Shopping for Mother's Day

I've spent most of this week shopping. I started at the grocery store on Monday, and then we've been to fabric and scrapbooking stores and then yesterday and today I've been at the malls trying to find gifts for Mother's Day. Last night Mindi and I took Tristyn to some of her favorite stores. She is so picky we decided that we wouldn't give our opinions because FOR SURE if we liked it she would hate it. While driving to the mall I realized this would be the first year I wouldn't be buying anything for Rich's Mom, Beth. Her birthday is this week on the 4th of May so I would always mail something to her for both holidays. She passed away a few months ago, we will certainly miss her this year. I was saddened this week as I talked to a friend of mine who has never had any children. I listened as she told me how she hates Mother's Day and it shouldn't be on a Sunday because when she goes to church all they talk about is Mothers. I have a wonderful cousin who has never been married or had children but she is the best sister and "auntie" anyone could ever want. I'm not a big fan of this day but not because I don't have any children or grandchildren, but because sometimes I feel like I was a failure in my parenting. I do believe that we as women whether married or single, mothers or not, do our very best to be good examples to those around us. This afternoon my sister Mell and I went shopping for our Mother. With Len and Julie on a mission and my other sibling going through some rough times, it is just the two of us trying to find a gift to represent our love and appreciation for her. What could we possibly buy at the mall that would even put a dent in all she has done for us? Without her sacrifice we wouldn't be where we are today. She was not only a school teacher but she taught us the gospel. One of her favorite sayings to me is "Teri, what would the Savior do?" Hopefully some day I can be that person she would want me to be.

Searching for the Light

Rich turned to me the other morning and asked me if I thought I needed to get on some medication. What, the twenty pills I take a day aren't enough? I can laugh about it now but at the time I was in a deep dark hole not knowing if I could ever crawl out. I know that life is suppose to teach us to be more like the Savior and be tested as to what kind of life we will live, but some trials are enough to put us under. I know there are things that are happening in the world that are so horrible I don't even want to think about the starving people in Africa and the homeless ones in Japan. Where is the JOY we are promised? I feel guilty because sometimes I'm just overwhelmed with getting my dishes done and my laundry put away. I worry about my parents as they move into their 80's, how much longer will they be around? What about the nasty world my grandchildren are going to live in? When will the NFL and the players stop acting like babies and get a deal done? Yesterday my Mom called to try and pull me up out of the dungeon. She wanted to know if I was practicing my piano. I took five years of piano lessons but when she finally realized it was a waste of her money she let me quit. Oh how I wish I could play those hymns and primary songs I love so much. Maybe that would be good therapy for me. I did have success playing high school and college volleyball but after knee injuries and childbirth that was over too. Next week is Mother's Day one of my most favorite days, right up there with my Birthday. Yippee! That's coming soon also. I know there is a light out there somewhere, it's my responsibility to search for it and hopefully find it some day.

Blessings of Easter

Brookie with one of the puppies

Kylie

Tayler and Max

Life continues to show me that it's a test to be on this earth trying to survive the trials I'm given and work through some very hard emotional stuff. I felt life was hard before but now with the passing of Kamber it seems like I have a big dark hole in my heart that won't heal, no matter how hard I try. Anyway, Ethan called to ask if I could watch the kids while he and Jenn went to the funeral of an Aunt of hers. So I got to spend the morning with the Larsen children. It was so fun to have them over. First we went to hold the puppies which Tayler and Kylie were totally good about being careful. Brookie wanted to hold them but if they made a noise or moved a little bit she would just drop them. Max wasn't interested so he just crawled around playing with toys. As Ethan left he invited me to go to the cemetery with them to decorate Kamber's grave for Easter, so while I was babysitting I was also trying to get showered and dressed. It's a good thing I can still multi-task. Kylie decided to go outside and cut some roses, she and Tayler made some amazing bouquets. We went to the cemetery and met Jenn's Mom Madeline there. I can honestly say I haven't ever been to the cemetery on or around Easter before. There was a cool breeze blowing and it was so peaceful there. It amazes me to see all the ways to decorate a grave and it was fun to see how creative people are. We took some pictures and came home stopping to get some lunch on the way. My sister came by to get me and we went shopping for Easter clothes. When we were kids my Mom always got us a new dress to wear to church on Easter Sunday. We hit a couple of stores but I didn't find anything that I loved, so I'm hoping for another chance to go to the Mall with Mindi and Tristyn tonight. I know that the clothes aren't important to celebrate Easter, I'm so thankful for my testimony that Christ lived and gave his life for me, without the Atonement there would be no hope to see those family members again and to live with them on the other side. We are getting together tomorrow for Easter dinner, that's what life's all about!

