Pulling My Hair Out

It seems like at times in my life I get in a pattern of having bad luck. It seems like I go from trial to trial. I have had a broken washer, broken ice maker, the misting system has been broken since last summer and the list goes on and on. I have spent since sat. cleaning up the mess that happened when our running broken toilet filled the septic tank and then came in the house. Our bedroom was wet from the closet to the middle of the room. I hate walking on wet carpet and then when it starts to dry the smell is horrible. It gives me anxiety and almost makes me sick. I must have washed 20 towels over and over until Rich finally just cut the carpet and moved it outside. I wanted to remodel my bathroom and bedroom but this isn't the best of times for us right now. Yesterday I went out and Ethan's dog Sadie had killed one of my rabbits and was eating the back end of him. Mindi helped me bury it. I wonder why rabbits would dig out when there are three big dogs looking at them. Anyway, I guess they deserve to die if they don't stay in their pen. Does anyone want two white labs? I haven't been sleeping well because we have moved down the hall to our spare bedroom. It takes time for me to adjust to a new setting. Yesterday I came down with a bladder infection which I hate. I need a change of scenery or maybe just a long nap. I know my trials are easy compared to some in our ward and family, but I like a smooth run not the bumps I've been experiencing lately.

Grandma's Angel Blog

I have been wanting to start a blog for grandmothers and extended family members of those who have lost grandchildren. I talked to my daughter-in-law Jenn and my counselor and they both think it would be a good idea. We would find others who are suffering from the loss of a grandchild and be able to talk about our feelings and what we can do to move along the road of grief together. It seems like every day there are more people who are going through difficult trials in their lives and I think it helps to be able to talk to those walking in the same shoes as we are.

Ethan asked me a question the other night that took me by surprise. He said "How different do you think it is being the grandmother of a child who has passed away and a parent?" I really didn't know how to answer him. I know that I think about Kamber everyday and wish I could hold her and talk to her and rub her little feet, smell her hair and just tell her how much I love her. But, I didn't have stewardship over her. I didn't give birth to her, I wasn't up with her all night when she was a baby. So I know it is 100 times worse being a parent than a grandparent.

I have a testimony of Jesus Christ and I know that because of the atonement we will live with him again and be united as a family with Kamber. Life is hard! We need to find Joy, (I don't know how to do that yet.) I love and respect all my children for the good they do everyday for those around them. They all work hard either outside or inside the home to make this world a better place. Rich and I couldn't be prouder of the way our children have grown up. I look in awe at how Ethan and Jenn have "girded up their loins, fresh courage take," and they are doing the best they can to raise their 3 other girls and keep their marriage strong and their testimonies intact.

If any out there know someone who would like to be a part of this new blog I will be started, let me know. It will be private and hopefully uplifting.

CAMP LOMIA

Yesterday we headed up to pine to Camp LOMia for Bishop's Night at our stake girls camp. This is the sixth year our same bishopric has had to go. It is probably our last as we will be getting a new Bishop soon. It was a fun night and the girls are so sweet and kind to us when we come and visit. We left at 12:30 p.m. in the afternoon and got there around 2:00. We played games with the girls until 5:00 when they had flag ceremony and then we went in to the lodge for dinner. We ate with Lennie and Julie and the other members of the Stake Presidency because they always come up also. After dinner they have a fireside and because it is the last night at camp the girls are crazy. They are sleep deprived and teary because they will be leaving camp in the morning. It was hot when we left so I didn't wear long pants and socks and shoes, so when it got dark and cold, 50 degrees when we left, I was a popsicle. I went to the truck to warm up and looked at my cell phone to see what time it was and saw I had missed a call from Mindi. She was in charge of feeding all my animals so I called her back. She informed me that the toilet that has been broken for a couple of months had run all afternoon and flooded our kitchen and bedroom with 2 inches of water. They worked for 2 hours with towels and sponges and did what they could do to stop the damage to our wood floor. Because I see the negative in everything, I became very angry. Here I was stuck in a truck in Pine (by this time Rich, the Bishop and all the girls and leaders were back in the forest having testimony meeting.) I sat in the truck from 9:00 p.m. to 10:45 by myself until they came out of the forest and up to the cabins for donuts and hot chocolate. We left at 11:30 p.m. and arrived home at about 1:00 a.m. I was so tired and all I wanted to do was go to bed, but we had tons of water all over our bathroom floor and bedroom and closet. Oh Well, that's life, I just went out to feed my animals and my pumps aren't working now, I guess because of the flood. Like Rich always says, "some days are diamonds and some days are stones." I will survive this and hopefully get some new carpet and a remondeled bathroom out of it.

SUNSPLASH!

Okay, can I just tell you that as a 56 year-old overweight grandma, I have no business being at a water park. Anyway, that is exactly where I ended up yesterday on Candi's 30th birthday. I didn't really want to go, but it was either go with Rich to get a colonoscopy or go to Sunsplash. Wow, what a choice, let me see, oh well, I'll try the water park. We got there around 1:00 p.m. and after we lathered the kids up with sunscreen we headed over to the wave pool. We waited there for about 20 minutes and no waves came and Troy was throwing a fit because he didn't want to wear a life jacket so we went to the Tadpole area for the little kids. Then we went over to the other side where the bigger slides are and I tried to find some shade. I used to be a sun worshipper but now I would rather be in a dark cave than in the sunlight. My skin just can't take the sun anymore. As I was watching all the kids go down the slides I thought of Kamber and turned to Candi and started to cry telling her that it wasn't fair that Kamber wasn't with us. That is when I think I rubbed sunscreen in my left eye and from then until we left the park at 6:00 p.m. my eye watered and stung. We did have a fun time. B.J. was so accommodating and got us food and drinks. After they went down the big slides for about an hour we went back over to where our stuff was and waited for the big kids to go the last time around the lazy river and the lilly pads. Mindi and Candi and Jenn and I sat and watched people. I am amazed at what I saw. There were every shape, size and color of people. I have never seen so many tattoos, boobs hanging out, not to mention jelly rolls, (I kept mine covered.) I also saw at least three pregnant girls in bikinis, (I think those big bellies should be covered up also.) I even saw a guy that was hairier than I have ever seen with a ring in each nipple. I am not kidding! I couldn't sleep last night because I was still trying to process the day. Rich always says that I live in a lead mine, and I think after yesterday that is true. I have been sheltered and I've tried to shelter my kids and grand kids, but we had a dose of reality at Sunsplash. As we left I told Candi this would be the last time in my life I would ever go and she said, "Don't worry we won't invite you next time." I don't blame her, but I guess it was better than a colonoscopy.

