Post Op and a 24 Hour Visit

This week was crazy with two doctors appointments and a 24 hour visit from Spencer. On Tuesday I went to my after surgery appointment with my surgeon. I had already taken the stitches out because they were pulled so tight over my knee it felt like I was being stung by a bee all day. I thought he would be mad but he wasn't concerned at all. I asked him to give me his honest opinion if he thought my knee would be well enough for me to travel to California next week. He said, "Oh Yeah, you should be fine." I told him that I can sure tell a difference in having surgery at sixty-one and the one he did when I was thirty-four. My knee has been so stiff and sore and so bruised it is a dark shade of purple. When Spencer got here on Wednesday he did a treatment on me and massaged the bruises. He really is a thoughtful son and wants me to feel better. He was only here for a short time going up to Young to speak at a scout encampment meeting Wednesday evening. They got home really late that night so we only had a few hours on Thursday morning to visit. He took me shopping for some pants to wear to the beach and then we went to Serrano's for Mexican Food. I never did get to go out for my birthday, so this was a little get together for that. My sister Mell came and so did my parents, Candi, B.J. and their boys and me. Spencer had to be back to the airport to catch a flight to Denver at 4:00 p.m. so he's gone now until I see him sometime in the future. They love living in Boston but all I can do is just hope and pray that someday they will move back home. It sure was fun having him around, even if it was only 24 hours. I have had a stupor of thought all week about my ability to travel with my surgically repaired knee. I want to go so bad and I have been looking forward to this trip since I got home last year. I don't want to be a burden to my family while I'm there and I will probably need a lot more help getting up the stairs and walking in the sand at the beach. Do I go, or do I just stay home where it would be much easier? This is probably my one and only chance to get out of the heat for the next five months, but am I well enough to go? When I'm awake in the night I try and figure it out in my mind, going through all the different scenarios of what could happen. Hopefully by Monday when I start packing, I will have received an answer to my prayers. If not I will just have to go on faith and hope everything works out. Sometimes life just seems too hard for me and I'm tired of fighting these feelings and indecision.

No "Do Overs" For Me,

I've spent the last month hobbling around on crutches because of a knee injury I suffered when I was twenty-two years old. After having surgery last Monday, I've been mostly convalescing in bed and trying to not lose what little brain power I have. It's hard not to go in to the depths of hell when faced with a health problem or injury. I have thought a lot lately about how I wish I could go back in time and have a "do over." I wonder what changes I would make if I knew what I know now. Maybe nothing, but I think I would make some way better choices. I would study really hard in school and not worry about my friends and stuff that wouldn't matter later on in life. I would take better care of myself and not put everyone ahead of myself. On Sunday we went to the cemetery to decorate the graves of our loved ones who have passed on to the other side. Because my knee is swollen three times and it's black and blue, not to mention I can't walk, I decided to just stay and visit with my Dad who hasn't walked the cemetery path for a long time now. There we sat, me in a chair and him in the truck, under a tree in one of the most peaceful places I know. I can't even remember what we talked about but it was nice to just have some one on one time with him. He hasn't always been a hero to me but we have mended the fences and now I just have pure love for him. When I went to the doctor today for my check up I asked him if he thought that by next week I would be feeling better. He shook his head and said, "oh yea, you will be way better by next week." So it looks like I'll be spending the rest of this week getting all my ducks in a row and packing for a trip to the beach. Last year I made a decision that I would work really hard so this year would be more fun. I was going to lose some weight and get a nice tan before we even left. Well, things didn't quite work out that way for me, just like always, but I'm determined to have fun with my kids and grand kids. Ethan and his family are going too, so I will have two of my kids and seven of my grand kids to have fun with. Even if I'm not skinny and tan and beautiful, I'm still me, and I love my family, that's all I can give them.

A Wonderful Birthday!

