STILL Loving Life

I'm having one of those weeks, okay months, I mean years. Mindi and I spent two days shopping and cleaning getting ready for a baby shower today for a friend of ours in the ward. We got all the invites out and food assigned and then she called last night to say her water broke and she was on her way to the hospital. I had worked through the pain I was suffering from, this time on the other side of my back and into my knee and hip. I woke up at 3:00 a.m. this morning and as I was shuffling back to bed the thought came to my mind, "is this all really worth it?" Rich has been killing himself on a job that has to be done this weekend. I don't know why he gets these clients that think he is Superman. They plan a Grand Opening of a business when it will be impossible to get all the work done. Don't get me started on that! I know I have complained for almost 34 years about his workaholism, but neither one of us came from rich families so everything we have is because of his hard work. As we were getting ready for bed last night he looked so tired. I told him I thought we should just sell everything and go up to Eager and live in the cabin for the summer. He thought that sounded like a good idea but not realistic. So at 5 a.m. I'm still trying to make sense of living in a house that is too big, too expensive, and way to much work for us to keep up. Not even to mention the animals and all the ponds and water features I have to keep running. I was just drifting back to sleep when I felt a stinging on the back of my leg. I jumped out of bed, said a naughty word, turned the light on and sat in the chair next to my bed. Rich was just walking in the room and asked me what was wrong. I said, "I think I just got stung by a scorpion." If you've been stung once you immediately know when it happens again. He helped me strip the bed because I know the little critter is lurking somewhere in the sheets or blankets and I will find the little devil and kill it. So what I thought was going to be a fun day entertaining and eating some delicious food will be spent lying on the couch with ice on my leg watching Dr. Phil and Glenn Beck. Sounds dreamy huh?

Going out of my comfort zone!

This week is going to be crazy busy for me. Between a baby shower, conference and two birthdays, not to mention my usual quilt making it should go by super fast. I am so thankful that the pain in my back is better, you really don't realize how much you use your back until it hurts like He%*! My hip is still talking to me but I will take that over back pain any day. Church was so good yesterday. It seems like lately the talks all seem to hit home for me. Most of them were on how to create happiness in the family, telling your family you love them, and being slow to anger. Wow, my three worst characteristics, especially the saying the "I love You, " and you can't forget my sometimes easy to anger problem. Last Friday night I had the privilege to go with Rich to a single adult dinner party. I didn't know I was going until the leaders called us at 7:15 p.m. that night and asked where we were. Rich is over the adult singles in our stake as part of his high council assignments, so we threw clothes on and went. It ended up being so much fun. There were a few people I knew, no one from our ward showed up, but I was amazed at the spirit I felt there. After the delicious dinner of ham, potatoes, rolls, salad and a wonderful peanut butter dessert, we played chicken foot with dominoes. I had never played that game before but it sure was fun. I won the last game but had the highest score so I really lost bad. As we were visiting with some of the people at our table I would ask about their families and what they did for a job. Most of the women were single mothers raising kids by themselves. Two of the sisters who I asked how they were making it without a job said, "the Lord has been really good to me and I have been able to survive." I was so impressed with these wonderful mothers who probably through no fault of their own were alone raising their children. It made me feel very ungrateful as I listened to their testimonies. I shared with them our story of losing our precious grand daughter to an accidental drowning and how hard that was to endure. They seemed so sympathetic towards us. It just made me realize that we are all going through something very hard, LIFE. We didn't leave until almost 11:00 p.m., which is late for us after a long busy week. After we said our prayers and tried to go to sleep I kept going over the evening and thinking about all those people who I had never met but who I now felt were my friends. I admired them for going out of their comfort zones and spending a Friday night with others who maybe they wouldn't associate with otherwise. It made me a better person by doing something that was hard for me to do. Going into a strange house with people I didn't know was uncomfortable, but I am so glad I went, it was a wonderful experience.

What if we could see the trials of others?

