Spring Break 2015

This week is spring break, so in true Larsen fashion we are having a work party. It started on Saturday when we had all the kids out cleaning up the back yard. We had a stretch where with the rains and irrigation it was too muddy to do anything. Now that the temps are in the high 80's and shooting for 90 tomorrow the weather is perfect for working outside. I decided it was time to tackle my sewing room. It seems like I just get in there and sew until I'm too tired to do anything else, so I just turn everything off and shut the door. Even though I have four or five quilts to put together, I decided it was time to get organized. I've spent the last two days sorting through scraps of material and organizing them into colors and textures. Being organized isn't one of my talents and it's extremely hard for me to get in the mood, but I will be so happy when I can find things when I need them. On Sunday we had Mom over for dinner. Len had to speak at Stake Conference in Tempe so he and Julie picked her up and took her with them. After he spoke they brought her to their house, where we picked her up and she ate dinner and visited with us. Then Len took her home on his way to another meeting. I think she is doing great with Dad passing away, but I know she is lonely and always comments that life sure isn't much fun without him around anymore. She could come live with us but right now she wants to be in her house, with her friends and ward family calling and checking on her all the time. I suppose some day she will get tired of being alone and decide to make a change, but until then and as long as she is of sound mind, she can do what she wants to. Maybe the chaos of our "funny farm" would be too much for her to handle anyway. When I went outside yesterday to feed the critters, the warm breeze and scent of orange blossoms made me so melancholy. I miss my Dad, and I still miss Kamber. I know they are both together, and both happy to be where they are, but I'm not happy they are gone. Mom keeps reminding me that we will all be joining them someday, but for now I'm still stuck, stuck in that place I've visited before and hopefully can leave someday.

Wet and Busy Week

We started off the week with two and a half hours of irrigation and two days of rain. It has been in the 50's and 60's which is cold for this part of the country. Hopefully it is going to warm up and dry out because I hate feeding animals when it's a muddy mess. I had a friend text me last week asking if I could adopt her ducks. She has been breeding and raising Muscovy ducks for a few years now, but with the recent passing of her husband she was downsizing. So I'm now the new proud owner of the cutest ducks on the planet. This is the time of year that I really enjoy my herd, or flock, or pack, whatever animals I have. The problem is when the temperatures go up in to the 100's that it gets hard. I'm not as young as I used to be and it's getting harder and harder to run the farm while hobbling around on a bad knee, bad hip and other ailments. If I were rich I would buy a 20 acre piece of land and rescue as many animals as I could handle. I would also hire a few guys to come and do all the work. It would be heaven to me to care for the injured, sick and those whose owners have abused them. I'm not rich, and I'm married to a Rich who doesn't particularly share the same love for animals as I do, so it makes it quite hard to run the petting zoo by myself. He's been a good sport most of the time, bless his heart.  It has been seven weeks since Dad went to see Kamber. Sometimes I really am at peace with his passing, then others I'm angry and sad. I can say that it was way easier to let Dad go than to come to grips with Kamber leaving, but I'm so thankful for the knowledge I have that we live after death. If losing a loved one was final, with no chance of ever seeing that person again, it would be unbearable, but because of the Atonement and my belief in a loving Heavenly Father, I know I will see them again. So every day is a challenge to keep my mind and emotions right, to stay busy doing what I love and serving others. I've been working all week on some quilts and burpers for the twins. They are getting so big Jenn is using their baby quilts to burp them with. I do have to say that sewing helps me created and do something I love. It's way more fun than laundry and dishes.

Where Did The Month Go?

I had two dentist appointments this week plus a visit to the chiropractor. As I was at one of these places someone said, "where did February go?" To me it seemed like it just dragged on but to others it flew past them. It seems like everyday brings another set of emotions. Sometimes the days are busy and happy and then others are filled with pain and sadness. I've been through this roller coaster of emotions before, so all I can do is move "onward and upward." After Kamber passed away I had a special experience where she came to me in the early morning hours. She didn't say a word but I could see how beautiful she looked and how happy she was. I had the same experience with my Dad last week but it was totally different. It was early morning again, somewhere between the different kinds of sleep when I realized I had been talking to him. I didn't hear his voice, nor did I see him, but I knew what he was saying to me. I know it sounds weird but I know what I felt. When I finally woke up and realized what had happened I tried to remember all that was said, spirit to spirit. These experiences are sacred to me and I am so thankful to have been able to experience them. It strengthens my testimony that life doesn't end when we die, we just move to a different dimension. I have often wondered if those who pass away mourn the loss of their family left behind. Does my Dad feel bad that he left Mom alone? She has been working all week on her taxes. I know how difficult it was for her because every time I talked to her she seemed frustrated and stressed about doing it all by herself. She even commented on how she wished Dad could have at least waited until after their taxes were finished. My sister and I both offered to help but she didn't seem to think we would be any help, she needed to do it by herself. Well, yesterday my sister took her to her appointment with her accountant and now that they are finished she can rest. Sometimes I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. It seems like every time I try to change and get my hopes up there is a setback, but I'm thankful for this old body of mine and for all that I've been able to experience and learn. I realize that we need to go through challenging things to be able to have sympathy and empathy for others. This will hopefully make me closer to the Savior which is where I want to be.

"Are You Giving Up?"

For the last month I've been all over the place emotionally. Life is hard enough without the death of a loved one. On Monday I was so tired from the weekend and hoping to have a good day. It seemed like everywhere I turned there was another challenge. By the time Rich got home, I was so despondent he just looked at me wondering what was wrong. When you are young and dumb, life seems so simple. When I was a teenager all I worried about was myself. I dreamed about getting married to "Mr. Wonderful" and riding off on that white horse and having ten kids. Except I'm afraid of horses and don't have much patience for that many kids. Anyway, after having four kids, numerous health challenges, disappointments and trials, sometimes I feel like giving up. That was where I was on Monday night. Rich looked at me and said, "After coming this far you are just going to give up?" Yep! That seemed like the right thing to do, crawl in a hole and cover myself up with dirt. I took a hot bath, said a prayer and went to sleep, not caring if I woke up or not. Well, it's Wednesday now and I'm still here. Everywhere I look there is something else to do and someone who needs my help. I'm just one person with lots of posterity that I worry and pray about everyday. Now I have a Mother who is lonely and I'm afraid is eating  less than 500 calories a day. Sometimes I feel like I'm caught between old and young and spinning in circles. No matter where I look there is someone with worse trials than me. I'm thankful for my blessings and am trying to see the good in others and in myself. Boy it's hard getting older and wiser and I'm afraid times are just going to get worse, but for now I will keep on going until it really is over, or I truly do give up.

Falling Apart

Another week has come and gone and I'm feeling a little bit more like myself.  I was warned that even though we knew Dad was terminally ill, until he actually passed, that was when the grieving starts. It's hard to get upset about him leaving because he was suffering, which we didn't want to happen. So he's starting his final act on the other side waiting for all of us to join him. The four of us got together the other day to talk about moving forward. It's nice to have an attorney and an insurance specialist on our side. Mell and I would be totally lost trying to deal with all the paper work that needs to be done surrounding his death. Mom and Dad have been good to get their estate in order and all we need to know is that it's divided between the four of us. Nice to know I wasn't written out of the will, they love me as much as my siblings, Whew! I have felt lately like I'm falling apart. I went to the doctor last month, spent a fortune trying to regulate my hormones and that seems to be causing some unwanted side affects. Then when I went in to get my prescription renewed I was warned that I'm getting close to diabetes, which I definitely don't want. It couldn't been the chocolate and carbs that I crave could it? Anyway, I just got home from the chiropractor and I'm in really bad shape. My right arm has been going numb and tingly and it's either arthritis or a pinched nerve in my neck. This almost sixty-two year old body has taken a few licks and now I'm paying the price. Next week I have two dentist appointments, one with the oral surgeon and the other an exam and cleaning. Then she will tell me how much my tooth is going to cost to hook on to my implant. It never seems to end and Rich has a front tooth that he has needed to fix for a few years now. It finally broke off so now he will be forced to take a few hours off from work to get it fixed, unless he just wants to look like a redneck.

