Mell and I "Petitie Elephant" Shopping

Mindi Me Barb Mom Mell

My Mother gave me the assignment to get a bridal shower gift for a cousin of mine. She lives in a part of Scottsdale that doesn't have anything close for her to shop, so because she thinks I'm a professional shopper I got the honor. Since Mindi has been pregnant she doesn't want to go anywhere other than the grocery store, the feed store, oh maybe Kohl's if she needs something. So I called my sister Mell and asked her if she wanted to take me to get the gift and hit a few other stores who were having good sales. So off we went shopping. My sister taught school for 32 years so she was too busy when our kids were young to go shopping but since she's been retired we have been able to do a few things together. It took us an hour to get the gift and then we went to the mall to see if we could find any bargains in "petite elephant" sizes. That's what we call Plus Size clothing. Thanks Spencer and Annie for the gift card. On the way home we talked about our lives and did some comparing. I have always felt regret that I didn't get a job after my kids were in school. I had my degree but never got to pursue a career because taking care of the house chores and my four kids was hard enough. My sister on the other hand was married to a school teacher so she needed to work to help support her family. This has left all the work on Rich who loves his job and serving in the church but he would have appreciated some help. I always felt that if I had a job I would be thin like my Mother. As we talked about our weight issues we concluded that it was either Mom's fault for feeding us delicious food, or it was genetic, or maybe a combination of both. Why can't we just be happy with who and what we are? Anyway, the shower was wonderful I got to see my favorite cousin Barb who I adore, and the food was awesome. Maybe it's just my lack of will power that I'm "thick" whatever it is I have only myself to blame.

5 lbs of Milk Chocolate and a White Lab

On Monday Spencer, Annie and the kids left to go home to Colorado. As I was helping them get packed the night before I began to feel really uneasy. I told Annie I was having the same feelings I did when Spencer left for Chile on his mission. He's been home for over five years so why would those feelings come back to haunt me now? I guess that with all the uncertainty in the NFL right now, none of us really know what is going to happen to them. Will they have a job? When will they be able to come visit again? It doesn't matter how old my kids get I still seem to worry about them everyday. About an hour after they left Ethan showed up to move some stuff in the garage, then Jenn called and brought her kids over to play while she helped Mindi. Candi came over a little bit later with her boys and did some hair. So my sadness quickly left when the chaos of all my other grand children showed up. It was President's Day so the kids didn't have school, it was so nice when the bus pulled up and the children climbed on yesterday morning. Mindi and I spent the day running errands and doing laundry. I have been kind of "in the toilet," sometimes my life just isn't what I thought it was going to be. I have had expectations of what my life would be, but it is far from what I was hoping for when I was younger. I continue to struggle with the loss of Kamber and the relationship that won't happen on this earth. There are also relationships that suffer because of selfishness and ingratitude on my part. Life has been hard for me for a long time struggling with health and emotional problems and I wonder what choices I have made and keep making that make the suffering worse. I wish I had the courage to step out into the darkness and have faith that all will be okay, but I guess my lack of faith will keep me in this place forever. This past weekend Spencer and Annie went to Chicago. They brought me back the biggest Hershey chocolate bar I have ever seen, it is 5 lbs. of solid milk chocolate. They also gave me the news that Trixie wouldn't be making the trip back to Colorado with them. I think that was a really smart move on their part after visiting them and seeing their lifestyle. So I am now the proud owner of a one-year-old white lab who will hopefully soon move out of the puppy stage and stop chewing up everything in the back yard and knocking down my door twice a day when she wants to be fed. Maybe some day they will be in a position to have their dog, I'm not going to hold my breath but it gives me something to pray for.

Who wants some Chocolate???