So Come What May

We had a fun day yesterday. We had Tayler's birthday party, Brooke Halcolm's wedding reception and stake conference. Tayler's party was kind of a Hawaiian theme and the kids swam in their beautiful pool with a rock slide and waterfall. I didn't swim because I needed to go to the reception and conference. I was sitting in a chair talking to Ethan while we were watching the kids swim and he said, " It feels like someone's missing." I said, "do you mean Kamber?" He said, "Yeh." It was a sad moment for me. Then last night on the way to the reception Rich said, "You know, sometimes you think you are dealing with Kamber's passing, but in reality you really aren't." I said, "Yeh, I know what you mean, I feel the same way." The reception was fun, Brook looked darling, her husband seems really nice and Kenny and Teresa did a great job with the food and decorations. It was held at the Superstition Springs Golf Club and her colors were hot pink and lime green. We stayed and visited for an hour and then off to conference we went. We got there just in time to listen to Lennie speak. He was talking about children and how we need to teach and help them, but ultimately they have their agency. We stayed and had some friends tell us what we had missed and it sounded like a great meeting.

This morning we got up early and had to be at the Stake Center by 9:30 a.m. because Tristyn was singing in the choir of primary children. It was really special seeing all those little children singing primary songs. They sang 5 or 6 songs before conference started and then we sang "I Believe in Christ." I was doing good until we came to the last verse when you sing,"I believe in Christ; so come what may, With him I'll stand in that great day. When on this earth he comes again, To rule among the sons of men." It was an end to the emotional journey I had been on for awhile. We need to be ready to deal with trials in our lives. "So come what may" triggered something in me and the spirit was there to teach me that we are not in control of certain things in our lives, but we need to "Believe in Christ."

TWO MORE BIRTHDAYS!

May is such a busy month it will be good to get in to June. The problem with that is June is hotter than HE#*! But, before we can move on to June we need to celebrate Tayler's birthday. This is a big one for her because she will turn 8. She is a special person. She is the oldest of the Larsen sisters and with her dark hair and freckles on her nose she is darling. I know she helps Ethan and Jenn and is smart and funny. She always comes up and gives us a hug and is so full of love. She is an absolute sweetheart.

Candi will be 30 on Monday June 1. When I was pregnant with her I think she was due on June 8th, but I was always early. We have lots of birthdays in May including Rich and mine, so I was sure she would be born in May. She had to wait until June to prove me wrong, that's the way it has been for 30 years. Candi is a wonderful person. She is a great hairdresser and a good friend to all her family and clients. She is so good about sharing her talents with her family and friends and I can't tell you how many times she has gone the extra mile to help others. She has the kindest heart and the funniest personality. She is passionate about life and intense in her feelings, (like her mother), and that sometimes gets her in to trouble. You never have to wonder what she thinks because she will tell you straight up. She is a great mother and I know she loves her boys and B.J. very much. Tayler and Candi are opposites in personality with Tayler quiet and shy, and Candi loud and crazy but we love them both and hope they each have a Happy Birthday!

Memorial Day 2009

We have had a wonderful weekend. Spencer and Annie came in and brought a friend and teammate of his from the Denver Broncos, Peyton Hillis and his fiance Hannah. It seems like all we did all weekend was eat, swim and party. They left for the airport at 3:00 so I went and took a nap. It felt good to relax and reflect on the meaning of Memorial Day. As a family we have always celebrated this day by going with extended family to the Mesa Cemetary to decorate the graves of those who have passed away. That includes my dear Grandma Fern, my aunt Tenna and uncle Elmer Heap, my great-grandparents Earnest and Centenna Turley, my cousin B.J. Abney and many others. At times we have gone, (some of us with not such a great attitude) because my mother tells us 15 times during the week when and where we need to be. Yesterday as I was getting ready to start my trek I felt that maybe I wouldn't be able to do what was being asked of me. I was in my bedroom and I started to cry and I thought, "Will I be able to handle the pain of seeing the final resting place of that sweet angel girl Kamber?" We have been there before on her birthday and the day they put her headstone on so why was this different? Anyway, when I got there and saw that Ethan and Jenn had already been there and cleaned her grave off and put some darling flowers and pinwheels on, it was more than I could bear. It is a spiritual thing when you lose a grandchild. It's something you can never prepare for and something you sure as hell hope you never have to go through. But, as I was walking in the house just now, a thought came to me that all of us have been born and we are all going to someday end up in the cemetary. It's just a matter of time for all of us. I feel at peace. I know Kamber loves her family, her parents and sisters. I hope she loves her grandparents and all her cousins and aunts and uncles that think about her everyday. It won't be long until we will be able to see her again. That I know for sure.

Thank You Everyone

This week has been so crazy, what week isn't? We had Rich's birthday on Tues. and then mine was yesterday. I usually get really sad on my birthday, I think it is childhood trauma. My parents were both school teachers and so the last part of May was always hard for them. They were finishing up the year and getting report cards done and all the work that teachers have. As I'm getting older it's time to stop worrying about myself and start thinking of others. I try to make everyone elses birthdays nice, but it's hard to enjoy my own. I do want to thank all who thought of me yesterday. My kids were all so thoughtful and my visiting teachers and friends in my ward dropped off small gifts and I had some very nice phone calls from family and friends. Rich has even offered to fix a few things around the house for me, that always means a lot. My parents came over and we had Sandy's Burros from Mattas, Spencer and Annie are here from Colorado and they brought some friends with them. We had a lot of fun eating and laughing. Thanks again to everyone for thinking of me on my birthday it meant a ton to me. I love you all!

Dewey's 55

Kylie took this picture at Brookie's birthday party. She is a little camera happy!

Today is my darling husband Rich's birthday. As he left to go off to work I told him to "have a good day and do exactly what you want to on your birthday." He said "You mean like I do every day." Yeah! All who know him can agree to the fact that he works more than anyone they know. He started his own business about 25 years ago. He promised me "I will be home more, and we will have more money." Wow was he wrong on that one. Rich can pretty much build, fix or solve any problem related to building. When we got married he was a parts man at Berge Ford. He would memorize every number in the parts so I knew he was really smart. I just didn't know he would want to do construction. He is strong and tough and expects everyone else to be the same. I remember one day he came home and had blood all over his clothes and tiny holes on his skin around his waist area. I said, "What in the world happened to you?" He said, "Oh I just fell off the roof on the job and landed on my tool belt that I just filled with nails." I think the first day on the job for Bob Jones Construction he nailed his thumb with a nail gun while framing. We were talking to my 80 year old parents on Sunday and he finally admitted that he can't do what he used to a few years ago. He loves what he does and says he will never retire, so Happy Birthday to Rich, keep on working. "If You REST You Will RUST."

I Love Being a Farmer

Tristyn holding my bunny "Carrot Top."

