What Is Happiness Anyway?

When I went outside this morning to feed my animals I looked around and had such gratitude for all my blessings. Then the thought came to me, with all these blessings why do I struggle so bad with being happy? What really is HAPPINESS? I know for me, I've spent the majority of my adult life trying to find something or someone that could make me feel joyous, but no matter what I buy or what I do, nothing seems to fill up that desire for happiness that I so desperately want. I have noticed that since Kamber passed away and I had my hip surgery, my mood has been even more dreary than it was before. As a child my parents, especially my Mother, would always quote scriptures to me about if we live the commandments our Heavenly Father will bless us. I don't ever really remember her telling me that some of the things I would go through like childbirth, raising children, trying to get along with a spouse, or losing a grandchild would test me to my very core. I know we aren't suppose to compare our situations to others but darn it, does everyone have these days that make us wonder what in the heck is going on? Life can be brutal but no matter how bad I think it is I know my life is so much better than the majority of people on this earth. So, I have come to this wonderful conclusion that I am the only one that can make me happy. I've given everyone else a chance and that hasn't worked so I will have to figure it out by myself. I want be able to make some changes in my life that will help me on this discovery. I don't know where this road will lead me, maybe just in to take a nap, but hopefully some day I will be able to find the gifts I have within me to bring the happiness I'm searching for.

Shopping for Mother's Day

I've spent most of this week shopping. I started at the grocery store on Monday, and then we've been to fabric and scrapbooking stores and then yesterday and today I've been at the malls trying to find gifts for Mother's Day. Last night Mindi and I took Tristyn to some of her favorite stores. She is so picky we decided that we wouldn't give our opinions because FOR SURE if we liked it she would hate it. While driving to the mall I realized this would be the first year I wouldn't be buying anything for Rich's Mom, Beth. Her birthday is this week on the 4th of May so I would always mail something to her for both holidays. She passed away a few months ago, we will certainly miss her this year. I was saddened this week as I talked to a friend of mine who has never had any children. I listened as she told me how she hates Mother's Day and it shouldn't be on a Sunday because when she goes to church all they talk about is Mothers. I have a wonderful cousin who has never been married or had children but she is the best sister and "auntie" anyone could ever want. I'm not a big fan of this day but not because I don't have any children or grandchildren, but because sometimes I feel like I was a failure in my parenting. I do believe that we as women whether married or single, mothers or not, do our very best to be good examples to those around us. This afternoon my sister Mell and I went shopping for our Mother. With Len and Julie on a mission and my other sibling going through some rough times, it is just the two of us trying to find a gift to represent our love and appreciation for her. What could we possibly buy at the mall that would even put a dent in all she has done for us? Without her sacrifice we wouldn't be where we are today. She was not only a school teacher but she taught us the gospel. One of her favorite sayings to me is "Teri, what would the Savior do?" Hopefully some day I can be that person she would want me to be.

Searching for the Light

Rich turned to me the other morning and asked me if I thought I needed to get on some medication. What, the twenty pills I take a day aren't enough? I can laugh about it now but at the time I was in a deep dark hole not knowing if I could ever crawl out. I know that life is suppose to teach us to be more like the Savior and be tested as to what kind of life we will live, but some trials are enough to put us under. I know there are things that are happening in the world that are so horrible I don't even want to think about the starving people in Africa and the homeless ones in Japan. Where is the JOY we are promised? I feel guilty because sometimes I'm just overwhelmed with getting my dishes done and my laundry put away. I worry about my parents as they move into their 80's, how much longer will they be around? What about the nasty world my grandchildren are going to live in? When will the NFL and the players stop acting like babies and get a deal done? Yesterday my Mom called to try and pull me up out of the dungeon. She wanted to know if I was practicing my piano. I took five years of piano lessons but when she finally realized it was a waste of her money she let me quit. Oh how I wish I could play those hymns and primary songs I love so much. Maybe that would be good therapy for me. I did have success playing high school and college volleyball but after knee injuries and childbirth that was over too. Next week is Mother's Day one of my most favorite days, right up there with my Birthday. Yippee! That's coming soon also. I know there is a light out there somewhere, it's my responsibility to search for it and hopefully find it some day.

Blessings of Easter

Brookie with one of the puppies

Kylie

Tayler and Max

Life continues to show me that it's a test to be on this earth trying to survive the trials I'm given and work through some very hard emotional stuff. I felt life was hard before but now with the passing of Kamber it seems like I have a big dark hole in my heart that won't heal, no matter how hard I try. Anyway, Ethan called to ask if I could watch the kids while he and Jenn went to the funeral of an Aunt of hers. So I got to spend the morning with the Larsen children. It was so fun to have them over. First we went to hold the puppies which Tayler and Kylie were totally good about being careful. Brookie wanted to hold them but if they made a noise or moved a little bit she would just drop them. Max wasn't interested so he just crawled around playing with toys. As Ethan left he invited me to go to the cemetery with them to decorate Kamber's grave for Easter, so while I was babysitting I was also trying to get showered and dressed. It's a good thing I can still multi-task. Kylie decided to go outside and cut some roses, she and Tayler made some amazing bouquets. We went to the cemetery and met Jenn's Mom Madeline there. I can honestly say I haven't ever been to the cemetery on or around Easter before. There was a cool breeze blowing and it was so peaceful there. It amazes me to see all the ways to decorate a grave and it was fun to see how creative people are. We took some pictures and came home stopping to get some lunch on the way. My sister came by to get me and we went shopping for Easter clothes. When we were kids my Mom always got us a new dress to wear to church on Easter Sunday. We hit a couple of stores but I didn't find anything that I loved, so I'm hoping for another chance to go to the Mall with Mindi and Tristyn tonight. I know that the clothes aren't important to celebrate Easter, I'm so thankful for my testimony that Christ lived and gave his life for me, without the Atonement there would be no hope to see those family members again and to live with them on the other side. We are getting together tomorrow for Easter dinner, that's what life's all about!