I had a wonderful day yesterday. After spending three days in bed taking meds and putting ice on my swollen knee, it was good to get up and out of the house. I had a dear friend and my sister come visit me in the morning. I had lots of phone calls and cards. As Mindi and I were heading out to get lunch with Candi and her in-laws it felt so weird to be outside in the sunlight. I know that when you go under anesthesia it messes with your brain. I kind of felt like I've had an "out of body" experience. It seems like my life stops, while everyone else just keeps on plugging along. Rich works harder than ever when I'm down, there isn't anytime to sit and hold my hand when there's work to do, and I wouldn't expect that of him. Anyway, after we got home from lunch I went in my room to lie down and take a nap. I was just drifting off to sleep when the doorbell rang. Here I was without any pants on trying to get to the door on crutches, while slipping on some shorts. It was one of our home teachers bringing me a red rose. After they left my three cousins came by and brought me some candy. While they were visiting, my other home teacher came by and brought ice cream and yummy cinnamon bread. Did I mention I've gained five pounds this week since my surgery? When they left it was time to feed the critters, so Trent and I went out to do our nightly chores. When I came back in my Brother Len and his wife Julie came bringing me a card and a bath bomb, that I will use when my stitches are out. When Rich finally got home he was wondering where dinner was. Nothing really sounded good but we finally decided to get some pizza and salad. So after that my birthday was over for another year. When I went to bed I had such a feeling of gratitude. I am so thankful for my friends and family who really made me feel loved. I know I don't deserve it but it means so much to me, everyone that remembered me, I love you all. Thanks again!

50/50 Chance of Success from Surgery

I spent most of Monday afternoon in La La Land. When I got home from surgery my Mom made me some soup and my sister poured me some Ginger ale for my nausea and I was "out of it." I spent yesterday trying to get my bearings and keep my leg elevated and iced. At 11:15 last night Mindi texted me from her house asking if I ever made it out to feed the animals. I don't know what planet she's on but I guess she hadn't noticed I never left the house and only came out of my bedroom a couple of times during the day. I know she is stressed out with her five kids and the end of school but she sure spaced it out that the animals needed to be fed. So this morning when I woke up at 5:00 a.m. I was worried about how hungry the critters were, so I recruited Trent to go help me get them fed. I threw in a load of laundry, started my dishwasher, ate breakfast and back to the bed I went. I hope if I ever get sick enough to be bedridden the good Lord will just take me home. It's no fun to spend hour after hour alone in a darkened room staring at the t.v.. The surgeon found a lot wrong in my knee. Torn meniscus, no ACL, my kneecap is messed up and I'm sure there is more I didn't understand. When I got home my family told me the doctor had said he only thinks I have a 50/50 chance that what he did would solve my problem. Darn It! I've been a little discouraged because the next step if this doesn't help is a knee replacement, something I don't want to endure, but will probably someday be in my future. All that competitive sporting events in my life have taken a toll on my joints. I have struggled with hip and knee injuries for a long, long time and now that I'm heading into my sixties the future looks a little bleak. Tomorrow I will be able to take the bandages off and take a shower. I've been putting a garbage bag over my leg because there is no way I'm waiting three days for a shower. Tomorrow is my birthday so I will be glad to get all the bandages off and have a nice hot shower. It's pretty sad when all you want for your birthday is a hot shower and to be able to walk without crutches. Hopefully next year will be better, but the way my life's going, who knows what I'll be doing next year as I'm approaching 62.

Rich Turns Sixty, Surgery

I'm getting ready to head to the hospital for surgery on my knee. I thought I would stay up until midnight and drink as much as possible so I could get hydrated because "nothing to eat or drink after 12:00."  Well that backfired on me being up seven times in the night between midnight and 6:00 going to the bathroom. Sometimes I wonder why I even try because now I'm so tired, maybe that's a good thing. I just wanted to give a shout out to Rich because today he joins us senior citizens. He turned 60 this morning at 5:00 a.m. His phone was ringing early and he usually just spends his birthday working as hard and fast as he can, good thing he likes his job. Anyway, I'm hoping and praying that everything goes well and I can find some answers to my inability to walk without crutches. Hopefully I will feel good enough to eat a piece of birthday cake tonight. His birthday present to himself was going to Ethiopia, a once in a lifetime experience that he would do again. I'm thankful for my family who put up with me and help me through the hard times. Hopefully this surgery will improve my life and I will be well enough to go to the beach in two weeks. But if not I will be enjoying the summer sweltering in the heat, sounds divine.

