The Light

Those close to me know that once a month I go to counseling to get my head screwed back on right. It really helps me to take some deep breaths and try to figure out what is bothering me at that time. For the last two times he has suggested I read a book called,"LIGHT In The Wilderness." I am only in the second chapter but I have really felt inspired by this book. I wouldn't say that I'm an intellectual person, so when I read, it has to be easy for me to understand or I lose interest really fast. Although I wouldn't say this book is easy reading, I have managed to stay with it and I almost can't put it down. Basically, I have learned that we are in the wilderness, and without the Light of Christ we don't have a chance. This book is filled with scriptures and quotes by prophets and authors. One of the things I've learned is that "We have to acknowledge the Lord's hand in all things-to give up the idea that things happen randomly to us." She quotes Brigham Young in saying, "Make up your minds thoroughly, once and for all, that if we have trials, the Lord has suffered them to be brought upon us, and he will give us grace to bear them." I have thought about what happened on July 25th almost every day since then and at times I thought my heart was breaking in half, that I was dying inside. I remember walking down the hall punching the wall saying, "NO! NO! Why me." Then in a still small voice I heard. "Why not you?" So on we go wandering in the wilderness trying to make sense out of things that happen to us. My new motto is the Serenity Prayer which is "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Surviving Mother's Day

I survived another Mother's Day and lived to tell about it. It was a bitter-sweet day. I had conflicting emotions all day and by the night I was exhausted. In the early morning I couldn't stop thinking about Kamber and how sad I was she isn't here with us anymore, I was also feeling sorry for myself because Spencer's card he sent never got to me. Then as I sat in church listening to all the talks about how "wonderful" mothers are, I found myself back in that dark place I had come from in the morning. After Sacrament meeting my friend Paula came up to me and we shared our dislike for Mother's Day. She has had some hard challenges in her life. Her oldest son was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years ago and I can feel her pain. As we cried at the back of the church we concluded that at least we still had our Mothers on this special day. During Primary they had a fun activity where they brought four mothers in and let the kids ask questions to find out who they were. They wore brown paper sacks on their heads that were decorated with hair, eyes and lips. It was really fun. Then the kids sang four Primary songs about mothers, ending with "I am a Child of God." I could not stop crying. We have been told that when children sing it goes straight to our Heavenly Father as a testimony to him of their love.

After church we had Mom and Dad over for dinner and then the extended family came over for desert. It is always really loud when the Greer's get together. We laughed and "scratched" and it was after nine before everyone left. I am thankful for my Mother and hope to have many more days with her.

Happy Mother's Day to Me!

I woke up early this morning, Rich was pouring cement in the backyard and I needed to get up early and do my chores before the sweltering heat hits. I have 1 cat, 3 dogs, 6 rabbits, 15 birds, 11 tortoises, 8 water turtles and a LOT of fish. As I walked out to feed my animals I realized that my pump on my big pond wasn't working. As I got closer I could see that some of my fish were floating on the top and all of them were trying to breath on the surface. I hurried and turned on my big pump to get the water going so hopefully I could save some of them. I scooped some of the dead fish out and walked over to Rich and said, "Happy Mother's Day to Me." He said, "Yeh look and all this concrete." No that's not really what I was talking about. Anyway I told him I needed one of his guys to dig me a hole so I could bury my fish. Mindi came out a little later and helped me move the plants and get the floating fish out. As I was walking back towards the house I thought of the last time I lost a bunch of my fish. It was a few days after Kamber passed away I left the hose in the pond all night and with all the chlorine in the water it killed about half of my big Koi. Rich is more philosophical about it because he says, "maybe this is a natural way to thin the herd. I never have thought of my fish as a herd, but I still have plenty of fish and there's always PETCO and PETSMART, my "home away from home." Hopefully the day gets better because if it doesn't I'm in trouble.

My fish that didn't make it through the night.