Ethan and the girls, Max was asleep in the car

Darling me and Madeline

Paying It Forward

We had a nice anniversary, Rich fixed the pump in my pond, picked some roses and took me to the Ward Mexican Fiesta for dinner. It was a fun day but I was so tired from being up most of the night with Bella giving birth, all I wanted was some sleep. I spent most of yesterday sewing a little skirt for Brookie. I found the pattern while shopping for material for Mindi's new baby due this summer. It felt so good to just relax and be creative, but I felt guilty for not wanting to do all the other household chores. I told Mindi today that I'm just burned out. Thirty-five years of cleaning house, doing laundry, mowing yards, and raising kids has taken a toll on my body and my sanity. I find myself becoming annoyed more easily, and just the little things seem to get to me. We talked about charity last week in RS and then this Sunday it was about being honest. After I left church I realized that I try to be an honest person, but I struggle with charity sometimes. Mindi and I decided to make some spring wreaths for some of our favorite people, so off we went to Hobby Lobby, Michael's and then finally Jo Ann's. As we were pulling out of Hobby Lobby there was a guy in a big truck getting his wheelchair out. He had a remote that moved his chair out so he could get in. I was so impressed that he was all alone and obviously he couldn't walk by himself. Mindi said, "see Mom, it could be a lot worse." I then said, "that's the problem it probably is going to get worse." At Michael's I just sat in the car with Troy because he was in need of a nap. While I was people watching I noticed several ladies coming out with canes, walkers and others just limping. It's interesting that when you have a disability you notice others who might have the same challenges. I think my expectations were different than what I got out of my surgery. When I complain my Mom just says, "but at least you are out of pain." Yes, most of the pain is gone, but I can't walk very well, and that gets me down. This weekend we had two more drownings and two others who were rescued. This always puts me in a dark place. You go down that road again knowing this time how these families feel. Ethan and Jenn have started a non profit to make caskets for children who pass away. We are busy trying to come up with ideas to raise money to help pay for these "labors of love." We were helped by so many friends, family and ward members that we want to "pay it forward" so other families can feel our love and support for them. Life is short and we never know when something will happen to someone we love. So I guess it's time to cheer up and start working.

35 Years Together and 5 Puppies Born

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine about how old we are getting. In two years I will be 60 and then if I live twelve more I will be 70. How can that be? It seems like my life is going by so fast. Two months ago Mindi decided to bring a little male to breed with her female Shih Tzu Bella. As we were looking at the calendar we realized she would have her puppies on Rich and My 35th wedding anniversary today. Yesterday we couldn't find Bella all day long. This little dog usually follows us around begging for food but she was acting strange. We finally found her under the boys bed and sure enough she was in labor. So Mindi, Tristyn and I were up until 2:30 this morning helping deliver her puppies. She had the first two really fast and then we waited and waited for the third. She had the last one at around 2 a.m. To say that I am tired is an understatement. I'm too old to be delivering puppies until late in the night. The third one was so cute I decided to keep her. A few hours after she was born Tristyn picked her up and she was limp and not breathing. I tried to stimulate her and breath close to her nose and mouth in hopes she would make it. She gasped for about an hour and we really thought she would make it but she never did get warm and breath normally. So she had five puppies and we have four that lived. It will be easy to remember the date they were born because of it being our anniversary. I brought my wedding album out, I do it at least once a year, it's hard when you don't recognize the people in the photos. I hope when I die my spirit will look like I did when I was 22, tan athletic and strong. Life seems to take a toll when you get out into the "lone and dreary world." Anyway, I'm happy for every year Rich has been able to put up with my PMS, postpartum, animal hoarding behavior. I've had to put up with some of his little faults too. I guess we deserve each other, that is the only reason I can think of that we would put up with each other, that and our deep love. Anyway, we made it through another year, sometimes we don't know why it seems so hard, but I'm thankful for all the lessons learned from this experience. Our posterity is growing with soon to be 16 grand kids added to our wonderful four children and their spouses. How can life get better than this?

