"Are You Sure That's Your Mentally Ill Mother?"

A couple of weeks ago Candi and B.J. took me to lunch, Mexican Food, yum.  We had a great time and when the waitress gave us the bill she said, "did I hear you call her Mom? Are you sure she's your Mom, she looks so young." I perked up a little bit and Candi said, "Wow, you've just made her day." I apologized to Candi and off we went. Later on in the week Mindi had some girls over working on the carnival. While we were visiting I told them what the waitress had said. One of the girls chimed in and said, "was that before she saw you walk?"  In my mind I thought, "did she just really say that to me?" Earlier this week I had someone tell me that I'm mentally ill and that's why I'm the way I am. I love it when people with no psychological experience diagnose others. At first it really stung a bit until I realized that people who judge and condemn others, must see themselves in those they judge and that's what triggers their ability to insult them. This morning as I was reading my scriptures and writing in my journal, my thoughts came to my Grandma and my own Mother. They both had hard times but were able to always keep positive and stay the course. What makes me different than them? Why didn't I get that DNA that causes an overabundance of positive thinking, knowing that things will work out for my good? Anyway, I'm sure this isn't going to be the last time that ignorant people decide to shoot their mouths off, but I want to channel my inner voice to not give my power away to those who don't have my best interest in their thoughts and actions.

Hand Shocking and Puppies

I've been busy working on quilts and staying busy with chores around the house.  There is never a want for things to do with the house, yard and animals. We have had two litters of puppies born in the last month, they take a lot of work keeping them alive and healthy.  Mindi does most of the puppy care, while I feed and take care of the big dogs. Yesterday I had the test on my poor right hand. When I went to the doctor he thought it was carpel tunnel and after the torture test yesterday it was confirmed.  Because I struggle with anxiety, I was worried about the pain involved in the shocking of my nerves in my hand.  I had heard from a friend that it "hurts like hell," but a couple of family members said it was "no big deal." I think it was somewhere in between, there were times I thought I might shout out some cuss words and then after it was over I could say it wasn't that bad.  The Neurologist confirmed that I do have "significant damage to my nerves and muscles in my hand and that my doctor will probably offer surgery." So on and on we go, trying to make sense of this sixty plus year-old body that seems to be falling apart right now. This morning as I was talking to my Mom, we went down memory lane about her life. They have released her from working in the Temple, which Dad had wanted before he passed away. We don't think it's safe for an almost 86 year-old to be driving home late at night across town. Mom has lost a lot of her courage since Dad left us and I'm just waiting for the day when she's had enough of living alone. I do think it's good for her to stay in her routine and she loves working in her yard and that keeps her mind busy and gives her something to do. She talked about losing her Dad when she was sixteen years old. I guess it doesn't matter what age you are when you lose your Dad, it is still hard. Some day we will all be called home and someday we will have more family on the other side than here, I know it will be a sweet reunion when that time comes.

Carnival, Baptism and Temple Sealing

This weekend was a busy one for me. It started Friday night when I took my Mom over to the school for the annual carnival. Mindi had volunteered to head up the committee because there wasn't any other suckers. She worked for months making games and collecting all the prizes to give away. I think having five kids going through the school made her feel like she needed to do it. She is such a hard worker and had some others who stepped in to help her which I know she appreciated. Now that the carnival is over she can get her house back to normal.  On Saturday morning we went to Spencer's oldest son Tyton's baptism. It's always fun to see these little eight year-olds take that major step in their lives. They had a great family turnout and it is always nice watching them support each other.  They had a luncheon afterwards but I left to take a road trip with a friend. My dear friend Paula was getting sealed in the Gila Valley Temple at 2:15 p.m. in the afternoon, so LeAnn and I left the church and headed to the Temple three hours away. I had never been to that part of the state and I'm so glad I went. The Temple is small but beautiful. We had a nice drive and made it in time to visit with her family and be there to support her. There was a nice little luncheon at the church next to the Temple and we finally got some lunch before heading back to Gilbert. Paula is a dear friend that I've known for over thirty years. She lived in our neighborhood in Lehi before we moved to Gilbert. After her divorce, she married a guy in my ward which made it extra special. Her Dad passed away last year after he fell and broke his hip and her Mother is in bad health. She fell and broke her hip and so Paula and her sister and sister-in-laws have been taking care of her. It has been touch and go as far as having her there with Paula and Rick in the Temple. It was a special day for them. This is going to be another busy week with a baby shower and volleyball tournament. When you have this many kids and grand kids it seems like there is never a dull moment. I'm working on four quilts right now and hopefully I can get them finished before the weather heats up. I lose my desire to make quilts when the temps get in the hundreds which is coming this weekend. Grrrrrrr!