Countdown To Surgery

I've spent this week getting ready to have surgery next Monday. I went to the doctor on Tuesday for an EKG and found out my heart is normal. So those who think I have a "cold heart" are wrong. Then off we went for the blood work. I haven't heard anything about that, so I guess that's normal too. Then yesterday morning I went to get a chest X-ray. There again the technician mentioned, "at least you have a heart." I haven't heard yet if that was normal but I guess if it wasn't, I would get a call. I have felt at peace about having surgery, I guess because the same surgeon did this same surgery twenty-four years ago. Yesterday the hospital called to ask me some questions. Are you married? What's your religious affiliation? Do you have a living trust? By now I'm starting to get anxiety. Are you an organ donor? Do you have diabetes? As he was asking questions my insecurities kicked in. I know they have to ask all these questions, and every time you have surgery there is a risk. At some point the risk is worth taking in order to hopefully improve your life. The older I get the more I realize that every thing I do is a risk, a choice, and a challenge. It seems like everywhere around me there are people who are suffering. I just got a text that my sister is with her husband at the hospital because he almost cut off one of his fingers. What! I don't know what he was doing that would cause him to take a whack out of his finger but I will find out soon. All I know is that I'm laying low until Monday when I will be having my own little crisis and hopefully I can get another few years out of this poor arthritic knee. Otherwise I may just be staying home from the beach which would be sad, but not the end of the world.

Special Mother's Day

I had a wonderful Mother's Day. I not only have the "Best Mother Ever", but my kids are pretty special too. On Saturday Ethan brought me by a beautiful bouquet of lavender roses, and lilies. He is my son with the biggest heart and kindest soul. Church was good with the usual, predictable talks about mothers and just how special they are. I think I must be maturing because I didn't have the same emotions of regret and  sadness this year. I just had such gratitude that I still have my mother and that I was able to be a mother. I still think that most mothers do their absolute best at loving and nurturing their children but wow, sometimes you think you aren't going to make it through those teenage years. We had lots of extended family over for ice cream and treats. The oldest grandchild will be graduating from high school this year and we found out we will be having our eighteenth grandchild in December. Sometimes the blessings just keep coming, but with them always comes the adversities. I got a call on Friday that my insurance has approved my surgery on my knee. She wanted to schedule it for June 2, but when I told her I was going to the beach that day, she gave me Monday the 19, Rich's 60th birthday. How could I turn that down, especially when he can do whatever he wants that day. So this week will be filled with tests that are required before surgery. I will have an EKG tomorrow and then a chest X-ray and blood work on Wednesday. If I pass those I will be sleeping like a baby on Monday morning and hopefully will get some answers to why I'm having trouble walking. Then I only have two weeks to recover before I will be laying on the beach in Huntington smelling the salty air and enjoying the ocean. Say a prayer for me, I'm hoping for a speedy recovery.

"The BEST Mother Ever"

