Ben Hur

Last night I turned the t.v. on and my all-time favorite movie was on, Ben-Hur. I remember the first time I saw it we went to the drive-in with my Abney-Heap cousins in Mesa. I remember laying on a blanket watching the chariot race and loving every minute. That was probably more than 45 years ago. As I watched it as an old grandman it took on a different meaning than it had as a young child. I didn't realize back then that it was such a long movie and how hadsome Charleton Heston was, but I do remember the spirit I felt. As I was watching it last night my eyes began to tear up as he was looking for his mother and sister. Then as he watched the trial of Jesus and him carrying the cross up the stairs. He wanted revenge on the Romans who had sent him to the galley of the ship to die. Then he saw Jesus and his heart was softened. Rich had to do Sharing Time today, (for maybe the last time) as the Bishopric. He had made a bridge out of wood the the words ATONEMENT on them. He does such a good job with the kids. I felt the spirit again as he talked about how the Savior has made it possible to return home to live as eternal families. I know Kamber is in good hands on the other side and hope as a family we will all strive to do better every day so we can be with her again.

Empathy

Rich and I went to a funeral for a young man in our ward. His name was Ben Harper and Rich was one of his advisers in the Priest Quorum a few years ago. I have to admit that funerals are not my favorite things to attend, but after I go I'm always glad. The spirit is so strong and it is a spiritual experience for me. Yesterday as I sat and listened to the words of the Bishop and Stake President, (who just happens to be my brother), I came away with a new sense of what I need to be doing to better my life. The Bishop said," the Lord doesn't expect perfection, he just wants our hearts." At times I get discouraged when I think of all the things I'm not doing, but hopefully he knows my heart and understands my shortcomings. Lennie talked about the "Plan of Happiness" and that sometimes it doesn't seem so happy. It brought me back to that awful day in July when our darling granddaughter Kamber passed away. It was by far the hardest trial I have had in my life, but at the same time the most spiritual. The closeness we felt as a family and the love we felt from our ward members, extended family and friends was overwhelming. We know how hard the next few months and even years are going to be for them, but we have hope that the days ahead will bring them peace and understanding. We have a little more understanding of how they feel because we have been there and are still grieving.

March Madness

I love the month of March. The weather is usually nice and my flowers are starting to look really good before they start dying off. I also like March because of the college basketball's tournament. I guess my love for basketball started when I used to play outside every day after school. It was usually Lennie and me against Dad and Ben. My Dad was also a high school referee so he would take us kids all over town when he reffed. A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my friend about Kamber and how hard it is to come to terms with her death. I think I'm doing really well, but there are times that the pain is unbearable. He was telling me about his theory that you are either in the stands, or you are on the court. When you are in the stands, you are watching the players, cheering, yelling and wondering about the strategy on the court. But, when you are on the court, and in the game, it's a whole new experience. I have been in the stands for a long time in my life, but since Kamber's passing I feel I've been forced to get on the court and in to the game. I guess this is why we aren't suppose to judge anyone, because if you aren't on the court and in the game you have NO idea what it's like. I'm looking forward to being in the stands in the future but for now I'm stuck on the court.

Grandma the water's warm!

Today we had the Larsen girls while Jenn was at the hospital with Ethan having surgery to have his gallbladder out. Because it's spring break that made seven kids. They really have fun with their cousins and get along really well. In the afternoon Tristyn came in and said that they went over into the pool and felt the water and it was really warm. I said, "there is no way in h#@* that water in that pool is warm." After arguing with them for about two hours and listening to them tell me how warm the water was I decided to call their bluff. I said, "everyone outside on the diving board and you are all jumping in." We headed out to the pool and before you know it they were in swimming. After they were in a little bit the water didn't seem so warm. Tristyn was chattering and Trent was out saying he needed a towel because he was cold. I finally told Tristyn she better go all the way under because she was the one who kept telling me how warm it was. Tayler was having a blast. She and Kylie stayed in the longest and Tayler swam and swam. We had a box of Otter Pops and ice cream bars and then came in. The weather has been so pretty and I hate the heat, but it is fun to see all the kids in the pool. I couldn't help but think how much Kamber loved the water and how sad I was that she wasn't there with us; or maybe she was.

