Three Receptions, Two Parties and Church

We had a crazy busy weekend but a super fun one too. Rich and I went to three wedding receptions, church and two family parties. As we were traveling from reception to reception I thought to myself, "who is stupid enough to get married around Easter?" Then I realized that with Rich and I getting married on Good Friday that put us in the stupid category. The receptions were so nicely decorated and the food delicious. Rich likes it when we go to receptions because he thinks it counts as a date. On Saturday night we didn't get to stay long at those two receptions because Candi and B.J. were having a family Easter bash at their house. The Wootans were in town, so both families were there to celebrate. They had a cookout and then an Easter Egg Hunt in the dark. They filled up eggs with the glow in the dark bracelets and put them all over the park by their house. Each kid had six eggs with their names on them with money inside. Then the kids took turns hitting a pinata and that is always fun, you can never have enough candy. Sunday was church and it is always nice to enjoy the spirit as the talks and music reminded me of what Easter is all about. We would not be able to return home to our Heavenly Father without the sacrifice the Savior made for each of us. We had dinner for the family yesterday at our house. Mom and Dad came and Mindi and Ethan's families. Candi was busy with the Wootans and I understand they need to spend time with them before they go back to California. My sister Mell, and brother Ben joined us later for dessert. When Dad got to the house he looked white as a ghost and was so sick. I put him in the recliner and covered him with a quilt. I had Mindi bring down some anti-nausea pills they gave her when she was pregnant with Trulie and the doctor had prescribed for him. He started feeling a little bit better and sat at the table and pretended to eat a few bites. He says food just "tastes terrible."As I look at my Dad suffer the affects of chemotherapy it makes me wonder what trials I will have as I reach old age. Each day I struggle with my trials like everyone else and hope that the future will not be too hard for me to deal with. I want to be worthy to see my loved ones on the other side and have them be proud of my efforts here on earth.

Good Friday 2013

Rich and I were married on Good Friday almost thirty-seven years ago. Although today isn't really our anniversary it still reminds me of that cold, wet, stormy day in April so many years ago that we were married. I haven't been sleeping very well because I have a mother dog who is a pain in the butt. She doesn't want to nurse her puppies anymore, but she thinks she's a house dog and whines at the door all night wanting to get in. Rich has been getting up and putting the fear of God in her, but that is just temporary. Yesterday Mindi and I decided we would move the eight puppies to the pen behind her house. The flies have been horrible since our neighbors moved in with four horses across the street last summer. As I was carrying two puppies I tripped on a rock and stumbled towards the fence. All I saw was Mindi's eyes get really big as she was yelling "MOM", she was holding a pair of scissors in her hand and before I toppled over my arm hit the fence. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, it must have been a comical but scary sight. After going to a wedding reception last night we had to walk a block to get back to the car. Between my almost deadly fall and my walk, I was so sore I was in tears when I went to bed. I wish I had the time to just relax and eat bon bons all day but life is so crazy right now with all that needs to be done around here. My Dad has been doing better but this week has felt lousy. He had his last chemo treatment yesterday but is meeting with a urologist today about a problem with his kidney. They think the cancer may have spread now to one of his kidneys and they may have to operate and take it out. I would have given up a long time ago. That is one thing about that generation of people who lived through the depression and were so poor, they are so tough. In my little book "The Power of Adversity" there is a quote from Spencer W. Kimball, who I love. He says, "Is there not wisdom in his giving us trials that we might rise above them, responsibilities that we might achieve, work to harden our muscles, sorrows to try our souls? Are we not exposed to temptations to test our strength, sickness that we might learn patience, death that we might be immortalized and glorified? In face of apparent tragedy we must put our trust in God, knowing that despite our limited view his purposes will not fail. With all its troubles life offers us the tremendous privilege to grow in knowledge and wisdom, faith and works, preparing to return and share God's glory."

The Way It Is Suppose To Be?

