Funeral For Lance

Last week was a really hard one for our family. Nothing like a death in the family to get everyone out of sorts. Yesterday was the funeral for Lance. My brother Len got to come home for 36 hours to spend with his family before heading back to finish his mission. They will be home in a month and it will be so nice to have him back for good. Yesterday in the funeral he gave a talk about three principles they teach while serving in the mission. Number one is that "God is a loving Heavenly Father and he loves all of his children. Because he loves us he has an eternal plan for us." Number two is that "Because he loves us he has an eternal plan for us, the plan of happiness." This plan includes three stages, Pre-Mortal Life, Birth to Resurrection and then Life After Death. Then the third principle he talked about was the Atonement which covers all of our sadness, illness, trials and compensates us for all the injustices that we will have in our lives. I have wondered a lot lately why our loving Heavenly Father would take a young husband and father away from his family. But then again why would he take the very young children like Kamber, who have their whole lives ahead of them back to heaven? I feel like the older I get the dumber I become. I also realize that at any time our lives can change. All we have is today so each day needs to count for something because we never know what tomorrow will bring.

Memorial Day 2013

We are celebrating Memorial Day the Larsen way. Since the kids were little, Rich has made every holiday a day to get things done around the house. He is so busy with his job and there is so much to do around the house, we have always had a project to do on the holidays. We have a couple of guys putting the roof back on Mindi's house that blew off and Dave is putting in a new stereo out by the pool. I haven't seen Rich yet, but I'm sure he's doing something in the garage or barn. The Boston Larsens have arrived home and boy was it fun to spend some time with them yesterday. We had dinner and then met up with the extended family at the cemetery, something we have done for a long time. We are getting so big we almost need a crossing guard to get across the streets while decorating graves. This year has been hard because of the passing of Lance Craig, my nieces husband. As we were coming home from the cemetery I told Rich how sad I am for Mary. I remember the first few years after Kamber passed away how my heart felt like it was going to explode with anger and sadness. I can honestly say that I feel some closure and acceptance about her death. Five years has gone by and the sting is finally going away and I can just be thankful for the two years we had with her. I'm thankful for my testimony that there is life beyond the grave and we will see those loved ones who have gone before us again. I'm also thankful for all those who have served our country in the military who keep us free, and know of the sacrifice they have made for us. I am truly blessed.

"The Best Day Ever"

Yesterday was the "best day ever!" Not really, but it was a milestone day for me as I turned sixty years old. WOW, when I woke up I thought I would feel different, but it was the same old me. My sister had planned on taking me to lunch but when I woke up I felt inspired that we should go to Scottsdale and have lunch with the people who brought me into this world and have been my biggest source of love and support throughout my life. It was good to see Dad smiling again and having an appetite, as he has been fighting prostate cancer for the last eleven years. At eighty-four years old we feel lucky that our parents are still living in their home and able to take care of each other. It could be a whole lot worse. I had so many calls and well wishes it made me feel loved. I appreciate all those who called and brought by little treats and gifts, I truly don't deserve all the blessings I have been given. Now today I am back to reality, there are dishes and laundry to do, plus animals that need to be fed. We are also preparing for all the family that will be arriving this weekend as Mary comes home to plan a funeral for her husband Lance. Also, Spencer and Annie are coming on Saturday, so it will be a busy start to the summer. As I have struggled with anxiety and depression, plus the lack of self esteem I have learned that we can't change any one but ourselves. The older I get the more I understand that everyone has their free agency to do what they want, including myself. My testimony is strong that I know I lived before I came to earth, and when I leave this mortal life and ;pass through the veil I will be home, being united with those that have passed on before me. I hope to live a life worthy to see Kamber, as I know she loves her family and wants us to do what is right. Life is good, and I'm thankful for all my experiences that have made me who I am, even though I'm now a senior citizen.

So Sad About Lance

A couple of weeks ago when we were in the hospital with Rich waiting for him to go into surgery, the anesthesiologist came in to talk to us. I asked him if he knew Lance Craig, my nieces husband who used to work at the same hospital as a nurse anesthetist. Their eyes lit up as we talked about what a great guy Lance was. When they left the room the nurse said, "I just want you to know that Lance was the kindness, most professional person I know. He always let people feel like he really cared about them." I have thought about that so many times over the last two weeks, thinking I should give Mary and Lance a call and tell them what these co workers said about him. I never did act on those inspirations and last night Lance passed away. I will never get to tell him what I needed to. When I talked to Mary yesterday and told her my experience in the hospital, I also told her what I felt about Lance. I never saw him upset or mad, he seemed to be such a special kind of person. They moved to Indiana last year and he has been sick since January. As I talked to my Brother Len last night, Lance has had some health challenges that were never going to let him stay that long on this earth. Now Mary will have to raise her three children by herself. I am so thankful she has her training as an RN and has worked in the hospital with critically ill patients, she should be okay. As we talked, I told her I wished the Savior could come down and heal her husband, but I also know that we will not be on this earth one day longer than we are suppose to be, and Lance was suffering and now he is free and out of pain. We know we will see him again and that families can be together forever, but right now we are so sad. Memorial Day is this weekend and now we have another person to remember that has touched our lives and hopefully he knows how much we loved him.