The Senility Prayer

The weeks are going by fast as we are closing in on the end of February. Yesterday was my son-in-law Dave's birthday and tomorrow is Mindi's big 34. How can such a spring chicken like me have a daughter that old? It seems like with three birthdays and a funeral my life would be busy and my social calendar full, but I'm sure we will find some more activities to fill in the blank days. Tomorrow we have Trent's football tournament and then Tristyn's volleyball games next Sat. A good friend in the ward called this morning and invited Mindi and I to go to lunch for her birthday. That makes three visits to Tia Rosa's in a weeks time. I hate to even think about the havoc it reeks on my diet. How many calories are in chips and salsa, a cheese enchilada, beans, rice and a cheese crisp anyway? I'm sure way more than I'm burning off doing dishes and laundry.
Last year I started a quilt for Dave. Mindi and I rounded up all his old T-shirts from high school, his mission, and trips he took before he got married. I have had them in a pile for a whole year without doing one thing on them. Well, this week I decided to get it done for his birthday. I worked at least three hours a day all week and finally got it all put together except for blind hemming the binding on it. Around ten o'clock last night I took it in to him as he was having a piece of his birthday cheesecake. He seems to really like it and gave me a little hug. That was huge, because as I have said before we Larsen's aren't very affectionate to each other. Now tomorrow we will need to find a way to celebrate with Mindi. I'm going to suggest something other than Mexican food for her dinner. Life continues to teach me lessons I need to learn. Sometimes I wonder why the trials can't be taken away but then I realize it could be so much worse, so I'm trying to move towards accepting my life and myself the way it is. In my house I have a lot of little signs that I have been given as gifts or that I have bought myself. While I was in the laundry room throwing some clothes in the dryer I noticed one of my favorite sayings.

It says: The Senility Prayer

God Grant Me

The senility to forget the people I never liked.

The good fortune to run into the ones I do like.

And the eyesight to tell the difference!

That says it all.

Flowers, Card and Dinner

After complaining about how much I hate Valentine's Day Rich surprised me with flowers, a sweet card and dinner at Tia Rosa's. This last month has been crazy with me traveling between Gilbert and Denver, then a week later up to Salt Lake for Grandma Beth's funeral. I am a very simple person with simple needs. Because I have anxiety I hate to be in crowds of people and especially struggle in big stores like Costco and Wal Mart. I was feeling extremely sad on Sunday because Rich had worked six long days and then spent the Sabbath away from 6 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. with his church responsibilities. I am content just being a visiting teacher and even then going in to sisters homes is hard for me. Rich has spent our whole marriage serving in every calling imaginable. I have tried supporting him but I must admit at times it has gotten hard to watch him go on trips with the youth, outings with the scouts and to the Temple with the Young Women, leaving me behind. I feel extremely blessed to have a husband that tries very hard to live the gospel and serve when asked. Last night as we were getting ready for bed he said, "I just hate getting old." We are both feeling the affects of getting close to sixty. Anyway, all I could think of answering him with was, "what do you want to do, live forever?" I really think Rich would like to live for a very long time. Anyway, it was fun going out to eat by ourselves it has been a really long time since we went out alone. Hopefully we will be able to do it again soon.

You Have To Love Valentine's Day!

I hate Valentine's Day almost as much as my birthday. Even as a young child and teenager it was a holiday I was glad to see come to an end. Rich has always been good about getting me some flowers or a treat but the cards are so corny and gushy that there is no way I would embarrass myself by giving them. I usually just make my famous sugar cookies with the pink frosting and the candy hearts on them. With Rich dieting and my blood sugar climbing, I think I will pass on that tradition also. Today in church the talks all revolved around loving our families, spouses, children, even our pets, (not really I just included them.) I'm not very good at telling my family that I love them, but I try to show them by doing the laundry, dishes, ironing, cleaning and all those motherly and wifely duties. I admire those families when you hear them talking to a member of their family they say "love you" when their conversations are over. There again that isn't the way I was raised, I would have fallen over dead if one of my siblings told me they loved me. My Mom does tell me a lot how much she loves me and how "darling" I am, I appreciate that. If your own Mom doesn't love you, I would say you've got some serious problems. Last week at the cemetery celebrating Kamber's birthday I saw the most beautiful flower arrangement on a grave close by. I walked over to look at it and at first didn't realize what it meant. There was a large circle filled with white carnations. On one side of the circle was a collection of red roses in the shape of half of a heart. As I looked closer at the headstone I realized that these flowers were put on the grave of a husband who passed away last summer. This would be the first Valentine's Day the wife would be celebrating without her spouse. Some of my other family members came over to see what I was looking at and my Uncle commented that the flowers represented a "broken heart." I had to take a picture because I thought it was so pretty. Every time I go to the cemetery it reminds me how fragile life can be. We never know when it will be our time to go back to the spirit world where we came from. I need to get a better attitude about Valentine's Day, maybe I'll make those sugar cookies after all, then again maybe someone will make some for me!