Lots of Sickness

I have to admit that the last few months I've been in the toilet, the dark abyss, lower than a snakes belly and just plain old sad. Besides grieving the death of my Dad, I've had other challenges with close relationships and physical and emotional pain . I picked up a bug last week and spent five days with cold symptoms that made me miserable in the night and lazy during the day. I spent almost all weekend at home trying to fight off my bug. Last week at church I sat in front of someone who snorted the whole meeting, so I decided to stay home and keep my snorting to myself. While everyone else was at church I had some quiet time to just think about my life. I found myself talking to my Dad a lot and asking him for help. I wonder if now that he's on the other side he can watch me and see what my struggles are. I was also asking for advice, hoping that somehow I could hear his answer. Sometimes I find myself wondering how a girl like me has gotten myself in such a mess. I never dreamed that my life would be like this when I got in my sixties. I just have that many more people to worry about and I'm tired. Spencer took one of his kids to emergency with a high fever and Candi took one of her sons to urgent care running a 104 degree fever too. This morning I got a call that Jenn has been up throwing up all night and now most of their kids have the stomach flu too. What the heck is going on around here with all the sickness? This week is going to be crazy. Mindi volunteered to be in charge of the school carnival, so she's having a breakdown trying to get all the games finished. I have a doctors appointment and a test on my hand to see if I need surgery in the future. And they are having Tyton's baptism on Saturday before they move to Montana, which is another part of my sadness. Letting my kids go is very hard for me. Spencer was my last baby so I've always felt like we were really close and he would be the one to stay close and help me in my old age. They don't want to live by family and have their heart set on Montana, so they will be leaving in a few weeks. I should know better, but I guess I just don't get it. So hopefully this week will get better. We can't all stay sick forever can we?

Tristyn's Prom and Twins Baby Blessing

This weekend was a busy one for our family. I felt kind of sick on Friday and Saturday but felt better yesterday. I think it was all the pain medication for my hand that upset my stomach, so I've cut it down to only a couple of pills until I have the carpal tunnel test. Tristyn had prom Saturday night so that was a busy day. Mindi had a volleyball tournament in Buckeye, so it was Dave and I trying to get her dress to fit. She had a darling red beaded dress but it needed some adjustment in the neck. I hate the itchy scratchy feeing of beads and sequins, I was worrying about the irritation it would cause, but she's young and got through it. I'm more about comfort than vanity. Then yesterday we went out to Ethan and Jenn's and had the twins blessed. They have 9:00 a.m. church and it would have been too hard to get everyone there, so they just had the Bishop come over and blessed them in the home. These babies are almost five months old and because of the complications they have had we are so lucky they are getting bigger and healthier. This week they will go in for a consultation for hernias and then in a few months they have one more surgery to correct a birth defect. Mindi and I went to Scottsdale and picked Mom up after church and she spent the night with us last night. Then this morning my sister Mell came over and took her home. Every time we have a get together we miss Dad. Mom even asked me what I thought Dad was doing in Heaven on Sunday. I would like to know what they do everyday in Heaven not just Sunday. After the blessing we had dinner with all the family and friends that came to support them. I wonder often what families do who don't have their family close to help them. I sure have been blessed in my life to have my family close and I appreciate all they have done for me especially my parents. We took some pictures of the babies and had a four generation photo with Mom, Me, Ethan and the twins. We are thankful for everyday we have with Mom. I know she misses Dad but has so much faith and love for her family she is a great example to all of our family.

