Busy Week

This has been a busy and stressful week. Rich and Dave spent the weekend in Seattle watching Spencer play the Seahawks and touring around Anacortes in Washington. That left Mindi and I to do the Kids and Church by ourselves. She commented that she didn't know how single Moms do it. Rich was behind at work because of his traveling so we didn't see him much during the week. On Wednesday evening they had a ward "cookies and milk" social with the old bishopric and that was fun. The ward gave him a book and a card with lots of nice comments written by ward members. It doesn't seem like much has changed, he still isn't home so I wonder how he was able to do all he got done during those five years while serving. On Thursday it was Dally Dogs birthday. He is Candi's "second child," we are hoping he will someday say a few words so he won't have to scream all the time. He is so cute and so loving but I know he drives her crazy at times. She isn't the most patient person around. The party didn't seem right for me because someone was missing. Well, actually there were several people missing from our family, but one who I think the world of. One that I love dearly and sad to see struggle. As a Mom we try to make our children happy and take away their pain and sorrows. We try to protect them from getting hurt or being unhappy. Sometimes though, we have to stand by and watch them suffer. As a parent that is the worst place to be. I hate it. I do know that we can't control what happens to us or the trials we will be asked to go through. I do know that the only person who can help us through these hard times is the Savior. I know he loves us and wants us to be happy. I wish I could take away the pain but that's not my place. I hope at sometime in my lifetime I will be able to understand "why," and be at peace with it.

"THOUGHTS"

Growing up I hated to read. My sister even wrote a paper on how I hadn't read anything harder than a little book called, "Walter the Lazy Mouse." After I had my miscarriage, and fell in that "black hole" called anxiety and depression, I started reading everything I could get my hands on to try and fix the problem. When you add in all the books on PMS and "How to Get Along With a Man" books, I have read a lot of books. I've been reading a book called "You Can Be HAPPY No Matter What." I have had it for a few years but until I fell in the toilet (black hole) last week I never read it. It seems like everything I have been reading lately talks about "controlling our thoughts." He says that every negative feeling is a direct result of our thoughts. "The only way a thought, or series of thoughts, can harm you is if you give them significance. If you don't, they have no power to hurt you without your consent, you will retain power over your life." He then goes on to talk about living in the "NOW". "When our thinking is right and we can live in the present, we can keep our minds from spinning forward toward worries and concerns- or backwards toward regrets and past hurts." This is so hard for me. I live most of my life in the future worrying about everything I need to do, or in the past about everything I didn't do. I know our thoughts are important because they even talk about it in the scriptures. In Mosiah 4:30 it says, "If ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish." "WOW" if I don't start controlling my thoughts I will perish. That is pretty strong. For someone who has been labeled the "most negative person on the planet." I have lots of work to do on controlling my thoughts. I have a feeling it is going to take me a long time but I will work on it a day at a time.

3 ACT PLAY

Sundays are not a day of rest for me. They also are hard because it is a time to reflect on life. Rich and Dave went to Seattle to watch Spencer play and Mindi and I stayed home with the kids. Tristyn had a volleyball tournament on Saturday and we were busy all day cleaning and doing laundry. We then watched the game last night with friends. This morning as I was getting ready for church I turned on the BYU channel and was listening to a talk given on how to know what is in your teenagers head. I don't have any children at home anymore but what he said applied to all of us. He was talking about how our lives are like a 3 Act Play. The first act is our premortal life, the second is our earthly life and then the third act is after we die. He said that because of our choices we made in the first act we were sent to earth. It is here where we experience tests, trials, temptations and tragedy. There are no "Happily Ever After" until we go on to Act 3. He then said that we can't take the trials we have in our life and let that define who and what we are. I know that since Kamber passed away it seems like there is so much sadness going on around us. I'm sure there was even before last July, but because of our filter on life, it seems like we relate more to it. Maybe that's the way life is suppose to be. We have experiences that then make us more able to have sympathy and empathy for others. I hope I can become a better person because of my trials. It's hard to not feel self pity and wonder "why me?"Grief is are weird thing, you never know when it will rear it's ugly head. All I know is that the sun will come up tomorrow.

"Groundhog Day"

"This afternoon as Mindi and I were coming home from running errands I said, "You know, sometimes I just want to go away for a while and think about my life and try and figure out what changes I could make to be happier." At times I feel like I've spent the prime of my life taking care of everyone and everything around me. I'm so tired of the same old thing day after day. I feel like I'm in the movie "Groundhog Day," where everyday he wakes up to the same song on the radio and the same things over and over again. I know I need to change my thought process because when I really sit and think about all my blessings I can't help feeling grateful for all the blessings in my life. The last year has been hard, but I have survived something I never thought possible. I have felt the love of friends and family that I will never forget. I have grown spiritually and emotionally. I'm so very proud of my children and grandchildren and the love they have for each other. I asked a friend of mine "if our Heavenly Father knows everything about us, and knows what we are going to do in any situation, why do we even need to be here on this earth?" He said, " Yes, He does know everything about us, but we need to prove to ourselves what choices we will make." Of course we do. We have hundreds of choices to make each and everyday. We also need to realize that our days are made up of all our thoughts whether they are good or evil. I know my negative thoughts get me in to trouble all the time. Life is hard, but I know it could be a lot worse. We never know what trials will be asked of us, what sacrifices we will have to make. All I know is that I want to be with Kamber wherever she is. That's going to take lots of work to get there. I hope I'm up for the challenge.