Ethan and the girls, Max was asleep in the car

Darling me and Madeline

Paying It Forward

We had a nice anniversary, Rich fixed the pump in my pond, picked some roses and took me to the Ward Mexican Fiesta for dinner. It was a fun day but I was so tired from being up most of the night with Bella giving birth, all I wanted was some sleep. I spent most of yesterday sewing a little skirt for Brookie. I found the pattern while shopping for material for Mindi's new baby due this summer. It felt so good to just relax and be creative, but I felt guilty for not wanting to do all the other household chores. I told Mindi today that I'm just burned out. Thirty-five years of cleaning house, doing laundry, mowing yards, and raising kids has taken a toll on my body and my sanity. I find myself becoming annoyed more easily, and just the little things seem to get to me. We talked about charity last week in RS and then this Sunday it was about being honest. After I left church I realized that I try to be an honest person, but I struggle with charity sometimes. Mindi and I decided to make some spring wreaths for some of our favorite people, so off we went to Hobby Lobby, Michael's and then finally Jo Ann's. As we were pulling out of Hobby Lobby there was a guy in a big truck getting his wheelchair out. He had a remote that moved his chair out so he could get in. I was so impressed that he was all alone and obviously he couldn't walk by himself. Mindi said, "see Mom, it could be a lot worse." I then said, "that's the problem it probably is going to get worse." At Michael's I just sat in the car with Troy because he was in need of a nap. While I was people watching I noticed several ladies coming out with canes, walkers and others just limping. It's interesting that when you have a disability you notice others who might have the same challenges. I think my expectations were different than what I got out of my surgery. When I complain my Mom just says, "but at least you are out of pain." Yes, most of the pain is gone, but I can't walk very well, and that gets me down. This weekend we had two more drownings and two others who were rescued. This always puts me in a dark place. You go down that road again knowing this time how these families feel. Ethan and Jenn have started a non profit to make caskets for children who pass away. We are busy trying to come up with ideas to raise money to help pay for these "labors of love." We were helped by so many friends, family and ward members that we want to "pay it forward" so other families can feel our love and support for them. Life is short and we never know when something will happen to someone we love. So I guess it's time to cheer up and start working.

35 Years Together and 5 Puppies Born

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine about how old we are getting. In two years I will be 60 and then if I live twelve more I will be 70. How can that be? It seems like my life is going by so fast. Two months ago Mindi decided to bring a little male to breed with her female Shih Tzu Bella. As we were looking at the calendar we realized she would have her puppies on Rich and My 35th wedding anniversary today. Yesterday we couldn't find Bella all day long. This little dog usually follows us around begging for food but she was acting strange. We finally found her under the boys bed and sure enough she was in labor. So Mindi, Tristyn and I were up until 2:30 this morning helping deliver her puppies. She had the first two really fast and then we waited and waited for the third. She had the last one at around 2 a.m. To say that I am tired is an understatement. I'm too old to be delivering puppies until late in the night. The third one was so cute I decided to keep her. A few hours after she was born Tristyn picked her up and she was limp and not breathing. I tried to stimulate her and breath close to her nose and mouth in hopes she would make it. She gasped for about an hour and we really thought she would make it but she never did get warm and breath normally. So she had five puppies and we have four that lived. It will be easy to remember the date they were born because of it being our anniversary. I brought my wedding album out, I do it at least once a year, it's hard when you don't recognize the people in the photos. I hope when I die my spirit will look like I did when I was 22, tan athletic and strong. Life seems to take a toll when you get out into the "lone and dreary world." Anyway, I'm happy for every year Rich has been able to put up with my PMS, postpartum, animal hoarding behavior. I've had to put up with some of his little faults too. I guess we deserve each other, that is the only reason I can think of that we would put up with each other, that and our deep love. Anyway, we made it through another year, sometimes we don't know why it seems so hard, but I'm thankful for all the lessons learned from this experience. Our posterity is growing with soon to be 16 grand kids added to our wonderful four children and their spouses. How can life get better than this?

Easter Pagaent Message

Rich Damir and Hamra at the Easter Pageant

On Tues. morning Rich informed me that he had invited a friend of his to come to the Easter Pageant at the Mesa Temple. At first I told him I didn't know if I would be able to walk that far or sit on the hard metal chairs in the cold. As the day progressed I kept hoping they would call to say they couldn't make it so I could stay home and watch the"Biggest Loser." Well, at 6:00 p.m. they called Rich to say they were five minutes away from our house. So, off we went Rich and I and Damir and his girlfriend Hamra. Damir used to work for Rich, he had recently come to the U.S. from Bosnia. But three years ago he was riding a motorcycle without a helmet and hit some railroad ties that had been buried in the road. He was thrown off his motorcycle and hit his head on a rock in the road causing severe brain damage. I remember Rich going to the hospital to see him and coming home so sad. The doctors and nurses all said he wasn't going to make it and if he did he would be a vegetable, that they should "pull the plug" on his life. Well, his Mother wouldn't even consider that, telling the hospital staff that he would make it and she would never give up on her son. As we walked in to the Temple grounds it was so peaceful. Here I was limping along but poor Damir took quite a while to make it to our chairs. The last time I saw him was at Kamber's funeral and he was extremely thin, white as a ghost and in a wheelchair. As we sat and watched the Pageant about the life of Christ, I thought of how important the Atonement is to all of us. Although most of us are struggling with some sort of challenge we can all make it back to our Heavenly Father if we repent, and live the commandments. It sounds so simple, but in reality it gets complicated some times. After the Pageant we went to eat at Denny's, it was close and late around 9:00 p.m. As we sat and visited I asked him a bunch of questions like, do you remember the accident? How long were you in a coma? How old is your little boy now? As we talked I remembered a conversation I had with one of my favorite people in the whole world. I remember him saying that if he was in an accident and was on life support, and wasn't going to be at least 95% he didn't want to live, he wanted us to "pull the plug." After talking to Damir and seeing how thankful he is to be alive, I felt so disappointed in my loved ones attitude. NO his life isn't perfect, he goes to therapy everyday and his girlfriend drives him everywhere he needs to go, but darn it he seemed happier than any one of us who haven't been through what he has. He is thankful for just being alive. What a wonderful place to be, having gratitude for the simplest things. I need to change my attitude and hopefully I will never have to make that horrible decision.

Learning Charity

It seems like lately I've been "lower than a snake's belly" so I hate to write when I don't feel normal in the head. Yesterday I spent the day with a dear friend. We went to lunch, the chiropractor and then shopping for clothes. It felt good to be out and not just home in the doldrums. Today Mindi went to get another ultrasound of her baby so I went to Scottsdale to visit with my parents. It's always nice to go home and be able to relax and just be me. My Mom works in the Temple but because of the Easter Pageant she doesn't have to work for a couple of weeks so my Dad decided to take us out to lunch at Los Olivos. As we drove to downtown Scottsdale I couldn't believe how different it looks since I moved away 35 years ago. Life seemed so simple then. Growing up my Dad would always tell me, "Teri don't wish your life away." I didn't understand it then, but now I do. While talking to my parents I told them how disappointed I am with my life right now. I try to do the right things, those that I was taught as a child, but there is still a part of me that I don't seem to be able to change. To me life should be different than it is. I really did feel that after my surgery I would feel better, walk better, be able to do things I couldn't before because of the constant pain. That's not my reality yet, all I can have is hope that someday things will get better. I'm so thankful for parents who love me and want the best for me. I know their lives haven't been perfect but they have always lived life with charity, now if I could just become like them my life would get easier for sure.

