Pioneer Day Celebration?

Sometimes I think I'm cursed. Yesterday when I had no water coming out of my distiller, I went outside to see what was wrong. As I was checking it, I noticed there was water spraying out of our pool pump, it looked like we had irrigation. I turned the pool off and when I went in to throw my clothes in the dryer there was water all over my laundry room floor coming from under my washing machine. I called Rich to tell him about my trials and all he said was, "don't touch anything until I get home!" Sometimes he thinks he is so funny. Last night as I was taking a bath, I started thinking about today being Pioneer Day. It used to be a big deal when I was young but it seems like here in Arizona it has lost some of it's glory. I know in Utah and Northern Arizona they celebrate it but not here that much. Anyway, as I was thinking about all the little things that had gone wrong during the day, I thought of how hard it would have been to be a pioneer with none of the modern conveniences we have. I know I wouldn't have been able to walk thousands of miles across the plains, in terrible weather, with family members dying, to get out West for religious freedom. I know I take for granted all that my ancestors did for me. Maybe I should be having a party today with my grandchildren to make them understand the sacrifice that was made for all or us. Some of the kids have started school today and the others are doing volleyball camps, so maybe I will just celebrate by going to the 40% off sale at Dillard's. When I was over seeing Max for his birthday, Brookie was showing me all her new school clothes, shoes and backpack. She started Kindergarten today and was so excited. My mind went back to that dreadful day five years ago when Kamber passed away and Brookie was only three months old. I have to say she had a huge part in saving a lot of us from going completely crazy because she needed to be taken care of. She is special to me. So life moves on and another Pioneer Day will come and go and hopefully we can all be pioneers in our own way.

"Watch Yourselves, and Your Thoughts"

I had a couple of hurtful experiences the last few days that put me in a dark place, but I have tried to work through them and now things are looking a little bit brighter. Most of the books I have been reading lately have been about controlling my thoughts. Why is that such a hard thing for me to do? Trying to keep myself in the present moment instead of dwelling on the past, or worry about the future is almost impossible for me to do. Sometimes it feels like there is a big trap sitting there and even though I see it, I still walk right into it and then there I am again back in that dark place I'm so desperately hoping to stay out of. In my book, "You Can Be Happy No Matter What," he says, "People are genuinely trying to do the best they can to make their lives and the lives of others work out well. Most people, particularly those close to us, would welcome the opportunity to help us make our lives run more smoothly." Sometimes I just don't think that is true, but then again those thoughts are making me feel that way. Today Ethan's only son had a birthday. He is a big boy who is only three, but looks about five. Their kids start school tomorrow, so Mindi and I just went out and took him a little present and gave him a big hug. No party this year. Having five sisters who love him dearly is hopefully a blessing for him. Especially the angel sister in heaven. I remember three years ago he was getting so big the doctor wanted to induce Jenn. The problem was that they didn't want him born on the day of Kambers passing which is the 25, so we celebrate today and then grieve on Thursday. While reading my scriptures this morning the verse Mosiah 4:30 kept coming into my mind. It says, "But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not." Sometimes because of my thoughts I feel like I'm going to perish, but I continue on to see another day.

"Divine Intervention or Magic?"

Yesterday started out early because Rich had to be on a job at 5:30 a.m.. I couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to get busy around the house. I wanted to put all the 4th of July decorations away and find my summer stuff that has been misplaced since last year. I decided to go into the black hole of the garage and look for my missing decorations where I found the plastic bag that my wreath goes in. The problem was there was a heavy piece of glass art on my bag. As I tried to pick up the glass it tipped over and part of it shattered on the floor. I knew Rich wouldn't be happy with me, so I picked up the big pieces and swept up the other evidence and put it in the trash. I decided to go out and feed the animals and get all the garbage picked up to put out for the garbage men to pick up. As I was heading out I turned the corner to my entryway when the bag swung around and a piece of broken glass in the bag came across my lower leg and sliced a big cut. There I stood on my entryway rug bleeding all over, what a mess. I grabbed my leg to try and stop the bleeding and yelled for Rich's secretary Amber, to go get Mindi. We finally got the bleeding to stop and they thought I needed to go get stitches. I was sweaty and dirty and not going anywhere, so I spent most of yesterday down with my leg elevated and so far it has been okay. Mindi has been taking care of a friend of hers dogs while they are on vacation for three weeks. She has been going over to their house twice a day to feed them and put them in crates at night. Anyway, when she went over yesterday she found a little chihuahua dog in the corner of their yard where someone had just put him over. She brought the poor little guy home where Amber took care of him and had planned on taking him home and letting her daughter have it. Anyway, her daughter put it on Facebook that her Mother was bringing home a dog for her and because of social media, someone saw the picture and told the owners that we had found it. The owners came to Amber's house last night after sending pictures to her and they were united with their pet. His name is Magic. When I went to bed last night I felt such a strong feeling of "Divine Intervention." For Mindi to find a dog in a yard, bring it home and the secretary's daughter putting it on Facebook, and it getting back home is a miracle. It had been missing since June 28th. The stars all lined up right for that little guy and for me, I'm just hoping to keep my leg from bleeding and having to get stitches, I believe in magic.

