"Life Wasn't Made To Be Easy Or Fair"

It seems so weird to be all alone in my house. Rich is at the Priesthood Session of conference, Mindi and Dave are still in California with Tristyn at a tournament and the big boys have gone out to party with the cousins at Jenn and Ethan's. We have been crazy busy all day working around the house, making more tamales, ironing all Rich's shirts and now working on a quilt to be auctioned off for the Young Women. When I went outside this morning to feed the dogs my pool looked horrible. The pool fence is so rusted the dogs can get in and out even with the door shut. Rich planted these beautiful white climbing roses to cover the fence and they have gotten so big they are pulling the fence down. So today was the day they cut the roses down. Rich wants to completely take them out but I like the privacy they give us when we are swimming. The bad thing is that a few times a year there are thousands of roses that eventually end up in the pool. I spent an hour out there trying to fish out all the leaves and petals, the water was cool and the sun was hot, 91 degrees today. Conference was so good. I enjoyed it from President Packer's talk, "life wasn't meant to be easy or fair," to Elder Scott talking about our family on the other side who are helping us make right choices. After conference was over my Mom called and asked me how I liked the talks. She then said, "you know we need to move forward and not look back at all the sadness and disappointments." There were a few times during the talks and music that I got goose bumps on my arms and legs. When one of the speakers was talking about missionaries talking to the parents of a young boy who drowned, my mind went back to the day we dressed Kamber for burial. The spirit was so strong as I held her for the last time and stroked her hair and rubbed her feet. How could I go on without the knowledge that she is happy, loved and with other family members who love me and her? Life is hard, not easy and certainly not fair. Elder Holland's advice to not envy those who have more than us, are prettier than us or more talented really was good for me. It is hard to not compare ourselves to others. I just want to be the best I can be, and have a nice clean pool to swim in come summer.

"Roses In December

I've spent the last two days buying the ingredients for, and making green corn tamales. I don't know if they are on my diet, but they taste so good, I will have to deal with the scale next week at the doctor. Mindi and Dave are taking three of their children to a volleyball tournament in California this weekend. They asked if I wanted to go, but sitting in a car that long and then the games just seems like too much work. I guess I will just stay home and watch the two older boys and the animals. I have quilts to finish and Conference to watch, I'm hoping to get answers to some of the things that have been bothering me lately. I know there are things in my life I will never be able to change, so it's either me change, or just give up. I talked to an old friend yesterday, as I listened to her tell me some of her beliefs like "it really doesn't matter what we do because the Savior has already paid for those sins," it kind of put me in a sad mood. I let things bother me that I don't have any control over and then I'm disappointed in myself that I let others affect the way I feel about myself. Last Friday when I went over to spend the day with Ethan, Jenn and the kids, she gave me a couple of books she thought I might enjoy. I started reading one called "Roses in December" by Marilyn Heaveilin. I've just read a couple of chapters but it is really good. It talks about her son being killed by a drunk driver when he was seventeen years old coming home from a basketball game. After he died she was in a bookstore looking at some posters when she saw one with a beautiful red rose. The flower had opened and dewdrops were seen on the petals. At the bottom was a quote that said, "GOD GIVES US MEMORIES SO WE MIGHT HAVE ROSES IN DECEMBER." To her the roses were symbolic of God's love by giving us kind acts of service from others and the love we have for our friends and family. At the end of the first chapter she says,"perhaps you are going through a December in your life; a death, a divorce, or some other severe disappointment, and you can't see any roses. Let me share my December roses with you so you can start collecting a bouquet of your own and then share your roses with others." After I read that I went outside to count how many roses we have. Over the years Rich has planted over fifty rose bushes and rose trees on our lot. Most of them are full of blossoms and we will have hundreds of flowers on them soon. I will be looking at these flowers a little bit differently now and hopefully see that our memories are each a beautiful rose.

Trying To Endure, Summer's Almost Here

Last night I brought out Rich's old laptop to see if it was something I could figure out. It's sad when your five year old grand kids know more about it than you do. I have the same cell phone as my eleven year old grandson because my family thinks I'm not smart enough for a smart phone. Anyway, I spent most of yesterday in bed with the sheets pulled up over my head. Sometimes it seems like life has too many things for me to deal with. I'm having a hard time sleeping. Besides trying to find a comfortable place for my hip, I'm fighting all the worries about life in general. I constantly need to remind myself of all the blessings I have, gratitude goes a long way, but I'm not there quite yet. Poor Mindi has had sick kids all weekend. Troy and Trent have had high fevers and now Trulie is barfing. After having such a down day yesterday I've been able to pull myself together and get my work done, visiting teaching, and to Hobby Lobby to purchase the material for a quilt Sharon and I are making for the Young Women's auction. I'm looking forward to Conference, I always feel the spirit during the talks and music. Easter is coming fast and then the heat will come, darn it. Our flowers are so pretty, they loved the rain last weekend, soon they will be gone too and summer will be here with all the fresh fruit, swimming and the oppressive hot weather. Arizona is the place to be! Ha Ha

