Confused and Discouraged

Rich has little sayings he has said since we've been married. One of them is "are you confused, discouraged and looking for something better." I guess that is what the missionaries used in the discussions in the 70's when he was in Canada. I have thought of that quote often these last few months as the lingering depression of Kamber's passing, the economy has gone to h*#, and everything in our lives has changed. I am confused, discouraged and looking for something better. It seems like as we age things begin to fall apart. Our bodies aren't looking so "hot" and sometimes we don't feel that great either. Instead of having four children to worry about, we have eight children and twelve grandchildren to fret over. Anyway, all those things are blessings, but with the blessings comes the stress. For the last thirty-three years I have tried to do all I can to make the lives of my family better. I cleaned, washed clothes, dishes, dogs, and anything else that needed it. Rich would go with the scouts or hunting or whatever and I stayed home. Sometimes I could have gone but I developed "agoraphobia" after the loss of a pregnancy. So by choice I've stayed home in my little world. Anyway, I'm going out on a limb and leaving for Salt Lake in the morning. I'm taking a little trip, riding with my sister Mell and her husband Larry. I am afraid to fly so they have been kind enough to take the "slow boat to China" route. Rich will fly up Thursday afternoon and we will see family, shop and attend his missionary reunion with Elder Ballard on Friday evening. Then we will start our trip home on Saturday. Mindi has been kind enough to volunteer, (Ha, Ha,) to feed the animals, water the plants and keep our house safe. We appreciate her so much. She does so much service for us and all of our family. I know that by being the oldest she has been dumped on lots, but we love her and are so grateful that she is our daughter. Candi came over this week and cut all our hair and made us beautiful for at least the next couple of weeks. We love and appreciate her service too. I have the best kids. I know everyone thinks they do, but I'm sorry mine are the best. I hope we have a safe trip, say a prayer for me because I need all the help I can get.

It is What it Is

Yesterday was hectic, that isn't anything new, Sundays are always hectic for me. We had the Primary Program in Sacrament Meeting and the kids did really well. It's always good for a few laughs as some of the little Sunbeams can't talk very well. Some of the kids yell in the microphone, some you can barely hear, and others you have know idea what they just said. Anyway, I did really well until the closing song. It is one of my very favorite songs the kids sing. It is "The Family is of God." I really felt the spirit of those little children and the tears began to flow. When you lose a young child there is always that thought, "what would she look like now, what would she be doing?" I had this overwhelming sadness that Kamber will never be in a Primary Program. Maybe she is happy about that and maybe she was just too good to be on this wicked earth, but it still makes me sad. I guess that is selfish of me to want to be able to watch her perform, or grow up and play sports, get married and have her own family but "it is what it is." I have a testimony and faith that I will see her again, that she will be able to have all these experiences that she missed because of her early passing, but it doesn't make it any easier right now. Maybe in a few more weeks, months or years, but not now. Losing Kamber has tested my testimony more than any experience in my life and I hope to not have one as hard, but life is brutal. We all have to go through some crappy stuff to prove what we are made of. I asked a friend of mine "if Heavenly Father knows the "beginning from the end," and he already knows what my choices will be, then why do I need to go through all this?" He said, "yes he knows what you are going to do, but do you know what you are going to do? You need to prove what your choices will be." So, I will just keep plugging along trying to do the best I can in the situation I'm in because, "it is what it is" oh how true that is.

I'm Up and Taking Nouishment

One of my favorite people in my life has been my Aunt Tenna. She is my Mother's only sister who passed away in the year 2000 from a botched heart surgery. When asked how she was doing she would reply "well I'm up and taking nourishment." I guess that meant she was okay. Well, yesterday Candi came and did our hair and before she left Troy threw-up. Then I started feeling sick and Candi called me and said she was feeling nauseous. Well, I ended up spending the rest of the day in bed sick. I haven't been that sick since I did my colon cleanse for my colonoscopy. I was still up at 1:00 a.m. trying to find a way to calm my stomach. Every time I would eat or drink something it would pass right through me. I feel better this morning but am really weak. After lying in bed all day I decided if I ever get bedridden I want to pass on to the next life. I've been reading a book called, "21 Days Closer to CHRIST." It just gives a little story from the scriptures and then gives a little discussion on becoming closer to Christ. Yesterday I read about the woman in the scriptures who was plagued by an illness for more than twelve years. She knew that if she could just get close enough to the Savior to touch his robe she would be healed. She had that much faith. Then she gives a quote from Joseph Smith, "Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire." I wish I had the faith to know that all these experiences will make me a better person, more like the Savior. I am thankful today to be up and out of bed and taking nourishment, being sick makes me appreciate the days I feel good. Hopefully I will be back to normal soon.

Quilting for the Love of Kamber

Last night we went to Ethan and Jenn's to celebrate Kylie's birthday. She turns seven today and it is always fun to get everyone together and laugh and EAT. Notice that the Larsen's love to eat. Anyway, Jenn's Mom Madeline was there and we started talking about how we are coping with the death of our very active and darling granddaughter Kamber. She was saying that she was moving on but there isn't a day that goes by without thinking about her and wondering what she would look like and what she would be doing. I basically feel the same way and then we started talking about some of our last memories of her. Madeline reminded me of when we attended the blessing of Brookie and how Kamber wouldn't be reverent, then I told her about one of my last memories. I remember that I had made her a new quilt, her baby one was getting a little nasty looking. Jenn was trying to put her in her car seat so she took the new blanket and moved it so she could buckle her in. Well, Kamber didn't quite appreciate her taking her "blankey" away. People that know me well know that I love to quilt. I'm not a master quilter, but I love to piece fabric together and see what I get when it's finished. I started quilting when I was pregnant with Mindi and getting fat and bored with Rich working all day and me being alone most of the time. I have made so many blankets I couldn't even guess how many. I have been quilting lately and have made about four in the last couple of weeks. Every time I work on one I think about Kamber and her love of quilts. Of all my grandchildren, I think she loved them the most. I have been told I should make them and sell them. My quilts are a labor of love for those I give them to and I could never make a profit on them because people wouldn't pay enough to make it worth selling them. I just do it for the love of it and the love I feel for those I give them to.

E.S.P.

My Mother-In-Law used to tell me that she had ESP. I would just roll my eyes and think, "yeh, sure you do." Anyway, I think I have picked it up from her because lately I think I have E.S.P. too. The last few weeks I have had this feeling that I'm going to get stung by a scorpion. I have been so careful to watch where I'm walking and when I lift something off the ground I make sure to shake it out in case one of those nasty little creatures is lurking around. Anyway, last night I was getting dressed to go to an open house of a missionary in our ward, I pulled my jeans off the chair and put them on. As I got them half way up I felt a pain in the side of my leg. It was intense and felt like a hundred little needles were poking and then it went tingly and numb. I pulled my pants off and yelled at Rich that I had been stung by a scorpion. He came running in and turned my pants inside out and shook them but found nothing. Now I'm thinking that maybe I'm hallucinating, but I've been stung before and you never forget what it feels like. We went on to the open house but by then my leg was throbbing and so painful I could hardly walk. We came home and I put everything on it I could think of. I tried ice, benedryl, lavender oil, I even mixed baking soda and water into a paste. Nothing was helping so I just took a bunch of Tylenol and Motrin and tried to get some sleep. I barely got a few hours rest and it wasn't until this afternoon that the numbness and pain have subsided. I hate scorpions, we have had them in every house we have lived in here in Arizona. I used to feel sorry for them when I found them in my house I would take them out to the end of our street and let them go, but no more. From now on I will smash them and flush them down the toilet. I need to work more on my E.S.P. so next time I will know where they are hiding.