Lately I've been in a funk. I've asked myself a thousand times if this is what life is suppose to be like. Then I have other questions I ask myself in my mind. Am I doing what I was destined to do? Am I living where I am suppose to be? Am I doing all I can do to follow the Savior's example. I wonder if my problem is age related or just lack of sleep and hormones.Sunday morning I was standing at the sink with Rich behind me looking out the front of our house. I said something about how much work it takes to live in a nice house with a huge yard full of flowers. Besides spending hours and hours at work and church, he also does most of the work in the yard. All he said was that he likes making our home beautiful. That is what he does for a job, helping others make their homes beautiful. I am so thankful he loves what he does. I wish I could have gone on to have a career after my kids were out of the house, but that wasn't my pathway so, no regrets. On Sunday afternoon we went to the cemetery to decorate Kamber's grave for Easter. As we pulled in I was so happy to see all the pretty spring flowers on the graves. Rich commented that almost every grave had some nice flowers on them. As we walked along I made sure the family knew what was not acceptable to put on my grave, live flowers that shrivel up and die, then look ugly, not acceptable. As we left I felt at peace. The cemetery is a nice place to be on a warm sunny Sabbath afternoon. I know Kamber appreciates us thinking about her and she know how much we love and miss her. I know she loves her little brothers and sisters and parents and knows she will see them again. With all those questions I have floating around in my goofy brain I do know that our Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to be happy, but life is still hard and maybe that is the way it's suppose to be.

"Your Daughter's Your Daughter"

I was talking to one of my really good friends the other day about our children and grandchildren. She has four boys one of which was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years ago. As we were talking, I told her I was so thankful to have daughters. She needs a daughter. This week Candi came over and did a Larsen Family hair cutting, coloring and styling extravaganza. She uses her talents and kindness when she comes over and it helps us all save time and money.  I asked Rich last week if he could cut my toenails on my foot where I had my hip operation. The look on his face made me think that wasn't in the job description of husband duties. After he was done he said, "how much does it cost to get a pedicure?" That's all it took for me to decide I needed some professional help. So on Thursday we took Trulie to the babysitter and Mindi and I went and got a manicure and pedicure. It was so fun to just relax and let someone TRY and improve our looks. I heard a little saying once that said, "your daughter's your daughter all of your life, your son's your son till he takes a wife.'" I have been really lucky because I love both of my daughter-in-laws as much as my daughters. There have been times I have liked them more than my sons, but that's a different post. The older I get the more I understand the wisdom of our Heavenly Father who puts us in families so we can experience all that is needed to become like him. It is through these relationships where we grow and learn about the atonement and agency. My kids are not perfect but they are mine and I wouldn't trade them for anyone on this earth.

"Have Mercy on Me"

Last week was probably one of the hardest ones I've had in a long time. Having three sets of puppies and five kids home for spring break was almost more than I could take. Not to mention the two acres of grass and weeds that we were expected to mow down after a month of irrigation and rain. I was out of control most of the week and into the weekend. When the kids went back to school yesterday you didn't see any of us crying around here. We had a million errands to run, Michael's, Wal Mart,the feed store, the bank, Sprouts the water store and on and on. As I went out to feed my flock I had the first hint of orange blossom scent. As I walked around the property, taking pictures of all the blossoms on our trees, it took me back to my childhood. I grew up in Scottsdale but most of my extended family lived in Mesa. My maternal grandma lived in downtown Mesa a few blocks from the Temple. I remember driving over to visit her with the windows down breathing in all the smells of spring. I remember playing in her yard and not wanting to go home because of the freshness of the air there. I've been reflective lately about my life. How does a nice girl like me get into such messes? Why do I let people offend me when they are just as flawed as the rest of us. I had a friend share a scripture with me the other day that I'm trying to use in my life. It's Alma 36:18 in the Book of Mormon, it reads, "Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart; O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death." Since Kamber passed away and I had my hip replacement, plus other trials, I feel sometimes like I need the The Savior to just have mercy on me as I walk my pathway through this mortality. Do you have any scriptures to help you through this experience?

