Lunch With Sister and Aunt Sue

Yesterday my sister Mell and I went to lunch with our Aunt Sue Turley. She lives in Sacramento, California but is here for a couple of weeks visiting. She is always fun to talk to and just a little ball of energy. She is married to my Mother's only brother Carl Turley. She loves Mexican food so we went to Arribas out by the San Tan Mall. It was Monday and I don't do very well on Mondays but I got ready and off we went. By the time we got there I was having such bad anxiety I just wanted to lay down on the booth and take a nap. After ordering our food and trying to eat and enjoy it, I finally told them I was going to have to go out on the patio to finish eating. They were so nice and accommodating, but then I got ticked off. Why do I have to feel like this? Why do I have to constantly fight the feelings that I'm not safe, I'm going to pass out, or worse yet stand up and start yelling some bad words. We finished eating and came back to my house and talked about old times and tried to solve the worlds problems, or at least a few family ones. We didn't succeed solving anything but we did have a fun time.
I am just about finished with all my pre-operation tests. My blood work and x-rays all came out normal so I'm thankful for that. The problem is, I don't want to go through a painful operation. I sometimes feel like I'm standing against the wall and someone is asking me if I want to be shot in the head or in the chest. It is the same feeling I had before my hysterectomy, do you want to bleed to death or have surgery? At times in our lives we get to go through things that we don't want to do. I keep trying to tell myself that "I CAN DO HARD THINGS!", but sometimes I'm not that convinced that I can. I never wanted to have to bury a beautiful granddaughter, but I lived through that. At night when I can't sleep I think about all the things I have survived in my life. Childbirth, miscarriage, thyroid radiation twice, raising four teenagers, WOW that's a huge one. This is another one of those things I hate to have to do, but should be grateful that I have been given the opportunity to be healed. As I was telling my Aunt how afraid I am that maybe I will die during surgery she said, "Teri, look at it this way, if you die you won't even know it, you will just go join those on the other side that will be waiting for you." That is comforting to know, I have some very special people on the other side that I can't wait to see, but I would really miss all those on this side of the veil too. Anyway, for now I'm moving closer to that day when I can prove that I can survive something hard, this is when we become closer to the spirit and hopefully my prayers will be answered.