"I Love You Anyway."

I'm amazed at how fast the weeks are passing by. This has been a busy and emotional week for me. We had a fun river trip to celebrate Tristyn's birthday and then the kids went back to school, which is always stressful but welcomed. Yesterday I had an appointment with my hip surgeon to discuss my inability to walk normally. After looking at the x-rays he talked about the decision to put in a metal on metal hip three years ago. I guess they thought it would be best because it is stronger and lasts forever. The problem is that some patients don't do well with the metal. They still have pain and complications, Me! I mentioned to him that I just had knee surgery in May, so he had the tech shoot an x-ray of my knee. I knew it was a gamble when my knee collapsed on me, but I was hopeful. I guess the x-ray shows bone on bone and my knee isn't even aligned right together. He thinks it might be best to do a knee replacement first and then work on the hip later. As we left I was a mess. We got in the car and I started crying. I told my sister I needed help, I need an angel to come tell me what to do. If not an angel then maybe my Grandma Fern or Aunt Tenna would do. I would even take some help from Kamber, that's if she is aware of my troubles. After I had a good cry my sister said, "what did you expect the doctor to tell you?" I told her how I felt, that even though I knew what he was going to say, until I actually heard the words out of his mouth, I was still hopeful something could be done without surgery again. I'm not afraid to do surgery and I know I can survive the pain, but it's not knowing what the outcome will be that makes me so sad. If I knew my life would be better and I could be mobile again, I would endure anything no matter how hard. I just don't know if I have enough faith to step into the dark again. All this stress has caused me to tank out in the toilet. Sometimes I get scared at some of my thoughts. I get down on myself and beat myself up over lots of things. I ran across a saying somewhere this week as I was reading. It said, "At the end of the day, tell yourself gently; I love you, you did the best you could today and even if you didn't accomplish all you had planned, I love you anyway." So before I go take a little nap I'm going to tell myself that "I love you anyway."

River Trip 2014

On Tuesday we decided to go floating down the Salt River for Tristyn's sixteenth birthday. The summer is almost over and school was starting, so that was really the last day to make the trip. After taking her to lunch and finding a life jacket for Miss Trulie, we were on our way. We piled in the cars with drinks and tubes and off we went. After airing up the tubes and walking down to the river, it was around four o'clock, perfect timing. We pretty much had the whole river to ourselves. Candi, B.J. and their boys were tied together, Mindi, Tristyn and I were together and Dave and the boys were all tied up too. B.J. had called up to see what the floating conditions were and they warned us it was running pretty slow. We spent a lot of the time skimming our butts along the rocks but the water was cool and the sun was shining and we were all together. I remember as a teenager floating with friends and church activities. One of the worst sunburns I ever had was floating down the river, I'm older and smarter now. I took my old crappy camera to take some pictures in case it got wet or fell in the river so my pictures aren't that great. Trace and Troy had a blast looking under the water for fish and they was determined to find something of value. Poor Trent was upset the whole time, in tears and had anxiety so bad. We kept asking him why he was so upset. He finally shared that he was afraid his little brother was going to drown because he kept getting off his tube and looking under the water, poor Trent. On the way up we were talking about when a boy in our ward drowned at the river. They had gone up for Family Home Evening and his shoelace got caught on some rebar at the bridge. His brothers tried desperately to save him but the river was running so fast they couldn't save him. It was a sad time for everyone in our ward. He was my son Ethan's age and it impacted all of us so much that when Kamber drowned, it brought up lots of bad memories for us. But, life goes on and we try and do everything we can to be safe and then pray nothing tragic will happen. I'm so thankful for my family. They were so kind to me getting me in and out of a tube was hard. Walking up the path to the car was hard with my bad hip and knees but Dave and B.J. were so kind to get me up and out. Today I have an appointment with my hip surgeon to see about why I'm still having such a hard time walking. I really need some inspiration or revelation on this one. Do I take a chance at another surgery in hope is will get better? Or do I just carry on the way it is using a cane and at some point being in a wheelchair? Life has a cruel way of teaching us to be humble and prayerful.

