"Cheer Up, Things Could Be Worse"

I wrote a post the other day and my computer froze up. It didn't matter what I did I couldn't get it to work. After shutting it down and reading what I wrote I decided it was too dark to publish. I don't know if I'm post partum, post menopausal or just plain post hip replacement. I've been struggling with constant pain for a long time now and it's beginning to cloud my outlook on life. It's not like I have a great love of life, but constant pain definitely makes me a little irritable and out of sorts. Spencer and Annie got here from Colorado, Candi and B.J. got back from the beach and Rich got home from Utah, where he spent three days with his sister going through his Mother's earthly possessions. I stayed here and tried to help Mindi, but sometimes feel I'm not much help. We had everyone over for dinner on Sunday, the first time I've had all my kids and grand kids together for a long time. Rich and I feel so blessed with our posterity but at times feel undeserving. This mortal life seems to have a way of trying to humble me but it seems like I just keep getting more and more bitter. I have such a hard time forgiving those hurts that I have gone through. I still suffer daily with the sadness of losing Kamber. Why can't I have faith that the past is what was meant to be? Spencer has offered to take me back to Colorado to get out of the heat and enjoy watching him play football, but when it's hard to even walk that doesn't sound fun either. I feel stuck between what I want to be doing and what I need to be doing. I have been told by professionals that I'm a very paradoxical person. That means I feel the absolute opposite about the same thing. It's confusing to live in a body where there is conflict everywhere. I was talking to my swimming friend about it the other day how life keeps getting more complicated as we age and how it would be so fun to be young again. Boy would we do things so much differently. I guess that isn't going to happen so I need to cheer up because my Dad always told me the little saying, "someone told me to cheer up, things could be worse, so I cheered up and sure enough things got worse."