Easter Pagaent Message

Rich Damir and Hamra at the Easter Pageant

On Tues. morning Rich informed me that he had invited a friend of his to come to the Easter Pageant at the Mesa Temple. At first I told him I didn't know if I would be able to walk that far or sit on the hard metal chairs in the cold. As the day progressed I kept hoping they would call to say they couldn't make it so I could stay home and watch the"Biggest Loser." Well, at 6:00 p.m. they called Rich to say they were five minutes away from our house. So, off we went Rich and I and Damir and his girlfriend Hamra. Damir used to work for Rich, he had recently come to the U.S. from Bosnia. But three years ago he was riding a motorcycle without a helmet and hit some railroad ties that had been buried in the road. He was thrown off his motorcycle and hit his head on a rock in the road causing severe brain damage. I remember Rich going to the hospital to see him and coming home so sad. The doctors and nurses all said he wasn't going to make it and if he did he would be a vegetable, that they should "pull the plug" on his life. Well, his Mother wouldn't even consider that, telling the hospital staff that he would make it and she would never give up on her son. As we walked in to the Temple grounds it was so peaceful. Here I was limping along but poor Damir took quite a while to make it to our chairs. The last time I saw him was at Kamber's funeral and he was extremely thin, white as a ghost and in a wheelchair. As we sat and watched the Pageant about the life of Christ, I thought of how important the Atonement is to all of us. Although most of us are struggling with some sort of challenge we can all make it back to our Heavenly Father if we repent, and live the commandments. It sounds so simple, but in reality it gets complicated some times. After the Pageant we went to eat at Denny's, it was close and late around 9:00 p.m. As we sat and visited I asked him a bunch of questions like, do you remember the accident? How long were you in a coma? How old is your little boy now? As we talked I remembered a conversation I had with one of my favorite people in the whole world. I remember him saying that if he was in an accident and was on life support, and wasn't going to be at least 95% he didn't want to live, he wanted us to "pull the plug." After talking to Damir and seeing how thankful he is to be alive, I felt so disappointed in my loved ones attitude. NO his life isn't perfect, he goes to therapy everyday and his girlfriend drives him everywhere he needs to go, but darn it he seemed happier than any one of us who haven't been through what he has. He is thankful for just being alive. What a wonderful place to be, having gratitude for the simplest things. I need to change my attitude and hopefully I will never have to make that horrible decision.

Learning Charity

It seems like lately I've been "lower than a snake's belly" so I hate to write when I don't feel normal in the head. Yesterday I spent the day with a dear friend. We went to lunch, the chiropractor and then shopping for clothes. It felt good to be out and not just home in the doldrums. Today Mindi went to get another ultrasound of her baby so I went to Scottsdale to visit with my parents. It's always nice to go home and be able to relax and just be me. My Mom works in the Temple but because of the Easter Pageant she doesn't have to work for a couple of weeks so my Dad decided to take us out to lunch at Los Olivos. As we drove to downtown Scottsdale I couldn't believe how different it looks since I moved away 35 years ago. Life seemed so simple then. Growing up my Dad would always tell me, "Teri don't wish your life away." I didn't understand it then, but now I do. While talking to my parents I told them how disappointed I am with my life right now. I try to do the right things, those that I was taught as a child, but there is still a part of me that I don't seem to be able to change. To me life should be different than it is. I really did feel that after my surgery I would feel better, walk better, be able to do things I couldn't before because of the constant pain. That's not my reality yet, all I can have is hope that someday things will get better. I'm so thankful for parents who love me and want the best for me. I know their lives haven't been perfect but they have always lived life with charity, now if I could just become like them my life would get easier for sure.