Mothers and Children

I have to admit that Mother's Day is probably one of my least favorite days. It started when my children were young and took all my time and energy. Then the teenage years about killed me; I was lucky to get out of that alive. Now my kids are all adults and have their own children and I marvel at how well they take care of their offspring. My patriarchal blessing doesn't mention children so I wasted no time having Mindi ten months after we got married. On Saturday Ethan called and said,"do you want to come to dinner tomorrow? " He knew I have been struggling with some issues in my life and it was nice to go to his house and relax and have a wonderful dinner. Then yesterday Mindi made her famous Cafe Rio Pork and everyone came over for burros on Cinco de Mayo. It does get chaotic when we have nine grand kids plus a few neighbor kids over, but as I sat and watched Ice Age with Ethan and a few of the kids I felt blessed to have my children and grandchildren so close. My Mom always tells me how much she loves me, how happy she is to have her "precious" kids, and that I'm "darling." That's probably not a word that most people would use to describe me, but my Mom thinks I'm wonderful. (She's forgotten how hard I was as a child and teenager.") I guess that is why it is a blessing to grow old and be able to forget the bad times and cherish the good. I know I haven't always been the best mother, but I think all mothers do their absolute best. I don't think any of us think, " what can I do now to screw up my kids." I'm thankful for a Mom that loved me unconditionally despite my faults, there were times when she saved my life as I was growing up. I hope my children know how much I love each one of them and their children also. It would be a lonely life for me if I didn't have them.

MAY DAY

I can't believe it's already the month of May. As we were driving home the other day we were talking about how busy May is going to be. We have Rich's Mom's birthday on the 4th, Mother's Day on the 10th, Rich's birthday on the 19th, mine on the 22nd, Rich's sister's on the 25th and Tayler's (8th) on the 30th. That doesn't even include "Fathers and Sons" this weekend and Memorial Day in three weeks. May is a good month because it isn't that terribly hot yet, but the pool is starting to get warm enough for the kids to swim. I remember last year the first time we went swimming at Ethan and Jenn's, Kamber was a crazy swimmer. I was so worried about her because she would hide and take her floaties off. Jenn and I even talked about how worried we were. Then we were trying to plan a family trip to Lake Powell. The guys really wanted to go but we had Brookie a few months old, Annie big and pregnant and Spencer leaving for Denver for training camp. We talked about camping with twelve grandkids or some of us staying in hotels part of the time. Then I suggested a houseboat, I remember Jenn having a terrible feeling about that. She felt that Kamber would just walk off the side of the boat. We didn't seem to ever feel good about taking all those small children to that huge lake. Anyway, the summer came and went and the thing that we had feared the most all summer happened. I have been thinking alot about that lately. Were we being prepared for the accident, or is it just coincidence? Why didn't I do more to help Jenn with the kids? We knew Kamber was so hard. I know she is in a better place. I know people love her on the other side, but it won't be the same this summer without her.

String of Bad Luck

What a week! It seems like the older I get the faster time goes by and the harder it is to get things done. This week has been especially hard on me because of the 100 degree temps. I've also had some really bad luck with things breaking down. I have a pond with big koi fish in it. Rich built it for me a few years ago. It has two pumps, one that sends water up to the waterfall and the other into a filter box. The fish love to get under the cascading water and it helps put air in the water for them. Well, that's been broken for a couple of weeks while we've been waiting for parts. We finally got it going again and when I went out yesterday it wasn't working again. I put my sheets in the washer and left for a ward breakfast and came back to the washer full of sheets and water but wouldn't turn on. I had to pull those king-size sheets out of the water and haul them down to Mindi's, so now I need a new washer. We also have a broken down lawn mower that Rich is trying to fix, (he would rather spend money fixing old things than getting new.) Last night as I was making my last batch of caramel popcorn for primary sharing time today, I was so tired I could hardly walk. I was thinking about everything that was broken in my life. ("That's because I'm a negative person"). Sometimes I feel emotionally broken. The stress of trying to be a good wife, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, visiting teacher, primary teacher, and animal collector is a bit overwhelming. Then I realized that the biggest thing broken is my heart. I am not or will never be okay with the drowning of my sweet Kamber. I will try for the rest of my life to heal this broken heart. Sometimes I can put it in the back of my brain, but for me this has been devastating. There is nothing to prepare you for the untimely loss of a young child. My spirit tells me she's happy and in a good place, but my natural man is angry and bitter. Life goes on, and the "sun came up" again this morning. Maybe that's what life is all about, trying to fix all the broken things in our lives.