The birthdays just keep coming. Yesterday Spencer's little guy turned four and today my little, or should I say BIG guy turns 30. I can't believe it has been that long since I birthed my first son. He was almost ten pounds, and if the cord hadn't been wrapped around his neck he would have been born in the carport of our little house on Jacaranda St. in Mesa. After a wild ride to the hospital, I was only in there around fifteen minutes before he was born. In the olden days we didn't have the privilege of knowing what gender we were having, so I was so excited to have a boy after two girls. I woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. Rich leaves early to go work out so I'm alone almost every morning to ponder my life and my day. After about an hour of not so nice thoughts I decided to get up and do some writing that I was told would help me with some of these negative feelings I've been having. Since Kamber's passing I feel like I have a big chunk of my heart missing. Maybe a dark cloud hanging over me too. I often wonder if maybe there is something seriously wrong with me that I can't just forget the past and look forward to the future. The problem is, the future isn't looking that great to me right now either. It's easy with all the wars going on, the economy tanking, earthquakes and floods to get discouraged about life. Pretty soon it will be 110 degrees around here and that would make even a normal person crazy. Anyway, I'm thankful to be out of bed today, not running a fever, sitting up and taking nourishment, maybe that's all I need today to just have hope that I can make it through today. I have blessings upon blessings but darn it sometimes I can't see them through my dark colored glasses. Anyway, Happy Birthday to my wonderful son Ethan, we love you!

The Fisherman Returns to the Flu or Headache?

Rich has been gone for four days fishing with Spencer in Missoula, Montana. I'm glad he got to go on a little trip but it will be nice to have him home, I always sleep better when he's here. When he leaves town I want to get lots of things done, like clean out a room, get all the ironing done, and have my house spotless and me looking "smashing" when he comes in the door. Well, I had great intentions today as I woke up and started doing my chores and trying to put things away. We also got irrigation so that is always a worry for me, but with Mindi pregnant and me crippled Dave came home to take care of that thankfully. As the morning progressed I started feeling worse with each passing minute. I finally got a thermometer from Mindi and put the heating pad on my feet, I also started taking some meds for my throbbing headache. What the @%ll, I have the flu again? After a lecture from my Mom to not stay in bed and "get up and dust," that is what my Grandma Fern would always say when we were sick, I have attempted to get a few things done before Rich arrives around 6:00 p.m. I'm wondering if it is the change in the pressure from a storm that is suppose to move in later tonight that is causing my headache, but who the heck knows. I have often wondered what it would be like to look and feel like I did before taking that hard road to marriage and child bearing. What would my life be like if I never got married, had kids and instead had a single life and career. Would I be happier with my life or would I yearn for what I have now? I understand that the "Plan of Happiness" requires us to be sealed in the Temple and have children if possible, so hopefully when I reach the other side it will be worth the sacrifices made. I can't imagine not having a husband, children and grandchildren, they teach me lessons I wouldn't have learned if I didn't have them in my life. On Monday I went to the UPS store to send a package to the kids in Colorado. It was full of birthday and Easter stuff for Tyton's birthday tomorrow. As I was standing there a lady and her husband walked in with a box of nothing but candy. Tootsie Roll pops, Skittles and a bunch of other candies they were sending to their grand kids in Texas. She was hobbling in on crutches so of course I had to ask her what her problem was. She told me how she was in a car and another vehicle rammed her, backed up and hit their car again. She seemed to think it was an insurance scam because this same driver had hit six other cars here in Gilbert. As a result of this accident she had a heart attack, a brain seizure and they had to replace her knee which her body is rejecting. I told her about my hip replacement and how disappointed I am that my walking isn't better, she had a few suggestions on how I could feel better. After listening to her story and all that is wrong with her I felt thankful that my problems seemed so minimal. No matter where I look there is always someone who is going through something worse than I am. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and get those things done on my list, if not there is always Friday.

Three Birthdays and NO Car Seat Cover

All the kids at the party!

Ethan and Brookie after opening presents

The quilt I made for Brookie

I'm always excited when Rich leaves town because I think I can slack off on the house cleaning and go shopping, out to eat and just kick back. It sounds like a good idea until I look around and see that by taking a few days off it really just makes my life harder. Today we ran some errands, got some lunch and then drove down into the middle of Mesa to talk to a girl about helping me make a car seat cover for Mindi's new baby due in July. I bought a pattern last week and used some old ugly material to make a practice one and it turned out horrible. I thought I was a better seamstress than I am obviously. After talking to her about how much work it is and that you really don't have a pattern, I would just "eyeball it" I decided that maybe spending $75-$100 would be worth it instead of the irritation of making one. I love to make quilts, they aren't perfect, but who cares, I do the best I can, but to take on a project at this age and time just doesn't feel right to me. We went out to Ethan and Jenn's yesterday to celebrate Brookie's birthday. When we showed up she had this scarey looking Dora mask on. Every time I think of her it makes me smile. She was only three months old when Kamber passed away, she is really special to me because she helped get me through that terrible trial. I also have a really special feeling for little Gunnar who was born a few hours after we buried Kamber. It will be interesting to me when I go to the other side to understand the dynamic between burying a grandchild while bringing another one in the world on the same day. Tyton's birthday is Thurs. and then Ethan will be 30 on Friday. Conference weekend was so good. As I was listening to the speakers I realized how many things I fall short in doing. It seemed like the brethren are really worried about the families and the way we treat each other. I know I don't show the appreciation and love I should to my spouse and kids, I need to do better. Hopefully tomorrow will be a more productive day for me, before I know it Rich will be home wondering what I did for four days. What has he been doing for this time, eating prime rib and fishing, life isn't fair!

Bathing With The Scorpions

After a couple of days of severe pain it is nice to be up and walking again. Mindi and I even went shopping for baby clothes and material for her quilt. I feel like I'm in a catch 22 where I need to exercise to burn calories, but if I'm not careful and do too much, I put myself back a few months. My Dad came over for a visit yesterday and to pick up some grapefruit from our trees. He and my Mom have been super worried all week about the hip pain I have been experiencing. After I showed him where it hurt and told him how discouraged I have been he finally said, "Teri, you are just going to have to accept the fact that you are crippled and awkward and just do the best you can and try not to get down emotionally." Okay Dad, thanks for the words of wisdom. I had Rich and Dave give me a blessing on Wed. evening and oh how I appreciate the power of the Priesthood in my life. As I got in the tub to soak my aching muscles I swung my legs over our huge tub and as I looked down my foot was an inch from this darling little scorpion. Here I was standing naked in the tub sharing it with a stinging creature. I tried to yell at Rich to come help me but he was in the office. I struggled to get my butt out of there as fast as I could, threw my nightgown on and stormed down to where he was reading and asked him why he didn't come help me. He says he didn't hear me. Anyway, I just filled the tub up with water and scooped him out and drowned him. This weekend is General Conference and I can't wait to listen to the speakers and feel the spirit. There are always things I need to hear, so hopefully I will be able to take it all in. Rich is leaving on Sunday morning to Montana to go fishing with Spencer. I hope they have a fun time, but don't catch any fish. That's mean huh! With Rich out of town I can do anything I want, Spencer promised me a spa treatment but that isn't happening, I will just be happy with a few nights of good sleep.

Exercise Equals Pain!