Tristyn Playing Volleyball

Four generations of volleyball players.

Last Saturday we took my Dad to the Salvation Army to watch Tristyn play in a volleyball tournament. It is fun but tiring and frustrating. There are eight teams that play in a tournament for seeding purposes for the next tournament. Anyone who has ever watched 10-12 year-old girls play, know that a lot of the time is spent listening to them scream. It brought back all the memories of watching Mindi and Candi play and it was good to spend time with my Dad. He was a good sport but admitted to getting "awful tired" by the end. Plus, our backsides were sore from sitting on the old wood bleachers. It was interesting to see all these girls, with different shapes, sizes, colors and ability play. Some should change sports but others had some good potential. When we took Dad home, my Mom was excited to see us home safely and she came out to greet us. By then some of the kids needed to use the bathroom so went in to the house where I grew up in Scottdsdale. My Mom is a typical mother and always wants to feed us, so she offered us one of her bananas. I love bananas that are just barely a little bit yellow and she had just been to the store. I swear she buys at least 14 of them every week. Anyway, I was teasing her about how there is NO WAY she can eat that many bananas in a week, she must have a pet spider monkey in her house. Anyway, Trace heard me say that and he said, "I want to go in and see Grandma's Spider Monkey." It was pretty funny. so we sent Mom in to get her bowl of bananas and took a picture. She is so hilarious, always smiling, almost always happy.

Mom's spider monkey food.

Close Call

WOW did I have another close call. I went out this morning to do my chores, (feed animals, start up the pond, water my plants, etc.). I was in the aviary putting seeds in the dishes when I saw a black furry critter run past me with a white Lab on his trail. He got under the cage and Sonny had him in his mouth before I had time to react. I started yelling at the dogs and finally got them out of the area and in the pool fence. Then I had to go back and try to get my rabbit back in his cage. I found him hiding behind the feed but I couldn't catch him. As soon as I would touch him he would take off. He finally got out of the aviary and in the yard. That's two acres of wet grass; because we got irrigation yesterday, and I'm trying to catch him. Yea, right. Anyway, to make a long story short I ran in and got Mindi and she and Trace came out and they trapped him behind the fence and got him back where he belongs. I found the hole he got out of and had to fill that in. I started thinking about how many times in my life I have had close calls. How many times was my life spared because it wasn't my time. We never know when life is going to throw us a curveball. I think of my teenage years and all the stupid things I did. I'm so thankful that my Heavenly Father was watching over me. Since Kamber passed away it has made us all aware of the fact we never know what is around the corner. All I know today is that my little black rabbit is a lucky bunny.

It's a sad day!

It is a sad day today. Spencer and Annie took their boys back to Colorado this morning. We went over last night to say goodbye. I hate being a paradox because although I'm sad they left, I'm happy he is able to fulfill his dream of playing football in the NFL. I know he isn't quite sure what it is going to be like with the new coach and some new players, but I'm confident they will see the good player he is and use his talents to better the team. Life will go on and hopefully at some time in my life I will understand why my life has turned out the way it has. I guess if you do the same things over and over you will get the same results. Why would I think I could change things when doing the same things over and over again? I know nothing lasts forever so hopefully a change will come.

