"I Can Do Hard Things, Again"

I just got in from feeding the herd and wow what a gorgeous evening. There was a cool breeze blowing in my face and the air just smells so clean. We are trying to get back to normal after our horrendous week with Mindi in the hospital and me hobbling around on crutches. I have often wondered in times of crisis how people do it without a supportive family and the members of the church. We have been so blessed to have that safety net to fall into when going through hard trials. On Sunday in Relief Society we were talking about things that we did, that at the time seemed really hard but we were glad afterwards we had done them. As the sisters were sharing their experiences my mind kept going back to one of those times when I didn't think I could do something and I was so glad I did it. When Kamber was taken to the hospital Mindi and I went to their house and stayed with the little girls while Ethan, Jenn, Rich, Len and Julie and other friends went to comfort them. I couldn't make myself go, that I regret. Everyone that knows me understands that with my anxiety it is really hard to step out into the dark and do something not in my comfort zone... driving, flying, cruises, or anywhere I feel confined and not have an escape route. Anyway, the day we were to go dress her for burial was so hard. Ethan had begged me to come and I wanted so bad to go, but didn't know if I could handle the stress. I kept repeating in my mind the verse from Come, Come Ye Saints, where it says, "Gird up your loins, fresh courage take," and so off I went to the mortuary. I have to say that the experience of preparing that special angel for burial is by far the most sacred and spiritual experience I have had in my sixty years. To see all those family members there to support, love, dress and paint finger and toenails, will forever be etched into my mind. As I held her and rubbed her feet, I felt an overwhelming love for her and my testimony that the Savior lives and he knows me, poor Teri, who struggles everyday with imperfections and struggles, but I know he loves me even though I'm not perfect. Tomorrow will be another hard day for me as I go get an MRI on my knee to see what kind of treatment might help me so I can walk without help. This is another opportunity for me to gird up my loins and do something I wished I didn't need to do, but I can prove again that "I Can Do Hard Things," I think.

My Whack-a-Mole Life

Mindi came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon after they finished running tests on her. We are so thankful for her recovery and hope she will continue to get stronger and stronger. Yesterday morning as I was murmuring to Rich about all the drama swirling  around us, he said, "You know Dewey, everyday is just a big Whack-a-Mole game anyway." What? Rich is comparing all that is going on to a stupid little kids game? The rest of the day all I could think about was that analogy, then I started laughing. I could see myself hitting those little animals down and then another one would pop up. It does really seem like that is what my life is. Later on in the day I went to lunch with some of my kids who were taking care of Trulie for the day. They were asking me questions about life and what I thought the reason we are even here on this earth, and WHY we have children. What is the purpose of it all anyway? All I could answer was that I think we are sent to earth to get a body and be tested. We are also told to "multiply and replenish the Earth and have joy in your posterity." Now I will be the first one to say that I don't always have joy in my posterity, but I think this is an eternal concept, not just what happens here on this earth. I can't imagine my life without any of my children or grandchildren and losing any of them would be devastating. Been there, done that, and got the T-shirt. But I do know that we don't live forever and trials and adversity will continue to come. When the vet brought my rabbit home to be buried after he ended his suffering, he said, "Here's the Easter Bunny." I said, "well, at least he made it past Easter."

Sick Daughter, Bad Knee and Dead Rabbit

On Sunday I enjoyed the usual talks about the special meaning of Easter. The messages shared were about faith and hope in the Savior and how through the atonement he will make everything right for us. Even though trials will come, we will be able to overcome them and stay faithful. I thought that after Kamber drowned I learned that I can do hard things and survive adversity as it comes into my life. After a weekend of Mindi being sick, Dave finally took her to the hospital where she has been since early Monday morning. I have only seen her this sick twice before, once with double mastitis and when she had spinal meningitis as a young girl. She has always had stomach problems like heartburn and digestive issues but now she has a full blown case of colitis caused by some bacteria they are treating with antibiotics and IVs. I have seen a glimpse of what life would be without her. She is the quarterback of our family. She is the one that carries most of the load around the house, taking care of five children, a husband, her mother and all the other miscellaneous critters we have. Hopefully she will start getting better so she can come home, we all miss her. This morning when I hobbled out to feed my animals I noticed one of my rabbits looking sick and twitching. I had Rich's secretary, Amber help me bring him in the house where I found he was being eaten alive by maggots. This is fly season around here and with three horses and five dogs living across the street and our petting zoo the fly problem is horrible. So thankfully our family vet just came by and picked him up and will put him to sleep and end his misery. I went to see the surgeon yesterday and hopefully my knee isn't as bad as I thought it was. After I get an MRI, (if I survive it) he will determine if there is something he can fix by scoping it instead of needing a knee replacement. I know they say we aren't given more than we can deal with but I think I'm getting to the end of what I can endure, or maybe I really can do some more hard things, we'll see.

Just One Broken Leg

I woke up yesterday at 4:30 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. I hate that when my mind is racing about all that needs to get done and if I could just get a few more hours of sleep, my day would go so much better. My parents were having Stake Conference and because their building is under renovation they were going to have to go clear in to Phoenix, so they just came over and spent the day with us. We had a good crowd for dinner, even though half of them couldn't come because of conflicts. Life is changing fast as a lot of the grandkids are married and have children of their own. With Spencer and Robbie living out East we never have all the family together anymore. When most everyone had left I ventured out to feed the animals. My Mom comes out to help when she's here because she doesn't want me to fall and being on crutches it helps. Anyway, as we headed out I could see someone on the trampoline comforting someone who was hurt. As I got closer I saw it was Mary's boyfriend, Jeff talking to Elise, her ten year-old daughter. I guess he had popped her on the trampoline and when she landed wrong it snapped her leg, breaking it between the knee and ankle. She was screaming in pain and wanting her Mom and Grandma. It wouldn't be a Greer party without someone getting hurt. So off to the ER they went and hopefully she will be able to recover from this injury. As I talked to Candi later she was a little melancholy about life. It seems like as the kids get old, things are changing. I can feel a shift in my own life as my grandkids get closer to college, missions and marriage. Now I know how my parents feel at 85, you see your posterity and pray for them, but when it comes down to it all we have is Faith and Hope that they will be guided and protected. Sometimes I feel so powerless, I guess it's my control issues I struggle with. Anyway, as Candi said, "Easter 2014 is in the books," and I survived another family get together and we only had one broken leg, Awesome!

Because of Him

Today is Good Friday so the kids are out of school and Mindi is trying to keep them busy and even do a few chores. When you have this much land, animals and kids there is always something to do. Rich got home too late Wednesday from Scouts to go out for dinner and he's gone to the White Mountains with my brother and Dad. They went to help get the cabin ready for planting the garden, and maybe do a little fishing. Yuck! I'm still confused as to why at 85 years old and fighting cancer he would want to add some stress to his life but maybe that's what is keeping him alive. Our family doesn't usually get together for Easter. I don't know why, we just never have. Mom called me yesterday to ask what she needed to bring for dinner on Sunday. Huh, I'm on crutches and hosting Easter dinner at my house on Sunday? I did make an appointment with the Surgeon that operated on my poor knee almost thirty years ago. I'm hoping he will just tell me that resting, icing and anti-inflammatories will heal me, but the way it popped and the fact I can't put weight on it makes me worried it is much worse than that. There is someone in my family that is going through a really hard trial right now. I have been thinking about her all week and praying that she will be able to deal with it. Sometimes the actions of others make us go through some really crappy experiences and I pray she will be able to make the right decision for her and her children. I believe that because of the sacrifice of our Savior we will all be able to deal with those challenges that come our way. Because of Him things are possible that we never thought we could survive.

