How Can Brookie Already Be Six?

Rich finally made it home from Ethiopia at 9 p.m. Saturday night. He had a wonderful trip and can't wait to go back. It has been nice to get a couple of good nights sleep and I can't believe how deep I slept and how vivid my dreams have been. I need to find a solution for my lack of sleep when he's gone because I'm sure this won't be the last time I'll be sleeping alone. Yesterday we went out to Ethan and Jenn's to celebrate Brookie's birthday. Her birthday isn't until Thursday the 3rd of April but Spencer has scheduled a flight for Ethan and Jenn to go to Boston for a visit, so they won't be here for her birthday. It's hard to believe that she will be six years old. She was only three months old when Kamber passed away, has it really been almost six years? Last time we all got together I forgot to take the card out of my computer so I made sure this time to take some pictures of the kids out playing. The cousins sure have fun when they get together. All the grand kids were there except the one in heaven and the other four in Boston. They are so special to me and each one of them are different but wonderful. I'm excited for Conference this weekend. I have some questions that need to be answered and I'm hoping to get some inspiration for myself. Yesterday in church they talked about the Atonement. One of the Bishopric talked about second chances in our lives. But sometimes we don't get a second chance to fix something that went terribly wrong, but I know the Atonement is suppose to cover all those disappointments and adversities. As I get older it seems like life becomes more complicated for me, hopefully I can get some answers to my questions listening to the talks this weekend.

Auction Over, Rich's Homecoming

A few weeks ago a friend in my ward asked if I could make a quilt for the Young Women's Auction that was held last night at the church. I wanted to make something kind of vintage because it seems like the girls are liking old fashioned things now. I decided to make a smaller version of the nine patch quilt I'm making to put on my bed and I think it turned out really cute. All week as I've spent hours finishing the binding and getting it ready, I've worried that no one would want to spend money for it. Sometimes in our culture we can be quite "frugal or tight" with our money, me included. So I had a plan to take some extra money to buy my own quilt back. Mindi said, "okay Mom, you are going to spend hours making a quilt and then pay money to buy it back?" Yes, that was my plan, if it didn't get enough bids at the right price, I was prepared to buy it back and give it to Tristyn who wants a new quilt for her bed. Luckily someone spent the money and bought it, so I am happy it's in a good home. Lately Mindi has gotten in to quilting and is making a quilt for Trulie out of M&M's material. It is really cute for her first quilt and I'm so happy one of my daughters will pass on that talent. So the auction is over and I'm cleaning like a mad person because Rich will be home tonight if he doesn't have any delays in his trip. He told the boys yesterday that in the next 29 hours he would either be in a plane or at an airport. That just sounds so dreadful to me, I hate flying and airports, so I hope he will be happy to get home. If not he may just want to move to Ethiopia and continue to volunteer and do more service. I haven't slept very much this last week so it will be good to get him home safe and sound.

Insomnia and Dog Fights

This week I've been trying to reevaluate my life. Sometimes I think what I'm doing isn't working or making me happy. It hasn't helped having my husband thousands of miles away doing service, when we have one big service project going on here at the home front. I hope he's enjoying his time away because it could get difficult when he gets home. I haven't had a good nights sleep since he left, and it's wearing me down. I had to be up early to get some blood drawn for some tests my doctor ordered two weeks ago and it seems like everyday is jammed packed with stuff that needs to get done, fed, cleaned or taken care of. Yesterday when I went out to feed the animals everything was going well until Mindi's little rescue dog decided to get up in Ozzie's face and start a fight. A ten pound dog versus an eighty pounder. I had just fed the fish and started in the house when the fight broke out, of course Armani ran to me for cover and Ozzie trying to kill him knocked me over. It's just a good thing I have so much padding on the front, or I could have broken something. I was lying on the sidewalk in the water while the dogs were going at it. I was yelling at Mindi to come rescue something and she finally heard my cries for help. By then I was crying and trying to get up but with the mud I just slipped until we finally figured it out. I have fallen a few times now since my hip replacement and of course the first thing Mindi asked me was if I hurt my hip. No, just my dignity and a few scratches and scrapes on my elbows and knees. This is where I'm thinking maybe I'm too old to be running a petting zoo. Hopefully these feelings of loneliness and anger will pass, I have three or more nights alone to get through. Maybe the doctor has some help for me tomorrow, I could sure use some help right now.