Wow, what a difference a couple of weeks has made. I am almost pain free, which is a miracle considering I was wishing for some divine intervention just a few short days, I mean hours ago. I don't know if it was the compassionate chiropractor, the priesthood blessing, constant prayers or a combination of all the above, but whatever it was I am thankful. Today Mindi took me to the chiropractor but he had six people waiting for him so I decided to wait and go back this afternoon. As we left this morning we ran in to Jenn and her sister Becky who were going to the Ribbons and Lace place. Mindi needed to go there to pick up some clips for her darling flowers she is making, so we followed them in. As we were parking Jenn was pushing Brookie in the stroller into the store. She looked so cute with her little baby bump, (yes it is a boy after four girls), and she is always so sweet. As they went in the store, I stayed in the car with Troy who doesn't do well shopping, especially for hair accessories, I thought of how strong Jenn is. How much I love and admire her. How by looking at her you would never know the HELL she has been through. I admire all the mothers who have lost children. I remember as a young child hearing my Mom talk about my Aunt Sue Turley. Her firstborn daughter Cinda was stillborn. She would have been a year younger than me. Being a child I remember looking at the pictures they took of her and how perfect she looked. I can still remember feeling sad. I know I didn't know quite the enormity of the loss. I had four healthy pregnancies and then when Spencer was two I had a miscarriage. After that my life took a turn for the worse. I don't know why it affected me so much but something drastically changed in my life. Anyway, I remember after Kamber drowned I was standing in Hobby Lobby and being in a daze. I looked at the lady in front of me and wanted to scream "you don't know how sad I am right now, my grand daughter just passed away!" Luckily I didn't because they probably would have taken me straight to the nut house. As I was just outside feeding my animals I loved feeling the breeze in my face and smelling the orange blossoms. A thought came to me. Wouldn't it be weird if we could tell from looking in people's eyes what trials they have been through or what they are going through now. Maybe it would be, the loss of a child, breakup of a marriage, problems with teenagers, suffering from cancer or a serious illness. Maybe we would have more compassion if we could actually see what they were dealing with. This made me decide that I am going to just assume that everyone I see is going through something and try to be a kinder more understanding person.

Trying to Love Life, Trials and All

This has been a brutal couple of weeks, but hopefully I'm on the mend. It was good to get out of the house the last couple of days and run some errands. Mindi and I went to Target today to look for something for Brookie and Ethan's birthdays, okay, I lied, we went to get some Easter candy to fill our cute dishes. Anyway, it is hard for me to get out of the car and start walking. Once I'm up and going it gets better but I have a slow start that's for sure. I had Mindi go over to get a basket so I had something to hang on to. A guy in a truck stopped and waited for us to limp on across the street. Mindi said, "boy we must look really pathetic the two of us hobbling along." She pulled the muscle in her calf last week playing volleyball. I have decided that if I ever get sick enough to be bedridden I just want to go see Kamber. I would hate being confined to a bed and be in such pain that every time I moved it was excruciating. I guess we don't get to pick when and how we will die, but I hope it is fast and not just wasting away. As everyone knows I love animals and have my fair share. I bought a huge rabbit last summer called a Flemish Giant that I gave away to a friend. Well, she had babies and so my friend gave me two of the babies back. The Mom ended up dying of pneumonia a couple of weeks ago when we had all the rain, so I have felt pretty good about these two still being alive. The dogs haven't even gotten in to kill them yet. I had been noticing when I went out to feed them that they were digging a huge hole. I even took a shovel in the pen and kept trying to fill them up. I finally gave up because it was a new hole everyday. Well yesterday I went out to feed my herd and found my grey rabbit lying in the hole. He was barely alive so I knelt down, even with my sore back and picked him up. He gave out a loud groan and went limp. I found a huge piece of dirt on the back of his head so I guess when he was digging the hole collapsed on him. I am not having very good luck with my animals lately. Rich dug a hole this morning and buried him for me. While I've been down in pain I have been reading a lot. I printed off some of Elder Wirthlin's talks and have enjoyed them. I wish I could have known him and been able to talk to him when he was alive. He was a really good football player and wanted to play in college, but his father felt like he should serve a mission so instead of staying home and attending college and playing football he ended up going to the German-Austrian and the Swiss-Austrian Missions from 1937-1939. His last conference talk he gave before he passed away was entitled "Come What May and Love It." In this talk he explains that the title came from the advice his mother gave him when he was upset over a football game he'd lost. It then goes on to explain different ways that we can cope with life's hardships and trials. I remember when he gave it I kept thinking how much I needed his words of encouragement. Another one of his suggestions is to learn to laugh at mishaps instead of getting angry. He says that this will lengthen our lives and make the lives of others around us more pleasant. Boy could I use a good laugh right now.

I'm So Smelly!