Deliver Me From Bondage

Before Spencer left for training camp he gave me his little lecture on how to be happier. We decided that I was in bondage and that maybe I should work on that aspect of my life. Everyone that knows me understands my love of animals. It started as a young child, I probably took care of the animals in heaven. My parents were both school teachers and my Dad grew up on a farm so they didn't let us have many animals. I remember having a big red cat named "Tom" and an occasional dog, but it wasn't until I was a junior in high school that I was able to get a pet of my own. So, when I got married I decided I would get every animal I could. I have had goats, sheep, chickens, pot bellied pigs, dogs, cats, rabbits, birds, turtles and fish. At one time I was going to get a cow but Rich said "sure we could get a cow but we will have to eat it." That put a damper on that idea. Anyway, after fighting with Rich for 30 + years, and listening to my children's constant complaining I have decided that I am an animal hoarder and I need to fix this problem. So, thanks to Mindi we have been getting rid of all the animals we don't LOVE by selling them or giving them away. We have gotten rid of all my birds, her gecko lizard and two of my aquariums. We also thinned our sulcatata tortoise herd. I hope it makes my life easier and I can spend more time doing the things I enjoy. I'm still trying to figure out what I would really like to do. Maybe I should start traveling, I love to fly and I love driving that much more! Ha Ha

Refiners Fire

I have been thinking a lot lately of something that was told me when Kamber passed away. We were warned that in families where a young child dies the divorce rate is as high as 80%. For the last year that has bothered me. Why at a time of such sadness and stress would parents "call it quits" instead of staying in and fighting for the sake of their family? I can see now why it is so hard to stay together. At times during this year I have thought, Ethan and Jenn are doing so well, why are Rich and I having such a hard time "keeping it together?" I have even thought that maybe it would skip the parents and just move on to the grandparents. Rich and I met on Labor Day weekend in 1975 when he returned from his mission. We had been writing to each other for about a year before we met. He was my brother's missionary companion so I didn't know him before his mission. He was from a small town in Utah and I was a city girl from Scottsdale. We had an instant attraction and were married seven months later. We had our first baby 10 months later in Feb. 1977. Three more children joined our family in June 1979, April 1981, and March of 1984. It has been thirty-three years together and that just blows my mind sometimes. How can two people who are so opposite in so many areas stay together that long without killing each other? I was sitting in church thinking about this yesterday and wondering why would Heavenly Father command us to get married and have children when it is so hard? Then I remembered what a friend of mine said when I asked him the same question. "Because that is the refiners fire." Rich and I are both VERY strong personalities and are passionate about our beliefs. We take our marriage covenants very seriously and would never do anything to jeopardise our membership in the church. As hard as this last year has been, I have a deeper love for him and a yearning to be with him and Kamber on the other side. Being married is hard and raising children is a challenge but I hope and pray it will be worth it on the other side. I wouldn't want to go through this journey with anyone else but who I chose 33 years ago.

Morning Ritual

About 20 years ago when I was a young mother I decided that after my children left for school in the morning, I would take 30 minutes from 8:30 -9:00 a.m. to read my scriptures and write in my journal. It was a rough time for me. I had suffered a miscarriage and then kind of a nervous breakdown from the stress of four young children, a large house on an acre of land, a husband that was never home due to work and church responsibilities and other physical problems.
Last week as I was back in that dark abyss of my life, I decided to start my morning ritual again and see if maybe I could get some relief. I picked up the scriptures and then started reading a book a friend of mine gave me for my birthday in May. It is written by President Hinkley's daughter Virginia Pearce called "A Heart Like His." I just finished it this morning so I felt a need to write a little bit about what I learned or felt from this little book. She talks about filling our heart up with the love of God and then opening up our hearts to others. I know that for a lot of times in my life I have had a hard heart, a sad heart, an angry heart, and sometimes a cold heart. After Kamber passed away I would have to say I had a broken heart that I'm still in the process of mending. The very last paragraph of her book she tells us how important it is to be filled with the love of Christ. She says, " It doesn't just make life nicer or more pleasant and comfortable. Being filled with the love of God actually changes everything because it has the power to completely change us inside. You seen, over time, it changes us from the natural man into a true son or daughter of God, a sanctified being-one who has finally become like Him. And that's what we're here on earth to do-to become like Him and help other do the same." That is what I want for me and for all my family and friends to have a heart like His.