This is a hideous picture but someday I will laugh about it.

"I'm Lonely"

Every Tuesday and Wednesday nights my Mom works at the Mesa Temple. While she's gone my Dad sits in a dark house either reading a book or watching sports on the television. Last week when I called him I said, "Hi Dad how are you doing?" His answer was, "I'm lonely."  I felt so bad for him but at 85 years-old I think he's lucky to still be upright and taking nourishment. I have to admit that the first couple of days Rich was gone it was fun. No cooking, no laundry, or cleaning. I just enjoyed the peace and quiet and worked on my quilt I was asked to make for the Young Women's Auction this week. I was telling Mindi that even if Rich is in town he is never really home. He's always been busy running his business and doing church work. It's different when I know there isn't any way to get a hold of him. There is no telephone, just an email telling me what he did during the day. He says it is primitive and he wishes he could take all the grand kids to see how good they have it, but I don't ever see that happening. Ethiopia is a long, long ways away, I don't see him going back, but never say never. I have come a long way in the last few years. I used to not be able to stay in my room alone at night. I would lay awake all night listening to all the sounds and tell myself scary stories. I can honestly say I'm not awake because of anxiety, I just can't sleep. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's a sleep disorder, but just maybe "I'm just lonely." I'm trying to stay positive and not get myself into a full fledge depression because I have lots of shopping and sewing to do this week and I'm not going to stay in a dark house being sad. Besides, next week he will be back and even though he is back he will be too busy catching up to spend anytime at home anyways. So I'm going to really try and enjoy my nice quiet peaceful life and maybe even go and watch a little television with my Dad.

Rich and The Amazing Race

I made it through the first night alone and did pretty well. Only up one time and went right back to sleep. This week has been crazy and I had two really bad nights, one where I started chilling, again, and shook until I woke Rich up wondering if I needed to go to the hospital. An hour later I was running a high fever but made it through the night with the help of antibiotics and Tylenol. Then the night before he left I was awake most of the night worrying about his 6 a.m. departure for the "Amazing Race" he is running this next week. He was headed to Frankfurt, Germany last time I talked to him and I hope he made it there safely. Then he will be on his way to Saudi Arabia and then to Ethiopia. My sister and I were talking the other day about Rich's adventure. We were raised in a very conservative family with school teacher parents who couldn't afford a vacation nor did they want to go anywhere except to the White Mountains to visit family. It's not in our blood to travel the world, so I guess Rich found someone to fulfill that lifetime dream. One of the questions I'll be asking on the other side is why two people who are so different ended up getting married. I guess maybe "opposites do attract" but boy it's been hard. Anyway, today I am getting things done that were on his "Honey Do" list. I told him if they weren't done before he left I was hiring someone to do them, so he will be surprised when he gets home and finds out he has paid someone else to do his jobs. Oh Well, that's life when you are out saving the world.

Temple Sealing and Charleston's

Last night Rich and I attended a sealing in the new Gilbert Temple. It was the first time we have been in it since the open house and it is so pretty. The groom was one of Rich's young men and he home teaches their family. It was fun to be in a room full of friends and ward members. As I sat there waiting for the couple to come in, I kept looking at the chandelier. I tried counting all the little crystals but there was no way I was ever going to be able to do that. I felt nothing but peace and love. When the sealer started talking, it was so good to be reminded of the blessings of the Temple. After the sealing we got to look around a little bit at the art work. The paintings are beautiful and reminds me of why I love the desert so much. We rode with my brother Len and his wife Julie so we decided to go to dinner at Charleston's. I had the salad and baked potato soup that comes with a yummy croissant. Wow, my pants feel tighter already. Earlier in the day I had asked my brother to make sure Rich's affairs are in order, so he brought over our Wills to sign before he leaves. When I woke up at three o'clock this morning I couldn't go back to sleep. Something in the Will just wasn't right, so I called and got the changes made this morning. I have found in my life that those things that I truly worry about never happen, it's the blindsides that kill you. So, Rich will be off in two days for his trip to save the Ethiopians for a week. I hope he will get out of it what he hopes to. I don't sleep very well when I'm alone in the bed, so maybe I'll have to get one of the dogs to take his place, he'll never know anyway right?