Pain Relief and New Grandbaby

After suffering in pain for a few weeks, I finally went in two weeks ago to get some x-rays. When I was seeing my primary care doctor she recommended that I see an orthopedic surgeon so I made an appointment. On Monday night I woke up at 3:30 a.m. in so much pain I was contemplating self amputation of some of my fingers. They felt huge swollen and numb as can be. After taking some pain relievers and putting ice on them, I finally got back to sleep at around 5:30. I was so glad that I had made that appointment and I went in yesterday afternoon. My doctor is a friend I went to high school with and I trust him completely. He has done both surgeries on my knee and when I finally get brave enough to have a knee replacement I will make sure he can do it. After listening to my complaints he told me I had bursitis in the rotator cuff in my shoulder and carpal tunnel in my right hand. He gave me a cortisone shot in the shoulder and then told me some things I can do to settle down my hand and fingers until we decide if I need surgery. I need some sort of a nerve test before he can fix my carpal tunnel, which he says is only a ten minute surgery. After the pain I was in Monday night I just want relief. It really is true that after fifty and especially sixty you start to fall apart. Having my hand so sore has put a damper on my sewing which I enjoy doing. I have about five quilt tops that need to be finished but when I'm not sleeping and in pain I have very little motivation to do anything. On our way home from the doctor yesterday my sister and I were talking about living with pain. She was talking about the pioneers and how hard it must have been to suffer with very little medical help for their illnesses and especially anything orthopedic. I'm so happy when anyone can help me relieve my suffering whether it's physical or mental. I wouldn't have made a good pioneer. Yesterday was Tyton's eighth birthday and Spencer invited me over to his in-laws for a cook-out to celebrate. It's always fun to see the cousins get together and play. Today is Ethan's birthday and I can't believe he is thirty-four already. My kids are getting old and so are my grandkids. I'm thankful for all of them and I'm so excited that we are going to have our twentieth grandchild born in November.  Annie is expecting their fifth, hopefully another girl which will make us an even ten boys and ten girls. Hopefully my hand will get better so I can start doing some sewing, baby quilts are my favorite to make.

Easter Pageant and Sleepover

After publishing my last post I felt maybe I was a little bit too honest about my mood. Sometimes I use my blog to vent about my problems that don't need to be part of my history. On the other hand I want to keep it real and honest let's face it, sometimes life gets pretty hard. Yesterday we decided to attend the Easter Pageant down at the Mesa Temple. I had asked Mom if she wanted to go and her pat answer was, "NO."  A couple of hours later she called to say my cousin Barb was coming over to give her a B-12 shot and that maybe she could bring her to the Temple. Two of my cousins, her husband and daughter were in the Pageant, so it was even better knowing they would be performing. We loaded up the kids in the mini-van stopped to get pizza and off we went to the Temple. The traffic was horrible but because I have a handicapped parking pass, it was much easier than I thought it would be. Mom and Barb had saved some seats for us and my niece Alishia and her boys were also there. We were lucky it was a nice warm night with a cool breeze as we sat and waited for it to start. A few minutes before the performance some of the cast members walk around and take pictures with the audience. It's amazing how many people you see that you know from years ago. As I sat and listened to the words and songs I had such a deep love for the Savior and all he's done for me. I was reminded that he knows and loves me and is aware of my struggles. As I looked around the audience there were lots of people in wheelchairs and walkers and I realized that I am not the only one with struggles and that I need to be thankful for mine and be happy. After it was over we brought Mom home for a sleepover. We are slowly trying to get her away from just staying in her house alone day after day and this is the first step. We are going to try it again Easter Sunday as we celebrate with our kids and grand kids, we also have three birthdays to celebrate so it will be a combo Easter/Birthday Extravaganza. I'm also excited to listen to Conference and feel the spirit there, it should be a good weekend.

