Thoughts and Prayers

Our family has been deeply saddened by the recent boat accident off the Florida coast involving two NFL players and two former college players. Spencer played football with Marquis Cooper at Highland and Annie ran track with him. We were talking about it this week and how sad we are for their families. It's almost like having a scab removed again. Although our situation is different, loss is loss. We have reflected on how we got to hold Kamber and dress her and say our final goodbyes. We got a little bit of closure. We can not imagine what these families are going through. Why did one survive while the others drifted away? Why was Kamber taken away from us? I was talking to a friend this week and said, "if I could just see where Kamber is I know I wouldn't want to bring her back." He said, "she is where she is suppose to be." I guess I need to have more faith that our Heavenly Father is in charge. This isn't really our home. We are just here for the experience of having a body and proving what choices we will make to return to him. Not all of us will have to lose a child or grandchild, but I am convinced we have to go through hard times to humble us and make us more like our Savior.

My Baby Is 25

Where did the time go? How is it that my youngest child is 25? Spencer was born on Sun. March 4, 1984. I went to Mesa Lutheran Hosp. at 4:00 a.m. and he was born at 5:04 a.m. I was lucky to have two darling girls and two handsome boys. I know everyone thinks their kids are the cutest, but Spencer was darling. The first thing I noticed about him when they brought him to me was the HUGE dimple in his chin. I remember how excited Grandma Greer was because her "daddy had the same chin." It has kind of moved to the side a little from being hit so many times in football, but I still think it's cute. Because Spencer is three years younger than Ethan we had three years alone before he went to school so I would take him everywhere with me. I remember one day taking him to Mervyns to shop. He was probably about 3 or 4 years-old. He was hiding under the clothes and turning the rounders and not being good. I picked him up and swatted his butt and scolded him, (okay, I probably cussed a little too). Anyway, when we got in the car I told him he was a bad boy to act like that in a store. The next time we ran errands and I told him we were going to Mervyns he said, "I don't want to go to Muvens, I don't do good at Muvens." He couldn't say his R's or L's so he said some really cute things. We never know when we get these little spirits from heaven what challenges we are going to have with them. I am thankful for all my experiences with my children. Some have not been fun. Some have been heartbreaking for us. But, we have been blessed through going through the trials. Everything I didn't want to have to go through raising four kids I got to experience, (well almost everything.) I wouldn't change any of it nor would I want any other children. The older I get the more I realize how lucky I am that my children survived having me as their mother. I'm thankful the Lord trusted me with these strong spirits.

Lunch With The Girls

Last year we decided that instead of giving birthday gifts we would just go out to lunch to celebrate. This is our second year going and it was fun to get out with just adults. We went to the Paradise Bakery and got sandwiches, soup and salads. Now that Linda has moved to Chandler I miss not seeing her and my nieces and nephews much. Julie lives three houses down, but with Len as the Stake President her life is way busy. It's weird to think that for thirty years I have been able to stay close and build relationships with my sister and sister-in-laws. I was a spoiled brat as a young girl, (some things never change). I didn't treat my sister very nice while we were growing up. She was way smart and studied hard only getting one "B" in her whole life. I loved my friends and boyfriends, sports and everyone else besides my family. We had early morning seminary and I hated getting up early. My sister Mell would turn the alarm on and then wake me up. I decided to turn the alarm off when I went to bed so she would be late to seminary. I hope I can be forgiven for that. When Kamber passed away Len and Julie went to the hospital to console Ethan and Jenn, I know that meant a lot to them. Then Linda and Julie organized all the pictures at the viewing and funeral. Julie also wrote the obituary, which was perfect. Everything they do is done with class and style. I appreciate everything they have done for me and our family. We are getting older and each of us have had our trials. I am so thankful for my sister and that my brothers were smart enough to pick some darling girls to marry.