Thiry-Eight Years Of Living The Dream

I woke up this morning to a beautiful Easter Lilly and a sweet card from Rich. Today is our 38th wedding anniversary. We got married on Good Friday in 1976 and this week is Easter, so it seems fitting. Thirty-eight years of living the dream. As I was reflecting this morning about the last 38 years all I could think of was how hard life was and is. When I was a young mother I thought life was pretty stressful with the demands of four little kids and trying to keep them safe and teach them right from wrong. Then when we hit the teenage years, I felt like I had been hit by a bus almost everyday with all the stress and worry. Then as they grew up, got married, Spencer left on his mission and I became an empty nester, I was depressed that it was over and they didn't need me any more. Rich has been so busy running his business and working in the church, and I've been a busy stay at home Mom, sometimes it seems like we are moving in separate directions. There have been a few times in the last 38 years where the sun, moon and stars have aligned and I have seen a glimmer of maybe what eternity will be like when this mortal life is over. Today Rich is working all day, then going to his Scout job, and hopefully we will be able to get along well enough to go out to dinner. Maybe the stars will align again tonight and I will see some hope for the future.

Falling Apart at 60

I'm convinced that after you turn 60 you start falling apart. This year has been nothing but ups and downs, mostly downs. For the last three months I've been fighting infected teeth, viruses and now on Saturday I tweeked my knee and am sporting crutches. I tore my knee up playing volleyball forty years ago. I had surgery on it thirty years ago and now it has slowly but surely starting to give out on me. Saturday night late I got up to turn on the lights to my baby chicks. As I walked to the door something snapped in my knee and I almost fell to the ground. Rich was asleep so I just shuffled to the bed and prayed I would be better in the morning. As I tossed and turned all night I could tell it was swollen and something was wrong, but I didn't want to miss church. So I had Rich get me the crutches out of the garage and off I went. Dave did an MAT treatment on me last night and today it feels a little stronger but dang it, another thing to make my life miserable. I don't know whether to call an orthopedist or just rest, ice and MAT it. The first thing I thought about was how this may ruin my trip to the beach in six weeks. All I can hope is that I just sprained it and it will get better at least in time for me to walk down Pacific Coast Highway and feel the cool ocean breeze in my face when it's hotter than hell here. I guess only time will tell if I need surgery, but right now I'm not ready to face that possibility.

Birthdays, Bunco and Relief Society

Another week has come and gone and I really think time is moving faster than ever. I had a busy week with a Relief Society Meeting on Tuesday night, Bunco last night, and when you add a dental procedure and two birthdays it's been a blur. I ordered some things online to be shipped to my house for birthday presents for my son Ethan. When they finally arrived they didn't fit, so I made a trip to the store to take those back and find him some that would work. After walking around the store for two hours, standing while Mindi took Trulie to the bathroom three times, (she trying to potty train her) I am so tired I need a nap. We are working on the bulletin board for the Relief Society room and when we get everything ready we will go to the church to take down the old one and put up the new. This week I found out some troubling information about someone I know and love. I wonder sometimes how we find ourselves doing things that we know aren't right. Things that are so hurtful and can possibly destroy our family and eternal happiness. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair and I have known that for a long time but when it hits close to home it really is hard. I worry about the future sometimes with all the temptations out there but I know that we fought to have free agency in our pre-mortal life and with that we can choose for ourselves what we are going to do. So all I can do is try to just control my own thoughts and actions because I have a hard time just doing that.

Having Gratitude For and During Trials

I really enjoyed listening to Conference this weekend. It was fun to hear my Brother's name read over the podium as he was called to serve as an Area Seventy. We are still wondering what this job will require of him, but whatever it is, I'm sure he will do a good job. One of my favorite talks was by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. If it's okay to have a crush on one of the Brethren, it would be me having a crush on him. He seems to be so kind and caring and be in touch with his feminine side, if that makes any sense. What I got from his talk was that no matter what horrible trial we are going through we need to have gratitude for it and during it. I hate adversity and trials. I like the easy peasy road. I don't like having problems whether they are physical, spiritual or emotional, it sends me over the edge. About a week ago I started feeling like I had a piece of popcorn stuck in my gums on a tooth way back in my mouth. I tried everything to get it out, flossing, gargling, picking it out with a toothpick and finally trying to use my fingernail to get it out. I finally gave up yesterday and called the dentist. After an exam and x-ray she informed me that my tooth had cracked and that was why it was making my gums  sore and inflamed. She needed to take my old gold crown off and grind it down for a new gold crown. Total cost with my discount, $900. So now I have a missing tooth on one side of my mouth and a temporary tooth on the other. It makes it quite hard to eat, so maybe I'll lose some weight while suffering with all these dental problems. Anyway, it seems like everyday I hear of someone who is going through something that is hard. Nothing stays the same and it seems like there are some really sad things going on in the world right now. Showing gratitude for those trials is something so hard to do, but I think must be very important for us to do.

Fun Wedding Reception and Conference

I've spent all day catching up on laundry and ironing all of Rich's shirts. It was kind of nice when he was in Ethiopia because it gave me a break from my chores. But he's back with all his dirty clothes, and I'm just happy he's home safe and sound. Last night we went to a wedding reception of one of Rich's boys he had in the Teacher's Quorum. We had so much fun visiting and ran into some friends we haven't seen for twenty plus years. We stayed way to late and were up early because we had to get the yard done before irrigation. While I was resting, I looked on Facebook and saw that my sister-in-law and two nieces were in the Conference Center waiting for Conference to start. I knew Len and Julie were going up for their missionary reunion but I didn't think the kids were going. So I wasn't that surprised to hear Len's name read in as a new Area Seventy. Rich had to work today so I tried to call him to give him the news but he didn't answer, so I called my sister to see what she thought. Len has always been a good kid and I know he will do good at whatever they ask of him. After listening to him talk about how hard it was to be a Mission President, I have so much respect for them. I haven't talked to him yet and what do you say, "Hey, Congratulations on your new church calling?" I know how busy he is and this will add a lot more stress on him, but I know he will do all he can to serve the Lord. I love listening to Conference but sometimes it puts me into a stupor as I'm trying to digest all the talks. I know I have a long way to go with my relationship with the Savior, but I know he is aware of my struggles and loves me in spite of my shortcomings. Four more hours tomorrow and I will surely be spinning for a few days, but it is so worth it.

Jet Lag and Quilting

It seems like the weeks are going by faster and faster and soon we will be fighting the 110 degree temperatures, so I'm enjoying every cool breeze I've felt this week. Rich and I have both been suffering from Jet Lag. When he got home late Saturday night he looked really good. He even looked like he had lost some weight, I don't think he liked the Ethiopian food very well. Anyway, as the week progressed he started going to bed earlier and earlier until one night he was snoring at 8:45. Sometimes I think he thinks he's Superman and can do it all, but at almost 60, he's seeing that he can't keep up like when he was younger. I've been busy this week trying to make a quilt for my great-nephew that was born a few weeks ago. Julie is leaving to go to New York next week to help with the new baby so I want to send it with her. This morning I was out feeding the animals when Mind came running out in tears saying she couldn't find Trulie and my niece's daughter Kaitlyn. She let them out in front so they could play in the yard while she was busy in the garage. After about five minutes she found them at the end of the street with a nice lady wondering where they lived. I hate this two-year old age, they are mobile enough to get around but are not aware of the danger around every corner. Mindi is such a good Mom and to see her so upset was hard, but from now on they will be locked in the house or in the backyard where they can't get out, or get hurt. Today is Brookie's sixth birthday and Ethan and Jenn are flying out to visit Spencer and his family. I hope to someday get up enough courage to make the trip to Boston. He says there is a quilt shop on every corner and even offered to drive me across the country to get me back there. Right now we have a litter of puppies and baby chicks on top of all the other critters, so I best stay home. But I am going to the beach with Candi and her family in nine weeks, I'm already excited to see the ocean and feel the cold breezes in June.