"Taking Things Way Too Personal"

Last night as Rich and I were getting ready for bed I could see he still doesn't look well. I asked him what was going on and even though he is feeling better there are still challenges. He has spent the last two weeks sick, had surgery, went back to work too soon, and now that he's gotten the stint that went from his kidney to his bladder taken out, we are hoping he will get stronger everyday. I told him last night I feel life is just one big problem. His answer was, "especially in construction." I was feeling really secure the other day when I noticed I hadn't seen any scorpions lately. I was hoping the cold weather this winter might have killed them all. NAH! As I was pulling the comforter down from my bed last night I felt that awful sting and knew I had been stung by one of those little creatures. After saying a few choice words, I grabbed a cup and filled it with water hoping the dang thing would drown. What a horrible time to get stung right before bed. Then I was on a mission to stop the never ending throbbing at the top of my thigh. I must be a scorpion magnet because I think of all the family, I've been stung the most. In the book, The Road Less Traveled, by Scott Peck he says, "Life is difficult. This is a great truth-one of the greatest truths. It is great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult, once we truly understand and accept it, then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. When we do not understand this truth, we moan and groan about the enormity of our problems. We pound on doors, and jump up and down, imagining that somewhere, somehow, life is easy and we've been cheated. Where did we get the idea life should be easy?" I know for sure life is not easy. I've been really worried lately about some things in my life. As I was telling Rich about my concerns he finally said, "Dewey, I think you are taking this WAY too personal." I need to respect the choices those close to me decide to do and concentrate on my own happiness. That is so, so hard for me to do. The old "Free Agency" concept concerning my family makes me disappointed and crazy. But then again, life isn't suppose to be easy.

What Kind of Feathers?

I had a really nice day on Sunday with all my children doing something nice for me and making me feel special. It's nice to be remembered and appreciated. Yesterday morning when I woke up the thought came into my mind that we need to print T shirts that say, "I survived Mother's Day." Or one like the one Spencer sent me that said "Boston Strong" but maybe it could say "Mother Strong." On Sunday I sat by a darling girl in my ward that I am embarrassed to say I didn't embrace when she moved in. With my anxieties sometimes I'm socially awkward and being married to "Mr. Congeniality" makes it hard. Anyway, as we sat and talked we had similar life experiences. The loss of a baby and fears of driving and on and on. It makes me feel bad that maybe I'm unapproachable. I really try and be a nice person but maybe I'm not as "warm and fuzzy" as I should be. When I was reading my little book yesterday, "Enjoy Life's Journey, Choosing Happiness Along the Way," it's so not me, she told a story about a little girl who came running up to her mother with a soft blue feather in her hand. She asked, "What bird dropped this feather?" Her mother said, "I don't know the exact bird, but I can tell you the kind of bird it was. It was a bluebird." Then she goes on to say that "everywhere we go in life, we leave a feather. People may not know exactly who we are, but they always know the kind of person we are. Feelings are often more important than facts and beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. If you would be beautiful within, be very careful of the critical and the unkind word." It made me think about all the feathers I have dropped along the way. What do they say about me? I want to drop beautiful, kind feathers so when I'm gone from this earth people will know what kind of person I was.

"Making It Through When Life Happens"

This past couple of weeks have been hard. I have felt all kinds of different emotions as I've had a sick husband, a trip to the mountains and spending some time in the hospital hoping he would make it through surgery and be out of pain. He came home on Monday and on Tuesday was back to work. He always is over committed with clients and usually with church. Thank heavens he was released from his church job and now can concentrate on getting his jobs finished and hopefully some things done around our house. As I have spent most of this week in the toilet I have wondered, what is bothering me? I have a few clues like Mother's Day, my 60th birthday getting closer and closer, my lack of energy to achieve all that I want to, and just worrying about the future. As I picked up my book to read this morning the chapter said, "Making It Through When Life Happens." I went on to read about stress and how it can affect our lives.  She says, "stress is an emotional response to a real or imagined fear. Events themselves aren't stressful. It's how we perceive them that affects us." Here we go again, is the glass half full or half empty? I wouldn't change my life for anyone else. I wouldn't even change my children or grandchildren for anyone different. I am thankful to be a mother, my kids have taught me so much about life and about myself. I know I can do hard things because I lived through teenagers and didn't give up then. I still hear my Mom say, "Teri, Heavenly Father wouldn't have given you so and so if he didn't think you could handle this, so cheer up." This week I have told myself several times, "I just don't care anymore." When I told that to my son Ethan he said, "don't lie, you really do care, you are just upset." Then when I was talking to Spencer he said, "Mom I wouldn't change any of our problems with those who I see who really have it bad." So I guess I need to keep letting my kids teach me what I need to learn and be thankful that I am a mother and I lived to be the ripe old age of sixty. Wow, that's going to be hard.