Walking the Mall

I'm sad to say that my days of walking the mall are over. Yesterday Mindi and I spent three hours shopping the mall trying to use all her coupons she got for her birthday. We started out at Macy's and after going to Merle Norman, Just Sports, Victoria Secret, Bath and Body Works, Lane Bryant, The Children's Place and Dillards, I was done. My poor fat arthritic body was talking to me. I could barely make it to the car. I spent all last night in pain and after two Aleve and a Tylenol I was still hurting. So I just layed awake wondering how I have come to this place in my life. It was 1986 and I became pregnant with my fifth child. I had four children under the age of nine and wasn't that excited (that was an understatement) to be pregnant again. I couldn't believe I was pregnant and told the doctor I didn't feel the same this time. I wasn't feeling horrible like I usually did. Anyway, to make a long story short, I had a miscarriage at eleven weeks. The baby died sometime around eight weeks. It was traumatic for me because I had never lost a pregnancy before. I had four healthy children but that didn't really ease the pain. After this experience I started having some really strange symptoms. I didn't feel like myself. I was going through life oblivious to what was in store for me physically and mentally. We were having financial problems because Rich had quit his good job to go in business for himself. We didn't have any money and I worried all the time about how we were going to keep our house and feed our children. I remember my parents giving us money for food. Then I ended up having three surgeries and radiation on my thyroid for the second time. As I was awake last night I thought of some of the judgements I have made of others wondering why they acted and looked the way they did. One thing I have learned is that we never know what people are going through or what they have gone through to make them who they are. I am sure there are others who are saying "both my ores are not in the water." All I know is that I won't be doing the mall thing anytime soon.

Insomnia

Is it age, hormones, stress, or a combination of life that makes me not get a good night sleep? Rich says it's because I don't do enough during the day, so I'm not tired enough. Huh! For the last few months I've been waking up at 2:30a.m. each morning. I lay there awake until Rich gets up between 4:30 & 5:00a.m. before I finally get back to sleep. This is wearing me down. While I'm awake I just think of all the things I need to do the next day. I worry about money, my kids and grandkids, errands I need to do, housework and a bunch of other stuff. Last night was especially bad. Rich has been sick all week so all I did last night was lay there and listen to him breath. Then I worried that I was going to get the "creeping crud" and what I needed to do to keep away from him. So, I pulled the sheets up over my mouth and nose and prayed that I don't get sick. Three hours is a long time during the night to be awake, but it goes by really fast. I started thinking about how our lives have changed since Kamber returned to Heaven. How fast someone can be taken from us. How unprepared we were to go through a trial so hard. I have often said, "there isn't a scripture, a lesson, a conference talk, or testimony that can prepare you for the loss of an innocent child." I have often prayed that I could talk to her one last time. That I could tell her how much I love her and how special she is to us. Maybe she already knows, I sure hope so.

Boy are we spoiled!

The last couple of months have been really stressful for me. We have had a ton of birthdays and Valentine's Day also. It seems like all I did was clean and do housework and run errands. Today I decided to take a day off and go to Tristyn's club volleyball tournament in Phoenix. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. because I was worried I wouldn't get up in time to get my chores done, shower and get to the Salvation Army gym by 8:00 a.m. We left a little late but made it there half way through the first match. It was weird to be on the road on a saturday morning because that isn't my routine. The weather was beautiful and it was nice to just be out and about. After we watched the first game we ran to Walgreens to get a birthday gift for a party the boys were going to in the afternoon. We were on Broadway and around 16th street. Wow do I live in a lead mine. I felt so spoiled as we saw some of the people walking down the street. Some had all their possessions in a shopping cart, others were just carrying them in a few sacks. The homes were painted some really wild collors like pink, orange, and blue. I wondered, why do I have a nice home, a great family, the gospel, and so many blessings, and these people have nothing? I know they are our Heavenly Father's children also, but why is their life so hard? I have such gratitude for my parents, my husband and my children. It's too bad that I have to take a trip to South Phoenix to remind me just how good I have it.

