Grandma's Birthday and Halloween

 I was feeling a little bit nostalgic this morning so I decided I would try and find some pictures of my kids on Halloween. I pulled two boxes full of pictures out and started looking. After spending a couple of hours I gave up. I found report cards, achievement certificates and pictures of everything else. I even found my diploma from ASU, but the  only pictures I found was one of Candi as a clown and one Trick or Treating at one of my dear friend Leonore's house. This one was specials because Leonore passed away this past summer. Today is a special day because it's my Grandma Fern's birthday. She was one of the kindest people I have ever known and one of the "Great Ones" in my life. I did find her funeral program that I've kept since she passed away in 1974 while I was a student at BYU. As I read over the program I saw that she was born in 1898 and passed away one month shy of her 76th birthday. I'm surprised that of all the kids and grandkids born, I don't think there is one that was born on Oct.31st. The baby I miscarried was due around that time, so I always think about her and the chance that I might have had a baby on her birthday. We are having a little family shower for Jenn tomorrow so I've been busy getting the quilts done for the twins. It is an exciting time for our family having two babies born at the same time is something I never imagined would happen to me. I know it is hard carrying two big babies but what a blessing to know they are healthy and growing normally. These next two weeks will be really important to ensure they get here safely, so extra prayers are being said for them. Tristyn just came home from school looking for a costume to wear to volleyball practice. All we could think of was the costume Candi got for me a few years ago. It fit her perfectly so I had to get a picture of her before she left. If I can't find any of my kids I guess I'll have to post some of the grandkids. Happy Halloween to everyone, tomorrow is November thank heavens.

Shopping and Sewing

I spent the weekend cleaning and sewing. I have so many quilts in different stages, that it stresses me out. I think I have a little ADHD because I would rather go in my sewing room and work on a new one before I have all the others finished. I did finally finish one I made for Trent. He turned eleven on the 10th of October so it's not too late. I bought some really colorful material with outer space and planets on it, but when Mindi mentioned it to him, he gave her that look. So I asked him what he wanted and of course it was sports. So I pulled out all my blue and red sport material and whipped him up a quilt. I've also been working on quilts for the twins. We are having a little family shower for Jenn on Saturday, so I've been shopping and sewing. I've been lucky to find two of almost everything and I know she's going to need lots of help. Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not out there helping her as she struggles with these last few weeks. I've gotten myself in a mess here with all these animals and responsibilities at home, it makes it hard to leave for any amount of time. This week is the end of volleyball season and Halloween and then next week I'll be busy picking and juicing pomegranates. So hopefully she can hang in there so I can go out to help. This is such a busy time of year but it's always so nice when it cools down. I'm not a big fan of Halloween because I'm not good at dressing up and costume wearing. Trulie wanted to be a witch so Mindi made her a cute little shirt, hat and broom. She continues to keep us all on our toes. She was bouncing on the trampoline with one of her brothers and fell on her arm and got a buckle fracture. It's healing well but she keeps taking her brace off and yesterday she was out again jumping with her brothers. I just say a prayer and hope she doesn't break anything else.

Homecoming and Twins

Last Thursday I got a call from Ethan asking me if I could go with Jenn to her ultrasound appointment again because he couldn't take time off from work. I'm so lucky to have a sweet daughter-in-law that would want me to be with her again. When she picked me up she was in pain and I was worried we may be heading to the hospital instead, but the pain was just the fact that she's got two big babies in there. As I looked at those precious spirits moving around, their hearts beating, I wondered how anyone could deny they are from God and these children are so loved by him. When the technician told us that Baby A is already 6 pounds and Baby B 5.4, I thought Jenn was going to faint on the table. No wonder she is having pains, she has over twelve pounds of babies and then when you add in the placentas and the extra blood, it's amazing she can even get around. I am so excited to see these little guys and get to know them. We still don't know if they are identical or just fraternal but either way we'll take them. On Saturday night Tristyn went to her first high school dance. It was Homecoming and even though she played in a volleyball tournament all day Friday and Saturday, she was still able to get ready and go. I wanted to take some pictures of her but her date was late arriving and I had hungry animals outside. By the time I finally got in they had come and gone but Mindi and Dave took some cute pictures of her. She is a typical teenager but has a really sweet spirit about her. I hope so much that she won't get caught up in all the drama when dealing with "mean girls" at school. It's been a long time since I was sixteen but I sure wish I could go back and have a do over. I wouldn't worry about what anyone thought about me and I would study harder and be more teachable. I was weird in high school and never really felt that I fit in. Maybe that's what everyone goes through during that awkward age. Anyway, we only get one chance at this mortal life and so I'm trying to make the best of it, even when it gets a little hard.

