physically can't do. He leaves early in the morning for the airport and spent three days flying and driving over 1700 miles. I had lots of things I wanted to get done this weekend but didn't get very much accomplished. I did make some cinnamon rolls and worked on a quilt for my sister to give to her husband. I watched eight hours of General Conference and was uplifted by the talks and music. A talk by Jeffrey R. Holland resonated with me as he talked about people who suffer from mental illness and other trials. Sometimes I feel alone in my own mind as I see others who do things I wish I could do. I felt that he really could relate and that there will be a time that the suffering will be over and we will be healed. I know my little anxiety and depression are nothing compared to some of the major mental illnesses people suffer with, but it still affects my life everyday. I'm so thankful for my family and friends who accept me as I am, and try to make things easier for me, even though I know it drives them crazy sometimes. I thought it was interesting as I listened to conference at how many talks said that life wasn't meant to be easy. That adversity and trials make us grow spiritually and become more humble and compassionate towards others. I remember hearing someone say, "at some point we will all have to push our personal handcarts up the hill." Referring to the pioneers who suffered terribly as they walked across the plains. I am thankful for my pioneer ancestors and hope to be worthy to see them on the other side.

 

 

Trulie's New Pink Pig Backpack

I didn't sleep well last night because I kept waking up and looking at the clock. Rich had to get to the airport early for his trip to Utah for his missionary reunion tomorrow night and spend time with his sister and her family. I kept thinking I would fall back to sleep but I have so much to get done, my mind was swirling. I have felt for a long time that I'm the one left behind while others around me are movers and shakers. I was the one staying home taking care of the kids while Rich worked and churched. I had a choice to either stay home or go, but I felt it was important that Rich get to go visit his family without me there. I got to thinking about my own life and how fun it would be to have a weekend with my brother and get to spend some time with him alone. I know that will never happen, but I still think it would be fun. Yesterday Mindi and I did some grocery shopping on Senior Citizen day at the grocery store. We made the mistake of taking Trulie the Tornado and it took us two hours to get through the store. As we were working our way through the store we stopped on one aisle to look for something. I was talking to a guy who was telling me about his upcoming trip to Disneyland. When Mindi pushed her little car cart with Trulie in it, there was blue fabric softener spilled all over the floor. Yes, this darling little angel of a child had grabbed a container of Purex, opened it, and poured it all down the front of her clothes and all over the floor. Mindi went to tell someone they had a "clean up on aisle 5" and we waited so no one would slip and fall. I ended up buying the half full bottle of fabric softener and a pink pig backpack Trulie had put in the cart. The money we saved shopping on this bargain day was really spent buying things that Trulie destroyed. I think next time we will just take her to daycare and shop in peace. Now that's an idea, shopping in peace.

Birthdays and Obamacare

When the weather gets hot all the flowers in front die and the sunflowers move in. I have to admit I'm not a big sunflower fan but Rich thinks it looks better than empty flower beds. Well, this Saturday I woke up and thought, "If Rich doesn't get rid of those sunflowers I'm going to pull them up when he goes to Conference this weekend." About ten minutes later he walked in and said, "do you want to come out and say goodbye to the sunflowers?" After thirty-eight years together I guess we are starting to think alike. So out they came and he hauled them out to the dump. I felt really bad on Sunday morning as I looked out my kitchen window to see all the little birds sitting on the rose tress wondering where their breakfast went. But it is so nice to look out and see the roses and I can even see the neighbors house now. Today is October 1st. and it is my grandson Troy's birthday and also my niece Alishia's. Next week it will be my sister Mell and another grandson Trent's birthday on the tenth, not to mention my son-in-law B.J. and little Dane, Spencer's baby share their birthday on the eleventh. Why all the October birthdays, what's so special about January? Spencer is back in Florida playing for the Buccaneers and hopefully their team can make some changes and win some games. Annie is leaving Denver tomorrow to go spend some time with him, he doesn't do well without his family with him. Life continues to move along, the weather is slowly cooling off and before we know it Christmas will be here. Yikes! I'm so tired of hearing about all the fighting in Washington, I don't see why the American people don't see what is happening to our country. I wonder what kind of country we will have when my grandchildren grow up. It's really scary, but maybe I should check in to getting some insurance through Obamacare, now that's an idea!

 

"Swim With The Sharks?"