"I Just Feel So Good"

A couple of months ago Rich was standing in our bedroom getting ready for work when he said, "I just can't believe how good I feel. For my age  and how hard I work, I just feel so good." I told him then he needed to find a big piece of wood and knock really hard on it. My experience has been that  whenever you think you have your life figured out and things are going good, it seems like it's then you get kicked in the head. Rich struggled all week from Tuesday until Saturday night when  he went to the hospital. I had urged him to go all week but he always says, "it takes time and money and I don't have either." So when Rich went to the hospital, I went to bed thinking he would call me and let me know what the verdict was. I knew they would be running some tests and he waited until the middle of the night to finally realize things weren't right. When I finally didn't hear from him and called to see what was going on, he informed me that he had a 7 millimeter kidney stone blocking his kidney and he was in renal failure with his kidneys working only 50%. WHAT? Anyway, I called Ethan and he came and got me and we spent the day in the hospital with him. They did surgery in the morning and he finally got something to eat and some pain medications and was resting comfortably  when we left at around 4:30 p.m..  We went back later to give him some clean clothes and take his truck home because he won't be driving for at least 24 hours after surgery. I have been alone a lot in our marriage because of Rich's job and church assignments. Last night as I went to bed for the second night alone it dawned on me what really alone feels like. Having a sick husband isn't fun but I'm so thankful for good doctors and a hospital with kind caring nurses. Things will get back to normal soon and some day Rich will be telling "I feel so good" again.

An Adventure or Nightmare?

I woke up at 3:15 a.m. this morning. I was so tired from our little road trip but couldn't sleep. Yesterday I spent ten hours in a car taking my parents up to their summer home to turn on the water, the hot water heater and give my Aunt Nadine her birthday present. Rich has been fighting kidney stones all week but felt fine when we left. We ate breakfast in Payson and then headed up the mountain towards Springerville. Just outside of Show Low the pain started back in and Rich was barely able to make it to the cabin. He got out of the truck went straight to the water source then started pacing around the property. Here we are three hundred miles away from home with a sick husband, a chemo patient, a mentally ill almost sixty year-old and a nervous mother wondering how we are going to get home. After Rich paced for about an hour outside, he came in and tried to sleep on the bed. He couldn't get comfortable so he tried a hot bath. The water heater wasn't working that well so Mom and I started boiling water to keep him comfortable in the tub. By now it was around four in the afternoon and we still hadn't had any lunch. Mindi called to make sure we had made it up there okay and when I told her what was going on, she stepped in and started calling the family and our friend who is a doctor. We finally decided to just try and get as far as we could and then Ethan and Dave would come to the rescue. Rich started driving and made it to Show Low, he was really suffering and making us really scared. We got gas and I told Dad to get in and drive. He said he felt well enough so on we went heading home. The sun was terrible as it was shining in our eyes and as we got to the rim Rich told Dad to pull over. He walked away from the truck, got down on all fours and started to yak. I really did think he was going to die. A really nice police officer pulled up next to the truck and asked us if everything was okay. I said, "well, my husband is really sick passing a kidney stone and we are waiting for him."  He said, "okay, have a nice evening." Yeah, we were going to have a great evening. I don't know how we did it but Dad was so calm and did such a great job driving. He has probably driven that road hundreds of times and I was so proud of him. He was my hero on this trip. We pulled in to Payson and Dave and Ethan were there, I was so glad to see them. Dave got in our truck and drove Mom, Dad and me home while Ethan took Rich to the hospital. After waiting there for awhile seeing there were at least fifteen people ahead of him they just came home. As I told Rich how scary that was and I wouldn't be traveling with him any time soon. He said, "oh come on that was an adventure." If that is what Rich thinks is fun I'm for sure not going on another trip with him ever again.

Hives, Carpel Tunnel and Kidney Stones?