My Life Is A Blurrr

I can't believe it's already been a week since I was up in Utah eating a Mexican dinner with our extended family on Rich's side. My life has been a blurrrrr since I went to Colorado, home for a week and then up to Utah for another week. I have been so tired but super glad to be home and sleeping in my own bed. Yesterday was a really busy day running errands and cleaning to get my house ready to celebrate Kamber's birthday. We all met at the cemetery and let the kids send off purple balloons in memory of her. My Mom, her brother Carl and his wife Sue surprised us and came to spend time with our family. It meant a lot because they are very special to me. Carl is my Mom's only surviving family member, the rest have all passed to the other side. Sue and Carl's first baby, a girl named Cinda Sue was stillborn, so they understand how hard it is to bury a child. I admire them so much, he being a Vietnam Veteran and all the service they have done in their lives. They live in California but come to Arizona to get away for a while. It's always fun to see them. I went to the doctor today to go over the blood work that was taken before I left town. There are a few things that are a little concerning, but hopefully nothing too serious. Since having my hip surgery I have been extremely tired, and sometimes really depressed. Some days it feels like my hip is getting better and then others where I need my cane to walk. Everyone says it just takes time to get my strength built up, but on Monday it will be five months since my operation. After being in the cold for a couple of weeks I'm getting anxious for it to get hot so I can get in my pool and exercise. That means over a hundred degrees for a week or two to even get it to warm up. Is that me hoping for hot weather? I know I will wish I were in Utah or Colorado in a few months, I guess I will never be happy. Life continues to teach me lessons I need to know. I wish I had listened to the spirit and called Beth on the Sunday before she passed away. I need to be better at doing the things I'm prompted to do. I miss Kamber everyday but know she is in a wonderful place with family who LOVE her. Those of us who are still here keep trudging along until it's out turn to join her.

Glad To Be Home

I've spent the last six days taking the "slow boat to China," I mean Salt Lake City to attend the funeral of Rich's Mom, Beth. We left last week on Thurs, morning traveling to Las Vegas and then arriving in Salt Lake on Friday afternoon. Rich, Mindi, Candi, Spencer and Annie all flew, but I rode up with Ethan, Jenn and their children. Friday evening we got together with all the extended family at a Mexican restaurant where we ate and visited. After dinner we went to the church to continue the get together and Rich's sister Marybeth brought out all of her Mom's possessions for the kids and grand kids to pick from. Everyone got something of Grandma's and that was special. On Sat. we had a viewing before the funeral, then the funeral, the grave site and dinner back at the church. She looked beautiful, better than I had seen her in a long time. Having a debilitating illness seems to age you, I know that my hip surgery has taken a toll on the way I look and feel. On Sat. evening we all went back to Rich's sisters house, had dinner and visited with the family until late in the evening. It's always fun to see the grand-kids and great-grand kids and see them all grown up. Mindi and Candi flew back home after the funeral but Rich, Spencer and Annie stayed until Sunday morning when they flew home. That left us "slow boaters" to spend another night in Utah. We decided to go to Temple Square because Jenn had never been there. It was a spiritual feast for us as we walked the Temple grounds and then went over to the new Conference Center and took a short tour. We enjoyed the sweet feelings we felt as a family in a sacred place. After we were finished in downtown we promised the girls we would take them to the snow. So off we went up to the ski resort and found a place for them to play in the snow. That was a huge mistake because it was 29 degrees and they only lasted about 30 seconds before they were crying and in pain from the cold. Jenn was feeling like she was getting the flu so we went back to our hotel ate dinner and watched the Super Bowl. I don't think I have ever watched the game from a hotel room but we were so tired it was nice to just relax on the bed. We got up on Monday morning and headed back to Vegas, spent the night there and then came on home yesterday. It was so nice seeing all the extended family and I am so proud of all my children making the sacrifice to honor their grandmother. I know it will be a while before I will be taking another trip, but it was wonderful to spend some time with Ethan and his kids, they are "darling." Now the hard part starts, getting my house clean, laundry done and catching up on my sleep. Plus tomorrow is a big day because it is Kamber's birthday and we will be getting together again for that. I'm so thankful for my family and for the knowledge that we will be together again no matter what happens. Hopefully Kamber and Beth have been able to visit and they both know how much we miss and love them.

All of the grandsons were pallbearers.

Us and our four kids at the grave site.

Rich and his siblings and spouses.

Me at Temple Square.

On the roof of the conference center.

In front of the statue of Christ.