Questions for God

I have been wondering a lot lately about where my life is and how I got here. The talk on Sunday was about the three questions missionaries ask, "where did I come from? What am I doing here? And where am I going?" One of my questions is why would our Heavenly Father, who says he loves us, send us down to a place that he knew was ugly, dangerous, and full of temptation? It seems like since Kamber passed away we have found everything we could to read on adversity. There are many promises given that are suppose to help but sometimes that just isn't enough. I've been reading a book called "The Power of Adversity." It is just pages of different quotes about adversity. One of the little quotes is by Marvin J. Ashton. He talks about the different crosses we bear. Some of the crosses we bear are: the cross of loneliness; the cross of physical limitations; the cross of poor health; the cross of success; the cross of transgression; the cross of temptation; the cross of beauty, fame, or wealth; the cross of criticism; the cross of peer rejection... Then he says God has made a promise to us to "Carry your crosses with strength, with purpose, and while you do, count the blessings of God's strength." I guess I need to pick up my cross and drag it along the way and hopefully think of all my blessings today.

33 Years Together

Today is mine and Rich's anniversary. I know he would probably say,"I've spent 33 years with the wrong woman." Wow! where do I even start talking about our life together. I have been thinking a lot this week about how hard it is to make our marriage work. My nephew Evan is getting married tomorrow and I am so excited for him, but wouldn't want to start over. We have had some great times, the birth of four healthy children, and twelve grandchildren. But like every other family we have also had some really bad times. The most recent being the death of darling Kamber last summer. Rich has so many good qualities. He's a really hard worker and a great provider. He grew up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic family, but by being obedient and going on a mission his life has been blessed. He loves the gospel and the people he serves and he loves his family. He is always looking for ways to make others lives better and happier. Our marriage hasn't been a bed of roses but we have stayed together despite our differences (and there are a lot of them). We never know how much time we will have on this earth but I hope we will have many more years together. I feel like the love you have when you first get married is nothing compared to the love you have for someone you have experienced lifes most sacred times with, and the hardest trials. Happy Anniversary Dewey, I LOVE YOU!

What a Weekend!

I had a friend call me this morning and ask me if I still had my"Easter Hangover?" Oh, is that what my problem is? Last week was a blurrrr and I'm always glad when I survive a busy one. We took care of Tayler, Kylie and Brookie from Thurs, to Sat. while Ethan and Jenn were in Las Vegas. The girls were so good and we had a lot of fun, but seven kids is a lot. After they left on Saturday, we had to run some errands and get groceries for Easter dinner. We had a nice day yesterday, church was good and our dinner was even better. This Easter I felt different about the message I heard and the lesson we taught in Primary. I've always had a testimony, but I have to say that since Kamber passed away it has changed who I am. I can't really explain it, but I feel different. The Atonement means more to me now than it ever has and my eyes have been open to the fact we are all going to die. Just like we all lived in the spirit world before we were born, we are not going to live forever on this earth. In the lesson yesterday, we taught that death is a wonderful thing, and that because of the Savior we will all be resurrected. After we had dinner we went to the cemetary to put some flowers and a basket of Easter eggs on Kamber's grave. I never thought I would be spending Christmas, Easter and many other holidays at the cemetary. I have to say that there is a special spirit there. The closeness it brings to our family is amazing. There were so many other people there honoring their family members who have passed on. It was a nice ending to the Easter season.

