"Have Mercy on Me"

Last week was probably one of the hardest ones I've had in a long time. Having three sets of puppies and five kids home for spring break was almost more than I could take. Not to mention the two acres of grass and weeds that we were expected to mow down after a month of irrigation and rain. I was out of control most of the week and into the weekend. When the kids went back to school yesterday you didn't see any of us crying around here. We had a million errands to run, Michael's, Wal Mart,the feed store, the bank, Sprouts the water store and on and on. As I went out to feed my flock I had the first hint of orange blossom scent. As I walked around the property, taking pictures of all the blossoms on our trees, it took me back to my childhood. I grew up in Scottsdale but most of my extended family lived in Mesa. My maternal grandma lived in downtown Mesa a few blocks from the Temple. I remember driving over to visit her with the windows down breathing in all the smells of spring. I remember playing in her yard and not wanting to go home because of the freshness of the air there. I've been reflective lately about my life. How does a nice girl like me get into such messes? Why do I let people offend me when they are just as flawed as the rest of us. I had a friend share a scripture with me the other day that I'm trying to use in my life. It's Alma 36:18 in the Book of Mormon, it reads, "Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart; O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death." Since Kamber passed away and I had my hip replacement, plus other trials, I feel sometimes like I need the The Savior to just have mercy on me as I walk my pathway through this mortality. Do you have any scriptures to help you through this experience?

"I Approve of Myself"

About a year ago when I was in one of my dark "in the toilet" kind of days, I heard a voice tell me that I need to "take my power back." I didn't quite understand what that meant, so when I was talking to my friend I asked him what that was suppose to teach me. He told me that when we let others destroy our self esteem and make us act and feel a way other than our divine self, we need to take back our power. I did it again this week. I fell in the trap. The trap that is in my own thoughts that makes me take a situation and send me to hell. This morning as I was reading my little book, yes, I'm still trying to "heal my life", she was talking about positive affirmations. This week has been so crazy with the kids home from school that it has taken me out of the game of saying, "I approve of myself." I'm suppose to say that a bazillion times a day and I forgot, dang it. I remember Spencer telling me a while back that he had come across a chaplain who is all about meditation and affirmations. He uses it all the time to just let his mind go and try and commune with a higher being. I have never really been in to this stuff but lately it seems like everything I come across talks about the power of changing our thoughts, which in turn changes our ability to cope with life. Boy would that be great, not falling into all those traps that are put in my path. So today I am studying on how to meditate and tell myself  how great my life is and try and get out of this trap I'm caught in. At the end of this chapter she says, "Love who and what you are and what you do."  That sounds great to me, I have a long ways to go on that one.

Spring Break Isn't Really a Break for Me

Back in the olden days I don't remember having Fall and Spring Break. Maybe we did and I just don't remember, but my parents were both school teachers and I don't think we had many breaks until summer. I spent most yesterday outside while we were trying to do a service project. We thought it would be good to have the kids work on mowing, weed eating and cleaning up the backyard. It was probably the most frustrating thing I have done in a long time. Trying to keep three boys ages 6-12 and an 18 month old on task was impossible. We had lawn mower problems and ran out of string on the weed eater. Of course Rich and Dave are no where in sight, as they are on jobs trying to keep us in groceries and a roof over our heads. We are having record high temperatures so by the afternoon the kids were hot and wanted to swim. The water in the pool is still freezing but after telling them "NO" a hundred times we gave up. Jenn happened to bring her kids over to see the puppies and play with the cousins, so we let the kids in the pool. The bigger kids swam around and the little kids just played in the baby pool. Poor Max stripped down into his birthday suit before we could get a swimmer on him. We have lots of work to do this summer getting the little ones pool safe. I know we couldn't live through another tragedy that took our sweet Kamber from us five years ago. It will be good next week to get back to normal with the kids back to school. The only problem is there is only a few more weeks until the summer and then everyday will be like this. Spring Break is really just a break from what little sanity I have left.

"You Make Your Life What You Want It To Be"