I just love living on two acres of land. We have been here for 13 years now and it has been a work in progress. It has taken most of our time and money for those years to get us where we are today. This morning we got irrigation or as Rich calls it (irritation). Last time we were up late and had no water so after a butt chewing by my darling husband, BOY did we get some water today. After about one and a half hours of our three we were flooded. After the flood subsided Mindi went out to feed our menagerie. I was holding my new baby rabbit. She is a Flemish Giant breed. I have always wanted one, so when I saw an add in the paper I called and went to Glendale to buy her. She will grow up to be almost 20 pounds and live over five years. As I was talking with Candi about my rabbit, Mindi came running in and said, "I need the camera, "Big Boy" is coming across the irrigation. So I went out and took some pictures of my animals. I don't know why I have an obsession with animals. I guess it started as a child when we had a toad that lived outside on our back porch. One day my Dad was digging in the planter and accidentally killed it. I remember him saying, "Teri why did you kill that toad." I know he was just kidding, but as a child I was really traumatized. I feel it is important to teach children to be kind to animals and never hurt them. I have been called a "bunny hugger" because I detest hunting and killing any animal. But I know that we need them for food but it can't be a personal animal for me to eat it. When I was young we would go to Eager and my Grandma Slade would kill a couple of rabbits and chickens for our dinner. I sometimes wonder how in the world I ate up there. Anyway, I know I'm sick, maybe I need a shrink.

Big Boy made the trek through the irrigation.

The Light

Those close to me know that once a month I go to counseling to get my head screwed back on right. It really helps me to take some deep breaths and try to figure out what is bothering me at that time. For the last two times he has suggested I read a book called,"LIGHT In The Wilderness." I am only in the second chapter but I have really felt inspired by this book. I wouldn't say that I'm an intellectual person, so when I read, it has to be easy for me to understand or I lose interest really fast. Although I wouldn't say this book is easy reading, I have managed to stay with it and I almost can't put it down. Basically, I have learned that we are in the wilderness, and without the Light of Christ we don't have a chance. This book is filled with scriptures and quotes by prophets and authors. One of the things I've learned is that "We have to acknowledge the Lord's hand in all things-to give up the idea that things happen randomly to us." She quotes Brigham Young in saying, "Make up your minds thoroughly, once and for all, that if we have trials, the Lord has suffered them to be brought upon us, and he will give us grace to bear them." I have thought about what happened on July 25th almost every day since then and at times I thought my heart was breaking in half, that I was dying inside. I remember walking down the hall punching the wall saying, "NO! NO! Why me." Then in a still small voice I heard. "Why not you?" So on we go wandering in the wilderness trying to make sense out of things that happen to us. My new motto is the Serenity Prayer which is "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Surviving Mother's Day

I survived another Mother's Day and lived to tell about it. It was a bitter-sweet day. I had conflicting emotions all day and by the night I was exhausted. In the early morning I couldn't stop thinking about Kamber and how sad I was she isn't here with us anymore, I was also feeling sorry for myself because Spencer's card he sent never got to me. Then as I sat in church listening to all the talks about how "wonderful" mothers are, I found myself back in that dark place I had come from in the morning. After Sacrament meeting my friend Paula came up to me and we shared our dislike for Mother's Day. She has had some hard challenges in her life. Her oldest son was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years ago and I can feel her pain. As we cried at the back of the church we concluded that at least we still had our Mothers on this special day. During Primary they had a fun activity where they brought four mothers in and let the kids ask questions to find out who they were. They wore brown paper sacks on their heads that were decorated with hair, eyes and lips. It was really fun. Then the kids sang four Primary songs about mothers, ending with "I am a Child of God." I could not stop crying. We have been told that when children sing it goes straight to our Heavenly Father as a testimony to him of their love.

After church we had Mom and Dad over for dinner and then the extended family came over for desert. It is always really loud when the Greer's get together. We laughed and "scratched" and it was after nine before everyone left. I am thankful for my Mother and hope to have many more days with her.

Happy Mother's Day to Me!

I woke up early this morning, Rich was pouring cement in the backyard and I needed to get up early and do my chores before the sweltering heat hits. I have 1 cat, 3 dogs, 6 rabbits, 15 birds, 11 tortoises, 8 water turtles and a LOT of fish. As I walked out to feed my animals I realized that my pump on my big pond wasn't working. As I got closer I could see that some of my fish were floating on the top and all of them were trying to breath on the surface. I hurried and turned on my big pump to get the water going so hopefully I could save some of them. I scooped some of the dead fish out and walked over to Rich and said, "Happy Mother's Day to Me." He said, "Yeh look and all this concrete." No that's not really what I was talking about. Anyway I told him I needed one of his guys to dig me a hole so I could bury my fish. Mindi came out a little later and helped me move the plants and get the floating fish out. As I was walking back towards the house I thought of the last time I lost a bunch of my fish. It was a few days after Kamber passed away I left the hose in the pond all night and with all the chlorine in the water it killed about half of my big Koi. Rich is more philosophical about it because he says, "maybe this is a natural way to thin the herd. I never have thought of my fish as a herd, but I still have plenty of fish and there's always PETCO and PETSMART, my "home away from home." Hopefully the day gets better because if it doesn't I'm in trouble.

My fish that didn't make it through the night.

Mothers and Children

I have to admit that Mother's Day is probably one of my least favorite days. It started when my children were young and took all my time and energy. Then the teenage years about killed me; I was lucky to get out of that alive. Now my kids are all adults and have their own children and I marvel at how well they take care of their offspring. My patriarchal blessing doesn't mention children so I wasted no time having Mindi ten months after we got married. On Saturday Ethan called and said,"do you want to come to dinner tomorrow? " He knew I have been struggling with some issues in my life and it was nice to go to his house and relax and have a wonderful dinner. Then yesterday Mindi made her famous Cafe Rio Pork and everyone came over for burros on Cinco de Mayo. It does get chaotic when we have nine grand kids plus a few neighbor kids over, but as I sat and watched Ice Age with Ethan and a few of the kids I felt blessed to have my children and grandchildren so close. My Mom always tells me how much she loves me, how happy she is to have her "precious" kids, and that I'm "darling." That's probably not a word that most people would use to describe me, but my Mom thinks I'm wonderful. (She's forgotten how hard I was as a child and teenager.") I guess that is why it is a blessing to grow old and be able to forget the bad times and cherish the good. I know I haven't always been the best mother, but I think all mothers do their absolute best. I don't think any of us think, " what can I do now to screw up my kids." I'm thankful for a Mom that loved me unconditionally despite my faults, there were times when she saved my life as I was growing up. I hope my children know how much I love each one of them and their children also. It would be a lonely life for me if I didn't have them.