I just got home from shopping at the Mall with Mindi and Trulie.  We have four birthdays the first ten days of October. As we were leaving I said, "I think I would rather swim with the sharks than shop with a two year old." Mindi then said, "wow that's really harsh. Why do you think I'm in such a bad mood everyday?" I guess it was the time of day and that I had a full bladder that ruined my shopping experience. Last night as Rich and I were eating dinner Trulie came down, climbed up on a barstool and told me she wanted to eat some cereal. What is it about Grandma's house that all the kids want cold cereal and milk? Anyway, we quite enjoyed her little personality as she was ready for bed with her jammies on and her hair still wet with that smell of fresh flowers. I have been struggling all week with my emotions and have realized that a lot of my problems are about my expectations not being fulfilled. I think my life should be different than it is, but don't know how to make it the "Knew Possibility" that I was taught at Landmark. I can't keep doing the same things over and over again and expect my life to be happier and more rewarding, but I'm too tired to volunteer at an orphanage or join the Peace Corps. As I was sitting there looking into that sweet darling face of Trulies I thought, "what I would give to be able to have Kamber sitting here having a bowl a cereal, smelling her freshly shampooed hair and listen to her tell me about her life". Trulie is just about the same age Kamber was when she went back to her Heavenly Home. After five years it's still a battle everyday to try and understand the Plan of Salvation and live a life good enough to join her someday. I love Trulie to the moon and back, but don't want to shop with her at the mall, it's just too stressful for this old grandma.

Back To Florida Spencer Goes

I have been really busy with finishing up some quilts and starting new projects. Mindi and I are also trying to find homes for many of our animals. We have gotten rid of all our tortoise hatchlings and three parakeets. Then on Monday night a nice young family came and took fourteen of my young chicks. I was feeling really good about myself and my stress has gotten better since Annie's sister Jill came and took Spencer's dog Trixie to her house. Candi came over after work and did her magic, cutting and coloring our hair. During the chaos I got a call from Spencer who was on his way to Tennessee to have a workout with the Titans. I had such a good feeling about that team and they have shown interest in him for a long time. We always pray for our children and grandchildren and hope they are protected each day from harm or accident. After losing a precious child it is always on my mind that something terrible could happen. Anyway, after feeling so hopeful and at peace, my mood changed and I just became so sad. What the heck? Is it old age, hormones, brain tumor, or just plain old life? So yesterday the phone rang and it was Spencer. He was in the airport on his way back to Florida to play for the Buccaneers. This is his third trip down that road and hopefully the last. The NFL is such a hard business to be involved with. It is a constant worry with injuries and the stress of it all. Mindi and I spent all day yesterday shopping for groceries because she had to provide food for Tristyn's volleyball team before her game today. Life is hectic and emotional for me. I miss Trixie even though she is so hard to deal with. I've had her since she was a puppy. But we still have six darling little half Shih Tzu/Golden Retriever puppies we need to find good homes for, so the saga continues.

"On The Other Side of Pain Is Ecstasy"

I had a really productive weekend. It was nice to feel good enough to work in the house and even helped Mindi because she and Dave were busy with football and volleyball tournaments all day Saturday. Even today for a Monday hasn't been that bad, so hopefully now that the weather is cooling off, I can get all my projects done and get ready for the holidays. Today is my third oldest granddaughter Kylie's birthday. Man it's making me feel old that all these kids are growing up. Soon I will have one driving and that's scaring the beezeebees out of me. A couple of weeks ago Spencer had me download a book for me to read that he thinks is good. It's called "The Untethered Soul," by Michael A. Singer. Spencer is probably my most intellectual child and because of his work he has time to read. It seems like lately almost everything that comes my way is about changing the way we think and feel. The chapter I read today is all about the pain we feel in our heart. We all have had experiences in life that has caused us pain and it's how we deal with this pain that makes the kind of life we live. He says, "If you want to be free, you must first accept that there is pain in your heart. You have stored it there. And you've done everything you can think of to keep it there, deep inside, so that you never have to feel it. There is also tremendous joy, beauty, love, and peace within you. But they are on the other side of pain. On the other side of the pain is ecstasy. On the other side is freedom. Your true greatness hides on the other side of that layer of pain. You must be willing to accept pain in order to pass through to the other side." Then he goes on to tell you how to relax and let the pain go through you. I never thought at sixty years old I would be reading books about Yoga and deep breathing and letting go of the pain, but at this age I'm up for just about anything. Except for getting in a plane or driving a car or, on and on. I don't know if there is any hope for me, but I will continue to read until something touches me deep enough to give up my fears, or hopefully go to the other side.