"The Healing Power of Love

I have spent the last two days running errands and going to the dentist. Mindi and I are trying to hit all the sales at the grocery stores to save money on feeding these children and pets. As we were leaving the last store Mindi said, "that lady just isn't nice. Why do they have grumpy old women work in their store if they can't be nice." Being a grumpy old women myself I answered her with, "maybe that is why they are grumpy, because they are old and have to stand on their feet all day checking people out, it would be a hard job." I have felt guilty for a long time that I only worked a few short years. I became so overwhelmed with kids and home responsibilities that I was lucky to survive raising my children let alone have a career. I have one daughter who loves her job and provides for her family and another who is a stay at home mother of five. I have thought a lot lately about the choices we make in our lives. I look at my children and their spouses and families and they are all very different. Their situations are different, their testimonies are different, but they are all wonderful children and parents to our grandchildren. The last couple of months have been really hard on me. Because I stayed home and tried to be a good example to my children, I take things very personal when things aren't going that great between them. Even though the things that are going on have nothing to do with me or something I have done, it still hurts. Today in my reading the chapter is, "The Healing Power of Love." She says, "The wants and needs of human beings can usually be described with one word--love. Everyone needs and is searching for love. The core of our nature is the need to be loved--loved unconditionally." I know there were times when my children were teenagers that I think I loved them, but I didn't really like them. Now they are struggling with their own teenagers and I can just stand there and be quiet and think, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this." Even though they deserve it. Elder Neal A Maxwell said, "Truly our capacity to love determines the degree to which we can develop all the other crucial qualities. Without love we will be forever impatient. Without love we will be unforgiving. Without love we will be unkind and unmerciful." So the challenge it to love the unlovable, now that is something I truly need to work on because sometimes that is me.

"The True Source Of Peace"

This week has been a stressful one so far. A friend had asked me to help her make a quilt for her little two year old grandson. It was fun to just sit and sew and visit with her, but when I went in the kitchen there was water all over the floor coming out of our ice maker. I put some towels down and hoped Rich could fix it that night. I woke up yesterday morning and the filter on my aquarium wasn't working, I don't know how long it had been broken. I tried everything I could to get it going again but finally had to go buy a new one. My friend called to ask if she could bring a load of clothes over and put in my washer because hers wasn't working. What the heck is going on? My sister just left, she had asked if I could help her today put together a quilt for one of her friends. I don't mind helping people, in fact it gives me some warm fuzzies, but as I look around at my house you can tell I've been helping others and not getting my own work done. So I took a deep breath and went in my room to read my scriptures and my book. When I opened it up, the paragraph I was on said, "Breaking The Stress Cycle." He explains that in the beginning of the stress cycle, the Spirit of the Lord prompts us to change the direction of our actions when we are moving in the wrong direction, such as when we let the temporal drive to "get things done" preclude time for thoughtful scripture reading and prayer--or when we let material possessions become too important or let our self-righteous pride direct us. Whatever our life circumstances, we can have less stress and more joy and peace when we follow promptings, stress will decrease, and faith--the ultimate stress reducer--will increase. It is possible to find peace in this stress-filled world if we turn to the true source of peace." That is what I am seeking today, more faith and less stress as I look towards the true source of peace.

Teaching Children to Work

On Saturday my sister and I dropped by to see Len and Julie who returned home from their mission last week. They were just sitting down for lunch, so we were able to have a bite with them and visit about their mission. Len was covered from head to toe in white paint and sweat as he was painting his porch out in the back of his house. You could tell Julie had been busy organizing her house and unpacking. As we sat and talked, the theme became how important it is as parents to teach our children how to work. They both agreed that the best missionaries were those who had challenges in their lives and were taught to work. As Rich and I were going to bed Spencer called from Billings, Montana where they are visiting Annie's family. He told us that several times during their visit up North they had discussed how important it is to teach your children to work and be challenged with hard things. He then thanked us for making him get up early and learn to mow, pick up trash and work on Rich's jobs scraping paint and being a gopher. I have to say there were many arguments Rich and I had over how hard he was on my little babies, but I can say I am so proud of all of them and the work ethic they have embraced. As I look around at my grand kids and some of their friends I see a soft generation. Some expect to sit around and play video games all day and really don't do much to help their parents. It makes me sad to see their lives when life gets really hard and they have to work to support a family when all they have done is played and been given everything. This morning I was out early trying to find a way to keep my animals all alive. With record breaking temperatures around 113 degrees I worried all night about what I can do to help them survive, Mindi had her kids out mowing and helping, but it is a struggle. It is so good to have them back, I don't like being alone day in and day out, it got lonely and boring. I did make a quilt for Trulie for her birthday. I found some cute Dora material and so I whipped one up for her while I was here alone. Candi is home from California, she is back to work today and is so far behind it will take her weeks to catch up. She pays the price every summer for her vacation to the beach, but it must be worth it for her to be gone, I just wish I had a place to go to get out of this heat, that would be heaven.