How Can Brookie Already Be Six?

Rich finally made it home from Ethiopia at 9 p.m. Saturday night. He had a wonderful trip and can't wait to go back. It has been nice to get a couple of good nights sleep and I can't believe how deep I slept and how vivid my dreams have been. I need to find a solution for my lack of sleep when he's gone because I'm sure this won't be the last time I'll be sleeping alone. Yesterday we went out to Ethan and Jenn's to celebrate Brookie's birthday. Her birthday isn't until Thursday the 3rd of April but Spencer has scheduled a flight for Ethan and Jenn to go to Boston for a visit, so they won't be here for her birthday. It's hard to believe that she will be six years old. She was only three months old when Kamber passed away, has it really been almost six years? Last time we all got together I forgot to take the card out of my computer so I made sure this time to take some pictures of the kids out playing. The cousins sure have fun when they get together. All the grand kids were there except the one in heaven and the other four in Boston. They are so special to me and each one of them are different but wonderful. I'm excited for Conference this weekend. I have some questions that need to be answered and I'm hoping to get some inspiration for myself. Yesterday in church they talked about the Atonement. One of the Bishopric talked about second chances in our lives. But sometimes we don't get a second chance to fix something that went terribly wrong, but I know the Atonement is suppose to cover all those disappointments and adversities. As I get older it seems like life becomes more complicated for me, hopefully I can get some answers to my questions listening to the talks this weekend.

Auction Over, Rich's Homecoming

A few weeks ago a friend in my ward asked if I could make a quilt for the Young Women's Auction that was held last night at the church. I wanted to make something kind of vintage because it seems like the girls are liking old fashioned things now. I decided to make a smaller version of the nine patch quilt I'm making to put on my bed and I think it turned out really cute. All week as I've spent hours finishing the binding and getting it ready, I've worried that no one would want to spend money for it. Sometimes in our culture we can be quite "frugal or tight" with our money, me included. So I had a plan to take some extra money to buy my own quilt back. Mindi said, "okay Mom, you are going to spend hours making a quilt and then pay money to buy it back?" Yes, that was my plan, if it didn't get enough bids at the right price, I was prepared to buy it back and give it to Tristyn who wants a new quilt for her bed. Luckily someone spent the money and bought it, so I am happy it's in a good home. Lately Mindi has gotten in to quilting and is making a quilt for Trulie out of M&M's material. It is really cute for her first quilt and I'm so happy one of my daughters will pass on that talent. So the auction is over and I'm cleaning like a mad person because Rich will be home tonight if he doesn't have any delays in his trip. He told the boys yesterday that in the next 29 hours he would either be in a plane or at an airport. That just sounds so dreadful to me, I hate flying and airports, so I hope he will be happy to get home. If not he may just want to move to Ethiopia and continue to volunteer and do more service. I haven't slept very much this last week so it will be good to get him home safe and sound.

Insomnia and Dog Fights

This week I've been trying to reevaluate my life. Sometimes I think what I'm doing isn't working or making me happy. It hasn't helped having my husband thousands of miles away doing service, when we have one big service project going on here at the home front. I hope he's enjoying his time away because it could get difficult when he gets home. I haven't had a good nights sleep since he left, and it's wearing me down. I had to be up early to get some blood drawn for some tests my doctor ordered two weeks ago and it seems like everyday is jammed packed with stuff that needs to get done, fed, cleaned or taken care of. Yesterday when I went out to feed the animals everything was going well until Mindi's little rescue dog decided to get up in Ozzie's face and start a fight. A ten pound dog versus an eighty pounder. I had just fed the fish and started in the house when the fight broke out, of course Armani ran to me for cover and Ozzie trying to kill him knocked me over. It's just a good thing I have so much padding on the front, or I could have broken something. I was lying on the sidewalk in the water while the dogs were going at it. I was yelling at Mindi to come rescue something and she finally heard my cries for help. By then I was crying and trying to get up but with the mud I just slipped until we finally figured it out. I have fallen a few times now since my hip replacement and of course the first thing Mindi asked me was if I hurt my hip. No, just my dignity and a few scratches and scrapes on my elbows and knees. This is where I'm thinking maybe I'm too old to be running a petting zoo. Hopefully these feelings of loneliness and anger will pass, I have three or more nights alone to get through. Maybe the doctor has some help for me tomorrow, I could sure use some help right now.

This is a hideous picture but someday I will laugh about it.

"I'm Lonely"

Every Tuesday and Wednesday nights my Mom works at the Mesa Temple. While she's gone my Dad sits in a dark house either reading a book or watching sports on the television. Last week when I called him I said, "Hi Dad how are you doing?" His answer was, "I'm lonely."  I felt so bad for him but at 85 years-old I think he's lucky to still be upright and taking nourishment. I have to admit that the first couple of days Rich was gone it was fun. No cooking, no laundry, or cleaning. I just enjoyed the peace and quiet and worked on my quilt I was asked to make for the Young Women's Auction this week. I was telling Mindi that even if Rich is in town he is never really home. He's always been busy running his business and doing church work. It's different when I know there isn't any way to get a hold of him. There is no telephone, just an email telling me what he did during the day. He says it is primitive and he wishes he could take all the grand kids to see how good they have it, but I don't ever see that happening. Ethiopia is a long, long ways away, I don't see him going back, but never say never. I have come a long way in the last few years. I used to not be able to stay in my room alone at night. I would lay awake all night listening to all the sounds and tell myself scary stories. I can honestly say I'm not awake because of anxiety, I just can't sleep. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's a sleep disorder, but just maybe "I'm just lonely." I'm trying to stay positive and not get myself into a full fledge depression because I have lots of shopping and sewing to do this week and I'm not going to stay in a dark house being sad. Besides, next week he will be back and even though he is back he will be too busy catching up to spend anytime at home anyways. So I'm going to really try and enjoy my nice quiet peaceful life and maybe even go and watch a little television with my Dad.

Rich and The Amazing Race

I made it through the first night alone and did pretty well. Only up one time and went right back to sleep. This week has been crazy and I had two really bad nights, one where I started chilling, again, and shook until I woke Rich up wondering if I needed to go to the hospital. An hour later I was running a high fever but made it through the night with the help of antibiotics and Tylenol. Then the night before he left I was awake most of the night worrying about his 6 a.m. departure for the "Amazing Race" he is running this next week. He was headed to Frankfurt, Germany last time I talked to him and I hope he made it there safely. Then he will be on his way to Saudi Arabia and then to Ethiopia. My sister and I were talking the other day about Rich's adventure. We were raised in a very conservative family with school teacher parents who couldn't afford a vacation nor did they want to go anywhere except to the White Mountains to visit family. It's not in our blood to travel the world, so I guess Rich found someone to fulfill that lifetime dream. One of the questions I'll be asking on the other side is why two people who are so different ended up getting married. I guess maybe "opposites do attract" but boy it's been hard. Anyway, today I am getting things done that were on his "Honey Do" list. I told him if they weren't done before he left I was hiring someone to do them, so he will be surprised when he gets home and finds out he has paid someone else to do his jobs. Oh Well, that's life when you are out saving the world.