Pathway of Discipleship

I am amazed at how fast my life seems to be moving. As I get older it seems like it takes longer to do the things I could breeze through a few years ago. Rich looked in the mirror in our bathroom the other night and said,"Wow, I feel like I have really aged the last few months." I said, "I think since Kamber died we have both aged a bunch." I've been reading a really good article by Elder Neal A. Maxwell called "The Pathway of Discipleship." He was a great Apostle that ended up getting leukemia and dying. Most of his stuff is WAY over my head, but a few things really stood out. We are here to develop divine attributes of love, mercy, patience, submissivenss, meekness, and purity. The only way we can get these is through our experiences; those trials we are asked to pass. "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."(D&C 122;7). He then goes on to say that by living the Gospel we will become more aware of situations where we can do good. I know I am surrounded by people who are trying to be disciples of Christ. The kindness of people around me continues to amaze me. The little notes in the mail, the calls, and the darling gifts I received honoring Kamber on her birthday last week will never be forgotten. Thank you all for caring about my feelings. I hope to become a better disciple of Christ myself.

Emotional Week

I can't believe another week has passed by. Life is turning into a whirlwind for us. We had Kamber's birthday celebration on Tues., a ward Valentine dinner last night, Trace's baptism today and we just got home from a dear friend's 65th birthday party. I have spent the most part of the last two weeks trying to clean house, decorate, and finish projects to prepare for this week. As I was sitting in the car with Troy on Fri. morning while Mindi ran in to Hobby Lobby I started having really bad anxiety. I felt totally overwhelmed with what was asked of me. I was to host 4-5 couples in my home for a ward party. I was having the whole family over for a luncheon after Trace's baptism. How could I possibly do that? I was feeling really bad about losing Kamber and not being able to come to grips with that loss. I have heard that when you start feeling that pressure, to start writing down all your blessings. So, I grabbed my purse and found a small slip of paper and started listing all the things I was grateful for. After writing down about 20 things on my paper I started feeling a little better. It took my mind off all the worries I had and I concentrated on the positive things going on in my life. I do have so many blessings. I have been told that I am a negative person, that I only see the bad in every situation. We had a great day today. I felt the spirit really strong. But I also felt the missing child that wasn't there with our family. I hope time will heal this hole in my heart.

Up and Down

Have you ever noticed how when you have a good day, a special day, whether it's Christmas, a wedding, a birthday, or even after Conference, you always seem to have a major letdown the next day? S0 went my day today. We had such a special day yesterday remembering Kamber on her birthday. We met at the cemetery in the late afternoon and wrote messages to her on little papers. We tied them to the balloons and let them go at the same time. We watched them until we couldn't see them anymore. Then we went to Ethan and Jenn's and had pizza, salad and birthday cake. When I was at the cemetery I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel her there. But when we got to the house for dinner, Jenn had a cute little list of things that Kamber likes. It was very emotional for me and I could feel her spirit really strong. Ethan and Jenn continue to amaze me with how strong they are. I know in their private time they struggle, but they are an example to me. As everyone knows, I love animals. I help a friend of mine rescue unwanted or found rabbits, birds and tortoises. Well, I had a little white rabbit that the other rabbits were beating up. They hurt his back and bit his tale until it was bleeding. So I made the decision to move him over into another pen with the tortoises. He was doing really well and yesterday he was hopping all around and looked happy. Well, this morning Rich came in to tell me that my little white rabbit had been killed and almost eaten by my dogs. The gate is broken and it hadn't been secured enough so they jumped over the barrier and killed him. I am smart enough to know that this is just a rabbit and there will be more where he came from, but it put me in a bad place for today. Life is hard. It is full of good times and bad. My Dad always says, "The sun will come up tomorrow." Rich says,"Some days are diamonds, and some are stones." Well, the sun will come up tomorrow, but today was a stone.

This is after we let all of the balloons go.

KAMBER'S BIRTHDAY!

What a wonderful day. We had a good storm last night and in Arizona that is always a treat. As I went out to feed my cat and water the plants on the front porch I thought of how pretty my flowers are getting and how much they must have loved the rain. When people come to the door they always say how good my flowers smell. I remember a few months ago when Rich and his guys were planting them. I had to go inside my house and have a good cry. But, it has almost been 7 months now and I think as a family we are moving closer towards acceptance. I believe that the Lord's hand is in everything. We can't pick and choose which experiences he has his hand in. People have been so kind to us. I have felt their prayers and I hope to be worthy to receive the spirit to help me. I just went out to get the mail and there was a note from some dear friends. It was a saying that Elder Wirthlin gave in the Oct. 2008 conference. He has since passed away. It says, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." I know that because of our love for Kamber it has changed who we are. I hope we can be among the faithful Elder Wirthlin was talking about. Happy Birthday precious Kamber, we will always remember and love you.