When Did This Happen?

I have to admit these last few years and especially these last three months have been unbearable. This morning as I was taking a look back in time I wondered when all this happened. When did I lose my identity and my self esteem? When did I stop loving myself, making it hard to love anyone else around me? When did I let other people tell me who and what I am? Maybe it's the loss of hormones or the wisdom of age, but something has awakened in me and I need a change. Last night as I was brushing my teeth a thought came in to my mind. Why didn't Mom ask for help when Dad was so sick after his last dose of chemotherapy? We all knew he was really sick but none of us kids really knew just how sick he was. So this morning I asked Mom why she didn't reach out to us for help. Her answer was usual Barb, "you were all so busy with your own lives, I didn't want to bother you, I was doing fine." It's easy to second guess everything that has happened in life. If I would have known Dad was going to die I would have spent every second I could talking to him and trying to relieve his pain. So my life goes on wondering what I could have done better or different to change my life. One time when I was questioning some of my choices a friend told me, "the past happened the way the past happened, because that's the way the past happened." So it doesn't really matter what mistakes I've made in the past, the future hasn't happened yet, all I have is this moment, this second right now.  A few months ago when our home teachers were over Rich made the comment that he felt guilty he didn't have enough adversity in his life. As he looked around at others trials he felt he needed a big dose of adversity. If looks could have killed, I think he would be dead, because I think we have plenty of adversity right now. Unfortunately the adversity Rich wants, affects the rest of us and that's not fair. So life goes on, there are dishes and laundry to do and ten quilts waiting to be finished, and errands to run. How do I get myself back? The person that the Savior loves and is proud of, that's the question I want answered from Heaven. All the advice I get from Mom is "just do the best you can."

Starting the Firsts

I can't remember when I've ever been as sad as I have been these last few weeks. It isn't just one thing but a lot of little, or some big things that are bothering me. Losing a parent is hard, but losing a grand child is even harder.  A lot of the same feelings I had after Kamber's death have surfaced with Dad getting really sick and opting out of this mortal life. As I was talking to my Mom this morning, I just became so sad. She misses him terribly. She has been his caretaker for sixty-four years. I have seen her serve him by showering, dressing, and feeding him, plus getting his socks on. Then the last two weeks of his life cleaning up after him and being by his side as he took his last breath. She is also very grateful that his suffering is over and has faith that he is in a good place with his family and friends who have gone before him. I remember after Kamber passed away there was the first of everything, and now we start the firsts without Dad. The first Super Bowl, the first baptism of a great-grandchild, and tomorrow is the first Valentine's Day. I don't know how he and Mom celebrated but I'm sure there was a love note written, a simple meal and then watching something together on t.v.. Valentine's Day to me is right up there with Mother's Day and I'm happy when it's over. I have enough flowers around my house and I eat enough chocolate daily, that I don't need a special occasion to indulge in things that aren't in my best interest. I do love all my little heart decorations I put all over my house but those will be put away before the day is over. I wish I had the faith and hope of my parents. Dad was such a good example of doing hard things. With the injuries he suffered as a child and being brought up in an alcoholic home couldn't have been easy. He rose above it all and became a great man. He wasn't perfect and he struggled at times but when he left he took a part of me with him.

Kamber's 9th, Sick Kids and Service

I've spent the last two days over at Ethan and Jenn's trying to help their sick family. When we knew about the twins I had promised to help them as much as possible. They were born right before the Holidays and then both of them had surgery, which sent us into a tailspin. When Dad got sick and then passed away, there was another couple of weeks she has been on her own. When I got a call from Ethan asking if I could help because Jenn had now caught the nasty bug that most of the other kids have already had, I finally felt I could help. Wow! That's all I can say when I think about all the work being the mother of eight children, two of which are the same age.  This morning I was so tired when I woke up. I was watching the news and when they said it was Tuesday February 10th, a thought came in to my mind of what a nice day that would be for a birthday. Later on when Ethan called and asked if I knew what today was, I finally realized it was Kamber's ninth birthday.  Mindi and I took Trulie and we headed out to help the sick. Jenn had mentioned that the babies don't have any clothes now that they weigh almost twelve pounds, so we stopped at Kohl's to see what we could find. After buying a couple of sleepers, a few outfits and two umbrellas for the little girls we were on our way to their house. I started doing MORE laundry and Mindi fed the baby who was awake and Jenn went to the grocery store. I guess it's pretty hard to get to the store when you have so many kids and I'm thankful she was feeling well enough to make that trip. She came home with bags and bags of groceries and some pink and red cupcakes to celebrate tonight with the kids. Ethan was going to stop by the cemetery to decorate on his way home from work. As we were all talking about today, we are so happy for the grieving process.  Thankful for our knowledge and hope we will see her again, and finally that this year she has a great-grandfather that loved her and will spend some time with her today. Thanks again for whoever sent a package for the twins, that was the only thing that fits them right now. They were wearing them today so I had to take a picture of them and the cupcakes, which we will be having for dessert tonight to celebrate the life of a child who died too soon, and who we love more than anything.

Emotional Whirlwind

These last few weeks have just been a whirlwind of emotions. I know the stages of grief because of my past experiences but feel more prepared now to deal with them. At times I feel so sad and then others so extremely grateful for all the tender mercies I've received. The older I get the more I realize that we are asked to do really hard things while in this mortal state. At times I even wonder if I'm going to be able to take the pain and heartache of it all, and then I surprise myself that I did make it. I'm trying to get back to normal by making tamales and working on a quilt, keeping busy helps me keep my mind on the task at hand and not the sadness that likes to creep in. I worry about Mom and her ability to take care of herself. I know she is lonely but it has to be her decision to leave and come stay with us kids when the time is right. When my Grandma Fern passed away, they weren't even able to go into her house for a year, they were so devastated by her death.  I have been looking back on the week before Dad passed away. He talked to each one of us individually and told us his wishes were to be out of pain and stop all the medical heroics. We got the talk on Tuesday the 20th. On Wednesday none of us girls could go because of other responsibilities but Mom, my brothers and Ethan went to see him. If I would have known that was his last day alive, I would have stayed with him all day keeping him company. The last picture I took of him was the first day he was in the hospital so I could send it to the grandkids, most of them had planned on going to see him the day he passed away. Life is short and we never know when we will be thrown a curveball, but I do feel that most of us do the very best we know how, hopefully having no regrets.