Temple Sealing and Charleston's

Last night Rich and I attended a sealing in the new Gilbert Temple. It was the first time we have been in it since the open house and it is so pretty. The groom was one of Rich's young men and he home teaches their family. It was fun to be in a room full of friends and ward members. As I sat there waiting for the couple to come in, I kept looking at the chandelier. I tried counting all the little crystals but there was no way I was ever going to be able to do that. I felt nothing but peace and love. When the sealer started talking, it was so good to be reminded of the blessings of the Temple. After the sealing we got to look around a little bit at the art work. The paintings are beautiful and reminds me of why I love the desert so much. We rode with my brother Len and his wife Julie so we decided to go to dinner at Charleston's. I had the salad and baked potato soup that comes with a yummy croissant. Wow, my pants feel tighter already. Earlier in the day I had asked my brother to make sure Rich's affairs are in order, so he brought over our Wills to sign before he leaves. When I woke up at three o'clock this morning I couldn't go back to sleep. Something in the Will just wasn't right, so I called and got the changes made this morning. I have found in my life that those things that I truly worry about never happen, it's the blindsides that kill you. So, Rich will be off in two days for his trip to save the Ethiopians for a week. I hope he will get out of it what he hopes to. I don't sleep very well when I'm alone in the bed, so maybe I'll have to get one of the dogs to take his place, he'll never know anyway right?

New Blog, Ethiopia Trip for Rich

I've been trying to get time all weekend to write about my feelings, but sometimes I just have to be in the mood to put them down for posterity. Part of my Christmas present from Spencer and Annie was for them to pay to have someone design my blog. Annie's friend Becky is so talented and she was so kind to work on my blog. I wanted it to represent all that I love in life. Starting with my family, which is portrayed by the little girl holding a flower with a halo. Kamber represents my hope to be with my family when it's time for me to go to the other side. The golden retriever and rabbit represent the hours and hours of time and money I have spent over my life trying to make a difference in the world with my tender feeling for animals. Finally, the block square represents my love for sewing and making quilts for my family and friends. I'm not an expert, and my quilts aren't good enough to sell and make a profit, so I do it because I love those who I give them to and hope they will enjoy them and keep them warm. My life seems to be such a paradox. I can feel the opposite feelings about the same situation. Rich told me a couple of months ago about his desire to go to Ethiopia to do some service. Everyone knows of my fear of flying, so the thought of my husband being on a plane for twenty-seven hours has caused me some sleepless nights. The Malaysian Airlines plane missing has just made my anxiety worse. But I have learned after thirty-eight years of marriage that it really doesn't matter what I want or feel he will go ahead with his plans. So in four days he will be heading with a group of people to save the world, or a small part of it. I plan to sew, shop, rest and do anything and everything I want while he's gone. Then this summer while he's working in the 115 degree temps, I'll be sitting on the beach in California drinking a Pepsi and relaxing. I have learned in my almost sixty-one years that life is hard and complicated. I can't control anyone around me and I can't even control myself most of the time. I hope Rich makes it home safe and sound but I am going to make sure all his affairs are in order so if his plane disappears I will be prepared. He has faith he will make it back so that's all that matters now.

Physical Done

Yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor to do a physical. I worried all night about it and had anxiety on my way there. After they took all my health history the doctor came in and checked me over. Everything went really well and she didn't find anything suspicious. I told her about my last month of being sick and I guess there have been lots of patients with the same virus I had. When I was sitting in the waiting room there were two or three patients coughing the whole time I was there. I told her about how sore and dry my mouth has been. It seemed to have gotten worse since my oral surgery. Our family has a history of Autoimmune Diseases and my sister has been diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome which makes her eyes, mouth and joints dry up. It is really an annoying thing to have. I had convinced myself that I had it too and after she looked in my mouth she said, "your tongue is really red and your lips are cracking." YEH! "I told you I have such a dry mouth it feels like I'm walking through the desert all day." Anyway, she thinks my symptoms are because of all the antibiotics I took to get rid of the infection in my tooth and then again when I was sick. Hallelujah! She gave me a prescription where I swish and swallow some Nystatin and I'm finally getting some relief. I haven't had a very great self image my whole life, but yesterday when I left the doctor I had a new appreciation for this old body. It's been through a lot, but at sixty I'm so thankful to still be upright and being as productive as I am.

Quilting, Pet Sitting and Puppies

I have to say that a few times last week I was wondering to myself  "what the heck have I gotten myself into?" Sometimes life just seems to be a constant disappointment and irritation. The fog finally lifted yesterday. Mindi and I were out running errands when I said, "I wish I could just be happy. Things could be so much worse, like a terminal illness or a sick grandchild." Mindi then piped in and said "or you could have a loved one on a plane that is missing somewhere out in the ocean." I started thinking about the challenges I have in my life. I spent most of last month sick. I picked up some kind of bug that came and went all month. I was even in bed one day last week feeling terrible. I have an appointment tomorrow with the doctor for a physical, EEK! I hate being checked from stem to stern and worry about what they might find wrong with me. Usually it's just the same old thing, "lose weight and keep taking your thyroid medication." This week is spring break for the kids from school. It's fun having them home and now they are getting older they help a little bit around the house. I have decided to get some of my quilts finished that I've had for a couple of years and do some sewing. We also have a momma dog expecting puppies any minute. Her stomach feels like it's going to pop and she's full of milk so we are getting excited about watching her puppies born. Candi and B.J. took the kids to California to the beach, AHH, I wish I was with them, they did bring over their RAT for me to take care of, really? Who has a pet rat anyway? So this will be a busy week with quilting and pet sitting. Life could be a whole lot worse, gratitude sometimes leaves me, but hopefully I can get through this week and the rat will be alive when they come pick her up.

MY Baby Is Thirty

This morning when I woke up early, my mind  went back thirty years ago when my last baby was born March 4, 1984 at 5:04 a.m. It was a Sunday morning and the doctor urged me to get him here so he could get to a church meeting at 6:00 a.m. I was smarter with this fourth child when I told the nurses to keep him in the nursery and not give him any milk, just soy formula. I have to say being a Mom has taught me so many things. Taking care of kids when they are sick, hurt or unhappy is draining but so fulfilling. Spencer was so fun to raise. He came with a happy countenance and seemed to always obey and be respectful of his parents. Because he was three years younger than Ethan, I had three years where he was the only child home and we went shopping, out for lunch, and had lots of fun before he was old enough to join his siblings at school. We have had so much fun watching him play football from Pop Warner all the way to the NFL. He's easy to talk to and wise beyond his years. When I was a kid my little brother was seven years younger than me. He was really attached to my Mom and she protected him like a mother bear. I remember how my parents would kick me out of the rocking chair so Ben could sit in it and rock himself to sleep. Isn't that crazy that I'm still resentful of that all these years. Now as a mother I realize how that last baby is special, the baby, in every family there is that very last one to join your family. Anyway, I hope he has a nice day back in Boston. He is a good husband and father and has a deep testimony of Christ. I'm thankful to have been honored to be his mother.