Three Birthdays and School Starting

The last couple of weeks have gone by so fast. We have been busy trying to get the kids ready to go back to school, plus plan for Tristyn's blowout 16th birthday party last Saturday night. I still can't believe my oldest grandchild is going to be sixteen tomorrow, how did that happen? I was thinking about the day she was born just yesterday. What a fun thing to be a grandma, but a lot of responsibility too. We had all the kids and grandkids that were in town come before the party for dinner before all her friends came to dance. We celebrated Major, Tristyn and Jenn's birthdays at the Shenandoah Mill reception center and it ended up being a lot of fun. When the kids started coming to dance, Rich and I brought all the younger ones home and that was fine with me. You know you're getting old when the loud music gives you a headache and you feel like jumping out the window. I ended up watching the kids until the adults got home around midnight. I thought I was doing a good job until Trulie came in and she had mascara all over her eyes and hands. I'm too old and tired to take care of a three year old after eleven at night. As I was washing her off, she kept telling me I was hurting her. She's just lucky I didn't spank her because if she was my child, she probably would have gotten a swat on the butt, that's another good thing about being a grandma, no spanking. This week is going to be busy, we are floating down the river tomorrow and school starts on Wednesday. We will be doing the "happy dance" around here when the school bus pulls out, but then we still have this three year old to deal with, until she starts pre-school. I don't know which is more scary a naughty three year old, or a sixteen year old starting to date and drive. Yea, I do know what's more scary, so I will try and not think about it, or then I will jump out a window.

"The Problem of the Day"

This morning I woke up really early at around 4:30. I was dripping in sweat and don't know if I was having a hot flash or  just got wound up in the covers on the bed. I never could get back to sleep so I got up and started my day. I read some more in my book about being a "Survivor," but most of it was about how to survive a plane crash. Since I'm afraid to fly, I'm pretty sure that's not the way I'm going to leave this earth. I did think it was interesting that the least likely people to survive a plane crash are older, out of shape women which puts me at the top of the list to not get out of the plane alive. I read a couple of chapters in my scriptures and then started my chores. When I fed the dogs I noticed the pool pump wasn't on, so I had Dave see if he could see what was wrong. He thinks the motor in the pump is gone, so we'll see how many days until we have a green pool again. I have a leak in my ceiling in my hall where the air conditioner is leaking on the wood floor. Nobody seems to care about that either, so I guess I'll just do what I can with towels and buckets. Not to mention the air conditioning in my kitchen never gets below 81 degrees. This is the part of summer that is the hardest for me. I've already lived through two months of 100 degrees and still have another two to go. It may start cooling down around Halloween but that's never for sure. Every summer I dream of going away for the summer to the mountains where it's cool, someday that will happen. These next two weeks are going to be so busy. We have four birthdays and Mindi is crazy busy getting everything ready for Tristyn's "sweet sixteen" blowout dance party on Saturday night. What we do for our kids should give us a straight shot into heaven. Even with everything that is not going so well right now I know I'm still so blessed to even have a house and cool air blowing in. My life has never been perfect and I'm pretty sure it never will be as I struggle everyday with something. When I was talking to Spencer last week he assured me that everyone has the same thing going on. He said, "today it is this problem, and tomorrow will be something else, it's just the problem of the day, everyday." Is it too much to ask for just ONE day that I don't have a problem?

Six Years of Surviving

This morning I woke up and am having a normal day. The usual things to do and then off to the grocery store before the heat is so bad I pray to die. Anyway, when I got home I remembered what a hard day this is. Six years ago today I started my own personal journey to hell and back. I've worked really hard through counseling, prayer and study, to help myself go on to live a productive life. I've worked through the five stages of grief, 1) Denial or Isolation, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, and finally 5) Acceptance. After six years it is so important to accept the drowning death of sweet Kamber as something that happened. That's the reality of it. I remember the still small voice say, "why not you?" as I asked why I would have to go through something so hard. I've learned a lot about myself and my family. I found out that we can be survivors. As I've been reading my new favorite book, he talks about the 3 Rules of the Survivors Club, 1) Everyone is a Survivor, 2) It's not all Relative, and 3) You're stronger that your Know.  He says, "We all at times, face hopelessness and despair. We all experience grief, abandonment, and crushing loss. And all of us sooner or later will face the inevitable nearness of death." Six years ago as we experienced the sudden death of a grandchild I remember thinking, "how can I ever go on?" Well, I've made it six long years and even though there are times the sadness is still there, I am more thankful now that my faith is strong and I KNOW I will see her again. I know she is happy and I hope she will help her mother as Jenn brings these twins into the world. I miss her, love her, and hope she is aware of that. Our family are survivors and I'm so proud of that!