Is It Adult ADD or Just Procrastination?

 

Another week is coming to an end and I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far. I have decided that I have either Adult ADD or I'm just a procrastinator. About two years ago Mindi and Dave built a little bedroom off of the back of the garage to put their three boys in. After they got the room finished we were looking for bedspreads for them. Because they are so pricey and we needed three, we decided to just buy sheets and make a quilt for each of them. I got Trace's done but poor Trent and Troy have not had a big quilt for two years now. So this week I decided it was time to finish some of my projects I have been putting off before I start on one more thing. I finished Troy's yesterday and I have a friend coming over this afternoon to help me get the other one done. Then I can move on to making a quilt for my bed. We are using one I made for Candi's first marriage and it's time I made one for myself. Yesterday was a busy day with quilting and volleyball. Mindi and I went out to watch Tayler play in her tournament. She had been sick with the stomach flu but she is going to be a really good little player someday. They didn't win but we got to see her play. After her game we had to hurry to Tristyn's game at Mesa High. As we walked into the school my memories came back so strong. As a child I heard stories from my Mom about her experiences at that school. She graduated from there in 1947, wow that's a long time ago. I also remember going to the football games because we were in the same conference with them when I went to Coronado forty plus years ago. I watched Jenn and Mindi get so nervous watching their daughters play. I really enjoy watching my grandchildren play but I don't have that same nervousness and pre-game jitters as when my own kids played. I've passed the torch on to them and they can do the worrying now. In my little book "You Can Be Happy No Matter What" he says, "Happiness! It's something that all of us want but that few of us ever achieve. It is characterized by feelings of gratitude, inner peace, satisfaction, and affection for ourselves and others. Our most natural state of mind is one of contentment and joy." That's what I pray for, feelings of gratitude, peace and joy.

 

Grandma Slade's Quilt

Last weekend when we were up North for our family reunion, Rich and I had to sleep on a full sized bed. My nephew and his family came in the evening so they took all the beds in the loft. It has been a very long time since we have slept on such a small mattress. When Mom and I were making the beds while the guys were out fishing, I asked her about the quilt that was on the bed. As I was pulling it up I could see that it was starting to fray around the edges and there were some holes in it. She told me it was my Grandma Slade's quilt that she had made many, many years ago and that my aunt Nadine had given it to her. I asked her if I could take it home and try and fix it up, maybe putting some patches on the holes caused by my cigarette smoking Grandpa Slade. It has to be one of the softest quilts I have ever touched. I don't know if it is because the material is special or just because it is so old. When we got home and I showed it to Rich and told him of my plans to repair it, I was told that I shouldn't do anything to it, that is what makes the quilt special, burned holes and all. I've been thinking a lot lately about my Grandma in the White Mountains. When Len and I went to visit they put us to work catching gophers, doing laundry with the old fashioned ringer machine, gathering eggs and pulling weeds.  She taught me how to make bread and bottle pickles. I've told my Dad several times that even though she was my grandma I never felt that warm fuzzy feeling from her that I wished she could have given me. I have wondered a lot lately about my own grandchildren and worry that maybe some of them don't feel the love they need from me. Why didn't I know she had such a wonderful talent to quilt? I knew she could make bread and beans and bottle vegetables from the garden, but the quilting would have been icing on the cake for me. Sometimes when I get discouraged I wonder what my grandmas would tell me. I know Grandma Fern would tell me to keep enduring to the end, and be happy, but what would Grandma Slade say? I just wish I knew she loved to quilt, it may have made our relationship better, someday I hope to see her again and tell her how I felt as a little girl. Maybe then I will get the warm fuzzy feelings I so desperately needed.

Needing Some Rest and Relaxation (R&R)