I Hit The Wall

The last couple of days have been really hard for me. I was wondering last week why I felt like I was coping really well, until I hit the wall yesterday. After church Mindi and I went to Scottsdale to pick up Mom for dinner and to watch the Super Bowl. We had also planned on having a little get together with all my cousins that live here and those visiting for the funeral. When we got to the door to the house we could hear Mom playing the piano. She has taken lessons for a long time and still at eighty-six is trying to improve. She told me once that the reason she doesn't give up is because when she dies and sees her Mother, she wants her to be proud that she kept up with her piano playing. Her teacher told me that Dad had said that sometimes he just stands near the living room listening to her play and it sounds beautiful to him. While standing at the door I noticed that my Dad's brand new truck is still parked the same way it was the last time he drove. He had come over to MD Anderson for his last chemotherapy treatment. After that Spencer and I played Mom and Dad in a game of Rook before we went out for Mexican food. That was the last real food he ever ate and two weeks later he was gone. So many memories that are going to crop up when I least expect them is going to be the hardest. Today I went to lunch with a couple of friends and then shopping with one of them. I walked around the stores in a daze and left with one thing, a new pair of slippers that I got for free. I do want to thank everyone for being so kind to me at this very sad time. One day last week I received a package that said, To Rustin and Gage and then on the back said, from a Dewey's Delight Blog Reader, and then a smiley face. I don't know who was so nice to send a package, but thank you very much. I have also gotten some of the nicest cards ever, one from a wonderful friend in Utah, I appreciate everyone who has been mourning with me these last couple of weeks. I know Dad is in a better place and is out of pain. I know he is having some wonderful reunions with his friends and family on the other side. I know someday we will all join him, but until then and until I can finally find acceptance, I'm going to be sad, my Dad's gone.  I wish I could just have one more time to talk to him.  I need some help and some advice but until I go down the same road he went I feel so alone. Hopefully it will get easier as the days pass, until then I hope he's helping me from above.

Dad's Birthday Celeration of His Life

I slept so good last night and was so excited to be able to stay home and get caught up on my housework. I know that sounds stupid, but after the last two weeks of worrying about Dad and then planning a funeral, I just want to get back to normal. As I've looked back on the last week, I realize just how blessed I am. To have the parents that I was born to, and then to be able to have grown up with my wonderful siblings. I was surprised at how well we worked together to pull off the funeral. We all had opinions that were considered and it was a joy to spend some time with them. As we walked into the funeral home to dress Dad for burial, I felt so weird. I asked the man helping us if my feelings were normal. He said, "it is called the funeral fog, everyone has it and it's all part of the grieving process." Whew! I'm not as crazy as I thought maybe I was becoming. When Dad passed away on the 22nd, I started thinking about his birthday. He had planned on having another dose of chemotherapy that day. I hadn't felt good about him doing another round, but both he and my Mom knew that it was the only thing that could stop the cancer from growing. Instead of having chemo, we had a birthday party for him. I can't express my love for all those who supported us through this time of sorrow. He looked so beautiful in his casket. My Mom even mentioned how he looked like he was smiling. It was if I could hear him tell us thank you, over and over again for supporting his decision to be out of pain. Dad was never one to back down from a fight and he took cancer to the very end, living ten years longer than the doctors ever thought. He had faith in his doctors and had the courage to do hard things. My Dad and I were so much alike we banged heads a few times during my life. The most profound thing he ever said to me was when I was around sixteen. We were arguing about some stupid thing and he said, "You know Teri, you are never going to be as smart as you think you are right now." Boy was he right, I feel like I'm getting dumber the older I get. Yesterday when all the family arrived for the funeral it was like a reunion. Most of my cousins were there and some of my friends that I love very much, came to support me. The most talented organist in the church even volunteered to come play, which added so much spirit to the services. We now turn to our Mother who is left behind. She is a woman of faith and has held up so well during all of this. I don't know how families could do something so hard without the help of everyone. I am truly blessed to have been born to this family and into this church. I know the Savior lives and because of his sacrifice I will see my Dad again. I know he has been able to see the Father he never knew and hopefully been able to talk to Kamber. We will all have to pass through the veil to return home to live with those who have gone before, until then I'll just keep working hard to be worthy to join them someday.
 

"The State of the Soul"

What a whirlwind of emotion I've been in these last four days. Just a few more days and I will hopefully be able to get back to normal, whatever that is. On the way down to Hospice last Thursday it felt so strange to be heading on the freeway to be with someone as they pass from this earth. I had only been asleep two hours when we got the call, so I know part of my mood was because of being so tired. I remember telling Rich how weird I felt and that it seemed I was being asked to do a spiritual thing as a mortal being. I can't really explain it but it was something I had never felt before. I have never actually watched someone take their last breath until then. It was interesting to me to see just how fast his coloring and skin changed when he stopped breathing, and I knew his spirit had left his body.  While we were waiting for Bunkers to come pick him up, we were talking about Dad and Len was quoting some scriptures. When we got in the car to come home I asked him to tell me where to find one that I felt was special. It is Alma 40:11-12, which says, "Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection--Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life. And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow." Then the scriptures go on to tell what will happen to those who are evil which doesn't sound very fun. At times I'm so sad that Dad has left us behind, and I've even had a hint of anger that Mom is now left alone for the rest of her life. But I am so happy for him that he is out of pain and is enjoying his state of rest and peace, where all his troubles and sorrows are gone. That's where I want to be.

"I Have Fought a Good Fight"

I wish there was a handbook to follow when someone dies that has been such an influence for good in your life. Sometimes I think I'm having an "out of body" experience and that time stood still for a week and now it's spinning out of control. This morning we went to the mortuary to make the final arrangements for Dad's viewing and funeral next week. My Mom isn't herself and I think she is still in shock, denial, and just plain old heartbroken. Last night when I made my final call to her I asked  how she was doing. I said, "Mom, aren't you relieved that Dad went so fast and is out of pain?" She answered with a soft, "yes, I'm glad he's out of pain but I sure miss my little fellow." It hit me just how devastated she really is. She has been his caretaker for sixty-four years now, feeding him, showering and dressing him and even watching the Diamondbacks games religiously with him. Now she is alone in the house they have been in since 1956. We have offered to have her come live with one of us, and she still may end up over here, but for now she is staying where she is reminded all the time that Dad isn't coming home. When I left Hospice yesterday, a thought kept coming in to my mind. It was driving me crazy that I couldn't find it in my scriptures. So finally this morning early when I woke up, I looked in the Topical Guide of the Bible and found it in 2 Timothy 4:7. It says "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith." When Kamber passed away I kept saying, "I can do hard things" over and over in my mind. Now seven years down the road my new motto is "I have fought a good fight, I have kept the faith." That will keep my Dad's memory alive for me for a long, long, time.

"The Rock of our Redeemer"

After Dad gave us all the talk on Tuesday and told us his wishes to not try and save his life and help get him out of pain, Hospice was called. We waited to hear when a bed would open up so they could move him out of the hospital.  When Ethan called me last night and told me they were getting him ready for transport, I was shocked it had happened so fast. We had planned a family meeting for last night to discuss what to do with Dad, so I stayed home and got caught up on some of my work. We got a call during the meeting telling us they had Dad and were getting him comfortable. I couldn't sleep, praying that the Lord would have mercy on him and our family and make this transition quick and not drag out for days or weeks. At 2:30 a.m. we got a call from Len telling us they had called and said Dad had taken a "turn for the worse." By the time we all got there at 3:00 Dad was wanting Rich and I to sit him up and get his feet on the floor. I asked him where he thought he was going and he didn't know. After we all got there they gave him another dose of Morphine and he started to settle down and relax a little bit. We all sat and watched him start to breath shallower and shallower until he finally took his last breath of air at 5:00 a.m.. After twelve years of battling prostate cancer his fight was over. He left this earth with all his children, his wife, and a dear cousin supporting him to the end. I have been down this road of grief before and I know I'm in the first stage which is denial. My mind is trying to come to grips that my Dad will never walk again on this earth and I won't see him again until I pass through the veil, where I know he will be there to greet me. I know he's with his parents, grandparents and others he so dearly loved and for sure has given Kamber a big hug for us. As we were watching Dad struggle to breath, Len kept coming up with scriptures that seemed to resonated with what we were experiencing. The one that is most special to me is the one Dad recited last night as they were leaving and Len ask him what his favorite scripture was. He said, Helaman 5:12 "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that you must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." I'm so thankful for my testimony of the Savior, I know he lives and answers prayers, I've seen it in my life this last week and hope to build my life upon the rock of our Redeemer, just like Dad did.