Not Myself

I have to admit that since my Dad passed away I haven't felt the same. I was warned by a good friend that even though he had a terminal illness and I knew he was on borrowed time, when he did pass away it would be hard. For the last few weeks I have felt different. I've been fighting pain in my arm and I still look like a penguin when I walk. I've also gained a few lbs. that I'm sure is because of the lack of motivation and sadness. Last night as I was eating dinner alone again, I had this thought come in to my mind, "what the heck are you doing?" I then tried to take an inventory of what I really am doing. Maybe I'm just at a crossroad in my life and I'm tired of doing all the things I've been doing for almost sixty-two years. I look at my husband who is working longer and harder now than he did when we were first married and that makes me feel guilty. I'm tired of "groundhog day." As I was talking to my Mom this morning about my feelings, she came back with her usual answer, "just look at all your blessings and try and cheer up." My parents have always been a strong influence on me and I have felt their love and concern for me most of my life, except when I was a teenager. I now worry about Mom living alone and wonder what I should be doing to help her. For some strange reason I don't feel like I'm where I'm suppose to be, or doing what I'm suppose to be doing. I feel like I always fall short of where I should be and what I should be accomplishing. I see Jenn over at her house taking care of two babies and getting zero sleep and I wonder what I should be doing to help her. I guess my problem is I'm on a big giant guilt trip that I'm putting on myself. I'm looking forward to Conference this weekend. I'm going to make a list of some answers I hope to get while listening to the talks and music. Hopefully by the end of the weekend I will feel better about what I'm doing and find out where I'm supposed to be. The answers have to be out there somewhere for me to get.

The End to a Busy Month

The weeks are going by so fast I can hardly get anything finished. This week was busy with a doctors appointment, Relief Society birthday party, irrigation and sewing. I like to look on quilting blogs and see what really talented people are making. I found this really cute pattern for an Easter bunny, so I've spent the last two days working on it. I don't know yet whether to make it into a pillow or a quilt. Now Mindi thinks I need to make one for her. It's already been two months since we said good-bye to Dad and I'm glad Mom's doing as well as she is. I ask her everyday if she is ready yet to come live with me and the answer is always, "not yet." She is a busy person who works in her yard and feeds the stray cats in the neighborhood. I'm so thankful she is able to be independent as long as possible. I've made an appointment to see my doctor about the pain in my left shoulder and I may need to have another surgery on something else. Getting old is so hard, I sometimes get so discouraged with all my aches and pains. If this is as good as it's going to be at 60, I dread going into the 70's and 80's. Last night we took Spencer to the airport to join Annie in Boston. They have sold their home there and are packing all their possessions to move it across country again. Hopefully they will get it done fast and come home for good. I never know with them where they will end up, so I'm going to enjoy them as long as they are here. Next week we move into April with two birthdays, our anniversary and Easter. There is going to be lots of celebrations going on the next couple of weeks, and of course we also have taxes, we can't forget those.

Pantry Cleaning and Broken Body Parts

It seems like the older I get the faster time flies by and the less I get accomplished. Last week went by really fast and when I think what's going on this week it makes me tired. Last Friday Mindi and I went over to see my Mom in Scottsdale.  We stopped by to pick up a sandwich and had lunch with her.  I don't think she eats unless someone encourages her, or she gets faint. My poor Dad was always hungry and waiting for her to fix him something to eat. He finally just started making eggs and bacon everyday so he wouldn't go hungry. While we were there, Mindi decided to tackle her pantry. A few years ago we went and threw out tons of canned goods and outdated food that she had collected. Dad hated her pantry being so stuffed but she was stocking up in case there was an emergency, she could help her family. I do the same thing and haven't gotten the rotation aspect of food storage. Rich hates my pantry too and sometimes I'll come in the kitchen and see that he's organized it and that's fine with me. That's not one of my strong suits, organization. While Mindi was hauling stuff out to the trash, Mom and I were going through Dad's closet. She hasn't wanted to do anything with all his stuff yet, but she did give up his ties. Len had mentioned that he would like the ones he had given him and I took what I gave him. I think I have about thirty more ties to try and find a home for. I swear that since I've turned sixty I'm falling apart. I've been having trouble with my right hand going numb and then for the last two months my left shoulder has been killing me. I finally went in last week and had x-rays of both of those body parts and when the doctor called to tell me nothing was wrong that he could see, maybe you need an MRI, I was discouraged. I HATE pain, even though I have a high tolerance for pain I still don't do well when my body parts hurt. Tomorrow I have another appointment to check out another part of me that is struggling. I wish I could check myself in somewhere and get everything fixed and updated. That would probably cost more than I'm worth so I guess I will just carry on the way I am. As we left Mom's the neighbors were all outside visiting. I thanked them for keeping an eye on her and told them she wasn't allowed to bring any more canned goods into her house. I think she probably headed over to the grocery store when we left to replace all we threw away, I sure hope not, but some things just never change.