A couple of weeks ago I broke out in hives on my arms and fingers. While I was trying to find a solution for that problem my carpel tunnel started acting up and my right hand was numb, swollen and felt like it was going to blow up. Then yesterday Rich started having symptoms of trying to pass a kidney stone. What the heck? Are we being punished for something or just two old farts coming down with one ailment after another? I haven't ever passed a kidney stone but they say it is the second most painful thing next to childbirth. Since I had five pregnancies, Rich has a few more to pass before we are even. The first one he passed was almost twenty years ago. I remember I was at the mall with a friend when I got a call that he was in the hospital. By the time I arrived they had him hooked up to an IV with morphine in it and he was feeling pretty good. He got so bad last night and then again this morning I was ready to call an ambulance and have them take him for some more morphine. I finally got him to take some pain pills we have and made him start drinking some ginger ale to stop the nausea. We have promised to take my Dad up to the White Mountains to get the water and power turned on in their little cabin the first week in May. I have been praying so hard that Rich would get better because Dad has his heart set on going home and seeing his sister who's birthday is Monday. After lots of prayers and a Priesthood Blessing, I think he's on the mend. I'm crossing my fingers that the pain doesn't start up again because we have a ten hour car ride to get through tomorrow. It will be fun to get away up to the high country and the pine trees and  have some time with my parents. We never know when our lives will change in an instant and someone will leave this earth. Now the bad part is we have to be on the road at 6:15 a.m. and I'm not a morning person, but for my parents I guess I will have to be one tomorrow.

"Happy Dance"

Last Sunday Rich and I were asked to meet with the Stake Presidency at the Stake Center. After some small talk, they released Rich from his position on the High Council. After spending five years in the Bishopric and three plus years on the High Council, it was time for him to move on. As we left the building I asked him if I should start my "happy dance" now, or wait until yesterday when the release was finalized in Stake Conference. I thought it would be such a happy moment for me and expressed how I hoped this would help Rich reconnect with our family and we would be able to spend more time with the kids and grand kids. As the day progressed I didn't feel like doing my happy dance. I felt "out of sorts" even a little bit depressed and agitated. I felt like maybe we should be heading on a cruise or a trip up to the mountains to sit in a chair under the pine trees. Then reality set in and I realized that just because he has been released doesn't mean we are retired from church work. I reflected on all the nights I stayed home alone as he was at meetings, at church youth dances, walking the Trek, going to girl's camp, and even those dreaded Scout meetings. Our family has truly been blessed through the sacrifices of the Lord's work. It has kept our minds off our own trials and sorrows. My Dad seems to be feeling better and it looks like he will still be here when Lennie gets home from his mission in eight short weeks. We are taking him up to the White Mountains to turn on the water and power to their summer home. Hopefully we will have many more trips with Dad up North and I know the guys are all going up fishing when Lennie gets home. Rich has been given the gift of hard work. He never seems to not have enough to do and it looks like he's picked up a few more jobs to add to his long list of people needing him. Plus I've started a list of my own that he needs to do here around the house. Some day I hope to be doing that happy dance before it gets too late and I can't dance at all.

Lif Is A Changing

Last night as Rich and I were leaving a wedding reception for one of his young men, I made the comment about how I wouldn't want to be starting all over again newly married. Then the thought came to me that if I could go back with all my experiences and knowledge, I would do things so much different, and hopefully better. We only get one chance at this mortal life and then we get to live with and hopefully learn from those experiences. I have noticed lately how our lives are changing. Our children and grandchildren are getting older and in just one short year our oldest granddaughter will be driving. EEK! Sometimes when I think of how wicked this world is getting I am afraid of what these children, I love will have to endure long after Rich and I are gone. Every  morning when I go out to feed the animals Trulie carries the carrots for me. If she hears me say carrots she runs to the fridge and pulls two carrots out and knows it is time to take them out to the rabbits. I watch her as she copies everything we do and she is starting to say lots of words. I have to be careful because sometimes I may say a "bad word" that I probably wouldn't want her to repeat in Primary. I have been working on a quilt for the girl who cleans my house and helps me when I need her. She has had some challenges in life but she is such a good person. When Kamber passed away and when I had hip surgery she was there to clean and she didn't charge me, she just did it for service. She turned 50 on April the 10th and I just finished her quilt this morning, hopefully she will like it. With the temperatures getting hotter by the day, I noticed that a lot of our flowers are dying. One year Rich planted some giant sunflowers so when the flowers die we don't have all this ugly dirt. Anyway, when I went outside this morning the sunflowers are starting to bloom as the others are wilting and dying. Life is changing for us and I'm happy with what is going on over here, the kids are getting older and helping with the yard and pool. Rich has been blessed with lots of work so hopefully we can pull out of this rough economy. Now if I could just stop the clock so in 26 days I won't turn 60 that would be nice, but on the other hand my parents think I'm young, so how bad can it be?