Monday morning I got a call from a dear friend asking if I was up to walking to get a little exercise. Mornings and especially Mondays aren't my favorite, but I told her she was welcome to come over and maybe we could do some stretching. So when she came we went in the family room and started doing an exercise routine I had taped in hopes of maybe burning some calories. Well, it felt really good to be stretching and I even did some light aerobics and lifted some weights. I was so proud of myself that I went out of my comfort zone and did more than I have in a long time. By yesterday afternoon I was so sore and my hip felt like it had been dislocated. I stayed in bed all afternoon with ice packs wincing in pain every time I tried to turn over. I spent a sleepless night trying to get comfortable and after taking pain meds all night I still wasn't pain free. This morning as Rich left he says his usual, "Dewey are you alright?" My answer was, "no I think I'm going to die if I don't find some relief for this pain." After he left my Mom called to see how I was doing. I told her about my night and how much pain I'm in and how desperate I am to find out what is wrong with me. She tries to help but basically NO ONE can help me. Mindi came home from her doctors appointment and informed me that today was the last day to use my 30% off coupon at Kohl's, so I got dressed, sucked it up and went shopping. I have three birthdays next week so it was important to make it to the sale. By the time we got home I was in tears, my head was pounding, my neck stiff and my hip was throbbing. I started taking the pain meds again and spent the afternoon on the bed with ice packs and a heating pad. I finally made it up to feed to animals and hopefully work on two quilts I need to finish. Rich called this afternoon to see if I had expired or not, we were talking about the olden days when I was a collegiate athlete and now there is a possibility I will be in a wheelchair someday. I assured him that he has aged too and there are some things about him that aren't the same now either. We did come to the conclusion that life isn't fair, and that when you get married you really don't know what challenges you will have along the way. We have some close family members who have decided to divorce and go their separate ways taking their children away from the church and out of our family. It breaks my heart to see the affect it is having on the people I love, but that is what we fought for in Heaven, the right to choose for ourselves what kind of life we want to live. I know there are people close to us who are literally fighting for their lives. It makes me feel bad that I can't just accept that I'm crippled and be happy, but that isn't the Greer Way!

March Madness

Casket made for Kamber

I love the month of March because the weather is so nice and the flowers are so beautiful. I also love "March Madness" with the college basketball games being played. My Dad attended ASU on a basketball scholarship so we were hoping one of our sons would want to excel at that sport, but instead they loved football. Even though both BYU and the U of A lost this weekend they both had really good seasons. This Sat. we attended the baptism of a friend of Rich's. She works at a Home Depot, his "home away from home", and he saw something really special in her. There have also been others who have seen the same light in her and we are happy to be a part of her conversion. I was impressed by some of the comments made at her baptism that "even though you have made this decision to be baptised it doesn't mean that you won't have many adversities along the way." After the accident that took Kamber from us, Ethan and Rich spent a week making her casket. The choices they gave them were not acceptable to the family so they decided to build something worthy enough to send her home in. Well, this weekend we got a call from a friend in the ward wanting Ethan's phone number. They had a close friend lose a son to a rare ruptured blood vessel in the brain and passed away on Sat. Ethan and Jenn have started a non profit where he is making caskets for children who pass away hoping to defray the cost, plus these are beautiful works of art. He took it to get the inside finished to be ready for the funeral on Wed. I have been racking my brain as to what we as a family can do to raise money to pay for the cost of materials for these little caskets. We are kicking around some ideas from either a garage sale or raffle off items that are donated. I know it is hard on my kids to go through the emotions while working on these caskets but I'm hoping that they will be able to provide a great service to grieving families and hopefully in turn it will help them with the healing process.

On The Road Again

Yesterday morning Rich came in to propose a plan to get me to Camp Verde to pick up my little bunnies. He suggested that I go to work with him, check on a couple of jobs and then we would hit the freeway and make our way up north. At first I wasn't so sure I wanted to spend the whole day on a road trip, but I hurried and started my dishwasher, threw a load of laundry in, got dressed and off we went. Rich is so busy running his company that we never really have time to spend alone. He's always worked 12-14 hours a day and I've spent all my time here at home by myself, so spending the day with him is really rare. While he was working on a job I sat in the truck listening to the radio and working on a quilt. I had the windows down and felt the cool breeze on my face, hearing all the birds chirping. Before we left I went in to see what the job looked like, I hear about jobs sometimes, but never actually see the transformation that comes once he gets the work done. We had a nice drive up the I 17 and enjoyed looking at the mountains and landscape. The only time we go that way is when we go to Utah and lately Rich has just flown in the airplane. Anyway, we made it up there around 12:30 p.m. and spent some time talking to Sally about her rabbits, chickens and even a cute little sheep. When I talked to her on the phone she only had one little female but when we got there she decided to let me buy two. I guess when I told her how sad I was about my Colorado rabbits she felt sorry and decided she would part with them. Sally was kind, most people that like animals are super nice. As we left Rich and I felt sorry for her as she told us that her husband can't find any work. We felt really blessed that we have been fortunate to make it through this rough economy, so far. We had planned to have a nice lunch but were running out of time as we needed to make it back to Phoenix to check on another job, hit Home Deport to pick up a window before dropping me off for Dave to bring me home. Rich had a meeting about a new job at 5:00 p.m. so I got to spend some quality time riding home from Scottsdale with Dave. It meant a lot to me that my husband, who isn't that BIG of an animal lover would take the time out of his busy schedule to take me that far to purchase rabbits. Hopefully this won't be our last road trip, I just don't think it will be picking up animals next time.

Loss

What a busy week it has been, time is going by so fast. My sister Mell had asked me to help her teach a couple of her friends how to make tamales. Yesterday was the day and even though it was a lot of work we had a good time. I'm not an expert by any means, I've only made them a few times but they turned out really well. I always get anxiety when I'm having strangers over to my house. I woke up early and took all my St. Pat's stuff down and got all the Easter rabbits put in their place. I did some laundry, cleaned my kitchen, filled up my hummingbird feeder and even took a shower and put on some make up. By the time they were cooking the last batch of tamales I was lying on the couch trying to get my second wind. I have always needed that little nap in the afternoon or I can't make it through the evening. I have been really sad about my bunnies and have been searching for some to replace mine. There is a girl in Camp Verde who is saving one for me and Rich has offered to take me on a road trip to pick her up. I just don't know when we will be making the trek. As I was talking to a friend of mine today about how sad I've been about my rabbits I began to cry. Okay, they were just two rabbits, what's my problem? It boils down to the fact that these were special rabbits. My son cared enough about me to drive me for two hours to pick them up, let me keep them in his garage and then brought them home the fourteen hours to Arizona. These rabbits weren't in my house, I hardly even touched them, but the sentimental value represented someone who cared about me. I have experienced one of the greatest losses by losing Kamber and these little bunnies are nothing compared to losing her, but darn it, it brings up the same emotions deep in my heart. I know there will be other pets that will come and go, they can be replaced unlike a loved one. Rich and I were talking about it last night and wondered if we will ever be able to "get over it" what ever that means. The only thing we can do is try and live a life worthy of seeing her again when we join her on the other side, but until then I will just keep trying to find something to fill the void.

Why Is Life So Hard?