Thankful for a Workaholic

I am embarrassed to say that I have done my fair share of complaining about being married to a workaholic. I have blamed that for everything from my weight problem to my anxiety. If anyone knows Rich they soon understand that he loves to work. He loves to be busy doing something; anything. He is always trying to make this earth a better and prettier place. He is the one who plants the flowers in our front yard every year. He has helped many scouts get their Eagle Projects done even though he was never an Eagle Scout. (I think they need to give him an honorary Eagle for all the time and money he has donated.) Anyway, I was just outside working and realized how blessed I am to have a husband who enjoys working and is so generous. He has given away so much time and money it amazes me. I haven't always been nice about it but as our economy has gone to hell, I was just thinking how blessed I am to be married to someone who understands what it takes to keep us going. I think we are all being humbled and we need to get our lives in order because we don't have a clue how bad it will truly get before our economy rebounds. My attitude has changed, instead of resenting him for working all day Saturday, I'm grateful he has work. I still don't know if we can pull out of this hole and keep our business going, but I know Rich will do everything possible. In Primary this year the kids are singing a song in the program called "The Family Is of God." The second verse says, "A father's place is to preside, provide, to love and teach the gospel to his children. A father leads in family prayer to share their love for Father in Heaven." I hope my sons and sons-in law will realize how important it is to work hard in everything they do to be an example to their children. I haven't always appreciated all that Rich has done for me, but my eyes have been opened now.

The Best We Can Be

Once a month I go to an appointment where I work on myself. He usually asks me what I want to get out of our session together. The answer is usually, "joy, peace, acceptance or happiness." Yesterday was different. I said, "I want to be skinny." According to my Mother I was so small when born they couldn't find any shoes to fit my little feet. Now that I wear a size 11 I find that hard to believe. Even as a young child and in my teenage years I was bigger than all my friends. I wasn't fat, just very muscular and athletic. I have never been happy no matter what. As I think about it I became so sad that my whole life I have wanted to be something different than what I am. When I was going to ASU in one of my classes I remember the Professor saying, "The only way to guarantee a thin body is to choose your parents." Okay, then why didn't I choose skinny parents? (Well, my Mom is quite thin, but I guess us kids got the large genes from my Father's side.) As I have thought about it today I need to be thankful for my body and for my parents for giving me the best they had. I look at my kids and I'm thankful for the health they have. I know that if I were very petite Spencer wouldn't be in the NFL. I did the best I could with what I had to offer, years and years of DNA passed down from my ancestors who were pioneers and came across the plains and lived to tell about it. I do want to drop some lbs. and feel good about myself, but most of all I want to be happy with the person I am inside and out.

KARMA

Mindi wrote in a blog last week that I have often wondered why I would graduate from college to be a school teacher when I don't really like kids. That isn't really what I meant. I love kids. I especially love my own children and grandchildren. I just think I'm a little burned out. I was married only 10 months when I had my first child. I absolutely loved my little precious baby but with her came the "up all night syndrome." She would take a big nap between 5:00 & 10:00 p.m. and then when Rich went to bed I would be up "Wrestling Alligators" all night. As we added three more children to our family it became obvious that I was "way over my head" with four very active and LOUD children. I will say that they are my best friends and my life would not be the same without them, but I soon learned that I am not the most patient and tolerant person around. I was just reminded of this when Mindi left me with Troy while she went to the orthodontist and Hobby Lobby. Troy is a "darling" as my Mother would say, but talk about demanding and stubborn, not to mention the constant whining. He wins the award for that. He came bringing me a bag of animal graham crackers that hadn't been opened yet. I tried to get him to have some lunch, but that went over like a lead balloon. Then he wanted some "nunyuk" when translated means chocolate milk. I got a sippy cup out of the cabinet and made him a nice big cup of it and handed it to him and he started yelling at me again because he didn't like the cup I put his milk in. By then I was almost in tears and hoping Mindi would get home soon. She came in and made him some chicken nuggets and he didn't quite appreciate that they were hot and wanted her to blow on them for him. All I heard her say is, "You are such a brat." See it's not just me, maybe she is "in over her head too." Anyway, all I can say to my children is I'm a true believer in karma. What you throw out there seems to come right back at you.

"Bump In The Road"

Yesterday was suppose to be an exciting day. It was opening day for the NFL and Spencer was in Cincinnati to play the Bengals. I got up early and got the animals fed and watched "Music and the Spoken Word," then hit the showers. I wanted to be ready to sit and watch the game before going to church at 12:30 p.m. Just as the game came on and kickoff was announced my phone rang. As I looked at the number it was Spencer's cell number. I went in to Rich and said, "something weird just happened, Spencer's number came up and then hung up." He was now watching the game and we didn't see Spencer on the special team play. Just then the phone rang again and this time it was from a number we didn't recognize. It was Spencer telling us that he had an unfortunate slip in the locker room and hurt his shoulder. He wouldn't be playing and he wanted to let us know that we wouldn't be seeing him during the game and didn't want us to worry. To say that Rich and I were disappointed would be an understatement. We watched the game until we had to leave for church and then went to our meetings. As I sat in church I just couldn't believe this was happening. He's worked so hard and put so much effort in making the team and then he gets hurt before the game even starts. What in the he*$ is going on? Anyway, as we talked to Annie during the day and then Spencer last night and today, what can we do about it? He seems to be upbeat and doing well. He has had injuries before that he has had to overcome. He will survive. As Rich and I went to bed last night we talked about what had happened during the day. I said, "After losing Kamber, this adversity doesn't even compare, I know what hell is." He said, "We just have to look at it as if he got hurt at work." Life isn't fair. I had someone tell me once that the first four letters of FAIRYTALE is Fair. As Rich always says, "this is just another bump in the road." I hate it when he says that!

9-11-2001 / 7-25-2008

I can't believe it's been eight years since the terrorist attacks on the twin towers and the Pentagon happened. I will never forget that morning Rich calling me and asking me if I was watching t.v. to see what was going on. I had just gotten started with my chores and when he told me that a plane had hit a building, I remember asking him if anyone was hurt. I don't think I could wrap my brain around the enormity of what we would see on the news for a long time. I was thinking this morning about all that has happened since September 11, 2001. All of our children have gotten married. Spencer served a mission in Chile for two years during that time, and we have had nine more grandchildren born. As I watched the family members of the victims of the attacks read their names off at Ground Zero and put flowers in the water there, it reminded me of how hard it has been this last year to accept the fact that one of our precious family members is no longer with us. I think I know how they feel now. I remember listening to the testimony of a sister in our ward talk about the daughter they had who had drowned in a boating accident 12 years earlier and thinking, "you need to get over it, it's been a long time." Well, you know, I don't think we will ever get over the death of Kamber. It may get a little easier, but we will never forget her or long to see what would have happened if she hadn't been taken home. I think we take life for granted and think tragedies like this won't happen to us. I'm not comparing the 3,000 plus lives lost on 9-11 to the one life we lost. But I do know that every person matters to our Heavenly Father and that he loves us all. We don't know what we will be asked to experience during our time here on earth, but I think we need to make the most of it by living the gospel like we have been asked to do. That will be the only way we will be able to make it back to see Kamber. I hope as a family we can keep plugging along like the families I saw this morning whose lives changed forever eight years ago.