Max's Birthday, Mary"s Wedding

This week is proving to be another busy one for us. It started when we celebrated Max's birthday on Saturday with swimming, pizza and a Ninja Turtle Cake that Mindi made for him. Today is his birthday and he is now four years old, the only boy in the family with five sisters. He is a sweet boy but has his moments when he is kind of aggressive towards Brookie and Reagan, so it's probably a good thing Jenn is having two brothers for him to play with. We had to celebrate early because their kids started school today. Is it school time already? Yesterday as we went to the Temple for Mary's sealing it was 112 degrees. I got out of the truck and before I could get to the Temple doors I thought I was having a heat stroke. Today is no better with the forecasted high at 114. This is a good day to stay in and do some sewing. I finally finished a quilt for Mary and Jeff, so now I'm determined to make one for me. Mindi has also informed me that she would like a quilt for her bed too. I didn't take any pictures at the Temple because we literally walked out, smiled a few times and got the heck out of there. The reception was fun with dancing, cupcakes and ice cream sundaes. Last year she was alone with three children and now is married with six kids combined. I am so happy for her and hope their lives will be full of love and companionship. As I was talking to my Brother Len last night about all that has happened in the last year, he said, "that's the way life is, things are always changing." That gives me hope that maybe the weather will be changing and we can get some cool breezes and monsoon thunderstorms coming our way, otherwise I'm afraid I'm going to melt.

"The Survivors Club"

On Sunday when Spencer called he told me about a book he's reading called "The Survivors Club," by Ben Sherwood. I've been busy, but this morning I woke up early and decided to read a little bit on my I Pad before starting my chores. I'm only in the first chapter but it's really got me thinking about what a "Survivor" is. He says, "Eventually everyone joins the fellowship of men and women who have been knocked around by life." He then defines what a survivor is as "anyone who faces or overcomes adversity, hardships, illness, or physical or emotional trauma." That describes me to a tee, and then I started thinking of others in my life who are survivors. My Dad who has been battling prostate cancer for almost 12 years. When he was diagnosed, they gave him 18 months to live without treatment, but he had courage to do what it took to prolong his life. Another good example is my son Ethan and his wife Jenn, who have survived one of the hardest trials ever in burying one of their children. My niece Mary whose husband Lance, passed away a year ago and left her with three young children to raise. I think of my own trials in suffering from anxiety, depression, a miscarriage, multiple surgeries and the loss of our precious Kamber. The author says, "Survivors keep going despite opposition and setbacks. They may want to quit but they still persevere." Life doesn't stay the same, thank goodness and a few weeks ago we found out Ethan and Jenn are expecting twin boys. The decision to have more children came with lots of prayer and soul searching. My niece Mary is getting married today and we will get to be with her in the Temple as she is sealed to her new husband Jeff. A year ago her life was so sad, and now she is moving forward with her life and we are so happy for her. The other day I was telling a friend of mine that sometimes it seems like it would just be better if I could pass through the veil to the other side. My life seems so hard at times and I wonder if I even deserve to be happy. I guess I fall into that category of wanting to quit and give up. But I also want to be a Survivor. I want my kids and grand kids to know I could do hard things and get past them. I want to belong to the "Survivors Club."

Another Scorpion Attack

This week has been one of those weeks that have made me wonder what the heck I'm doing in my life. Whenever I think things are going good, or may be improving, I'm knocked down again. Last week I was thinking how lucky I have been this summer to not have any scorpion stings. After being stung a hundred times, I absolutely hate scorpions. Last night I went in my bathroom to put my swim suit on to exercise my knee in the pool. The first suit was still wet from the night before, so I grabbed one on the counter that had a towel on it. I slipped it on and before I could say a cuss word it got me three times on the upper leg. I grabbed a wet washcloth and beat the crap out of it and threw it in the sink. I went outside and tried to enjoy the 90 degree water but my leg was throbbing. I came in and got some pain reliever and when I went to get a can of soda it fell on the floor and sprayed all over my kitchen floor, cabinets, and even sprayed the pictures of my family on my fridge. Now I am ticked off as I had to spend time mopping up sticky soda as my leg throbbed. When I went to take some medicine my throat was numb and I couldn't feel the back of my throat. Then my lips started getting tingly and numb too. I think I'm going to have to start joining Mindi in her nightly scorpion hunt because I'm so tired of this. I'm getting tired of quite of few things in my life right now and need to make some changes. I'm running out of time to be able to live the life I want, hopefully it will be somewhere there aren't any scorpions.