The birthdays just keep coming. Yesterday Spencer's little guy turned four and today my little, or should I say BIG guy turns 30. I can't believe it has been that long since I birthed my first son. He was almost ten pounds, and if the cord hadn't been wrapped around his neck he would have been born in the carport of our little house on Jacaranda St. in Mesa. After a wild ride to the hospital, I was only in there around fifteen minutes before he was born. In the olden days we didn't have the privilege of knowing what gender we were having, so I was so excited to have a boy after two girls. I woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. Rich leaves early to go work out so I'm alone almost every morning to ponder my life and my day. After about an hour of not so nice thoughts I decided to get up and do some writing that I was told would help me with some of these negative feelings I've been having. Since Kamber's passing I feel like I have a big chunk of my heart missing. Maybe a dark cloud hanging over me too. I often wonder if maybe there is something seriously wrong with me that I can't just forget the past and look forward to the future. The problem is, the future isn't looking that great to me right now either. It's easy with all the wars going on, the economy tanking, earthquakes and floods to get discouraged about life. Pretty soon it will be 110 degrees around here and that would make even a normal person crazy. Anyway, I'm thankful to be out of bed today, not running a fever, sitting up and taking nourishment, maybe that's all I need today to just have hope that I can make it through today. I have blessings upon blessings but darn it sometimes I can't see them through my dark colored glasses. Anyway, Happy Birthday to my wonderful son Ethan, we love you!

The Fisherman Returns to the Flu or Headache?

Rich has been gone for four days fishing with Spencer in Missoula, Montana. I'm glad he got to go on a little trip but it will be nice to have him home, I always sleep better when he's here. When he leaves town I want to get lots of things done, like clean out a room, get all the ironing done, and have my house spotless and me looking "smashing" when he comes in the door. Well, I had great intentions today as I woke up and started doing my chores and trying to put things away. We also got irrigation so that is always a worry for me, but with Mindi pregnant and me crippled Dave came home to take care of that thankfully. As the morning progressed I started feeling worse with each passing minute. I finally got a thermometer from Mindi and put the heating pad on my feet, I also started taking some meds for my throbbing headache. What the @%ll, I have the flu again? After a lecture from my Mom to not stay in bed and "get up and dust," that is what my Grandma Fern would always say when we were sick, I have attempted to get a few things done before Rich arrives around 6:00 p.m. I'm wondering if it is the change in the pressure from a storm that is suppose to move in later tonight that is causing my headache, but who the heck knows. I have often wondered what it would be like to look and feel like I did before taking that hard road to marriage and child bearing. What would my life be like if I never got married, had kids and instead had a single life and career. Would I be happier with my life or would I yearn for what I have now? I understand that the "Plan of Happiness" requires us to be sealed in the Temple and have children if possible, so hopefully when I reach the other side it will be worth the sacrifices made. I can't imagine not having a husband, children and grandchildren, they teach me lessons I wouldn't have learned if I didn't have them in my life. On Monday I went to the UPS store to send a package to the kids in Colorado. It was full of birthday and Easter stuff for Tyton's birthday tomorrow. As I was standing there a lady and her husband walked in with a box of nothing but candy. Tootsie Roll pops, Skittles and a bunch of other candies they were sending to their grand kids in Texas. She was hobbling in on crutches so of course I had to ask her what her problem was. She told me how she was in a car and another vehicle rammed her, backed up and hit their car again. She seemed to think it was an insurance scam because this same driver had hit six other cars here in Gilbert. As a result of this accident she had a heart attack, a brain seizure and they had to replace her knee which her body is rejecting. I told her about my hip replacement and how disappointed I am that my walking isn't better, she had a few suggestions on how I could feel better. After listening to her story and all that is wrong with her I felt thankful that my problems seemed so minimal. No matter where I look there is always someone who is going through something worse than I am. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and get those things done on my list, if not there is always Friday.