"I Can Be Happy"

Last night when I went to bed I was so sad. I seemed to be fine all day when I was busy but as the day went on I became more tired and then my thoughts just went to a feeling of despair. What causes me to go from being alright to in the toilet? This morning I picked up a little book called, "You Can Be Happy No Matter What", by Richard Carlson. As I began reading the Foreword by Dr. Wayne Dyer, he says, "Our circumstances don't define us; they represent our unique curriculum - our tests, challenges, and opportunities for personal growth, acceptance, and detachment. Our success as a human being does not lie in our collections of possessions or accomplishments. It does not lie in the details of our predicament, but in how we deal with what we have and how we face our challenges, how we transform our unique curriculum into growth and into a life filled with love."  That made me realize that most of the time I let my circumstances in life define who I am. Since Kamber passed away I have felt like every day I had to fight to keep going and not give in to the sadness that her death had caused me. Then with my hip replacement and some other trials, it has been hard to pull myself up and continue on. I can remember as a child feeling like, when I get this new toy I will be happy. Then as a teenager, when I can drive and date, I will be happy. I remember my Dad telling me to stop wishing my life away, to be present and in the moment and choose to be happy now. I'm almost sixty and I'm still trying to find that magic potion, that pill or herbal supplement that will take the pain away and I can THEN be happy. I guess it has always been right here inside of me, the ability to choose to be happy instead of in that dark place. I have within me  the resources to live a happy, fulfilled life regardless of my challenges I face, at least that's what the book tells me I can do.

Almost Normal

Yesterday was a busy day with appointments and errands to run. I started out at the lab for some fasting blood work, then on to the doctor for a weigh-in and B-12 shot. We are still trying to battle this weight war and sometimes it seems like a lost cause. We all did well by losing a few pounds and that's always good news. Then this morning I just got a call from the doctors office wanting me to make an appointment to go over the blood work. I've always heard that if they call you right back the next day it isn't good news. I told the guy that I was just in there yesterday and if they could tell me over the phone it would be easier and better for me. All of a sudden I had such a feeling of doom. What is wrong with me, do I have cancer or something else terrible? I said a silent prayer and went on with my work folding clothes. Then I had a thought come in to my mind, "don't worry, everything will be alright." A few minutes later the phone rang again and it was the doctor. She said, "I just wanted to give you a call so you wouldn't worry all weekend about your blood work." Then she went on to tell me about all the different tests they ran and they were all normal, except for the thyroid part. I have been battling thyroid disease since I was nineteen years old when I had to have radiation to kill it so I wouldn't die. Anyway, at sixty they still can't figure it out and that is probably the cause of my extreme tiredness and inability to lose weight. Anyway, I am thankful for good doctors and for my strong body that is able to do many things. I know there are lots of people struggling everyday with health problems that are painful and debilitating. I'm thankful to be able to recognize the spirit and the comfort that gives me. Now if I could just have the will power to give up some of my favorite treats maybe the weight loss would be better, but that wouldn't be any fun.

Married 37 Years, How Can That Be?

Our family has been so saddened by what happened in Boston on Monday. Even though most of our family live here in Arizona, we still have Spencer, Annie and the kids in a suburb of Boston for a couple more weeks until they make their move West next month. Yesterday Rich and I celebrated our 37th wedding anniversary. It seems like when I go through these milestones it makes me reflective on my life. Some things I felt I did really well and then others I was a total failure at. The one thing I do know in my old age is that I feel that most people do the very best they know how to, at the time they are going through their trials. I am very proud of my children and grandchildren. The fact that their parents are teaching them right from wrong and how to be good people makes us so happy. We have an "angel granddaughter" who makes us try everyday to become better. None of us is perfect and I don't expect to ever be on this earth, but I feel we are moving forward as a family. As we were on our way out to dinner last night we were talking about all the terrible things that have happened either on our anniversary or near it. The Oklahoma City bombing, Waco, Columbine, Virginia Tech and now the Boston bombings were all tragedies that happened in the middle of April. We got married on Good Friday in 1976 the Bicentennial Year of our Country. We had red, white and blue as our colors for our wedding. I have always loved the colors of our country and Rich and I both went to High Schools that Red and Blue were the colors. Not to mention Spencer graduating from the U of A where their colors are also Red and Blue. I wish I could say that our marriage has been all rainbows, butterflies and peanut M&M's but that would be a lie. We have struggled to become one because of our head strong personalities and strong opinions but we have tried hard to keep our family together for the sake of all involved and the love we have for each other and the Savior. Rich has had to put up with a lot with all my physical problems and addiction to animals, and I have had a few of his faults to overlook. But one thing we do have is our family and each other, and hopefully we will have many more years to spend together before going to the other side to meet up with Kamber.