Grandchildren Everywhere

Mindi and I have had the Larsen sisters over while Ethan and Jenn went with some of their friends to Las Vegas for the weekend. We picked the girls up on Thursday afternoon and their other Grandma Madeline is picking them up later today to have them home for the Easter Bunny. We have had fun with them and they have been really good, but I know now why you are supposed to have children while you are young. I haven't been able to take my afternoon nap or watch Oprah and Dr. Phil but I'm not complaining. Last evening as I was out doing my chores, feeding the rabbits, fish, turtles and birds the kids were all out jumping on the trampoline and digging in the sand. Troy always wants to help me (which takes me twice as long). I had the hose on and I was trying to put some water in the pond and water my plants when he grabs the hose and says,"I do it." I usually fight him for the hose but I was too tired so I just let him have that one and went and got another hose. After he filled the rabbit's food with water I decided to go in the house and get the carrots for my two baby rabbits. As we were walking back out to feed them I became frustrated with how long it was taking me to do my chores. I then had the thought that I needed to enjoy all the time I have with him and that I would give anything to have Kamber here with us. If I would have known we only had 2 1/2 years with her how much more I would have enjoyed her and cherished every second with her. You never know how much you love someone until they are taken from you. Anyway, this is Kamber's first Easter in Heaven. Having a grandchild pass away makes the Atonement much more meaningful to me.

Three Birthdays

Tyton in October for family pictures.

Ethan and Brookie at the Turkey Trot.

What a busy week we have had. We celebrated Brookies' birthday on Friday, Ethan's on Monday and I think they celebrated Tyton's yesterday in Denver by going to the zoo. Today is Ethan's 28th birthday. During the night Rich was up irrigating, we always have the best times, 1:00-4:00 am. It's never a restful night when he's in and out checking the water, but last night was even worse. When he took his irragation boots off and came in the bedroom he woke me up. I started thinking about the day Ethan was born. I was huge and so unconfortable I swore I wasn't going to spend one more day pregnant. I took matters in my own hands and induced myself. I went out and mowed our backyard, cleaned my house and then Rich mixed me up a cocktail of orange juice and castor oil. That night I woke up with terrible contractions so I called my Mom who lives in Scottsdale and told her to come quick. I don't know why it took her so long but I was pacing in our driveway. By the time we finally got to the hospital I was totally ready to deliver. I think I was there only ten minutes and the nurses were trying to help me deliver but the cord was wrapped around his neck. The doctor stepped in the room and cut the cord and he was delivered all 9lbs.7ozs. I thought he was so little but the doctor said, "this is a big baby!" Because the cord was around his neck his head was blue for a few days. They took him in the nursery and gave him some oxygen before I was able to hold him. It's good the Lord lets us forget how hard it is to birth these babies or mothers would only have one child. If a man had to go through childbirth they wouldn't be able to handle the pain. We never knew what we were having back in the "olden days" so we sure were happy to have a little fellar. We are so proud of Ethan, he's a good husband, a loving father and has a heart of gold. Sometimes he acts like a tough guy and trys to get me going by squeeling his tires and trying to run me down, but we love him to death. Happy Birthday Ethan!

Celebrating Brookie

Brookie at one year birthday.

Kamber at two year birthday.

Yesterday was Baby Brookie's first birthday. As we were getting ready during the day to go out to Ethan and Jenn's for her party I thought about when Jenn was pregnant with her. They were on their way down to find out what they were having. I was positive that the baby was a boy because I felt Heavenly Father knew they had three girls and a boy would be necessary. When Ethan called and said it was another girl I called him a liar and a few other names and then he assured me it was another baby girl. Little did we know that three months after the birth of that beautiful baby, her sister Kamber would be taken away from our family. At Kamber's 2nd birthday Jenn had a huge colored flower on her head. When I saw it I said, "wow Jenn, couldn't you find a bigger flower to put in her hair?" We all laughed and I didn't think anymore about it until we were looking at pictures of Kamber for the video for her funeral. Now that is one of my very favorite pictures of her. I am so thankful for Brookie. I know she doesn't know the role she is playing in our family. She hasn't replaced Kamber, but everytime we see her it reminds us of Kamber. She has a lot of the same little looks and mannerism as her sister, and in a way that takes some of the sting away. I know that she has helped Jenn because it has made her get up everyday and take care of her. I know Kamber is watching and loves Brookie like we do.