Sad 4th of July for Me

A month ago when I was coming home from California I called my Mom as we entered the Phoenix area. While I was gone I had called her everyday to let her know what was going on, but this time it was different. There was excitement in her voice and she said, "I'm so glad you are home, I've missed you." At the time I thought that was a little weird because I was only gone a week and I talked to her almost everyday, but with Mindi and her family gone all this week, I now know why my Mom was so glad I was home. Because I don't drive I only left my house twice. Once when a friend and I went to Hobby Lobby and to lunch. My sister took me with her to JoAnn's the same day and that was fun. Rich and I did go out to see the property that Ethan is looking to move into, but other than that I was housebound. Yesterday a friend came over to swim and then I was alone the rest of the day until Rich came home around 4:00. With all my kids out of town and no invites for a barbecue it was a sad 4th of July for me. I finally went out on my front porch and caught a glimpse of some fireworks in the neighborhood but with the temperature still 100 degrees, I didn't last long. Sometimes I know I get caught in that trap where I let others affect the way I feel about myself. How and when will I be able to overcome those feelings? Trulie had her second birthday this week and Tristyn's team took first place in the Junior National Volleyball Tournament. What an experience for a fourteen year-old, to win a gold medal and be on the best team in the nation. I wish I could have been there with her, but someone has to stay home and take care of the critters I've collected. I always think next year will be better, maybe even cooler, but maybe this is just the way it is suppose to be until I can change those things about me in my life that are holding me back.

Happy Birthday To Trulie

This has been a weird week for me. I thought it was going to be fun having some quiet time and get lots of projects done but instead I haven't felt that productive. I've been waking up really early and not being able to go back to sleep. I've been troubled about some things going on around me and different situations I have no control over, but feel discouraged about. Every summer when it gets really hot I tend to move into the "I have to get out of here" mindset, and then the monsoon storms move in and it cools down a little bit and I'm able to survive. Two years ago today, I was in the hospital while Mindi was having Trulie. I remember the look on the doctors face when I asked him to keep her in for a few more hours so she could have a 4th of July birthday. She was born at 10 p.m. on the third. She has been really a fun little girl to have around. I know sometimes it feels like she sucks all the energy out of everyone because of her personality but she is special to me. Mindi suffered a miscarriage before Trulie and she was their last shot at having another baby. I never did have the courage or faith to have another baby after my miscarriage when Spencer was two, so she is that missing piece in my life. This is the second year they have been out of town on her birthday. I have a feeling I won't get to celebrate many birthdays with her until Tristyn stops playing volleyball and has tournaments all over the country. When Mindi was packing for their trip to Dallas she needed some more pajamas for Trulie. We were so busy that week trying to get everything done before they left, we never did make it to the store. I remembered I had picked up a little cupcake nightgown to give her on her birthday. Anyway, the night before they left Mindi came down and asked if she could have the nightgown for their trip. She had just gotten her out of the bathtub and her hair looks ratty but I had to take a picture of her. I hope they are having fun, I know they have won all their games and just beat the number one team at this tournament, so they are doing well. I will be glad when they get home because it sucks being alone. I miss the chaos!

"Oh How Joyful It Shall Be"

I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. When I went to bed last night I had been so sad about the deaths of nineteen firefighters here in Arizona. I thought about all the families that are involved and just what an enormous loss of life. My friend has a son that works on a "hot shot" crew here and I called her to make sure her son was okay. I could tell she was an emotional mess and was relieved to hear her son was on another fire, not the one that killed all these brave young men. Why does God let these tragedies happen? Hopefully some good will come out of this horrible accident. We are having such a bad drought here in the Southwest and with the record high temperatures it has made the forest extremely dry and even a spark can cause a terrible fire. Three of my kids are out of town all week. I'm home alone taking care of all the critters while Mindi and her family are in Dallas. It is always nice to have some time to be alone and be able to think and relax, but I sure miss that little family when they are gone. Hopefully my sister and my friends will help me if I need to go somewhere, and Rich may even have to step up and help. Len and Julie will be home tomorrow which will be so fun to see them, it's been a long three years. Yesterday when we were in church singing the opening song, "Come, Ye Children of the Lord," the hair on my arms stood up and I got goosebumps. The words of the verse says, "Oh, how joyful it will be, when our Savior we shall see! When in splendor he'll descend, then all wickedness will end. Oh what songs we then will sing, To our Savior, Lord, and King! Oh, what love will then bear sway, When our fears shall flee away! Having all our fears flee away and feel the joy of our Savior is going to be the most wonderful thing to experience, I hope I'll be ready when that day comes.

Put On My Own Socks

Yesterday my sister Mell and I went to the doctor for our shots, weighed in, ran a few errands, had lunch and shopped a little bit. As we were driving I asked her about her husband Larry. He has been sick for a long time with several issues. He had cancer in his throat and went through radiation and some other treatments but he still doesn't feel well. For the last year he's had constant nausea and has trouble eating. I know my sister is worried about him but she is always so calm and kind. She said he asked her to take his socks off before she left. I was telling her about my feelings about life as we were driving from store to store. While I was at the beach we had so much fun. I wasn't worried about anything knowing Mindi was capable of taking care of the house and all my critters. Since I've been home the reality has set in that life is not a vacation. Rich gets up everyday and goes to work in the heat while I stay home and work around the house in the cool. I feel guilty about that. I feel like his life is working and churching and we have very little time to spend together and even talk. As I was complaining to Mell she said, "well at least he isn't sleeping in the chair all day and you have to take his socks off." That ingratitude creeps in all the time with me these days. Anyway, as I was reading in my book, "Enjoy Life's Journey," today she talked about a study that was done at Harvard Medical School by Dr. Silverman that says, "Up to fifteen years can be added to your life by reducing three emotional factors: (1) loneliness, (2) repressed anger, and (3) the fast pace of life." The study concluded that these factors are more important to our health than diet, weight, or heredity. I know when I first had the symptoms of anxiety and depression I had suffered a miscarriage, had four kids under the age of nine and Rich was killing himself to find work to support us through the recession we were in. This morning when I woke up, two of my pumps on my ponds were broken and the hose to my mister sprung a leak. The fact that it is going to be almost 120 degrees today doesn't help either. I know for sure that life is not sitting on the beach watching the waves roll in, it's dealing with all those little things that come our way daily. I just hope I can survive the heat and put on my own socks someday.