 A week ago I was on my way to the mountains for a reunion. I just can't believe how fast the weeks are going by. Spencer is back in Florida practicing with the Buccaneers, while Annie has the kids in Denver hoping to not wash away with all the rain and flooding they are having in Colorado. It seems like there is always something going on in the world to cause concern. I remember sitting in the bathtub the other night kind of discouraged about life right now. You would think at the age of sixty, things would be winding down and we would have more leisure time and rest. Two nights this week Rich got home at around 8:00 p.m. and I find myself alone more now than ever. In order to stay in our house and live the lifestyle we have, he needs to work around sixty or more hours a week. I lost track of time a long time ago. He is teaching the eleven year old boys in Primary and so on Wednesdays he has scouts with them and tonight they are all coming over for a campout in our backyard. Mindi is feeding the missionaries and I'm trying to find somewhere to go for some R and R. I have been reading my book, "Enjoy Life's Journey" the chapters are on marriage. She talks about the differences between men and women, it is amazing that we ever can get along. Men are left brain thinkers which houses more logical, factual and aggressive centers of thought. Women are more right brained which houses feelings of tenderness, language skills, and relationship skills. Rich is a really good listener but sometimes our communication is a few words before we go to bed. She talks about how we need to be aware of at least three basic emotional needs. They are: (1) We each need to feel that we are truly number one in our partners, life, that our happiness and welfare come first. (2) In a marriage, each partner needs to feel the other person's strength. (3) Each partner needs to feel needed by the other. Our need is to know we are loved. Sometimes I feel it would have been better for all of us if I had just been an old maid school teacher, but then when I look at all I have learned from my trials of being married and having children I come to my senses. I'm really trying to enjoy life's journey but I still need some R and R sometimes.

Greer "Coat of Arms"

 

Last year we didn't think Dad was going to make it through the treatments for prostate cancer. With good medical care and lots of prayers, he is doing better than he has for a long time. He grew up in a small town in northern Arizona named Eagar. He had quite a tough time with the use of alcohol in his family, another story.  Anyway, for the last twenty plus years he and my Mom have planted a garden up there and in the fall they harvest it before it freezes. He really wanted to have a family reunion up there to pick the corn, fish and be together. This has been the first time in three years our immediate family has been together and even with all the conflicts and illness we had a good turnout and a fun time. Mindi had planned on bringing her kids up while Dave watched the animals and get Tristyn to her volleyball tournament. But Trulie started throwing up Thursday night so we uninvited her. Spencer surprised us and drove from Denver with his little family and without them Rich and I wouldn't have had any support. We stayed up way to late talking on Friday, so when the kids started playing at 6:30 a.m. it was hard, but I can do anything for at least one day. The guys went up to Big Lake to fish while we stayed home and got ready for the rest of the family coming for dinner. We shucked corn, moved tables and got ready to feed the fifty or so people attending. Dad bought steaks and hamburgers and we had just a wonderful meal together. After eating Len gathered us all together to tell us about our ancestors who had come before us. It had a missionary twist to it, he's still in that missionary mode and will probably always be there. He gave a quote that is on the Greer "Coat of Arms" that says, "He who careth not whence he came careth not whither he goes." It was a nice little devotional and then we went out and cut the corn field down to make corn shocks to put up in front of our houses for Thanksgiving. Each family took a picture with Mom and Dad in front of the garden. Who knows if we will ever be able to do that again. It is always hard to try and find time to be together as a family, but I think my parents will remember this for a very long time and know that we all love and support them to the end.

Going To Eagar

When Rich and I went up to Utah for his family reunion, his super talented sister and her daughter had made a darling quilt to raffle off at their reunion. On Monday I got a bee in my bonnet and decided I would try and make one for our family. I was doing really well on it until I was awake for three hours last night worrying how I could finish it in two days. I was still working on the back and trying to embroider letters and numbers early this morning. As Mindi and I left for the grocery store she could tell I was struggling with decisions and sleep deprivation. All it took was for her to say, "Mom, why don't you just wait and finish it later, then you won't be so stressed out." I felt sad for about five seconds and then relieved. My Dad has decided to get all the kids and grand kids together this weekend up in Eagar for a little reunion and steak fry. He has a small corn field that he's been working on all summer and wants us all to get together up there. With Len and Julie home from their mission, this will be the first year we could all be together. We only have about fifty people going because there is always work and sports commitments, but it should be fun for those that can come. I will be so glad when this summer comes to an end. We are still having record breaking temperatures and that makes me despondent. This summer has been a crazy one for me. I turned sixty years old in May. Went to the beach in June and rode the waves with Spencer. I never thought I would do that with an artificial hip. In July I attended the Landmark Forum where I learned there is a "New Possibility" for me. I'm still trying to find out how I can do that, I'm still stuck in that same pattern of dysfunction. Then last week I floated the Salt River with some friends and family. I never thought I would do that with a bad hip either, but it was so fun. So maybe there is a new possibility for me out there somewhere. All I know is that my life hasn't been what I thought it would be when I was a young girl looking for the "Happy Ever After." Maybe that just never was a possibility for me.

