Submit Like A Little Child

The other day I went down to Mindi's to ask her a question and found Troy asleep on the couch. He looked so peaceful and I thought how nice it would be to be able to feel calm like little children do. When I went to our ward swimming party last week a friend came up and asked me how I was doing. When I told him the truth, "life is really kind of crappy right now" he said, "my Dad would always say getting old isn't for sissies." Boy is that true. I am faced with two very hard choices. Continue to be in pain and move towards the wheelchair route, or go through a really hard, expensive, and panic attack causing surgery. I don't think I have been this anxious, sad, upset, worried in a "stupor of thought" since Kamber passed away. It's easy for people to say, "just have faith and get the surgery done," but unless you are in that position you really can't have an opinion. I have been calling my parents trying to get past the doubts, I even suggested that maybe they put me in a mental home for a little while. They didn't want to do that. My Dad has had both of his hips and one knee surgically replaced so I know that he understands my fear. They have been so supportive and I know they love me and want what is best for me. I have been trying really hard to do all I can by praying, reading my scriptures, attending my church meetings and asking for the Holy Ghost to comfort me, but I still have this dark cloud of anxiety hanging over my head. One of my very best friends told me she thought it was normal for anyone having surgery to feel like I do, but it bothers me that I just can't seem to get the courage or faith to be at peace about this. I think part of the problem is having to wait six weeks to stew about it and do all the pre-surgery stuff adds so much stress. Anyway, I guess I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try my best to press forward trying to do the best I can with this place I find myself in. I know there are lots of people who are going through WAY worse stuff than just an arthritic hip, I pray for them everyday. I just want the peace that comes when we turn all our cares over to our Heavenly Father, and submit to all that is asked of me like a little child. That's my wish for this week.