New Blog, Ethiopia Trip for Rich

I've been trying to get time all weekend to write about my feelings, but sometimes I just have to be in the mood to put them down for posterity. Part of my Christmas present from Spencer and Annie was for them to pay to have someone design my blog. Annie's friend Becky is so talented and she was so kind to work on my blog. I wanted it to represent all that I love in life. Starting with my family, which is portrayed by the little girl holding a flower with a halo. Kamber represents my hope to be with my family when it's time for me to go to the other side. The golden retriever and rabbit represent the hours and hours of time and money I have spent over my life trying to make a difference in the world with my tender feeling for animals. Finally, the block square represents my love for sewing and making quilts for my family and friends. I'm not an expert, and my quilts aren't good enough to sell and make a profit, so I do it because I love those who I give them to and hope they will enjoy them and keep them warm. My life seems to be such a paradox. I can feel the opposite feelings about the same situation. Rich told me a couple of months ago about his desire to go to Ethiopia to do some service. Everyone knows of my fear of flying, so the thought of my husband being on a plane for twenty-seven hours has caused me some sleepless nights. The Malaysian Airlines plane missing has just made my anxiety worse. But I have learned after thirty-eight years of marriage that it really doesn't matter what I want or feel he will go ahead with his plans. So in four days he will be heading with a group of people to save the world, or a small part of it. I plan to sew, shop, rest and do anything and everything I want while he's gone. Then this summer while he's working in the 115 degree temps, I'll be sitting on the beach in California drinking a Pepsi and relaxing. I have learned in my almost sixty-one years that life is hard and complicated. I can't control anyone around me and I can't even control myself most of the time. I hope Rich makes it home safe and sound but I am going to make sure all his affairs are in order so if his plane disappears I will be prepared. He has faith he will make it back so that's all that matters now.

Physical Done

Yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor to do a physical. I worried all night about it and had anxiety on my way there. After they took all my health history the doctor came in and checked me over. Everything went really well and she didn't find anything suspicious. I told her about my last month of being sick and I guess there have been lots of patients with the same virus I had. When I was sitting in the waiting room there were two or three patients coughing the whole time I was there. I told her about how sore and dry my mouth has been. It seemed to have gotten worse since my oral surgery. Our family has a history of Autoimmune Diseases and my sister has been diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome which makes her eyes, mouth and joints dry up. It is really an annoying thing to have. I had convinced myself that I had it too and after she looked in my mouth she said, "your tongue is really red and your lips are cracking." YEH! "I told you I have such a dry mouth it feels like I'm walking through the desert all day." Anyway, she thinks my symptoms are because of all the antibiotics I took to get rid of the infection in my tooth and then again when I was sick. Hallelujah! She gave me a prescription where I swish and swallow some Nystatin and I'm finally getting some relief. I haven't had a very great self image my whole life, but yesterday when I left the doctor I had a new appreciation for this old body. It's been through a lot, but at sixty I'm so thankful to still be upright and being as productive as I am.