The Big Elephant

I was talking to a friend today and explaining how I feel about the big pink elephant sitting in my house. Maybe I don't have a pink elephant in my house, but I do have a dark cloud hanging over my head. It follows me everywhere I go. Sometimes the elephant leaves and the sun shines through the clouds, but most of the time they don't. My sister called and told me she and her husband have been asked to give a talk in church this week. The subject is "Surviving Spritual Hurricanes." She wanted to know if I had any insight on that. I sent over Rich's talk on "Gratitude for Adversity," and another talk by Brude Hafen. As I read that talk I realized that we can't show empathy and charity to others without going through some form of affliction, physical or mental first. I look around and there is suffering everywhere. I have a new understanding of suffering now. Elder Maxwell said "If we are serious about our discipleship, Jesus will eventually request each of us to do those very things which are most difficult for us to do." I hope someday to become a better Disciple.

Primary Spirit

Mindi and I have the amazing job of teaching the 10-11 year-old girls in Primary. This age is so special because they are still really innocent and not yet obnoxious, (well most of the time.) We are learning about the restoration of the gospel by Joseph Smith. I swear I learn more than they do. After Kamber passed away we took a month off from teaching. We didn't know whether we would be able to go back to Primary with all those little kids. I have to admit the first couple of weeks were hard. I would think, Kamber isn't ever going to be in a Sacrament Program, get baptised or give a talk. One night as I was having a "Kamber Moment" I was telling Rich about how hard it is for me to see all those kids and what she is missing. He then told me that she doesn't need to do any of that stuff. She is already promised the Celestial Kingdom. This month we are learning a new song. I have never heard it before. It is "The Family Is of God." When I woke up this morning the words to this song kept going through my mind. The words to the first verse are,"Our Father has a family, It's me! It's you, all others too: we are His children. He sent each one of us to earth, through birth, To live and learn here in families." The the chorus says,"God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be. This is how He shares His love, for the family is of God." I am so thankful that Kamber is part of our family. I don't know why she was taken home so soon, but I hope to live worthy to see her again.

My Father is 80!

Wow am I getting old. My Dad turned 80 on January 29, 2009. We had a party for him at Mi Amigos with over sixty family members attending. Ethan asked me how it felt to have my parents so old. I responded with " I thought they were old when I was a teenager and they were in their 30's." My Dad is a survivor. His father, my grandfather died when he was 2 days old from typhoid fever. That left my grandmother a widow and single mother at 20 years old. He had a very rough childhood with a stepfather and alcoholism a problem for he and his little sister. They lived in a small town in the White Mountains where he lived until coming to ASU on a basketball scholarship. He had a terrible football injury in high school that has given him trouble his whole life, but he is an avid golfer and in his prime a great basketball referee. In his golden years he has had two hip replacements, one knee replacement and is fighting a battle with prostate cancer. They gave him 18 months to live 6 years ago and the doctors can't believe how good he's doing. He didn't want us to make a big deal out of him reaching 80, but our kids and grandkids don't know how lucky they are to have a living grandfather and great-grandfather. I never knew either of my grandfathers so I'm happy my children and grandchildren know him. My Mom will turn 80 in November so we are going to pamper her so she can make it to that milestone also. We are so happy to still have them around. They are such a good example to us and we couldn't do it without their love and support.