Yeterday Was Really Hard

Yesterday was a really hard day, one of many more to come I'm sure. When my SIL Julie and I got to the hospital, Dad was really struggling. My sister had just left and my youngest brother Ben was there visiting. Dad wanted to have the "talk" with us, the talk that every child doesn't want to ever have with their aged parents. He wanted to let us know that he is tired. He is in pain. He doesn't want to prolong his life when he feels so bad. I totally respect that and told him I didn't want him to suffer any more either.  So what's the next step? When Kamber passed away it was sudden, crappy but we knew it was over for her and she was back home in heaven. With Dad there are so many questions, like how much time does he have left and what do we do with him to keep him the most comfortable? When he told the nurses yesterday that he is finished and doesn't want to fight anymore, he started the ball rolling down the hill. A social worker was sent in and then Hospice. I never really knew what Hospice does except that when they are called in it is a death sentence. I got some education yesterday that you can only get when you have someone close to you is terminally ill. So after listening to her, we now need to make some decisions. Dad will stay at the hospital until they have a bed open up in a Hospice Facility. When he is stable and ready to be moved he will go somewhere else, that is where we come in, his family, his wife, kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. I know Dad is most worried about my Mom because he thinks she is in denial, which she is. She kept telling him yesterday that he has to get better so he can come home and mow the yard. This big strong, athletic, righteous, competitive Father of mine has given up on his mortality. Now it's our job to keep him comfortable and give him the dignity he deserves until the end of his life. This is really hard, I hope we are up to the task to honor his wishes and let him go.

The Will of the Savior

My mind has been spinning since last week when Dad was put in the hospital. Yesterday Tristyn played in a volleyball tournament at ASU, so I went to support her and then we went to the hospital to see Dad. When we got there he had several other visitors from his ward and my brother Len, his wife Julie and my niece Aubrey. After everyone left, Mindi and I tried to talk to him to see if we could help him out. He looks swollen and when you ask him how he feels all he says is "awful." The doctors have been busy trying to find out what is wrong with him. Less than two weeks ago he was at my house playing Rook and eating Mexican food and now he's in a hospital bed feeling rotten. We have known Dad is on borrowed time since 2001 when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Without treatment they said he would only live 12 to 18 months, so the fact he has liven this long is a tender mercy for sure. Last night when I couldn't sleep, I was going through all the scenarios of what is going to happen. How can we make room for Mom to come live with us if things don't go well and Dad never comes home from the hospital? I hate this feeling of being between the proverbial "rock and a hard place." I don't want him to suffer and prolong his life when the quality is so bad, but the thought of losing him for the rest of my life hurts, and takes me down that long dark road when we lost Kamber. I do have a testimony of the Savior and know he knows of our concerns and worries. As I talked to Mom on the phone last night, she is so full of faith. She thinks he will get better and come home, but she also knows we aren't in charge and she said, "if the Savior wants him home, then I know the will of God has been done."

Dad's In The Hopsital

I had so much I needed and wanted to get done yesterday. I spent the week picking up all the ingredients to make green corn tamales with a friend of mine who has wanted to learn how to make them for a year now. I got up early and started my day when I got a call from Mom telling me she was in the hospital with my Dad. He has been really sick after having chemotherapy last Wednesday but we were hoping things were turning around for him.  I guess after falling asleep on the couch watching t.v. , she woke up at 1:30 a.m. and Dad was still up watching a show. She tried to get him up out of his chair and in bed, when he decided to just sit down on the floor. She tried for half an hour to get him up when finally he told her to call 911. After the paramedics arrived they decided he needed to go to the hospital, so they took him in an ambulance and one of the firemen drove her truck, parked it and got her into the hospital where they admitted him and started running tests. I hurried and did my tamales and then my sister and I headed over to the hospital. We got there just when they were getting him back in his room from running some tests and neither one of them had eaten a bite of food. I had brought two tamales for Mom but nothing sounded good to Dad to eat. We ordered some food anyway and stayed with them until some other family members came and then we left for home.  The nurse came in before we left and told us that he has a huge blood clot in his right leg and they were starting a heparin drip to dissolve the clot, hopefully preventing it from going to his lungs or heart.  As we were driving home we were talking about all the options we have to take care of our parents. I don't think he is strong enough to take anymore chemo, but without it he will surely die. I'm not so sure that taking it may kill him also. When you get in your sixties and have parents in their eighties you know at any time life can change. Losing Kamber at two years old is proof that we are all on borrowed time anyway. So today I will be going back over to the hospital to support him and hopefully he will be improving and will someday be able to come home. Until then we are just in a waiting game that we knew would happen at some time in our lives.

Same Old Sadness in the New Year

I've been discouraged that the first two weeks of the new year have just been a continuation of the same old crap from last year. At times it is hard to have hope in the future, that maybe things will get better and will work out for my good. My Dad's cancer counts are going up, so his doctor decided a super strength treatment of chemotherapy would be the answer. It has made him so sick, I don't know what will kill him first, the cancer or the treatments. I had a friend who's Dad went in to the hospital for treatment and they kept upping his chemo until it killed him, he never left the hospital. I will never forget that. When I talk to my Mom about it, all she says is that if he doesn't do it, he will die. It's hard getting older and seeing your parents health start declining. I feel stuck between worrying about their health and then the twins and all their little setbacks on the other end of the spectrum. I was thinking the other day that when these babies go on their missions, if they decide to go, I will be almost eighty years old. At the rate I'm going I may be long gone by then anyway, so why worry about something so far in the future that may not even happen? I've been trying to get rid of all my excess junk so we could move Tristyn down into our spare room. All it seems like I've done is just create more messes because I don't have anywhere to put all my extra stuff. Oh well, she will be off to college in another year, so hopefully we can endure until she goes away. Yesterday I had an appointment with a new specialist. He thinks he may be able to help me feel better. That would be nice, I hope it happens but I hate to get my hopes up too high and then it not work out. Anyway, tomorrow I'm going over to help a friend make green corn tamales. She has wanted me to teach her for a long time and finally tomorrow is the day. They are so much work, but so yummy, maybe a big dose of tamales will cheer me up, I can only hope.