"I Approve of Myself"

About a year ago when I was in one of my dark "in the toilet" kind of days, I heard a voice tell me that I need to "take my power back." I didn't quite understand what that meant, so when I was talking to my friend I asked him what that was suppose to teach me. He told me that when we let others destroy our self esteem and make us act and feel a way other than our divine self, we need to take back our power. I did it again this week. I fell in the trap. The trap that is in my own thoughts that makes me take a situation and send me to hell. This morning as I was reading my little book, yes, I'm still trying to "heal my life", she was talking about positive affirmations. This week has been so crazy with the kids home from school that it has taken me out of the game of saying, "I approve of myself." I'm suppose to say that a bazillion times a day and I forgot, dang it. I remember Spencer telling me a while back that he had come across a chaplain who is all about meditation and affirmations. He uses it all the time to just let his mind go and try and commune with a higher being. I have never really been in to this stuff but lately it seems like everything I come across talks about the power of changing our thoughts, which in turn changes our ability to cope with life. Boy would that be great, not falling into all those traps that are put in my path. So today I am studying on how to meditate and tell myself  how great my life is and try and get out of this trap I'm caught in. At the end of this chapter she says, "Love who and what you are and what you do."  That sounds great to me, I have a long ways to go on that one.

Spring Break Isn't Really a Break for Me

Back in the olden days I don't remember having Fall and Spring Break. Maybe we did and I just don't remember, but my parents were both school teachers and I don't think we had many breaks until summer. I spent most yesterday outside while we were trying to do a service project. We thought it would be good to have the kids work on mowing, weed eating and cleaning up the backyard. It was probably the most frustrating thing I have done in a long time. Trying to keep three boys ages 6-12 and an 18 month old on task was impossible. We had lawn mower problems and ran out of string on the weed eater. Of course Rich and Dave are no where in sight, as they are on jobs trying to keep us in groceries and a roof over our heads. We are having record high temperatures so by the afternoon the kids were hot and wanted to swim. The water in the pool is still freezing but after telling them "NO" a hundred times we gave up. Jenn happened to bring her kids over to see the puppies and play with the cousins, so we let the kids in the pool. The bigger kids swam around and the little kids just played in the baby pool. Poor Max stripped down into his birthday suit before we could get a swimmer on him. We have lots of work to do this summer getting the little ones pool safe. I know we couldn't live through another tragedy that took our sweet Kamber from us five years ago. It will be good next week to get back to normal with the kids back to school. The only problem is there is only a few more weeks until the summer and then everyday will be like this. Spring Break is really just a break from what little sanity I have left.

"You Make Your Life What You Want It To Be"

This week is spring break for the kids here in Gilbert. It may be a break for the kids, but it just makes life harder for the Moms. We have been busy this morning cleaning up and working around the house. After two and a half hours of irrigation and then a storm that dropped over a half inch of rain, we are pretty muddy around here. It was 58 degrees last Friday and by Thursday it will be in the 90's. We went from winter to summer in a weeks time. On Friday our little Shih Tzu dog had six brown puppies. That makes three litters of puppies, seventeen total. I woke up this morning at 4:00 a.m. with a killer headache.  I think it's all a self induced kind of stress thing. The time might be coming soon for me to get out of the animal business. I'm going to be sixty this year and with my bad hip it complicates everything I do. I spend so much time taking care of the animals and making sure everything is clean and fed, that I'm really not enjoying life anymore. I want to be able to work on some of my quilts and maybe even finish one for my bed. Anyway, I'm just having a little "pity party" for myself right now, can you tell?  It seems like I've been taking care of either kids or animals for way too long and I may be burning out just a bit. Is it time yet for me to sit in a rocking chair eating bon bons and grapes and having someone fan me all day long? Last week as Rich and I were getting ready for bed he said, "it's going to be interesting when you die and go to the other side and see all those animals that you have tried to make their lives better." I hope the angels in Heaven know my heart is in the right place. While I was looking for a quote from Spencer W. Kimball on the treatment of animals I came across this one from an anonymous writer. It says, "Be glad there are big hurdles in life and rejoice, too, that they may be higher than most people can surmount. Be happy they are numerous, it is those hurdles that give you a chance to work your way to the front of the crowd. They are your friends. For if it were not for high hurdles, many men might be able to outrun you." I have never been the one to be glad for the high hurdles in my life. Health challenges and losing Kamber have especially taken a huge toll on my ability to cope with these hurdles in life. There was another little saying I liked, "You make your life what you want it to be." So it's up to me to carry on, even during spring break.

How Did Spencer Get So Old?