MAY DAY

I can't believe it's already the month of May. As we were driving home the other day we were talking about how busy May is going to be. We have Rich's Mom's birthday on the 4th, Mother's Day on the 10th, Rich's birthday on the 19th, mine on the 22nd, Rich's sister's on the 25th and Tayler's (8th) on the 30th. That doesn't even include "Fathers and Sons" this weekend and Memorial Day in three weeks. May is a good month because it isn't that terribly hot yet, but the pool is starting to get warm enough for the kids to swim. I remember last year the first time we went swimming at Ethan and Jenn's, Kamber was a crazy swimmer. I was so worried about her because she would hide and take her floaties off. Jenn and I even talked about how worried we were. Then we were trying to plan a family trip to Lake Powell. The guys really wanted to go but we had Brookie a few months old, Annie big and pregnant and Spencer leaving for Denver for training camp. We talked about camping with twelve grandkids or some of us staying in hotels part of the time. Then I suggested a houseboat, I remember Jenn having a terrible feeling about that. She felt that Kamber would just walk off the side of the boat. We didn't seem to ever feel good about taking all those small children to that huge lake. Anyway, the summer came and went and the thing that we had feared the most all summer happened. I have been thinking alot about that lately. Were we being prepared for the accident, or is it just coincidence? Why didn't I do more to help Jenn with the kids? We knew Kamber was so hard. I know she is in a better place. I know people love her on the other side, but it won't be the same this summer without her.

String of Bad Luck

What a week! It seems like the older I get the faster time goes by and the harder it is to get things done. This week has been especially hard on me because of the 100 degree temps. I've also had some really bad luck with things breaking down. I have a pond with big koi fish in it. Rich built it for me a few years ago. It has two pumps, one that sends water up to the waterfall and the other into a filter box. The fish love to get under the cascading water and it helps put air in the water for them. Well, that's been broken for a couple of weeks while we've been waiting for parts. We finally got it going again and when I went out yesterday it wasn't working again. I put my sheets in the washer and left for a ward breakfast and came back to the washer full of sheets and water but wouldn't turn on. I had to pull those king-size sheets out of the water and haul them down to Mindi's, so now I need a new washer. We also have a broken down lawn mower that Rich is trying to fix, (he would rather spend money fixing old things than getting new.) Last night as I was making my last batch of caramel popcorn for primary sharing time today, I was so tired I could hardly walk. I was thinking about everything that was broken in my life. ("That's because I'm a negative person"). Sometimes I feel emotionally broken. The stress of trying to be a good wife, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, visiting teacher, primary teacher, and animal collector is a bit overwhelming. Then I realized that the biggest thing broken is my heart. I am not or will never be okay with the drowning of my sweet Kamber. I will try for the rest of my life to heal this broken heart. Sometimes I can put it in the back of my brain, but for me this has been devastating. There is nothing to prepare you for the untimely loss of a young child. My spirit tells me she's happy and in a good place, but my natural man is angry and bitter. Life goes on, and the "sun came up" again this morning. Maybe that's what life is all about, trying to fix all the broken things in our lives.

Questions for God

I have been wondering a lot lately about where my life is and how I got here. The talk on Sunday was about the three questions missionaries ask, "where did I come from? What am I doing here? And where am I going?" One of my questions is why would our Heavenly Father, who says he loves us, send us down to a place that he knew was ugly, dangerous, and full of temptation? It seems like since Kamber passed away we have found everything we could to read on adversity. There are many promises given that are suppose to help but sometimes that just isn't enough. I've been reading a book called "The Power of Adversity." It is just pages of different quotes about adversity. One of the little quotes is by Marvin J. Ashton. He talks about the different crosses we bear. Some of the crosses we bear are: the cross of loneliness; the cross of physical limitations; the cross of poor health; the cross of success; the cross of transgression; the cross of temptation; the cross of beauty, fame, or wealth; the cross of criticism; the cross of peer rejection... Then he says God has made a promise to us to "Carry your crosses with strength, with purpose, and while you do, count the blessings of God's strength." I guess I need to pick up my cross and drag it along the way and hopefully think of all my blessings today.

33 Years Together

Today is mine and Rich's anniversary. I know he would probably say,"I've spent 33 years with the wrong woman." Wow! where do I even start talking about our life together. I have been thinking a lot this week about how hard it is to make our marriage work. My nephew Evan is getting married tomorrow and I am so excited for him, but wouldn't want to start over. We have had some great times, the birth of four healthy children, and twelve grandchildren. But like every other family we have also had some really bad times. The most recent being the death of darling Kamber last summer. Rich has so many good qualities. He's a really hard worker and a great provider. He grew up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic family, but by being obedient and going on a mission his life has been blessed. He loves the gospel and the people he serves and he loves his family. He is always looking for ways to make others lives better and happier. Our marriage hasn't been a bed of roses but we have stayed together despite our differences (and there are a lot of them). We never know how much time we will have on this earth but I hope we will have many more years together. I feel like the love you have when you first get married is nothing compared to the love you have for someone you have experienced lifes most sacred times with, and the hardest trials. Happy Anniversary Dewey, I LOVE YOU!

What a Weekend!

I had a friend call me this morning and ask me if I still had my"Easter Hangover?" Oh, is that what my problem is? Last week was a blurrrr and I'm always glad when I survive a busy one. We took care of Tayler, Kylie and Brookie from Thurs, to Sat. while Ethan and Jenn were in Las Vegas. The girls were so good and we had a lot of fun, but seven kids is a lot. After they left on Saturday, we had to run some errands and get groceries for Easter dinner. We had a nice day yesterday, church was good and our dinner was even better. This Easter I felt different about the message I heard and the lesson we taught in Primary. I've always had a testimony, but I have to say that since Kamber passed away it has changed who I am. I can't really explain it, but I feel different. The Atonement means more to me now than it ever has and my eyes have been open to the fact we are all going to die. Just like we all lived in the spirit world before we were born, we are not going to live forever on this earth. In the lesson yesterday, we taught that death is a wonderful thing, and that because of the Savior we will all be resurrected. After we had dinner we went to the cemetary to put some flowers and a basket of Easter eggs on Kamber's grave. I never thought I would be spending Christmas, Easter and many other holidays at the cemetary. I have to say that there is a special spirit there. The closeness it brings to our family is amazing. There were so many other people there honoring their family members who have passed on. It was a nice ending to the Easter season.

Grandchildren Everywhere

Mindi and I have had the Larsen sisters over while Ethan and Jenn went with some of their friends to Las Vegas for the weekend. We picked the girls up on Thursday afternoon and their other Grandma Madeline is picking them up later today to have them home for the Easter Bunny. We have had fun with them and they have been really good, but I know now why you are supposed to have children while you are young. I haven't been able to take my afternoon nap or watch Oprah and Dr. Phil but I'm not complaining. Last evening as I was out doing my chores, feeding the rabbits, fish, turtles and birds the kids were all out jumping on the trampoline and digging in the sand. Troy always wants to help me (which takes me twice as long). I had the hose on and I was trying to put some water in the pond and water my plants when he grabs the hose and says,"I do it." I usually fight him for the hose but I was too tired so I just let him have that one and went and got another hose. After he filled the rabbit's food with water I decided to go in the house and get the carrots for my two baby rabbits. As we were walking back out to feed them I became frustrated with how long it was taking me to do my chores. I then had the thought that I needed to enjoy all the time I have with him and that I would give anything to have Kamber here with us. If I would have known we only had 2 1/2 years with her how much more I would have enjoyed her and cherished every second with her. You never know how much you love someone until they are taken from you. Anyway, this is Kamber's first Easter in Heaven. Having a grandchild pass away makes the Atonement much more meaningful to me.