Surgery, Chemo and 60th Birthday

I spent a lot of last week going through closets and drawers trying to get rid of all my excess stuff. I figure if I hadn't used it, or worn it in five years it was out of here. I don't know why I hold on to things that I will never use or wear, it makes me crazy. When Spencer and Annie were here going through their stuff I was amazed at how little sentimental value they put on their stuff. I just have a hard time letting go. Last week Rustin was in the hospital having the same surgery Gage had on New Year's day. These poor babies are sure having a rough start to their little lives. During surgery the surgeon discovered a hernia that will need to be fixed later this month. I have to question why a surgeon wouldn't just fix it while he was in there, instead of putting the baby back under again and all the risks that go with that. They are checking Gage to make sure he doesn't have the same hernia problem as the two seem to have the same DNA, which I hope they will test soon to see if they are identical or not. They sure seem to be identical to me, but unless you do the test you don't know for sure.  My Dad went in for Chemotherapy last Wednesday and by Saturday he was so sick he couldn't keep anything down, nor did he want to eat. We all got together for my brother Len's 60th birthday last night and my parents didn't come, so I know he feels rotten. I have often wondered what I would do if put in the same situation. I don't think I would ever be brave enough to let the put poison in my body. When I told my Mom that, all she said was, "if he doesn't do it then he will die." Maybe it's just me but there are worse things than dying, and that's feeling like you are going to, or praying to pass on. At 86 years old I don't know if his body will be able to endure this round of poison, but if he wants to go through it then it's his choice, we will be here to love and support him to the end.

Purging Closets and Rustin's Surgery

I thought the New Year would bring some quiet time and I would be able to catch up on my quilting projects that I've neglected over the last two months. Mindi had other plans, as they decided to move Tristyn back into our spare bedroom that had become the junk and storage area since she moved out last time. Because Spencer and Annie were here, we were able to have them spend a day and go through all the junk they left when they moved to Colorado when he was drafted by the Broncos. Yes, their stuff has moved from their house in Queen Creek, to Mindi's garage, to our spare bedroom and now it's sitting in Ethan's shop ready to be shipped to wherever they decide to live when their home sells in Boston. I am embarrassed to say that I have hoarded clothes for a long time and now that Tristyn needs the closets it has forced me to purge, sending some to DI and some to others who want them. I'm not OCD about my stuff but others in my family are, so I'm trying to get rid of whatever I don't think I'll use. So far it has been a really positive experience and I can't wait to get my stuff organized and hopefully I won't miss all the excesses I have accumulated over the years. This morning as we were working away, I got a call from Ethan saying that now the other twin has the same thing Gage had last week, throwing up and not keeping anything down.  He had an ultrasound today and they sent them straight to the hospital to wait for surgery to take place as soon as possible. We have been wondering if they are identical twins since they have been born. The only way to tell is by a DNA test. Now that Rustin has the same thing, Pyloric Stenosis it just seems they must share the same genetics because they both have the same struggles. Now as a family we are pulling together to help while Jenn and Ethan are in the hospital as this baby has surgery, maybe some day we will win the lottery because with the mounting medical bills we are going to need a miracle to be able pay for all this care. We are so thankful to live in this time with such good medical doctors. These babies would have both died if they were born back in the pioneer times, we are just praying everything goes well with the surgery and he can come home soon.

Hope for the New Year

For the last couple of months I have contemplated not blogging anymore. Sometimes I feel that maybe I share things about me and family that aren't things others should know about us. Maybe that we are human and struggle just like everyone else and we are definitely not a perfect family, far from it. I have decided that I write because it lets me put my feelings and experiences down in a way that in the future I will remember just how blessed we really are, so I will carry on. On Monday morning I got a call from Ethan asking if I could come out and help Jenn with the kids and to take the boys to the doctor. Gage had been throwing up since Saturday night and didn't seem to be able to keep anything down. So I spent the day with her doing laundry and going to the pediatrician. He checked all the boys out and said he thought it was a little bug and to continue doing what she was doing and maybe add a little bit of rice cereal to help him keep his food down. By Tuesday night he was really critical, so we got another call asking for help again, this time to come out and take care of the kids so they could take Gage to the ER at Cardon's Childrens Hospital. Mindi and I didn't sleep more than three or four hours as we were worried and taking care of a four week old whose brother was really sick. By one in the morning I got a call from the hospital saying the baby had Pyloric Stenosis and he would require surgery. So after starving him out all night he went in to surgery yesterday morning to correct the problem. After surgery they started him out with a half ounce of pedialyte to make sure he could keep it down. He has been able to keep everything down they have fed him so far and are waiting for the surgeon to come check on him and release him to go home. This is truly a tender mercy from our Heavenly Father because this is so dangerous the doctors said if not treated is fatal. Jenn listened to the spirit and did what she was prompted to do. After having little sleep, Rich and I were in bed before ten o'clock last night. I heard a bunch of fireworks going off but I was so tired I didn't really care. We have totally turned in to old folks and it's pretty sad. We are just hoping that 2015 is better than the end of 2014.

After Christmas Stupor

I've been in a stupor since Christmas trying to put up all my decorations and get my house back together. Thanks to Spencer who came over on Saturday and pulled all the boxes down and then after we filled them back up he climbed up on the ladder and put them up in my closet. The only thing I have left to do is my tree and I dread taking all the ornaments off. So I am waiting until I get in the mood which will hopefully happen soon. The weather has taken a nosedive and so I've been worrying about my animals and trying to keep everything warm and alive. Another winter blast is coming our way tomorrow, so I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do it when it gets down below freezing at night. I hate the cold and the heat, maybe Hawaii is the place for me, but then I'm surrounded by shark infested water and that scares me too. For Christmas I only wanted two things, neither of which I got. They weren't expensive but just something I wanted to happen. My goal for the New Year is to live in moment and try to see the good in everyone I have a relationship with. I wish I could see others how the Savior does, then it would be so much easier to understand why they are the way they are. I also want to have more compassion on myself and change the things I don't like about myself and accept the things I can't change. it seems like year after year I'm working on the same goals but there never seems to be any change, I wonder if 2015 will be a better year for goal achievement. It was so nice to have all my kids and grandkids here for Christmas. Spencer and his family will be heading back to Boston next week and then when their house sells they will be moving to Montana. He thinks it is so much closer but to me it's still too far, but I know they are inspired to live where they do, so they don't need my blessing to live in Montana, that won't ever happen. Before we opened presents on Christmas morning I had each family stand in front of our tree for a photo. I also had some taken of the grand kids. They were a little bit tired and wild but I'm still glad we did it.

"Next Year Lets Start In November"

Mindi came in this morning and said, "we need to start in November so it isn't like this every year."  Yea, that would be nice but in November we are dealing with pomegranates and Thanksgiving. We had our Turley sisters party last night with all the cousins from my Mom's side there. We had delicious Mexican food, the Nativity with all the children, the reading of Turkey Trot and then the beloved "12 Days of Christmas" Greer style. Then this morning I was up early making my last batch of caramel popcorn to bag and take around with the jelly to our friends and neighbors. The girl that cleans my house is traveling down south for Christmas, so Spencer and Annie we so nice to come over this morning and help me get my house ready for Christmas dinner with the Greer clan tomorrow. Mindi has been out all afternoon doing her last minute shopping and after trying to take a nap, I gave up and decided to start my wrapping and putting the finishing touches on my house. I was having a little bit of a meltdown yesterday and telling my sister the only way out of all this Christmas chaos was to "go to the Light." I think she was worried that maybe I would do something drastic, but I was just venting to her about how bad I do when I'm stressed out. I wonder what it would be like to just go away for Christmas, and sit in a chair and drink hot chocolate for a few days. I guess we always want what we don't or can't have. This year has been another hard one for me in so many ways. Another knee surgery in May and then the usual ups and downs of living this mortal life. Sometimes it gets me down and I wonder how much longer I have to deal with the same things over and over again. I also know that there are many who suffer from far harder trials than I have and feel grateful for my own. Tomorrow will come and go and another Christmas will be in the books, I know I will finally get a good nights sleep and then start taking down all the decorations and get ready for the knew year. I hope everyone I love has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Done Shopping, Yeh!

