Being home bound and "out of commission" has given me a huge amount of time to think. Usually thinking is worrying, so I guess you could say I've done a lot of worrying the last few months. I think all of us have some things about us that we hate. When I was a teenager and young woman I had terrible PMS. Every month I would go through the same cycle. Feel okay for about three weeks until all Hell would break loose and I would want a divorce, adopt out my children, move to Utah or anywhere it wasn't 120 degrees and dig a hole in the backyard and crawl in it. I went to every doctor I could to find help, I even went to the Mayo Clinic thinking they had the magic answer. Anyway, I suffered with that until I finally had a hysterectomy in 2005. That solved some of my problems but created new ones. Another part of my life I absolutely despise is the anxiety I suffer from. I remember always being kind of shy and quiet until I got to know people, then I would become almost obnoxious. After having a string of stressful events, I suffered a mental breakdown of sorts that has altered my life to where I am today. In some ways it has made me a more spiritual person because I have had to beg my Heavenly Father for help on many many occasions. People who have never had a panic attack or anxiety can not relate, but those who have understand the terror of it all. For the last couple of days I have been watching the rescue of the thirty three miners in Chile. I have been really interested in them because Spencer served his mission in Osorno Chile. When I look at those darling little people my heart melts for them. Anyway, when I went to bed last night they had pulled three of them out of the mine. They continue today working hard to get them all out. I find myself holding my breath and clinching my jaw while watching them. How hard would it be to be down in a mine for sixty nine days? I am so claustrophobic I won't even do an MRI so I can't imagine what those guys have gone through. It also makes me realize that we have no control over what happens to us as far as trials. Why were these miners saved? Why are there accidents where innocent children die but these miners were saved?
Last week at the doctor he told me to "lose the walker." I have been so discouraged that I can't seem to be able to walk without help. I was talking to my Dad today about it and how hard it is to still need help to walk. He asked me if I had been praying to my Heavenly Father and asking him for help? Do I have faith that the surgeon did a good job and that I will be healed? Am I doing everything I can to help with the healing process? Anyway, I know that the time will come when I will be thankful for the opportunity I had to walk down the road I'm on. I have so many blessings most of them I do not deserve. One thing I know for sure I am so glad I'm not down in that mine waiting to be pulled up to the freedom that I enjoy everyday.
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