"Noble and Great One"

I went to a funeral this morning of one of the "noble and great ones." He was a convert to the church but was a Bishop, Stake President, Mission President, Area President, in the Temple Presidency and Patriarch. As we went into the church we saw so many friends from our ward in Scottsdale. We had so much fun visiting with people I haven't seen in years. As I was sitting with a friend of mine who works at the Temple, she turned to me and said, "don't you think this is how it's going to be on the other side?" Everyone is so happy to see each other." It was weird because it wasn't sad for me. I didn't see anyone with tissue or anyone very emotional. I have been thinking about that all day. Why wasn't it sad? As the day has gone on I have become a little despondent. I almost feel jealous of this man that his mission on this earth is over. He has returned home after living his life the best he could. Serving in all the callings that he was asked to and doing them well. I started thinking about what my funeral would be like. What would people say about me? She was a visiting teacher and primary worker. She was a mother and grandmother. She loved her family and animals. Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter what callings we have. It doesn't matter what our job was or how much money and earthly possessions we accumulated. I guess all that matters is that we "stayed in the gospel game" no matter how hard it got. No matter what our trials were. We continued to be faithful and do all we could to try and be like the Savior. I know that President Lyons still lives. I know he will be united with his family some day. I know he blessed my life by being my Bishop. He was a good example to all who crossed his path and by knowing him it made me a better person.

"Things Will Work Out"

I was complaining to my Mom the other day about all that is wrong in my life. I know that doesn't sound like me the "eternal optimist," but anyway I was. I was telling her about all my stories of "woe", how the economy sucks, my hip still hurts, we never have enough money to pay bills and fix my flooded bedroom. I was even complaining about the da%* gopher who keeps digging next to my pond and making it a muddy mess. She listened to me vent and cuss and then said, "Teri, keep doing all you can do to stay close to the Lord and things will work out." I hate it when she says that. I know she's right but I still hate hearing it. Then she went on to tell me about how it was during the "great depression" and how the pioneers had it so rough when they were all coming across the plains. She had a rough childhood because her father was ill and they traveled from family to family for help while my grandmother tried to find work to support them. She then told me to look at all the blessings I have. Me being the brat I am I said, "what blessings?" I have really felt bad about saying that. It was just one of those moods I was in where I couldn't find anything good at that time. She reminded me of my "darling children and grandchildren," and how Spencer had not only made the team again but he didn't get injured. Yeah, that's really a big blessing! Anyway, after we talked for a few minutes I realized how ungrateful I was. I still have a home to keep in from the heat. Rich still does have some work.
We haven't lost everything like some families have. We aren't going through a major illness or tragedy like the summer of 2008. I'm still trying to work on the positive thinking project, now that will be a miracle if that ever happens. Anyway, I am thankful for all those things she pointed out to me and I will try to be more obediant and close to the Lord, then I will see the blessings showered from heaven on me and "things will work out."

Thankful for Relief Society

Sundays seem to be one of the hardest days for me. At times I feel like I would rather stay home and be depressed than go to church and put on a happy face. Yesterday we had our Visiting Teaching Conference in Relief Society so we didn't have to go to Primary. It was a good meeting and at the end a sister read this cute story. It touched me so I asked her for a copy. It says; "Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing. If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her. As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell. Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to see." I know at times I have been the blind horse, but I hope I will be the guide horse helping others someday.

Trying to Find Happiness

It was nice to wake up this morning and see the clouds, thunder and rain. This summer has been a really hard one for me. It seems like the older I get the hotter the summers feel. I used to be a sun worshipper but now I hate the sun and the oppressive heat that goes along with it. Every summer I say, "next summer I'm going away," but that never seems to happen. The problem with having a big house on two acres of land and animals is it is sooooo hard to leave. There is always something to water, feed or try and keep alive. It also seems like as you age things don't seem that important anymore. I got a call on Thursday that a person very dear to my family had passed away. He was my Bishop when I was growing up and in the Stake Presidency when I got married. He gave me my first temple recommend in 1976. He was a darling man who had been taking care of his wife who has been really ill. It's hard when you lose someone close to you because when others pass away you know how the family is feeling. You can relate to them. It seems like lately there are lots of families going through really hard trials and many family members called home. It's hard to not get discouraged when you watch the news and the economy is so bad and people are losing their jobs and homes. I was reading my little book,"You Can be Happy No Matter What," this morning and he says that "happiness is a state of mind, not a set of circumstances." I guess I won't ever be happy because it's hard to get my mind right. Abraham Lincoln said, "People are just about happy as they make up their minds to be." I have a feeling it's going to be a long hard life for me. I need to find a way to make my mind up to be happy. I guess I'm just not trying hard enough.

Call Me Crazy

This is at Cardinals stadium last year when they played here, so I did get to go to one game.

Okay, I just realized that I am crazy. I have known for a long time that I'm "one french fry short" of a Happy Meal, "both oars aren't in the water" and all the other things we say when we think someone "isn't all there." This morning at 5:00 a.m. my doorbell rang. Then the dogs started barking. I was really tired and had been up a few times in the night, so at that time I was in a deep sleep and dreaming. I don't know where I was or what I was doing in my dream, I just know I was in a good place. Everyone knows that my son Spencer plays for the Denver Broncos in the NFL. They have a game tonight against the wonderful Arizona Cardinals in Denver. So, Rich, Dave and Trace just left to go to the airport for the game. This is why the doorbell rang at 5:00 a.m. because Rich has to get his workers lined out before he leaves. Now, because I am afraid to fly and we can't afford to take the time and money to drive 15 hours to Denver, I get to stay home and watch the game on t.v. The doctors have suggested and offered to drug me so when I get on the plane I won't "freak out", but I have always worried that maybe I would wet my pants or do something else that would embarrass me or my family so, I just stay home and resent everyone else who goes to the game. I told you I'm crazy! We have a joke in our family that when Rich goes on a trip it is not a vacation it is an "Amazing Race." The thought of getting on an airplane at 7:00 a.m. flying to Denver, running around all day, going to the game, sleeping a few hours tonight and then back to the airport tomorrow and flying home just isn't that appealing to me. Maybe 35 years ago when I wasn't so sleep deprived and didn't have a care in the world. My goal is to someday be able to make it to a game and watch my son in person play in a football game, maybe my dreams will come true someday. But for now I will just stay home and resent everyone who made the trip to Denver this morning. Now, if I can just find that guy who rang my doorbell at 5:00 a.m. I told you I was crazy.

The Salvation of Little Children

My Mom called me this morning and said "I want to read you something from the scriptures." She then went on to read me some verses from the "Doctrine and Covenants." I guess a Mom knows when her children are struggling and I appreciate her kindness. When we hung up I went in the office and pulled out my book "Teaching of the Presidents Joseph F. Smith." There I found the answers to most of my questions about what happens when young children die. He was the sixth President of the church from 1901-1918. He was the son of Hyrum Smith who was killed with the Prophet Joseph Smith in Carthage Jail. He buried nine little children between 1869 and 1898. I cannot believe anyone could survive the deaths of nine children. I loved some of the quotes he says: "The spirits of our children are immortal before they come to us and their spirits, after bodily death, are like they were before they came. They are as they would have appeared if they had lived in the flesh, to grow to maturity, or to develop their physical bodies to the full stature of their spirits." He then goes on to say that "If you see one of your children that has passed away it may appear to you in the form in which you would recognize it, the form of childhood; but if it came to you as a messenger bearing some important truth, it would perhaps come as a full grown person." I have often thought that even if I could I wouldn't want to bring Kamber back. She is in a good place. I know she is happy and away from the evils of this world. That doesn't mean that I don't mourn her loss everyday and miss the heck out of her. I know that Ethan and Jenn will be able to raise her and that we will be with her again. President Smith says, "The Lord truly knows best and we know that the innocents who have been recalled from earth, so soon after their coming untainted by the sordid elements of the fallen world return to HIM from whom they came, pure and holy, redeemed from the foundation, by the sacrifice of one who said "of such is the kingdom of heaven." I hope we will be worthy to join Kamber someday.