I am still trying to ease the pain in my back and hoping I will soon be back to my normal activities. I am sad to say that Mindi just left to go to Hobby Lobby, the grocery store and Wal Mart without me. I should be thankful for that! Anyway, I was recently told by someone close to me that I am a hypocrite. First of all I am well aware of my many faults. I remember a Bishop once said that if we could smell our sins we wouldn't be able to be around each other. I feel like I'm in that category. I have been hurt by this comment but it has given me a reason to reflect on my life and try to correct some of my bad qualities. I remember as a teenager arguing with my Dad. We were so much a like that I know I drove him crazy. He could see himself in me and wanted to keep me from making the same mistakes he did. During one argument he said, "Teri, you will never be as smart as you think you are right now." Wow! was he right, the older I get the more I realize how truly clueless I am. As we both have matured and I have had children of my own, he has told me many times that he wishes he could go back and raise me again, that he would do it different this time. Rich and I were talking the other day about his dysfunctional childhood and the struggles he had. How when we were raising our kids he wished that he had done things different and better. I reminded him that I feel like we did the best we could at that time. It is hard being the parent of young children, being responsible for everything they need both physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I think that MOST parents do their very best to raise good kids with all that they must overcome from their own childhoods. As a parent and a grandparent I know I should be a better example. I try to be helpful and kind but I am just a mortal person with all the broken and flawed parts as everyone else. I feel at times that we can see the faults in everyone else but fail to see our own huge flaws. I know when I judge others and find faults in those around me, it just comes back to bite me on the behind. I will continue to work on my hypocrisy and hopefully someday I will overcome that huge flaw in my character.

Praying for pain relief

This has been a really hard week for me. I somehow hurt my back last Saturday and I've spent all week at the chiropractor, on a heating pad or lying on ice. Sometimes I think it's getting better and I will do too much and then the next day I'm down again. Last night I was up from 2:00 - 5 a.m. in such pain all I could do was pray. I guess I need to be desperate before I plead for some help. I have been thinking all week about an incident that happened last year. As I have talked about a lot Kamber passed away in July of 2008. On Feb. 10, 2009 she should have turned 3 years old. I remember how sad I was. I had been crying almost all morning. We were going to have a birthday party starting at the cemetery for a darling little girl who had gone HOME and I was trying to pull myself together. Anyway, I walked out to get the mail and we had a note from some dear friends in our ward. In it was a sweet note and a quote by Elder Wirthlin. It said, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." The note inside said, "We hope you will get some comfort from this." I can not tell you how many times that quote has gone through my head. As we got the news that both Jenn and Annie are pregnant with two more grandchildren I thought, maybe this is one of those "compensations for our loss." Maybe it isn't but I think when you go through a life changing trial it does change who you are and how you think about things. I realize that no one is exempt from trials and sadness while in this mortal life, and I am desperately trying to look at the eternal aspect of life instead of this short mortal experience. I think the key word in that quote is "faithful". I hope as a family we are working harder every day to be more faithful in living the gospel and keeping the commandments so we can be given those hundredfold blessings that have been promised to all who have suffered loss.

It's a Beautiful Life

Where has the week gone? It seems like spring break has gone by way to fast. I guess because we have been so busy it makes the days seem shorter. The weather has been beautiful. It has been in the 80's with the warm days and the cool breezy nights. We really need to take advantage of these nice days because we all know what is just around the corner. Mindi's kids have been begging to go swimming, and she has even threatened Trace that if he didn't stop asking she was going to make him go into the pool and clean it. The water is still in the 60's so I know he wouldn't enjoy that swim. Anyway, the last two weeks in Relief Society the lessons have been on: 1) keeping a journal and reading your patriarchal blessing, and 2) enjoying the beauty of all God's creations around us. Tonight as I went out to feed the animals and turn on the lights I couldn't believe how pretty it was around me. We have almost two acres of fruit trees and roses around the pool that are all starting to blossom. I came in and got the camera, (I am not a photographer) but I couldn't help to see if I could capture my feelings about my little corner of Heaven. I then went out in front to see if I could take a picture of the front of my house with all the flowers Rich planted in the fall. With all the rain they have really gotten big and the colors are so pretty. I noticed that my plants were looking a little bit wilted so I turned on the hose and went down the porch giving each plant a drink. Most of the plants on the porch were given to us from friends when Kamber passed away 20 months ago. I can still remember who gave us what plant and think about their kindness every time I water them. We have planted flowers in her memory every fall and when I see these beautiful flowers, especially the purple ones I think about her. I hope she knows how much we love and miss her. I think she will give her baby brother a pep talk and a big kiss before he comes to Ethan and Jenn. I know I spend way too much time and energy worrying about the future, finances, my diet, and my physical and emotional pain. I need to take more time to just enjoy the beauty around me and all my blessings. Mindi thinks I blog too much but to me this is my journal. This is my life. The blessings and the trials. Life can be brutal, but it also can be beautiful.