On Monday my baby boy turned 29 years old. As my kids keep getting older, so do Rich and I.  When he was here last time, I asked him if there was anything I could do for him. He mumbled something about making him a UofA sheet to put on his table he uses when he treats people with his MAT. After they left I felt inspired to take all the t-shirts I had collected of his four year college football career and make them into a quilt. I spent all my spare time for the last three weeks sewing and quilting and I really wanted him to get it on his birthday.  Last week was so crazy birthing puppies, that I didn't get it done until Wednesday. So off I went to UPS to mail this "thing of beauty" to Boston. I told the guy it needed to get there by March 4th and when he told me it would cost $69.95 I almost fainted. If I could wait until March 6th it would only be $19.95. We don't have a money tree out in the backyard to pick off of and Rich works mighty hard for his money, so I'm hoping he will get it today before the storm of all storms hits the East Coast. I have been trying really hard to concentrate on my thoughts and rein them in a bit. I find myself worrying about the future that I have NO control over. I worry about my parents, kids, grand kids and feel guilty that Rich, at almost 60 years-old still puts in twelve hour days to provide for us. As he left for work this morning I could see the stress in his face. I can't imagine having ten different families depending on me to keep a business going so they can survive. If I think about it too much I could make myself mentally sick, again. As I get older, sometimes I feel like I'm not doing what I am suppose to be doing. Is this really what life is all about? Doing the same chores over and over again, day after day? I was telling Rich last night that sometimes I feel like there isn't anything to look forward to anymore. It was fun with Spencer playing in the NFL to read about the teams and what was going on and now there isn't even that in our lives anymore. Life is changing as we try and endure those adversities we are given and serve where needed. Now if I could just find me a money tree, that would solve all my problems.

What Cross Are You Carrying?

For the last couple of months the weeks have just flown by. With the holidays and then the baby shower I hosted, my life was out of control. Every week I would think, "next week will be better or easier." That never happened as the stress just kept mounting. This week we had two momma dogs have puppies. The first one breezed through labor and delivery and so far the puppies look amazing. The other dog went in to labor but had complications, so I spent most of Wednesday in the vet's office while they did a C-Section on her. There were seven puppies, four of which were born with various birth defects and died. The other three were born with some issues with breathing, as we think they are a little bit premature. They have been staying with a friend who has experience with these kinds of issues with feeding puppies born too soon. This morning as I went out to feed my flock I was reflective of this week and my life in general. Why is it that sometimes things go as planned and everything works out and other times we have these trials that seem to come out of nowhere? Spencer called the other day and is not going back to the Patriots. He had a two year contract but that doesn't mean anything in the NFL. So now they need to make some important decisions. Hopefully this will get them back to the West where it would be easier to go visit them. He is smart and I know he and Annie will get an opportunity to move on, no matter what that may be. I never have liked the Patriots anyway, so I'm happy as can be. As I think of all the problems in the world and even within my own family, I wonder "why" do we have these challenges? I found this little book while unstacking my sitting room. It is called "The Power of Adversity." As I read I came upon a section called, "There is Power in Laboring under Your Cross." "What kind of cross do you bear? What is its shape, weight, size, or dimension? We all have them. Some are very visible, while others are not always evident. Sometimes the heaviest personal cross could be to carry no cross at all. Some of the crosses we bear are these: the cross of loneliness; the cross of physical limitations--the loss of a leg, an arm, hearing, seeing, mobility--obvious crosses. Maybe the cross of poor health; the cross of transgression; the cross of success; the cross of temptation; the cross of beauty, fame, or wealth; the cross of financial burndens' the cross of criticism; the cross of peer rejection. Anyway at the end he says, "Carry your crosses with strength, with purpose, and while you do, count the blessings of God's strength." Marvin J. Ashton. So we are all here to suffer under some kind of cross, now being of good cheer is a little bit harder for me to do, but I'm trying really hard.

Beauty School or Veterinary?