I don't think I was home longer than an hour all day yesterday. I wanted to get my shopping done so I didn't have to fight the crowds this weekend, I don't do crowds very well. The kids got home early from school so we had babysitters for Trulie. Whew! After going to a few stores and Costco to pick up my pictures, we came home just long enough to feed the animals and get a drink of water. Tayler had a volleyball clinic in Tempe but Ethan was working late. We didn't want Jen to have to load up the twins and take them out in the cold, so Mindi took Tayler and I stayed and helped Jen with the kids. By then it was six in the evening and I was worn out. When Mindi got back, we took the older kids to try and find something for them for Christmas. It's getting harder and harder every year as the kids get older to find something they like. I don't do toys because I think that is Santa and their parents job, so I usually buy pajamas and a warm sweatshirt or coat. This year I also bought a lot of the clothes they wore for our family pictures. As we were walking through the store with Tayler and Kylie, I had flashbacks of shopping for clothes with my own two girls. How can two sisters be so different in personality and looks? Tayler is quite conservative in her dress and likes to wear her mom's clothes, while Kylie is a little more edgy like Candi was. When we left the store I was really tired and ready for bed. The little kids I know don't appreciate clothes, they would rather have something fun to play with, but this is what I do, it's very important to me that my grandchildren look nice when they are in public. I know time is coming when I will just have to do what my parents do and give money for them to shop for something they like.  I won't be here forever, but as long as I have the ability to walk through the stores, I will continue to buy for my grandchildren. That doesn't mean it still isn't hard, but so rewarding.

Finding Great Happiness on the Path

This Christmas Season has been so busy for me I feel like I'm spinning half the time. It seems like as I get older it takes me twice as long to do what I used to get done easily. I spent almost three weeks trying to get my house decorated and we only got our lights put up on our house on Saturday. I was wondering if this would be the first year that didn't happen at all. I've only been out to help Jen with the twins three times, but she is doing so well, I'm so impressed with her. I went out yesterday and sat in the car while she did some grocery shopping. We folded a couple of loads of laundry, fed the babies again and then it was time for me to go home. I understand the wisdom of having babies when you are young because it sure wears me out at sixty-one. In Relief Society on Sunday we had a really good lesson on President Monson's Conference talk this past October. He was talking about how the Savior walked the paths of disappointment, temptation and pain. Sometimes I go to church and wonder why I even bother but this lesson was really touching. Because we have chosen to come to earth and receive a body we are subject to all that comes with this mortal life. I don't think anyone gets out of here without experiencing all of these trials. It got me thinking of all my own disappointments, temptations and pain that I've been through. I have often suffered physical pain but I think the worst kind of pain is emotional, and when Kamber passed away it sent me somewhere dark I hadn't experienced before. At times I still get caught up in a place where I wonder if it's even worth going on. Then I think of my family and all my grandkids and I realize how blessed I really am. This weekend we were able to get together for pictures for the first time in a few years. Working with ten adults and eighteen children isn't easy, but I'm so happy with how they turned out. I need to get some printed for Christmas cards but Mindi and I both took our cameras and got some fun pictures of our posterity. In the talk President Monson says, "While we will find the path bitter sorrow, we can also find great happiness." I'm so thankful that sometimes I do have glimpses of great happiness as I walk this path called LIFE.

Am I Too Old For A Calling Yet?

This month is going by so fast I can't believe it's two weeks from Christmas Eve. I spent most of yesterday working on the Relief Society Christmas Dinner. We decorated from ten until noon and then had to be back to the church by 6:15 p.m.. Mindi and a couple of her kids have been sick this week, so I was on my own making four batches of funeral potatoes. It took me an hour to get them all mixed up and then another hour to bake them. While they were cooking, I got ready and fed all the critters, it made for a crazy day. The dinner was delicious and we had a fun little program and then the clean up began. It's just a good thing we had about ten sisters helping and Rich even put all the tables away and mopped the kitchen floor for us or we would still be there. I was so tired when I got home that when I finally got settled in to bed I had a painful charley horse in the back of my leg. I finally jumped up and went to the kitchen a got an ice pack and the pain finally went away. I've been wondering all morning if there comes a time when you are too old and out of shape to have a calling? Especially, decorating the church building. Now the clean up begins in my own house with all the dishes from my potato making extravaganza. We are going to try and have family pictures taken this weekend when Spencer, Annie and their kids get here. Trying to coordinate clothes for ten adults and eighteen kids has been my main concern for the last couple of weeks. It's been a long time since we've all been together, so hopefully it will work out. The weather is going to take a turn and be cold and rainy, but that makes it even feel more like Christmas to me. I want to just go in my sewing room and start a new quilt, but I've made a promise to myself that until the three I have waiting to be finished are done, NO more projects started. Plus, I need to do some organizing of all my material so I can find what I want to start working on in the new year, which is coming really fast.

Why Are The Holidays So Chaotic?

Yesterday morning I got a call from Ethan asking if I was ready to babysit. I said, "sure", and then hurried around getting everything I could done so I could spend some time with the kids. Now that the twins are two weeks old I think they are probably waking up and realizing how hungry they are, so Jen was up all night trying to get them settled. I remember how tired I was when I had one baby, so I can't imagine trying to soothe two at the same time. I knew Mindi and I needed to run a few errands but before that I went out and let Trulie, Max and Reagan jump on the trampoline and slide down the slide. We are lucky to be having a really mild fall and the sun felt good while I sat on the chair and watched the kids play. We are feeding the missionaries tomorrow so I needed to get some meat at the store so off we went with the kids to Bashas'. Trulie likes to go to Kiddy Kare so she took her little cousins in while we shopped. I've been so busy this week trying to get some things ready for our family pictures next week and do some Christmas shopping, I'm worn out. Every year I think it just doesn't seem right for life to be so chaotic around the holidays. Are there some people who just relax and not stress out about gifts and decorating? I wish I could just be happy with the blessings I have and not worry about all the fluff. Every week I have a countdown of things that need to be done and it's nice to cross them off the list. Next week we have the Relief Society and Ward Christmas parties, plus Spencer and Annie will be traveling home next Saturday. It's been way too long since I've seen the Boston Larsens so that will be a happy day. I have hardly seen Rich this week, he's busy trying to get five jobs done in one week. He is an eternal optimist and thinks he's Superman, but we both can tell how much age affects our productivity. I still have two trees to put ornaments on and my house to clean so I better get busy.

A Fun Day With Jen and the Kids

Yesterday I went out to spend the day with Jen out at her house. Ethan had asked me if I could go help her because she had a few errands to run and needed help. We fed and burped babies, ran to Walmart, came home, fed and burped the babies again. It's been a long time since I've fed a newborn and I was amazed at how natural it felt to me. I did get a little confused wondering which of the twins I was feeding and I even think Jen has a hard time keeping them straight. She had to take the babies to have their newborn screenings, so I stayed home with Max and Reagan and tried to stay awake while they watched a movie. I need to take a nap in the afternoon and I'm not usually babysitting kids, they were still alive when Jen got home. Whew! We waited for Brookie and Kylie to get home from school and then we headed over to Kohls to shop for clothes for our family pictures that hopefully will happen when Spencer and Annie get here next week. When I finally got home around six last night I was so tired. I can see the wisdom in having children when you are young because this old grandma couldn't handle newborns, toddlers and teenagers all at the same time. As I was getting ready to leave Brookie said, "Grandma, are you going to be in Heaven when I am older?" It took me by surprise and I didn't know quite how to answer her. I said, "I hope I'm still around when you get older, I want to be there when you get baptized." I could tell she was trying to figure out when she would be eight years old. I must look really old for her to ask me when I'm going to heaven. I then told her that we never know when we will be going to heaven, every day could be that day. Today is going to be a busy one as I try and catch up on my work but it sure was fun being around the younger generation, I was in bed asleep at 9:30, that's just how old this grandma is.