"Death Is Merciful"

Yesterday I was sad all day long. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me. Was it "jet lag" from spending a week in the car with four small children? Was it disappointment in myself in the way I look and feel? Was it hoping that life was different and better than it is? I thought about Kamber all day long knowing that in ten short days it would be her birthday. Anyway, I watched a little t.v. took a long hot bath and was going to bed around 9:45 when the phone rang. I didn't recognize the voice but she seemed upset and wanted to talk to Richard. There are only a few people who call my husband Richard and they all live in Utah, plus it was an 801 area code, so I knew it was a call from someone up there. All I heard on the phone was a sad tone and him asking what he could do to help. When he hang up and I asked him who it was on the phone, he told me it was his sister and that his Mom had passed away. We are in shock, even though she has suffered from Parkinson's disease for a long time, we were hoping that she was doing well. On Sunday I told Rich that we needed to call his Mom and see how she was, it had been a while. We had a crazy busy day with ward conference, home teachers and dinner. Anyway, we never did make the call, and now that opportunity to visit with her is lost forever. As I said yesterday, each day is a gift and it is what we make of it that counts. I don't know what the funeral arrangements are now, I am hoping that most of our family can travel the twelve hours to Salt Lake City to be with our extended family who live up there. I remember when my Grandma Slade passed away I was so upset. She was 86 years old and spent most of her time in bed. As I was crying at her funeral my Dad said, "Teri, in lots of cases, death is merciful." I've never forgotten that. I know Grandma Beth has suffered so much with the illness she had to bare. I hope she is pain free and at peace, we love her and will miss her until we see her again on the other side.

"Life Goes On, The Sun Comes Up"

It's been crazy since I got home from Denver, besides fighting off a cold and cough I've been busy with other projects. I had a baby blanket to make for a shower on Sat. and then we celebrated my Dad's 82nd birthday later that night. It was also ward conference so we were suppose to be at the Temple that evening in preparation for the meetings on Sunday. I should have just stayed out of town, but traveling isn't that relaxing for me anyway. With my brother and his wife on a mission and my younger brother having family problems, my sister and I are on our own when planning the family gatherings. I guess it has always been the two of us doing most of the planning but at least we had a little support, now we rely on the younger generation for help and they are wonderful. Before I left for Colorado I had some blood work done because of some concerns from my doctor. Mindi called and told me the results showed a few problems so I have a follow up on Friday to see what's going on. As I was sitting there waiting for them to take blood I would look around to "people watch." Most of those coming in were elderly and either limped or needed a cane or walker for assistance. As I have gone to physical therapy I have noticed that most of those are also elderly with severe physical problems. As I was talking to my Home Teacher yesterday, who also happens to be my physical therapist. I told him about my observations and how scary it is to get old he said, "that is what is in our future." I have thought about that all day today. I look at my parents in their early 80's, will I even live to be in my 80's? I asked my Dad on his birthday how he felt being 82, his answer was, "I wouldn't want to give up one year that I've lived." In other words I guess he doesn't want to go back in time and relive the past. The older I get the more I realize that every day is a gift. We never know when someone precious to us will be taken back home. As we move in to Feb. my thoughts have turned to Kamber and how she would have turned five this year. How we all miss her and hope she knows how much we love her. As I looked at Brookie on Sat. she reminded me so much of her sister. She makes me smile when she talks to me. She was only three months old when the accident happened so when I see her it reminds me of how long we have survived the Hell of losing Kamber. Anyway, life goes on, the sun keeps coming up and we get that much closer to another celebration that we have been given the opportunity to make it to.

"There's No Place Like Home"

Snow as we pulled out of Denver

Three tired boys loaded up to come home.

Wow! We finally made it home last night around 7:30 p.m. We left Denver and it had snowed all night, just a light dusting but Spencer decided we were going to get up at 4:00 a.m. and hit the highway. We got up early but by the time we got everything loaded and the kids out of their beds and loaded into the car it was 5:15 a.m. It was cold and dark but the snow was pretty, so I took a picture as we drove away from their house. It was so fun to get away and visit some really fun places but "there's no place like home." As we were pulling into the valley and I saw all the lights in the far off distance, I realized I was home. We came down through Winslow, Pine and then Payson with all the snow and the pine tress it was beautiful, but when we got to the desert and the warm air I asked Spencer if he felt like he was coming home. His answer made me sad as he said, "No, this just feels like a vacation, my home is in Colorado." I think they like to be alone as a little family in their own home away from all of us wanting to spend time with them and pulling them from place to place. They do a lot of fun things with their kids during the off season, something Rich and I never had after he started his own business twenty-six years ago. This morning we got up and Spencer, Annie, Mindi and I did some exercising. He is trying to help me build up the muscles surrounding my hip to make it possible for me to walk without a cane. He told me he wanted me to go all week without using my cane. I told him I would if he would shave his ugly facial hair off. So when he shaves, I will try and walk without my cane. Last night I was so tired after sleeping with a four-year old who coughed all night I've come down with a cold and lost my voice. It felt weird to be in my house. I looked around to see my surroundings and it was almost like I had been away for a really long time. What a difference a week makes in the way you view your life. I guess we all need a little change of scenery to make us realize just how many blessings we have. I don't think I will ever drive the fourteen hours to Denver again, and I know there will be a time when Spencer's kids will be in school and they won't be coming as often. I'm sad about that but understand he has a different life now with a wife, three kids and a job far away from us. One thing I did realize is that where ever I go I take myself, the good the bad and the ugly. It's only a change of scenery. I'm glad to be home in my bed with my husband instead of my four year-old little grandson, but I have lots of fun memories that I will never forget!