Keeping It Real

For the last couple of weeks I've been in a black hole. I've felt unloved and unappreciated. I think everyone goes through ups and downs in our lives even in the most perfect situations. This weekend in one of our discussions Rich told me again how negative I am. This isn't something new, I can be a Debbie Downer that's for sure. When he told me he has been asked many times how he deals with someone so negative I was hurt. He won't tell me who asked him but said, "maybe it's someone who reads your blog." I've been stewing about it all weekend and then this morning I decided I needed to write about my feelings. I started writing on this blog six years ago when Kamber drowned in the backyard pool of the dream home Ethan built by himself for his family. After that happened, the economy took a nose dive and we are lucky to save what we did and stay married due to the stress. The statistics of marriages lasting after the death of a child is very low and at times the grief has been so bad I would rather walk away than stay and fight it. Yesterday in church we had a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy give a really good talk. The thing that impressed me the most was his story on how much time we waste on things that don't matter. I could relate to the time I spend being mad at family members and retaliating against them. Then we got in to Relief Society and the lesson was how we need to LOVE everyone! That we need to pray for our enemies and those who we have a hard time with. That totally applies to me too. I love it when I go to church and can see myself in the lessons. Anyway, I have never been a good faker. I don't blow smoke and I tell it like it is. That gets me in trouble sometimes but it's part of me that needs some polishing. When I write on my blog I know sometimes I keep it too real. Maybe I share too much of my sadness and struggles. I know when I read back some of my posts it makes me feel so sad that I felt that way that day. So I'm asking anyone who reads my blog and is offended because of my honesty to please stop reading. Go to lds.org and read conference talks or listen to uplifting music. If what I write is too much negativity for you find someone else's blog to read. Those people who truly know me and love me understand what I'm going through and hopefully won't judge. So if you don't like what I write, please read something more uplifting.

Somewhere Far Away Someday

It seems like the last few months have been really hard for me. Besides fighting the oppressive heat, I feel like I've been fighting myself. I don't know if it's just normal as I age to become a little bit more confused about life, or just the way my life seems to be heading. I look back and try to find a place where it started. Was it my miscarriage, raising naughty teenagers, Kamber's passing or hip and knee surgeries? Whatever the reason, I guess it doesn't really matter. Life just seems to be one adversity after another. I was told recently that I'm such a negative person, it's a wonder anyone can deal with me. I think I live in reality, but maybe it is a constant state of negativity. I need to work on that and maybe reading some suggested Conference talks will help. A couple of days ago Mindi and I took the puppies and my two old labs to the vet. The puppies needed their first shots before we can send them to their new homes and my male needed his rabies vaccination and the female is having a hard time walking. The vet is always so nice and after giving the shots and some needed medication, we left.  I felt like I had been in a fight after getting those dogs home and back out to Ethan and Jenn's house. Candi, B.J. and the kids have been on a trip since Oct. 2. They will be coming home on Saturday and I can't wait to hear about their trip. I'm also missing Spencer and his family a lot. It's been almost a year since they have been here. I'm hoping that someday they will move closer so I can spend some time with them. Maybe they will take me on a trip with them, somewhere far away where it's nice and cool and happy. Then maybe the negativity will leave and I can see myself as the Savior does.

No More Funnel Cakes Please

Last weekend was such a doozy that I went to bed at 9:00 o'clock both nights, I was so tired. We had Troy's baptism on Saturday morning and then a carnival for the boys who each had a birthday last week. Mindi can't just do a simple birthday party, she has to go all out. She had booths for the kids to throw bean bags and rings, a jump house that looked like a castle and yummy food. I ate so much funnel cakes and Bahama Bucks that I was sick the rest of the day. During the baptism my cousin Barb and I were talking about how lucky Troy was to not only have his grandfather there, but also his great-grandfather. When we were growing up we didn't know either of our grandfathers because they had died before we were even born. I was so relieved that the weekend was over that I decided to make cinnamon rolls on Sunday. I know it's a day of rest, but I really felt with the cooler weather, I wanted to smell something that reminded me of Fall. It seems like every day there is another challenge. Today we are taking the puppies in for their shots and vet check, plus I have an old lab that needs his Rabies shot before he can get licensed. Another one is having a hard time walking so she needs to be seen too. Sometimes I wonder if all this stress and worry is worth it. I try and be a good person but obviously not good enough. I've been wondering lately at what point do you throw in the towel and give up? Anyway, life continues to prove this mortal life is kicking my backside, but someday it will be over and hopefully I can rest then.