Dreams of the Ocean and Cool Mountains

I must admit it has been hard getting back to the routine from beach activities to the desert scene. I have been struggling with my mood since Spencer took his family to Park City, then Montana and back to Colorado where they will probably be living. If he gets picked up by a team he will play another year in the NFL but if not, he will start another career whatever that may be. Candi, B.J. and their two boys are enjoying their other grandparents in California and I wish I could be there with them. Mindi is going crazy trying to pack and get all her work done so they can leave for Dallas on Saturday for volleyball. I could tell I was getting sadder and sadder as I thought about my kids going away from home. The good news is that Len and Julie will be home early next week from their mission. It has been a long three years without them around. Mary and her little family are moving back from Indiana and should be home any day now. She will have some changes in her life as she tries to raise her kids without the help of her husband Lance. I was talking to my Mom about some of my sadness and she told me a little story about something that happened in the Temple last week. She said there was a twenty-nine year old sister who has cancer. She is living in a hospice environment, so they know she doesn't have much time left on this earth. They brought her to the Temple by ambulance, put her in a wheelchair and brought her in to be sealed to her fiance before she passes away. I don't know who this person is but I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since. I feel ashamed to get all out of sorts with my little problems when there are others who are suffering so much more. It doesn't help that it could get up to 118 degrees by Saturday. Maybe I will take Spencer up on his offer to move me to Colorado, I don't know how many more summers I can take it here in the heat.

"I Wish I'd Known How Happy I Was!"

When I was a teenager my Dad would say, "Teri, don't wish your life away." I remember sitting in class at Coronado High School watching the clock go around and thinking, "I'm never going to get out of this school. "Here it is forty-two years after leaving that school and I'm still wishing my life away. Candi and her family left for the beach on Saturday. Spencer and Annie are going to Utah and Montana tomorrow. Mindi and her family are going to Dallas this weekend for Nationals, where Tristyn will play in a volleyball tournament. I don't know what Ethan and Jenn are doing yet but I know what we are doing. When Rich quit his job and went out on his own to start his company, he promised me, "I will be home more and make way more money." I think he has made a little more money but being married to a business is so hard. Candi doesn't understand why we can't just pack up and spend a few weeks away. Rich has so much work piled up and people waiting for him to get to their jobs, there is no way we can leave, ever. As I was reading my little book today the paragraph title said, "Don't Wish Life Away." She says, "Don't imagine that one day everything is going to be perfect. If you are waiting for that perfect day, that perfect life, that perfect marriage, you will have a long wait. This mortal life is a place for trials and tests, hope and sorrow, pain and peace. Don't wish your life away waiting. Enjoy the journey, appreciate the small day-to-day perks, and be grateful. If you don't, there will come that day when you will say in sorrow, "I wish I'd known how happy I was!" Looking back on my life at the things I felt were so hard then, now that I've had to endure some really hard trials, don't seem that bad. We never know how much more life we have, so being grateful for all the little things I have in my life is what I need to do, so I won't say, "I wish I'd known how happy I was!"

"The Happy Book"

It's been really hard since I got home from my beach trip to get into my "life as I know it" place. Being away you forget all the day to day things that need to be done to keep a house going. I woke up really early yesterday discouraged about a lot of issues. I went in to my living room to read my scriptures. I'm reading in Alma 4:3 where it says, "And so great were their afflictions that every soul had cause to mourn, and they believed it was the judgements of God sent upon them because of their wickedness and abominations, therefore they were awakened to a remembrance of their duty." I then turned to the three books on my table that I'm reading. One was given to me by a friend called, "Love Life and See Good Days", by Emily Freeman. I finished it yesterday as the final chapter was, "The Happy Book" talking about how we should start a book of all the things that make us happy. She says, "Perhaps, at the end of each day, as you go over the things you have experienced, you could choose to remember the good part. Maybe you could start your own happy book and fill it full of days of gladness and good days." I wish I could sit on the beach everyday and watch the waves crash on to the shore and the dolphins jump across the ocean, but this is my reality. We live in the desert with the heat, cactus and scorpions. Hopefully I can start my own happy book and have enough faith to trust in the promises the Savior has given to me and deserve all the blessings I've been given.

HOT HOT Father's Day!

I have been home almost five days from my trip to beautiful Southern California and it has been so hard to get back to being productive. I have felt hot and sweaty since coming home and hopefully I will be able to adjust to this furnace we live in. I have had to fight some feelings of guilt leaving my home and family behind and actually doing something for myself. I think I went out of my comfort zone many times during the week I was gone and had a full range of emotions, good and bad while traveling.  I have been told that I am a paradox by my counselor. That means you can feel the total opposite feelings about the same situation. It was so fun getting away, but while away I worried about everything at home and felt some guilt that I was doing something for myself. Yesterday was a weird Father's Day for me. We usually have everyone over for dessert and my parents over for dinner. My Dad has felt well enough to plant a small corn and pumpkin garden in the White Mountains where he grew up. It just so happened that he was going to get irrigation on the garden last night at 3:30 a.m. So we had to hurry and have dinner so Dave and Dad could drive to the mountains, get some rest and irrigate all night. Because of some conflicts with church and other relationships we had a small group to celebrate with. I don't think men, fathers, really realize the importance of being a good example for their children. I know my Dad and I had a troubled relationship while growing up. He struggled with my strong personality and mouth. This relationship has hurt me in other relationships, especially with my husband. I am super sensitive about being criticised and hate being talked down to like I'm stupid, because I'm not. Anyway, I am just glad he felt well enough to do what he loves to do and I'm so thankful he was with us for one more Father's Day. It was important that he be around when Lennie gets off his mission in fourteen days. I am so happy to have my brother back soon. Maybe next year will be a better year to celebrate with our Dads.