The Best Gift We Have Been Given

We had a really nice Thanksgiving Day. This is the year that my siblings went to their in-laws so the stress was way less for me. Mindi even commented on how nice it was. With the stress of the birth of the twins the weekend before, I was relieved we would have such a small group. I got a small turkey and it tasted really good even though I really don't like turkey much, it tasted good. My Mom and Dad, Mindi and Candi and their families were the only ones we had for dinner and then my sister and her son came by for pie later in the evening. It was also Reagan's birthday so after everyone left we headed out to Ethan's to celebrate her birthday and hold the twins. They are so cute and it's nice Gage got home from the hospital on Wednesday night so he was home for turkey day. As soon as we got home from Ethan's I started taking all my decorations down. I then started putting up Christmas decorations because I'm on call now to go help Jenn if she needs me. Her Mom took a week off from work to help them last week, so now it's up to me for moral support. Life is busy and I'm sure it's going to get more chaotic before Christmas but I love the holiday music and the feelings I get when I see the lights and think of the birth of the Savior, which is the best gift we have been given.

Lots of Things to Be Thankful For

It's nothing like Thanksgiving to bring out all the nostalgic feelings in me. This is the year that everyone goes to their in-laws, so it's kind of been nice, less stress for me. With the twins being born and Rich sick, that's a good thing. Rich was in Boston all last week helping Spencer install his new kitchen. Ethan built the cabinets and had them shipped back east. Rich had to do the install because we couldn't take the chance of Ethan missing the birth of the twins. When Rich got home on Saturday night I could tell he wasn't feeling well. By Sunday night he was really sick but hopefully he's on the mend tonight.  I read an article the other day that was "22 things unhappy people do." I wasn't surprised that I do almost all of them. They were stuff like thinking negative thoughts, holding grudges, living in the past, not being able to forgive and looking too far into the future and not living in the moment. Dang, how do you change who you are? How do you stop worrying about your kids and grandkids and wondering when the next trial will come your way? Anyway, I have so much to be thankful for. I just got word they are picking up Gage from the hospital, he was suppose to go home tomorrow but he's doing so well they are kicking him out tonight. Ethan and Jenn will need some extra prayers tonight as they deal with two babies in the night. Tomorrow will be a quiet day with just my parents and Mindi and Candi and their families coming for dinner. Some of the cousins may be coming over for pie later and then we are going out to Ethan's for Regan's birthday. Then it's twenty-seven days until Christmas, EEK!

The Twins Are Born

This has been a hard week with Rich in Boston helping Spencer and me here sleeping alone and worrying about the twins. Last night as I was talking to Jen and Ethan on the phone she was telling me about her day. She had some pretty strong contractions and back labor. She had been to the doctor on Thursday and told her she was ready and that he didn't want her to labor at home because she needed to have two doses of antibiotic for Strep B and since these are her 7th and 8th babies she should go fast. I suggested they just go to the hospital and get checked out to see if she had progressed at all with the pains she had. She got there at around 11:00 p.m. and they decided to keep her. She was at a seven dilation and was having contractions so they started her medication. I think I only got around three or four hours of sleep between my insomnia and worrying all night. Dr. Huish came in this morning and broke her water and she had an epidural and they were born this morning. The first baby was delivered head first but they had a problem with baby b, he was born breech and is having a hard time with his breathing, so he is in the nursery at the hospital while they watch him for a couple of days. We will be saying extra prayers for him until he can go home with his family. Rich is on route as we speak coming home and I'm excited that maybe with him home I'll be able to get the sleep I've been deprived of all week. We are certainly blessed that Jen was able to hold these precious babies in for 37 weeks and they are beautiful, I can't wait to hold baby b. Their names are Rustin Leonard and Gage Richard, and they were 7 lbs. 4 oz. and 8 pounds, and both were 21 inches long. Jen is a real trooper and I'm sure she's glad this is over and they are here safe. Today is my parents 64th wedding anniversary so what a memorable day for their birth.

Jelly Done, Yea!

I just finished the last two batches of jelly from this years harvest of pomegranates. Whew! What a relief until next year, it's such a good feeling. Yesterday was my Moms 85th birthday. We had planned a family ice cream sundae extravaganza for her on Sunday night, but that ended up not happening. My parents live in Scottsdale and because of the Ironman Competition they drove around for forty-five minutes trying to find a way to get across the roads to come to my house. Poor Mom was a nervous wreck wandering around the Reservation trying to get across. So yesterday both my brothers went to see her and my sister and I are taking her to dinner tomorrow night. Sometimes in life things just don't work out the way we think they should. We won't be planning a family party when that's going on again, that's for sure. Who would think you couldn't go anywhere all day because the roads were all blocked off until 6:00 p.m.? And by then she was too upset to come that late. Rich is still in Boston working on Spencer's kitchen. I think it's really going to be beautiful and I hope he appreciates Rich taking a week away from his business to help him. We'll see what kind of problems he will have to deal with next week when he gets home. I've had such a hard time sleeping that finally last night I put some essential oils on and drank some calming herbal tea. It helped a little bit and I slept until 4:00 a.m., so that's better than the last three nights. Jenn was having a few contractions yesterday and goes to the doctor tomorrow, it shouldn't be too much longer, but everyday she keeps them in the better it will be for them. I know she is miserable, I started taking castor oil when I got so miserable I wanted to hurt myself, so I can just imagine how hard it is to have two babies in there. She still looks great and is dealing better than I would. When they get here she is really going to be busy, tired and still miserable.

Still No Babies

This morning I woke up at 5 a.m. and knew I had no chance of going back to sleep. Rich left Friday night late and took a red eye to Boston to help Spencer install his new kitchen. I hate being alone at night, I'm not anxious like I used to be, I just don't ever get into that really deep sleep that makes me feel rested. So by 8:30 this morning I had already washed my sheets, unloaded my dishwasher, fed the dogs and made two batches of jelly. When my Mom called and asked what I was doing, she was so proud of all my accomplishments so early in the morning. Even at 85 she's a "go getter" and can work circles around me still. Yesterday for church we attended the Phoenix Temple Dedication. Dave went in the morning so he could watch Trulie, then Mindi and I took all the rest of the kids in the afternoon. I have to say I think this was one of the best meetings I have been to. The music was beautiful and the talks and prayer were inspiring. Sometimes when I'm down on myself I don't feel worthy to attend the Temple, but these speakers made me realize the importance of the Temples to our happiness. Jenn hasn't had any contractions and hopefully she can survive this pregnancy and delivery of these babies. I'm getting so excited to see what they look like and hold them. Ethan and Dave are running the business while Rich is out of town, so now we have put the "having the babies" on the back burner until the weekend and Rich gets home. Now I need to go take a little nap so I have enough energy to get some more projects done tonight, six more nights of sleeping alone, I can do it.