$10 Gift

This summer seems to be more brutal than ever. I guess having surgery at the beginning started it off badly. We are now in the monsoon season when everyday we could possibly have a thunderstorm. We haven't had rain for so many months it was nice to get a little shower Sunday night. The problem is that after it rains, it's so humid you can hardly breath. Yesterday after running an errand Mindi and I were exiting the freeway heading home. Standing there at the corner was a man holding a sign. He looked dirty, had a hole in his pants and was carrying a ripped up McDonalds backpack. I took $10 out of my purse and had Mindi hand it to him out the window. He thanked us and said "God bless you." Most of the time it doesn't work out for me to hand money out, but this time I felt prompted to. I know there are people who think you shouldn't pass out money to panhandlers. After I gave him the money I didn't really care if he bought drugs, alcohol or maybe went to McDonalds for lunch. I started thinking what would get me to the point that I was desperate enough to stand out in the heat, by the freeway and beg for money? I was telling my Dad later on in the day what I did. I told him that I am so thankful that I have never felt my life was so hopeless that I didn't have a place to live. Then we joked about how we might all be going to Scottsdale to live with them if the country keeps going on the way it is. I am so thankful to have good parents who are still healthy enough to take care of themselves at 85 years old. I know it won't last forever but for now I'm grateful for them, but Dad did tell me he wouldn't have given the guy $10.

I Survived Bunco, Yea!

For the last month I've been stressing about having the Bunco ladies come to my house for dinner and games. I had never played Bunco before, which is just a silly dice game that a bunch of old ladies get together and play. There is absolutely no skill to it, just rolling dice and keeping score. I used to be able to plan parties, baby and bridal showers and it was a lot of work, but I kind of enjoyed it. It forced me to stretch a little and be creative and get my house ship, shape. This morning when I woke up I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. The stress of the last month had taken a toll and my head was pounding and I was in a bad mood. Since Kamber passed away and I've had hip replacement and now a bad knee, it just seems like anything extra is too hard for me. I wish I was the type of person that could invite people over and just not care that everything looks perfect. Just a little dusting and vacuuming would do. I just can't do that and besides having to do dinner and treats, desert and buy a little gift for twelve people, put me over the edge. It was a lot of fun and I absolutely love the ladies that came. Jenn came over this morning and we took all the kids out to swim. As we were enjoying the 90 plus degree water, I was thinking how nice it would be to be able to just get away. Pack up all the grand kids and get out of the heat. I envisioned myself sitting under a pine tree enjoying the cool weather. Or maybe another trip to the beach and have the smell of salt water permeate around me. I know that can't happen we have way too much going on around here and too many animals to find homes for, but it was worth a try and just daydreaming about it picked up my mood a little bit.

Baby #1 and Baby #2

Yesterday was a whopper of a day. I had Mindi and Rich's secretary, Amber helping me do some intervention in my kitchen. I have a hard time throwing things away and they were both busy helping me. The phone rang and it was Ethan asking if I wanted a sandwich for lunch. He's always thoughtful like that if he's in the area. Pretty soon Jenn showed up. I had forgotten that she had her first appointment with the OB doctor. As she walked in she was carrying a pink gift bag with blue tissue paper. At this point I'm still really confused. She handed me the bag and told me this would let me know what the gender of the baby was. When I pulled the contents out there were two baby boy sleepers, one saying Baby #1 and Baby #2. By now I'm in shock and thinking they are pulling a prank on me. After some happy tears we went in to panic mode. We don't have any multiple births on our side of the family so this must from Jenn's side or maybe just a gift from God. Jenn has always thought she would have twin boys but even with this pregnancy I told her she didn't look big enough for twins. Wow, I'm wrong again, she is 17 weeks pregnant and measuring 23 already. I keep telling myself that if Heavenly Father didn't think they could handle this he wouldn't have sent these precious babies to them. This will make eight children for them, one in Heaven. Kamber must be busy up there getting them ready to come and hopefully sending help for her other siblings because this is going to really change their family. Life always has a way of throwing me a curve ball and this one is a doozy.