Busy Week

This has been a busy and stressful week. Rich and Dave spent the weekend in Seattle watching Spencer play the Seahawks and touring around Anacortes in Washington. That left Mindi and I to do the Kids and Church by ourselves. She commented that she didn't know how single Moms do it. Rich was behind at work because of his traveling so we didn't see him much during the week. On Wednesday evening they had a ward "cookies and milk" social with the old bishopric and that was fun. The ward gave him a book and a card with lots of nice comments written by ward members. It doesn't seem like much has changed, he still isn't home so I wonder how he was able to do all he got done during those five years while serving. On Thursday it was Dally Dogs birthday. He is Candi's "second child," we are hoping he will someday say a few words so he won't have to scream all the time. He is so cute and so loving but I know he drives her crazy at times. She isn't the most patient person around. The party didn't seem right for me because someone was missing. Well, actually there were several people missing from our family, but one who I think the world of. One that I love dearly and sad to see struggle. As a Mom we try to make our children happy and take away their pain and sorrows. We try to protect them from getting hurt or being unhappy. Sometimes though, we have to stand by and watch them suffer. As a parent that is the worst place to be. I hate it. I do know that we can't control what happens to us or the trials we will be asked to go through. I do know that the only person who can help us through these hard times is the Savior. I know he loves us and wants us to be happy. I wish I could take away the pain but that's not my place. I hope at sometime in my lifetime I will be able to understand "why," and be at peace with it.

"THOUGHTS"

Growing up I hated to read. My sister even wrote a paper on how I hadn't read anything harder than a little book called, "Walter the Lazy Mouse." After I had my miscarriage, and fell in that "black hole" called anxiety and depression, I started reading everything I could get my hands on to try and fix the problem. When you add in all the books on PMS and "How to Get Along With a Man" books, I have read a lot of books. I've been reading a book called "You Can Be HAPPY No Matter What." I have had it for a few years but until I fell in the toilet (black hole) last week I never read it. It seems like everything I have been reading lately talks about "controlling our thoughts." He says that every negative feeling is a direct result of our thoughts. "The only way a thought, or series of thoughts, can harm you is if you give them significance. If you don't, they have no power to hurt you without your consent, you will retain power over your life." He then goes on to talk about living in the "NOW". "When our thinking is right and we can live in the present, we can keep our minds from spinning forward toward worries and concerns- or backwards toward regrets and past hurts." This is so hard for me. I live most of my life in the future worrying about everything I need to do, or in the past about everything I didn't do. I know our thoughts are important because they even talk about it in the scriptures. In Mosiah 4:30 it says, "If ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish." "WOW" if I don't start controlling my thoughts I will perish. That is pretty strong. For someone who has been labeled the "most negative person on the planet." I have lots of work to do on controlling my thoughts. I have a feeling it is going to take me a long time but I will work on it a day at a time.

3 ACT PLAY

Sundays are not a day of rest for me. They also are hard because it is a time to reflect on life. Rich and Dave went to Seattle to watch Spencer play and Mindi and I stayed home with the kids. Tristyn had a volleyball tournament on Saturday and we were busy all day cleaning and doing laundry. We then watched the game last night with friends. This morning as I was getting ready for church I turned on the BYU channel and was listening to a talk given on how to know what is in your teenagers head. I don't have any children at home anymore but what he said applied to all of us. He was talking about how our lives are like a 3 Act Play. The first act is our premortal life, the second is our earthly life and then the third act is after we die. He said that because of our choices we made in the first act we were sent to earth. It is here where we experience tests, trials, temptations and tragedy. There are no "Happily Ever After" until we go on to Act 3. He then said that we can't take the trials we have in our life and let that define who and what we are. I know that since Kamber passed away it seems like there is so much sadness going on around us. I'm sure there was even before last July, but because of our filter on life, it seems like we relate more to it. Maybe that's the way life is suppose to be. We have experiences that then make us more able to have sympathy and empathy for others. I hope I can become a better person because of my trials. It's hard to not feel self pity and wonder "why me?"Grief is are weird thing, you never know when it will rear it's ugly head. All I know is that the sun will come up tomorrow.

"Groundhog Day"

"This afternoon as Mindi and I were coming home from running errands I said, "You know, sometimes I just want to go away for a while and think about my life and try and figure out what changes I could make to be happier." At times I feel like I've spent the prime of my life taking care of everyone and everything around me. I'm so tired of the same old thing day after day. I feel like I'm in the movie "Groundhog Day," where everyday he wakes up to the same song on the radio and the same things over and over again. I know I need to change my thought process because when I really sit and think about all my blessings I can't help feeling grateful for all the blessings in my life. The last year has been hard, but I have survived something I never thought possible. I have felt the love of friends and family that I will never forget. I have grown spiritually and emotionally. I'm so very proud of my children and grandchildren and the love they have for each other. I asked a friend of mine "if our Heavenly Father knows everything about us, and knows what we are going to do in any situation, why do we even need to be here on this earth?" He said, " Yes, He does know everything about us, but we need to prove to ourselves what choices we will make." Of course we do. We have hundreds of choices to make each and everyday. We also need to realize that our days are made up of all our thoughts whether they are good or evil. I know my negative thoughts get me in to trouble all the time. Life is hard, but I know it could be a lot worse. We never know what trials will be asked of us, what sacrifices we will have to make. All I know is that I want to be with Kamber wherever she is. That's going to take lots of work to get there. I hope I'm up for the challenge.

Deliver Me From Bondage

Before Spencer left for training camp he gave me his little lecture on how to be happier. We decided that I was in bondage and that maybe I should work on that aspect of my life. Everyone that knows me understands my love of animals. It started as a young child, I probably took care of the animals in heaven. My parents were both school teachers and my Dad grew up on a farm so they didn't let us have many animals. I remember having a big red cat named "Tom" and an occasional dog, but it wasn't until I was a junior in high school that I was able to get a pet of my own. So, when I got married I decided I would get every animal I could. I have had goats, sheep, chickens, pot bellied pigs, dogs, cats, rabbits, birds, turtles and fish. At one time I was going to get a cow but Rich said "sure we could get a cow but we will have to eat it." That put a damper on that idea. Anyway, after fighting with Rich for 30 + years, and listening to my children's constant complaining I have decided that I am an animal hoarder and I need to fix this problem. So, thanks to Mindi we have been getting rid of all the animals we don't LOVE by selling them or giving them away. We have gotten rid of all my birds, her gecko lizard and two of my aquariums. We also thinned our sulcatata tortoise herd. I hope it makes my life easier and I can spend more time doing the things I enjoy. I'm still trying to figure out what I would really like to do. Maybe I should start traveling, I love to fly and I love driving that much more! Ha Ha

Refiners Fire

I have been thinking a lot lately of something that was told me when Kamber passed away. We were warned that in families where a young child dies the divorce rate is as high as 80%. For the last year that has bothered me. Why at a time of such sadness and stress would parents "call it quits" instead of staying in and fighting for the sake of their family? I can see now why it is so hard to stay together. At times during this year I have thought, Ethan and Jenn are doing so well, why are Rich and I having such a hard time "keeping it together?" I have even thought that maybe it would skip the parents and just move on to the grandparents. Rich and I met on Labor Day weekend in 1975 when he returned from his mission. We had been writing to each other for about a year before we met. He was my brother's missionary companion so I didn't know him before his mission. He was from a small town in Utah and I was a city girl from Scottsdale. We had an instant attraction and were married seven months later. We had our first baby 10 months later in Feb. 1977. Three more children joined our family in June 1979, April 1981, and March of 1984. It has been thirty-three years together and that just blows my mind sometimes. How can two people who are so opposite in so many areas stay together that long without killing each other? I was sitting in church thinking about this yesterday and wondering why would Heavenly Father command us to get married and have children when it is so hard? Then I remembered what a friend of mine said when I asked him the same question. "Because that is the refiners fire." Rich and I are both VERY strong personalities and are passionate about our beliefs. We take our marriage covenants very seriously and would never do anything to jeopardise our membership in the church. As hard as this last year has been, I have a deeper love for him and a yearning to be with him and Kamber on the other side. Being married is hard and raising children is a challenge but I hope and pray it will be worth it on the other side. I wouldn't want to go through this journey with anyone else but who I chose 33 years ago.