"We Make Things So Complicated Now"

Every week I think will be a little bit easier but that never happens. Yesterday my sister and I went to Scottsdale to pick up my parents to go to lunch for her birthday today. She had to run a quick errand and when I got into the area where I grew up, I had such weird thoughts and feelings. I have been gone from there for almost forty years but sometimes I can still feel the feelings I felt as a child and teenager growing up there. It's hard to explain but it was real. We are so thankful that our parents can still live in their home and take care of each other and even drive themselves to places they need to go. I know how I feel at sixty-one, so I can only imagine how tired they are at eighty-five. Mindi has been driving herself crazy this week planning a baptism and birthday party tomorrow. As I talked to my Dad on the phone he said, "we sure make things complicated out of things that used so be so simple, but important. We did it and it was over, we never had a luncheon or party after being baptized and I can't ever remember even having a birthday party." It does seem like things have become way bigger than when even I was a kid. Tristyn had a volleyball game last night even though it was fall break. Jenn brought her kids to support her and it is was fun to see all the cousins playing together. They weren't that interested in the game and mainly just ate treats from the concession stand and played. Jenn looks great for expecting twins in six weeks. Hopefully she will be able to keep them in until they are healthy enough to breath on their own and not have to stay in the hospital. Today is Trent's birthday and he turned eleven. My grandkids are growing up way to fast and it's sad to think Tristyn will be leaving for college in two years. She's going to Homecoming next week so this coming week will be another stressful week. I'm ready for a vacation, a trip to the beach or somewhere I can get more than six hours of sleep. I hate that I'm turning into an old person, but I guess the other option is to die and I'm not quite ready for that yet, I hope.

"His Mercy is the Mighty Healer"

The weekend went by way to fast and now we are enjoying the kids home for Fall Break. It has actually been really nice to have them home to help me a little bit. By 8:00 a.m. I already had the animals fed and my aquariums cleaned out. When you have three boys to help, it sure is easier. It seems like listening to Conference makes me have a let down every time. I enjoy listening to the words of wisdom but at some point it does make me feel like I'm sure not hitting the mark most of the time. If I could understand one Gospel principle better it would be the Atonement. I still can't comprehend how the Savior can make everything better. I have struggled for a long time with feelings of not being good enough and some family members make sure they remind me often. Sometimes when I feel like I've had enough, I still don't know how to repent, forgive, and move on. When I heard President Packer say, "HIS mercy is the mighty healer," I wondered why the death of Kamber is still so painful. The hole in my heart hasn't been repaired and probably never will. Last night as I struggled to fall asleep I heard a voice that said, "Just do the best you can and that's good enough." Maybe that was just a thought that went in to my mind but after that I fell asleep for a few hours. One thing I did learn from the talks is that this mortal life wasn't suppose to be easy and we shouted for joy when we heard we were coming down to get our body and be tested. Sometimes I wonder why I was so excited for that, living in this mortal body hasn't been a cake walk for me. Anyway, the sun will come up tomorrow and my quilts will still be there to work on. I also have two birthdays and a baptism this week, so I need to get myself together and have hope for the future.

Enjoying Life Alone

It's already Friday again and I wonder where the days have gone. Rich left for Utah yesterday to spend some time with his family and attend his missionary reunion. Candi, B.J. and their boys left for a trip back East, seeing the historical sights and will be gone for over two weeks. Little old me is staying home enjoying a quiet home and empty bed. I have gone with Rich a few times to Utah but when you travel with him it feels more like the "Amazing Race" instead of a vacation, so I prefer staying home. I eat and do whatever I want and spend whatever I can get my hands on. I try and spend what I think his trip costs, isn't that fair? I can buy a lot of clothes, chocolate and fabric for the cost of an airline ticket. We usually treat ourselves to Outback Steak, just to celebrate the occasion. This next week is Fall Break for the kids and we are hopefully going to make some progress in the mowing and cleaning up department. We also have a family get together on Saturday to celebrate the Baptism of Troy who turned eight on October 1st. Sometimes I can get myself so riled up about the future. It seems like from here on out until after the holidays life is so busy. I've finally got the box ready to send to Spencer for his kids for Dane's birthday and some things for the kids for Halloween. I'm also trying to collect items Jenn will need for the twins. Just thinking about that is overwhelming and I'm not the one doing all the work, I'm just the grandma. I am looking forward to listening to Conference all weekend, even though sometimes it is overwhelming I love feeling the spirit when I listen to the talks and music. It's going to be a good weekend.