My Colorado Adventure Is Almost Over

My "Colorado Adventure" is coming to an end. We have spent all day cleaning, doing laundry and running more errands before we leave tomorrow. On Sat. Annie and Spencer went to help a cousin load her U Haul because she was moving to a different apartment. It was by the Temple so Annie ran me over to see it. The Temple was closed but we were still able to get close enough to take a picture. On Sunday we went to church and then on a scenic drive up north to see some really pretty country. Yesterday they took me up to the Red Rocks. It was beautiful but freezing. It is an amphitheater that has been carved into the side of amountain. Spencer thought he would pull a fast one on me and tell me I needed to go to the bottom of the place to see it. When we got to the bottom we let the boys climb on the rocks behind the stage and then took some pictures. What I should have realized as I was going down is that I was going to have to hike out of that place. There was several times that I thought I was going to die and Rich would have to come up to take my body home. I was cussing Spencer out the whole way up, but I finally made it out. We counted 138 stairs that I went up and lived to tell about. There were lots of people there exercising with their dogs and others just site seeing like us. After the hike we went to the Outlets at Castle Rock to do a little shopping. Annie found some bargains at the children's stores but I didn't see anything I loved so I didn't buy anything. I am so glad I came up here and finallygot to see where Spencer lives and plays. They have been so kind and accommodating but it will be good to get home and sleep in my own bed, alone.I've been sharing a bed with Troy who has been coughing every night since we've been here. I hope Mindi is ready to have her little baby boy back. I hate the heat of the summer in Arizona but I will be happy to get home and feel the warm sunlight on my frozen body. We are praying for a safe drive home tomorrow and have good weather all the way, not to mention having the four little children survive the long journey home. I will be so happy to see Rich and the rest of my family soon.

Denver Temple

Entrance to the temple

At the Bottom of Red Rocks

Boys playing behind the stage

All of us at the bottom

Half way up! (Annie encouraging me)

Made it, look at that view.

Visiting Mile High and the Aquarium

Time is going by so fast up here in Denver. We have spent all day everyday seeing the sights and running errands. On Thurs. we drove into the city to see Mile High Stadium where the Broncos play. In the entrance they have a waterfall with a bunch of horses. I got some pictures of the little boys standing under the horse. Yesterday we went back downtown to go to the aquarium. At first it was a little bit overwhelming but we got through it. I could not believe the size of some of the fish and they had a huge feature with sharks, turtles, barracudas and stingrays. They also had an enclosure with a tiger and another one with some otters. It has been a little bit hard because the air is so dry up here that I wake up at least three or four times a night drinking water and putting carmex on my lips. Annie finally put a humidifier in my room to try and help with the cotton mouth, but I'm still getting up. Yesterday I started getting a little bit homesick, I've never been a person who loved to travel and live out of bags and sleep in someone elses bed, but all and all I'm glad I came. Life is too short to just hibernate in Gilbert, but it makes me appreciate the nice warm sun and the beauty of the desert. Denver isn't anything like I thought it would be. I had visions of being in the mountains with pine trees everywhere but I think that's only up in the mountains. The nights have been the hardest for me, Troy has been sleeping with me and he loves to stretch his legs out and knee me all night. He also asks me every night if we can go home and sleep in his own bed. We only have four more days until we will heading home, it's been a fun change but I will be glad to sleep in my own bed

Popped-Belly Sea Horses

The boys put their heads under a little bowl so they could see the fish swim around their heads.