Sundays Are Hard

We survived spring break and the kids are all back in school, thank heavens.  We did get a lot done around the house and yard. I found myself kind of envious of those who have the time and money to take their families away for the week. Because Rich wanted to run his own business, that has never been the case for our family. Sometimes when I'm feeling sorry for myself, I am reminded of my blessings. I'm lucky to even have a house to live in and a yard to mow. We have a huge posterity that seems to grow every year and we are thankful for all of them. Sundays seem to be the hardest for me. It's a time of reflection and quiet. It seems like Sundays represent my parents love of the Gospel and their testimonies that they shared with us often. It reminds me of their service as Dad was Bishop, Missionary and Temple Worker. My Mom now attends her Ward alone, and I know that has to be hard but she carries on. Sometimes I look back at last year and all the inspiration I received about Dad's final year. When we were juicing pomegranates, I felt it would be his last year. Then when we had Christmas Dinner I felt again that this would be the last Christmas with him. He didn't even make it out of January before he left us, but he was ready and I'm happy he is out of pain. Sometimes I can hear him tell me he's okay and happy where he's at, that eases the pain a little bit. We did get a little bit of good news this last couple of weeks. Spencer and Annie aren't moving to Montana as planned because he was offered a job in Tucson. I don't think Annie is as excited as he is but the opportunity he has been given was too good to pass on, so they will be way closer than Boston or Billings. He loved playing football at the U of A and hopefully he can use his opportunities their to help others. Now it's time to get going and finish all the projects I didn't get done last week, that's going to take a long time, not to mention all the quilts I need to finish.

Spring Break 2015

This week is spring break, so in true Larsen fashion we are having a work party. It started on Saturday when we had all the kids out cleaning up the back yard. We had a stretch where with the rains and irrigation it was too muddy to do anything. Now that the temps are in the high 80's and shooting for 90 tomorrow the weather is perfect for working outside. I decided it was time to tackle my sewing room. It seems like I just get in there and sew until I'm too tired to do anything else, so I just turn everything off and shut the door. Even though I have four or five quilts to put together, I decided it was time to get organized. I've spent the last two days sorting through scraps of material and organizing them into colors and textures. Being organized isn't one of my talents and it's extremely hard for me to get in the mood, but I will be so happy when I can find things when I need them. On Sunday we had Mom over for dinner. Len had to speak at Stake Conference in Tempe so he and Julie picked her up and took her with them. After he spoke they brought her to their house, where we picked her up and she ate dinner and visited with us. Then Len took her home on his way to another meeting. I think she is doing great with Dad passing away, but I know she is lonely and always comments that life sure isn't much fun without him around anymore. She could come live with us but right now she wants to be in her house, with her friends and ward family calling and checking on her all the time. I suppose some day she will get tired of being alone and decide to make a change, but until then and as long as she is of sound mind, she can do what she wants to. Maybe the chaos of our "funny farm" would be too much for her to handle anyway. When I went outside yesterday to feed the critters, the warm breeze and scent of orange blossoms made me so melancholy. I miss my Dad, and I still miss Kamber. I know they are both together, and both happy to be where they are, but I'm not happy they are gone. Mom keeps reminding me that we will all be joining them someday, but for now I'm still stuck, stuck in that place I've visited before and hopefully can leave someday.