My Bronco Is Now a Patriot

This week has been crazy. Our computer crashed while Rich was working on his talk last Sat. It's been in the shop since Monday and who knows when we will get it back. Mindi and her family are gone to a football game and practice, so I thought I would spend a minute writing. I got a call Monday from Spencer that he was on a plane to Boston to visit the Patriots. With the circus going on in Denver with them trying to get Peyton Manning they weren't talking to any of their free agents. The more I see how the NFL operates the more discouraged I become. Anyway, my Bronco is now a Patriot. I never have had a favorite football team but the Patriots were so far away, I never thought we would ever have a connection with them. I have been fighting the happy and sad feelings all week. Spencer and his little family will be living in Boston for the next two years. I have the same feelings I did when I knew he was leaving for Chile for two years. I hope this opportunity will work well for him, he has worked really hard to be able to play as long as he can and we are thankful he is getting the chance to play on a really good team. The older I get the more I realize how little control we have over situations in our lives. We can try everyday to be worthy of blessings we are given, but giving up control is so hard, especially when it comes to our kids. Spencer has been over in Washington speaking to the missionaries in the Kennewick Mission, he's on his way back to Denver to start packing to leave for Boston in two weeks. I spent yesterday with Ethan, Jenn and the kids out at their house. The kids have been out of school for a couple of weeks and I wanted to spend some time with them. The girls are getting so big and Max is spoiled rotten living with all those sisters, but he is a sweetheart. As we were sitting eating lunch Brookie looked over at me and said, "I love you Grandma." Sometimes I look at her and see so much of Kamber. Maybe it's her age, but she has such a special spirit about her. She gave us all a reason to live after Kamber went to heaven, so she is special to me, as are all my grandchildren. Life is hard, but I don't think it's suppose to be easy, at least it isn't for me, but I know I can do hard things. Now I just need to find somewhere to put all this Bronco stuff, I swear I'm only buying one Patriot shirt, okay, maybe two.

"A Happy St. Patty's Day"

I was going to get up and make green eggs, green pancakes and maybe even some green smoothie to celebrate St. Patrick's Day but Rich left for work and Mindi and Dave took the kids to Tristyn's volleyball tournament. I stayed here with the animals and my cleaning girl. This has been a hard week for me. Every week is hard, but this week I started out by stubbing my baby toe while trying to water my roses. My toe hurt so bad I almost said some bad words, and I could hardly walk back into my house. It turned black and blue, so I've been hobbling around all week. Then somehow I hurt my back or rib or something in there while trying to lift weights while exercising. I've also been battling some kind of stomach issues that have left me weak and irritated. This has been spring break and I've only been out of the house a few times to feed animals and go to the grocery store. After everyone left I could feel those little feelings of sadness and discouragement moving in. Saturday is a day when I feel we should all be working together in the house and the yard and maybe doing things as a family. Most of the time Rich has loose ends on the jobs that need to be finished and Mindi and her kids are always busy. I've been working on some quilts and a painting project to keep me busy and my mind off those worries and struggles. I've also almost finished the book on President Monsons life. After reading a chapter about how kind and loving he is to everyone I wondered how his wife deals with him being gone all the time serving as Prophet. I know how I feel when Rich is gone for hours during the week doing church work, I can't imagine the sacrifices made by those serving in church positions. I look at my brother Len and his wife who are serving as Mission President in Washington, how do you leave the kids and grand kids, your home and job to serve for three years? I guess they have to make up for people like me who can't. Anyway, life continues to move along and hopefully next week will be better for me, now it's time to go eat something green.

