"Bitter or Better?"

Life continues to let me know just how little control I have. I would like to think that at this age I would finally be able to figure things out, but it seems like I will die confused and discouraged. I have seen the "law of the harvest" or "karma" played out in my life and those around me. It's hard to look back and wonder what would have happened if other choices would have been made. We have a culture where we are told to do certain things, get married, have children, be active in church, serve, and many other things. Lately I have felt "burned out." I'm tired of "Groundhog Day" and need a change. Maybe just a change of scenery or an attitude adjustment. After Kamber passed away I felt like I needed to "up my game" and do everything I could to be worthy to see her again. I think sometimes I've given up hope that I will ever be good enough to be in her presence. We were warned that losing a child would change our family, that I could either become "bitter or better," the jury is still out on that one. I know after raising four children and being the grandmother to sixteen little darlings that I can't control anything. We fought in heaven for the right to have agency over ourselves and I forget sometimes that the only thing I can do is try and better myself. I've been trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I lost about 18 pounds pretty easy but now am stuck. It's hard to make the right food choices when there is always going to be a birthday, a wedding and even the Super Bowl. Losing weight is really the only thing I can do to see if my hip will ever be right, if not I will have to do surgery again, something that I dread. It was brought to my attention recently that I have turned into an 90 year old person. Huh! That's pretty bad when I haven't even turned sixty yet. Anyway, it seems like my life goes in cycles, I'm either going up or down, so hopefully things will turn around and I can start moving closer to Heaven.