True Meaning of Christmas

I can't believe it's already been a week since Thanksgiving. I have been slowly starting to pull Christmas decorations out but am having a hard time motivating myself to finish. My feeling for Christmas is changing as I get older. I love giving presents to my grand kids and  now that we have seventeen it has gotten a lot harder. I don't have the stamina I used to have when shopping at the mall and I seem to have to pace myself with how much walking I can do. Today Mindi and I went to a couple of stores at the Mall. Trulie was hungry so we went out into the mall to get her a pretzel, that was the closest food source. Anyway, as I was sitting there I saw an older man enjoying a pretzel by himself. I felt inspired to talk to him so I said "hi" and started a little conversation with him. He was using a walker to get around so I asked him what had happened, having had  a hip replacement and remembering how hard it was to get around with one. He was in his eighties and was wearing a blue hat that I think is one worn by someone who was in the military. As I continued with my conversation I learned that he had just gotten out of the hospital a while back after suffering a heart attack. His wife is in an assisted living facility because he can't take care of her anymore. She has lung cancer and dementia. I told him about my Dad who at the time was at MD Anderson having his 7th round of chemotherapy and how worried I was about him. As we said our goodbyes I was so thankful I had listened to the spirit and got to know this man. He was such a cheerful person with lots of challenges. As we walked away I told Mindi that I felt he just needed someone to talk to. The holidays are so hard for so many people I feel ashamed sometimes that I have as many blessings as I do. The true meaning of Christmas isn't about the presents and the material things in life. For me it's how we make others feel the love we have for them and for the Savior.

"Live in Such a Way"

I hate Mondays almost as much as I hate 8:00 a.m. church. I missed out on Black Friday and probably going to pass on Cyber Monday. I'm still trying to get my house back to normal and all my pumpkins put away, plus I've been working on a couple of baby quilts for two of the grand kids. Ethan's baby Reagan turns one tomorrow, so I'm trying to get her quilt done and presents wrapped. Yesterday morning I woke up with a sick stomach. I felt nauseous and hoped I wasn't getting sick. Rich got ready for church but it was already 7:15 before I started feeling like I was going to be alright, too late to get presentable. I hate missing church because I miss that time to reflect and try and feel the spirit. Anyway, as I was writing in my journal while everyone was at church, my thoughts went to my Grandma Fern. She was a special influence on me as a young child and she passed away while I was up at BYU in 1974. I have always felt sad that I never got to say goodbye to her. As I was thinking about her yesterday I had the thought, "I wish I could have just a few minutes to talk to her." She was always so happy and smiling, I don't think I ever saw her upset or sad. What would she tell me to do with my situation here on earth? Would she tell me I can do anything I want, and I would be able to handle any adversity I was given? She's been gone almost forty years now and I still feel her influence on me everyday. That got me thinking about my seventeen grandchildren and what legacy I'm passing on to them. Will they remember me as a gouchy old woman that walks like a penguin? Or will they know of my deep testimony of the Savior and my love for them? The jury is still out on that one, I can just take it one day at a time. I have a little quote hanging in my house that says, "Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know Christ will want to know Christ becasue they know you."

Thanksgiving 2012

I fell asleep last night at 8:00 p.m. I guess the stress from the last two weeks finally caught up with me. We had around thirty people over for dinner yesterday which is about half as many as we usually have. With Len and Julie on a mission, my brother Ben divorced, and some of the grand kids living around the country, it was just a few of us who got together. I have to admit the smaller crowd is easier and a lot quieter. On Wed. Mindi and I ran a bunch of errands finding tablecloths and the rest of the things we needed for dinner. When we got home I was working in my kitchen and decided to put some water and sugar on the stove to cook to fill my hummingbird feeder. I got distracted by something and went in my room to rest for a minute. I must have dozed off for a few minutes when I smelled something like smoke in my house. I jumped up and then remembered that I was cooking on the stove. How stupid am I, leaving the kitchen with something on the stove?? Anyway, I was lucky Rich had some of his guys here working and Dave was here too, so we started opening up windows and got the fans blowing the smoke out of the house. I had to take pictures of what sugar and water look like after cooking for about an hour on the stove. The rest of the day I kept thinking about how lucky I was to not have burned my house down. I guess I need to buy a timer for the kitchen so that doesn't happen again. It's taken me two hours to clean up the mess from yesterday but I'm glad that my family feels welcome to come. It was my parents 62 year wedding anniversary too, so we celebrated that milestone with them. I sure wish Dad felt better, he doesn't look good and his appetite isn't what is used to be, but we are thankful for everyday we have with him. I'm putting up all my Thanksgiving decorations and trying to motivate myself to get all the Christmas stuff out, I need a nap before I do that and hopefully with nothing cooking on the stove.