Boring 4th of July

Another busy week has come and gone. The week included a birthday party and the 4th of July, neither which was very exciting. Rich looks at holidays as just an extra day for him to get some projects done and catch up on things that he hasn't had time to do yet. By 9 o'clock last night I was falling asleep watching the fireworks on the television, so lame. I didn't even go outside to look and see if there were any fireworks close. Party Pooper I am.  Candi is in California with her in-laws and Spencer's still in Boston. Mindi had her blowout birthday party for Trulie, so she was tired. Ethan invited us out but he's moved half way to Globe, and we were too tired to go that far.  I've often wondered why my life seems to be so predictable and boring, while other families seem to really go all out for these holidays. When I was a kid we would go to Eagar for the 4th. I remember how fun it was watching the parade, rodeo and even going to the western dances. Rich grew up in Richfield, Utah and I've spent a few 4th of Julys up there and they really put on a fun parade and carnival at the park. Plus it's way cooler in those two places. I know most of my lifestyle is self inflicted. Having lots of animals and being self employed, definitely puts a damper on how much we can vacation. Yesterday as Mindi and I were running some errands, we were talking about how it seems like all our holidays seem to be workdays. Her boys spent yesterday and today mowing the lawns and cleaning the pool. Maybe it is getting time to find that two bedroom condo that doesn't allow pets. Now that would solve a lot of my problems, but where would we be put all the other stuff we have? I wouldn't change who I am or the experiences I've had. I have even learned to accept the trials I've gone through. Later this month it will be six years since Kamber went home to heaven. Six years is a long time to grieve. We miss her so much especially when all the kids get together and there is this feeling that someone is missing. Looking on the bright side Rich finally got someone over to fix the air conditioning. Believe me, 77 degrees feels way better than 84 in my kitchen.

Gismo is Gone, Trulie is Three!

I woke up this morning early and decided to just get up and get going. I have been a little lax in my scripture reading, so I decided that maybe today would be a good day to start. When I opened them I was in Alma. One of the scriptures I read was Alma 48:11 where it says, "And Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding, yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery." I thought that was really weird with tomorrow being the 4th of July. Liberty and freedom are really important to us. When I started working around my house I realized that Rich had let the little dog Gizmo out in front while he was loading up for work and she was gone. This little dog is 13 years old, deaf and partially blind. When I called Rich to tell him she was missing he told me to send the kids out to look for her. They rode their bikes up and down the street and around the two neighborhoods to the east of our house. They never did find her and I was getting worried. It's going to be 111 degrees today and I have a missing dog that Rich offered to dog sit for a month and she was no where in sight. I decided there wasn't anything more I could do so I just started working around the house, and praying she would be found.  I had this strange thought come into my mind. "Don't worry, everything is going to be alright, someone has found her." By now I'm thinking that maybe I'm losing it, but within a few minutes Mindi called to say someone found her, called the owner, who called Rich and she had just picked her up. My prayers had been answered, whew! Today is Miss Trulie's 3rd birthday. Mindi has been working all week on a little party for her, a "Frozen" party. When I went down to check out how all the preparations were going, I found Trulie eating ice cream for breakfast. We make fun of her that she looks like Anna in the movie because her hair is crazy in the mornings. I'm headed to physical therapy and then the party is this afternoon. Sounds like I'm going to need a nap too.

I Saw My Future at Therapy

Yesterday as I left church my Home Teacher, who is also a physical therapist was not impressed with my gait. He wanted to see me in his office today to see if he could help me. It seems like recovering from this surgery has been harder than when I was thirty, imagine that. They did a few treatments and then he had me walk. I felt so stupid in the gym with all these elderly people watching me walk. I have to admit that after I watched him and was instructed I had a few good passes. I felt different and good, way better than the stiff legged pirate walk I've been doing. He helped me when I had my hip replacement three years ago and he's helping me now. As I looked around I was a spring chicken compared to most of the old timers. I told my friend, "I'm looking at my future and it doesn't look very bright." As we walked out there was a little old couple, husband and wife. He was holding her hand being careful that she didn't fall. You could tell how much he cared for her the way he treated her, my friend commented on how sweet it was. When I got home and walked in my house I realized that now I have two air conditioners not working. My kitchen area was 83 and my family room and bedroom was 86 degrees. This always happens to me when the weather is going to be the hottest, that's when everything breaks. Oh well, life is not fair, I've known that for a very long time. Link Rich told me yesterday, "go outside and work in the 110 degree weather and 86 will feel cool." I guess I will just move back into the spare bedroom with all the extra junk we've been accumulating, at least it's cool down there.