"Once In a Lifetime Experience"

I just spent the last hour doing damage control here on the farm. We had over an inch of rain fall on Saturday night and that seems to cause chaos with my animals and fish ponds. Even though the cords are covered, my breaker always trips which causes my fish to die if I don't get some circulation going. I was lucky Ethan was here for a minute this morning to crawl under the wall and reset the GFI. I hate asking for help because then I have to listen to the lecture on "at what time are you going to realize you can't do this?" I try and do as much as I can by myself so I don't have to listen to their suggestions. We had a wonderful weekend with the Cultural Celebration and Dedication of the new Gilbert Temple. The poor kids had to perform in a downpour of rain. We have had temperatures in the 80's and no rain for 70 plus days, but for the celebration we had rain, lots of it. I had three grandchildren and many nieces and nephews participating. They have been practicing for months and I know the leaders and others in the wards and stakes have sacrificed so much time and talents for this celebration. When I went down to Mindi's to tell Tristyn and Trace how proud I was of them, they were both in the shower. They were freezing cold and poor Trace's fingers looked like he had been in water for days. Their attitudes were good and even though they had to perform in the rain, I could tell they had an amazing experience. Watching those 12,000 kids dancing and singing as the winds and rain pounded on them made me wonder what other adversities they will have in their lives. The show went on and I know those who watched couldn't have been more proud of these wonderful youth in this area. This is one of those "once in a lifetime" events that you can't deny the spirit or your testimony. I'm so proud of them for doing hard things, it will make them stronger I know.

Shopping and Praying

I am proud to say that I made it through another week. After being sick for most of February, I'm looking forward to a healthy March, my fingers are crossed. I spent a few hours yesterday with my sister shopping the sales at the Mall. Sometimes I feel like I spend money I don't have, on things I don't really need, but it was still fun. I'm so thankful to have a sister. When we were young I thought she was weird because she was really smart and played the piano and organ. She still listens to the oldies but goodies music and we are different in so many ways. As we were shopping I told her how nice it was to have a sister to do things with. She is always willing to help whenever she is needed. I think that comes with being the oldest child in the family. As we were leaving the store I told her I would rather have a colonoscopy than shop with the two year old I'm usually with. We laughed, but this morning I found myself walking the halls of Walmart with that same two year old. On the way home as she was screaming that she needed her chocolate milk, I wanted to jump out of the car. My patience runs really thin now that I'm sixty. Anyway, this weekend is a big one for us in Gilbert. My grandchildren are in the Cultural Celebration and Dave is over building the set for the performance tomorrow night. Rich spent two hours last night setting up chairs in the Temple for the Dedication. We are praying this storm goes up north because right now they are predicting over an inch of rain tonight with thunderstorms tomorrow and temperatures in the 60's. It hasn't rained here for over seventy days and now we have a major winter storm coming through, just in time for all the hoopla. It's going to be an interesting weekend and I'm thankful to be able to watch this Temple be Dedicated, President Monson and Eyring will be here. It's going to be a special experience for all of us here in the desert, even with the storms we can't complain because we are in a severe drought right now, so I'm anxious to see how this all unfolds, it's exciting times here.

"It's Just An Animal Anyway, Right"

Last night was one of those rough nights where you dream and are awake most of the night solving the days problems. Yesterday afternoon our neighbor's horse became extremely sick and had to be put down by the vet. The front of our house faces their pasture and stable where the horses are kept. I watched as the vet worked on the horse and finally they covered him up with a green tarp, it was over. About an hour later a very sweet, kind lady pulled in and asked if she could use our driveway to back into their yard to pick this horse up to take him to Florence to be buried. I worried about her all night wondering what I could do or say that would ease her pain. I've had many animals that have had to be put to sleep because of old age or disease but horses are different. They are huge, majestic animals, but I have to admit really scary to me. Anyway, this morning I had the opportunity to visit with her and tell her how sorry I was for her loss. She said that after having a good cry and going to bed early she was doing better today, "it's just an animal anyway right?" No one loves animals more than I do and my heart aches when I see the suffering of God's creatures. As she got ready to leave she was holding her two-year old grandson, Leo. She said, "I don't know how you did it losing a grandchild." I looked at her little grandson and said, "can you imagine if something happened to him?" She shook her head and said, "No, I wouldn't be able to go on." I then had the opportunity to tell her my experience of loss, what happened that day. How I felt the spirit tell me that Kamber was gone and that I heard someone tell me, "why not you?" when I was asking why this was happening to me. It's been almost six years and I can still feel the emotion of that dreadful day. But my testimony is strong and I have faith that Kamber is in heaven doing what she was meant to do and will be there the day I leave this earth. That's all I have and hopefully I can sleep tonight.

Before and After Temple Pictures

Three and a half years ago when they announced that we would be having a Temple built here in Gilbert we were so excited. Our Stake President asked that each family go to the alfalfa field where the Temple would be built and take a family picture wearing white shirts. Two of our daughters-in-law were pregnant due that summer. We had already planned on taking a picture yesterday because Spencer and his family are leaving tomorrow to go back to Boston. Yesterday during Ward Conference the same Stake President encouraged us to go back to that alfalfa field and recreate that picture taken before the Temple was built to see if our faith has been increased. We didn't have a professional photographer available so we just had a friend come take some shots hoping that maybe just one of them would be okay. When we showed up, there was quite a crowd but we waited our turn. It's not that easy herding ten adults and sixteen children around an area hoping they will behave. We took quite a few in front of the planter full of flowers. Some of the grand kids can't be seen because of a big fat flower in their faces. We then moved up to the front gate because there was a guy sitting not letting anyone on the actual Temple grounds and some of them are okay. That's what you get when you don't go professional, but I'm just thankful that everyone came and supported their dear old Mother with all of us together. I don't know how long it will be before we will be together again, but I'm so thankful for my family. We added five new grandchildren during that three and a half years, I think my kids are almost finished, but we love them all and miss Angel Kamber everytime we get together.

First Day Out of My Sick Bed

Yesterday was the first day this week I was able to get out of my sick bed and do something fun. Mindi's 37th birthday was on the 19th so we decided to go to Sassy's Bakery for lunch. Candi and B.J., Annie and Spencer and Mindi and I enjoyed a wonderful lunch there. The "red hat" ladies were there so we fit right in. The girls come to your table and sing "Happy Birthday" and they sound like professional singers, it was worth it just going to hear them sing. After lunch Spencer treated us girls to a spa pedicure and manicure. It was fun to sit and relax and laugh a little bit while someone worked on my poor feet that suffer the affects of walking bare footed in the pasture feeding animals. This was the first time I had a little Asian guy scrub my feet and polish my toes, but I'm an old lady so he should understand. It has been so much fun having Spencer and his little family here to visit. I'm already sad with the idea that they will be heading back to Boston on Tuesday. Even their little kids are praying they can stay, so is Grandma. Hopefully next week I can get back to normal and feel well enough to get everything done that I need and want to do.  Life's to short to spend it in bed sick.

Tired of Being Sick

I know sometimes I get in the dumps and murmur about my life being Groundhog Day everyday. I spent the three day Holiday weekend in bed. I tried a few times to get up and be productive but ended up back in bed. I don't know what I've picked up but it has definitely kicked my butt. Yesterday my sister-in-law brought my kitchen chandelier back that they used inside the hospitality tent at the Temple Open House. She took one look at me and knew I was sick. I guess they have been running a hospital wing at their house all week with sick people too. After listening to my coughing and wheezing she told me I needed an inhaler. The problem with some of those drugs is that they make me have anxiety and panic attacks, so I hate to use them. Mindi has a breathing machine that she uses for the kids and had some medicine, so I started using it. I'm so much better today, better than dying, but I still don't feel right. I am thankful I was able to take a shower, even put a bra on, get dressed and started digging out. Last night as I went to bed I told Rich that everywhere I look there is something that needs to be done. My poor Dad who is battling prostate cancer is also fighting this bug. I hope he will get well soon. I have been sick the whole time Spencer and his family have been here. Hopefully we will have a few days where I can go do something fun with them before they go back to Boston. We also have three birthdays this week. I'm going to really try hard to not complain about my boring, uneventful life. I just want to feel good. I want to get in my sewing room and finish some of my quilts. I have my fingers crossed that the worst is behind me and pray for the Groundhog Days to begin again.