Sometimes My Prayers Are Answered

There have been times in my life when I have felt my prayers went unanswered. I have felt alone and abandoned. This week I had two experiences that made me think that maybe there is someone up there who actually does care about me. On Sunday evening Rich called to say the dogs had gotten out and he was looking for them. He had been at a fireside and as he drove up to the house the four dogs were in the front. He was able to get Trixie and Ozzie back in the fence but our two females went running down the street. These dogs are very expensive, $2,200 a piece and we co-own them with a friend in the ward. Spencer jumped on the bike and Mindi, Rich and a neighbor started driving around the neighborhood and surrounding areas. Dave went out and plugged the irrigation ditch where they got out of and then he got on the bike and went on the search and rescue. By 9:45 p.m. we still hadn't found them, so everyone came home thinking that maybe someone found them and just put them in their house waiting for Monday to find a solution. Anyway, Mindi and I didn't feel good about giving up, so I jumped into her car in my nightgown and we drove over to tell Sherrie the dogs were loose. On our way to her house we saw a group of kids just hanging out in the street talking and messing around. As we left Sherrie's and turned the corner we saw two white dogs being held by these young kids. We felt so lucky because just a few feet away was a busy street We thanked the kids and took our "bad dogs" home. Another thing that happened was that Spencer told me as they were leaving that Annie lost one of her diamond wedding bands in our hall bathroom. They had looked and looked but wanted me to keep an eye out for it. I had been in there several times looking in the garbage, bathtub and even sticking my hand in the toilet thinking maybe it fell in there. Yesterday I decided to ask Rich's secretary, Amber about the ring and let her know it was missing. She said, "have you looked under the cabinet?" I assured her that I had looked everywhere without finding it. Well she got up from the office looked in the bathroom and said, "there it is." I couldn't believe that we found it under the cabinet. When I called Annie to give her the good news she said, "I looked everywhere in that bathroom, I even stuck my hand down the toilet." This morning I was reading a little book a friend of mine gave me, called "Your Happily Ever After" by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. In this book he says, "adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy." Someday I hope to be worthy to experience that joy that comes through adversity, and hopfully have a "Happily Ever After" moment in my life.

Maybe Someday Trixie Can Go Home

Yesterday was kind of a weird day for me. I knew Spencer and Annie were leaving to go back home to Colorado. They get tired of living out of a suitcase and having their stuff scattered between both families. All morning long I kept having that same feeling I did when he left for Chile on his mission. Why would I feel so down? I stayed home all day in my little shell shuffling along doing what little I could to get by. When Rich got home from work, we sat down to eat dinner and then called to see where Spencer's little family were in their journey home. They were an hour out of Albuquerque but were making good progress. Today he will become a free agent, which means that the Denver Broncos no longer have rights to him. That also means he doesn't have a job anymore. I think I've been more stressed out about it than he is, maybe because he has more faith in the fact that we have little control over some things in our lives. We were hoping to know where he will play next year so he could take his dog Trixie home. She has been so excited with Spencer being here and now she just comes to the door and looks in hoping someone will let her in. So this morning I let her in just to walk around and see that Spencer wasn't here anymore. It was kind of sad, but Rich was working in the office and he gave her some kind words and a pet on her head. Last night as I was telling Rich about my feelings and how tired I am of staying home and cleaning my house, he said, "at least you are lucky enough to have a house to clean." That gratitude thing still evades me, but I am thankful for all that I've been given, especially those in my life who have given me the opportunity to serve. Now I'm off to Basha's to buy a few groceries to lift my spirit, bananas, carrots and milk, yum!

The Start of Spring Break Yee Hee!

This week is spring break for all the kiddos around here. When I was in school we didn't have all the fall break, spring break and half days. I do love this time of year here in Arizona. The temps are cool at night and in the 80's during the day. Our citrus trees are starting to blossom and that is one of my favorite smells. Candi and B.J. left for California yesterday to go on a Disney Cruise with the Wootans, while Spencer and Annie flew in from Hawaii this morning. I could let myself get depressed about not having the lifestyle of the "rich and famous" but traveling just isn't one of my passions, I like sleeping in my own bed. Today in church we had a baby blessing, a return missionary report on his experience and a lesson on the Priesthood. It got me thinking about all the blessings I've been given by the way of Priesthood Authority. I was lucky to have a Dad who honored his Priesthood and I still love it when I get a Fathers Blessing. As the teacher was giving her lesson she was talking about when her Grandmother died and how stressful it was planning her funeral with all the different religions and people involved. All of a sudden my heart started pounding and I became so emotional. My mind went back to when the accident happened and Kamber was taken home. The week of planning her funeral was intense as we went through the process of finding someone to make her dress, her video, pictures, and all the other arrangements. How could we have done it without all the kind people who came to our aid? We were in shock, dazed and confused and so very sad. What would we have done without the Priesthood power at that difficult time in our lives? I wanted to share that experience but knew if I did I would probably melt into a puddle of chocolate on the floor. I felt the spirit though and know that my life will forever be blessed by the Priesthood that surrounds me in my life.