Sundays are Hard

I don't know why Sundays are so hard for us. I think it is because we are in a more spiritual place. I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror thinking about how heavy my heart felt. I was wondering, "Is this ever going to go away? Am I going to feel like this forever? " Then I started thinking about how lucky we are to have our grandchildren close. We have the opportunity to see some of them everyday and most of the others at least once a week. I'm sure there are grandparents that would love to see their grandkids as much as we do. I started thinking about all the cute things they say. It seems like just yesterday that I heard my nephew Jeremy say he wanted a hangabur,(Hamburger.) Candi came running in to Rich one night down in Lehi and said, "Daddy look at that cokerotch." I still can't call them cockroaches. Now we have the next generation of kids and they make me laugh. Troy comes in all the time and wants a "rootbeer dote"or "yungyuck," which when translated means rootbeer float and chocolate milk. Yesterday Spencer's boy Tyton came in telling me he wanted a "Peepop" he took me by the hand down to my kitchen and opened up the door to the fridge. I finally figured it out that he wanted an otter pop. I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to be a grandma. I know sometimes I feel overwhelmed and out of sorts when all ELEVEN of them are here. I wish we would have had more time with Kamber, but she is our inspiration to do all we can to return to our Heavenly Father. I can't wait to see her again, but for now we will focus on getting the other grandkids closer to her everyday. I have a saying in my laundry room that says, "Grandchildren are God's reward to Grandparents for not killing their kids." Boy is that true!

Life is Eternal!

I'm really not very good at this grieving thing. On Sunday in Primary we were talking about how there are three stages to life. We lived in Heaven before we came to Earth, we were born to get a body, then we die and go back home. I believe that, but when Kamber was taken from us my perspective changed. Some days I can go along without a thought about how sad I am, and then out of nowhere it's back. So I decided to pull up talks written about death and do some reading. I read some really good talks given by prophets and apostles. One article by Ezra Taft Benson says," Life is eternal. We live on and on after earth life, even though we ofttimes lose sight of the great basic truth." The spirit world is not far away. Sometimes the veil between this life and the life beyond becomes very thin. Our loved ones who have passed on are not far from us." I know the reason it hurts is because we love our family so much. In D& C 42:45 it says "Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die." I admire Ethan and Jenn so much. They are so strong and they are such an example of strength to me. I don't think they realize how they have touched our family, the dignity they show us through their loss. President Monson said, "Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day." So I guess I better get to work and make each day count.

Workouts with Spencer

This week has gone by so fast. As everyone knows Spencer plays for the Denver Broncos in the NFL. He has absolutely worked his butt off trying to be strong enough, fast enough and mean enough to make it. This week he came home after his morning workouts and helped a group of us work out, (Well, I mostly babysat) but he did do some one on one training with his mother. As most of my family knows I graduated with a degree from ASU with a Bachelor of Education in Physical Education and Secondary Ed. I was pregnant with Mindi when I did my student teaching at Arcadia High School in Phoenix. It was then that I realized that I really didn't enjoy other people's children. I liked coaching kids that were athletic, but the babysitting part of teaching I hated. So I became a stay at home mom to four children and began to live my life through their activities. After a miscarriage, thyroid radiation, knee, gallbladder and ear operations, I pretty much gave up the active lifestyle of my youth and became more sedentary. Hence the workouts with Spencer. Some of the things he was asking me to do with my poor old arthritic hip was "are you kidding me right now." Anyway, after a couple of sessions I have realized that I haven't done what I was educated to do. I have put my children and everyone else before myself when it came to exercising. I need to do better and become more active. I complained alot when he was trying to help me but I really appreciate him taking his time to train us, too bad he's only going to be around for a couple of months. Anyway, it was fun while it lasted.