The Easter Pagent

Last night we went down to the Temple to watch the Easter Pagent. We don't go every year but this year I felt I needed to go. We only go on the night of the dress rehearsal because any other night is crazy with the crowds and trying to find a place to park. Rich got there early and saved a place for my Mom to park and Mindi and her boys and I got there right as it was starting. As the angels appeared on the top of the set I started to cry. I could feel the spirit and it touched me. The pagent is basically the Savior's life from birth to the resurrection. It is stories told by people who lived while he was on the Earth. I especially loved the part when they bring lots of little children up to him and he picks them up and you can just feel his love for the them. There was one little girl that had long blonde hair and her parents were carrying her up to see Christ so she could be healed. As he took her in his arms it felt as though he was holding Kamber and I began to cry again. I was using my socks to wipe the tears and I was hoping I wouldn't totally lose control. I was thinking that he had the power to save Kamber and keep her here, but he chose not to. I found myself asking "why?" again. As I was talking to Mindi today about the Pagent, she said,"when he picked the little blonde girl up in the purple dress I felt it was Kamber." I'm so glad I went and so thankful that Rich went with me. I know he was tired but he got there early and saved us a spot and I appreciate that.

Ben Hur

Last night I turned the t.v. on and my all-time favorite movie was on, Ben-Hur. I remember the first time I saw it we went to the drive-in with my Abney-Heap cousins in Mesa. I remember laying on a blanket watching the chariot race and loving every minute. That was probably more than 45 years ago. As I watched it as an old grandman it took on a different meaning than it had as a young child. I didn't realize back then that it was such a long movie and how hadsome Charleton Heston was, but I do remember the spirit I felt. As I was watching it last night my eyes began to tear up as he was looking for his mother and sister. Then as he watched the trial of Jesus and him carrying the cross up the stairs. He wanted revenge on the Romans who had sent him to the galley of the ship to die. Then he saw Jesus and his heart was softened. Rich had to do Sharing Time today, (for maybe the last time) as the Bishopric. He had made a bridge out of wood the the words ATONEMENT on them. He does such a good job with the kids. I felt the spirit again as he talked about how the Savior has made it possible to return home to live as eternal families. I know Kamber is in good hands on the other side and hope as a family we will all strive to do better every day so we can be with her again.

Empathy

Rich and I went to a funeral for a young man in our ward. His name was Ben Harper and Rich was one of his advisers in the Priest Quorum a few years ago. I have to admit that funerals are not my favorite things to attend, but after I go I'm always glad. The spirit is so strong and it is a spiritual experience for me. Yesterday as I sat and listened to the words of the Bishop and Stake President, (who just happens to be my brother), I came away with a new sense of what I need to be doing to better my life. The Bishop said," the Lord doesn't expect perfection, he just wants our hearts." At times I get discouraged when I think of all the things I'm not doing, but hopefully he knows my heart and understands my shortcomings. Lennie talked about the "Plan of Happiness" and that sometimes it doesn't seem so happy. It brought me back to that awful day in July when our darling granddaughter Kamber passed away. It was by far the hardest trial I have had in my life, but at the same time the most spiritual. The closeness we felt as a family and the love we felt from our ward members, extended family and friends was overwhelming. We know how hard the next few months and even years are going to be for them, but we have hope that the days ahead will bring them peace and understanding. We have a little more understanding of how they feel because we have been there and are still grieving.

March Madness

I love the month of March. The weather is usually nice and my flowers are starting to look really good before they start dying off. I also like March because of the college basketball's tournament. I guess my love for basketball started when I used to play outside every day after school. It was usually Lennie and me against Dad and Ben. My Dad was also a high school referee so he would take us kids all over town when he reffed. A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my friend about Kamber and how hard it is to come to terms with her death. I think I'm doing really well, but there are times that the pain is unbearable. He was telling me about his theory that you are either in the stands, or you are on the court. When you are in the stands, you are watching the players, cheering, yelling and wondering about the strategy on the court. But, when you are on the court, and in the game, it's a whole new experience. I have been in the stands for a long time in my life, but since Kamber's passing I feel I've been forced to get on the court and in to the game. I guess this is why we aren't suppose to judge anyone, because if you aren't on the court and in the game you have NO idea what it's like. I'm looking forward to being in the stands in the future but for now I'm stuck on the court.

Grandma the water's warm!