Purify My Heart

I knew it was going to be a good weekend when I was up most of Friday night with a stomach virus,  Rich cut our cable line to the house while trying to fix the sprinklers, and I broke out in a rash all over my arms and fingers. What the heck! Sometimes it seems like I just move from adversity to adversity, what am I suppose to learn? I was glad that I was well enough to go to church because we had some changes in the Relief Society presidency. That is a job that is so time consuming but so very important. The guys worked all day Saturday on the lawn and it looks wonderful. The flowers are all blooming and smell so good. As soon as it gets hot they will all start dying, so I need to enjoy them while we can. I sold one litter of puppies in five days and had a few more calls, I wish the four that I lost would have made it because they were darling little puppies. I miss them, but they were a lot of work and stress for this old lady. In my little adversity book there is a chapter about how "Adversity Builds Character." Orson F. Whitney says, "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility.  All that we suffer and all that we endure purifies our heart, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven." I guess I need to learn a lot more before I pass on because it sure seems like I have a lot of little bumps in the road.

Already Friday Again?

Last night when Rich got home from work he could barely get out of his truck he was so tired. He turned to Dave and said, "tell me tomorrow isn't already Friday." Yes dear, it is already Friday again. This morning I woke up and felt the urge to take my life back. For the last seven weeks I have been taking care of, or helping take care of three litters of puppies. The first batch are all sold except one little male and I hope he will find a forever home before the weekend is out. I am pleasantly surprised they sold so fast and hope those families will treat these little guys well.  I also moved the baby chickens out of my laundry room and outside where chickens are suppose to be. So, I'm taking my life and home back inch by inch and trying to simplify it. Dad went to the doctor yesterday and his cancer counts are better, so they are taking him off of the chemotherapy infusions and putting him on pills. I overhead him telling Mindi that he wished he would just have a fatal heart attack because dying from prostate cancer is really painful. OUCH! The older I get and the more experiences I have the more I see how my life is not really in my control. I'm trying really hard to control my thoughts and actions but sometimes things just happen where I see the Lord has inspired me. I read a little quote by Spencer W. Kimball, who I adore that says, "Are we not exposed to temptations to test our strength, sickness that we might learn patience, death that we might be immortalized and glorified?" How nice it will be to be in heaven with all those I love who have passed on and see Kamber again. To not suffer with physical problems and hopefully be worthy to see the Savior, to be immortalized and glorified, how wonderful will that be?

Three Birthdays and Conference

What a wonderful weekend we had listening to conference and enjoying a get together with our family. There is just something nice about sitting in your pajamas listening to music and talks, it was just so relaxing. I felt the spirit as I listened to words of wisdom and inspiration. Something that jumped out at me was when one of the speakers said, "other than our physical bodies the most precious thing we have is our agency. We have the freedom to choose for ourselves what we will do, but we don't have the choice when it comes to consequences." We had three birthdays this week, Brookie, Tyton and Ethan's today. Yesterday we went out to Ethan and Jenn's for dinner and to celebrate. Brookie wasn't feeling well but we always have fun when we get together. Jenn even got Ethan a Superman cake, some things just never change. Mindi decided that the puppies are ready to go to good homes so she put an ad for them yesterday. I got several calls and even though I was in tears to let them go, it is time for them to be loved by a family. Everyone who has come have been so nice. They are active families with little kids who will take these dogs hiking and boating and teach them how to swim. Because the people were anxious to get their dogs, Mindi and I ran them down to the vet this morning for their first shots and for a wellness check. They are the healthiest puppies and I hope they make good pets, I will miss them, a little bit. Now I'm going to use some of that agency they talked about and go take a nap, I deserve one.

"Have I Done Any Good?"