Morning Ritual

About 20 years ago when I was a young mother I decided that after my children left for school in the morning, I would take 30 minutes from 8:30 -9:00 a.m. to read my scriptures and write in my journal. It was a rough time for me. I had suffered a miscarriage and then kind of a nervous breakdown from the stress of four young children, a large house on an acre of land, a husband that was never home due to work and church responsibilities and other physical problems.
Last week as I was back in that dark abyss of my life, I decided to start my morning ritual again and see if maybe I could get some relief. I picked up the scriptures and then started reading a book a friend of mine gave me for my birthday in May. It is written by President Hinkley's daughter Virginia Pearce called "A Heart Like His." I just finished it this morning so I felt a need to write a little bit about what I learned or felt from this little book. She talks about filling our heart up with the love of God and then opening up our hearts to others. I know that for a lot of times in my life I have had a hard heart, a sad heart, an angry heart, and sometimes a cold heart. After Kamber passed away I would have to say I had a broken heart that I'm still in the process of mending. The very last paragraph of her book she tells us how important it is to be filled with the love of Christ. She says, " It doesn't just make life nicer or more pleasant and comfortable. Being filled with the love of God actually changes everything because it has the power to completely change us inside. You seen, over time, it changes us from the natural man into a true son or daughter of God, a sanctified being-one who has finally become like Him. And that's what we're here on earth to do-to become like Him and help other do the same." That is what I want for me and for all my family and friends to have a heart like His.

In A Funk

I have wanted to blog for the last few days but I've been in such a funk I felt it better I didn't spew my venom on everyone. I hate getting in these moods where you feel sad, discouraged, depressed and just plain "worn out" physically, mentally and emotionally. This week has been busy with three birthdays a lake trip and two baby showers. I missed a bridal shower last Saturday because I didn't get her gift finished and Mindi went out of town. Anyway, I just got off the phone with my parents, my Mom calls me everyday, sometimes three or four times a day. She always asks, "What's going on over there?" My answer is always the same, "nothing." She knows the drill, feeding animals in the morning, doing laundry, making beds, washing dishes, the same thing I've been doing for thirty-three years now. My Dad got on the phone when he could tell my Mom was trying to cheer me up and asked what my problem was. As I told him how discouraged I was he told me of a story about when his stepfather died. His cousin came over bringing apples for him. When my grandmother told him he had passed away, the cousin said, "Oh heck, I guess I will just go home and pout." We had a good laugh and then I said, "well maybe I will just go in my room and pout. I think having a "sunny disposition" is a spiritual gift. I want to be one of them but that's not my personality. I know people who have had terrible trials in their life who always have a smile on their face and a kind word. I admire them. My maternal grandmother Fern Turley was one of those people. I never saw her down. She had to work her whole life to provide for her family because her husband was sick. She never complained and I was never with her that she wasn't telling me how wonderful I was and how I could do anything I put my mind to. My mom is like that too. She reminded me of a saying my grandmother always said when someone was discouraged, "Get Up and Dust." So on we go through another day of household chores and running errands. As I look around my house it does look pretty dusty, so maybe that will make me feel better.

Family Night at the Lake

Can I just tell you for a long time now I have felt "left behind". It seems like everyone else I know has a life but me. Most of it is self induced but I still feel it. Everyone has gotten to go on vacation this summer but me. My kids make it a priority to get away to the beach or the mountains or to the lake, but I stay home and keep the house and animals alive. On Sunday they called Rich and told him the annual youth lake activity was planned for this Saturday and they needed him to take our boat. I can honestly say I was pissed off. I even told a guy in our ward that I haven't even been on the boat in a couple of years. I was getting more and more irritated as the day went on. To be honest with you, I spend most of my waking hours irritated at someone or something. Last week Rich had told us at dinner that we needed to go to the lake before we run out of summer and that maybe Monday would be a good day. So we made sure the boat was still in one piece, after Ethan had it at Lake Powell and went. It was 115 degrees when we finally got loaded and gassed up and we got on the lake at about 5:00 p.m. We had to get the kids in life jackets and that was a chore. We had Mindi's four kids and Ethan's two older girls. Rich handed Mindi a life jacket for Troy it was the right size but it was Dora the Explorer, and it was Kamber's. I just couldn't be okay with that so she put a different one on him. We found a cute red and yellow one that looked more like a boy anyway. We took off across Canyon Lake and went back into some of the channels and let the kids jump in and swim to get cooled off while Rich and Mindi blew up our big tube. We spent the rest of the time pulling the kids around the lake until it was almost dark and we stopped and ate. The kids were so good, even Troy rode on the tube and jumped off the boat into the lake. Rich pulled them around until it started getting dark and we came home. I wouldn't call it a vacation, but it was a change of pace. We are hoping to go up next Monday and take Candi and B.J. and their kids. That will be two summer activities for me. Ye Ha!

Clash of the Titans

I remember when my kids were growing up there was a movie called "Clash of the Titans." I asked Mindi the other day if she remembered what it was about but she doesn't. Anyway, on Thurs. Mindi got a call from a guy that needed a home for another huge tortoise. We started our little hobby by buying 4 hatch lings five years ago, but our herd has grown to ten now. So on Friday morning we went on a trip to the Johnson Ranch area to pick up this dinosaur. It took us 45 minutes to get there and about that to get home. Tristyn and I decided on the way home we would call him "Big Miles" after the mascot for the Denver Broncos. Anyway, all was going well, we put him in the back yard and Mindi got ready and left to go to Moser Mountain. I took the opportunity to take a nap while it was quiet and then went out to feed the animals at about 6:00 p.m. When I got out things were going fine until my other big tortoise "Big Boy" got a glimpse of the other guy and the fight was on. They were going at it for about an hour and the new one was getting his butt kicked. I had to turn him over several times so I knew this wasn't a good idea to have them together. I think the bigger one would end up killing the new one. So here I am trying to break up a fight between two huge tortoises by myself. I was hoping Rich would come to my rescue and figure out a solution. I ran in the house and yelled at him to come help me. He came out and I showed him my problem. I know the last thing he wanted to do on a Friday night after a terrible week of work was to help me build an enclosure for a stupid tortoise. He was a good sport for about 5 minutes until I let the fencing hit him on the shin a few times and then he was pissed. Anyway, to make a long story short, we got a fence put up around the new guy and they have been fighting through the fence for the last two days. When Mindi gets home tonight maybe she and Dave can help me figure it out. I don't dare ask Rich to help because he already told me turtle soup sounded good to him.

Training Camp Memories

A few months ago I ran into a friend at the store and she said, "Hey what's it like to be the mother of an NFL football player?" I said, " It really isn't any different than it was before, I don't feel any different." I have been thinking about that the last few days as Spencer has reported to training camp with the Denver Broncos. How sad it is that I haven't found much joy in the hard work and success of my youngest child. As I was telling Rich this morning, the drowning death of Kamber has taken all the joy out of our lives for a year now. I think for the rest of my life I will associate "training camp" with the loss of Kamber. Last year on the very first day of camp Spencer got the awful news and the team flew him home. I remember sitting in Ethan and Jenn's house telling him how sad and broken hearted I was, all I could do was cry. He looked into my eyes and said, "Mom, these experiences make families strong." Well, I don't know about that, I do know they make families different. I look back a year ago and Annie was here with her family, she had a baby due at the end of August and Spencer was a rookie, they didn't even know if he would make the team or not. Their darling baby Gunnar was born a few hours after Kamber's funeral on Aug. 1st. The stress of all that was happening, made Annie go into labor early. We are so grateful and lucky that this little guy of theirs will turn one year-old tomorrow. To honor Kamber they named him Gunnar Kamb Larsen. I am so thankful for strong hard working children. Children with testimonies of the Savior, who teach their children the gospel. I know Kamber loves her family and wants us all to be happy. She is so lucky to have parents who have made covenants so she can be with them through the eternities. I hope this year as we watch Spencer play we can rejoice in our knowledge of life after death and know that some day we will be together as a family again.