Today we had the Larsen girls while Jenn was at the hospital with Ethan having surgery to have his gallbladder out. Because it's spring break that made seven kids. They really have fun with their cousins and get along really well. In the afternoon Tristyn came in and said that they went over into the pool and felt the water and it was really warm. I said, "there is no way in h#@* that water in that pool is warm." After arguing with them for about two hours and listening to them tell me how warm the water was I decided to call their bluff. I said, "everyone outside on the diving board and you are all jumping in." We headed out to the pool and before you know it they were in swimming. After they were in a little bit the water didn't seem so warm. Tristyn was chattering and Trent was out saying he needed a towel because he was cold. I finally told Tristyn she better go all the way under because she was the one who kept telling me how warm it was. Tayler was having a blast. She and Kylie stayed in the longest and Tayler swam and swam. We had a box of Otter Pops and ice cream bars and then came in. The weather has been so pretty and I hate the heat, but it is fun to see all the kids in the pool. I couldn't help but think how much Kamber loved the water and how sad I was that she wasn't there with us; or maybe she was.

Tristyn Playing Volleyball

Four generations of volleyball players.

Last Saturday we took my Dad to the Salvation Army to watch Tristyn play in a volleyball tournament. It is fun but tiring and frustrating. There are eight teams that play in a tournament for seeding purposes for the next tournament. Anyone who has ever watched 10-12 year-old girls play, know that a lot of the time is spent listening to them scream. It brought back all the memories of watching Mindi and Candi play and it was good to spend time with my Dad. He was a good sport but admitted to getting "awful tired" by the end. Plus, our backsides were sore from sitting on the old wood bleachers. It was interesting to see all these girls, with different shapes, sizes, colors and ability play. Some should change sports but others had some good potential. When we took Dad home, my Mom was excited to see us home safely and she came out to greet us. By then some of the kids needed to use the bathroom so went in to the house where I grew up in Scottdsdale. My Mom is a typical mother and always wants to feed us, so she offered us one of her bananas. I love bananas that are just barely a little bit yellow and she had just been to the store. I swear she buys at least 14 of them every week. Anyway, I was teasing her about how there is NO WAY she can eat that many bananas in a week, she must have a pet spider monkey in her house. Anyway, Trace heard me say that and he said, "I want to go in and see Grandma's Spider Monkey." It was pretty funny. so we sent Mom in to get her bowl of bananas and took a picture. She is so hilarious, always smiling, almost always happy.

Mom's spider monkey food.

Close Call

WOW did I have another close call. I went out this morning to do my chores, (feed animals, start up the pond, water my plants, etc.). I was in the aviary putting seeds in the dishes when I saw a black furry critter run past me with a white Lab on his trail. He got under the cage and Sonny had him in his mouth before I had time to react. I started yelling at the dogs and finally got them out of the area and in the pool fence. Then I had to go back and try to get my rabbit back in his cage. I found him hiding behind the feed but I couldn't catch him. As soon as I would touch him he would take off. He finally got out of the aviary and in the yard. That's two acres of wet grass; because we got irrigation yesterday, and I'm trying to catch him. Yea, right. Anyway, to make a long story short I ran in and got Mindi and she and Trace came out and they trapped him behind the fence and got him back where he belongs. I found the hole he got out of and had to fill that in. I started thinking about how many times in my life I have had close calls. How many times was my life spared because it wasn't my time. We never know when life is going to throw us a curveball. I think of my teenage years and all the stupid things I did. I'm so thankful that my Heavenly Father was watching over me. Since Kamber passed away it has made us all aware of the fact we never know what is around the corner. All I know today is that my little black rabbit is a lucky bunny.

It's a sad day!

It is a sad day today. Spencer and Annie took their boys back to Colorado this morning. We went over last night to say goodbye. I hate being a paradox because although I'm sad they left, I'm happy he is able to fulfill his dream of playing football in the NFL. I know he isn't quite sure what it is going to be like with the new coach and some new players, but I'm confident they will see the good player he is and use his talents to better the team. Life will go on and hopefully at some time in my life I will understand why my life has turned out the way it has. I guess if you do the same things over and over you will get the same results. Why would I think I could change things when doing the same things over and over again? I know nothing lasts forever so hopefully a change will come.