"Consider the Blessings in our Lives"

I am still trying to get myself back in the swing of things and catch up on my sleep. When I woke up early this morning my mind started to wander and think of all the things I did and saw on my trip. I was lucky enough to go to Balboa Island several times. Once we walked the streets and bought treats and shopped. Another time we went with the kids and they rode some rides and played video games. On one of the last nights there, we drove up to the top where we could  look out over the ocean and watch the sun go down. The homes are amazing overlooking the bay and we could have spent all day just looking at the architecture and building of these spectacular homes. I would always think, "what does this person do to afford living in this house?" I try to never covet others prosperity or possessions, but I have to admit if I could live there, I probably would. At times while I was away from my family here, I felt guilty about being in the cool weather having fun on the beach and relaxing knowing that Rich was killing himself in the heat trying to work to provide for me, something I never want to take for granted. At times I think we don't express gratitude enough for those blessings we have been given, and maybe we feel a sense of entitlement. I think situations are put in our lives to see how we are going to overcome them and be faithful to the covenants we have made at Baptism. Life is hard, it never was suppose to be easy. I came across this quote by President Monson while I was a little bit homesick last week. He says, "I have found that rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness." I know I need to be more grateful for all that I have been given.

"There's No Place Like Home"

Wow! I got home last night from spending a week in Huntington Beach, California. I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz as we were pulling into Gilbert. There is NO place like home. I think Rich was glad to see me and I know the animals have wondered where I went. I've been busy this morning unpacking, doing laundry and I just went to the doctor to get my shot and weigh in. I only gained a few pounds which is good considering all the yummy food we ate during our travels. I am a "home body" and really don't like being out of my routine, but I'm so glad I went. The first day we were at the beach I felt such a strong belief in God. The ocean is powerful and so beautiful, but can be scary. Spencer took me out and tried to help me catch a wave on the boogie board. We were laughing so hard because the waves were beating me to death. A couple of times I didn't get a breath before being slammed again and I started to panic. I got a pedicure at a salon on the beach. It cost me a little bit more than I thought it would be, so I told Rich I was going to make this one last. We spent the day at Knott's Berry Farm and that was extremely hard for me. They got a wheelchair and I either sat in it, or pushed some of the grand kids in it. I was so tired by the end of the day I couldn't walk. There were 15,000 people at the park, 8,000 of those school kids on their end of year field trip. That is definitely off my Bucket List of places to never go back. I hate crowds and it was hot even for this Arizona girl. I got to go see the Newport Temple. It is in a very quiet secluded area and was cool and breezy, definitely glad I got to go there. Yesterday we were going to go back to the beach but it was cold and windy, so we just went to Long Beach and saw the Queen Mary ship before heading home across the desert. I am so proud of myself for conquering some of my fears and doing something for myself. I am grateful for all that I have been given and realize that everyday is a gift and am thankful for the  time I spent with my children and grandchildren in California.

Off to the Beach

I have been so crazy busy this week that my head has been spinning. I woke up this morning at 4:30 in a panic thinking about all I had to do today. For the last few years Candi has wanted me to go spend some time with them in California at Huntington Beach. Her in-laws live there and whenever she has a break in her schedule doing hair they leave for the beach. I have always had an excuse, not very good ones, but there was always a reason why it would be impossible for me to leave the comfy confines of my home. I have talked a lot about my fear of driving and flying and there was a time I couldn't leave my house to go out and get the mail. So this is a really big step for me, to leave everything and go on a vacation. I don't think I've been anywhere since Rich and I went to Utah for his family and school reunions. The thought of spending a week in the 70 degree weather, in the middle of summer intrigues me. It has never happened before. So tonight I will be on my way to a relaxing time, I hope and fun with the Wootan family. I am considering this my birthday present to myself because of the passing of Lance my birthday was pretty sad. Mindi and Dave are leaving at the end of the month to travel with their family to Dallas for the National Volleyball Tournament that Tristyn will be playing in, so Mindi will be here to hopefully keep all my critters alive. Rich probably won't even know I'm gone until he runs out of clean clothes, maybe he will have to do a load of laundry. Anyway, I just called my Mom to tell her goodbye, she has tried to talk me out of going. When I told her I was already homesick she said, "well then just stay home." This is something I need to do for myself and hopefully I won't regret it.