Three Birthdays and NO Car Seat Cover

All the kids at the party!

Ethan and Brookie after opening presents

The quilt I made for Brookie

I'm always excited when Rich leaves town because I think I can slack off on the house cleaning and go shopping, out to eat and just kick back. It sounds like a good idea until I look around and see that by taking a few days off it really just makes my life harder. Today we ran some errands, got some lunch and then drove down into the middle of Mesa to talk to a girl about helping me make a car seat cover for Mindi's new baby due in July. I bought a pattern last week and used some old ugly material to make a practice one and it turned out horrible. I thought I was a better seamstress than I am obviously. After talking to her about how much work it is and that you really don't have a pattern, I would just "eyeball it" I decided that maybe spending $75-$100 would be worth it instead of the irritation of making one. I love to make quilts, they aren't perfect, but who cares, I do the best I can, but to take on a project at this age and time just doesn't feel right to me. We went out to Ethan and Jenn's yesterday to celebrate Brookie's birthday. When we showed up she had this scarey looking Dora mask on. Every time I think of her it makes me smile. She was only three months old when Kamber passed away, she is really special to me because she helped get me through that terrible trial. I also have a really special feeling for little Gunnar who was born a few hours after we buried Kamber. It will be interesting to me when I go to the other side to understand the dynamic between burying a grandchild while bringing another one in the world on the same day. Tyton's birthday is Thurs. and then Ethan will be 30 on Friday. Conference weekend was so good. As I was listening to the speakers I realized how many things I fall short in doing. It seemed like the brethren are really worried about the families and the way we treat each other. I know I don't show the appreciation and love I should to my spouse and kids, I need to do better. Hopefully tomorrow will be a more productive day for me, before I know it Rich will be home wondering what I did for four days. What has he been doing for this time, eating prime rib and fishing, life isn't fair!

Bathing With The Scorpions

After a couple of days of severe pain it is nice to be up and walking again. Mindi and I even went shopping for baby clothes and material for her quilt. I feel like I'm in a catch 22 where I need to exercise to burn calories, but if I'm not careful and do too much, I put myself back a few months. My Dad came over for a visit yesterday and to pick up some grapefruit from our trees. He and my Mom have been super worried all week about the hip pain I have been experiencing. After I showed him where it hurt and told him how discouraged I have been he finally said, "Teri, you are just going to have to accept the fact that you are crippled and awkward and just do the best you can and try not to get down emotionally." Okay Dad, thanks for the words of wisdom. I had Rich and Dave give me a blessing on Wed. evening and oh how I appreciate the power of the Priesthood in my life. As I got in the tub to soak my aching muscles I swung my legs over our huge tub and as I looked down my foot was an inch from this darling little scorpion. Here I was standing naked in the tub sharing it with a stinging creature. I tried to yell at Rich to come help me but he was in the office. I struggled to get my butt out of there as fast as I could, threw my nightgown on and stormed down to where he was reading and asked him why he didn't come help me. He says he didn't hear me. Anyway, I just filled the tub up with water and scooped him out and drowned him. This weekend is General Conference and I can't wait to listen to the speakers and feel the spirit. There are always things I need to hear, so hopefully I will be able to take it all in. Rich is leaving on Sunday morning to Montana to go fishing with Spencer. I hope they have a fun time, but don't catch any fish. That's mean huh! With Rich out of town I can do anything I want, Spencer promised me a spa treatment but that isn't happening, I will just be happy with a few nights of good sleep.