Answer To Prayers

Spencer at his birthday party showing off his nasty bruise.

As I have talked about before when I was growing up in the 50's and 60's we either did school, church or sports. My sister and I were decent athletes and so were my brothers. I played fast pitch softball and volleyball, then went on to play softball and volleyball in high school and college. I loved to play sports therefore I went into P.E. as my major and graduated from ASU right after I had Mindi in 1977. My kids have all done really well in sports with three of them getting scholarships to college to play either football or volleyball. They still all love to exercise, work out, or play in church or city league. I just can not get into the work out stuff. I could play a game all day long, but walking on a treadmill or lifting weights just isn't fun for me, and it shows! Anyway, two weeks ago while Spencer was working out with his trainers they had him lifting 474 pounds on the bench press. Now I know NOTHING about weight lifting, I'm lucky to be able to do 3 pounds when I'm doing my arms, so to me over 400 pounds seems like a huge amount for a person to lift. As he would tell me later as he lifted the bar it sounded like his shirt had ripped open. He then knew something wasn't right and his arm began to bruise and swell. To say that Annie and I were upset is an understatement. We both bore our testimony on how this is the off-season and they don't expect you to kill yourself two weeks before you report to the Broncos. Spencer came over and Rich and Dave gave him a blessing and I called my parents to have his name put on the prayer roll in the Temple. We prayed for him every day and even called a few doctor friends to see if we should get him in to get a MRI. We have asked family and friends to pray for him and hoped for the best. Anyway, when he reported to his team in Denver they had physicals. He told them about his little accident lifting weights and they said they weren't mad, (it's not like he was out snowboarding or something stupid like that), but they did want to get him into the doctor and get a MRI. He called yesterday and said that the test came back negative, that the muscle is just swollen and he should be okay within a couple of weeks. I feel like our prayers have been answered and the injury could have been way worse. Now I know why I don't exercise, I'm just keeping myself safe from getting hurt. ha ha

Just trying to help

Today has been one of the days. It started out as the first day of spring break. Spring break to the Larsens really means "spring cleaning." I felt pretty rested so I began doing what I do every morning, making my bed, feeding the animals and starting the laundry. I decided that my two aquariums looked pretty nasty so I started draining the water and cleaning them out. I then decided to go out and feed my chickens and rabbits and while I was out there cleaning out a pump in my pond I heard my dear friend and visiting teacher calling for me. I had forgotten that they were coming, so here I was in my pajamas with pond water and mud all over my legs coming in to the house. As I was dumping the water from my aquariums I some how pulled a muscle in my back or something because I have been hunched over and in pain all day. I called Annie and asked her if she was going to the chiropractor because I did something to my back. She wasn't going but later called and said she made an appointment for me at 3:30 p.m. That was so nice of her to take me in and the Doctor was so nice, I think he will be able to help me. Spencer and Annie also offered to pay for some visits for me, I so appreciate their kindness to me. I sure didn't expect that! Anyway, we got home about 5:00 and I layed down on a heating pad and took some pain reliever and just rested for about an hour. Then out I went to do my night time chores. As I got out to where the animals are I saw feathers all over the grass, so I went over and started counting chickens. I was two short, I found one totally eaten and the other one just dead behind my pond. For the last few days I have noticed that my Polish chickens have been flying up on the fence and a couple of times I have had to save them from the dogs. Last night I decided that we needed to move the Polish chickens to the other pen with the higher fence. So Mindi and all her kids helped me catch them and move them over. They didn't seem very excited, in fact they acted very nervous and like they were confused. I thought that this morning when they were all in that I had solved the problem, but obviously I just compounded the problem. I was just sitting there thinking how sometimes we think we are helping when in reality we are hurting the situation. How many times in my life have I made a situation worse by trying to help? Anyway, I decided that maybe we should clip the feathers on the chickens so they can't fly, so out we went with a flashlight to cut feathers. As we got to the pen all the surviving chickens were roosting on the fence. I grabbed the dogs and Mindi and I just decided to throw them back over where they came from. If they are that stupid to jump over the fence with two huge white Labs standing there ready to kill them, they deserve to die. I'm too tired and sore to worry about them tonight.