Three Birthdays

Tyton in October for family pictures.

Ethan and Brookie at the Turkey Trot.

What a busy week we have had. We celebrated Brookies' birthday on Friday, Ethan's on Monday and I think they celebrated Tyton's yesterday in Denver by going to the zoo. Today is Ethan's 28th birthday. During the night Rich was up irrigating, we always have the best times, 1:00-4:00 am. It's never a restful night when he's in and out checking the water, but last night was even worse. When he took his irragation boots off and came in the bedroom he woke me up. I started thinking about the day Ethan was born. I was huge and so unconfortable I swore I wasn't going to spend one more day pregnant. I took matters in my own hands and induced myself. I went out and mowed our backyard, cleaned my house and then Rich mixed me up a cocktail of orange juice and castor oil. That night I woke up with terrible contractions so I called my Mom who lives in Scottsdale and told her to come quick. I don't know why it took her so long but I was pacing in our driveway. By the time we finally got to the hospital I was totally ready to deliver. I think I was there only ten minutes and the nurses were trying to help me deliver but the cord was wrapped around his neck. The doctor stepped in the room and cut the cord and he was delivered all 9lbs.7ozs. I thought he was so little but the doctor said, "this is a big baby!" Because the cord was around his neck his head was blue for a few days. They took him in the nursery and gave him some oxygen before I was able to hold him. It's good the Lord lets us forget how hard it is to birth these babies or mothers would only have one child. If a man had to go through childbirth they wouldn't be able to handle the pain. We never knew what we were having back in the "olden days" so we sure were happy to have a little fellar. We are so proud of Ethan, he's a good husband, a loving father and has a heart of gold. Sometimes he acts like a tough guy and trys to get me going by squeeling his tires and trying to run me down, but we love him to death. Happy Birthday Ethan!

Celebrating Brookie

Brookie at one year birthday.

Kamber at two year birthday.

Yesterday was Baby Brookie's first birthday. As we were getting ready during the day to go out to Ethan and Jenn's for her party I thought about when Jenn was pregnant with her. They were on their way down to find out what they were having. I was positive that the baby was a boy because I felt Heavenly Father knew they had three girls and a boy would be necessary. When Ethan called and said it was another girl I called him a liar and a few other names and then he assured me it was another baby girl. Little did we know that three months after the birth of that beautiful baby, her sister Kamber would be taken away from our family. At Kamber's 2nd birthday Jenn had a huge colored flower on her head. When I saw it I said, "wow Jenn, couldn't you find a bigger flower to put in her hair?" We all laughed and I didn't think anymore about it until we were looking at pictures of Kamber for the video for her funeral. Now that is one of my very favorite pictures of her. I am so thankful for Brookie. I know she doesn't know the role she is playing in our family. She hasn't replaced Kamber, but everytime we see her it reminds us of Kamber. She has a lot of the same little looks and mannerism as her sister, and in a way that takes some of the sting away. I know that she has helped Jenn because it has made her get up everyday and take care of her. I know Kamber is watching and loves Brookie like we do.

The Easter Pagent

Last night we went down to the Temple to watch the Easter Pagent. We don't go every year but this year I felt I needed to go. We only go on the night of the dress rehearsal because any other night is crazy with the crowds and trying to find a place to park. Rich got there early and saved a place for my Mom to park and Mindi and her boys and I got there right as it was starting. As the angels appeared on the top of the set I started to cry. I could feel the spirit and it touched me. The pagent is basically the Savior's life from birth to the resurrection. It is stories told by people who lived while he was on the Earth. I especially loved the part when they bring lots of little children up to him and he picks them up and you can just feel his love for the them. There was one little girl that had long blonde hair and her parents were carrying her up to see Christ so she could be healed. As he took her in his arms it felt as though he was holding Kamber and I began to cry again. I was using my socks to wipe the tears and I was hoping I wouldn't totally lose control. I was thinking that he had the power to save Kamber and keep her here, but he chose not to. I found myself asking "why?" again. As I was talking to Mindi today about the Pagent, she said,"when he picked the little blonde girl up in the purple dress I felt it was Kamber." I'm so glad I went and so thankful that Rich went with me. I know he was tired but he got there early and saved us a spot and I appreciate that.

Ben Hur

Last night I turned the t.v. on and my all-time favorite movie was on, Ben-Hur. I remember the first time I saw it we went to the drive-in with my Abney-Heap cousins in Mesa. I remember laying on a blanket watching the chariot race and loving every minute. That was probably more than 45 years ago. As I watched it as an old grandman it took on a different meaning than it had as a young child. I didn't realize back then that it was such a long movie and how hadsome Charleton Heston was, but I do remember the spirit I felt. As I was watching it last night my eyes began to tear up as he was looking for his mother and sister. Then as he watched the trial of Jesus and him carrying the cross up the stairs. He wanted revenge on the Romans who had sent him to the galley of the ship to die. Then he saw Jesus and his heart was softened. Rich had to do Sharing Time today, (for maybe the last time) as the Bishopric. He had made a bridge out of wood the the words ATONEMENT on them. He does such a good job with the kids. I felt the spirit again as he talked about how the Savior has made it possible to return home to live as eternal families. I know Kamber is in good hands on the other side and hope as a family we will all strive to do better every day so we can be with her again.

Empathy

Rich and I went to a funeral for a young man in our ward. His name was Ben Harper and Rich was one of his advisers in the Priest Quorum a few years ago. I have to admit that funerals are not my favorite things to attend, but after I go I'm always glad. The spirit is so strong and it is a spiritual experience for me. Yesterday as I sat and listened to the words of the Bishop and Stake President, (who just happens to be my brother), I came away with a new sense of what I need to be doing to better my life. The Bishop said," the Lord doesn't expect perfection, he just wants our hearts." At times I get discouraged when I think of all the things I'm not doing, but hopefully he knows my heart and understands my shortcomings. Lennie talked about the "Plan of Happiness" and that sometimes it doesn't seem so happy. It brought me back to that awful day in July when our darling granddaughter Kamber passed away. It was by far the hardest trial I have had in my life, but at the same time the most spiritual. The closeness we felt as a family and the love we felt from our ward members, extended family and friends was overwhelming. We know how hard the next few months and even years are going to be for them, but we have hope that the days ahead will bring them peace and understanding. We have a little more understanding of how they feel because we have been there and are still grieving.