Wet and Busy Week

We started off the week with two and a half hours of irrigation and two days of rain. It has been in the 50's and 60's which is cold for this part of the country. Hopefully it is going to warm up and dry out because I hate feeding animals when it's a muddy mess. I had a friend text me last week asking if I could adopt her ducks. She has been breeding and raising Muscovy ducks for a few years now, but with the recent passing of her husband she was downsizing. So I'm now the new proud owner of the cutest ducks on the planet. This is the time of year that I really enjoy my herd, or flock, or pack, whatever animals I have. The problem is when the temperatures go up in to the 100's that it gets hard. I'm not as young as I used to be and it's getting harder and harder to run the farm while hobbling around on a bad knee, bad hip and other ailments. If I were rich I would buy a 20 acre piece of land and rescue as many animals as I could handle. I would also hire a few guys to come and do all the work. It would be heaven to me to care for the injured, sick and those whose owners have abused them. I'm not rich, and I'm married to a Rich who doesn't particularly share the same love for animals as I do, so it makes it quite hard to run the petting zoo by myself. He's been a good sport most of the time, bless his heart.  It has been seven weeks since Dad went to see Kamber. Sometimes I really am at peace with his passing, then others I'm angry and sad. I can say that it was way easier to let Dad go than to come to grips with Kamber leaving, but I'm so thankful for the knowledge I have that we live after death. If losing a loved one was final, with no chance of ever seeing that person again, it would be unbearable, but because of the Atonement and my belief in a loving Heavenly Father, I know I will see them again. So every day is a challenge to keep my mind and emotions right, to stay busy doing what I love and serving others. I've been working all week on some quilts and burpers for the twins. They are getting so big Jenn is using their baby quilts to burp them with. I do have to say that sewing helps me created and do something I love. It's way more fun than laundry and dishes.

Where Did The Month Go?

I had two dentist appointments this week plus a visit to the chiropractor. As I was at one of these places someone said, "where did February go?" To me it seemed like it just dragged on but to others it flew past them. It seems like everyday brings another set of emotions. Sometimes the days are busy and happy and then others are filled with pain and sadness. I've been through this roller coaster of emotions before, so all I can do is move "onward and upward." After Kamber passed away I had a special experience where she came to me in the early morning hours. She didn't say a word but I could see how beautiful she looked and how happy she was. I had the same experience with my Dad last week but it was totally different. It was early morning again, somewhere between the different kinds of sleep when I realized I had been talking to him. I didn't hear his voice, nor did I see him, but I knew what he was saying to me. I know it sounds weird but I know what I felt. When I finally woke up and realized what had happened I tried to remember all that was said, spirit to spirit. These experiences are sacred to me and I am so thankful to have been able to experience them. It strengthens my testimony that life doesn't end when we die, we just move to a different dimension. I have often wondered if those who pass away mourn the loss of their family left behind. Does my Dad feel bad that he left Mom alone? She has been working all week on her taxes. I know how difficult it was for her because every time I talked to her she seemed frustrated and stressed about doing it all by herself. She even commented on how she wished Dad could have at least waited until after their taxes were finished. My sister and I both offered to help but she didn't seem to think we would be any help, she needed to do it by herself. Well, yesterday my sister took her to her appointment with her accountant and now that they are finished she can rest. Sometimes I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. It seems like every time I try to change and get my hopes up there is a setback, but I'm thankful for this old body of mine and for all that I've been able to experience and learn. I realize that we need to go through challenging things to be able to have sympathy and empathy for others. This will hopefully make me closer to the Savior which is where I want to be.

"Are You Giving Up?"

For the last month I've been all over the place emotionally. Life is hard enough without the death of a loved one. On Monday I was so tired from the weekend and hoping to have a good day. It seemed like everywhere I turned there was another challenge. By the time Rich got home, I was so despondent he just looked at me wondering what was wrong. When you are young and dumb, life seems so simple. When I was a teenager all I worried about was myself. I dreamed about getting married to "Mr. Wonderful" and riding off on that white horse and having ten kids. Except I'm afraid of horses and don't have much patience for that many kids. Anyway, after having four kids, numerous health challenges, disappointments and trials, sometimes I feel like giving up. That was where I was on Monday night. Rich looked at me and said, "After coming this far you are just going to give up?" Yep! That seemed like the right thing to do, crawl in a hole and cover myself up with dirt. I took a hot bath, said a prayer and went to sleep, not caring if I woke up or not. Well, it's Wednesday now and I'm still here. Everywhere I look there is something else to do and someone who needs my help. I'm just one person with lots of posterity that I worry and pray about everyday. Now I have a Mother who is lonely and I'm afraid is eating  less than 500 calories a day. Sometimes I feel like I'm caught between old and young and spinning in circles. No matter where I look there is someone with worse trials than me. I'm thankful for my blessings and am trying to see the good in others and in myself. Boy it's hard getting older and wiser and I'm afraid times are just going to get worse, but for now I will keep on going until it really is over, or I truly do give up.