This week is spring break for the kids here in Gilbert. It may be a break for the kids, but it just makes life harder for the Moms. We have been busy this morning cleaning up and working around the house. After two and a half hours of irrigation and then a storm that dropped over a half inch of rain, we are pretty muddy around here. It was 58 degrees last Friday and by Thursday it will be in the 90's. We went from winter to summer in a weeks time. On Friday our little Shih Tzu dog had six brown puppies. That makes three litters of puppies, seventeen total. I woke up this morning at 4:00 a.m. with a killer headache.  I think it's all a self induced kind of stress thing. The time might be coming soon for me to get out of the animal business. I'm going to be sixty this year and with my bad hip it complicates everything I do. I spend so much time taking care of the animals and making sure everything is clean and fed, that I'm really not enjoying life anymore. I want to be able to work on some of my quilts and maybe even finish one for my bed. Anyway, I'm just having a little "pity party" for myself right now, can you tell?  It seems like I've been taking care of either kids or animals for way too long and I may be burning out just a bit. Is it time yet for me to sit in a rocking chair eating bon bons and grapes and having someone fan me all day long? Last week as Rich and I were getting ready for bed he said, "it's going to be interesting when you die and go to the other side and see all those animals that you have tried to make their lives better." I hope the angels in Heaven know my heart is in the right place. While I was looking for a quote from Spencer W. Kimball on the treatment of animals I came across this one from an anonymous writer. It says, "Be glad there are big hurdles in life and rejoice, too, that they may be higher than most people can surmount. Be happy they are numerous, it is those hurdles that give you a chance to work your way to the front of the crowd. They are your friends. For if it were not for high hurdles, many men might be able to outrun you." I have never been the one to be glad for the high hurdles in my life. Health challenges and losing Kamber have especially taken a huge toll on my ability to cope with these hurdles in life. There was another little saying I liked, "You make your life what you want it to be." So it's up to me to carry on, even during spring break.

How Did Spencer Get So Old?

On Monday my baby boy turned 29 years old. As my kids keep getting older, so do Rich and I.  When he was here last time, I asked him if there was anything I could do for him. He mumbled something about making him a UofA sheet to put on his table he uses when he treats people with his MAT. After they left I felt inspired to take all the t-shirts I had collected of his four year college football career and make them into a quilt. I spent all my spare time for the last three weeks sewing and quilting and I really wanted him to get it on his birthday.  Last week was so crazy birthing puppies, that I didn't get it done until Wednesday. So off I went to UPS to mail this "thing of beauty" to Boston. I told the guy it needed to get there by March 4th and when he told me it would cost $69.95 I almost fainted. If I could wait until March 6th it would only be $19.95. We don't have a money tree out in the backyard to pick off of and Rich works mighty hard for his money, so I'm hoping he will get it today before the storm of all storms hits the East Coast. I have been trying really hard to concentrate on my thoughts and rein them in a bit. I find myself worrying about the future that I have NO control over. I worry about my parents, kids, grand kids and feel guilty that Rich, at almost 60 years-old still puts in twelve hour days to provide for us. As he left for work this morning I could see the stress in his face. I can't imagine having ten different families depending on me to keep a business going so they can survive. If I think about it too much I could make myself mentally sick, again. As I get older, sometimes I feel like I'm not doing what I am suppose to be doing. Is this really what life is all about? Doing the same chores over and over again, day after day? I was telling Rich last night that sometimes I feel like there isn't anything to look forward to anymore. It was fun with Spencer playing in the NFL to read about the teams and what was going on and now there isn't even that in our lives anymore. Life is changing as we try and endure those adversities we are given and serve where needed. Now if I could just find me a money tree, that would solve all my problems.

What Cross Are You Carrying?

For the last couple of months the weeks have just flown by. With the holidays and then the baby shower I hosted, my life was out of control. Every week I would think, "next week will be better or easier." That never happened as the stress just kept mounting. This week we had two momma dogs have puppies. The first one breezed through labor and delivery and so far the puppies look amazing. The other dog went in to labor but had complications, so I spent most of Wednesday in the vet's office while they did a C-Section on her. There were seven puppies, four of which were born with various birth defects and died. The other three were born with some issues with breathing, as we think they are a little bit premature. They have been staying with a friend who has experience with these kinds of issues with feeding puppies born too soon. This morning as I went out to feed my flock I was reflective of this week and my life in general. Why is it that sometimes things go as planned and everything works out and other times we have these trials that seem to come out of nowhere? Spencer called the other day and is not going back to the Patriots. He had a two year contract but that doesn't mean anything in the NFL. So now they need to make some important decisions. Hopefully this will get them back to the West where it would be easier to go visit them. He is smart and I know he and Annie will get an opportunity to move on, no matter what that may be. I never have liked the Patriots anyway, so I'm happy as can be. As I think of all the problems in the world and even within my own family, I wonder "why" do we have these challenges? I found this little book while unstacking my sitting room. It is called "The Power of Adversity." As I read I came upon a section called, "There is Power in Laboring under Your Cross." "What kind of cross do you bear? What is its shape, weight, size, or dimension? We all have them. Some are very visible, while others are not always evident. Sometimes the heaviest personal cross could be to carry no cross at all. Some of the crosses we bear are these: the cross of loneliness; the cross of physical limitations--the loss of a leg, an arm, hearing, seeing, mobility--obvious crosses. Maybe the cross of poor health; the cross of transgression; the cross of success; the cross of temptation; the cross of beauty, fame, or wealth; the cross of financial burndens' the cross of criticism; the cross of peer rejection. Anyway at the end he says, "Carry your crosses with strength, with purpose, and while you do, count the blessings of God's strength." Marvin J. Ashton. So we are all here to suffer under some kind of cross, now being of good cheer is a little bit harder for me to do, but I'm trying really hard.