Thoughts and Prayers

Our family has been deeply saddened by the recent boat accident off the Florida coast involving two NFL players and two former college players. Spencer played football with Marquis Cooper at Highland and Annie ran track with him. We were talking about it this week and how sad we are for their families. It's almost like having a scab removed again. Although our situation is different, loss is loss. We have reflected on how we got to hold Kamber and dress her and say our final goodbyes. We got a little bit of closure. We can not imagine what these families are going through. Why did one survive while the others drifted away? Why was Kamber taken away from us? I was talking to a friend this week and said, "if I could just see where Kamber is I know I wouldn't want to bring her back." He said, "she is where she is suppose to be." I guess I need to have more faith that our Heavenly Father is in charge. This isn't really our home. We are just here for the experience of having a body and proving what choices we will make to return to him. Not all of us will have to lose a child or grandchild, but I am convinced we have to go through hard times to humble us and make us more like our Savior.

My Baby Is 25

Where did the time go? How is it that my youngest child is 25? Spencer was born on Sun. March 4, 1984. I went to Mesa Lutheran Hosp. at 4:00 a.m. and he was born at 5:04 a.m. I was lucky to have two darling girls and two handsome boys. I know everyone thinks their kids are the cutest, but Spencer was darling. The first thing I noticed about him when they brought him to me was the HUGE dimple in his chin. I remember how excited Grandma Greer was because her "daddy had the same chin." It has kind of moved to the side a little from being hit so many times in football, but I still think it's cute. Because Spencer is three years younger than Ethan we had three years alone before he went to school so I would take him everywhere with me. I remember one day taking him to Mervyns to shop. He was probably about 3 or 4 years-old. He was hiding under the clothes and turning the rounders and not being good. I picked him up and swatted his butt and scolded him, (okay, I probably cussed a little too). Anyway, when we got in the car I told him he was a bad boy to act like that in a store. The next time we ran errands and I told him we were going to Mervyns he said, "I don't want to go to Muvens, I don't do good at Muvens." He couldn't say his R's or L's so he said some really cute things. We never know when we get these little spirits from heaven what challenges we are going to have with them. I am thankful for all my experiences with my children. Some have not been fun. Some have been heartbreaking for us. But, we have been blessed through going through the trials. Everything I didn't want to have to go through raising four kids I got to experience, (well almost everything.) I wouldn't change any of it nor would I want any other children. The older I get the more I realize how lucky I am that my children survived having me as their mother. I'm thankful the Lord trusted me with these strong spirits.

Lunch With The Girls

Last year we decided that instead of giving birthday gifts we would just go out to lunch to celebrate. This is our second year going and it was fun to get out with just adults. We went to the Paradise Bakery and got sandwiches, soup and salads. Now that Linda has moved to Chandler I miss not seeing her and my nieces and nephews much. Julie lives three houses down, but with Len as the Stake President her life is way busy. It's weird to think that for thirty years I have been able to stay close and build relationships with my sister and sister-in-laws. I was a spoiled brat as a young girl, (some things never change). I didn't treat my sister very nice while we were growing up. She was way smart and studied hard only getting one "B" in her whole life. I loved my friends and boyfriends, sports and everyone else besides my family. We had early morning seminary and I hated getting up early. My sister Mell would turn the alarm on and then wake me up. I decided to turn the alarm off when I went to bed so she would be late to seminary. I hope I can be forgiven for that. When Kamber passed away Len and Julie went to the hospital to console Ethan and Jenn, I know that meant a lot to them. Then Linda and Julie organized all the pictures at the viewing and funeral. Julie also wrote the obituary, which was perfect. Everything they do is done with class and style. I appreciate everything they have done for me and our family. We are getting older and each of us have had our trials. I am so thankful for my sister and that my brothers were smart enough to pick some darling girls to marry.