My chicken gave up

I have had a few people ask me how my chicken is doing. Well she died this morning. I have been trying to nurse her back to health for two weeks now. I think she got pneumonia from all the rain and cold. I thought she was doing better and when I went to bed last night I told Rich I thought she was going to make it. His comment was, "I think you are the chicken whisperer." He's a funny guy, I keep telling him he needs to go to the Improv Comedy Club. Anyway, I did everything I could to help her breath better and start eating and drinking. I gave her antibiotics and put essential oils on her feet and under her wings. When I got up at 5 a.m. to get a drink I could hear her gasping for breath, by 8:30 she was gone. It is almost a relief because I was tired of seeing her suffer. I remember when my Grandma Slade passed away at 89 years old, I was upset and crying and my Dad said, "Teri, you need to realize that death is merciful." I have never forgotten that. In some cases when there isn't anything that will be able to help, it is merciful to pass on. I sure don't want my life to be prolonged if I get so incredibly sick that I am a burden to my family. I went out this morning and dug a hole in the chicken pen and then took her out and buried her with her friends. I know she is only a chicken, but I feel like every living thing is important to our Heavenly Father.

Jewels from Heavenly Father

I can't believe how fast time is going by. Mindi's kids just got home from school and next week is spring break. Can spring already be here? Spencer just left after signing some footballs for a friend of ours. As he drove off I started feeling so sad. He is leaving tomorrow to drive back to Denver to report for workouts with the Broncos. I was wondering why do I get so sad when he isn't "home?" Then I realized that his home really is in Denver. I remember when he left on his mission to Chile how "in the toilet" I was for a long, long, time. That was the longest two years of my life. Today Mindi and I ran to the grocery store. As we turned to go up the cookie isle I heard a stern mean voice say, "are you touching stuff or are you hands in you pockets?" I turned to see a younger girl with a grandpa looking ugly guy with two little kids. He was a jerk! As I turned to give him the "stink eye", he didn't see me, I saw him hit the little boy, probably about three, with his knuckle on the top of his head. I wanted to call CPS but instead I just hurried down the isle so I wouldn't scream out a naughty word. When you lose a child your outlook on life changes. I look at some of the things my grandchildren do, that before I would probably spank them, but it just isn't worth it. How I wish Kamber was here flooding the bathroom, climbing up into the sink, dumping cereal all over the floor. (I made that one up because my Mom told me I climbed on the cabinets and dumped a huge box of cheerios on the floor when I was 18 months old.) She said she just sat in the middle of the floor and cried. I know she didn't spank me, and I really never remember her ever being mean to me, and I was a BRAT! These little children are so precious, why would you treat them like that? Life is hard, and it is getting shorter and shorter for some of us. I know I need to be more patient and loving with those little kids around me. The other day when we went to lunch for Mindi's birthday, Brookie got out of the car and came running up to me and said, "Hi Gamma!" It melted my sometimes "hard heart." These little children are gifts from our Heavenly Father and we need to treat them like the jewels that they are.

Sisterhood

Okay I have forgiven Ethan, but my chicken doesn't look so hot. She was doing much better last week when it warmed up, but when it got cold and rainy I had to bring her back in my house and put her under the heat light. I wish I could read her mind and know if she would rather be out with her friends and just die, or be in a cage in my laundry room. My ESP must not be working. I remember a long time ago I went out to Queen Creek and bought a couple of sheep from an old farmer. We were transporting them home in the back of the Suburban so he tied their feet together so they couldn't move. I was worried because they kept bellowing all the way back to Gilbert. But, before we left I remember asking him if they were going to die. I will never forget what he said to me, it was, "everything that ever lives is going to die at some point." I just thought he had a "few loose screws", but since then I have come to realize how true that is. Last night we celebrated the birthday of the Relief Society at Enrichment Night. I have to say that we have the most fun and talented sisters in our ward. We had yummy Mexican food, it was decorated so fun, great conversation and then we played a little game. They had taken pictures of the front and back of our heads during the last few months. Then we tried to match the name to only the backs of our head. Then at the very end they showed a video of all the sisters in the ward, this time our faces, with a few words that describe us. As I looked at all those sisters, most of who I know pretty well, I could think of many acts of service that were given to me and our family during the years we have been here. I know at times in my life I haven't liked who I am. I have wished I could be skinny like someone, or play the piano like another sister, or have the money of others. But as I looked at all those women last night I realized that we are all daughters of our Heavenly Father and he has given each of us different talents and strengths, but we all have had trials and heartaches, disappointment and sadness. We are all different, but we are also so similar. How do women live without the sisterhood we share in the gospel? I know when Kamber passed away, they told us that when a child passes away, the families with the gospel do much better dealing with the adversity. I am so thankful that my parents taught us the gospel and the importance of the atonement, it has truly blessed my life.