I had a rough weekend but isn't life rough most of the time anyway? Trisyn had a volleyball tournament on Sat. and because of conflicts I haven't been able to watch her play. So because the games were being played close I decided to go. She had to be there at 7:15 a.m. so it was an early morning to get myself ready plus have all my animals fed. We got out there and watched the first game and then we had a two hour wait before the second game so we decided to go to Ethan and Jenn's to hang out. The kids had a fun time playing and then Jenn took me back with her kids for the last two games. Tristyn played really well but the team only won one out of the three games. I had left Rich home with a list of things to do but especially wanted him to get a cage built for my big white Colorado rabbit that Spencer drove me two hours to buy when I was up visiting. Anyway, I ended up buying two does and one was hopefully going to have babies soon. Well, Rich got busy doing other things and only got the hutch partially built and that was okay because I knew I had one more week before the babies were due. On Sunday morning Mindi came and told me to not go outside because the dogs had killed my two rabbits. WHAT! They didn't eat them, but they must have chased them until they died. I was distraught all day. I noticed that she had been digging but didn't think she could dig that far to get under the wall. It is a good thing I didn't go out because I would probably kill two dogs. I understand it is an instinct for dogs to chase rabbits, but I'm still heartbroken. I'm trying to find some of the same breed and there are some possibilities even if Rich has to take me to Camp Verde I will find some new Flemish Giants to replace my Colorado rabbits. Life is hard but there's nothing I can do about it but try to cope with what comes my way.

All of the grand kids after the tournament.

Feeling SO Much Better!

Wow, what a difference a day makes. I was so happy when I woke up this morning and actually felt pretty good. It was nice to get up and have the energy to fix breakfast, unload my dishwasher and do three loads of laundry, so far. When I went out to feed my animals Mindi had her three boys out picking up the yard and Trace was mowing. How nice is it to have three boys coming up the ranks for Rich to torment into working around the house. Hopefully they will take advantage of his expertise and learn how to work hard. After we were done in the back I needed to water the flowers out in front. It has been in the 90's the last couple of days so everything is thirsty. Rich kills himself in Oct. and Nov. so that we can have these beautiful flowers for the spring. I like the animals and he likes the flowers, so his joke is always, "you're the rancher and I'm the farmer." Not really because I could never raise an animal that I would be expected to butcher and actually cook and eat it. I just pretend they make meat at the grocery store so I don't have to think too much about where it comes from. I have been told many times that I should be a vegetarian because of my soft heart towards God's creatures. I have been working hard on a couple of quilts for some very special little people in my life, we have some birthdays coming up so I need to get them finished. We never get to go anywhere for spring break so I'm just pretending that my Colorado and Utah trips were taken instead of going to Aruba for spring break. Ha Ha! I feel so good today I took a shower and actually put a bra on. You know I'm feeling good when I get completely dressed. I put on this stupid shirt I bought a few years ago that is black with "Happy St. Patrick's Day" on it in rhinestones. I wore it for about a minute until I saw how stupid I looked in the mirror. So off it came and I put on a green Reebok tee shirt I bought with Spencer's money, much better for me. Our family doesn't have any Irish decedents that we know of so we won't be cooking the brisket and cabbage today, probably more on the lines of enchiladas and tostadas, but for everyone celebrating today, "Happy St. Patrick's Day."

FLU When It's 90 Degrees?

I woke up this morning at 4:45 a.m. and my hip was killing me. Rich was getting ready to leave for the gym so I asked him to please get me an ice pack and an Aleve before he left. As I got up to use the restroom I started to shiver and my teeth were even chattering. As Rich brought the ice in I thought maybe I should use the heating pad and try to get the chills to go away. I also took my blood pressure and it registered 185/85. I didn't know if I was having a heart attack, a stroke or maybe just a flu bug. I asked Rich to stay with me because I didn't know if I was going to live or die at that point. He was nice and got back into bed with his gym clothes on waiting for me to feel better. I finally took some more pain reliever and fell asleep until around 7:30 a.m. When I got up it felt like my arms weighed at least 50 lbs. each and I was aching all over my body. It felt like someone hit me on the back of my neck with a baseball bat. Mindi's kids have all had strep throat the last two weeks, but my throat didn't hurt. I have spent all day in bed except to get up to make some chicken noodle soup and finally took a hot bath to see if I could calm down all the aches and pains. I had such high hopes today that I could get some of my projects done, but the dishes are still in the dishwasher and I have four loads of laundry to do. I may try and walk out to see if my animals are all still alive but then I will be back on the bed for the evening. How can you get the flu when it's 90 degrees outside. Anyway, I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day, it is spring break and I was hoping to have some fun, but maybe that isn't in the cards either. I hate being sick! It takes a day in bed getting bed sores to appreciate feeling good enough to do the mundane chores around this house. Hopefully the sun will come up tomorrow and I will be feeling better, I'm tired of watching t.v. and drinking gatorade.

Spring Break and Service

Today is the first day of spring break for the grand kids and the six month anniversary of my hip surgery. It's always fun to have a change of pace and even though it's hard having the kids home all day, they are old enough to be lots of help. Hopefully we will be able to do some fun things and not just work around the house and on projects. Spring always brings feelings of a new beginning for me. With April Conference and Easter it always makes me emotional to think of the sacrifice our Savior made for us. Sundays seem to give me some time to reflect on my life and the things I need to do better. As a mother and grand mother I want to be an example of what to be like, but at times I'm afraid it turns into more of a what not to be like. That makes me sad, but it is what it is. The Relief Society lesson yesterday was really good about service. She gave a great quote by President Kimball where he says: "God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs." It was an emotional meeting for all of us sisters in the class. Who hasn't been touched by a kind act of service by someone who has been prompted to help us? After Kamber passed away we were all so heart broken, I didn't know if I would be able to keep it together. It affected my health, my marriage, my ability to think clearly, and many other aspects of my life. I remember Jenn telling me of an experience she had with her Bishop as they talked about how devastated they were and what they could do to overcome the deep feelings of sadness they were having. I remember her telling me that all her Bishop told her to do that would help them was, "serve, serve and then serve some more." In the lesson yesterday it talks about all the blessings we receive by serving others. It increases our ability to love and that makes us less selfish. It also helps us when we think of the problems of others our own problems seem less serious. I have been so sad about the devastation in Japan, but helpless of anything I could do. Hopefully as a family we will find opportunities to serve those around us as President Kimball said, "We become more substantive as we serve others-indeed, it is easier to "find" ourselves because there is so much more of us to find!"

Finally a Girl!