Sadness Eveywhere

My sister called me last night to tell me about the tragic car accident that happened over the weekend in East Mesa. Two brothers 5 and 10, the families only children were killed. I talked to my friend yesterday whose jewelry store was robbed right before Christmas. Her husband tackled one of the robbers after being sprayed with bear pepper spray. He shot and killed one of them but was shot in the eye. They are hopeful that he will get his vision back. My daughter-in -law Jenn's high school friend recently had a baby that was stillborn with many birth defects. The husband of a friend of mine has been diagnosed with cancer. I had a doctor tell me many years ago, that if you buy a red car, you notice all the red cars on the street. So it goes with adversity. Once your family goes through a major life altering trial you start to notice everyone else who is going through trials. My heart aches for these families. I turned on the 5 o-clock news and they found a 4 year-old boy at the bottom of a pool. Does it seem like there are a lot more tragedies happening, or are we just more sensitive to them because of the loss of Kamber? Today on Oprah they had a show about becoming spiritual. They had a couple on who had their 20-year-old son, who was a twin killed in a motorcycle accident in New Zealand. He was a half hour away from his flight home. They talked about how much their life has changed in the nine years since his death. They say you never get over it, but you learn to accept it. I know there is a bigger picture than what I can see. Sometimes I wish I could see the big picture, or do I really want to? Life is an experience, we knew that when we chose to come to earth we would taste the sweet and the sour, the joy and the pain. As my sister and I talked about the tragedy in Mesa she said,"They say that if we all put our trials on dispplay so they could be examined we would leave choosing our own." I am so thankful for my trials, I feel like they were given to me for a reason, someday I hope I will understand that reason.

Why?

I have been wondering alot since Kamber passed away WHY it happened. Why weren't we warned about it or why we didn't see it coming? Also why didn't Heavenly Father step in and save her? I was talking to a friend about it and he said, " Teri, the "Why" question isn't about desired information about the event. It's about denial for what happened and a refusal to accept the reality, the truth about what happened and that it did happen. It's about avoiding the pain of what happened." We all know about the 5 steps of grieving, they are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I sometimes think I am doing pretty darn good and then I'm slammed right back in to the denial stage. I know that we must all experience grief at some time or other. We will all experience loss while on this earth. We are taught at an early age that we lived in the spirit world before we came and we will return home someday. I pulled up an article on the internet and it really made sense to me. The last paragraph says," You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to fascilitate our healing and bring good out of someting tragic." That is my hope for all of us who suffer a loss, that we can find the good that can come out of the pain of loss and find comfort and healing.

Tenna's Birthday

After I had finished my post on Monday I realized that it was my Aunt Tenna's birthday. She passed away in Oct. 2000 after a botched heart operation. She was my mother's only sister and one of those special people who come to earth and leave a mark for good. She was married at a young age to a handsome Air Force pilot and had four small children when his plane crashed into a mountain and killed all aboard the aircraft. She met a nice family doctor with five children and married him and became a stepmom to them and went on to have 2 more children. That put the number at 11. As a young child I remember spending the night with my sister and the cousins. We had so much fun! We only had four children, with a Lamanite brother, but when we went to the Heap's it was an experience. Their house was always clean, and Tenna made sure those kids had lots of good food. Sometimes it wasn't stuff we were used to like brown sugar on our cereal and lots of veggies. Anyway, as she got older I remember asking her how she did it. How do you raise eleven children? All the boys and one girl went on missions and they were all married in the Temple. She had trials that I know I wouldn't have survived but she never lost her faith and bore her testimony about the Book of Mormon to all of us. I have thought a lot about Tenna since Kamber's passing. I have prayed that she has wrapped her arms around her and loved her like we do. I'm sure she has, and we will always look up to her as an example of love and charity.

Same Old Thing

It's the start of a new year and I always have good intentions of making some changes in my life. But last night as I went to bed the old Teri came back and I realized that making that "mighty change" it talks about in the scriptures is harder than ever. I think the older we get the more set in our ways we become, and having a true change of heart is really hard. During the Holidays it was easy to ignore the fact that something really tragic happened in our family last July, but as I have struggled to get the last bit of Christmas put away the depression and sadness started creeping back into my mind like an old friend. I guess being distracted for a while was good, but now it's back to the old trying to make sense of the loss of Kamber. As I sat in Primary yesterday and listened to Rich talk about our theme this year which is "we are spirit children of our Heavenly Father," I realized that Kamber is with our Heavenly Father, but that didn't make it any easier, my heart is broken and I have to live with this the rest of my life. I started feeling sorry for myself and wondered if I will ever be "okay" with it. I long for the days that my New Years Resolutions were losing weight and eating healthier. The challenges we face this year will be more about how we move to a more spiritual level so we can see Kamber again some day.