I've Been Dissapointed

Yesterday should have been a joyous day, a wonderful day of celebration. Instead it ending up being a disappointing day for me. This is how it went. Ethan and Jenn were finding out the sex of their fifth child. Because the last four have been girls, I really HOPED this would finally be a boy. A month ago at her first sonogram the girl had said she thought it "might" be a boy, but she couldn't tell for sure. So yesterday when I got the call from Ethan I was so excited. This is how the conversation went. "Mom you are having another grand daughter." Me saying, "Ethan you are such a liar." Then it went back and forth, "I'm not lying, call Jenn. This is good because I'm done." So then I went on and on about " this isn't the time to schedule a vasectomy." Your girls are darling, and maybe it's best you don't have a spoiled boy with all those sisters." I was digging a big hole to try and comfort my son, who seemed to be trying to convince me that he "really doesn't care." After we hung up the phone I called my Mom to tell her the news. She was shocked but just kept telling me that their girls are "darling" and that must be the Lord's will. I then tried to call Rich to tell him the news but he didn't answer his cell phone. I then called Mindi who had taken Troy to the dentist for some extreme dental work and when I told her that Ethan had just called and they were having another girl she said, "he is such a big liar, I just talked to Jenn and they are having a boy." I was so pissed off by this time I could have strangled him and been on DATELINE. Anyway, Rich finally called me back and I told him about the little girl we were having and he said, "I can't believe it. maybe it's just not in the cards." I didn't realize that he had just talked to Ethan and that he was in on it. By then I was so emotionally gone and upset that I began to cry. The Young Women's President was here for me to help her with a project and I explained to her what had happened. She was so kind, but then I had to start calling people and telling them what I thought now was the truth. I had tried to call Jenn three or four times and she never answered her phone. She did finally call me back about two hours later. She felt really bad that my darling son "who I went through Hell to get into this world" did to me and that I should have just called her. Well it's not like I didn't try. I still haven't heard from Ethan, I probably never will. But that's okay. I believe in Karma and he will get it. Rich even said, "now it's your time to retaliate." I don't know about that, but I do know I won't believe a word he says for a long time.

I Think I May Be a Hoader

I have known for a long time that I have some serious issues. It's weird how as you age the problems you have when you are young seem to just get worse when you get older. I had a perfect older sister and two almost perfect younger brothers. One was the "golden child," and the other was the baby. I couldn't win with being the "second child" the notorious "pain in the butt child." I think it was a set up. Anyway, Mindi and I were at JoAnn's our "home away from home" and I ran into a friend of mine I haven't seen since high school. Of course I had just showered and thrown clothes on, we call it "going under cover," she looked very put together. As we stood and visited about our lives since high school, she reminded me about how fun I was to be around. I kept everyone off guard and was reminded how my Seminary teacher Bro. Ellsworth threw me out because I was misbehaving. I used to run into Pres. Ellsworth when He was in the Temple Presidency and I would remind him how he kicked me out one morning. I will never forget how he asked me to "Please Forgive Him." He passed away last year from cancer. I was a brat I admit, but times have changed and now I'm just a "cratchety old woman." That's Rich's favorite term of endearment for me. As I have talked about before I love to make quilts. Since Kamber passed away it has almost become an obsession. Right now I have about five quilts I'm working on that are in all different stages of getting finished. I received an anonymous letter in the mail this week from someone who wants me to make a quilt for someone who passed away in February. I have bought some fabric but need to put some more thought in to that one. Although I love it, I also can get stressed out about it. I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what project I should concentrate on. Maybe I have ADD or something because it seems like it's hard to concentrate on just one project, finish it and then go on to the next. I have a spare bedroom that I have taken over as my sewing room and what Rich calls my "stack all room." It is a mess I admit, but I have decided that maybe I'm just a hoarder. I was reading an article in a magazine that if we gave 50% of our stuff away we would still have WAY to much. So I have decided to get rid of all my clothes I haven't worn for awhile, and anything else that is cluttering up my life. I could also get rid of some of my bad habits and maybe a few toxic relationships. I hope Oprah doesn't call to see all my stuff, that would really be embarrassing!