I have to be honest when I say that I will be glad when this weekend is over. I'm tired of hearing all the advertisements for Mother's Day presents. They want you to buy everything from chocolate covered strawberries to flowers and just about anything else. I was talking to my sister about it the other day and she said that she thinks so many mother's struggle with Mother's Day because of their own insecurities when it comes to raising children. When I mentioned this to my cousin, who has never been married or had children, she said, "I love Mother's Day, it's one of my most favorite holidays." I couldn't believe it, so I said, "WHY?" She then said, "because I had the BEST Mother ever, and her Mother, our dear Grandma, was the best Mother too." After hearing her tell me how much she loved this blessed day, I decided I needed to change my attitude. I too have the best Mother ever. They were sisters and even though they were different, they were both wonderful. There have been times when I have scolded my Mom because she didn't give me the right DNA. She didn't pass on her genes for being sweet, kind, forgiving, faithful and skinny. She always apologizes for the skinny thing and just tells me I take after my Dad. Darn It! I am well aware of the fact that I'm not the same person I was forty years ago. Life has a way of  kicking you in the head and changing who you are. At times I wish I had made different decisions but that never helps anything, just makes me more sad. So this Sunday I'm going to have the family over to honor my Mother. We are going to have banana splits, ice cream sundaes and as much sugar as the kids and grand kids can eat. We are going to celebrate this blessed day not because I was a great mother, but because I had the BEST Mother ever.

"Did We Really Shout For Joy?"

Yesterday when I was talking to my sister on the phone about some family issues she said, "I can't believe that we really shouted for joy about coming here to earth." Being an LDS family we were taught that we lived in Heaven before this Earthy experience and when we die we will then return where we came from. Lately it seems like the sooner I can make that transition the better. Eight weeks ago we had a litter of puppies born to our dog, Pansy. Mindi and I have been trying to make a little business breeding these beautiful English Golden Retrievers. They are expensive dogs and I wouldn't be able to afford one, but obviously there are people who can. Anyway, we had ten puppies born and one of the little females got sick and passed away a few weeks ago. Last Friday we noticed that one of the males was not acting right and brought him in the house, took him to the vet where they gave us some medicine and an IV bag to keep him from dying. We spent all weekend tending to him and dealing with the mess he made. By yesterday he hadn't eaten in several days, so back to the vet we went where they tested him again for Parvo, which is a deadly virus that puppies can get. It makes them have vomiting and diarrhea and that's what we dealt with all weekend.  The vet could tell there was something wrong with his intestines so we decided to take the chance and operate on him. I hate being in this situation where the dog is going to die if you don't do something, but the dog could still pass away. In the afternoon we got a call from the clinic and he made it out of surgery but passed away while trying to come out of surgery, he was so weak and it was a long shot, we knew. We buried him next to his sister and hope and pray none of the others get it. We do have another one that is showing some symptoms but he's not as bad. I just don't seem to ever get a break. If it's not sick pets it's other problems. I hope someday I can truly know that I shouted for joy when I knew I would get a body and come experience all that life has, but some days I wonder.

MRI Survived, Torn ACL

It seems like every week there is a new challenge. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me or if everyone's life is the same. My darling cousin Barb came and took me to get my MRI on Wed. She is a nuclear med tech at the company where I had my scan done. Her Dad was killed in an airplane accident when she was four years old, so she's been more like a sister to me. Our Mother's are sisters and they lived with us for a little while after her Dad died. I knew it would be hard to have this test done so I brought her for moral support and she sat right at the side of the table and we talked during the whole test. Wow, what a difference that made having someone I love and respect so much being there for support. One of the doctors at the imaging place is in my ward. I adore him and his wife and she is our Relief Society President. So this morning I called to ask if she could have him call me and tell my what the report was on my knee. It's funny how sometimes I receive inspiration and I know what I hear but then when I hear it from someone else it makes so much more sense. I injured my knee playing volleyball when I was around twenty years old. I had another surgery on it in 1987 and have been lucky to have made it this long without major surgery. Anyway, I guess my ACL is torn, in fact they couldn't even see it on the scan. Spencer injured his while playing football in college but he was young and had a bright future ahead of him. So, here I am again wondering what to do. I need some more of that good ole inspiration and the advice of my trusted surgeon to see what my future will bring. Either way it looks like my trip to the beach this summer is going to be put on hold. Either way it wouldn't be fun to go on crutches, and if I do have surgery the recovery time will be longer than a month I'm sure. Life goes on, there will be other opportunities for me I hope, but for now all I want is to go in my sewing room and make a quilt, maybe after I eat a Peanut Buster Parfait, yea that will make it all better.