Falling Apart

Another week has come and gone and I'm feeling a little bit more like myself.  I was warned that even though we knew Dad was terminally ill, until he actually passed, that was when the grieving starts. It's hard to get upset about him leaving because he was suffering, which we didn't want to happen. So he's starting his final act on the other side waiting for all of us to join him. The four of us got together the other day to talk about moving forward. It's nice to have an attorney and an insurance specialist on our side. Mell and I would be totally lost trying to deal with all the paper work that needs to be done surrounding his death. Mom and Dad have been good to get their estate in order and all we need to know is that it's divided between the four of us. Nice to know I wasn't written out of the will, they love me as much as my siblings, Whew! I have felt lately like I'm falling apart. I went to the doctor last month, spent a fortune trying to regulate my hormones and that seems to be causing some unwanted side affects. Then when I went in to get my prescription renewed I was warned that I'm getting close to diabetes, which I definitely don't want. It couldn't been the chocolate and carbs that I crave could it? Anyway, I just got home from the chiropractor and I'm in really bad shape. My right arm has been going numb and tingly and it's either arthritis or a pinched nerve in my neck. This almost sixty-two year old body has taken a few licks and now I'm paying the price. Next week I have two dentist appointments, one with the oral surgeon and the other an exam and cleaning. Then she will tell me how much my tooth is going to cost to hook on to my implant. It never seems to end and Rich has a front tooth that he has needed to fix for a few years now. It finally broke off so now he will be forced to take a few hours off from work to get it fixed, unless he just wants to look like a redneck.

When Did This Happen?

I have to admit these last few years and especially these last three months have been unbearable. This morning as I was taking a look back in time I wondered when all this happened. When did I lose my identity and my self esteem? When did I stop loving myself, making it hard to love anyone else around me? When did I let other people tell me who and what I am? Maybe it's the loss of hormones or the wisdom of age, but something has awakened in me and I need a change. Last night as I was brushing my teeth a thought came in to my mind. Why didn't Mom ask for help when Dad was so sick after his last dose of chemotherapy? We all knew he was really sick but none of us kids really knew just how sick he was. So this morning I asked Mom why she didn't reach out to us for help. Her answer was usual Barb, "you were all so busy with your own lives, I didn't want to bother you, I was doing fine." It's easy to second guess everything that has happened in life. If I would have known Dad was going to die I would have spent every second I could talking to him and trying to relieve his pain. So my life goes on wondering what I could have done better or different to change my life. One time when I was questioning some of my choices a friend told me, "the past happened the way the past happened, because that's the way the past happened." So it doesn't really matter what mistakes I've made in the past, the future hasn't happened yet, all I have is this moment, this second right now.  A few months ago when our home teachers were over Rich made the comment that he felt guilty he didn't have enough adversity in his life. As he looked around at others trials he felt he needed a big dose of adversity. If looks could have killed, I think he would be dead, because I think we have plenty of adversity right now. Unfortunately the adversity Rich wants, affects the rest of us and that's not fair. So life goes on, there are dishes and laundry to do and ten quilts waiting to be finished, and errands to run. How do I get myself back? The person that the Savior loves and is proud of, that's the question I want answered from Heaven. All the advice I get from Mom is "just do the best you can."