Last night Rich and I traveled to North Scottsdale for a "spay and neuter" fundraiser at the very nice restaurant called the Capital Grille. We were invited by a client of Rich's that he is doing some work for. They have one clinic already up and running but are wanting to open a new one at a location out here in the East Valley. As I sat and listened to all the good they do, I thought about my puppies at home and hoping we will be able to find some loving homes for them.  They brought around appetizers of crab cakes, lobster rolls and some kind of filet mignon on a cracker. We could also have any beverage we wanted, beer, wine, vodka, or what we asked for Sprite, because we don't drink alcohol. As we left Rich wanted to go eat somewhere. It is very rare that on a Friday night we aren't dead tired watching television. We were actually dressed up looking as spiffy as any two old people could look. As we were driving home I wanted to go by and see my parents, so we headed south when Rich realized he had promised a friend named Bill, he would come by and put a shelf up that had fallen from the wall and broken. We were right by his place so we went by and visited with him and Rich fixed a couple of things for him. His wife died a year ago on my birthday and he seems so lonely. He spends all his time watching television and working on needlepoint projects. He smokes, so by the time we left my nose was about to EXPLODE. We then stopped at Mom and Dad's and enjoyed visiting with them. Dad had one good day and then was back to the old too nauseous to eat yesterday. As we got in the truck heading home it was 9:00 o'clock, too late to eat dinner and we were tired. I told Rich the evening felt to me like the hymn we sing, "Have I Done Any Good?" The first verse says, "Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad? If not, I have failed indeed. Has anyone's burden been lighter today Because I was willing to share? Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way? When they needed my help was I there?" We had a good feeling going home that maybe in some small way we had cheered up the sad, and made someone's burden lighter. It was fun to meet some of the people Rich works for, I even got invited over to someone's house to have a glass of wine. The only problem is, I don't drink alcohol.  Maybe she has a Sprite!

End The Suffering

I have felt overwhelmed and out of control all week. I have always had a tender heart toward animals but I think I've reached my maximum ability to cope with three litters of puppies, besides all the other responsibilities I have here around the farm. My obsession with the care of my animals has caused me lots of stress and even some marital problems, as Rich sometimes feels like he is second to my critters. Yesterday when I went out to feed the animals I found one of my rabbits sick. He was having a hard time walking and wouldn't eat. I brought him in the house and tried to doctor him until I could tell it was a lost cause. There wasn't anything that was going to help him. I called the guy I got him from to see if there was something I could do so he didn't suffer. He said, "are you asking me if there is some way to poison him?" "Well, not really, but I don't want him to suffer for a few more days." So he then said, "just pull his ears back and hit him on the back of his head and he will die instantly, or shoot him in the head with a gun." Are you kidding me right now? Anyone who knows me would know that wouldn't be something I could ever do. So during the night I was awake for about three hours worrying about the difference between letting an animal suffer and doing the humane thing and sending him to heaven. I'm just lucky to have married that country boy from Utah who has the ability to relieve the suffering and send them on their way home. Why does life have to be so hard? I know lots of my sadness is self-inflicted and I just hope I have enough in me to find homes for all these puppies so I can get a good nights sleep. Rich and I have been invited to go to a fund raiser tonight for a "spay and neuter clinic" in Scottsdale that he is doing some work for. All I can say is we won't let the cat out of the bag and tell them that we have three litters of puppies at home. But on the other hand, we can use a spay and neuter clinic right now. Rich made the comment last week about how interesting it will be when I get to heaven and see all those animals I have taken care of and hopefully they will thank me for being so kind to them. That is if I make it to Heaven.

Three Receptions, Two Parties and Church

We had a crazy busy weekend but a super fun one too. Rich and I went to three wedding receptions, church and two family parties. As we were traveling from reception to reception I thought to myself, "who is stupid enough to get married around Easter?" Then I realized that with Rich and I getting married on Good Friday that put us in the stupid category. The receptions were so nicely decorated and the food delicious. Rich likes it when we go to receptions because he thinks it counts as a date. On Saturday night we didn't get to stay long at those two receptions because Candi and B.J. were having a family Easter bash at their house. The Wootans were in town, so both families were there to celebrate. They had a cookout and then an Easter Egg Hunt in the dark. They filled up eggs with the glow in the dark bracelets and put them all over the park by their house. Each kid had six eggs with their names on them with money inside. Then the kids took turns hitting a pinata and that is always fun, you can never have enough candy. Sunday was church and it is always nice to enjoy the spirit as the talks and music reminded me of what Easter is all about. We would not be able to return home to our Heavenly Father without the sacrifice the Savior made for each of us. We had dinner for the family yesterday at our house. Mom and Dad came and Mindi and Ethan's families. Candi was busy with the Wootans and I understand they need to spend time with them before they go back to California. My sister Mell, and brother Ben joined us later for dessert. When Dad got to the house he looked white as a ghost and was so sick. I put him in the recliner and covered him with a quilt. I had Mindi bring down some anti-nausea pills they gave her when she was pregnant with Trulie and the doctor had prescribed for him. He started feeling a little bit better and sat at the table and pretended to eat a few bites. He says food just "tastes terrible."As I look at my Dad suffer the affects of chemotherapy it makes me wonder what trials I will have as I reach old age. Each day I struggle with my trials like everyone else and hope that the future will not be too hard for me to deal with. I want to be worthy to see my loved ones on the other side and have them be proud of my efforts here on earth.