Doing Something "Unreasonable"

Part of what I learned at the Landmark Forum is to get out my comfort zone. To do things that are "unreasonable" for me to do. Although I don't think I'm quite ready to drive or fly, I have done some things lately that I probably wouldn't have done last month. Candi and B.J. wanted to get some family members together and go floating down the Salt River. We used to take the kids all the time for Family Night and  float the river and then eat dinner there. It has probably been at least twenty something years since I've been. One of the last times Spencer almost drowned and Ethan pulled him out, lucky us. This morning Mindi and I met Candi, B.J., Leah and her husband Dan, and their brother Tanner at the river and we spent almost three hours floating the river. It wasn't running very fast so we spent a lot of the time dragging on the rocks and trying to stay out of the trees. We were lucky that it was mostly cloudy, but the sun was intense on my face and legs. If I go again I will definitely wear pants and a long sleeve shirt. The desert is really pretty to me. I pulled my camera out as we were floating but the lense didn't open up all the way so I only got partial pictures, darn it. A few times we heard thunder and thought it was going to rain but it never did. At the end you have to get over to the side and get out or you will end up floating to Mexico. Mindi and I were tied together and then we had a rope to keep us with the others. When it was time to get out she jumped off her tube and dropped the rope and I kept going downstream. Mindi was trying to swim but hit a rock so B.J. and Candi took off running on the side of the river until Candi finally caught up with me. Boy did I have a hard time getting out of my tube on the slippery rocks with my bad hip and a cramp in the back of my hamstring. A really nice, and cute young guy that was there with his son came out to help pull me closer to shore. It took three of my kids to finally get me upright. We had so much fun laughing all the way down. I know we could have stayed home and got more laundry and cleaning done, but it was totally "unreasonable" for me to take off and do something hard. I am so tired, but so glad to have spent some time with my girls.

Add Buccaners To The List

On Sunday I still wasn't feeling that well so after Sacrament Meeting I came home. I was having my parents and a friend over for dinner so I needed to do some preparation anyway. I turned on the television to watch a little bit of the game that Spencer was suppose to be playing in Saturday night. As I was watching it, I had the strangest thought go through my mind. I heard a little voice telling me that he wouldn't be playing on this team. About fifteen minutes later I got a call from Spencer, he was sitting in an airport waiting to go back to Denver. All he said was that they cut him that morning three hours before his arrival at the airport. As a Mother we really try to make things better when there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent trials and adversity in the lives of our children and grandchildren. It didn't matter what I said, they were empty words. Spencer will be fine no matter where life takes him. He has his degree and is certified to do his MAT treatments. The NFL is a cutthroat business. They don't care about their players unless they are going to make them millions. It just gives me another team to hate besides the Broncos and the Patriots. I never felt good about him being on the east coast and the Buccaneers have MRSA, a serious staph infection, going through their locker room anyway. Good riddens to them. I hope I'm not sounding too bitter but I guess I am. Anyway, I just got home from the doctor and I don't have strep throat, thank heavens. This is going on two weeks since I came down with this illness and it needs to go away soon. I continue to step in all those traps my dear ones put in my way, and boy how I love the rackets we run, it makes life so much fun.

"Creating a New Possibilty"

I spent last weekend on a very long, hard and exhausting adventure attending the Landmark. When I got home Sunday night I was trying to talk to Rich about my experience and the emotions were so raw and I was so extremely tired, I couldn't even think straight. Then Monday morning hit and I was sick. I guess the stress of the week was so bad on my body that I went straight into an illness. I had a sore throat, coughing, sneezing and everything else that goes with a virus. I tried everything I could to get better, but basically spent all week resting and catching up on chores around the house. I was also in a brain fog, trying to process all the information I had been taught over the weekend. The Landmark is a discovery of who we are and what we do in our lives that keep us stuck doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. I have been stuck for a long time in various "rackets" with members of my family and even myself. The definition of a racket is "a fixed way of being. A persistent complaint." Wow, it sounds like my whole life, complaining about everything from my parents, husband, children and even my genetics. Yesterday the clouds started lifting and I think I have finally started to get physically and mentally better. I have spent so much time fretting about dieting, money, animals, anxiety, and so many other things that I have missed out on a lot of experiences in my life. The whole thing comes down to not living in the past, that's gone, and the future hasn't happened yet, so the only thing we have is this moment right now. And after this moment there is another moment, and on and on. I mainly went to this Forum to get clear on the death of Kamber. Having a grandchild pass away is devastating and I have spent the last five years somewhere no one should be. Her death was tragic, but I know she is where she is suppose to be or Heavenly Father or angels or someone would have pulled her out and saved her. That wasn't meant to be, so now I need to create a "new possibility" that I can find peace and love and acceptance in my life. I know I have a lot more to learn and we never know how much time we have left to learn it. This is a process, trying to change the way you live and think. I'm so thankful for the opportunity I had to do something that will hopefully change me for the better.