Reagan

                                                                           Trulie

                                                                Tristyn and Tayler

Forty years ago when I graduated from high school I had big dreams.  I wanted to go to hair school and learn how to cut and style hair. I also thought about veterinary school because of my love for animals. My parents made it clear that they wanted all of us to get degrees from college and they would pay for it as long as we studied and did well. My parents were both teachers so they thought it would be a good career for me. So off I went spending six years going to three different universities before I graduated with a B of A in Education. There is nothing wrong with that, except while doing my student teaching at Arcadia High School I realized that teaching wasn't my thing. I hated trying to teach high school kids how to play sports. I loved the competition but hated the teaching part. I ended up getting married and having my own kids to work with at sports but it wasn't the same. I look at some of my friends who are still working and supporting themselves and I wish I would have followed my dream. On the weekends I usually go to one of my grand kids sporting events. This last Sat. we went to watch Tayler. She is a tall girl with the potential to be very good. I wish I was physically able to put all that education to good use but the rules of the sports have changed since the 70's anyway. Yesterday morning when I went out to feed my animals Spencer's yellow lab Trixie came running up panting and acting very strange. I knew she was close to her due date and was sure she was in labor. I made a little bed for her in the spare bathroom with towels and sheets and she started the puppy delivery business. By 11:30 a.m. she had her first puppy, it's magical to see an animal give birth, and especially a first time mom and the God given instincts they have. By the afternoon she had nine puppies that were hungry and whining. I thought I was going to have a breakdown at this point. At 3:30 in the afternoon her 10th puppy was born dead. I was so sad but was concentrating on the live ones. From 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Trixie had contractions and tried and tried to delivery her eleventh puppy. I finally called the vet who is a friend and he came by to check on her. By the time he finally got here, she had delivered the puppy and it was dead also. What the heck, the puppies were all so perfect but the vet said they had been dead for awhile. Poor Trixie started up contracting again and pushed and pushed until around 10:00 p.m. when she delivered her 12th puppy and it was also dead. She had a dozen puppies, six boys and six girls, but only nine survived. When I went to bed last night I was so exhausted and my head was pounding. I realized that maybe the veterinary thing may not have been up my alley either. I was destined to be a mom, and an animal lover, and the pay just isn't that good for either of those.

"Is It True Or Real?

I have had a busy week with life in general. I'm trying to get motivated to keep up with everything after having the shower two weeks ago. I tend to go on vacation for a time after a stressful event but think I'm coming back. We had a fun day with Mindi on Tuesday. She and Dave have really close birthdays on the 17 and 19th. A friend of hers offered to take care of Trulie the Tornado, so we spent a fun day going to lunch and shopping. All my kids are special to me but Mindi has been my saving grace. When I first got really sick she was around the age to start driving. She wanted to learn and I needed some help. I started having panic attacks and severe dizziness when I was driving, so she became my chauffeur. Now I see that I should have fought off those symptoms more so that I didn't become another stress for her. She is a great mother and a wonderful daughter. I know some of her friends have said, "I could never live with my mother." It isn't an ideal thing, but somehow we make it work. She not only takes care of her husband, house and kids, but she has a mother that depends on her too. My Dad always calls her his hero because of her unselfishness. I can't believe she turned thirty-six, how can my children be getting so old? The third chapter of my little book I'm reading asks the question, "Is it true or real? Whatever we believe becomes true for us." It is so hard to try and change your thoughts. I know I have beaten myself up a lot about all my faults, so I'm trying really hard to practice that self-love she talked about in the first chapter. Dang it's hard. "Truth is the unchangeable part of me."

"Taking Responsibility"

I'm glad last week is behind me because I spent most of it in a very dark place where I visit too frequently. It seems like stress makes some of my demons come to the surface and make me miserable. While reading my book I came across a quote that reminded me of myself. "When we blame someone else, we are not taking responsibility for ourselves." I spent all weekend attending sporting events of my grandchildren. I had two boys playing in a football tournament on Saturday and then Tristyn has been playing in the Arizona Festival Volleyball Tournament at the Cardinals stadium in Glendale. I decided yesterday that I would stay home today and try and get rid of the headache that's been brewing all week and hopefully get some things done around the house. My Mom called the other morning like she usually does to see how everything is going around here. My Dad seems to be doing better as he painted the back of their house and his appetite is slowly coming back. His cancer counts have gone down lower than they have been in a long time and it looks like our prayers are being answered at this time. It is so fun to go and listen to him laugh and smile and be himself, it wasn't fun seeing him sit like a zombie in a chair vegetating. My Mom told me a funny story about what happened a few nights ago. She went in to practice her piano. I don't know why at 83 she still takes piano lessons, but I admire her. She thought she would lie down on the couch for a quick rest and fell asleep. Before she knew it there were eight firemen and paramedics there in the house. My poor Dad had called 911 when he couldn't wake her up. He has often told me that he is afraid that someday she will just fall asleep and pass away. Anyway, we got a good laugh out of that. I asked her if they were "good looking" guys. She said, "they were all just darling, they looked a lot like Ethan," my oldest son. Hopefully this week will be better and I can stay out of the toilet and take responsibility for my own thoughts and actions.