Beauty School or Veterinary?

Reagan

                                                                           Trulie

                                                                Tristyn and Tayler

Forty years ago when I graduated from high school I had big dreams.  I wanted to go to hair school and learn how to cut and style hair. I also thought about veterinary school because of my love for animals. My parents made it clear that they wanted all of us to get degrees from college and they would pay for it as long as we studied and did well. My parents were both teachers so they thought it would be a good career for me. So off I went spending six years going to three different universities before I graduated with a B of A in Education. There is nothing wrong with that, except while doing my student teaching at Arcadia High School I realized that teaching wasn't my thing. I hated trying to teach high school kids how to play sports. I loved the competition but hated the teaching part. I ended up getting married and having my own kids to work with at sports but it wasn't the same. I look at some of my friends who are still working and supporting themselves and I wish I would have followed my dream. On the weekends I usually go to one of my grand kids sporting events. This last Sat. we went to watch Tayler. She is a tall girl with the potential to be very good. I wish I was physically able to put all that education to good use but the rules of the sports have changed since the 70's anyway. Yesterday morning when I went out to feed my animals Spencer's yellow lab Trixie came running up panting and acting very strange. I knew she was close to her due date and was sure she was in labor. I made a little bed for her in the spare bathroom with towels and sheets and she started the puppy delivery business. By 11:30 a.m. she had her first puppy, it's magical to see an animal give birth, and especially a first time mom and the God given instincts they have. By the afternoon she had nine puppies that were hungry and whining. I thought I was going to have a breakdown at this point. At 3:30 in the afternoon her 10th puppy was born dead. I was so sad but was concentrating on the live ones. From 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Trixie had contractions and tried and tried to delivery her eleventh puppy. I finally called the vet who is a friend and he came by to check on her. By the time he finally got here, she had delivered the puppy and it was dead also. What the heck, the puppies were all so perfect but the vet said they had been dead for awhile. Poor Trixie started up contracting again and pushed and pushed until around 10:00 p.m. when she delivered her 12th puppy and it was also dead. She had a dozen puppies, six boys and six girls, but only nine survived. When I went to bed last night I was so exhausted and my head was pounding. I realized that maybe the veterinary thing may not have been up my alley either. I was destined to be a mom, and an animal lover, and the pay just isn't that good for either of those.

"Is It True Or Real?

I have had a busy week with life in general. I'm trying to get motivated to keep up with everything after having the shower two weeks ago. I tend to go on vacation for a time after a stressful event but think I'm coming back. We had a fun day with Mindi on Tuesday. She and Dave have really close birthdays on the 17 and 19th. A friend of hers offered to take care of Trulie the Tornado, so we spent a fun day going to lunch and shopping. All my kids are special to me but Mindi has been my saving grace. When I first got really sick she was around the age to start driving. She wanted to learn and I needed some help. I started having panic attacks and severe dizziness when I was driving, so she became my chauffeur. Now I see that I should have fought off those symptoms more so that I didn't become another stress for her. She is a great mother and a wonderful daughter. I know some of her friends have said, "I could never live with my mother." It isn't an ideal thing, but somehow we make it work. She not only takes care of her husband, house and kids, but she has a mother that depends on her too. My Dad always calls her his hero because of her unselfishness. I can't believe she turned thirty-six, how can my children be getting so old? The third chapter of my little book I'm reading asks the question, "Is it true or real? Whatever we believe becomes true for us." It is so hard to try and change your thoughts. I know I have beaten myself up a lot about all my faults, so I'm trying really hard to practice that self-love she talked about in the first chapter. Dang it's hard. "Truth is the unchangeable part of me."