In Memory of Kamber from Her Family

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Come Take Your Place

Okay I lied. I said in my last post I wasn't going to be depressed or sad but I guess not having a crystal ball I couldn't see the future. It started last night, the anticipation of how to deal with a day I will forever despise. Today is the first anniversary of Kamber's returning home to Heaven. I am flooded with memories of the day and the week following as we prepared for her funeral and burial. I had no idea how much time and talents it would take to organize her funeral. I remember Ethan and Rich working for hours on the casket because there wasn't anything good enough to put her in. It was beautiful and the craftsmanship was exquisite. Everything had to be perfect for her and it was. During that week family, friends and ward members were so helpful. They responded with food, cards, flowers and kind words. Those will never be forgotten. Jenn and Ethan had a video made for her viewing. There was one song that when I hear it makes me cry. It is a song by Hilary Weeks on a "Day of Praise" CD. The words are beautiful and everytime I hear it I think of Kamber. These are the words:

Can you hear it

Can you hear it

Angels are calling your name.

Do you feel it Do you feel it

Heaven is lighting a flame.

There's a voice in your heart

Whispering who you are.

Can you see it

Can you see it

Your place in the Father's design.

Are you ready

Are you ready

This is your season to shine.

There's a voice through the dark

Gathering noble hearts.

You carry the light of His Son

and running through your veins is royal blood.

You're the brave and the strong, you're the faithful.

You have been saved for this moment and time.

You hear the call

You feel the flame

You've been prepared

Come take your place.

Can you hear the angels calling you.

Do you recognize your name.

Can you see your part in His design

No one else can take your place.

There's a voice clear and strong

You're right where you belong,

You are the brave

You are the strong

You are the the faithful ones.

Now the hard part starts. Trying to be the kind of person that is good enough to see her again. I just don't know if I'm up for that. I know right now I'm a long ways out, but all I can do is try.

Spirit to Spirit

Everyone knows that for a year now I have been struggling with the death of our sweet grand-daughter Kamber. At times the grief has made me question my faith, my testimony, and even my very existence. Well, yesterday morning I had a wonderful experience. I had woken up early at 5:00 a.m. to use the bathroom. I usually can't go back to sleep but yesterday was different. As I lay sleeping I was visited by Kamber. I held her and played with her and talked to her for I don't know how long. She was so beautiful. She was so happy. I felt her love and her spirit. During this experience we went to different members of the family and saw them and then finally Mindi and Jenn came walking up and said, "where's Kamber?" As we went looking for her I remember being alarmed that we were getting irrigation and so I remember rushing outside to find her in the drive-way of Ethan and Jenn's house playing with the kids. I only saw the back of her head, her long blonde hair, but I knew it was her. I then woke up and just stayed in bed crying and praying and thanking Heavenly Father for the opportunity to spend some time with her. I remember on many occasions begging that I would be able to see her, to know that she was okay and to tell her how much I loved her. That prayer was answered yesterday. I am so thankful for that tender mercy. I have been dreading July 25th for a long time now, but my perspective has changed. I refuse to be depressed. I refuse to be sad. I know she lives and that she is more beautiful now than I remember and happier than I ever saw her on earth. I had a spirit to spirit experience that lifts my heart and strengthens my testimony of life after death. There were no words spoken but I felt the love of a child and know that only because of my Savior's love did he make it possible for me.

Are You Really There?

This last year has been a challenge (to say the least.) I feel like a broken record playing over and over again. At times I feel like it is all I can do to get up and make my bed and feed my animals, and with the heat it makes it that much more difficult. At times our family relationships feel like they have gotten stronger, but at others they have become more strained. We have the same issues over and over again. They never go away or work out. WE get stuck in the bad behavior.
The thought that has been going through my head for the last couple of weeks is the first sentence of a primary song, "A Child's Prayer." It starts, "Heavenly Father, are you really there? And do you hear and answer every child's prayer?" That pretty much somes up how I feel. Is Heavenly Father really there? Is he listening to my prayers? At times I just think he is deaf, or maybe he has too many other important things to do. Maybe I'm not worthy to receive an answer, or maybe there isn't an answer. Anyway, I have lots of blessings, I know it could be a lot worse. Who knows maybe it will. Life is hard and I don't like hard things. Maybe it's time to make some major changes. I know what I'm doing now isn't working for me, so maybe it's time to find a different game plan.

Middle of July

I can't believe it's already the middle of July, where has the summer gone? Before we know it school will be in and Spencer will be playing football again. I remember sitting in a desk at Coronado High School and watching the clock and thinking, "I'm never getting out of this place." That was 38 years ago. A week from tomorrow will be a year since our darling Kamber passed away. At times it has gone by slow but now I wonder how it could be a year already. When you go through a huge trial in your life, it changes who you are. I find myself looking at things differently than before. When I watch the news and hear about a drowning, a shooting, a body dumped by the road or any of the other crimes or accidents that happen, I feel so sorry for those people whose lives have been turned upside down. I have always felt lucky, or should I say felt blessed that our family has been protected. When I think of all the times my kids were doing stupid stuff, like jumping off the fence onto the trampoline, or jumping off the roof into a swimming pool, or romping their trucks in the desert, I wonder what the he#* were they thinking? How does any teenager live to become an adult? I was a super chicken growing up and I even did some dangerous things. Or should I say really stupid things.
I have been really angry at Heavenly Father for taking Kamber away from our family. It doesn't seem fair that her parents and sisters would have to live their lives without her. Life isn't fair! Some of the trials families deal with are beyond my ability to even imagine. I guess that is why we should be thankful for our own trials. I have told my parents on numerous occasions that I can't believe that in Heaven I told him I would come down and suffer the loss of a grandchild. Why would anyone agree to some of the stuff we have to go through? I think this is where the part comes in that we were so happy to come and get a body and have an earthly experience that we said we would go through anything, even these terrible trials. I hope as the years go by, it will be easier to accept that Kamber didn't need years and years here on earth. Her mission was accomplished in 2 1/2 short years. At times I yearn to hear her voice and feel her soft skin but I have faith that she knows how much I love her and miss her and she is aware of the suffering that is going on in our family. I hope she is proud of us and knows we are working hard to move on, to become better, to strengthen our testimonies and serve better. I know she is with our other family members like Grandma Fern, Tenna and Jenn's dad Leonard cheering us on and inspiring us to become united and happy. That is my hope for the next year, to find peace and love and know that nothing happens by accident. Our Heavenly Father is in charge and he loves us and knows what is best for us.

What am I to learn?

I had a good friend come up to me at church and tell me she read my blog and was sorry I was having such a bad time. I could see that she really did care about me and I appreciated her concern, but was embarrassed that my blog has become so depressing. I do look through the dark part of the glass (or the glass half empty) most of the time. I wish I were are bubbly happy person who scatters sunshine every where I go, but that's just not my nature. When I was about 7 years old we were in Springerville for our usual vacation to visit my grandparents. They had a log cabin and pigs and chickens. They also had a cool irrigation ditch in front of their house that we would dig in. My sister Mell, brother Lennie and I were in the ditch playing when my grandmother came running out of the house screaming that the house was on fire. My mother who had just come out of the house to tell us to be quiet because my little brother Ben, who was one at the time, was in taking a nap. When my mom realized that Ben was in the burning house, she and my sister went and broke the window with their fists and pulled him out. It was a miracle because Ben could walk and he wasn't asleep yet, he could have easily walked out of the room into the burning house and we would not have been able to save him. I just remember standing in the ditch saying "I am going to die" over and over. I remember a lady comforting me and saying, "you aren't going to die, you are safe." Through counseling I have realized that having that experience at a very young age has caused some of my fears, phobias and anxieties.