Puffer Fish

Turtle and Barracuda

Petting the Sting Rays

The Coughing Crusade

Spencer decided on Sunday that I needed to go to Denver and see his house and where he plays football. I was trying to think of a way to get out of going, but he said it was "non negotiable." So on Tues. morning we packed the Tahoe and off we came. I had NO idea what a long drive it is from Gilbert, Arizona to Denver, Colorado. We made really good time and the weather was clear and it still took us fourteen hours arriving in Denver at 2 a.m. Wed. morning. We brought Mindi's little guy Troy so we had four kids under the age of four. Troy and Tyton had a bad cough when we left and by the time we got to Albuquerque I was ready to find any drug that would suppress a child's cough. Annie ran in to Target but didn't take any ID so when she went to buy some medicine they wouldn't sell it to her. What? So we listened to them cough until they fell asleep. We spent all day Wed. running errands at the grocery store and buying stuff I forgot, and then came home to rest. At about 3:00 in the afternoon it started to snow and boy was it pretty we woke up to two inches of snow in their backyard. Hopefully we will have a fun day running errands and seeing the sights. I want to see the Denver Temple, the Bronco stadium, and they want to go to the Aquarium up here. I don't know how much we will be letting the kids play in the snow, I'm getting tired of the "coughing crusade."

"Lose Myself to Find Myself"

Yesterday marked the four month milestone since my hip replacement. I didn't realize it until I was at the doctors office getting a physical so I can schedule my mammogram. I don't know why they need to check you "down under" when there isn't anything to check, but I'm glad that's over for at least another year or two. I had a friend call me in the afternoon and asked me how I was doing with my hip. I told her that the pain is a lot better but I still can't walk very well without a cane. She made the comment that "isn't it funny how it never is as good as what God gave us." Boy that is so true, the replacement parts just don't feel as good as the parts we were born with. I went to see my friend this week who is helping me through this thing we call mortal life. I always feel a lifting of the dark cloud that hangs over me when I leave. We always talk about the passing of Kamber and my question is always the same, "will I ever get over this feeling of sadness?" His answer is always, "No, you will never forget, but hopefully be able to accept it and move on." He also suggested that I do some writing about my feelings and thoughts everyday. Also to keep a "gratitude journal" because having gratitude is one of the most powerful and healing emotions that we have. Huh! That's my problem I don't show enough gratitude for all the blessings that I have in my life everyday. It is so easy for me to get caught up in the chores I have to get done or the errands that I need to run, it becomes overwhelming for me. I was just talking to Spencer about some challenges I have and he suggested that I go to Denver with them for a week or two. He is such a good son and I love how he has matured into a great husband and father. I don't take any credit for that other than him seeing from me what he didn't want in his family. I was telling him how I wished I would have gotten a job and had a career after my children went to school. Then he quoted the scripture that says that "if you lose yourself then you will find yourself." So some how I need to find myself in what I've got to work with here right now.

Life Is Passing Me By

This week has gone by really fast for me. The older I get the faster my life seems to be passing me by. I have Trace's quilt almost finished but last night as I was sewing the binding on, my brand new machine broke down. The needle broke and the bobbin holder pulled out. I had to get my old dinosaur machine out and finish the darn thing. Today Spencer and Annie were nice enough to take me by the shop where I bought it and leave it to be fixed. We then went out to Krazy Sub, (you got to love those sandwiches) and then off to the Reebok store to do a little bit of shopping. It's fun going with Spencer because everything is free. Well, not really it's just one of the perks he gets for working his butt off. I have been "down in the dumps" a little bit about all that has gone on this week. The shootings in Tucson have made me realize how I need to live each day with no regrets. As I get older it's easy to look at all the mistakes I've made, things I wish I would have done different or maybe shouldn't have done at all. I wish I could have used my degree and had a career. Maybe if I would have had another baby it would have helped me overcome my despair about my miscarriage. Anyway, my new years resolution was to only worry about myself. Change what I can about myself that I don't like and move on, but it's hard when there are others involved. I'm not the type of person to sit silently and not voice my opinion, that gets me in to lots of messes. Anyway, my resolution was good for about two days so I think maybe I need to find another one. On the drive home from the mall Annie mentioned that there is a little boy her sister knows that has just been diagnosed with leukemia and wondered if there was anything they could donate to a silent auction. We all agreed that having a child with cancer would not be something we would want to deal with. Do we have a choice in what trials we are asked to endure? I would have never guessed some of the stuff I've been through, but no matter how bad it's been, I know someone has it WAY worse than I do. I'm grateful for the knowledge I have that I lived before I came to this earth and that I will continue on to the other side when I'm called home. Maybe things will get easier then.