Quilting, Pet Sitting and Puppies

I have to say that a few times last week I was wondering to myself  "what the heck have I gotten myself into?" Sometimes life just seems to be a constant disappointment and irritation. The fog finally lifted yesterday. Mindi and I were out running errands when I said, "I wish I could just be happy. Things could be so much worse, like a terminal illness or a sick grandchild." Mindi then piped in and said "or you could have a loved one on a plane that is missing somewhere out in the ocean." I started thinking about the challenges I have in my life. I spent most of last month sick. I picked up some kind of bug that came and went all month. I was even in bed one day last week feeling terrible. I have an appointment tomorrow with the doctor for a physical, EEK! I hate being checked from stem to stern and worry about what they might find wrong with me. Usually it's just the same old thing, "lose weight and keep taking your thyroid medication." This week is spring break for the kids from school. It's fun having them home and now they are getting older they help a little bit around the house. I have decided to get some of my quilts finished that I've had for a couple of years and do some sewing. We also have a momma dog expecting puppies any minute. Her stomach feels like it's going to pop and she's full of milk so we are getting excited about watching her puppies born. Candi and B.J. took the kids to California to the beach, AHH, I wish I was with them, they did bring over their RAT for me to take care of, really? Who has a pet rat anyway? So this will be a busy week with quilting and pet sitting. Life could be a whole lot worse, gratitude sometimes leaves me, but hopefully I can get through this week and the rat will be alive when they come pick her up.

MY Baby Is Thirty

This morning when I woke up early, my mind  went back thirty years ago when my last baby was born March 4, 1984 at 5:04 a.m. It was a Sunday morning and the doctor urged me to get him here so he could get to a church meeting at 6:00 a.m. I was smarter with this fourth child when I told the nurses to keep him in the nursery and not give him any milk, just soy formula. I have to say being a Mom has taught me so many things. Taking care of kids when they are sick, hurt or unhappy is draining but so fulfilling. Spencer was so fun to raise. He came with a happy countenance and seemed to always obey and be respectful of his parents. Because he was three years younger than Ethan, I had three years where he was the only child home and we went shopping, out for lunch, and had lots of fun before he was old enough to join his siblings at school. We have had so much fun watching him play football from Pop Warner all the way to the NFL. He's easy to talk to and wise beyond his years. When I was a kid my little brother was seven years younger than me. He was really attached to my Mom and she protected him like a mother bear. I remember how my parents would kick me out of the rocking chair so Ben could sit in it and rock himself to sleep. Isn't that crazy that I'm still resentful of that all these years. Now as a mother I realize how that last baby is special, the baby, in every family there is that very last one to join your family. Anyway, I hope he has a nice day back in Boston. He is a good husband and father and has a deep testimony of Christ. I'm thankful to have been honored to be his mother.

"Once In a Lifetime Experience"

I just spent the last hour doing damage control here on the farm. We had over an inch of rain fall on Saturday night and that seems to cause chaos with my animals and fish ponds. Even though the cords are covered, my breaker always trips which causes my fish to die if I don't get some circulation going. I was lucky Ethan was here for a minute this morning to crawl under the wall and reset the GFI. I hate asking for help because then I have to listen to the lecture on "at what time are you going to realize you can't do this?" I try and do as much as I can by myself so I don't have to listen to their suggestions. We had a wonderful weekend with the Cultural Celebration and Dedication of the new Gilbert Temple. The poor kids had to perform in a downpour of rain. We have had temperatures in the 80's and no rain for 70 plus days, but for the celebration we had rain, lots of it. I had three grandchildren and many nieces and nephews participating. They have been practicing for months and I know the leaders and others in the wards and stakes have sacrificed so much time and talents for this celebration. When I went down to Mindi's to tell Tristyn and Trace how proud I was of them, they were both in the shower. They were freezing cold and poor Trace's fingers looked like he had been in water for days. Their attitudes were good and even though they had to perform in the rain, I could tell they had an amazing experience. Watching those 12,000 kids dancing and singing as the winds and rain pounded on them made me wonder what other adversities they will have in their lives. The show went on and I know those who watched couldn't have been more proud of these wonderful youth in this area. This is one of those "once in a lifetime" events that you can't deny the spirit or your testimony. I'm so proud of them for doing hard things, it will make them stronger I know.