Since Kamber passed away I have gone through the gamete of emotions from extreme sorrow to being so angry I could hurt someone. The worst part of it is you never know which emotion you will have or what will trigger it.

Yesterday at church one of the talks really made sense to me. She said, "when you are going through trials you need to pray and ask, what am I to learn from this trial?" I have thought long and hard about that ever since and realized that I really haven't asked Heavenly Father that question. I have been too worried about how I feel and not about what I should learn from this. I do know that I felt the Holy Ghost stonger than I ever have in my life during that week between her death and the funeral. I know he is the comforter, and that my Heavenly Father loves me. He has allowed me to be the grandmother of an angel child. As hard as it is, it is also a great blessing to know she dwells with the "best of the best." I hope I will be worhty some day to live with her.

Can I Just Check Out?

Does anyone care if I just check out for the month of July and come back when August hits and the kids are back in school? That would be so nice if we could just go somewhere and escape all those challenges that come our way. I hate to complain because I have been called the "most negative person" on the planet, but I will anyway. When I listen to the news and they say we have an "extreme heat advisory" for the weekend and that our temps could be around 115 degrees, it makes me want to go find the nearest tunnel and climb in. I went swimming with my friend Paula last night, (okay it was more like walking around in a bathtub) because the water was almost 90 degrees, we had good conversation but I wouldn't call it refreshing.

Last Friday I went to Kohl's with Mindi to find some clothes for her kids to take to Willcox for the 4th. As we walked in I saw these darling red, white, and blue flip flops sitting on the counter. I told Mindi how much they reminded me of Kamber and I should buy them. Anyway, we walked the whole store and when we went to check out, the little shoes were still sitting there. I couldn't help myself so we bought them. Maybe Brookie can wear them next year. I never have loved the July-August part of the summer in Arizona but now I have a special reason to despise it. The anniversary of sweet Kamber going home to our Heavenly Father is rapidly approaching and I don't know how to feel or what to think. Part of me is so happy for her, I am almost jealous of the fact she was taken out of this wicked world, but the selfish part of me misses her daily. I know July 25th will come and go and we will survive it. That's the problem; I'm sure we will live to see another summer next year.

Summer Blues

Every year about this time I seem to go into a summer depression. I think it is probably what people who live in cold climates experience in the winter when they don't see the sun for months. It is just the opposite for me, I would give anything for a monsoon thunderstorm, or even some cool cloudy weather. I have lived in Arizona my whole life and every year I wonder, why do we live here? When the weather is nice I somehow accumulate a bunch of unwanted animals that people have bought and then realize how hard they are to take care of. Then when summer comes I worry constantly about how they are doing in the 110 degree heat. I have become one of those people, in April I bought a darling baby female Flemish giant rabbit. I have always wanted one because I felt like she would grow so big she wouldn't get out of the pen so the dogs could kill her. Anyway, when I got her the weather was beautiful and I was so happy to bring her home. Well, yesterday I realized that having a 20 pound rabbit caged up in the house wasn't that great. I had to keep her in the house because anything over about 80 degrees would kill her. Anyone who has raised rabbits know that they go to the bathroom A LOT and it isn't that pleasant of a smell. So after thinking about it all day, I called my friend Lisa who is a licensed animal rescuer and told her my situation. She said, "why don't you bring her over and I will work with her and see if I can litter box train her." We took her over to Lisa who is the kindest person I know when it comes to animals, she even has a kangaroo hopping around her house. She will either keep her or find her a new home, but as we drove home I realized that I had become one of those people I get upset with who buy animals and don't realize the commitment and then dump them on others. I don't know if it is because I'm old, tired or just plain sad about the passing of Kamber, but I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm tired of everyone going on vacation and me staying home taking care of all the animals. Most of it I have brought on myself but I am going to try really hard to simplify my life and just try and endure another sweltering summer in Arizona, who knows, we may even get a storm sometime.

Boring 4th of July

I remember as a kid how fun the 4th of July was. We would sometimes go up to the White Mountains to visit my father's family. The fireworks were great, the rodeo was fun with all the cowboys they even had a parade. As I got older I even took some friends up there for the country dances. When I married a country boy from Richfield Utah we would take our little family up there to visit friends and family in "Zion." They have a great thing going up there with the parade and then everyone would go to the park where they had booths set up for the kids to do fun activities. The fireworks were held at the park and they would light them off up on a mountain. It was so loud but we had a great time. I remember seeing all the little kids in Richfield would shoot off firecrackers and have sparklers, that was foreign to me because my Mother was such a worry wart she would never let us play with fireworks, (that is where we get our paranoia.)
This year was a sad 4th for me. All my kids went out of town. Mindi and Dave went to his hometown of beautiful Wilcox. Candi and B.J. took their boys to Huntington Beach to visit his family. Ethan and Jenn took their girls up to Eagar to stay in the cabin with friends in the cool. And Spencer and Annie went to a family reunion in Montana. Rich even left me on Thurs. and went up to the Havasupai Falls with the young men and leaders in our ward. He got home Friday night but can't hardly walk, just shuffle.
While my family has been gone I have had some time to reflect on my life. It just doesn't seem fair that as mothers we spend the prime of our lives raising children, giving them all we have to give and then in a "blink of and eye" they are gone. They have their own lives with their own families. I know that is Heavenly Fathers plan, but I still don't like it.
It's hard getting old. Yesterday I went shopping at the mall with my dear friend Marlene. Then Rich and I went to Scottsdale to have dinner at the Hometown Buffet with my 80 year-old parents, my sister Mell and her husband Larry, and my favorite cousin Barb Abney. I never thougth I would be spending my 4th of July at a buffet. It was fun and nice not to have to cook and clean but it wasn't the same.
I remember when my kids were young and driving me crazy, I so wished for them to be grown and on their own. I guess you need to be careful what you wish for because eventually it all comes true.

Life Changes

It seems like life is changing all the time, most of them are small and hardly noticed but some are huge and affect your whole perspective. Last week Rich was released as the 1st counselor in the Bishopric. It has been weird to have him home on Wednesday and now on Sunday to have him in the kitchen eating breakfast is so strange. He's probably hoping they hurry and give him a calling so he doesn't have me asking him to "fix this, and fix that" all the time.

We had a really nice day yesterday, it was busy, but fun. We attended our granddaughter Tayler's baptism at 2:00 p.m. and then over to Ethan and Jenn's for a luncheon. It was so good to get together with all our kids. With Spencer and Annie living in Denver we have lots of parties without part of our family there, so it was fun to have them all there. It gets really LOUD when we get in the same house and I noticed some of Ethan's friends plugging up their ears when Ethan, Candi, Mindi and Rich and I started going at it. We definitely have our opinions and like to share them with each other.

After the party for Tayler we came home and rested for an hour and then went over to the Choules home for a "release celebration". We had a nice dinner with the ex-bishopric and the ward clerk and executive secretary and their wives. After dinner they had a little conversation about the 5 + years together. There is a special bond between men when they work together in the Priesthood or other organizations in the church. They didn't always agree on everything but it is amazing to see how the different personalities and strengths work together. Five years is a long time to serve but the blessings we received during those years made it worth it.