Walking the Mall

I'm sad to say that my days of walking the mall are over. Yesterday Mindi and I spent three hours shopping the mall trying to use all her coupons she got for her birthday. We started out at Macy's and after going to Merle Norman, Just Sports, Victoria Secret, Bath and Body Works, Lane Bryant, The Children's Place and Dillards, I was done. My poor fat arthritic body was talking to me. I could barely make it to the car. I spent all last night in pain and after two Aleve and a Tylenol I was still hurting. So I just layed awake wondering how I have come to this place in my life. It was 1986 and I became pregnant with my fifth child. I had four children under the age of nine and wasn't that excited (that was an understatement) to be pregnant again. I couldn't believe I was pregnant and told the doctor I didn't feel the same this time. I wasn't feeling horrible like I usually did. Anyway, to make a long story short, I had a miscarriage at eleven weeks. The baby died sometime around eight weeks. It was traumatic for me because I had never lost a pregnancy before. I had four healthy children but that didn't really ease the pain. After this experience I started having some really strange symptoms. I didn't feel like myself. I was going through life oblivious to what was in store for me physically and mentally. We were having financial problems because Rich had quit his good job to go in business for himself. We didn't have any money and I worried all the time about how we were going to keep our house and feed our children. I remember my parents giving us money for food. Then I ended up having three surgeries and radiation on my thyroid for the second time. As I was awake last night I thought of some of the judgements I have made of others wondering why they acted and looked the way they did. One thing I have learned is that we never know what people are going through or what they have gone through to make them who they are. I am sure there are others who are saying "both my ores are not in the water." All I know is that I won't be doing the mall thing anytime soon.

Insomnia

Is it age, hormones, stress, or a combination of life that makes me not get a good night sleep? Rich says it's because I don't do enough during the day, so I'm not tired enough. Huh! For the last few months I've been waking up at 2:30a.m. each morning. I lay there awake until Rich gets up between 4:30 & 5:00a.m. before I finally get back to sleep. This is wearing me down. While I'm awake I just think of all the things I need to do the next day. I worry about money, my kids and grandkids, errands I need to do, housework and a bunch of other stuff. Last night was especially bad. Rich has been sick all week so all I did last night was lay there and listen to him breath. Then I worried that I was going to get the "creeping crud" and what I needed to do to keep away from him. So, I pulled the sheets up over my mouth and nose and prayed that I don't get sick. Three hours is a long time during the night to be awake, but it goes by really fast. I started thinking about how our lives have changed since Kamber returned to Heaven. How fast someone can be taken from us. How unprepared we were to go through a trial so hard. I have often said, "there isn't a scripture, a lesson, a conference talk, or testimony that can prepare you for the loss of an innocent child." I have often prayed that I could talk to her one last time. That I could tell her how much I love her and how special she is to us. Maybe she already knows, I sure hope so.

Boy are we spoiled!

The last couple of months have been really stressful for me. We have had a ton of birthdays and Valentine's Day also. It seems like all I did was clean and do housework and run errands. Today I decided to take a day off and go to Tristyn's club volleyball tournament in Phoenix. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. because I was worried I wouldn't get up in time to get my chores done, shower and get to the Salvation Army gym by 8:00 a.m. We left a little late but made it there half way through the first match. It was weird to be on the road on a saturday morning because that isn't my routine. The weather was beautiful and it was nice to just be out and about. After we watched the first game we ran to Walgreens to get a birthday gift for a party the boys were going to in the afternoon. We were on Broadway and around 16th street. Wow do I live in a lead mine. I felt so spoiled as we saw some of the people walking down the street. Some had all their possessions in a shopping cart, others were just carrying them in a few sacks. The homes were painted some really wild collors like pink, orange, and blue. I wondered, why do I have a nice home, a great family, the gospel, and so many blessings, and these people have nothing? I know they are our Heavenly Father's children also, but why is their life so hard? I have such gratitude for my parents, my husband and my children. It's too bad that I have to take a trip to South Phoenix to remind me just how good I have it.