I Am Perfectly Imperfect

I have spent the last three days in Scottsdale at a seminar called the Landmark Forum. I learned a lot of things about myself that I didn't know seventy-two hours ago. I went because I wanted to get clarity on a few things that have happened in my life that have kept me stuck doing the same things over and over again. I wanted to get clear on why I am the way I am and why I do and feel the way I do. I got lots of good information and a sense of where my life is headed. The main thing I got was that I CAN do hard things. I can honestly say this was one of the most grueling things I have done, besides being big and pregnant four times. Because I am sixty years old it was extremely hard to sit in a chair from 9 a.m. to 10: p.m., three days in a row, but I did it! I learned so much that my head is still spinning, hopefully I will be able to process all this information and have it make a difference in my life. I learned that I run rackets all the time, and that I have three major strengths that I can't change. There were 157 people in our Forum, from all races, religions and cultures. I met some really wonderful people. On the way home, Mindi and I were talking about our experience and how it has changed us. I guess the main thing I got out of this was how blessed I really am. I have had great parents who only wanted the best for me. I was brought up with strong morals and gospel teachings. I have a wonderful husband and four great kids and seventeen grandchildren, and that we are all perfectly, imperfect. It is okay to be who I am, who else would I want to be? Anyway, it's good to be home and just feel relaxed and be able to get the things done around my house that were left behind last week. All the animals survived without my tender loving care so thanks to all those who helped. My life has many possibilities to be better than I ever thought it could be, it is all up to me to just do it now.

"Gird Up Your Loins"

This week has been crazy but now that I think about it all my weeks seem to be stressful. I thought once the kids went back to school it would be less hectic, but now all our babysitters are in school so Trulie is an only child all day long. On Tuesday Mindi had to go to Jury Duty. A girl that sometimes watches her had a kid that was throwing up, so I ended up getting to spend some "grandma time" with her. I took her out to water the plants and play in the hose and then brought her in while I quickly jumped in the shower and got ready for the day. When I turned around she had put Carmex all over her face and lips. She gave herself a facial with it. I cleaned her up and as I was putting on my makeup I saw her with my duster and water running down it. She had decided to clean the toilet with my duster. I was so proud of myself, I didn't even cuss, I just got the real toilet bowl cleaner and let her go to town on it. I found a container of creams that Mindi didn't want, so I put them on the floor for her to play with and within seconds she had the lids off and was squirting them all over her legs. By this time I was getting frustrated so I started calling her mother to see how much longer she would be. By then Trulie was asking for some chocolate milk and her blanket so I went in and rocked her and before I knew it she was asleep, snoring. Mindi called and said she was almost home and boy was I happy to see her pull in. That is why mothers need to be young, 60 is too old to be taking care of a two year old. I know there are some grandmas who have to take care of their grandchildren because of situations beyond their control and my hat goes off to them. They are special people. I have had anxiety all week about going to the Landmark Forum this weekend. Mindi and I will be going to North Scottsdale for a three day seminar starting in the morning. We have tried really hard to prepare the husbands, kids and animals so we can be gone. I haven't been sleeping good and having a hard time even eating I'm so nervous. This is something that I hope will help me move forward with my life. To let me give up the past and move into the future and be a better me. I don't know if I will be able to sit for thirteen hours for three days, but I'm going to try and get through it. When Kamber passed away it was the hardest trial I have ever endured. Every time we had to do something hard I would say to myself "gird up your loins, fresh courage take," from the song "Come, Come Ye Saints. So tomorrow after I get ready and feed my animals, I will be on a trek doing something that is very hard for me, going in to a crowd of people that I don't know and opening up, sharing my thoughts and feelings. I have hope and faith I can make it through this experience. Say a prayer for me.

"Pray for Sharks?"