Mammograms, Quilts and Saving Dogs

I thought after the holidays things would get easier and less hectic. It seems like life just continues to get more complicated and busy. I got a letter reminding me that it has been a year since my last mammogram. Of course to get a paper to get one scheduled I need to see my doctor. So this week that I thought was going to be calm, has turned into another busy one. I have been really sad about the shooting in Tucson of the Congresswoman and nineteen other people. It sickens me that some crazy person would kill innocent people in the parking lot of a grocery store. When a family member dies unexpectedly it sends you in a tailspin that is really hard to get out of. I remember what a fog I was in, and how much it has changed the way I view my life now. I got a call from my son Sat. afternoon telling me that our dogs had gotten out of the fence and were running loose somewhere in Queen Creek. At first I got mad and then started praying for their safe return. They got out a couple of weeks ago and a nice girl called me and put them back in the yard, so I was hoping I would hear from someone soon. Every few minutes I would plead for help in finding them. They are big dogs so I was hoping someone would just find them and give me a call. I didn't hear from anyone until 9:45 sat. night. I got a call from a lady who found the dogs in the middle of the street and fearing they would be run over picked them up and took them to her house clear out in Chandler. Spencer took me out to retrieve Sonny and Sadie and they seemed happy to be home. I'm busy working on a quilt for Trace as his 10th birthday is next Sunday. So on and on life goes with quilts to make and mammograms to schedule. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Number Fifteen on the Way!

It has been fun having Spencer, Annie and their little family staying with us. They usually stay at the Pugmire's when they come because Spencer uses the excuse that we have scorpions and Annie is afraid of them. Anyway, Rich assured them that because it has been so cold we won't see any, so hopefully that will be true. It seems like every Christmas for the last couple of years one of our kids has announced that they are expecting. Last year Jenn and Ethan told us of their pregnancy and Annie was also pregnant but wasn't saying anything yet. Well, this year Mindi is the one who is having a baby. After her miscarriage in April I am proud of her for having enough faith to try again. If I have one big regret in my life it is that I didn't have the faith to have another baby after suffering my miscarriage when Spencer was two years old. I started having some bad emotional problems after losing my pregnancy and never wanted to go down that road again. Mindi is on her way to the doctor for the first time. She was having bad anxiety and worrying that maybe they wouldn't hear a heartbeat like the last pregnancy. Why is it so hard for us to have faith that our Heavenly Father is watching over us and knows what's best ? Every time I look at baby Abney I have such a huge feeling of gratitude that her life was spared. It could have gone so bad so easily, but we are convinced that through the power of the Priesthood and the faith and prayers of those who love her and her family, that her life was spared.

On Tues. night when Tristyn and I went out to feed the animals she started screaming at the dogs. I guess my two rabbits had dug a hole and gotten out. My other two "rabbit, chicken, turtle or anything that moves" killing dogs are over at Ethan's but Spencer's lab and a friend of ours retriever had killed one rabbit and were chasing the other one around the yard. What the HECK! Why can't I keep my animals safe from the predators? Anyway, Rich buried the one and I brought the other one in the house until we could fill in the hole. This morning I went out to check the pool because it isn't working that well and when I looked into the skimmer I found these two baby water turtles. I don't know how they got in there because the pond the parents are in is on the other side of the yard. Anyway, I was sure they were dead. I have no idea how long they have been in the pool. I picked them up and put them in my bathroom sink with some warm water and was so excited when they started swimming around. Now I don't necessarily want two more turtles but I'm glad I was able to save them. It seems like life is just a constant "never know what's going to happen next" kind of thing. I guess it would be boring if we didn't have all these challenges to work through. I hope to be able to handle the next ones coming my way.

Shopping, Wedding and Baby Blessing Oh My

Well, I lived to welcome in a new year. Every summer I ask Rich if we can move to Utah where the summers are cool, but because he HATES the cold we stay here. After this weekend I can honestly see why he wants to live in the warm climate. We have tried to keep our flowers, citrus trees and animals alive while the temperature got in the twenties out here. It is kind of nice because I can wear my winter clothes at least once before putting them away for another year. I spent New Years Eve alone while Rich went to the Stake Center to chaperon the little darlings in our stake. I was so tired from worrying about Spencer and Annie driving from Denver in the blizzard that it was nice to just go to bed.
I did go out to Ethan and Jenn's and have dinner but I wanted to get home before all the drunk drivers were out. It was fun having all my kids and grand kids together for the first time in a while. We took a picture of the two new babies and they were cute looking at each other. Mindi and I braved the cold and hit a few sales on Saturday and then Rich, Tristyn and I went to a wedding. It is always fun for me to see what decorations they have and food they serve. It was really pretty and the food was delicious.