Fold Like a Warm Tortilla

What the *%$#! I told Rich last night I'm just about done. Three weeks ago I had oral surgery to take out a bad tooth. Then last week I had the flu, was in bed with fever and chilling. Then this whole week I've been fighting something that I think Miss Trulie passed along to me, coughing, headache and shortness of breath. It's been unusually warm this winter with temperatures up to 90 degrees today, so why is everyone sick? Anyway, enough of a rant for now because Rich is blaming me for giving him this virus, but he could have gotten it anywhere. Right? Yesterday as Mindi and I were running errands I could tell she was really discouraged. Nothing like having five kids and Valentine's Day to make you overwhelmed. As we were talking I could tell she is under a tremendous amount of stress, some of it she brings on herself, just like all of us, and some just because we are living on this earth at this time. I finally told her that even though we have so many blessings it is hard to keep things in to perspective and just enjoy the struggles of everyday. I have enjoyed watching some of the Olympics while lying in bed sick. I have never been on skis before and my ice skating experience ended when I did a belly flop on the ice in front of all the kids at Mutual. I really admire those athletes who train for years and years to perfect their skills and compete in the Olympics. Some excel under the stress and pressure while others seem to fold up like a warm tortilla. I think life is a little bit like the Olympics, we either hang in there and deal with the stress, or we crumble and fall, which unfortunately I do most of the time. All I want is to feel good, is that too much to ask?

Temple Tour and Kamber's Birthday

We had a wonderful weekend. It started out with a visit to the new Gilbert Temple. Then last night we all went out to Ethan and Jenn's new home and had a cook-out celebrating Kamber's birthday today. It was the first time all my kids and grand kids have been together for a long time. I had my handy dandy camera and took some really fun pictures. There were pictures of the kids and the adults and even the birthday cakes. This morning when I woke up I was so excited to put them on the computer and blog about them. When I opened up the camera it was empty. I never put the card back in the camera, so no pictures. After a good cry, I realized that it isn't the end of the world. No one died did they? Yesterday in Relief Society the lesson was on the Plan of Salvation. The teacher asked if anyone had ever had someone pass away and were so sad, but then realized that we would see them again? There was no way I was going to share my experience of the last five years. Yes, I do know that I will see Kamber again, and my other loved ones on the other side, but that doesn't make it any easier. I went to the cemetery with Jenn and the kids to visit Kamber's grave and put some decorations on. It's a peaceful place, it's not as sad as it used to be. I'm thankful for all that I've learned from her death. As I went through the Temple my testimony was made stronger of the blessings of being sealed together as families, and I can't wait to see her again.

In Bed All Day With The Flu

Last week when I was having oral surgery the Doctor was worried when my blood pressure was 195/110. I never have had high blood pressure before, except one time at the end of a pregnancy. So yesterday when my heart started pounding really hard and fast I thought maybe I was having a stroke. I went in to the bedroom and took my blood pressure which was 124/54. Before long I was freezing, so I put a coat on, bundlled up in a quilt and put the heating pad on my feet. After feeling totally normal earlier, I was in bed with the flu. What a helpless feeling to be lying in bed shivering with a pounding headache and burning up with a fever. Mindi put some essentials oils on my feet, then some socks, made me some chicken noodle soup and there I was, in bed all day. I don't know what I would have done without her to feed the animals and help me. When Rich came home I was feeling a little bit better, had him and Dave give me a blessing and then took a hot bath. When I woke up this morning I have never been so happy to get out of bed. My back was aching from being in bed all day, I swear if I ever get bedridden it will be the end, because I will go crazy. Anyway, I'm thankful for my body that can fight off infections or whatever comes my way. I was praying all day yesterday to get better so I can go to the Temple with Mindi, her family and some friends. We were suppose to go on Monday but my sister-in-law Julie was really sick. I guess there is a nasty bug going around because it seems like everyone's sick. So another week has gone by with all the challenges this mortal life gives us. I guess we need to know sickness to appreciate it when we feel good.

Super Bowl Blowout at the Vet's Office

A friend of ours has tried to help us with a little business that we could do and make a little money. It is hard work and expensive, and now we are wondering if this is the right hobby for us. We have these beautiful English Golden Retriever dogs that we have been trying to breed. The last litter we had was a disaster, as she had to have a C-Section delivery and the puppies needed extra care. Anyway, our female we were trying to breed again started acting sick last week and yesterday we had to take her to the vet for an emergency surgery. He found big bags of infection in her uterus,no puppies and to save her life he took everything out. I spent most of the Super Bowl game listening to it in the waiting room of the vet's office. I was sad to see that the Broncos, who I used to like, didn't even get off the bus yesterday. I don't think I can remember a bigger blowout than that game. When I was talking to my Mom after the operation she just said, "so this is the problem you are having today." Does that mean I have problems everyday? When we got home with our very groggy dog, everyone was watching the ending of the game. I spent all last week finishing Dallas's quilt and I was glad to see they had come over. He was so excited to wrap up in it and hopefully he will use it and love it. Tonight we are going to the Temple for a tour with Lennie and Julie. The rest of the family is going later in the week. This is an exciting time here in Gilbert with the Temple dedication and the kids dancing and singing in the Cultural Celebration. I have so many blessings I'm ashamed to be sad about a dog having surgery, but I am just a human and sometimes there are dissapointments and trials. The sun came up again this morning, just like always and tomorrow Spencer and his family will be on route home. So I need to put on my happy face and look to the future, it has to get better.

It's a Wonderful Life

Another week has come and gone. I had oral surgery on Monday, celebrated Dad's birthday on Wednesday, and now after I get my chores done, I'm heading out to watch Tristyn play in a volleyball tournament. Sometimes when I'm alone and in one of those moods I reflect on my life. As a stupid teenager I had expectations of what life would be for me as an adult. I remember thinking that when I got married it would be so fun to always have a date and someone to tickle my feet. Then when I was pregnant with Mindi I felt like it would be so great to have a little friend around and it would satisfy my craving to nurture. As I have crossed over to being a Senior Citizen I thought life would slow down and I would have time and money to relax, travel and quilt. Wow, life hasn't really been anything like I dreamed of as a kid. Life is full of experiences that sometimes test my ability to cope and look to the future with hope and faith. After watching my parents age, they have continued to do all they can to serve and work. Why would my life be any different? I just opened the mail and there was a letter addressed to me explaining why "Cremation just makes sense because:" and then it gave a bunch of reasons. Now how did I get on the mailing list for these guys? Hopefully I won't need to make any decisions on my final arrangements soon, but you never know. Anyway, after church tomorrow is the Super Bowl and then on Tuesday the Boston Larsen's will be on a flight to see their Gilbert families. I'm excited and hoping I can talk them in to staying for a long time, but somehow I just know they will be happy to go back to Boston. Ugh Life is short and hard and exciting and wonderful and hopefully I'm learning what I need to in this time on earth.