"You Are Not A Victim"

I am so glad that May is gone and we are now in June. Today is Candi's birthday and she turns 34 years old. She always plans her own birthday and after we all went to Golfland one year, she promised to never make me go again, they decided to just go camping with some friends. I hope they have a fun day with her. May was a really hard month for me. It started with Rich suffering with kidney stones and eventually having surgery. Who knows when the next one will come. Then Lance passed away and we just had his funeral this week. I turned the dreaded sixty and that is always traumatic. And then we have some other issues that have sent me into a spiral of disappointment and sadness. When I went to bed Thursday night my heart was heavy. I had listened to some things that I didn't want to hear. At 3:40 a.m. I was awakened by a voice that said, "you are not a victim." I didn't hear it with my ears but felt it with my heart. So for about an hour I just laid in the dark thinking about what the spirit was trying to tell me. How am I not a victim? I think all of us have times when we feel insecure, unappreciated and unloved. I have felt that now for a very long time. I don't feel normal, I know some of my thoughts aren't right and my anxieties in social situations continue to cause me great stress. I guess I must have been feeling really strongly about all the times I have felt like a victim and so I needed to be reminded that I am not. The older I get the more I realize the importance of agency. We all have our right to do what ever we want, but we won't be able to change the outcome of the consequences of our actions. I see that in my own life and that of my children and grandchildren. So as I celebrate the birth of my sweet daughter, I also feel the sadness of situations that are out of my control and don't involve me. So I will continue to remind myself that I am not a victim.

Funeral For Lance

Last week was a really hard one for our family. Nothing like a death in the family to get everyone out of sorts. Yesterday was the funeral for Lance. My brother Len got to come home for 36 hours to spend with his family before heading back to finish his mission. They will be home in a month and it will be so nice to have him back for good. Yesterday in the funeral he gave a talk about three principles they teach while serving in the mission. Number one is that "God is a loving Heavenly Father and he loves all of his children. Because he loves us he has an eternal plan for us." Number two is that "Because he loves us he has an eternal plan for us, the plan of happiness." This plan includes three stages, Pre-Mortal Life, Birth to Resurrection and then Life After Death. Then the third principle he talked about was the Atonement which covers all of our sadness, illness, trials and compensates us for all the injustices that we will have in our lives. I have wondered a lot lately why our loving Heavenly Father would take a young husband and father away from his family. But then again why would he take the very young children like Kamber, who have their whole lives ahead of them back to heaven? I feel like the older I get the dumber I become. I also realize that at any time our lives can change. All we have is today so each day needs to count for something because we never know what tomorrow will bring.

Memorial Day 2013

We are celebrating Memorial Day the Larsen way. Since the kids were little, Rich has made every holiday a day to get things done around the house. He is so busy with his job and there is so much to do around the house, we have always had a project to do on the holidays. We have a couple of guys putting the roof back on Mindi's house that blew off and Dave is putting in a new stereo out by the pool. I haven't seen Rich yet, but I'm sure he's doing something in the garage or barn. The Boston Larsens have arrived home and boy was it fun to spend some time with them yesterday. We had dinner and then met up with the extended family at the cemetery, something we have done for a long time. We are getting so big we almost need a crossing guard to get across the streets while decorating graves. This year has been hard because of the passing of Lance Craig, my nieces husband. As we were coming home from the cemetery I told Rich how sad I am for Mary. I remember the first few years after Kamber passed away how my heart felt like it was going to explode with anger and sadness. I can honestly say that I feel some closure and acceptance about her death. Five years has gone by and the sting is finally going away and I can just be thankful for the two years we had with her. I'm thankful for my testimony that there is life beyond the grave and we will see those loved ones who have gone before us again. I'm also thankful for all those who have served our country in the military who keep us free, and know of the sacrifice they have made for us. I am truly blessed.

"The Best Day Ever"

Yesterday was the "best day ever!" Not really, but it was a milestone day for me as I turned sixty years old. WOW, when I woke up I thought I would feel different, but it was the same old me. My sister had planned on taking me to lunch but when I woke up I felt inspired that we should go to Scottsdale and have lunch with the people who brought me into this world and have been my biggest source of love and support throughout my life. It was good to see Dad smiling again and having an appetite, as he has been fighting prostate cancer for the last eleven years. At eighty-four years old we feel lucky that our parents are still living in their home and able to take care of each other. It could be a whole lot worse. I had so many calls and well wishes it made me feel loved. I appreciate all those who called and brought by little treats and gifts, I truly don't deserve all the blessings I have been given. Now today I am back to reality, there are dishes and laundry to do, plus animals that need to be fed. We are also preparing for all the family that will be arriving this weekend as Mary comes home to plan a funeral for her husband Lance. Also, Spencer and Annie are coming on Saturday, so it will be a busy start to the summer. As I have struggled with anxiety and depression, plus the lack of self esteem I have learned that we can't change any one but ourselves. The older I get the more I understand that everyone has their free agency to do what they want, including myself. My testimony is strong that I know I lived before I came to earth, and when I leave this mortal life and ;pass through the veil I will be home, being united with those that have passed on before me. I hope to live a life worthy to see Kamber, as I know she loves her family and wants us to do what is right. Life is good, and I'm thankful for all my experiences that have made me who I am, even though I'm now a senior citizen.