Yesterday we had everyone over for a luncheon after the blessing of baby Abney. It is so stressful for me to have people come to my house because I feel like it needs to be spotless, which it never is. For some reason I have had terrible anxiety since my surgery. I struggled with the crowds in the stores and the church was packed because of the two baby blessings. When we were driving home I felt such an overwhelming feeling of stress that I began to cry. After losing one grand daughter and almost losing another I had to sit in the truck a minute to pull myself together. I'm reading a book that compares each one of us to Adam and Eve and how they went into to "lone and dreary world." Each one of us has to have trials and adversities in order to prepare us to return home to our Heavenly Father. I HATE trials. Some of the things we are asked to do are hideous. After Kamber passed away I wanted to go with her. I didn't think I would ever be able to be happy again. Some of that sadness still lingers on but I am determined to fight this for as long as my heart beats, that is all I can offer up for all the other blessings I have. So for the New Year my resolution is to try to BE and DO the best that I can and realize that I am here to prove myself worthy to return home to see those I love on the other side.

"Forever 58 or Forever Grouchy?"

After spending a week decorating my house and the last three days undecorating, I think next year I'm going to make some drastic changes and make it way more simple. I now know why my sister just puts up a little ceramic tree and calls it good. I went to bed the other night in a bad mood after hearing some disturbing news about some extended family members. All night long I kept thinking about it and becoming more upset. I had also been told to"stop being so bossy," and "it's not what you say, it's how you say it," that has made me not want to talk to anyone right now. We had some family come stay overnight and that was stressful also, so Candi thought she would do me a favor and take me on a ride to get me out of the house and hopefully out of the "doldrums." I hadn't put any makeup on and I was okay with that because we were just going to get some fresh air. Well, we ended up at the San Tan Mall in Macy's to do a little after Christmas shopping. I found a couple of blouses really cheap and then Candi and Tristyn wanted to go to Forever 21. She assured me it was just outside of Macy's and the exercise would do me good, so with my cane in hand off we went. Well, it isn't just outside of Macy's it's down the street and over a block. By the time we got there I was already tired, and if you have ever been in that store it has loud music and tons of people, not to mention wall to wall teenager clothes. Pushing a stroller with two young children and a handicapped person through the narrow aisles of the store was claustrophobic for me but we persevered. After about an hour of shopping I needed to get the heck out of there. Candi went and paid for her purchases and we took Major and started walking back towards Macy's. As we rounded the corner I saw a bench just sitting on the sidewalk on the side of the mall and took a seat. Tristyn took Major over to the bathroom and there we sat until Candi got the car and picked us up. It was fun to be out and about but with this dang hip it makes everything so much harder. It was so nice to get home and take a nice long, hot bath, take some pain reliever and go to bed. I was thinking this morning that I need to open a store that is named "Forever 58", or maybe even "Forever Grouchy," then maybe I could find something that would fit me in there.

Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

The most wonderful time of the year is coming to a close and boy am I happy. We had a really nice Christmas, it was very simple but we got through it. This year didn't really feel like Christmas, I don't know if it was because the weather was so warm or if I just never caught the spirit like years past. Maybe not being able to stay out late in the mall and shop until I couldn't walk another step was another reason. I have spent all day today taking down my decorations. It makes me crazy when my house is in disarray. I had Rich help me a little bit last night take down my huge wreath over the fireplace but it is still sitting in the family room where it will stay until next weekend probably. Spencer and Annie will be on their way from Colorado on Thurs. The Broncos put him on the Injured Reserve List (whatever that means) so he won't be playing the last two games because of his injured ankle. I have mixed emotions about that, it is so fun to watch him play, but I miss his little family and I have never even seen their new little baby girl. After dinner on Christmas Day we headed over to the cemetery. I could not believe how beautiful it was there. Rich made the comment that it was more decorated than on Memorial Day. I could not believe how creative people are in decorating the graves. There were trees, wreaths, bulbs, flowers, toys and every kind of decoration you can think of. I love Kamber's headstone. Ethan and Jenn did such a great job when they designed it. Every time I see it, it makes me smile. I miss her so much, there is definitely a hole in our family because of her passing, but now the hard part starts when we try and live a life worthy to live with her. It seems like I did pretty good for a couple of days last week but now the "after Christmas blues" has started to set in. I'm sure it's something in my childhood, it's for sure my parents fault. Ha Ha! I'm trying to pull myself out of the dumps so I can start the new year off right. Hopefully when I get all my decorations put away things will get better. The sun will come up tomorrow for sure! At least I hope so.