Two Cakes For Dad

Today is my Dad's 85th birthday. I'm sure he is thrilled to share it with Oprah Winfrey who turns 60 today. All of us adult children are heading over to Scottsdale to take him dinner and celebrate later tonight. My assignment was to make him cake. I have had a tradiditon for over thirty years of making him a lemon cake on his birthday and Father's Day. He has been so sick for the last couple of years fighting prostrate cancer that he hasn't wanted anything much to eat, so I didn't bother cooking for him. Anyway, I went to the store and bought all the ingredients so they would be fresh and then picked some lemons off my tree, you can't get fresher than that. I mixed everything together and remembered I needed to put a little bit of lemon extract in the cake mix. So I pulled it out of the cupboard and dumped some in. The smell wasn't right and it smelled like pure alcohol or something toxic. I took it down to Mindi's to have her smell and taste it and after begging, she confirmed it wasn't good. So after all that work, I had to start over. I now have my second cake in the oven, I may just throw the first one out to the chickens and hope it doesn't poison them. After I got over being ticked off, I realized that there was a lesson to learn in this experience. You can do everything perfect but just one thing you do can spoil the whole thing. Hopefully the rest of the day goes better than my cake making experience did and Dad has a nice day, and Oprah too.

My Tooth Is Gone

I just got home from the office of my favorite oral surgeon and my tooth is gone. Over the weekend I started having some pain deep in my jaw so I felt I should have it looked at. After x-rays he decided that we could either spend $2500 to try and save the tooth or just pull the dang thing out. I had taken an extra anxiety pill in case he recommended the surgery and so after taking my medication he numbed me up and then did what he had to remove the tooth in pieces. I remember having my wisdom teeth pulled when I was a teenager, but I guess sixty year-old teeth are different. Now I need to start saving for an implant and crown, which I know won't be cheap. Yesterday church was so good. The talks were on faith and the young men and women sang one of my favorite songs, "Sisters in Zion/Army of Helaman." There is something special about these young kids singing, it brought tears to the eyes. I learned a lot about faith. There are two different types of faith, temporal and spiritual. Temporal faith is when we have faith that we can cross the street without getting run over, but spiritual faith is faith in our Savior, that he knows us and is aware of our needs. I also learned about covenants that we make and that "covenant makers are commandment keepers." I haven't been to tour the Temple yet but am planning to go soon. Everyone I talk to says it is beautiful, I can't wait to go. Spencer and his little family will be here in a week and hopefully they will be happy to get out of the freezing cold weather and come home to the desert. I have missed him so much and can't wait to spend some time with him, Annie and the grand kids. Life is full of trials, but I know it will be worth it someday.

"Forced To Our Knees"

I hate it when I wake up and I know the day is not going to go well for me. I feel "lower than a snake's belly" and spend all day trying to feel better. Usually it's because I didn't get enough sleep, ate too much chocolate, or something or someone has ticked me off. As I have gotten older I'm not that productive. I have all these projects I want to do but lack the energy or ability. I decided to get up early and try to exercise, then went out and started trimming our fifty rose plants. January is the month to cut them back so that in the spring they will bloom and be beautiful. I spent a couple of hours trimming and then, had so much pain in my back I spent almost the rest of the day taking pain relievers and lying on a heating pad. These are the things that send me into that dark abyss of discouragement and depression. So yesterday I pulled out a book titled, "When You Can't Do It Alone Take The Savior's Hand," and started reading. It's written by Brent L. Top and I remember that I bought it because it was about a Mission President, and my brother was going to leave on his mission. Anyway, he talks about how the pressure and stress of his mission literally made him have a breakdown. He says, "what I was experiencing was a breakdown of confidence, a breakdown of hope, and a breakdown of faith." He went on to talk about his panic attacks. depression, anxiety and said, "The pain I experienced was physical, mental, and spiritual." Boy how I can relate to these symptoms as I have suffered for a long time with them. In the book he says, "I am convinced that each of us--if we are faithful and earnestly strive to be true disciples--will be "forced to our knees" at some time in our lives--perhaps many times." So on and on I go trying each day to learn what I need to that will help me get closer to the Savior.

A couple of weeks ago I went out to spend the day with Candi and her family. We watched football, ate pizza and even took a little nap. I was in one of those moods where everything seemed dark and I had no hope. This isn't something new for me, as I can remember being like this my whole life. I'm sure there is a diagnosis or remedy for it but until I find it, I will just "carry on." Anyway, on the way out to their house, my little eight year-old grandson Major asked me if I would make him a quilt. With seventeen grand kids I usually wait until I get asked before I make one. So for the last two weeks I have been sewing in my spare time and finally finished it on Monday, MLK Day. Tristyn was playing in a volleyball tournament at ASU, so I went for the last two games. When my girls were teenagers I would go to all their tournaments, even those in Las Vegas, but now Mindi and Dave can do the traveling and supporting. After the games Candi went by her shop and got her scissors and clippers and came by to do hair. There are some perks to helping your daughter get through hair school. We wouldn't be able to afford what she charges for hair and we appreciate every time she comes over. Mindi had asked me what I was going to do when I gave Major his quilt and didn't have one for his little brother, Dallas. I will feel bad but he never asked me to make him one so that's tough. So when I gave Major his quilt, Dallas buried his head in his Mom's side and started sobbing, wanting to know where his quilt was. I finally got him under control when I told him I didn't know what kind of quilt he wanted or what color. He calmed down and said something about oval shaped fish, what! but decided on something with animals on it. So yesterday I pulled out my stash of fabric and started making a quilt for him. I'm looking forward to having Spencer and his family come for a visit in a couple of weeks, and am excited to take a tour of the new Gilbert Temple. If anyone goes into the tent at the Temple, my kitchen chandelier is hanging in the tent. Lennie and Rich took it down a few weeks ago to use for the open house, so we are just eating in the dark for a couple more weeks, and boy is it romantic, NOT!

My Sack Of Rocks Is Perfect For Me

Another week has come and gone and we are already in the middle of January. The buzz around here is all about the opening of the new Gilbert Temple. My brother and sister-in law have been on the committee to see this happen and this morning they got to take their immediate family and my parents through as guides. My Mom drove over from Scottsdale to come but Dad is really sick with the flu. When I talked to him the other day he was having a hard time breathing, but I think he's doing better. Hopefully he will be able to come with us when we go later this month. After taking a weeks worth of antibiotics, I still don't know if they will be able to save my tooth. Just one more thing "that can possibly go wrong." Rich always thinks I think of the worst case scenario, but I think he doesn't live in reality most of the time, so we're even. This week I've had a few interesting conversations with friends and family members. One especially intrigued me, as we were talking about expectations in our life. As I listened I thought of myself and how my life hasn't really been what I expected either. As a young girl I was extremely active. I drove my Mother crazy to the point she sat on the floor and cried one time after I climbed on top of the fridge and dumped a whole box of cereal on the floor. Mindi is experiencing a little bit of that with Trulie. As I listened and then said, "Do you think I would ever think my life would be the way it is, with hip replacement, anxiety, and the passing of Kamber?" Everywhere I look people are going through hard times, and I get it. But I also know that no matter how hard things are for me, there is someone going through something more challenging. My sister once told me that we are all caring a sack of rocks. Each of us have our own sack specific to us. I really don't want to carry any other sack besides mine. My sack is just perfect for me, no matter how heavy it gets, it's still mine.