So Sad About Lance

A couple of weeks ago when we were in the hospital with Rich waiting for him to go into surgery, the anesthesiologist came in to talk to us. I asked him if he knew Lance Craig, my nieces husband who used to work at the same hospital as a nurse anesthetist. Their eyes lit up as we talked about what a great guy Lance was. When they left the room the nurse said, "I just want you to know that Lance was the kindness, most professional person I know. He always let people feel like he really cared about them." I have thought about that so many times over the last two weeks, thinking I should give Mary and Lance a call and tell them what these co workers said about him. I never did act on those inspirations and last night Lance passed away. I will never get to tell him what I needed to. When I talked to Mary yesterday and told her my experience in the hospital, I also told her what I felt about Lance. I never saw him upset or mad, he seemed to be such a special kind of person. They moved to Indiana last year and he has been sick since January. As I talked to my Brother Len last night, Lance has had some health challenges that were never going to let him stay that long on this earth. Now Mary will have to raise her three children by herself. I am so thankful she has her training as an RN and has worked in the hospital with critically ill patients, she should be okay. As we talked, I told her I wished the Savior could come down and heal her husband, but I also know that we will not be on this earth one day longer than we are suppose to be, and Lance was suffering and now he is free and out of pain. We know we will see him again and that families can be together forever, but right now we are so sad. Memorial Day is this weekend and now we have another person to remember that has touched our lives and hopefully he knows how much we loved him.

"Taking Things Way Too Personal"

Last night as Rich and I were getting ready for bed I could see he still doesn't look well. I asked him what was going on and even though he is feeling better there are still challenges. He has spent the last two weeks sick, had surgery, went back to work too soon, and now that he's gotten the stint that went from his kidney to his bladder taken out, we are hoping he will get stronger everyday. I told him last night I feel life is just one big problem. His answer was, "especially in construction." I was feeling really secure the other day when I noticed I hadn't seen any scorpions lately. I was hoping the cold weather this winter might have killed them all. NAH! As I was pulling the comforter down from my bed last night I felt that awful sting and knew I had been stung by one of those little creatures. After saying a few choice words, I grabbed a cup and filled it with water hoping the dang thing would drown. What a horrible time to get stung right before bed. Then I was on a mission to stop the never ending throbbing at the top of my thigh. I must be a scorpion magnet because I think of all the family, I've been stung the most. In the book, The Road Less Traveled, by Scott Peck he says, "Life is difficult. This is a great truth-one of the greatest truths. It is great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult, once we truly understand and accept it, then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. When we do not understand this truth, we moan and groan about the enormity of our problems. We pound on doors, and jump up and down, imagining that somewhere, somehow, life is easy and we've been cheated. Where did we get the idea life should be easy?" I know for sure life is not easy. I've been really worried lately about some things in my life. As I was telling Rich about my concerns he finally said, "Dewey, I think you are taking this WAY too personal." I need to respect the choices those close to me decide to do and concentrate on my own happiness. That is so, so hard for me to do. The old "Free Agency" concept concerning my family makes me disappointed and crazy. But then again, life isn't suppose to be easy.

What Kind of Feathers?

I had a really nice day on Sunday with all my children doing something nice for me and making me feel special. It's nice to be remembered and appreciated. Yesterday morning when I woke up the thought came into my mind that we need to print T shirts that say, "I survived Mother's Day." Or one like the one Spencer sent me that said "Boston Strong" but maybe it could say "Mother Strong." On Sunday I sat by a darling girl in my ward that I am embarrassed to say I didn't embrace when she moved in. With my anxieties sometimes I'm socially awkward and being married to "Mr. Congeniality" makes it hard. Anyway, as we sat and talked we had similar life experiences. The loss of a baby and fears of driving and on and on. It makes me feel bad that maybe I'm unapproachable. I really try and be a nice person but maybe I'm not as "warm and fuzzy" as I should be. When I was reading my little book yesterday, "Enjoy Life's Journey, Choosing Happiness Along the Way," it's so not me, she told a story about a little girl who came running up to her mother with a soft blue feather in her hand. She asked, "What bird dropped this feather?" Her mother said, "I don't know the exact bird, but I can tell you the kind of bird it was. It was a bluebird." Then she goes on to say that "everywhere we go in life, we leave a feather. People may not know exactly who we are, but they always know the kind of person we are. Feelings are often more important than facts and beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. If you would be beautiful within, be very careful of the critical and the unkind word." It made me think about all the feathers I have dropped along the way. What do they say about me? I want to drop beautiful, kind feathers so when I'm gone from this earth people will know what kind of person I was.

"Making It Through When Life Happens"

This past couple of weeks have been hard. I have felt all kinds of different emotions as I've had a sick husband, a trip to the mountains and spending some time in the hospital hoping he would make it through surgery and be out of pain. He came home on Monday and on Tuesday was back to work. He always is over committed with clients and usually with church. Thank heavens he was released from his church job and now can concentrate on getting his jobs finished and hopefully some things done around our house. As I have spent most of this week in the toilet I have wondered, what is bothering me? I have a few clues like Mother's Day, my 60th birthday getting closer and closer, my lack of energy to achieve all that I want to, and just worrying about the future. As I picked up my book to read this morning the chapter said, "Making It Through When Life Happens." I went on to read about stress and how it can affect our lives.  She says, "stress is an emotional response to a real or imagined fear. Events themselves aren't stressful. It's how we perceive them that affects us." Here we go again, is the glass half full or half empty? I wouldn't change my life for anyone else. I wouldn't even change my children or grandchildren for anyone different. I am thankful to be a mother, my kids have taught me so much about life and about myself. I know I can do hard things because I lived through teenagers and didn't give up then. I still hear my Mom say, "Teri, Heavenly Father wouldn't have given you so and so if he didn't think you could handle this, so cheer up." This week I have told myself several times, "I just don't care anymore." When I told that to my son Ethan he said, "don't lie, you really do care, you are just upset." Then when I was talking to Spencer he said, "Mom I wouldn't change any of our problems with those who I see who really have it bad." So I guess I need to keep letting my kids teach me what I need to learn and be thankful that I am a mother and I lived to be the ripe old age of sixty. Wow, that's going to be hard.