Got to Love My Boys!

Anyone that knows me well will testify that "I tell it like it is." I don't sugar coat it or make excuses for my opinions and sometimes it gets me in hot water. Mindi has had to apologize for me several times when she feels I have overstepped my bounds. I had one lady in Relief Society, (when they had us doing something I thought was "not that great") say, "you are saying what the rest of us are all thinking." Anyway, I am sorry if I have offended anyone. I'm sure there are lots of people who don't get my humor and might take what I say as an insult. I have two daughters and two sons. That means that I also have two daughter-in-laws and two sons-in-law. We were having a discussion on Monday that Candi, Mindi and Annie all need to have girls and Ethan and Jenn need a little boy. That would give us eight of each sex for grand kids. Boy that went over like a flushed toilet. Annie thinks she wants all boys and maybe a girl down the road and Candi said that she doesn't really want to be a self masochist. She says she would end up in the "nut house" doing hair on all the Kooks, so maybe she will just keep the two boys she has and call it good. Ethan was here working today on a project in the back yard for Rich. They were pouring cement to store all the junk Rich has accumulated with his business and try and keep it out of the irrigation. He did such a good job. I was so impressed by the way he treated his guys and how professional he was dealing with all the stress of the cement truck drivers and the guy who pumped the cement to the back yard. He is truly a sweetheart of a guy. I haven't always felt that way about him, especially between the ages of 12-19. He has really changed since Kamber passed away and I would have to say for the better. He has always had a kind heart but I feel his heart is golden now. Spencer is a wonderful person too. Tomorrow is his birthday and I can't believe that little guy who was playing Pop Warner football just a few years ago is in the NFL now. Spencer and Ethan are both wonderful fathers who love their kids and have tons of fun with them. Spencer changes diapers and helps Annie when he's around, (he did not learn that from Rich.) Ethan is proud to say that he has changed maybe two diapers, but his little girls LOVE him. Kamber was such a challenge, but I know of all the kids she was most like Ethan and I know his love for her is endless. As I watched Ethan working hard outside all day it reminded me of Rich and how hard they have to work to support their families. Spencer works just as hard lifting weights, running and studying to be able to support his little family. I am so proud of them. They are so different, but so wonderful. I am so thankful Heavenly Father gave me two sons. My daughters are so precious to me also. That is why I want Annie and Candi to have a girl and Ethan and Jenn to have a little feller. But when all is said and done, I have NO control over what my darlings do, I have learned that for sure!

Rainy Days and Mondays

Why are Mondays so hard? The old song "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down" is so me. We have had more rain in these last two months than all of last year. It has been crazy and it makes my chores messy and way harder. I woke up today with a sick chicken. I noticed that last night she wasn't breathing very well and because it was easy for me to pick her up I knew something was wrong with her. Mindi and I drove all over Gilbert trying to find some medicine for her. I could just let her die, but I feel like I need to at least try and save her. So another day without getting anything done. I have noticed that the older I get the harder it is to get things done and it takes way longer. I was telling my Mom about my frustration with my lack of productivity and she said, "just wait until you're 80." Oh heavens, I don't know if I will live that long. I can't believe we are already in the month of March. Wasn't it just Christmas? Anyway, I have a little place on my wall where I have a darling picture of Kamber. It was the last professional photograph Jenn had taken of her. After she passed away Jenn had one made for me. Anyway, every month I put a little reminder of what month it is so every time I walk past that picture I see it. I got out my shiny green Shamrock and put away my sparkly purple heart. Next month I will bring out the Easter Egg. The time is going by so fast that pretty soon we will have that wonderful summer weather that we enjoy so much. Ha Ha This summer should be interesting with two new grand babies due, and in one week we will know if it is possible that Ethan could produce a male child. I think I'm way more excited about it than he is, (or that's just what he says.) I'm still having a hard time sleeping through the night. I wake up and think about all the things I need to do and before I know it I've been awake for two to three hours. I do my best problem solving in the night. Mindi suggested I take a tranquilizer to help me sleep, maybe I will give that a whirl tonight. Tomorrow is another day and just like my Dad tells me when I get discouraged, "the sun will come up again tomorrow" and I'm a day closer to seeing Kamber.