"Everyday Look For What You Did Right"

A few weeks before Christmas I started feeling pain in a tooth in the back of my mouth. Every time I would eat or drink anything hot, it would send me to my knees. I was too busy to see the dentist until the week before Christmas when it was so painful I made an appointment. When I went to my dentist they took an x-ray to see what the problem was. She looked at the x-ray and told me I just had a cavity and we agreed to wait until after the holidays to do anything about it. Last week was the day when I finally got brave enough to call and go in for the bad news. When she finally looked at the tooth she informed me that I had a bacterial infection under the crown. Not in the root of the tooth but between the roots. I was so happy to not need a root canal until I was informed that if a week of antibiotics doesn't kill the infection, I will need to have it pulled and either an implant or a bridge put in. DANG, I hate having dental problems. When I was a young girl I was so afraid to go to the dentist that they would have to sedate me,  just to get an exam. I've come a long way since then but still need my anti-anxiety drugs to make it through my treatment. I have had a rough couple of weeks dealing with some emotional and relationship issues. Why does life just seem to be so hard sometimes? This morning as I was listening to the television, they were talking about how hard it is for women who are trying to do it all. To raise children and be the bread winner and juggle all the responsibilities of being a Mom and working. I never did work out of the home but nevertheless I did feel overwhelmed and worn out. One of the Life Coaches said, "everyday you should look at all the things that you did right that day. Not dwelling on the negative things but just being thankful for the good." I look at my own children and they have all had challenges with sick kids, and trying to teach them right from wrong, and boy does it take lots of time and energy. Trulie is so hard right now, this morning she was throwing something at the television. Mindi is way more patient that I would have been, she would have gotten a spanking on the bottom if I were her Mom. That's the great thing about being grandma, it's not my problem.

"NOW Is The Best Time"

When my cleaning girl showed up this morning to help me, she asked, "are you in a better mood this week than you have been?" I didn't realize that my sadness, frustration, and emptiness had been so obvious. I didn't realize that my nastiness and lack of gratitude had been so clear to those around me.  I guess I never have been a very good faker, I wouldn't make a good actress either. You pretty much get me as I am when I'm around. My life would be so much better if I could just pretend, in fact someone told me this week that maybe I should just "act as if", instead of being honest with my feelings. The stresses of this holiday season sent me into a tailspin. As I age it gets harder and harder to get things done and accomplish just the necessary jobs I have, that doesn't even include what I want to do. I start second guessing my life and wishing I had made different choices that would have hopefully saved me from some painful experiences. I find myself in a stupor of worry about my future and that of my children and grandchildren. I worry about the path our country is headed, the economy, our safety, and my obligation to stand up for what I believe. As my friend asked me, "why don't you and Rich just leave for Christmas?" This coming from someone who doesn't have any children, aging parents and own their own business. It got me thinking about how we are all in different situations in life. Sometimes I get caught up in the chaos and stress and can't see all the blessings around me, then the guilt creeps in and my tailspin starts. I was reading an article written by President Uchtdorf where he said, "Human beings can become cluttered with fears, doubts, and burdensome guilt. The mistakes we have made (both intentional and unintentional) can weigh upon us until it may seem hard to do what we know we should." Then he goes on to talk about when the best time to change is. He says, "NOW is the best time to start becoming the person we eventually want to be--not only 20 years from now but also for all eternity." I don't know if I will be around for twenty more years but hopefully I can pull myself out of this place I'm in and start now to change my outlook on life.

"Be The Darling That You Are"

Last week was crazy with spending New Years Eve at the pound picking up my street walking dogs and going to bed before ten p.m.. I could hear all the people whooping and hollering and shooting off fireworks but I was too tired to participate. I love all the church talks on a new beginning and starting over, letting the past stay in the past and having a new outlook on life. Hum! The problem for me is that even though the calendar turns to 2014, I still have the same struggles I had last year, and the year before, and as long as I can remember back. What do you do about those trials? How do you let go of the grief of losing a grandchild or some mean things someone has said about you? Yesterday I went out and spent some time with Candi and her little family. We had such a good time and they were so kind, fed me lunch and we watched football together. As we were talking, the conversation went to my Mother, Grandma Greer. Major didn't really know who we were talking about until Candi said, "you know the older lady with the white hair." She then went on to tell Major something Mom used to tell her all the time. She always says, "Be the darling that you are." It took me back to my many conversations with her, even now, where she has ended with, "Teri you are a darling, keep smiling and being the darling you are." I guess if your Mom feels like you are a darling you should be able to put up with all the sadness and heartache that comes your way. Last week I made a quilt for a little six year-old boy in our ward who was critically hurt when he was thrown off a golf cart on Christmas. He had two skull fractures and bleeding on the brain and was in really bad shape. Mindi was asked to help take dinner in on Thursday evening so I spent two days sewing and getting it done so she could take it to him. Last I heard he is home from the hospital and doing well, I hope the quilt will give him some comfort. Hopefully in the New Year I will be able to be the darling that my Mom thinks I am.

 

 

A Better 2014 Hopefully

I am slowly getting the decorations put away, the tree down and hopefully after tomorrow my house will be back to normal. I can honestly say I'm glad 2013 is over and I have an opportunity to leave that in the past and move forward. The end of the year found Mindi and I at the Maricopa County Animal Control Center in Mesa waiting to pick up our two little dogs, who someone either called on, or took there. After paying all the necessary fines we were told to go to the back and pick them up. It was around 1:30 in the afternoon and we were the first ones in line. Just as we got there, they shut the door and rolled down the aluminum door and left us standing for over an hour while three different trucks came in with either dogs or cats for processing. As we stood there, I became angrier and angrier. If we would have been just a few minutes earlier, we would have been out of there but instead we ended up spending over three hours at the pound. What a sad place to be and especially during the holidays. As we were standing there a man came in bringing a cat. He said he wanted to surrender him to the pound. The lady started asking the usual questions like, how old is he? What is his name, and then told him it would be $51 to turn him in. When he told her he was a fifteen year old cat I almost started to cry. After fifteen years why would you take him to the pound? I have friends who don't like animals and that's okay, but to me if you don't feel an obligation to take care of these creatures who don't have a way to care for themselves, I just don't understand. Anyway, we are trying to be vigilant about keeping our roaming dogs home and are hoping for better things in the new year.

White Elephant Gifts?

On Christmas morning when we were waiting for the kids to come to open their presents, Rich and I were just sitting relaxing in our chairs when I looked up at the shelf on my wall. I noticed there was a green trophy sitting up there. Mindi got it down and we wondered how a 2001, 3rd place running man trophy had gotten up there. I then remembered the three plastic Tiki glasses that I saw in my kitchen cupboard when I was putting dishes away. Later on we found a pink pig in the hutch in the family room. While we were opening presents, there were two under the tree that no one knew who they were from. Rich opened the small one, a Coney hot dog steamer, and I opened a large wrapped box with an ugly wall hanging in it. By then we were accusing everyone in the family of being the person or persons who would do this to us. Then this morning as I got in the shower I found a little white statue of a little girl in the middle of all my shampoos and conditioners. There is a part of me that thinks this is funny but Rich and I both feel kind of violated. Who has the nerve to come into our home, without being invited and putting Goodwill items on shelves, in cupboards and even in our shower? I thought of calling the Police and making a report of a trespassing, but I don't know if it's a crime to come in someone's home and leave ugly useless stuff around. Anyway, if someone knows who has come into our home and left these things please let us know, if not I have lots of White Elephant gifts to give out next year.