"I Just Feel So Good"

A couple of months ago Rich was standing in our bedroom getting ready for work when he said, "I just can't believe how good I feel. For my age  and how hard I work, I just feel so good." I told him then he needed to find a big piece of wood and knock really hard on it. My experience has been that  whenever you think you have your life figured out and things are going good, it seems like it's then you get kicked in the head. Rich struggled all week from Tuesday until Saturday night when  he went to the hospital. I had urged him to go all week but he always says, "it takes time and money and I don't have either." So when Rich went to the hospital, I went to bed thinking he would call me and let me know what the verdict was. I knew they would be running some tests and he waited until the middle of the night to finally realize things weren't right. When I finally didn't hear from him and called to see what was going on, he informed me that he had a 7 millimeter kidney stone blocking his kidney and he was in renal failure with his kidneys working only 50%. WHAT? Anyway, I called Ethan and he came and got me and we spent the day in the hospital with him. They did surgery in the morning and he finally got something to eat and some pain medications and was resting comfortably  when we left at around 4:30 p.m..  We went back later to give him some clean clothes and take his truck home because he won't be driving for at least 24 hours after surgery. I have been alone a lot in our marriage because of Rich's job and church assignments. Last night as I went to bed for the second night alone it dawned on me what really alone feels like. Having a sick husband isn't fun but I'm so thankful for good doctors and a hospital with kind caring nurses. Things will get back to normal soon and some day Rich will be telling "I feel so good" again.

An Adventure or Nightmare?

I woke up at 3:15 a.m. this morning. I was so tired from our little road trip but couldn't sleep. Yesterday I spent ten hours in a car taking my parents up to their summer home to turn on the water, the hot water heater and give my Aunt Nadine her birthday present. Rich has been fighting kidney stones all week but felt fine when we left. We ate breakfast in Payson and then headed up the mountain towards Springerville. Just outside of Show Low the pain started back in and Rich was barely able to make it to the cabin. He got out of the truck went straight to the water source then started pacing around the property. Here we are three hundred miles away from home with a sick husband, a chemo patient, a mentally ill almost sixty year-old and a nervous mother wondering how we are going to get home. After Rich paced for about an hour outside, he came in and tried to sleep on the bed. He couldn't get comfortable so he tried a hot bath. The water heater wasn't working that well so Mom and I started boiling water to keep him comfortable in the tub. By now it was around four in the afternoon and we still hadn't had any lunch. Mindi called to make sure we had made it up there okay and when I told her what was going on, she stepped in and started calling the family and our friend who is a doctor. We finally decided to just try and get as far as we could and then Ethan and Dave would come to the rescue. Rich started driving and made it to Show Low, he was really suffering and making us really scared. We got gas and I told Dad to get in and drive. He said he felt well enough so on we went heading home. The sun was terrible as it was shining in our eyes and as we got to the rim Rich told Dad to pull over. He walked away from the truck, got down on all fours and started to yak. I really did think he was going to die. A really nice police officer pulled up next to the truck and asked us if everything was okay. I said, "well, my husband is really sick passing a kidney stone and we are waiting for him."  He said, "okay, have a nice evening." Yeah, we were going to have a great evening. I don't know how we did it but Dad was so calm and did such a great job driving. He has probably driven that road hundreds of times and I was so proud of him. He was my hero on this trip. We pulled in to Payson and Dave and Ethan were there, I was so glad to see them. Dave got in our truck and drove Mom, Dad and me home while Ethan took Rich to the hospital. After waiting there for awhile seeing there were at least fifteen people ahead of him they just came home. As I told Rich how scary that was and I wouldn't be traveling with him any time soon. He said, "oh come on that was an adventure." If that is what Rich thinks is fun I'm for sure not going on another trip with him ever again.

Hives, Carpel Tunnel and Kidney Stones?

A couple of weeks ago I broke out in hives on my arms and fingers. While I was trying to find a solution for that problem my carpel tunnel started acting up and my right hand was numb, swollen and felt like it was going to blow up. Then yesterday Rich started having symptoms of trying to pass a kidney stone. What the heck? Are we being punished for something or just two old farts coming down with one ailment after another? I haven't ever passed a kidney stone but they say it is the second most painful thing next to childbirth. Since I had five pregnancies, Rich has a few more to pass before we are even. The first one he passed was almost twenty years ago. I remember I was at the mall with a friend when I got a call that he was in the hospital. By the time I arrived they had him hooked up to an IV with morphine in it and he was feeling pretty good. He got so bad last night and then again this morning I was ready to call an ambulance and have them take him for some more morphine. I finally got him to take some pain pills we have and made him start drinking some ginger ale to stop the nausea. We have promised to take my Dad up to the White Mountains to get the water and power turned on in their little cabin the first week in May. I have been praying so hard that Rich would get better because Dad has his heart set on going home and seeing his sister who's birthday is Monday. After lots of prayers and a Priesthood Blessing, I think he's on the mend. I'm crossing my fingers that the pain doesn't start up again because we have a ten hour car ride to get through tomorrow. It will be fun to get away up to the high country and the pine trees and  have some time with my parents. We never know when our lives will change in an instant and someone will leave this earth. Now the bad part is we have to be on the road at 6:15 a.m. and I'm not a morning person, but for my parents I guess I will have to be one tomorrow.