March Madness

I love the month of March. The weather is usually nice and my flowers are starting to look really good before they start dying off. I also like March because of the college basketball's tournament. I guess my love for basketball started when I used to play outside every day after school. It was usually Lennie and me against Dad and Ben. My Dad was also a high school referee so he would take us kids all over town when he reffed. A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my friend about Kamber and how hard it is to come to terms with her death. I think I'm doing really well, but there are times that the pain is unbearable. He was telling me about his theory that you are either in the stands, or you are on the court. When you are in the stands, you are watching the players, cheering, yelling and wondering about the strategy on the court. But, when you are on the court, and in the game, it's a whole new experience. I have been in the stands for a long time in my life, but since Kamber's passing I feel I've been forced to get on the court and in to the game. I guess this is why we aren't suppose to judge anyone, because if you aren't on the court and in the game you have NO idea what it's like. I'm looking forward to being in the stands in the future but for now I'm stuck on the court.

Grandma the water's warm!

Today we had the Larsen girls while Jenn was at the hospital with Ethan having surgery to have his gallbladder out. Because it's spring break that made seven kids. They really have fun with their cousins and get along really well. In the afternoon Tristyn came in and said that they went over into the pool and felt the water and it was really warm. I said, "there is no way in h#@* that water in that pool is warm." After arguing with them for about two hours and listening to them tell me how warm the water was I decided to call their bluff. I said, "everyone outside on the diving board and you are all jumping in." We headed out to the pool and before you know it they were in swimming. After they were in a little bit the water didn't seem so warm. Tristyn was chattering and Trent was out saying he needed a towel because he was cold. I finally told Tristyn she better go all the way under because she was the one who kept telling me how warm it was. Tayler was having a blast. She and Kylie stayed in the longest and Tayler swam and swam. We had a box of Otter Pops and ice cream bars and then came in. The weather has been so pretty and I hate the heat, but it is fun to see all the kids in the pool. I couldn't help but think how much Kamber loved the water and how sad I was that she wasn't there with us; or maybe she was.

Tristyn Playing Volleyball

Four generations of volleyball players.

Last Saturday we took my Dad to the Salvation Army to watch Tristyn play in a volleyball tournament. It is fun but tiring and frustrating. There are eight teams that play in a tournament for seeding purposes for the next tournament. Anyone who has ever watched 10-12 year-old girls play, know that a lot of the time is spent listening to them scream. It brought back all the memories of watching Mindi and Candi play and it was good to spend time with my Dad. He was a good sport but admitted to getting "awful tired" by the end. Plus, our backsides were sore from sitting on the old wood bleachers. It was interesting to see all these girls, with different shapes, sizes, colors and ability play. Some should change sports but others had some good potential. When we took Dad home, my Mom was excited to see us home safely and she came out to greet us. By then some of the kids needed to use the bathroom so went in to the house where I grew up in Scottdsdale. My Mom is a typical mother and always wants to feed us, so she offered us one of her bananas. I love bananas that are just barely a little bit yellow and she had just been to the store. I swear she buys at least 14 of them every week. Anyway, I was teasing her about how there is NO WAY she can eat that many bananas in a week, she must have a pet spider monkey in her house. Anyway, Trace heard me say that and he said, "I want to go in and see Grandma's Spider Monkey." It was pretty funny. so we sent Mom in to get her bowl of bananas and took a picture. She is so hilarious, always smiling, almost always happy.

Mom's spider monkey food.

Close Call

WOW did I have another close call. I went out this morning to do my chores, (feed animals, start up the pond, water my plants, etc.). I was in the aviary putting seeds in the dishes when I saw a black furry critter run past me with a white Lab on his trail. He got under the cage and Sonny had him in his mouth before I had time to react. I started yelling at the dogs and finally got them out of the area and in the pool fence. Then I had to go back and try to get my rabbit back in his cage. I found him hiding behind the feed but I couldn't catch him. As soon as I would touch him he would take off. He finally got out of the aviary and in the yard. That's two acres of wet grass; because we got irrigation yesterday, and I'm trying to catch him. Yea, right. Anyway, to make a long story short I ran in and got Mindi and she and Trace came out and they trapped him behind the fence and got him back where he belongs. I found the hole he got out of and had to fill that in. I started thinking about how many times in my life I have had close calls. How many times was my life spared because it wasn't my time. We never know when life is going to throw us a curveball. I think of my teenage years and all the stupid things I did. I'm so thankful that my Heavenly Father was watching over me. Since Kamber passed away it has made us all aware of the fact we never know what is around the corner. All I know today is that my little black rabbit is a lucky bunny.

It's a sad day!

It is a sad day today. Spencer and Annie took their boys back to Colorado this morning. We went over last night to say goodbye. I hate being a paradox because although I'm sad they left, I'm happy he is able to fulfill his dream of playing football in the NFL. I know he isn't quite sure what it is going to be like with the new coach and some new players, but I'm confident they will see the good player he is and use his talents to better the team. Life will go on and hopefully at some time in my life I will understand why my life has turned out the way it has. I guess if you do the same things over and over you will get the same results. Why would I think I could change things when doing the same things over and over again? I know nothing lasts forever so hopefully a change will come.

Thoughts and Prayers

Our family has been deeply saddened by the recent boat accident off the Florida coast involving two NFL players and two former college players. Spencer played football with Marquis Cooper at Highland and Annie ran track with him. We were talking about it this week and how sad we are for their families. It's almost like having a scab removed again. Although our situation is different, loss is loss. We have reflected on how we got to hold Kamber and dress her and say our final goodbyes. We got a little bit of closure. We can not imagine what these families are going through. Why did one survive while the others drifted away? Why was Kamber taken away from us? I was talking to a friend this week and said, "if I could just see where Kamber is I know I wouldn't want to bring her back." He said, "she is where she is suppose to be." I guess I need to have more faith that our Heavenly Father is in charge. This isn't really our home. We are just here for the experience of having a body and proving what choices we will make to return to him. Not all of us will have to lose a child or grandchild, but I am convinced we have to go through hard times to humble us and make us more like our Savior.

My Baby Is 25

Where did the time go? How is it that my youngest child is 25? Spencer was born on Sun. March 4, 1984. I went to Mesa Lutheran Hosp. at 4:00 a.m. and he was born at 5:04 a.m. I was lucky to have two darling girls and two handsome boys. I know everyone thinks their kids are the cutest, but Spencer was darling. The first thing I noticed about him when they brought him to me was the HUGE dimple in his chin. I remember how excited Grandma Greer was because her "daddy had the same chin." It has kind of moved to the side a little from being hit so many times in football, but I still think it's cute. Because Spencer is three years younger than Ethan we had three years alone before he went to school so I would take him everywhere with me. I remember one day taking him to Mervyns to shop. He was probably about 3 or 4 years-old. He was hiding under the clothes and turning the rounders and not being good. I picked him up and swatted his butt and scolded him, (okay, I probably cussed a little too). Anyway, when we got in the car I told him he was a bad boy to act like that in a store. The next time we ran errands and I told him we were going to Mervyns he said, "I don't want to go to Muvens, I don't do good at Muvens." He couldn't say his R's or L's so he said some really cute things. We never know when we get these little spirits from heaven what challenges we are going to have with them. I am thankful for all my experiences with my children. Some have not been fun. Some have been heartbreaking for us. But, we have been blessed through going through the trials. Everything I didn't want to have to go through raising four kids I got to experience, (well almost everything.) I wouldn't change any of it nor would I want any other children. The older I get the more I realize how lucky I am that my children survived having me as their mother. I'm thankful the Lord trusted me with these strong spirits.