"Taking Responsibility"

I'm glad last week is behind me because I spent most of it in a very dark place where I visit too frequently. It seems like stress makes some of my demons come to the surface and make me miserable. While reading my book I came across a quote that reminded me of myself. "When we blame someone else, we are not taking responsibility for ourselves." I spent all weekend attending sporting events of my grandchildren. I had two boys playing in a football tournament on Saturday and then Tristyn has been playing in the Arizona Festival Volleyball Tournament at the Cardinals stadium in Glendale. I decided yesterday that I would stay home today and try and get rid of the headache that's been brewing all week and hopefully get some things done around the house. My Mom called the other morning like she usually does to see how everything is going around here. My Dad seems to be doing better as he painted the back of their house and his appetite is slowly coming back. His cancer counts have gone down lower than they have been in a long time and it looks like our prayers are being answered at this time. It is so fun to go and listen to him laugh and smile and be himself, it wasn't fun seeing him sit like a zombie in a chair vegetating. My Mom told me a funny story about what happened a few nights ago. She went in to practice her piano. I don't know why at 83 she still takes piano lessons, but I admire her. She thought she would lie down on the couch for a quick rest and fell asleep. Before she knew it there were eight firemen and paramedics there in the house. My poor Dad had called 911 when he couldn't wake her up. He has often told me that he is afraid that someday she will just fall asleep and pass away. Anyway, we got a good laugh out of that. I asked her if they were "good looking" guys. She said, "they were all just darling, they looked a lot like Ethan," my oldest son. Hopefully this week will be better and I can stay out of the toilet and take responsibility for my own thoughts and actions.

"Loving The Self"

My daughter Candi was telling me about a book one of her clients had suggested for her to read. When she told me the title, "You Can Heal Your Life," I remembered I had bought it a long time ago. It was first printed in 1984 the year Spencer was born, so it's been around awhile. I'm sure when I first got sick someone suggested it to me. I was curious so I pulled it out and started reading it yesterday. I'm only on the second chapter but it mainly talks about how our thoughts create illnesses and if you can change your thought process you can heal your life. That sounds so simple, but after almost 60 years of negative thinking it's going to take more than that to heal me. Anyway, this morning I read about "Loving the Self." Self love is "about having a great respect for ourselves and a gratitude for the miracle of our body and our mind." Finally at the end of the chapter she talks about her sessions with some of her clients and after going through a whole list of things that are wrong with them, they finally just say, "I am not good enough." It made me think about my childhood with really well meaning parents who wanted their children to be perfect. Then I had the same feelings about my kids, I thought they would be perfect too. When that was shattered about a thousand times it made me have self doubts about my ability to be a good mother. I feel I did my best at the time but there is always that old, "I'm not good enough" that keeps creeping in. So for Valentine's Day I'm going to try and be a little bit easier on myself and practice some self love and give myself what others can't give me. I was so sad that I lost all the pictures I took over the weekend. I asked Jenn if she could send me over some pictures at the cemetery of the grand kids. She also found one of me holding Kamber just minutes after she was born. I will always cherish that one.

Shower and Kamber's Birthday

I knew it was going to be a bad Monday when I asked Mindi to help me delete some pictures off my camera so I don't keep downloading the same pictures on to the computer. She misunderstood me and deleted all the pictures I took this weekend of the shower and the family at the cemetery. Why does life seem so hard right now? The shower was wonderful and she got such a good turnout. I spent most of the time in the kitchen keeping up with the food and visiting with those I knew, so I didn't really see what she got. All I know is that her car was so full there was barely anywhere for her to sit. Yesterday was Kamber's 7th birthday. I knew it was going to be an emotional day for me and I thought I was prepared, but I guess these are trials we just can't really prepare for. After church we all met at the cemetery and cleaned off her headstone and decorated her grave. Then everyone came over for dinner and cake and ice cream. I can't believe it has already been almost five years since she went back to heaven, how can that be? As I was talking to my Mom on the phone and telling her our plans for her birthday my Mom said, "Kamber was such a darling. She didn't need to stay that long and she's up with Grandma Fern celebrating, I'm sure." When I was lying awake last night I was wondering if that is true. Is Kamber with Grandma? Is she aware of how much we miss her and hope to see her again? Yesterday we all wore purple to church in honor of Kamber. Mindi and I were in Sharing Time in Primary with the kids. As they were singing the songs I was trying to picture Kamber in there singing. The girl that leads the children told them if they would listen to the words they would know that what they were singing was true. I know I felt it so I hope they did too. Anyway, I'm trying to find someone who has some pictures of the shower so I can put them here on my blog, but take my word for it, it was beautiful and I'm so glad it's over.