Keeping Watch on the Grandkids

Another week is in the books and sometimes I wonder why I'm not as productive as I want to be. I have spent some time everyday in the pool trying to get my stiff knee stronger and less swollen. I have to admit it feels better. I'm not using crutches, just a cane when I'm going long distances. I have even been walking on my own around my house a little bit, so hopefully every week I will get a little stronger. This morning Jenn brought her kids over to stay while she took Max and Brookie over for swim lessons. When they got back we all went out to practice what they had learned. Last week Brookie was so afraid of the Creepy Crawler she could hardly keep her eye off of it. Max would go out into the water but hold on for dear life. I couldn't believe after just one lesson they were doing so well. As I looked around the pool today with all these grand kids I felt really blessed. Unless you have been through the drowning death of a grandchild you really don't know how it feels. I watch Jenn with her eagle eye counting heads and panicking if she can't see one of her little ones. When I was in California sitting on the beach watching the kids ride the waves in I felt to helpless. The current would carry them farther and farther away from where we had set up our stuff. I remember telling Candi that I was nervous they were getting to far down and if something happened there wouldn't be anything we could do to help them. I remember Bert saying, "you may not be able to help them but you can be another set of eyes watching them." Every time I hear on the news about the drowning death of a child my heart hurts. I've been down that road to Hell and it's not fun, but I have a testimony that Kamber lives. I have felt the spirit stronger than I ever had, I also felt the comforter and the many prayers that were said in our behalf. Life has a way of teaching us things we couldn't learn without going through them. It really sucks at times but then we have learned some very important things and hopefully our testimonies have been strengthened. Next week I swear I'm going to get to make a quilt, or finish one that is in my "to be finished" pile.

Three Hours of Sewing Hair Accessories

Yesterday morning when my friend came over to exercise in the pool we had a nice visit. As she left she reminded me that she would be picking me up at 5:30 to go to the church for our Humanitarian Enrichment Activity. I told her I didn't think I was going because it didn't sound fun to me, I haven't really been in the mood to do anything lately. She then said, "Are you kidding me? You are on the committee and we haven't done anything to help with this activity. I'll be by and we'll go to the church and help them." So last night I took my sewing machine and off we went to the church to make headbands to donate to the children's hospital for kids to wear while going through treatment for cancer. I parked my body in a chair and sewed for three hours. As I looked around and saw all those women donating their time and talents, I was glad I went. We have a little girl in our ward who is battling leukemia so these headbands, turbans and flowers are being donated to the hospital in her name. She was there last night making sure we had something to drink as we worked and talked. There is something about being around the "noble and great ones" that make you a better person. When I finally got home and in bed I was so tired and had a headache but was happy I had gone and hopefully made a difference. When my Mom called to get my well check report, I told her about my experience sewing for three hours. She said, "You are a darling, (her favorite name for me) and remember when you do service for the Lord the Savior looks down and is so happy." It's hard sometimes for me to make the right choices and do what will make the Savior happy, but last night I did and hopefully those kids fighting cancer will know how much we care about them and enjoy the hair accessories.

82 Degree and a Flat Tire

Last night when I went to bed I was in a bad mood. I had spent three hours fixing dinner thinking I was having guests but they never showed up. There is something wrong with a couple of our air conditioners, so as I was cooking dinner the temperature was 82 degrees in my kitchen. I got no sympathy from Rich because he swears there are people who keep their thermostats at 82. Well if there is, heaven help them. This morning Mindi and I needed to go to the grocery store for a few things. As she pulled in to pick me up I noticed her tire was flat. After trying to put some air in it, we decided to take a chance and go to the tire store where she bought the tires a year ago. When they took the tire off they could tell there was a puncture in the side and the tread was worn pretty bad. So after sitting there for an hour and a half, and spending $135, we were on to the grocery store. Sometimes in life it just seems like I can't catch a break. I decided that I wasn't going to use crutches anymore so now I'm using a cane to get around. Either way it's hard to walk normally. My good friend came over early this morning to swim in the pool. She had the same surgery I had last year and is still in a lot of pain too. She told me today that she isn't going to let her knee injury keep her from doing things that she wants to do. I admire that about her, but I'm not willing to put myself out there like that. Although hobbling around Huntington Beach for a week was pretty much out of my comfort zone. Now for the rest of the summer I'm stuck here in the desert hating everyday it gets above 100 degrees, which is everyday until October or November. I guess I will just have to live on my memories of the 70 degrees, sitting on the beach enjoying the waves crash in because that's all I have right now.