Lunch With The Girls

Last year we decided that instead of giving birthday gifts we would just go out to lunch to celebrate. This is our second year going and it was fun to get out with just adults. We went to the Paradise Bakery and got sandwiches, soup and salads. Now that Linda has moved to Chandler I miss not seeing her and my nieces and nephews much. Julie lives three houses down, but with Len as the Stake President her life is way busy. It's weird to think that for thirty years I have been able to stay close and build relationships with my sister and sister-in-laws. I was a spoiled brat as a young girl, (some things never change). I didn't treat my sister very nice while we were growing up. She was way smart and studied hard only getting one "B" in her whole life. I loved my friends and boyfriends, sports and everyone else besides my family. We had early morning seminary and I hated getting up early. My sister Mell would turn the alarm on and then wake me up. I decided to turn the alarm off when I went to bed so she would be late to seminary. I hope I can be forgiven for that. When Kamber passed away Len and Julie went to the hospital to console Ethan and Jenn, I know that meant a lot to them. Then Linda and Julie organized all the pictures at the viewing and funeral. Julie also wrote the obituary, which was perfect. Everything they do is done with class and style. I appreciate everything they have done for me and our family. We are getting older and each of us have had our trials. I am so thankful for my sister and that my brothers were smart enough to pick some darling girls to marry.

Walking the Mall

I'm sad to say that my days of walking the mall are over. Yesterday Mindi and I spent three hours shopping the mall trying to use all her coupons she got for her birthday. We started out at Macy's and after going to Merle Norman, Just Sports, Victoria Secret, Bath and Body Works, Lane Bryant, The Children's Place and Dillards, I was done. My poor fat arthritic body was talking to me. I could barely make it to the car. I spent all last night in pain and after two Aleve and a Tylenol I was still hurting. So I just layed awake wondering how I have come to this place in my life. It was 1986 and I became pregnant with my fifth child. I had four children under the age of nine and wasn't that excited (that was an understatement) to be pregnant again. I couldn't believe I was pregnant and told the doctor I didn't feel the same this time. I wasn't feeling horrible like I usually did. Anyway, to make a long story short, I had a miscarriage at eleven weeks. The baby died sometime around eight weeks. It was traumatic for me because I had never lost a pregnancy before. I had four healthy children but that didn't really ease the pain. After this experience I started having some really strange symptoms. I didn't feel like myself. I was going through life oblivious to what was in store for me physically and mentally. We were having financial problems because Rich had quit his good job to go in business for himself. We didn't have any money and I worried all the time about how we were going to keep our house and feed our children. I remember my parents giving us money for food. Then I ended up having three surgeries and radiation on my thyroid for the second time. As I was awake last night I thought of some of the judgements I have made of others wondering why they acted and looked the way they did. One thing I have learned is that we never know what people are going through or what they have gone through to make them who they are. I am sure there are others who are saying "both my ores are not in the water." All I know is that I won't be doing the mall thing anytime soon.

Insomnia

Is it age, hormones, stress, or a combination of life that makes me not get a good night sleep? Rich says it's because I don't do enough during the day, so I'm not tired enough. Huh! For the last few months I've been waking up at 2:30a.m. each morning. I lay there awake until Rich gets up between 4:30 & 5:00a.m. before I finally get back to sleep. This is wearing me down. While I'm awake I just think of all the things I need to do the next day. I worry about money, my kids and grandkids, errands I need to do, housework and a bunch of other stuff. Last night was especially bad. Rich has been sick all week so all I did last night was lay there and listen to him breath. Then I worried that I was going to get the "creeping crud" and what I needed to do to keep away from him. So, I pulled the sheets up over my mouth and nose and prayed that I don't get sick. Three hours is a long time during the night to be awake, but it goes by really fast. I started thinking about how our lives have changed since Kamber returned to Heaven. How fast someone can be taken from us. How unprepared we were to go through a trial so hard. I have often said, "there isn't a scripture, a lesson, a conference talk, or testimony that can prepare you for the loss of an innocent child." I have often prayed that I could talk to her one last time. That I could tell her how much I love her and how special she is to us. Maybe she already knows, I sure hope so.

Boy are we spoiled!

The last couple of months have been really stressful for me. We have had a ton of birthdays and Valentine's Day also. It seems like all I did was clean and do housework and run errands. Today I decided to take a day off and go to Tristyn's club volleyball tournament in Phoenix. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. because I was worried I wouldn't get up in time to get my chores done, shower and get to the Salvation Army gym by 8:00 a.m. We left a little late but made it there half way through the first match. It was weird to be on the road on a saturday morning because that isn't my routine. The weather was beautiful and it was nice to just be out and about. After we watched the first game we ran to Walgreens to get a birthday gift for a party the boys were going to in the afternoon. We were on Broadway and around 16th street. Wow do I live in a lead mine. I felt so spoiled as we saw some of the people walking down the street. Some had all their possessions in a shopping cart, others were just carrying them in a few sacks. The homes were painted some really wild collors like pink, orange, and blue. I wondered, why do I have a nice home, a great family, the gospel, and so many blessings, and these people have nothing? I know they are our Heavenly Father's children also, but why is their life so hard? I have such gratitude for my parents, my husband and my children. It's too bad that I have to take a trip to South Phoenix to remind me just how good I have it.

Pathway of Discipleship

I am amazed at how fast my life seems to be moving. As I get older it seems like it takes longer to do the things I could breeze through a few years ago. Rich looked in the mirror in our bathroom the other night and said,"Wow, I feel like I have really aged the last few months." I said, "I think since Kamber died we have both aged a bunch." I've been reading a really good article by Elder Neal A. Maxwell called "The Pathway of Discipleship." He was a great Apostle that ended up getting leukemia and dying. Most of his stuff is WAY over my head, but a few things really stood out. We are here to develop divine attributes of love, mercy, patience, submissivenss, meekness, and purity. The only way we can get these is through our experiences; those trials we are asked to pass. "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."(D&C 122;7). He then goes on to say that by living the Gospel we will become more aware of situations where we can do good. I know I am surrounded by people who are trying to be disciples of Christ. The kindness of people around me continues to amaze me. The little notes in the mail, the calls, and the darling gifts I received honoring Kamber on her birthday last week will never be forgotten. Thank you all for caring about my feelings. I hope to become a better disciple of Christ myself.