Gratitude for the Harvest

Last week Jenn came over with her three little ones to help Mindi make pomegranate jelly to give away for Christmas. I found myself sounding like my Mom as I said, "you girls need to learn how to do this because some day I won't be around to help you." Hopefully these two will be able to carry on the traditions of our family by working together on this project. We don't live on the farm where we harvest lots of corn, wheat or vegetables but we do have lots of citrus and pomegranate trees so we have our own little crop to harvest. Yesterday Rich and I had to go into downtown Phoenix to attend a hearing concerning the theft of a large amount of money from our company. It wasn't a fun experience and for someone with anxiety disorder it was scary. As we were leaving it was everything I could do to not lose control and start sobbing. We got in the truck and continued on our way through the middle of Phoenix, past the Herberger Theater, both ASU and UofA Phoenix campuses and on to Bank One Ballpark. It has been years since I have been in the hustle and bustle of downtown Phoenix. As we came up to a light I looked over and saw something I had never seen before. A young man covered from head to toe with shiny silver pop tops attached to his clothes and hood over his head. He was trying to get his belt on, while standing on the corner of the street next to his white and pink bike. I grabbed my phone and took a picture. I told Rich I felt ashamed to have been murmuring about my situation when there are so many others who are so lost and alone on this earth. I have nothing to complain about and need to show my gratitude for all my blessings. The holidays are getting harder and harder to get through, but I'm thankful for all those in my life I have to spend them with.

Forgive to be Forgiven

 Mom and I 60 Years Ago



Me, Mom and Marlene at the Bronco's Game

Over these last couple of months as I have been stressed over the situation with my friend and the politics of our country I have learned a lot about myself. My love of country, family and friends are so very important to me. Choosing to stay home and raise my children was hard as I saw other women enter the work force and have careers where they were given praise and a paycheck. I don't remember very many times that my husband and children thanked me for doing their laundry and keeping the house clean, that was just my job. I often wonder what would have happened if I would have tried to balance working and my family, it would have been impossible for me. Yesterday was my Mom's 83rd birthday. Every morning when I call her she answers with a happy voice and says, "Good Morning." I then say something like, "why are you so happy today?" Where she then says, "I made it through another night." I wonder why her happy, positive attitude didn't rub off on me as I'm more like my Dad by not being a morning person. I am going to try really hard to put all the hard feelings I've harbored over these last few weeks to rest. Yesterday as I was ranting about all those who I feel treated my friend wrong and how some I feel are only Christians on Sunday, when all of a sudden Rich said, "come on Dewey, let it go." Am I going to hear this for the rest of my life? As I have been reading my little book by the same name there is a part about when people asked him how he could forgive the person who killed his wife and children. He talks a lot about the Savior's teachings on forgiveness and that if we don't forgive, we will not be forgiven. Then he said, "Although there is power in forgiveness, it does not relieve us of consequences." So I need to really work hard on having a forgiving spirit, because I have so many things to be forgiven of, starting with those closest to me.

"Let It Go"