Seven More Days

I feel like I'm running a marathon as I've been trying to get my house ready for a baby shower I'm hosting on Saturday. I wish I could be motivated all the time to just keep things up rather than killing myself for a certain occasion. Rich has been so busy with work and church that he's paying the price now too, as he's had painters here all week doing the front of the house where the Arizona sun has eaten the paint off. I told him that after the shower I'm taking a week off to relax and hopefully make a quilt. Yesterday was "senior citizen" day at the grocery stores and even JoAnn's, so I spent most of the day shopping. As we were leaving Fry's I told Mindi, "I never thought I would be parking in the handicapped spot buying groceries on senior discount day." She likes it because she is the coupon queen and loves saving money. On Tuesday night I had a feeling I needed to call my Dad and see how he was doing. When he answered the phone I could tell he wasn't doing well. My Mom continues to work at the Temple two nights a week, so he's there at home by himself. He's always been such a strong person, full of faith and an unwavering testimony. As we talked he became emotional as he voiced his feelings of being left at home sick, as my Mom continues to serve. It brought up some really strong emotions in me as I have spent many a night home alone as Rich has served in his church callings. I know that the chemotherapy has been really hard on him and it has changed who he is and how he feels. He is in the proverbial spot "between a rock and a hard place." Without the chemo he will surely die soon, but it makes him feel so terrible and sick, life really isn't worth living. We continue to pray that his life will be spared until Len and Julie get home from their mission and so far our prayers have been answered. Yesterday when we went in to the grocery store there was a big sign that said, "8 days until Valentines Day." I turned to Mindi and said, "there you go, we only have 8 more days until our favorite day. . .other than Mother's Day of course." That is a big joke with us. Anyway, while reading in my book by Elder Bednar, "Act in Doctrine" he quotes President Monson when he said, "Often we assume that the people around us must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know . . .We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us." I'm so bad at telling my family how much I love them, I MUST do better. I have 7 more days until that glorious holiday to tell them.

It's Hard Being a Rattlesnake

Yesterday I got a call from a friend who needed to borrow some books from me. She is teaching a lesson in Relief Society on the Atonement next month and wanted to get started searching for information for her lesson. I was looking for a particular book so I called some family members to see if they had this book. As I was visiting with someone, we were talking about a difficult situation she is in. It reminded me of a story in one of the books I have read about a man who was dying. The doctors didn't give him much hope to survive but they really couldn't find anything wrong with him. As this man went to visit him he realized that this man had been severely abused by his father and hadn't spoken to him since he was fourteen years old. He then told him the story about an experiment that was conducted at a rattlesnake farm in Salem, Oregon. "One of the caretakers took one of his large rattlesnakes and put a forked stick behind its head so it could not coil to strike. Then he began to tantalize it with small chicks and other food. The snake kept trying to coil unsuccessfully, and venom dripped quite freely from its fangs. Within minutes the snake stiffened and died." "The Caretaker then commented that a rattlesnake can stand just about anything except its own venom. When it cannot discharge the venom as fast as it is produced, it dies of its own accumulated poison." This story reminds me of myself sometimes. Last night at five o'clock Rich informed me he had committed to taking the Sister Missionaries to the Temple to watch a movie with an investigator. My Monday evenings are busy with"The Biggest Loser, and "Bachelor," I didn't really want to go to the Temple but Rich couldn't take them by himself. So off to the Temple we went and had a wonderful time watching the movie about Joseph Smith. Rich commented this morning on how easy our lives are compared to the pioneers. I don't know about him, but I think it's been pretty hard being a rattlesnake.

"Grandmas Against Guns?"

It's been a week since the Boston Larsens went home. Time is moving faster and faster the older I get. Yesterday I went shopping with my sister. We have both been on a diet for over a year now. Last week at our appointments, she stayed the same and I lost two pounds of the ten I had gained back last summer. I seem to do better in the cooler months because my mood is a little bit brighter. Anyway, Mell needs some smaller clothes and I love to shop, so I went with her. On the way home I realized I hadn't found one thing to spend Rich's money on and I knew he would be so proud of me. Besides, how many sweaters does an Arizona girl need anyway? I have been so sad about all the shootings around the country. I asked Rich last night how someone can get so out of control that they would use a gun to take someones life. After the school shootings in Connecticut I told him I wanted to start a "Grandmas against Guns" club. After listening to me for a minute he said, "what are you going to call it GAG?" He thinks he's pretty funny and sometimes he is, but this gun thing is getting scary.This morning as I was pondering about all this violence I thought of when I was in school. I would have never thought someone would bring a weapon to school and hurt me. The really bad kids would sneak around and smoke and maybe "make out." I look at my grandchildren and worry about the world they live in. I'm smart enough to know that it isn't the guns that are the problem, but it must be the lack of teaching morals in our families and schools. I know we have to walk in faith every day and hope that we will be inspired to do what is right and that we will be protected. Being fearful doesn't really help I've been there my whole life. I guess we can just live day to day praying for the angels to watch over our little ones and teach kindness when we can.