I spent most of last week in my "end of summer funk." That is when August hits and it is still 108 degrees everyday and my pool turns green. We fight it every year. Sparkling blue water for ten months and then when the temps hit 119 and the monsoons blow in, the water goes crazy and the algae blooms, turning my beautiful pool into a pea green color.  Rich has spent a pretty penny and lots of work to try and restore it back to blue water, so hopefully before it gets too cold to swim we will get it back to normal. Spencer is still in Florida in training camp with the Buccaneers. Annie was there all last week enjoying the weather. Not really, the heat index one day was 121 degrees, but I think their visit lifted his spirits. The NFL is a hard gig and I don't know how families with little kids do it playing for different teams every year. I will be glad when someday they are settled in a nice area and I don't have to worry everyday about getting a call about an injury. It's tough being a Mom. Today in my reading "Enjoy Life's Journey," she was talking about marriage. Sometimes Rich and I struggle in that area, no news flash there.  I was reading about how we can enhance our marriage by doing a few things like, sacrifice, being flexible, taking each other less for granted, foster a healthy dependence and take responsibility for your own growth and happiness. Are you kidding me, Rich isn't suppose to make me happy for 50 years? Anyway, she told a little story about a little old couple who had told her how they prayed for "Sharks" in their marriage. When she asked them what "sharks" meant, it was trials. They had heard a little story about five men who were adrift on a rubber raft in the Atlantic Ocean. They despaired for their lives. They were all asleep when a shark bumped the raft trying to overturn it. This awakened them and they thought that was the end. They tried to fight it off with a four-inch pocket knife. The activity on the raft was seen by a seaman on a passing freighter, which rescued them. They had been sound asleep. The shark awakened them and the terror caused enough activity that they were rescued. Sometimes we need to be rescued from ourselves!" Cute little story but I don't really enjoy all the sharks that circle around me daily. Life is hard but we continue to have hope in the future and I pray that the sharks will leave me alone, at least for a little while.

Reverse Bucket List

It was nice to wake up this morning to temps in the 70's and a light rain. We appreciate every drop of moisture we get here in the desert. The month of August is a busy one for us. We have six birthdays, the start of school and Mindi's wedding anniversary. On Saturday I went to a birthday party for Major who was going to turn eight on Sunday. They had it at a trampoline, jumping extravaganza place in Chandler. I sat for two hours on a picnic bench listening to hundreds of kids having fun. When we left I had the worst headache ever. As we were leaving I made the comment that I can put this place in my category never to go to again, with Golfland and Knotts Berry Farm. My son-in-law Dave said, "you know Teri, most people have a bucket list of things they want to do before they die. You have a list of things you are never going to do again." He's right, the older I get the more picky I'm going to be about the places I get myself stuck in. Tristyn turned fifteen yesterday. I hardly saw her all day because she spent all her time with her friends. Oh the good old days of being a teenager. Today is my daughter-in-law Jenn's birthday. I don't even know how old she is but she is special to our family. Any mother who has had to bury a child and carried on, has my total admiration and respect. Annie left Monday to see Spencer in Florida. He doesn't do well in training camp when he doesn't see his family, so I'm glad she and the kids made it down to visit him. She called yesterday and boy does she appreciate the "dry heat" here in Arizona because the humidity is terrible there. She has two kids born in August too and I made a little Minnie Mouse quilt for Abney and sent them some clothes. Last summer I started a flip flop quilt for me, but as fall came I lost interest in it. When I got home from the beach I decided I would finish it as my summer project. When I got it done I felt like I needed to give it to Jenn. I had put a quilt square on the back of a picture of Kamber. I gave it to her on Saturday and she seemed to like it. So I came home and started making some flip flops for my own quilt, it will probably look a lot like the first one, and hopefully it won't take me a year to finish it but I know I did the right thing. Life continues to teach me lessons I need to learn. I still find myself letting others affect the way I feel about myself. Those traps are just sitting there waiting for me to put my leg in, but hopefully someday I can overcome some of these feelings and get myself in a better place.