I've spent the last two days trying to fight off a headache. I don't know if it's the change in the weather or just stress. On Tues. I went to Scottsdale with Mindi, she had an appointment to see if they could make sure about the gender of her baby and I visited with my parents. We were waiting patiently for the call and it seemed like it was taking forever. I started to have terrible anxiety worrying that maybe something was wrong. Rich even called while he was busy working to see if we had heard anything. After about two hours we finally got the news that everything was okay and it is for sure a GIRL! I am so excited because girl stuff is so much cuter and more fun to shop for than boys. Although I do adore all my little grand sons it will be fun to have another girl and darn it, Tristyn needs a sister even if they will be thirteen years apart. Last night we got irrigation at 3:30 a.m. and I hate it when we get it during the night. I woke up at 4:45 and it was already up on my porch which means Rich needed to go out and send it down the ditch. When Mindi and I went out to feed the animals this morning I saw that my big pregnant momma rabbit had dug a hole and joined her male friend on the other side. So here we are a fat crippled almost 58 year-old and a four month pregnant lady wandering in the irrigation catching rabbits and shoveling dirt. Mindi was holding my big momma and I wanted to take a picture of her for posterity but she wouldn't have any part of that. As we were putting the rabbits back in their pen she said, "we have WAY to many freaking animals!" You Think! It's spring so all the animals are having babies, we have had six baby chicks hatch these last two weeks. We have also found three scorpions this week, good thing Annie is in Colorado because she thinks they are creepy. Life continues to teach me lessons I need to learn, hopefully I can be a good student.

"Opposition and Joy"

Before I left on my road trip to Colorado I had been reading a book by Bruce R. Hafen called "The Broken Heart." On Sat. as I was feeling very discouraged and not well, while looking for a paper in my office/sewing room I came upon a pile and found my book. I went in the living room on the couch and started reading. When I opened the book I was in the chapter titled, "Opposition and Joy." I haven't been feeling very much joy lately so I was interested in what he had to say. "The ultimate purpose of the Atonement is to ensure our happiness and joy." Then he goes on to tell us that when Adam and Eve went into the "lone and dreary world" they would find opposition in all things." They needed to experience the "misery of mortality in order to comprehend the sweet taste of joy. If they had remained in Eden, "they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew not sin." Before the accident that took Kamber away from our family I feel like we were in a bubble, and that bad things only happened to other families not ours. After the call that changed my life forever, I was walking down my hall pounding on the wall and yelling "Heavenly Father why us?" I will never forget the words I heard in my mind, "why not you?" At the end of the chapter Brother Hafen says," Somehow, our joyful experiences mean more when we are fully conscious of the alternatives and the contrasts that surround us. We prize our health when we see sickness. We truly love peace when we know the ugliness of war. The ultimate end of the Atonement, surrounded by such opposistion is "the great plan of happiness." I don't know if we will ever experience the true joy while on this earth but hopefully some day it will come.

What is Mindi's Baby?

Yesterday was busy around the house trying to catch up on all the projects that need to be finished or should I say started. Rich has a saying when he hasn't had time to work at home that "every thing's either broken or worn out" and that is where we are over here. We went to a birthday party on Friday night and that was fun, but standing for two hours was torture on my hip, so yesterday was hard to get motivated. I have been feeling a little sluggish and dizzy but this morning I woke up feeling pretty good. Sometimes I have to wonder where my brain is though. Today in Relief Society they always ask for "good news." I never want to say anything because I don't want to draw attention to myself or say something stupid, so I try and stay quiet. I think just making it out of bed and taking nourishment is "good news." Anyway, I felt that Minid having her sonogram and seeing her little baby was good news. I told the sisters that Mindi had good news about her baby. Everyone wanted to know what the gender was and when she said the baby's legs were crossed so we don't know yet, I said,"say a prayer that we will get a crotch shot this week." Are you kidding me right now? Why would I blurt that out in church with a bunch of ladies, did I think I was at a Greer family party or what? I am so embarrassed right now that I may not go back next week. Maybe I should take another trip until I can face my ward again. Life is always interesting so maybe I will have some really "good news" next week!

We Get To Choose

Today is Spencer's 27th birthday. I can't remember not having him home for his birthday except while he was on his mission, so I hope he will have a good day. The NFL is still in negotiations with the Players Union and today is the deadline to get an agreement between the owners of the teams and the players. I don't understand what the problems are, but think they should work it out for the sake of all the families whose lives depend on the sport. I am thankful that Spencer got his degree so if there is a lockout of the players he will hopefully be able to find a job.

I have been saddened by the conflict I have had with some of my family members this week. I've tried to figure it out in my mind what I can do to help the situation and for a few days the feeling has come that I need to respect every ones right to their free agency. I was taught from an early age that we fought in Heaven for the right to CHOOSE for ourselves what we wanted to do. I know as a teenager I rebelled against some of the rules my parents had put for our family to follow. I did however realize as I matured that they just wanted what was best for me. As I talked to my Dad on Tues. I could tell that he still feels bad about the way he treated me while I was growing up. We just disagreed about a lot of issues and I felt like he didn't respect my opinions. However, I would never call him and try and make a case for his shortcomings because he already knows. I think as parents we do the best we can in the situation we are put in. I have felt many times that I was way over my head trying to raise four children by myself while Rich was busy working and trying to put food on the table and shelter over our heads. Being married and having children has been really hard for me, but I loved my family and tried my best. That is the great thing about having grand children, you get to love them from a distance and not have the responsibilty of teaching them right from wrong other than through example. Since Kamber passed away I have felt such a struggle to feel worthy to be with her again. I want us all to be together again on the other side but that will depend on the lives we choose to live.

Visit with Mom and Dad

Yesterday was suppose to be the big day we learned the gender of Mindi's baby. I have bought a lot of girl material in hopes this will be another grand daughter. She found a place in Phoenix that does them cheaper than her doctor so I decided to have her drop Troy and I off at my parents house in Scottsdale and then she and Dave would go to the appointment. Well, it ended up that Tristyn and Trace both weren't feeling well so they were home to watch Troy. I was all ready to go so I went for the ride anyway. I don't get to visit at my parents house much because I don't drive by myself and most of the time we are way busy. When we got there at 10:30 a.m. they were just having breakfast. Is that what old people do? Anyway, it was fun talking to them about my challenges and getting their opinion on what I should do. I always knew my parents loved me, but at times I was a brat. It is nice to be at peace with them and so appreciate all they have sacrificed for me. Whenever there is a need they have always been there for support. As a young mother and even now as a grand mother I fall short time and time again. Rich and I know we didn't do the right things all the time. Some of my children still struggle with our imperfections and that makes me so sad. I know my parents did the best they could and I feel that I tried the very best to be a good example to my children. I hope in the end it was good enough. As it turned out with Mindi, the baby had HER legs crossed so they didn't get a good shot of her "privates" but we are confident it is a girl, or should I say hopeful it is. As long as we don't see any boy parts we will keep on hoping.