"Loving The Self"

My daughter Candi was telling me about a book one of her clients had suggested for her to read. When she told me the title, "You Can Heal Your Life," I remembered I had bought it a long time ago. It was first printed in 1984 the year Spencer was born, so it's been around awhile. I'm sure when I first got sick someone suggested it to me. I was curious so I pulled it out and started reading it yesterday. I'm only on the second chapter but it mainly talks about how our thoughts create illnesses and if you can change your thought process you can heal your life. That sounds so simple, but after almost 60 years of negative thinking it's going to take more than that to heal me. Anyway, this morning I read about "Loving the Self." Self love is "about having a great respect for ourselves and a gratitude for the miracle of our body and our mind." Finally at the end of the chapter she talks about her sessions with some of her clients and after going through a whole list of things that are wrong with them, they finally just say, "I am not good enough." It made me think about my childhood with really well meaning parents who wanted their children to be perfect. Then I had the same feelings about my kids, I thought they would be perfect too. When that was shattered about a thousand times it made me have self doubts about my ability to be a good mother. I feel I did my best at the time but there is always that old, "I'm not good enough" that keeps creeping in. So for Valentine's Day I'm going to try and be a little bit easier on myself and practice some self love and give myself what others can't give me. I was so sad that I lost all the pictures I took over the weekend. I asked Jenn if she could send me over some pictures at the cemetery of the grand kids. She also found one of me holding Kamber just minutes after she was born. I will always cherish that one.

Shower and Kamber's Birthday

I knew it was going to be a bad Monday when I asked Mindi to help me delete some pictures off my camera so I don't keep downloading the same pictures on to the computer. She misunderstood me and deleted all the pictures I took this weekend of the shower and the family at the cemetery. Why does life seem so hard right now? The shower was wonderful and she got such a good turnout. I spent most of the time in the kitchen keeping up with the food and visiting with those I knew, so I didn't really see what she got. All I know is that her car was so full there was barely anywhere for her to sit. Yesterday was Kamber's 7th birthday. I knew it was going to be an emotional day for me and I thought I was prepared, but I guess these are trials we just can't really prepare for. After church we all met at the cemetery and cleaned off her headstone and decorated her grave. Then everyone came over for dinner and cake and ice cream. I can't believe it has already been almost five years since she went back to heaven, how can that be? As I was talking to my Mom on the phone and telling her our plans for her birthday my Mom said, "Kamber was such a darling. She didn't need to stay that long and she's up with Grandma Fern celebrating, I'm sure." When I was lying awake last night I was wondering if that is true. Is Kamber with Grandma? Is she aware of how much we miss her and hope to see her again? Yesterday we all wore purple to church in honor of Kamber. Mindi and I were in Sharing Time in Primary with the kids. As they were singing the songs I was trying to picture Kamber in there singing. The girl that leads the children told them if they would listen to the words they would know that what they were singing was true. I know I felt it so I hope they did too. Anyway, I'm trying to find someone who has some pictures of the shower so I can put them here on my blog, but take my word for it, it was beautiful and I'm so glad it's over.