Emotional Week

I can't believe another week has passed by. Life is turning into a whirlwind for us. We had Kamber's birthday celebration on Tues., a ward Valentine dinner last night, Trace's baptism today and we just got home from a dear friend's 65th birthday party. I have spent the most part of the last two weeks trying to clean house, decorate, and finish projects to prepare for this week. As I was sitting in the car with Troy on Fri. morning while Mindi ran in to Hobby Lobby I started having really bad anxiety. I felt totally overwhelmed with what was asked of me. I was to host 4-5 couples in my home for a ward party. I was having the whole family over for a luncheon after Trace's baptism. How could I possibly do that? I was feeling really bad about losing Kamber and not being able to come to grips with that loss. I have heard that when you start feeling that pressure, to start writing down all your blessings. So, I grabbed my purse and found a small slip of paper and started listing all the things I was grateful for. After writing down about 20 things on my paper I started feeling a little better. It took my mind off all the worries I had and I concentrated on the positive things going on in my life. I do have so many blessings. I have been told that I am a negative person, that I only see the bad in every situation. We had a great day today. I felt the spirit really strong. But I also felt the missing child that wasn't there with our family. I hope time will heal this hole in my heart.

Up and Down

Have you ever noticed how when you have a good day, a special day, whether it's Christmas, a wedding, a birthday, or even after Conference, you always seem to have a major letdown the next day? S0 went my day today. We had such a special day yesterday remembering Kamber on her birthday. We met at the cemetery in the late afternoon and wrote messages to her on little papers. We tied them to the balloons and let them go at the same time. We watched them until we couldn't see them anymore. Then we went to Ethan and Jenn's and had pizza, salad and birthday cake. When I was at the cemetery I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel her there. But when we got to the house for dinner, Jenn had a cute little list of things that Kamber likes. It was very emotional for me and I could feel her spirit really strong. Ethan and Jenn continue to amaze me with how strong they are. I know in their private time they struggle, but they are an example to me. As everyone knows, I love animals. I help a friend of mine rescue unwanted or found rabbits, birds and tortoises. Well, I had a little white rabbit that the other rabbits were beating up. They hurt his back and bit his tale until it was bleeding. So I made the decision to move him over into another pen with the tortoises. He was doing really well and yesterday he was hopping all around and looked happy. Well, this morning Rich came in to tell me that my little white rabbit had been killed and almost eaten by my dogs. The gate is broken and it hadn't been secured enough so they jumped over the barrier and killed him. I am smart enough to know that this is just a rabbit and there will be more where he came from, but it put me in a bad place for today. Life is hard. It is full of good times and bad. My Dad always says, "The sun will come up tomorrow." Rich says,"Some days are diamonds, and some are stones." Well, the sun will come up tomorrow, but today was a stone.

This is after we let all of the balloons go.

KAMBER'S BIRTHDAY!

What a wonderful day. We had a good storm last night and in Arizona that is always a treat. As I went out to feed my cat and water the plants on the front porch I thought of how pretty my flowers are getting and how much they must have loved the rain. When people come to the door they always say how good my flowers smell. I remember a few months ago when Rich and his guys were planting them. I had to go inside my house and have a good cry. But, it has almost been 7 months now and I think as a family we are moving closer towards acceptance. I believe that the Lord's hand is in everything. We can't pick and choose which experiences he has his hand in. People have been so kind to us. I have felt their prayers and I hope to be worthy to receive the spirit to help me. I just went out to get the mail and there was a note from some dear friends. It was a saying that Elder Wirthlin gave in the Oct. 2008 conference. He has since passed away. It says, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." I know that because of our love for Kamber it has changed who we are. I hope we can be among the faithful Elder Wirthlin was talking about. Happy Birthday precious Kamber, we will always remember and love you.

The Big Elephant

I was talking to a friend today and explaining how I feel about the big pink elephant sitting in my house. Maybe I don't have a pink elephant in my house, but I do have a dark cloud hanging over my head. It follows me everywhere I go. Sometimes the elephant leaves and the sun shines through the clouds, but most of the time they don't. My sister called and told me she and her husband have been asked to give a talk in church this week. The subject is "Surviving Spritual Hurricanes." She wanted to know if I had any insight on that. I sent over Rich's talk on "Gratitude for Adversity," and another talk by Brude Hafen. As I read that talk I realized that we can't show empathy and charity to others without going through some form of affliction, physical or mental first. I look around and there is suffering everywhere. I have a new understanding of suffering now. Elder Maxwell said "If we are serious about our discipleship, Jesus will eventually request each of us to do those very things which are most difficult for us to do." I hope someday to become a better Disciple.

Primary Spirit

Mindi and I have the amazing job of teaching the 10-11 year-old girls in Primary. This age is so special because they are still really innocent and not yet obnoxious, (well most of the time.) We are learning about the restoration of the gospel by Joseph Smith. I swear I learn more than they do. After Kamber passed away we took a month off from teaching. We didn't know whether we would be able to go back to Primary with all those little kids. I have to admit the first couple of weeks were hard. I would think, Kamber isn't ever going to be in a Sacrament Program, get baptised or give a talk. One night as I was having a "Kamber Moment" I was telling Rich about how hard it is for me to see all those kids and what she is missing. He then told me that she doesn't need to do any of that stuff. She is already promised the Celestial Kingdom. This month we are learning a new song. I have never heard it before. It is "The Family Is of God." When I woke up this morning the words to this song kept going through my mind. The words to the first verse are,"Our Father has a family, It's me! It's you, all others too: we are His children. He sent each one of us to earth, through birth, To live and learn here in families." The the chorus says,"God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be. This is how He shares His love, for the family is of God." I am so thankful that Kamber is part of our family. I don't know why she was taken home so soon, but I hope to live worthy to see her again.

My Father is 80!

Wow am I getting old. My Dad turned 80 on January 29, 2009. We had a party for him at Mi Amigos with over sixty family members attending. Ethan asked me how it felt to have my parents so old. I responded with " I thought they were old when I was a teenager and they were in their 30's." My Dad is a survivor. His father, my grandfather died when he was 2 days old from typhoid fever. That left my grandmother a widow and single mother at 20 years old. He had a very rough childhood with a stepfather and alcoholism a problem for he and his little sister. They lived in a small town in the White Mountains where he lived until coming to ASU on a basketball scholarship. He had a terrible football injury in high school that has given him trouble his whole life, but he is an avid golfer and in his prime a great basketball referee. In his golden years he has had two hip replacements, one knee replacement and is fighting a battle with prostate cancer. They gave him 18 months to live 6 years ago and the doctors can't believe how good he's doing. He didn't want us to make a big deal out of him reaching 80, but our kids and grandkids don't know how lucky they are to have a living grandfather and great-grandfather. I never knew either of my grandfathers so I'm happy my children and grandchildren know him. My Mom will turn 80 in November so we are going to pamper her so she can make it to that milestone also. We are so happy to still have them around. They are such a good example to us and we couldn't do it without their love and support.