Mell and I "Petitie Elephant" Shopping

Mindi Me Barb Mom Mell

My Mother gave me the assignment to get a bridal shower gift for a cousin of mine. She lives in a part of Scottsdale that doesn't have anything close for her to shop, so because she thinks I'm a professional shopper I got the honor. Since Mindi has been pregnant she doesn't want to go anywhere other than the grocery store, the feed store, oh maybe Kohl's if she needs something. So I called my sister Mell and asked her if she wanted to take me to get the gift and hit a few other stores who were having good sales. So off we went shopping. My sister taught school for 32 years so she was too busy when our kids were young to go shopping but since she's been retired we have been able to do a few things together. It took us an hour to get the gift and then we went to the mall to see if we could find any bargains in "petite elephant" sizes. That's what we call Plus Size clothing. Thanks Spencer and Annie for the gift card. On the way home we talked about our lives and did some comparing. I have always felt regret that I didn't get a job after my kids were in school. I had my degree but never got to pursue a career because taking care of the house chores and my four kids was hard enough. My sister on the other hand was married to a school teacher so she needed to work to help support her family. This has left all the work on Rich who loves his job and serving in the church but he would have appreciated some help. I always felt that if I had a job I would be thin like my Mother. As we talked about our weight issues we concluded that it was either Mom's fault for feeding us delicious food, or it was genetic, or maybe a combination of both. Why can't we just be happy with who and what we are? Anyway, the shower was wonderful I got to see my favorite cousin Barb who I adore, and the food was awesome. Maybe it's just my lack of will power that I'm "thick" whatever it is I have only myself to blame.

5 lbs of Milk Chocolate and a White Lab

On Monday Spencer, Annie and the kids left to go home to Colorado. As I was helping them get packed the night before I began to feel really uneasy. I told Annie I was having the same feelings I did when Spencer left for Chile on his mission. He's been home for over five years so why would those feelings come back to haunt me now? I guess that with all the uncertainty in the NFL right now, none of us really know what is going to happen to them. Will they have a job? When will they be able to come visit again? It doesn't matter how old my kids get I still seem to worry about them everyday. About an hour after they left Ethan showed up to move some stuff in the garage, then Jenn called and brought her kids over to play while she helped Mindi. Candi came over a little bit later with her boys and did some hair. So my sadness quickly left when the chaos of all my other grand children showed up. It was President's Day so the kids didn't have school, it was so nice when the bus pulled up and the children climbed on yesterday morning. Mindi and I spent the day running errands and doing laundry. I have been kind of "in the toilet," sometimes my life just isn't what I thought it was going to be. I have had expectations of what my life would be, but it is far from what I was hoping for when I was younger. I continue to struggle with the loss of Kamber and the relationship that won't happen on this earth. There are also relationships that suffer because of selfishness and ingratitude on my part. Life has been hard for me for a long time struggling with health and emotional problems and I wonder what choices I have made and keep making that make the suffering worse. I wish I had the courage to step out into the darkness and have faith that all will be okay, but I guess my lack of faith will keep me in this place forever. This past weekend Spencer and Annie went to Chicago. They brought me back the biggest Hershey chocolate bar I have ever seen, it is 5 lbs. of solid milk chocolate. They also gave me the news that Trixie wouldn't be making the trip back to Colorado with them. I think that was a really smart move on their part after visiting them and seeing their lifestyle. So I am now the proud owner of a one-year-old white lab who will hopefully soon move out of the puppy stage and stop chewing up everything in the back yard and knocking down my door twice a day when she wants to be fed. Maybe some day they will be in a position to have their dog, I'm not going to hold my breath but it gives me something to pray for.

Who wants some Chocolate???

The Senility Prayer

The weeks are going by fast as we are closing in on the end of February. Yesterday was my son-in-law Dave's birthday and tomorrow is Mindi's big 34. How can such a spring chicken like me have a daughter that old? It seems like with three birthdays and a funeral my life would be busy and my social calendar full, but I'm sure we will find some more activities to fill in the blank days. Tomorrow we have Trent's football tournament and then Tristyn's volleyball games next Sat. A good friend in the ward called this morning and invited Mindi and I to go to lunch for her birthday. That makes three visits to Tia Rosa's in a weeks time. I hate to even think about the havoc it reeks on my diet. How many calories are in chips and salsa, a cheese enchilada, beans, rice and a cheese crisp anyway? I'm sure way more than I'm burning off doing dishes and laundry.
Last year I started a quilt for Dave. Mindi and I rounded up all his old T-shirts from high school, his mission, and trips he took before he got married. I have had them in a pile for a whole year without doing one thing on them. Well, this week I decided to get it done for his birthday. I worked at least three hours a day all week and finally got it all put together except for blind hemming the binding on it. Around ten o'clock last night I took it in to him as he was having a piece of his birthday cheesecake. He seems to really like it and gave me a little hug. That was huge, because as I have said before we Larsen's aren't very affectionate to each other. Now tomorrow we will need to find a way to celebrate with Mindi. I'm going to suggest something other than Mexican food for her dinner. Life continues to teach me lessons I need to learn. Sometimes I wonder why the trials can't be taken away but then I realize it could be so much worse, so I'm trying to move towards accepting my life and myself the way it is. In my house I have a lot of little signs that I have been given as gifts or that I have bought myself. While I was in the laundry room throwing some clothes in the dryer I noticed one of my favorite sayings.

It says: The Senility Prayer

God Grant Me

The senility to forget the people I never liked.

The good fortune to run into the ones I do like.

And the eyesight to tell the difference!

That says it all.

Flowers, Card and Dinner

After complaining about how much I hate Valentine's Day Rich surprised me with flowers, a sweet card and dinner at Tia Rosa's. This last month has been crazy with me traveling between Gilbert and Denver, then a week later up to Salt Lake for Grandma Beth's funeral. I am a very simple person with simple needs. Because I have anxiety I hate to be in crowds of people and especially struggle in big stores like Costco and Wal Mart. I was feeling extremely sad on Sunday because Rich had worked six long days and then spent the Sabbath away from 6 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. with his church responsibilities. I am content just being a visiting teacher and even then going in to sisters homes is hard for me. Rich has spent our whole marriage serving in every calling imaginable. I have tried supporting him but I must admit at times it has gotten hard to watch him go on trips with the youth, outings with the scouts and to the Temple with the Young Women, leaving me behind. I feel extremely blessed to have a husband that tries very hard to live the gospel and serve when asked. Last night as we were getting ready for bed he said, "I just hate getting old." We are both feeling the affects of getting close to sixty. Anyway, all I could think of answering him with was, "what do you want to do, live forever?" I really think Rich would like to live for a very long time. Anyway, it was fun going out to eat by ourselves it has been a really long time since we went out alone. Hopefully we will be able to do it again soon.

You Have To Love Valentine's Day!