What a night, at 2:00 a.m. I was still wide awake, my brain trying to process all the information I got after spending three hours listening to testimony, for and against my friend in front of the Town Council here in Gilbert. I thought I would feel so happy and relieved when all seven of them voted against the appeal and will now allow Marlene to move forward in pursuing her dream of having a wedding and party venue. As I woke up this morning still dazed, there was such a sense of sadness that came over me. I saw the toll this has taken on my friend and the hard feelings that I now have towards people who I thought were friends and good people. The scripture "Love thy neighbor as thyself," did not come from those who opposed her. One of the council made a statement that when she asked the neighbors, "is there anything she could do that would allow you to not oppose her?" The answer from them was "NO." This took me back to an email sent to her from someone in my ward that said, "we wish you all the best, hopefully from another location." As I layed awake last night I thought of all the complaints about noise and traffic and how worried they were someone would get hurt. Then I thought of the ten or more receptions Rich and I have attended in that same neighborhood where the cars were lined up and down the streets and the music playing so loud I would have to sit with my fingers in my ears. I think the city saw through all the lies and hatred and gave some good counsel on being good neighbors and trying to heal the wounds that have been caused by this. Marlene now has lots of work to do to be able to hold anything there including getting the building up to code and figure out some parking issues. She has had to spend over $10,000 to hire an attorney and sound and traffic engineers and she still hasn't made a dime. It makes my head hurt just thinking about the toll this has taken on all of us. There is clearly no winner in this situation as I can see them still trying to make her life miserable by watching everything she does trying to find a way to get rid of her. When I was feeling so down and out last weekend when Rich left me behind when he went to Boston to bless Spencer's baby, I picked up the book "Let It Go," by Chris Williams. It is about a guy whose pregnant wife and two kids were killed when a teenage drunk driver smashed into their car while returning from dinner. As he sat in the car with his family dead inside, he says, "My thoughts went quiet, I felt at peace, and then I heard a voice that was not my own in my mind as clearly as if it had come from someone seated next to me. It wasn't a peaceful, whispered voice, nor was it the still, small prompting of the spirit: It was straightforward and filled with power, and the voice said, "Let it Go!" Life continues to be hard for me as I struggle everyday with pain, sadness and disappointment. Hopefully someday when I get to the end I will have done enough good to see Kamber and those I love on the other side, but until that happens I hope to be able to just "let it go."

Can I Accept This?

After Kamber passed away four years ago I read everything I could on grieving. I went to counseling where it seemed like session after session my thoughts would come back to the fact I couldn't get past the fact she was gone. The five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then finally, Acceptance. I think being a baby boomer brought up in a strick Mormom family, I was protected from some of the things my friends were going through like divorce, drugs, sex and alcohol abuse. My parents expected us to do the right thing and we were taught the Golden Rule, to "treat others like you would like to be treated." Due to my mental illness with extreme anxiety and depression, I have learned a lot about myself and my own shortcomings. I have talked a lot lately about trying to help my friend get her wedding venue passed with the city. My daughter Candi commented that she felt maybe I was feeling better about the situation, as I didn't seem to be as upset as in the past. As Rich and I were talking about it the other night I told him how I felt. If someone I knew came to me and asked me to help them with a problem, I would see what I could do to help. Rich would do the same as he would do anything for anyone, always. I think that is what hurts the most about this whole situation. We asked for help and only two of the original people called even responded. Since then some others have offered support and that hasn't gone unnoticed. As with everything in life, time will hopefully heal my heart. Tomorrow night is the final  meeting with the Town Council and I hope they can see through the lies and unkindness coming from her neighbors. I believe that our Heavenly Father loves us and wants what is best for us, so I'm putting my trust in him and know that whatever happens will be his will and that is all I can do. Now will I be able to Accept this decision, that's the question?

Flowers for Kamber

I love living in Arizona in the Fall. It is our reward for living all summer with the temps over 110 degrees. A couple of weeks ago Rich started planting our flowers up the walkways in front of our house. Since Kamber passed away we have planted purple flowers closest to the house around our wishing well in her honor. It is always an emotional day for me as we place each flower in a perfect spot in her memory. Last night as I went to bed I was listening to the news about a three year old little girl who drowned in her grandparents backyard. Unless you have experienced this, you can never know the heartache and pain it causes. Rich left on the "red eye" flight on Thurs. night to go help Spencer bless his new little baby. I have struggled with the emotions since I knew he would be going without me for a few weeks now. This will be the first grand child that I will not see blessed and that hurts. Spencer and Annie wanted to do it back there, so it is what it is. So I'm staying busy, cleaning, making jelly and shopping. If I can't go to Boston, I'll just go to the mall. Even with all the challenges I have right now, I feel such an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for all I've been given. I have sixteen healthy, happy grandchildren and one in heaven cheering me on. We all have struggles and trials and maybe that's what it takes to smooth out all our rough edges and make us so thankful for the good times.