Happy Birthday to Dad

I woke up this morning at 4 a.m. with a bad headache. What the bleep is wrong with me? I've had a cold, the stomach flu and now fighting a headache. I have so much to do before the baby shower next weekend and I'm tired of not feeling well. The weather is crazy with record low temps one week, then record highs the next, then four straight days of rain. Where is that beautiful Arizona weather? Yesterday was my Dad's 84th birthday. In years passed we have always had all the kids, grand kids, cousins and everyone come over for cake and ice cream to celebrate. With Dad not feeling well and going through chemotherapy treatments, we decided that just us adults would go see him. So last night my sister, Mell and I picked up some burgers and tostadas and went to my parents humble little house in Scottsdale. Rich and Ben met us there. It's hard to see Dad with his hair now white and thinning, he thinks it's fuzzy. He ate just a few bites of his delicious dinner and then went in to his favorite chair where he spends most of his time. My Dad has always been active playing golf, working in the yard and carving wood into the shapes of birds or Nativity pieces. Now all he does is read, sleep and watch the television. This morning as I woke up my mind went to how my life is changing. Our family is changing. We know we won't be around here forever but the transition is hard. We all have experiences in our lives that change who we are. I know I had a huge shift when I suffered a miscarriage twenty-seven years ago and then another one when Kamber passed away. Now I'm closing in on 60 and that is going to be another big shift. As we were leaving Mom and Dad's Mell said, "Happy Birthday Dad, let's do this again next year, and we will invite Lennie then." So that's my prayer today, that we will have a few more years with my Dad.

The "Great Gamboo"

You never know how much you appreciate your health until you spend a day in bed. Yesterday after church I felt fine until the Home Teacher left. I had a bad headache and my stomach didn't feel right. The feeling that something is a brewing. At 8 o'clock I was bathed and in bed. I was chilling and felt like I was running a fever. Then the "great gamboo" started. I never threw up but boy was I sick. I was up every hour on the hour all through the night. So I've spent today in bed and washing all my sheets. I just went out to feed my animals and it sure felt good to be standing up and outside in the cool fresh air. I've only had a few crackers and some chicken noodle soup today. I'm hungry but trying to think of something that will be easy on my stomach. Spencer just called me to see how I was doing. When I told him about my last 24 hours he started laughing. I guess he and Annie spent all day yesterday doing the same thing I did. It's just a good thing they made it home before it started. It's been cold and rainy all weekend and I have so much to do to get my house ready for the shower next week. Hopefully this is behind me and I'm just praying Rich doesn't get it. He is way to busy to be sick.

"Natural Man and It Mattereth Not"

Spencer, Annie and the kids have been here for almost two weeks. I feel bad when they come because they are pulled in so many directions with friends and family wanting to see them. I woke up this morning a little bit sad knowing they will be leaving for Boston in the morning. I know they are happy to be going home, even though it is only around 20 degrees back there right now. I wish I would have taken some pictures of the kids while they were here but the baby got really sick one day and so did their 2 year old. It seems like everyday someone was sick with the coughing, fever and ear infections. Spencer has been doing treatments on my hip while he's been here. I can really feel a difference in the strength in my muscles and the pain has subsided a little bit. Now it's up to Dave to continue with my treatments, so we will see how that goes. It may be a little awkward for a son-in-law, but Dave is a nice person. I'm still trying to put a dent in juicing the citrus we picked and I'm so far behind on my work it's going to take me a couple of weeks to catch up. I'm also hosting a baby shower in two weeks and they are expecting a big crowd, so I'm going to be busy getting everything done around here. While I've been reading my little book "Act in Doctrine," by Elder Bednar the first chapter talks about striving to have the character of Christ. He says, "One of the greatest indicators of righteous character is the capacity to recognize and appropriately respond  to other people who are experiencing the very challenge or adversity that is most immediately and forcefully pressing upon us. Character is demonstrated by looking, turning, and reaching outward when the instinctive response of the "natural man" in each of us it to turn inward and to be selfish and self-absorbed." In the second chapter he says, "one of the greatest indicators of our own spiritual maturity is revealed in how we respond to the weaknesses, the inexperience, and the potentially offensive actions of others. A thing, an event, or an expression may be offensive, but you and I can choose not to be offended--"it mattereth not." I don't know if reading this book is going to help me be better or just send me into one of those guilt ridden comas I spend my time in. Anyway, at least I know what is expected of me and right now I am failing miserably.

Could This Be Global Warming?