Five Years Ago and Breakthroughs and Breakdowns

I can't believe how fast the week has gone by. On Monday Rich and I went out to see Ethan who was sick with the flu. He had been feeling terrible all day and needed a blessing. So off we went to do a mission of mercy for him and are thankful he is well. On Tuesday evening Mindi and I traveled to North Scottsdale to participate in a seminar that Candi had attended all weekend. It is called the Landmark Forum and is a worldwide organization that helps people in their lives. They have family come out for support and hopefully get them to sign up for a future forum. As we drove home around 11:00 p.m. I was so tired, but felt like it was where we needed to be. One of the things I heard was just how so many people struggle with relationships with their Moms, Dads and siblings.  As they shared their stories I was amazed that people would not have spoken to a parent for over three years. Another thing was how we need to let go of the past and move towards living in the here and now. All I could think of is how much the loss of my fifth child through miscarriage and Kamber's drowning had kept me stuck in the past. We can't really have any quality of life if we are worrying about something that happened twenty-seven years, or even five years ago. So with Candi's help, Mindi and I are signed up to attend the forum later on this month. I know I have a lot of issues that I need to work through and overcome, and hopefully this will help me. Today is Spencer's second little guy, Gunnar's birthday. He turned five years old today. He is special to our family because he was born on the day we buried Kamber. It won't ever be hard to remember how old he is and he was even named after her. Spencer is still in Florida practicing with the Buccaneers and enjoying the swamp down there, but everyday he doesn't have an injury is an answer to our prayers. Life is short and as we continue to have breakthroughs and breakdowns in our lives, that is what it is being a human on this planet.

"Silk Purse Out Of A Sow's Ear?"

My weekend started with a call early Friday morning from Spencer who was in the Houston airport waiting for a connecting flight to Florida. He has signed a contract to play with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers next season. My heart and mind have been busy all weekend trying to make sense of my son being so far away from home and his family, trying out for a job to play football. After the injuries he had last season and with the birth of his fourth child, the stakes get higher and higher playing football. I remember taking him to get a sports physical to play high school ball and the doctor asking me, " are you sure you want him to play football? The statistics say that 25% of all kids who play football end up with a life altering injury." I still can remember the doctor and the fear, but Spencer loves the game. The NFL is a cutthroat operation and they only keep you if they think you can help them win games and sell tickets. Last night we went out to the property Ethan has put money down on and is going to build a house on. He bought it from an old farmer and hopefully he will be able to make a "silk purse out of a sow's ear." I made some homemade strawberry/  banana ice cream and we all went out to see the progress they are making on getting the double wide ready for Jenn and the kids to move in to. It is quite the project, but if anyone can do it Ethan and Rich can. The first time I went out I was in tears as we left the property. It was so overwhelming and the thought of five of my grandchildren moving into a beat up old stinky trailer made me so sad. But as Ethan has been working on making it liveable, I am feeling much better about it and I think they will be fine out there. As we left last night there were some white and grey puffy clouds and you could see the San Tan mountains. It is a quiet little area with goats and horses. It reminds me of this area when we moved in seventeen years ago. Life always has the twists and turns, trials and tribulations, but sometimes when we are with our family it is heaven, and I know Kamber is looking down on them and helping whenever she can.

"Trials, Troubles and Triumphs"

Last night as I went to sleep I heard on the news of a little two-year old girl who had passed away after being found in a pool unresponsive. My heart hurt for the family of this child. Five years ago today our family was sent into that same spiral of absolute shock and grief. As I was reading my book, Enjoy Life's Journey the chapter was titled "Trials, Troubles and Triumphs." She says, Trials are given purposely to help us develop character. God uses our fiery trials to transform us. It is through our difficulties that we will come to understand our strengths and weaknesses. God knows them, but we need to know them ourselves to understand that the judgment of God is just. Every challenge has a great effect upon our eternal destiny, depending upon how we meet and overcome our problems and pain." This morning I woke up at 4:15 again. My mind was just racing thinking about all that has happened in the last five years. There have been six more grandchildren born. Several have been baptized and Trace has been given the Aaronic Priesthood. Everyone is progressing along but Kamber, who will forever be only two years old in my mind. I tried to remember her and her cute little personality and how loving and affectionate she was. Then I remembered that very spiritual and sacred day when our family met together and dressed her for burial. Jenn curled her hair and each of her aunts painted her little toes before they put her little flip flops on. I look at how my testimony has grown and that I KNOW she is waiting on the other side for her family to join her. I have such empathy for those mothers who have lost children now. I think it is through these trials that we learn to have charity for those around us. Our family is far from perfect and I have to work everyday to keep my sanity, but hopefully we are moving closer to Heaven. As my little book says, "Tribulation is often the paintbrush God uses to create a masterpiece on the canvas of our lives. In Heavenly Father's divine plan for each of us, every problem has a purpose! Pain and problems are the challenges given for our growth by a loving Heavenly Father. When we are able to overcome each problem, we step up to another level of progression, and our eyes will be opened to new wisdom and knowledge." I won't go back and wonder why she had to leave so young, I trust God's plan for her and hope that through our trials we will become more like the Savior.