Pathway of Discipleship

I am amazed at how fast my life seems to be moving. As I get older it seems like it takes longer to do the things I could breeze through a few years ago. Rich looked in the mirror in our bathroom the other night and said,"Wow, I feel like I have really aged the last few months." I said, "I think since Kamber died we have both aged a bunch." I've been reading a really good article by Elder Neal A. Maxwell called "The Pathway of Discipleship." He was a great Apostle that ended up getting leukemia and dying. Most of his stuff is WAY over my head, but a few things really stood out. We are here to develop divine attributes of love, mercy, patience, submissivenss, meekness, and purity. The only way we can get these is through our experiences; those trials we are asked to pass. "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."(D&C 122;7). He then goes on to say that by living the Gospel we will become more aware of situations where we can do good. I know I am surrounded by people who are trying to be disciples of Christ. The kindness of people around me continues to amaze me. The little notes in the mail, the calls, and the darling gifts I received honoring Kamber on her birthday last week will never be forgotten. Thank you all for caring about my feelings. I hope to become a better disciple of Christ myself.

Emotional Week

I can't believe another week has passed by. Life is turning into a whirlwind for us. We had Kamber's birthday celebration on Tues., a ward Valentine dinner last night, Trace's baptism today and we just got home from a dear friend's 65th birthday party. I have spent the most part of the last two weeks trying to clean house, decorate, and finish projects to prepare for this week. As I was sitting in the car with Troy on Fri. morning while Mindi ran in to Hobby Lobby I started having really bad anxiety. I felt totally overwhelmed with what was asked of me. I was to host 4-5 couples in my home for a ward party. I was having the whole family over for a luncheon after Trace's baptism. How could I possibly do that? I was feeling really bad about losing Kamber and not being able to come to grips with that loss. I have heard that when you start feeling that pressure, to start writing down all your blessings. So, I grabbed my purse and found a small slip of paper and started listing all the things I was grateful for. After writing down about 20 things on my paper I started feeling a little better. It took my mind off all the worries I had and I concentrated on the positive things going on in my life. I do have so many blessings. I have been told that I am a negative person, that I only see the bad in every situation. We had a great day today. I felt the spirit really strong. But I also felt the missing child that wasn't there with our family. I hope time will heal this hole in my heart.

Up and Down

Have you ever noticed how when you have a good day, a special day, whether it's Christmas, a wedding, a birthday, or even after Conference, you always seem to have a major letdown the next day? S0 went my day today. We had such a special day yesterday remembering Kamber on her birthday. We met at the cemetery in the late afternoon and wrote messages to her on little papers. We tied them to the balloons and let them go at the same time. We watched them until we couldn't see them anymore. Then we went to Ethan and Jenn's and had pizza, salad and birthday cake. When I was at the cemetery I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel her there. But when we got to the house for dinner, Jenn had a cute little list of things that Kamber likes. It was very emotional for me and I could feel her spirit really strong. Ethan and Jenn continue to amaze me with how strong they are. I know in their private time they struggle, but they are an example to me. As everyone knows, I love animals. I help a friend of mine rescue unwanted or found rabbits, birds and tortoises. Well, I had a little white rabbit that the other rabbits were beating up. They hurt his back and bit his tale until it was bleeding. So I made the decision to move him over into another pen with the tortoises. He was doing really well and yesterday he was hopping all around and looked happy. Well, this morning Rich came in to tell me that my little white rabbit had been killed and almost eaten by my dogs. The gate is broken and it hadn't been secured enough so they jumped over the barrier and killed him. I am smart enough to know that this is just a rabbit and there will be more where he came from, but it put me in a bad place for today. Life is hard. It is full of good times and bad. My Dad always says, "The sun will come up tomorrow." Rich says,"Some days are diamonds, and some are stones." Well, the sun will come up tomorrow, but today was a stone.

This is after we let all of the balloons go.

KAMBER'S BIRTHDAY!