Starting the Firsts

I can't remember when I've ever been as sad as I have been these last few weeks. It isn't just one thing but a lot of little, or some big things that are bothering me. Losing a parent is hard, but losing a grand child is even harder.  A lot of the same feelings I had after Kamber's death have surfaced with Dad getting really sick and opting out of this mortal life. As I was talking to my Mom this morning, I just became so sad. She misses him terribly. She has been his caretaker for sixty-four years. I have seen her serve him by showering, dressing, and feeding him, plus getting his socks on. Then the last two weeks of his life cleaning up after him and being by his side as he took his last breath. She is also very grateful that his suffering is over and has faith that he is in a good place with his family and friends who have gone before him. I remember after Kamber passed away there was the first of everything, and now we start the firsts without Dad. The first Super Bowl, the first baptism of a great-grandchild, and tomorrow is the first Valentine's Day. I don't know how he and Mom celebrated but I'm sure there was a love note written, a simple meal and then watching something together on t.v.. Valentine's Day to me is right up there with Mother's Day and I'm happy when it's over. I have enough flowers around my house and I eat enough chocolate daily, that I don't need a special occasion to indulge in things that aren't in my best interest. I do love all my little heart decorations I put all over my house but those will be put away before the day is over. I wish I had the faith and hope of my parents. Dad was such a good example of doing hard things. With the injuries he suffered as a child and being brought up in an alcoholic home couldn't have been easy. He rose above it all and became a great man. He wasn't perfect and he struggled at times but when he left he took a part of me with him.

Kamber's 9th, Sick Kids and Service

I've spent the last two days over at Ethan and Jenn's trying to help their sick family. When we knew about the twins I had promised to help them as much as possible. They were born right before the Holidays and then both of them had surgery, which sent us into a tailspin. When Dad got sick and then passed away, there was another couple of weeks she has been on her own. When I got a call from Ethan asking if I could help because Jenn had now caught the nasty bug that most of the other kids have already had, I finally felt I could help. Wow! That's all I can say when I think about all the work being the mother of eight children, two of which are the same age.  This morning I was so tired when I woke up. I was watching the news and when they said it was Tuesday February 10th, a thought came in to my mind of what a nice day that would be for a birthday. Later on when Ethan called and asked if I knew what today was, I finally realized it was Kamber's ninth birthday.  Mindi and I took Trulie and we headed out to help the sick. Jenn had mentioned that the babies don't have any clothes now that they weigh almost twelve pounds, so we stopped at Kohl's to see what we could find. After buying a couple of sleepers, a few outfits and two umbrellas for the little girls we were on our way to their house. I started doing MORE laundry and Mindi fed the baby who was awake and Jenn went to the grocery store. I guess it's pretty hard to get to the store when you have so many kids and I'm thankful she was feeling well enough to make that trip. She came home with bags and bags of groceries and some pink and red cupcakes to celebrate tonight with the kids. Ethan was going to stop by the cemetery to decorate on his way home from work. As we were all talking about today, we are so happy for the grieving process.  Thankful for our knowledge and hope we will see her again, and finally that this year she has a great-grandfather that loved her and will spend some time with her today. Thanks again for whoever sent a package for the twins, that was the only thing that fits them right now. They were wearing them today so I had to take a picture of them and the cupcakes, which we will be having for dessert tonight to celebrate the life of a child who died too soon, and who we love more than anything.

Emotional Whirlwind

These last few weeks have just been a whirlwind of emotions. I know the stages of grief because of my past experiences but feel more prepared now to deal with them. At times I feel so sad and then others so extremely grateful for all the tender mercies I've received. The older I get the more I realize that we are asked to do really hard things while in this mortal state. At times I even wonder if I'm going to be able to take the pain and heartache of it all, and then I surprise myself that I did make it. I'm trying to get back to normal by making tamales and working on a quilt, keeping busy helps me keep my mind on the task at hand and not the sadness that likes to creep in. I worry about Mom and her ability to take care of herself. I know she is lonely but it has to be her decision to leave and come stay with us kids when the time is right. When my Grandma Fern passed away, they weren't even able to go into her house for a year, they were so devastated by her death.  I have been looking back on the week before Dad passed away. He talked to each one of us individually and told us his wishes were to be out of pain and stop all the medical heroics. We got the talk on Tuesday the 20th. On Wednesday none of us girls could go because of other responsibilities but Mom, my brothers and Ethan went to see him. If I would have known that was his last day alive, I would have stayed with him all day keeping him company. The last picture I took of him was the first day he was in the hospital so I could send it to the grandkids, most of them had planned on going to see him the day he passed away. Life is short and we never know when we will be thrown a curveball, but I do feel that most of us do the very best we know how, hopefully having no regrets.