I can't believe how fast the weeks are going by. I spent last weekend at a football game with the boys and a volleyball tournament at ASU with Tristyn. It has been fun having Spencer, Annie and their four kids here too. Last week it was freezing cold and this week we are breaking records with it in the 80's, a forty degree difference in temperatures. It must be Global Warming. Ha! I spent all morning trying to put a dent in juicing the citrus we picked before the freeze. I need to find a way to freeze it to have this summer when the citrus is gone. Last night I was up from 1:30 to 4:00 a.m., I couldn't relax and let my mind go to sleep. I was thinking about all my children and how each one is so different. I watch them and see how they relate to their spouses and children, they are all so great, but so different. I find myself pondering a lot about my life. I think it's because I will be turning 60 this year, and that has always seemed so old. When my parents turned sixty I thought they were ancient, and now they are both turning 84 this year. I wonder how my life would have been different if I had not gotten married and had children. I never did have a career or work doing something I loved outside my home. Being a "stay at home Mom" with all the stress that causes, has taken a toll on my burned out brain. Sometimes I wonder what I truly believe. My testimony of the Savior is strong, but since Kamber passed away, I have had a shift in my thinking. It doesn't take too many of those "kicks to the head" before you start to wonder what the real purpose of life is. I am thankful for my parents who I know did their very best in trying to teach us the gospel. As I watch my Dad suffer with the effects of cancer and chemotherapy, he is so strong. He is truly an example of enduring to the end. My sister and I are sure hoping the end doesn't come before Len and Julie get home from their mission in six months. On Sunday they showed a clip of President Monson speaking at conference. As he was talking I could feel the spirit as he told us that our Heavenly Father is aware of each one of us and our trials. He hears and answers prayers and knows what we need in our lives. This I know to be true and have hope I will be inspired to make the right choices as I move on to old age.

"There is Something Wrong With Me"

This has been an extremely hard week for me. With the freezing temperatures and all the work that came with it, I'm so far behind in my work around my house I don't even want to get out of bed. I'm just now getting the rest of my Christmas stuff put away. My mind has been reeling with thoughts concerning my life. I told a friend the other day that "there is something really wrong with me." He about laughed out of his chair as he said, "Teri, there is something wrong with everyone." After being told I am the "most hateful, vengeful person around', it made it even worse. Sometimes I wonder why we are given the trials we have. Why do I have to suffer with anxiety and pain? Why is my Dad suffering the effects of chemotherapy and cancer?  I still keep wondering why Kamber was taken from us after such a short time on earth? So this morning I pulled out my Patriarchal Blessing that was given to me in 1974 when I was 24 years old. When I began to read there were several things that popped out at me. "You are a child of God literally, your intelligence is eternal, it has always existed." It then talks about how I lived in heaven and mingled with others. Then I "was given a body of flesh and blood and now as a living soul you are prepared to exercise agency." It goes on to say how "the purpose of your existence here upon the earth is to work out your own exaltation and eternal life." There it is, plain as day. There IS something wrong with me. That is why I was sent to earth to figure out this earthly experience, with all the joys and sorrows it has to offer. The key to this mortal experience for me is that we have all been given agency, and it is My responsibility to figure it out. As my Mom told me again last night, "just do the very best that you can, that is all that is expected."

The Big Thaw

We are slowly thawing out here in the desert, man has it been cold. There was still ice on the water last night when we went out to feed the chickens. It will be nice to be in the 70's for the next week. I have been trying to juice all the fruit Rich had us pick before the freeze but after spending around five hours my hands are raw and I don't have anywhere to put the juice. So we have buckets of citrus in our garage waiting for someone to do something with it. I hope all our trees and flowers survive, they say this is the coldest we have been since 1988. Spencer has been here trying to work on my hip. He and Dave are training to do MAT. I have no idea what that is but it has something to do with muscles and nerves. Since my hip surgery, I haven't had any strength in my muscles, so he's trying to help me with that. It was Trace's 12th birthday yesterday. He is the oldest of my nine grandsons. Mindi decided at the last minute to have a little pizza, birthday cake party with the family and she took pictures of all the boys while we were singing happy birthday to him. The only one missing was Max. Life continues to be busy with all the kids and grand kids. This weekend Tristyn has a volleyball tournament and Trace will be ordained a deacon. My grand kids are growing up and will soon be at college and on missions. Plus I will turn 60 in four months. Wow!

Total Ice Age Over Here

I woke up this morning at exactly 3:33 a.m. I tossed and turned until around 5 until I finally went back to sleep. Yesterday was stressfull with church and having dinner for some of the family. After dinner I went in and was taking a bath when someone started yelling in my bedroom. "What's going on in there!" It sounded like Ethan but he had just left with his family. I yelled back "what are you doing here?" He said, "what do you mean what am I doing here, I'm here to see my folks." It was Spencer who had flown in with Dave from Colorado to surprise us. Annie flew in with the four kids on Friday to get out of the cold back East and here we are in a total ice age. I have spent a week now trying to prepare for the cold.  With all my animals and plants it has caused me lots of stress. I have asked Rich every summer when the heat is sending me down to hell, to move me somewhere cool. After this week I can see why he hates the cold. It was 24 degrees at our house this morning when I got up. We got irrigation yesterday afternoon and when I looked out the window the irrigation was frozen. I can't ever remember it being so cold that it looked like a frozen pond in our front yard. I can see why after growing up in Utah and serving a mission in Canada, Rich isn't going anywhere. He loves the heat and the long days when he can work for twelve hours. It will be fun to spend some time with Spencer and the kids. It will be back to normal by Friday in the 70's and boy will that feel good.