Spinning My Wheels

Some weeks I just don't feel that productive. I have so much that I want to do and that needs to be done, but sometimes I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. It's been a week already since we juiced all our fruit. I've made four or five batches of jelly and haven't put a dent in my bounteous harvest yet. Yesterday Mindi and I watched Jenn's kids while she went to the doctor. We were hoping she would have these babies by now, but bless her heart she is still hanging in there. As I get older it seems easier to have empathy with people who are struggling because you know where they are. I've never had twins, but I did have an almost ten pound baby and I thought I was going to die. This morning I went to the dermatologist to have two moles cut off my face and arm. I swear if you want to feel young, and beautiful hang out at the dermatologists office because most everyone there was over seventy. I asked the doctor why so many old people have skin issues. He said it was because as we age our immune system gets weaker and that causes lots of skin problems. There's another thing to have to worry about in the next few years. Next week is Mom's 85th birthday so we are all getting together on Sunday night after the Temple Dedication. Then this year everyone is going somewhere else for Thanksgiving so it will just be a few of us getting together to eat. Hopefully we will have the twins here before then but if not the doctor is going to induce her on the Friday after Thanksgiving. So basically we are on baby watch for the next couple of weeks and hoping for a phone call that says they are on their way to the hospital. Until then I guess I'll just keep spinning my wheels.

Juicing Done, Jelly Making Started

Friday morning I was up early trying to get everything ready for our juicing day. It is such a production that I sometimes wonder why I got involved in this tradition. My Aunt Tenna passed this on to us, she had the trees and the juice and taught my Mom and Dad how to do it. This year we were smart. We only picked my friend Sandy's trees and mine. We had a good crew here to help and we were finished by 4:00 in the afternoon. I asked Mindi several times if she was sure that was all the fruit and the answer was always yes. On Friday night when I went out to feed the animals I found a wheel barrow half way full of pomegranates. Dang, that meant I was on my own Saturday morning, where I spent another couple of hours by myself cutting, juicing, straining and cleaning up. It seems like every year it gets harder and harder to do it. My poor parents who at 85 years-old stayed until the very end. They are such an example of hard work and dedication. This was a weird year because none of the younger generation came to help. Usually we have a few of my nieces and daughter-in-laws come and help but Mindi was the only representative of that age group. She is always so good to help her parents and grandparents when the need is there. Trulie played outside for awhile but wanted to go in and watch cartoons. When Mindi went in to check on her, she had poured eight plastic water bottles on the rug in her family room. I don't know if Mindi will live through that girl, she is hard! Now the fun begins as I make jelly from the juice. I'm not making that much this year because when I went in my pantry to pull out all my canning stuff, I found 20 jars of jelly I never gave away from last year. What a waste to throw it away, not only the juice and sugar but also all the time it took me to make it. Oh well, this year I'm going to make sure I give most of it away so it doesn't end up in the garbage.

Voleyball Over, Juicing Begins

It seems like another week when I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. I have lots to do but not enough energy to get things done. Trisyn's last volleyball game was Tuesday night and they lost, so her season is over. We've picked most of the fruit, except three trees in my backyard I will work on tonight before we start juicing tomorrow. I just got home from exchanging a double stroller for the twins that we bought for the shower. When we got it home we realized that the car seats weren't included, so it took two hours and another $200 to get that straightened out. Then we stopped at the Relief Society pot luck luncheon at Kelli's house which is always fun and yummy. Lately there have been some things that have happened that make me question what's going on in the world. It seems like the older I get the more disenchanted I become by the actions of others around me. I heard once in a Conference talk something to the affect that you can tell the relationship someone has with Christ by the way they treat others. I don't know why that's been running through my mind so much, I guess just because of some of the things I hear and see around me. In a talk in the Priesthood Session by President Uchtdorf he said, "I'm not sure why we are able to diagnose and recommend remedies for other people's ills so well, while we often have difficulty seeing our own." It is hard for us mortals to realize what we do and say affects the self esteem and happiness of those around us. I try and be a good person but there are times that those "not so nice" parts of me come alive, I guess all you can do is just keep trying. Tomorrow we will get together for a juice fest and hopefully we can get them done before dark. It gets harder every year and the older we get the slower we get and the longer it takes for us to get it done. It is fun getting together and doing something hard, we never know when this year will be the last we have the two 85 year-olds with us, so I'm not complaining about this project, not me not ever.

The Best Family Ever

The weekends seem to go by so fast. I wonder how I'm going to get everything done I need to. Friday I finished the quilts for the babies and took some pictures outside on our swing. On Saturday we had a little family shower at Sassy's, a cute little place in Mesa. I took my camera hoping to get some nice pictures but when I went to download them to the computer this morning there was nothing, nada, not one picture. I don't know what happened, hopefully I can figure it out so it doesn't happen again. Jenn got some nice things and the family all pitched in to buy her a twin stroller. I have the best family. This morning I got a call from my dear cousin asking me if Jenn needed more help and if she did to call her. Who does that? Yesterday Rich and I attended the Regional Conference from Salt Lake that all the members in Arizona listened too. I loved the talks and felt they were meant for me. I even took some notes because I wanted to remember what was said. The first talk was about how we need to have an eternal perspective everyday. That is so hard for me when dealing with health and family issues that seem to never end. He gave four simple truths about our lives. They are, (1) We are children of God. (2) Life has an eternal purpose, (3) God has a plan for me, (4) Progression is eternal. When I look back at some of the trials I've had, at times I wasn't thinking about the eternal perspective, that these trials are just a part of life, and they help me learn about me. The speaker said, "Trust in the Lord and his plan for you." It seems like so many things are out of my control that the only thing I can work on controlling is my own thoughts and actions. This week is another busy week  as we are picking and juicing pomegranates. Hopefully the kids can help this year because all of us senior citizens aren't strong enough to carry the heavy loads of fruit. It is a special time though and we have lots of fun when getting together and working. I have the best family.

Grandma's Birthday and Halloween

 I was feeling a little bit nostalgic this morning so I decided I would try and find some pictures of my kids on Halloween. I pulled two boxes full of pictures out and started looking. After spending a couple of hours I gave up. I found report cards, achievement certificates and pictures of everything else. I even found my diploma from ASU, but the  only pictures I found was one of Candi as a clown and one Trick or Treating at one of my dear friend Leonore's house. This one was specials because Leonore passed away this past summer. Today is a special day because it's my Grandma Fern's birthday. She was one of the kindest people I have ever known and one of the "Great Ones" in my life. I did find her funeral program that I've kept since she passed away in 1974 while I was a student at BYU. As I read over the program I saw that she was born in 1898 and passed away one month shy of her 76th birthday. I'm surprised that of all the kids and grandkids born, I don't think there is one that was born on Oct.31st. The baby I miscarried was due around that time, so I always think about her and the chance that I might have had a baby on her birthday. We are having a little family shower for Jenn tomorrow so I've been busy getting the quilts done for the twins. It is an exciting time for our family having two babies born at the same time is something I never imagined would happen to me. I know it is hard carrying two big babies but what a blessing to know they are healthy and growing normally. These next two weeks will be really important to ensure they get here safely, so extra prayers are being said for them. Tristyn just came home from school looking for a costume to wear to volleyball practice. All we could think of was the costume Candi got for me a few years ago. It fit her perfectly so I had to get a picture of her before she left. If I can't find any of my kids I guess I'll have to post some of the grandkids. Happy Halloween to everyone, tomorrow is November thank heavens.