"I Want a Peanut Buster Parfait"

As I have mentioned before me, my sister Mell, and Mindi have been on a quest to rid ourselves of unwanted body mass. It has been a hard fought battle starting before Thanksgiving, through the Holidays and continues on today. After deciding a couple of years ago to not go the surgical route, I have prayed for an answer to this problem. I remember asking one of my doctors why he didn't help his patients lose weight. All I remember him saying is that there are so many reasons for people to be overweight and it gets too complicated. I had become discouraged at how slow the weight has been coming off. Two weeks ago when I went I hadn't lost any weight and decided if I couldn't get my head right, I was going to give up. Just like I've done time and time again. Well, today when we went to the doctor we all lost weight, Mell and I three pounds and Mindi four. I finally passed the twenty pound marker and hopefully will be able to keep it up. Yesterday as we were running errands we passed Paradise Bakery where Mindi said, "Boy how I want a cookie." Then a little bit later as we went by the Dairy Queen I said, "What I wouldn't give for a Peanut Buster Parfait." It was a good thing Mindi didn't hesitate to let me know that wasn't on our diet. As Mothers we are in charge of feeding our children and keeping them alive. I was the "Kool Aid Mom" because I didn't work I was the one passing out homemade chocolate chip cookies. The loneliness I felt staying home with kids while Rich slaved away has taken a toll on my body and my sanity. I have noticed that as I have tried to not medicate myself with food the emotions are running high. I know Rich gets the brunt of my bad moods and emotional breakdowns. Last night as I was sitting in the tub relaxing I said, "you have to wonder why we have to go through these trials in our lives." All Rich could say was, "Yea you just have to wonder." It seems like these days we do a lot of wondering around here.

"To Be Free of Heavy Burden"

Max and Brookie
Ethan, Rich and Max

Me and Candi
Candi with Dally, Major, Brookie and Kylie
Jenn and Reagan

Yesterday was a sweet day for me. We started out with family pictures and then church. Ethan did a great job giving little Reagan a name and a blessing. I was so proud of him. It was also Spencer's birthday so we celebrated during a luncheon after church. It seems like forever since we have had all our family together. It will probably be a long time, and maybe never when we will be able to get another picture. Spencer will be going home to Colorado as he waits to see what team he will be playing for next year. He and Annie left for Hawaii this morning, I hope they get back safe, I would never fly over shark infested waters unless I was unconscious. My parents, sister and brother -in-law came to support and it is always fun having them with us. Yesterday was Fast Sunday so during church there were testimonies born. The member of the Bishopric did such a nice job telling about losing his son and how he didn't handle it right. There has been a lot of talk lately in meetings how we need to turn all of our burdens over to the Lord. It seems like I have been struggling with heavy burdens for a long time now. I don't really understand how to just give them up, so I decided to do a little research. I found a good article by Elder Richard G. Scott called "To Be Free of Heavy Burden" given during General Conference in 2002. In it he quotes scriptures "I will...ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that ...you cannot feel them..., and this will I do... that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." He then goes on to talk about repenting of serious sins and trying to forgive those who offend us. I still don't know if I quite understand how to turn my burdens over to the Lord, but it sounds wonderful. I know there are many who are going through really hard times. I have a cousin who at 29 is fighting breast cancer, she is so sick from the chemo and her family is worried sick for her. Everyone has a trial, some of us have two or three we are struggling with. At the end of the article Elder Scott says, "When possible, lay the burden at the feet of the Savior." Now if I can just learn how to do that life will be better.

"I'm Whole, Perfect, Powerful..."

The weekend is upon us, I still can't believe how fast time is passing me by, maybe that's a good thing. As most of my friends and family know it's hard for me to stay out of the toilet daily. It seems like I let people and situations affect me in a negative way. I remember my Dad trying to give me advice a few years ago telling me that I need to "not to let other people affect the way you react." Anyway, last weekend when Spencer was torturing me, he thought he was helping, he told me to repeat a little saying, "I'm Whole, Perfect, Powerful, Strong, Loving, Harmonious, and Happy" over and over. I wouldn't consider myself any of those attributes right now. I hadn't thought about it again until I could feel those discouraging thoughts coming back into my mind this morning. Ethan and Jenn are blessing their baby this Sunday and since this will be the only time our whole family will be together for a long time, I wanted to get together for a family picture. It should be nice weather and no one is pregnant, I think, so hopefully we can put our smiling faces on and get some good pictures. I have a favorite picture that hangs in my entryway that I will never take down. It is the last family picture we had taken with Kamber in it. I remember how hard it was for her to stand still and we were sitting on some rocks. Ethan had to finally stand behind her and hold her up, she was so fun. Anyway, we miss her everyday and know she is in a beautiful place where she is loved and I know she loves us. As a family we will continue on our path until that day comes when we will see her again, that I know for sure.