Not Buying The Global Warming

Trulie's job is to take the carrots out every morning to the rabbits.

Troy and Trulie on the tramp

One of our trees before the deep freeze.

I spent most of last Saturday at a volleyball tournament in Tempe.  There were six courts going at the same time with a total of twenty-four teams playing. When I watch Tristyn play it reminds me of the hours I spent watching Mindi and Candi compete. It's nice to see that girls have such an opportunity to learn the skills of the sport, plus how to be a good teammate. Last summer was one of the hottest on record. We had more days over 110 degrees than ever before. I look forward every year to the winter and spring months and enjoy the warm Arizona weather. This week they have been warning us of a cold snap that is coming our way. On the news last night they said it will be probably break a record that we set in 1988. We live on two acres of farm land in the middle of Gilbert. Rich always says that he's the farmer and I'm the rancher. He loves his citrus and pomegranate tress, not to mention the flowers that line our sidewalks. I love my chickens, rabbits, tortoises, fish and of course the pack of dogs. All summer we run misters and coolers to try and keep all of God's creatures from dying of heat stroke, now I have been worrying about how to keep them warm. We have a plan but who knows how cold it will really get and how long it will stay that cold. It only takes a cold snap like this to freeze all our fruit and then it is ruined. So I've spent most of the day picking oranges, tangelos and lemons and hopefully everything will survive. As I was picking lemons out in the front the cool breeze on my face plus the warm sun felt so good. I had the thought, "I wish I could bottle this feeling so when it's 110 degrees next July I can pull it out and enjoy. So much for global warming, I just don't buy it.

"Learning, Acting and Becoming"

I always get excited to start a new year. I have great hopes that things will be different and better. I tell myself that "this is the year I will overcome my flaws." After a stressful weekend I hit the wall yesterday. I realized that I'm in the same place I was at the end of 2012. Kamber is still gone, my Dad is still sick with cancer and the affects of chemotherapy. I'm still fighting the "battle of the bulge" and losing, and I still live with the same people in the same house. I even go to church with the same people only at a different time. As I was contemplating my life, I came back to a place a few years ago when things were really hard. I remember telling a friend that it would be better if I could just go to the other side, thinking that was my answer. I remember him telling me, "what do you think is going to happen when you leave this earth? You will still be the same person with the same feelings, with the same problems, just in a different place without a body." So onward I go trying each day to do something productive and meaningful. I started reading a book that was given to us by one of the counselors in the Stake Presidency for Christmas. The title is "Act in Doctrine," by David A. Bednar. I am not a scriptorian and lots of things are way over my head, this looks like it may fit into that category. As I read the Preface he says, "As disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, our individual responsibility is to learn what we should learn, to live as we know we should live, and to become what the Master would have us become. These three fundamental and interrelated gospel imperatives-learning, acting, and becoming-are central to our spiritual development and happiness in mortality and our progress throughout eternity." So maybe my goal for the new year I need to worry more about learning, acting and becoming and see if this year will a stepping stone for the future.

"Do the Best You Can"

I just about have all my Christmas decorations put up. All I need is for someone to help me get the boxes put away and the trees boxed up and out to the garage. I spent all day New Years Eve alone as Rich had obligations at the church getting ready for the youth dance. Sometimes I resent the time he takes doing his church work and I found myself in bed alone at 10:00 p.m. wondering if this is what life is suppose to be like. He was out until around 1:30 after helping take down decorations and so he was tired. Mindi and I decided to go to Dillard's because they have all clearance stuff at an additional 50% off. We hurried down to the mall and it was crazy. The people were going in droves and when we finally got in the doors there were so many people, I didn't know if I would be able to move farther into the store. I kept asking myself why someone with agoraphobia and claustrophobia would want to be in a crowded store with hundreds of people. Tristyn and Mindi put up with my mental illness and we just did some deep breathing and went at a slow steady pace. No need to hurry because we weren't going anywhere fast. I know everyone has there own little things that drive them crazy but to me not being able to go and do the things I want to becomes such an ordeal for me. I have to keep telling myself how much better I am than a few years ago when I couldn't even leave my house to walk to the street and get the mail. Someday I hope to find an answer to how a totally normal person can have such a shift in their mind. This all happened after I had a miscarriage when Spencer was two years old. The doctors have tried to help me but until I find that magic cure, I will just keep trying everyday to do what my Mom says, "Teri, just do the best you can, that is all that is expected of you."