Seven More Days

I feel like I'm running a marathon as I've been trying to get my house ready for a baby shower I'm hosting on Saturday. I wish I could be motivated all the time to just keep things up rather than killing myself for a certain occasion. Rich has been so busy with work and church that he's paying the price now too, as he's had painters here all week doing the front of the house where the Arizona sun has eaten the paint off. I told him that after the shower I'm taking a week off to relax and hopefully make a quilt. Yesterday was "senior citizen" day at the grocery stores and even JoAnn's, so I spent most of the day shopping. As we were leaving Fry's I told Mindi, "I never thought I would be parking in the handicapped spot buying groceries on senior discount day." She likes it because she is the coupon queen and loves saving money. On Tuesday night I had a feeling I needed to call my Dad and see how he was doing. When he answered the phone I could tell he wasn't doing well. My Mom continues to work at the Temple two nights a week, so he's there at home by himself. He's always been such a strong person, full of faith and an unwavering testimony. As we talked he became emotional as he voiced his feelings of being left at home sick, as my Mom continues to serve. It brought up some really strong emotions in me as I have spent many a night home alone as Rich has served in his church callings. I know that the chemotherapy has been really hard on him and it has changed who he is and how he feels. He is in the proverbial spot "between a rock and a hard place." Without the chemo he will surely die soon, but it makes him feel so terrible and sick, life really isn't worth living. We continue to pray that his life will be spared until Len and Julie get home from their mission and so far our prayers have been answered. Yesterday when we went in to the grocery store there was a big sign that said, "8 days until Valentines Day." I turned to Mindi and said, "there you go, we only have 8 more days until our favorite day. . .other than Mother's Day of course." That is a big joke with us. Anyway, while reading in my book by Elder Bednar, "Act in Doctrine" he quotes President Monson when he said, "Often we assume that the people around us must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know . . .We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us." I'm so bad at telling my family how much I love them, I MUST do better. I have 7 more days until that glorious holiday to tell them.

It's Hard Being a Rattlesnake

Yesterday I got a call from a friend who needed to borrow some books from me. She is teaching a lesson in Relief Society on the Atonement next month and wanted to get started searching for information for her lesson. I was looking for a particular book so I called some family members to see if they had this book. As I was visiting with someone, we were talking about a difficult situation she is in. It reminded me of a story in one of the books I have read about a man who was dying. The doctors didn't give him much hope to survive but they really couldn't find anything wrong with him. As this man went to visit him he realized that this man had been severely abused by his father and hadn't spoken to him since he was fourteen years old. He then told him the story about an experiment that was conducted at a rattlesnake farm in Salem, Oregon. "One of the caretakers took one of his large rattlesnakes and put a forked stick behind its head so it could not coil to strike. Then he began to tantalize it with small chicks and other food. The snake kept trying to coil unsuccessfully, and venom dripped quite freely from its fangs. Within minutes the snake stiffened and died." "The Caretaker then commented that a rattlesnake can stand just about anything except its own venom. When it cannot discharge the venom as fast as it is produced, it dies of its own accumulated poison." This story reminds me of myself sometimes. Last night at five o'clock Rich informed me he had committed to taking the Sister Missionaries to the Temple to watch a movie with an investigator. My Monday evenings are busy with"The Biggest Loser, and "Bachelor," I didn't really want to go to the Temple but Rich couldn't take them by himself. So off to the Temple we went and had a wonderful time watching the movie about Joseph Smith. Rich commented this morning on how easy our lives are compared to the pioneers. I don't know about him, but I think it's been pretty hard being a rattlesnake.

"Grandmas Against Guns?"

It's been a week since the Boston Larsens went home. Time is moving faster and faster the older I get. Yesterday I went shopping with my sister. We have both been on a diet for over a year now. Last week at our appointments, she stayed the same and I lost two pounds of the ten I had gained back last summer. I seem to do better in the cooler months because my mood is a little bit brighter. Anyway, Mell needs some smaller clothes and I love to shop, so I went with her. On the way home I realized I hadn't found one thing to spend Rich's money on and I knew he would be so proud of me. Besides, how many sweaters does an Arizona girl need anyway? I have been so sad about all the shootings around the country. I asked Rich last night how someone can get so out of control that they would use a gun to take someones life. After the school shootings in Connecticut I told him I wanted to start a "Grandmas against Guns" club. After listening to me for a minute he said, "what are you going to call it GAG?" He thinks he's pretty funny and sometimes he is, but this gun thing is getting scary.This morning as I was pondering about all this violence I thought of when I was in school. I would have never thought someone would bring a weapon to school and hurt me. The really bad kids would sneak around and smoke and maybe "make out." I look at my grandchildren and worry about the world they live in. I'm smart enough to know that it isn't the guns that are the problem, but it must be the lack of teaching morals in our families and schools. I know we have to walk in faith every day and hope that we will be inspired to do what is right and that we will be protected. Being fearful doesn't really help I've been there my whole life. I guess we can just live day to day praying for the angels to watch over our little ones and teach kindness when we can.