What a wonderful day. We had a good storm last night and in Arizona that is always a treat. As I went out to feed my cat and water the plants on the front porch I thought of how pretty my flowers are getting and how much they must have loved the rain. When people come to the door they always say how good my flowers smell. I remember a few months ago when Rich and his guys were planting them. I had to go inside my house and have a good cry. But, it has almost been 7 months now and I think as a family we are moving closer towards acceptance. I believe that the Lord's hand is in everything. We can't pick and choose which experiences he has his hand in. People have been so kind to us. I have felt their prayers and I hope to be worthy to receive the spirit to help me. I just went out to get the mail and there was a note from some dear friends. It was a saying that Elder Wirthlin gave in the Oct. 2008 conference. He has since passed away. It says, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." I know that because of our love for Kamber it has changed who we are. I hope we can be among the faithful Elder Wirthlin was talking about. Happy Birthday precious Kamber, we will always remember and love you.

The Big Elephant

I was talking to a friend today and explaining how I feel about the big pink elephant sitting in my house. Maybe I don't have a pink elephant in my house, but I do have a dark cloud hanging over my head. It follows me everywhere I go. Sometimes the elephant leaves and the sun shines through the clouds, but most of the time they don't. My sister called and told me she and her husband have been asked to give a talk in church this week. The subject is "Surviving Spritual Hurricanes." She wanted to know if I had any insight on that. I sent over Rich's talk on "Gratitude for Adversity," and another talk by Brude Hafen. As I read that talk I realized that we can't show empathy and charity to others without going through some form of affliction, physical or mental first. I look around and there is suffering everywhere. I have a new understanding of suffering now. Elder Maxwell said "If we are serious about our discipleship, Jesus will eventually request each of us to do those very things which are most difficult for us to do." I hope someday to become a better Disciple.

Primary Spirit

Mindi and I have the amazing job of teaching the 10-11 year-old girls in Primary. This age is so special because they are still really innocent and not yet obnoxious, (well most of the time.) We are learning about the restoration of the gospel by Joseph Smith. I swear I learn more than they do. After Kamber passed away we took a month off from teaching. We didn't know whether we would be able to go back to Primary with all those little kids. I have to admit the first couple of weeks were hard. I would think, Kamber isn't ever going to be in a Sacrament Program, get baptised or give a talk. One night as I was having a "Kamber Moment" I was telling Rich about how hard it is for me to see all those kids and what she is missing. He then told me that she doesn't need to do any of that stuff. She is already promised the Celestial Kingdom. This month we are learning a new song. I have never heard it before. It is "The Family Is of God." When I woke up this morning the words to this song kept going through my mind. The words to the first verse are,"Our Father has a family, It's me! It's you, all others too: we are His children. He sent each one of us to earth, through birth, To live and learn here in families." The the chorus says,"God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be. This is how He shares His love, for the family is of God." I am so thankful that Kamber is part of our family. I don't know why she was taken home so soon, but I hope to live worthy to see her again.

My Father is 80!

Wow am I getting old. My Dad turned 80 on January 29, 2009. We had a party for him at Mi Amigos with over sixty family members attending. Ethan asked me how it felt to have my parents so old. I responded with " I thought they were old when I was a teenager and they were in their 30's." My Dad is a survivor. His father, my grandfather died when he was 2 days old from typhoid fever. That left my grandmother a widow and single mother at 20 years old. He had a very rough childhood with a stepfather and alcoholism a problem for he and his little sister. They lived in a small town in the White Mountains where he lived until coming to ASU on a basketball scholarship. He had a terrible football injury in high school that has given him trouble his whole life, but he is an avid golfer and in his prime a great basketball referee. In his golden years he has had two hip replacements, one knee replacement and is fighting a battle with prostate cancer. They gave him 18 months to live 6 years ago and the doctors can't believe how good he's doing. He didn't want us to make a big deal out of him reaching 80, but our kids and grandkids don't know how lucky they are to have a living grandfather and great-grandfather. I never knew either of my grandfathers so I'm happy my children and grandchildren know him. My Mom will turn 80 in November so we are going to pamper her so she can make it to that milestone also. We are so happy to still have them around. They are such a good example to us and we couldn't do it without their love and support.