I hate Valentine's Day almost as much as my birthday. Even as a young child and teenager it was a holiday I was glad to see come to an end. Rich has always been good about getting me some flowers or a treat but the cards are so corny and gushy that there is no way I would embarrass myself by giving them. I usually just make my famous sugar cookies with the pink frosting and the candy hearts on them. With Rich dieting and my blood sugar climbing, I think I will pass on that tradition also. Today in church the talks all revolved around loving our families, spouses, children, even our pets, (not really I just included them.) I'm not very good at telling my family that I love them, but I try to show them by doing the laundry, dishes, ironing, cleaning and all those motherly and wifely duties. I admire those families when you hear them talking to a member of their family they say "love you" when their conversations are over. There again that isn't the way I was raised, I would have fallen over dead if one of my siblings told me they loved me. My Mom does tell me a lot how much she loves me and how "darling" I am, I appreciate that. If your own Mom doesn't love you, I would say you've got some serious problems. Last week at the cemetery celebrating Kamber's birthday I saw the most beautiful flower arrangement on a grave close by. I walked over to look at it and at first didn't realize what it meant. There was a large circle filled with white carnations. On one side of the circle was a collection of red roses in the shape of half of a heart. As I looked closer at the headstone I realized that these flowers were put on the grave of a husband who passed away last summer. This would be the first Valentine's Day the wife would be celebrating without her spouse. Some of my other family members came over to see what I was looking at and my Uncle commented that the flowers represented a "broken heart." I had to take a picture because I thought it was so pretty. Every time I go to the cemetery it reminds me how fragile life can be. We never know when it will be our time to go back to the spirit world where we came from. I need to get a better attitude about Valentine's Day, maybe I'll make those sugar cookies after all, then again maybe someone will make some for me!

My Life Is A Blurrr

I can't believe it's already been a week since I was up in Utah eating a Mexican dinner with our extended family on Rich's side. My life has been a blurrrrr since I went to Colorado, home for a week and then up to Utah for another week. I have been so tired but super glad to be home and sleeping in my own bed. Yesterday was a really busy day running errands and cleaning to get my house ready to celebrate Kamber's birthday. We all met at the cemetery and let the kids send off purple balloons in memory of her. My Mom, her brother Carl and his wife Sue surprised us and came to spend time with our family. It meant a lot because they are very special to me. Carl is my Mom's only surviving family member, the rest have all passed to the other side. Sue and Carl's first baby, a girl named Cinda Sue was stillborn, so they understand how hard it is to bury a child. I admire them so much, he being a Vietnam Veteran and all the service they have done in their lives. They live in California but come to Arizona to get away for a while. It's always fun to see them. I went to the doctor today to go over the blood work that was taken before I left town. There are a few things that are a little concerning, but hopefully nothing too serious. Since having my hip surgery I have been extremely tired, and sometimes really depressed. Some days it feels like my hip is getting better and then others where I need my cane to walk. Everyone says it just takes time to get my strength built up, but on Monday it will be five months since my operation. After being in the cold for a couple of weeks I'm getting anxious for it to get hot so I can get in my pool and exercise. That means over a hundred degrees for a week or two to even get it to warm up. Is that me hoping for hot weather? I know I will wish I were in Utah or Colorado in a few months, I guess I will never be happy. Life continues to teach me lessons I need to know. I wish I had listened to the spirit and called Beth on the Sunday before she passed away. I need to be better at doing the things I'm prompted to do. I miss Kamber everyday but know she is in a wonderful place with family who LOVE her. Those of us who are still here keep trudging along until it's out turn to join her.

Glad To Be Home

I've spent the last six days taking the "slow boat to China," I mean Salt Lake City to attend the funeral of Rich's Mom, Beth. We left last week on Thurs, morning traveling to Las Vegas and then arriving in Salt Lake on Friday afternoon. Rich, Mindi, Candi, Spencer and Annie all flew, but I rode up with Ethan, Jenn and their children. Friday evening we got together with all the extended family at a Mexican restaurant where we ate and visited. After dinner we went to the church to continue the get together and Rich's sister Marybeth brought out all of her Mom's possessions for the kids and grand kids to pick from. Everyone got something of Grandma's and that was special. On Sat. we had a viewing before the funeral, then the funeral, the grave site and dinner back at the church. She looked beautiful, better than I had seen her in a long time. Having a debilitating illness seems to age you, I know that my hip surgery has taken a toll on the way I look and feel. On Sat. evening we all went back to Rich's sisters house, had dinner and visited with the family until late in the evening. It's always fun to see the grand-kids and great-grand kids and see them all grown up. Mindi and Candi flew back home after the funeral but Rich, Spencer and Annie stayed until Sunday morning when they flew home. That left us "slow boaters" to spend another night in Utah. We decided to go to Temple Square because Jenn had never been there. It was a spiritual feast for us as we walked the Temple grounds and then went over to the new Conference Center and took a short tour. We enjoyed the sweet feelings we felt as a family in a sacred place. After we were finished in downtown we promised the girls we would take them to the snow. So off we went up to the ski resort and found a place for them to play in the snow. That was a huge mistake because it was 29 degrees and they only lasted about 30 seconds before they were crying and in pain from the cold. Jenn was feeling like she was getting the flu so we went back to our hotel ate dinner and watched the Super Bowl. I don't think I have ever watched the game from a hotel room but we were so tired it was nice to just relax on the bed. We got up on Monday morning and headed back to Vegas, spent the night there and then came on home yesterday. It was so nice seeing all the extended family and I am so proud of all my children making the sacrifice to honor their grandmother. I know it will be a while before I will be taking another trip, but it was wonderful to spend some time with Ethan and his kids, they are "darling." Now the hard part starts, getting my house clean, laundry done and catching up on my sleep. Plus tomorrow is a big day because it is Kamber's birthday and we will be getting together again for that. I'm so thankful for my family and for the knowledge that we will be together again no matter what happens. Hopefully Kamber and Beth have been able to visit and they both know how much we miss and love them.

All of the grandsons were pallbearers.

Us and our four kids at the grave site.

Rich and his siblings and spouses.

Me at Temple Square.

On the roof of the conference center.

In front of the statue of Christ.

"Death Is Merciful"

Yesterday I was sad all day long. I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me. Was it "jet lag" from spending a week in the car with four small children? Was it disappointment in myself in the way I look and feel? Was it hoping that life was different and better than it is? I thought about Kamber all day long knowing that in ten short days it would be her birthday. Anyway, I watched a little t.v. took a long hot bath and was going to bed around 9:45 when the phone rang. I didn't recognize the voice but she seemed upset and wanted to talk to Richard. There are only a few people who call my husband Richard and they all live in Utah, plus it was an 801 area code, so I knew it was a call from someone up there. All I heard on the phone was a sad tone and him asking what he could do to help. When he hang up and I asked him who it was on the phone, he told me it was his sister and that his Mom had passed away. We are in shock, even though she has suffered from Parkinson's disease for a long time, we were hoping that she was doing well. On Sunday I told Rich that we needed to call his Mom and see how she was, it had been a while. We had a crazy busy day with ward conference, home teachers and dinner. Anyway, we never did make the call, and now that opportunity to visit with her is lost forever. As I said yesterday, each day is a gift and it is what we make of it that counts. I don't know what the funeral arrangements are now, I am hoping that most of our family can travel the twelve hours to Salt Lake City to be with our extended family who live up there. I remember when my Grandma Slade passed away I was so upset. She was 86 years old and spent most of her time in bed. As I was crying at her funeral my Dad said, "Teri, in lots of cases, death is merciful." I've never forgotten that. I know Grandma Beth has suffered so much with the illness she had to bare. I hope she is pain free and at peace, we love her and will miss her until we see her again on the other side.