Good Friday 2013

Rich and I were married on Good Friday almost thirty-seven years ago. Although today isn't really our anniversary it still reminds me of that cold, wet, stormy day in April so many years ago that we were married. I haven't been sleeping very well because I have a mother dog who is a pain in the butt. She doesn't want to nurse her puppies anymore, but she thinks she's a house dog and whines at the door all night wanting to get in. Rich has been getting up and putting the fear of God in her, but that is just temporary. Yesterday Mindi and I decided we would move the eight puppies to the pen behind her house. The flies have been horrible since our neighbors moved in with four horses across the street last summer. As I was carrying two puppies I tripped on a rock and stumbled towards the fence. All I saw was Mindi's eyes get really big as she was yelling "MOM", she was holding a pair of scissors in her hand and before I toppled over my arm hit the fence. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, it must have been a comical but scary sight. After going to a wedding reception last night we had to walk a block to get back to the car. Between my almost deadly fall and my walk, I was so sore I was in tears when I went to bed. I wish I had the time to just relax and eat bon bons all day but life is so crazy right now with all that needs to be done around here. My Dad has been doing better but this week has felt lousy. He had his last chemo treatment yesterday but is meeting with a urologist today about a problem with his kidney. They think the cancer may have spread now to one of his kidneys and they may have to operate and take it out. I would have given up a long time ago. That is one thing about that generation of people who lived through the depression and were so poor, they are so tough. In my little book "The Power of Adversity" there is a quote from Spencer W. Kimball, who I love. He says, "Is there not wisdom in his giving us trials that we might rise above them, responsibilities that we might achieve, work to harden our muscles, sorrows to try our souls? Are we not exposed to temptations to test our strength, sickness that we might learn patience, death that we might be immortalized and glorified? In face of apparent tragedy we must put our trust in God, knowing that despite our limited view his purposes will not fail. With all its troubles life offers us the tremendous privilege to grow in knowledge and wisdom, faith and works, preparing to return and share God's glory."

The Way It Is Suppose To Be?

Lately I've been in a funk. I've asked myself a thousand times if this is what life is suppose to be like. Then I have other questions I ask myself in my mind. Am I doing what I was destined to do? Am I living where I am suppose to be? Am I doing all I can do to follow the Savior's example. I wonder if my problem is age related or just lack of sleep and hormones.Sunday morning I was standing at the sink with Rich behind me looking out the front of our house. I said something about how much work it takes to live in a nice house with a huge yard full of flowers. Besides spending hours and hours at work and church, he also does most of the work in the yard. All he said was that he likes making our home beautiful. That is what he does for a job, helping others make their homes beautiful. I am so thankful he loves what he does. I wish I could have gone on to have a career after my kids were out of the house, but that wasn't my pathway so, no regrets. On Sunday afternoon we went to the cemetery to decorate Kamber's grave for Easter. As we pulled in I was so happy to see all the pretty spring flowers on the graves. Rich commented that almost every grave had some nice flowers on them. As we walked along I made sure the family knew what was not acceptable to put on my grave, live flowers that shrivel up and die, then look ugly, not acceptable. As we left I felt at peace. The cemetery is a nice place to be on a warm sunny Sabbath afternoon. I know Kamber appreciates us thinking about her and she know how much we love and miss her. I know she loves her little brothers and sisters and parents and knows she will see them again. With all those questions I have floating around in my goofy brain I do know that our Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to be happy, but life is still hard and maybe that is the way it's suppose to be.

"Your Daughter's Your Daughter"

I was talking to one of my really good friends the other day about our children and grandchildren. She has four boys one of which was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years ago. As we were talking, I told her I was so thankful to have daughters. She needs a daughter. This week Candi came over and did a Larsen Family hair cutting, coloring and styling extravaganza. She uses her talents and kindness when she comes over and it helps us all save time and money.  I asked Rich last week if he could cut my toenails on my foot where I had my hip operation. The look on his face made me think that wasn't in the job description of husband duties. After he was done he said, "how much does it cost to get a pedicure?" That's all it took for me to decide I needed some professional help. So on Thursday we took Trulie to the babysitter and Mindi and I went and got a manicure and pedicure. It was so fun to just relax and let someone TRY and improve our looks. I heard a little saying once that said, "your daughter's your daughter all of your life, your son's your son till he takes a wife.'" I have been really lucky because I love both of my daughter-in-laws as much as my daughters. There have been times I have liked them more than my sons, but that's a different post. The older I get the more I understand the wisdom of our Heavenly Father who puts us in families so we can experience all that is needed to become like him. It is through these relationships where we grow and learn about the atonement and agency. My kids are not perfect but they are mine and I wouldn't trade them for anyone on this earth.