In A Funk

I have wanted to blog for the last few days but I've been in such a funk I felt it better I didn't spew my venom on everyone. I hate getting in these moods where you feel sad, discouraged, depressed and just plain "worn out" physically, mentally and emotionally. This week has been busy with three birthdays a lake trip and two baby showers. I missed a bridal shower last Saturday because I didn't get her gift finished and Mindi went out of town. Anyway, I just got off the phone with my parents, my Mom calls me everyday, sometimes three or four times a day. She always asks, "What's going on over there?" My answer is always the same, "nothing." She knows the drill, feeding animals in the morning, doing laundry, making beds, washing dishes, the same thing I've been doing for thirty-three years now. My Dad got on the phone when he could tell my Mom was trying to cheer me up and asked what my problem was. As I told him how discouraged I was he told me of a story about when his stepfather died. His cousin came over bringing apples for him. When my grandmother told him he had passed away, the cousin said, "Oh heck, I guess I will just go home and pout." We had a good laugh and then I said, "well maybe I will just go in my room and pout. I think having a "sunny disposition" is a spiritual gift. I want to be one of them but that's not my personality. I know people who have had terrible trials in their life who always have a smile on their face and a kind word. I admire them. My maternal grandmother Fern Turley was one of those people. I never saw her down. She had to work her whole life to provide for her family because her husband was sick. She never complained and I was never with her that she wasn't telling me how wonderful I was and how I could do anything I put my mind to. My mom is like that too. She reminded me of a saying my grandmother always said when someone was discouraged, "Get Up and Dust." So on we go through another day of household chores and running errands. As I look around my house it does look pretty dusty, so maybe that will make me feel better.

Family Night at the Lake

Can I just tell you for a long time now I have felt "left behind". It seems like everyone else I know has a life but me. Most of it is self induced but I still feel it. Everyone has gotten to go on vacation this summer but me. My kids make it a priority to get away to the beach or the mountains or to the lake, but I stay home and keep the house and animals alive. On Sunday they called Rich and told him the annual youth lake activity was planned for this Saturday and they needed him to take our boat. I can honestly say I was pissed off. I even told a guy in our ward that I haven't even been on the boat in a couple of years. I was getting more and more irritated as the day went on. To be honest with you, I spend most of my waking hours irritated at someone or something. Last week Rich had told us at dinner that we needed to go to the lake before we run out of summer and that maybe Monday would be a good day. So we made sure the boat was still in one piece, after Ethan had it at Lake Powell and went. It was 115 degrees when we finally got loaded and gassed up and we got on the lake at about 5:00 p.m. We had to get the kids in life jackets and that was a chore. We had Mindi's four kids and Ethan's two older girls. Rich handed Mindi a life jacket for Troy it was the right size but it was Dora the Explorer, and it was Kamber's. I just couldn't be okay with that so she put a different one on him. We found a cute red and yellow one that looked more like a boy anyway. We took off across Canyon Lake and went back into some of the channels and let the kids jump in and swim to get cooled off while Rich and Mindi blew up our big tube. We spent the rest of the time pulling the kids around the lake until it was almost dark and we stopped and ate. The kids were so good, even Troy rode on the tube and jumped off the boat into the lake. Rich pulled them around until it started getting dark and we came home. I wouldn't call it a vacation, but it was a change of pace. We are hoping to go up next Monday and take Candi and B.J. and their kids. That will be two summer activities for me. Ye Ha!

Clash of the Titans

I remember when my kids were growing up there was a movie called "Clash of the Titans." I asked Mindi the other day if she remembered what it was about but she doesn't. Anyway, on Thurs. Mindi got a call from a guy that needed a home for another huge tortoise. We started our little hobby by buying 4 hatch lings five years ago, but our herd has grown to ten now. So on Friday morning we went on a trip to the Johnson Ranch area to pick up this dinosaur. It took us 45 minutes to get there and about that to get home. Tristyn and I decided on the way home we would call him "Big Miles" after the mascot for the Denver Broncos. Anyway, all was going well, we put him in the back yard and Mindi got ready and left to go to Moser Mountain. I took the opportunity to take a nap while it was quiet and then went out to feed the animals at about 6:00 p.m. When I got out things were going fine until my other big tortoise "Big Boy" got a glimpse of the other guy and the fight was on. They were going at it for about an hour and the new one was getting his butt kicked. I had to turn him over several times so I knew this wasn't a good idea to have them together. I think the bigger one would end up killing the new one. So here I am trying to break up a fight between two huge tortoises by myself. I was hoping Rich would come to my rescue and figure out a solution. I ran in the house and yelled at him to come help me. He came out and I showed him my problem. I know the last thing he wanted to do on a Friday night after a terrible week of work was to help me build an enclosure for a stupid tortoise. He was a good sport for about 5 minutes until I let the fencing hit him on the shin a few times and then he was pissed. Anyway, to make a long story short, we got a fence put up around the new guy and they have been fighting through the fence for the last two days. When Mindi gets home tonight maybe she and Dave can help me figure it out. I don't dare ask Rich to help because he already told me turtle soup sounded good to him.