"Unrighteous Dominion"

Last night we had a wonderful time at Tristyn's volleyball banquet for Highland High School. This banquet has been on the books for a couple of months so the city let them go ahead and have it, if Marlene did it for free. As I was sitting there with her and the guests arrived a father and mother of one of the girls strolled in. Marlene recognized him as one of those in Carriage Parc who have made her life a living hell for the last few months, writing letters to the Mayor and being an ass about her wedding venue. We contemplated asking them to leave but thought it would be best to take the "high road" on this one, not wanting to make the daughter embarrassed. Who does that? Who signs petitions, spreads lies, writes letters apposing you and then has the gall to show up at an event? The man in Val Vista Lakes who appealed the commission's decision in her favor is a member of the church and been in the Bishopric. Marlene has had him over showed him what she's doing, turned the music up as loud as she could and he was a total ass to her. As I was telling my Dad my frustration with members of the church who claim to be Christian and follow the teachings of the Savior and then treat someone the way my friend has been treated, he gave me a little lecture. He told me to read D&C 121:39 Where it says, "We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion." In verse 37 it also says, "When we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn. Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man." This is my favorite scripture now. I hope this fight for Marlene will be over soon. She looks so tired and discouraged, I wish I could take her pain away. I do know at some time we will all stand before the judgement bar and get to try and justify our bad behavior, I'm including myself in this as the need to forgive and not judge are taking me down fast.

"Hope and Change?"

All day Tuesday I was sure we were going to have "Hope and Change." As Rich and I went to bed we were really discouraged at the choice the voters made. I thought with the state of the economy, with all those unemployed and on food stamps that maybe our country would want to go in another direction. By last night we had come to accept the fact that we are in the same place we have been for the last four years. So we have come to grips with that and hopefully things will get better. Rich said that almost everyone he talked to in the construction business couldn't wait for the election, hoping the economy would get better and the work would pick up. I have been praying for inspiration as to what I should do with my constant pain and the possibility I may have to go through another surgery. At times I get desperate and try and make a decision without that inspiration, but then decide to just wait. I've been going through this cycle for several months now. So this morning as I was reading my scriptures I came across this in 2 Nephi 31:20, "Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life." I want to look at the big picture and try and press forward with hope and love and know that we aren't in charge of what happens. We can only make choices for ourselves and live the way we know we need to live with our families on the other side.

Election Day 2012

My Dad has been on chemotherapy for a month now. I have been encouraged at how well he has tolerated it and it seemed to help with the pain in his bones. Over the weekend though he started feeling really bad, in a constant state of nausea. I haven't had chemo, but I have been pregnant five times and have some experience with not being able to eat anything and praying to die. I hope he isn't that bad and hopefully when he sees the doctor on Thursday they can help him. During this election time my thoughts have been on my childhood a lot. My parents didn't agree on which party was right and during these times it was a constant state of contention in our family. My Dad was from the White Mountains where his family were Democrat and my Mom from Mesa, who were conservative Mormons. I remember as a young child not understanding the importance of this sacred right we have to vote. My parents basically cancelled out each others votes for decades. Then my Dad became a Bishop and took that responsibility very serious. He told me recently that when the Democrats became so liberal and condoned partial birth abortions and same sex marriage he had to change parties. As he reaches the end of his life, his legacy will live on in us kids, good and bad. As I was talking to him lately he told me that he feels like at some point we will be held accountable for who we voted for, if they weren't in accordance with the teachings of the Savior. I am so thankful for parents who taught me the gospel and the importance of voting for those candidates who have my same ideology. I have no idea what is going to happen but whatever does, we will deserve what we get because we have been warned.

"Now Thank We All Our God"

I spent all last week either getting ready for Halloween or picking and juicing pomegranates to make my Christmas jelly. On Friday my parents, sister, niece Victoria and some other friends came over and we juiced for about seven hours. After everyone left I went in my family room to relax on the couch. My body was talking to me in the hip, back, neck and arms. Rich and Mindi had decided to try a different way so they were at her house with another crew including Jenn, Ethan, Dave, Rich and the kids. They thought it would be better to take each of the seeds out and send it through a juicer while we just used Boches and juiced. I don't care which way you do it, it's hard work. As I was lying on my couch the tears came to my eyes and I felt the same way I did after having a baby. I told myself  "never again", that was terrible. As I sat in church yesterday the opening song was "Now Thank We All Our God" which made me feel a little better. Some of the words are "Oh, may our bounteous God Through all our life be near us, With ever joyful hearts And blessed peace to cheer us, And keep us in his love, And guide us day and night, And free us from all ills, Protect us by his might." With all that is going on back East with the storm damage, I feel so bad for those people. Some families have lost everything, no home, food or clothing. I can't imagine losing everything at this age, it makes me so sad for them. So now this week I will start making jelly, I've already made one batch this morning, I'm so thankful for my nice home and warm bed to rest my weary body, and pray for those who have lost everything.