Don't Let Fear Govern My Life

Yesterday was horrible for me. I have had such bad anxiety I was having some really scary thoughts. Last night as Rich and I were getting ready for bed I started to cry. I told him he didn't understand just how hard this surgery decision has been for me. To him it is a NO BRAINER, do you want to be in a wheelchair or take a risk that just maybe your life may get better? I had another sleepless night until I finally bit the bullet and took some meds. Well, the sun came up, my mood was a little bit better and my fears had gotten less debilitating. My parents who have been really worried about me called to see what kind of a night I had. I truly do not know what I would do without family who love me and care about my well being. My Mom has a friend who had said she wanted to talk to me. She has recently lost her husband, and while taking a little trip after his funeral she fell down some stairs and broke her elbow. She is going in to surgery on Thurs. to have the pin taken out. She was so very kind to me. She gave me some great insight on how I owe it to my grandchildren to have this surgery so I can be there for them. I also might some day be able to watch Spencer play in a game, but because of my pain and fears that hasn't happened yet. My sister then called and gave me her little lecture. Aren't that what older sisters do? She even offered to come over with her husband and play cards to keep my crazy mind distracted. She told me about President Hinckley who said that he doesn't let his fears govern his life.
Spencer called tonight and gave us some good news. Their little baby is doing so well they are sending her home from the hospital tomorrow. They did a little surgical procedure so that they can give her the antibiotics at home. Annie has spent every day and night in the hospital since she was admitted almost three weeks ago. Spencer made the comment about how sad it is to see all the little babies in the NICU whose parents don't even come to see them. If they are there they are outside smoking, he feels so sorry for these little children who he feels really don't have a chance because of their parents behavior.
I have decided that I need to be thankful that I live in a time where the advances in medicine and with the skill of good surgeons I will hopefully be able to do things I haven't been able to do for a long time. I have been concentrating on all the negatives and not been looking at the positives that may be coming my way. Rich reminded me last night of all the people who are going through things way harder than a hip operation. Anyway, hopefully I will be able to keep my head together and not end up in the mental ward. That's what I'm praying for tonight.