Father's Day Fun

We had a nice Father's Day with the extended family. Len and Julie were back in New York with Robbie celebrating his graduation from medical school and blessing of their new addition. So we just had Mom and Dad over for dinner. Then my sister Mell and her kids, my brother Ben his wife Allison and a couple of his kids, plus all the grand kids and nieces and nephews came over for dessert. What a great group of people we have. I know they have "joy in their posterity."  When everyone finally left I was so tired. Sometimes I get tired of being the family party planner but am thankful to have a family that feels welcome and likes to come to our house. I also feel so blessed to still have my parents to celebrate with. Lately I have had two friends who have lost a parent and I know they are grieving, which makes me sad for them. I thought when I got older my life would get easier and less hectic, boy was I wrong. Now there are so many more people to worry about and there is always something to do. Yesterday I felt like I just needed to get out of my house. Rich took my Dad up to the cabin to irrigate the garden, so I knew I would be alone all night. Mindi was kind enough to take me to Hobby Lobby. We only had one hour to be gone, so we just walked, or hobbled in my case, up the aisles. I couldn't believe it when I saw all the pumpkins and fall décore. Then as we rounded around the side the Christmas decorations were out. After having surgery and then going to the beach, I have felt a little bit out of touch with reality. I'm hosting Bunco here at my house next month so I'm stressing about getting everything done for that. Now if I can just get Rich to fix our air conditioner and do a few other things I will be happy. Well kind of happy.

Glass Half Full?

Last year when I got home from the beach I was looking forward to going back this year. After spending a week on vacation and then coming home, it's been a different feel. I don't know if it's because of the added stress of  knee surgery, or if I'm just not the traveling type. It's taken me all week to try and get back to a state of normal. I didn't realize how much I do around here until I got home and started digging in to the mounds of laundry, animals and cleaning house. I'm also so tired, that it's hard to get motivated to do what needs to be done. Having surgery two weeks before leaving probably wasn't a good idea and I'm now faced with the fact that if I can't get my knee rehabbed, I may end up on crutches or in a wheelchair forever. Everything just seems harder when hobbling around on crutches. While I was gone I had two requests of Rich. One was to fix our pool and the other to fix the air conditioner in the kitchen area. From what I was told, he worked for hours trying to fix the filter in the pool. Something happened though and he accidently shot at least fifty pounds of sand into the pool. After spending two hours trying to clean it out with the water still in, he decided that maybe we should just drain it and start over. So for the last two days we have been working on cleaning it out and now it is filling back up. Sometimes I listen to the thoughts in my head and am ashamed that instead of just being thankful for a pool, I'm irritated that it isn't working properly. Can we say, lack of gratitude? I've been feeling a sense of sadness at some of the relationships I have. Most of it is because of my expectations not being fulfilled and the other just plain old disappointment. I'm trying really hard to just worry about myself and my own accountability but it is hard when we live in this mortal world to not get hurt by others. Life is hard for me and as I get older and this old body takes hit after hit, it's sometimes hard to see the glass half full, sometimes it just seems empty.

"There's No Place Like Home!"

I spent all last week at Huntington Beach in California. I had so much fun last year, I decided to do a repeat vacation. The only problem was I was only two weeks post op, so this year was hard for me. I think if I would have known how hard it was going to be I would have just stayed home and been sad, but I didn't. We left yesterday to come home and the temperature was 70 degrees. When we pulled up to my house it was 102, but I was so happy to be home. I unloaded my bags and got in the bathtub for the first time since surgery. It felt like heaven, even though it was super hard getting out of the tub with my poor stiff and swollen knee, it was worth all the pain. We went to the beach five times, I only went four because after a walk down the pier, I thought I was going to die, so I stayed home and rested, iced and took some pain relievers so I could get through the evening festivities. We went to the park and lit lanterns that went up into the sky as far as we could watch them. I got to spend some time with two of my kids and eight of my grandchildren making memories I won't ever forget. We ate lots of yummy food from Mexican to Pizza and Hamburgers, it will take me a couple of weeks to lose the four pounds I gained on this trip. I was also proud that I only had one meltdown, the combination of homesickness, lack of sleep and that little voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough. It was fun to get away because I spend most days alone here while Rich kills himself working, but when I came through the door and saw my home and husband and all my animals I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, "there is really no place like home!

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