One thing I have noticed lately is that "life goes on." I remember right after Kamber passed away I would look around at other people and think, "they don't know how bad I feel. They don't know that my heart is aching." Now it's been almost a year and even though I can remember it like it was yesterday, it just seems like a bad dream, like it didn't really happen. I guess because I know she lives, I know she is watching over her sisters and I could feel her spirit there yesterday as Tayler was baptized. I can't wait to see her again and hug her and tell her how much I missed her.

So Busy

I don't know if it's just because I'm getting old, but it seems like the days are just rolling on and on and I'm continually "out of control." I thought when I was a grandma and my children were all grown and gone I would have some time to relax, read and make quilts to pass the time. These days it seems like I'm lucky to be able to pull the quilt up on my bed every morning when I make it. I've been getting up really early the last couple of weeks, I think mainly to go out to feed my animals before the heat is on, but then I spend the rest of the day needing a nap.
Spencer and Annie and their kids got here safely yesterday from Denver. It's always fun to have them in town but I know they are pulled from family to family the whole time they are here, but we sure enjoy them. Spencer took me to the Reebock outlet at Arizona Mills yesterday to spend some money he gets from endorsements. It's always fun to shop when you don't have to pay for it and he is so generous with the family. Tayler is getting baptised today so I've already made my lemon cake and cut up fruit for her luncheon after the baptism. This will be our third grandchild to turn 8 years old, Kylie will be the next. As I was in my kitchen cutting up the melons I was thinking about how much I miss Kamber and everytime we have a family get together it feels like someone is missing. I hope eventually that will go away and we can just be happy that Kamber didn't need to go through this hard earthly life and suffer some of the trials we are asked to bear. As I look around the news and the people close to me there are lots of people that have real hard trials in their lives. It seems like every day there is another tragedy and it breaks my heart to hear about the suffering others are going through. I guess the key is to find the joy in the good that's going on and not dwelling on the bad. That's easier said than done, but maybe I should start looking for the positive. That's a novel idea, maybe I'll try it sometime.

Another Father's Day Down

Rich with Dallas at his birthday.

This was an interesting Father's Day. We usually go to church and listen to all the cute stories about fathers and how wonderful they are, but this year it was different. We had a great meeting, but nothing about fathers. The Stake Presidency was there to release the old Bishopric and call a new one. I love the new men called and I think they will be great, but there is always the "bitter sweet thing" going on. It was nice to have Rich back sitting with me during the meeting but there is some grieving going on also. It has been five long years since we sat together in church and it just didn't seem right. I know he hates sitting on the back row, but that is where I feel best, most relaxed and safe. People make fun of me because I always have to be on the back row by the door, but I really don't care. They need to get over it because I don't give a da#* where they sit.

Dad holding Brookie at the luncheon after Kamber's funeral

After church we had a really nice dinner, we only had Mindi and Dave and their kids, no one else wanted to come and Spencer and Annie are still in Denver. At 6:30 the extended family came and we had a bunch of people. Our house is just not big enough anymore for the combined Greer families, and half of them didn't even come. It is nice to send the kids down to Mindi's so the adults can visit. I am so blessed to have my Dad still living. About five years ago he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It is an aggressive cancer and the doctor gave him 18 months without treatment. I can't believe how well he is doing. He works in the Temple two nights a week and has a 5 acre corn patch and garden in the White Mountains. He plants a bunch of pumpkins for me and the kids for Halloween and brings home the corn stalks after the garden dries up. I can't believe how well he's doing at 80 years-old. I know there are lots of children that aren't lucky enough to have a father, and especially a father that is a faithful member of the church and honors his Priesthood. When I was growing up we didn't always see "eye to eye" but since we have both matured it has gotten lots better. I know he loves me and only wants the best for me.

I'm also lucky to have a husband who is a great father and strong member of the church with a huge testimony and heart to match. He honors his Priesthood also. He and my Dad grew up under similar circumstances and I think that is what attracted him to me. He is also a lot like my brother Lennie and that was a plus too. It seems like time is going by faster and faster, I guess that is a sign of old age. I hope we will be able to celebrate many more Father's Days with our husbands and fathers.

It Was Fun While It Lasted!

Well, the cat is out of the bag and the rumors are true, we will get a new Bishopric on Sunday. I think it is ironic that it will happen on Father's Day. As we met with the Stake Presidency last night we all felt a flood of emotions from humility to having been able to serve, to the sadness of moving on. I think we all feel like it would be selfish of us to stay any longer. There are men who need the opportunity to serve and dedicate the next five years to the members of the Gilbert 6th Ward. We absolutely love the people in our ward and appreciate all the love and support we have been given during these last five + years. The service that was rendered to us when our angel Kamber passed away last July meant so much to us and we will never forget it. We felt the prayers of our ward family and the love of our Heavenly Father stronger than we ever have before. We have prayed for you who are having trials and for all the families with missionaries who are out serving, We know what a sacrifice it is to send your 19 year-olds out into the wilderness to preach the gospel. We love you all and hope the new Bishopric will feel the same sustaining powers we have. As Rich said last night in our meeting, 'It's time for us to move on to the next village." Maybe we will even go on a vacation sometime soon, (don't count on it) but it sounded pretty good.

Sleepless in Gilbert

What a horrible night I had last night. I made the mistake of taking a nap yesterday afternoon after going swimming with the grandkids. Mondays are usually my day of rest because Sunday is always so busy with church and Sunday dinner. Anyway, I finally went to sleep at 11:30 p.m. and woke up at 1:30 a.m. with the feeling that I needed to lock my doors. I walked through my house and locked the doors and got a drink and went back to bed. I guess I had just enough sleep to not be tired (I'm sure the nap didn't help me), so I layed there and watched the clock go from 2:00 to 2:30 to 3:00 and so forth. I think I finally got back to sleep at 4:00 a.m. just as Rich was getting up to go to work. I'm too old to play that game. What is wrong with me? I have felt lately that the stress is mounting. We have had one thing after the other break down and now I'm sleeping in the guest room while my bedroom is torn up. I know July will be here before we know it and that is another worry. We have been having really nice weather but I know the hellish heat is coming. Rich tells me I'm the most negative person he has ever known, I guess he's right, but enough is enough. I need some sleep, not laying awake listening to the air conditioner all night. Well, I guess I will go in and try again, otherwise I will just watch the clock all night and worry about all I have to do with no sleep tomorrow.

Alone Time

This weekend has been really different for me. Mindi and Dave left Fiday afternoon to go to Pinedale to spend some time with the Moser family at Moser Mountain. I guess they have some land up there and the kids have fun playing with their cousins. Rich had to work on saturday so I was left here alone. My friend Marlene came over in the afternoon and we ate lunch and then I helped her make a baby quilt top. It was fun to have an adult to talk with and Marlene is fun to talk to.
This morning Rich left for Bishopric meetings at 7:00 a.m. and I was alone again until my friend Paula came to get me for church. Because I don't drive anymore and I don't even have a car, I depend on the kindness of others to move me from point A to point B. It felt really weird to have some alone time so I sat and watched "Music and the Spoken Word" on the BYU channel and then listened to a BYU Idaho devotional. The speaker was really good and he talked about how when we have adversity in our lives it changes the path and the direction we go. We learn things that we wouldn't have learned otherwise. Sometimes it just feels like we move from trial to trial, but I guess that is what gives us experiences to help us grow. If you would have told me a year ago what I would have to go through losing a grandchild and the pain, hurt, sadness and everything that comes with that, I think I would have just wanted to check out. As a family we have survived. We are coming up on a year and we are all still here. Life has a way of moving on. The sun keeps coming up and hopefully our testimonies are growing stronger. As we walk through the wilderness, I hope we are getting closer to the LIGHT.