String of Bad Luck

What a week! It seems like the older I get the faster time goes by and the harder it is to get things done. This week has been especially hard on me because of the 100 degree temps. I've also had some really bad luck with things breaking down. I have a pond with big koi fish in it. Rich built it for me a few years ago. It has two pumps, one that sends water up to the waterfall and the other into a filter box. The fish love to get under the cascading water and it helps put air in the water for them. Well, that's been broken for a couple of weeks while we've been waiting for parts. We finally got it going again and when I went out yesterday it wasn't working again. I put my sheets in the washer and left for a ward breakfast and came back to the washer full of sheets and water but wouldn't turn on. I had to pull those king-size sheets out of the water and haul them down to Mindi's, so now I need a new washer. We also have a broken down lawn mower that Rich is trying to fix, (he would rather spend money fixing old things than getting new.) Last night as I was making my last batch of caramel popcorn for primary sharing time today, I was so tired I could hardly walk. I was thinking about everything that was broken in my life. ("That's because I'm a negative person"). Sometimes I feel emotionally broken. The stress of trying to be a good wife, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, visiting teacher, primary teacher, and animal collector is a bit overwhelming. Then I realized that the biggest thing broken is my heart. I am not or will never be okay with the drowning of my sweet Kamber. I will try for the rest of my life to heal this broken heart. Sometimes I can put it in the back of my brain, but for me this has been devastating. There is nothing to prepare you for the untimely loss of a young child. My spirit tells me she's happy and in a good place, but my natural man is angry and bitter. Life goes on, and the "sun came up" again this morning. Maybe that's what life is all about, trying to fix all the broken things in our lives.

Questions for God

I have been wondering a lot lately about where my life is and how I got here. The talk on Sunday was about the three questions missionaries ask, "where did I come from? What am I doing here? And where am I going?" One of my questions is why would our Heavenly Father, who says he loves us, send us down to a place that he knew was ugly, dangerous, and full of temptation? It seems like since Kamber passed away we have found everything we could to read on adversity. There are many promises given that are suppose to help but sometimes that just isn't enough. I've been reading a book called "The Power of Adversity." It is just pages of different quotes about adversity. One of the little quotes is by Marvin J. Ashton. He talks about the different crosses we bear. Some of the crosses we bear are: the cross of loneliness; the cross of physical limitations; the cross of poor health; the cross of success; the cross of transgression; the cross of temptation; the cross of beauty, fame, or wealth; the cross of criticism; the cross of peer rejection... Then he says God has made a promise to us to "Carry your crosses with strength, with purpose, and while you do, count the blessings of God's strength." I guess I need to pick up my cross and drag it along the way and hopefully think of all my blessings today.

33 Years Together

Today is mine and Rich's anniversary. I know he would probably say,"I've spent 33 years with the wrong woman." Wow! where do I even start talking about our life together. I have been thinking a lot this week about how hard it is to make our marriage work. My nephew Evan is getting married tomorrow and I am so excited for him, but wouldn't want to start over. We have had some great times, the birth of four healthy children, and twelve grandchildren. But like every other family we have also had some really bad times. The most recent being the death of darling Kamber last summer. Rich has so many good qualities. He's a really hard worker and a great provider. He grew up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic family, but by being obedient and going on a mission his life has been blessed. He loves the gospel and the people he serves and he loves his family. He is always looking for ways to make others lives better and happier. Our marriage hasn't been a bed of roses but we have stayed together despite our differences (and there are a lot of them). We never know how much time we will have on this earth but I hope we will have many more years together. I feel like the love you have when you first get married is nothing compared to the love you have for someone you have experienced lifes most sacred times with, and the hardest trials. Happy Anniversary Dewey, I LOVE YOU!

What a Weekend!

I had a friend call me this morning and ask me if I still had my"Easter Hangover?" Oh, is that what my problem is? Last week was a blurrrr and I'm always glad when I survive a busy one. We took care of Tayler, Kylie and Brookie from Thurs, to Sat. while Ethan and Jenn were in Las Vegas. The girls were so good and we had a lot of fun, but seven kids is a lot. After they left on Saturday, we had to run some errands and get groceries for Easter dinner. We had a nice day yesterday, church was good and our dinner was even better. This Easter I felt different about the message I heard and the lesson we taught in Primary. I've always had a testimony, but I have to say that since Kamber passed away it has changed who I am. I can't really explain it, but I feel different. The Atonement means more to me now than it ever has and my eyes have been open to the fact we are all going to die. Just like we all lived in the spirit world before we were born, we are not going to live forever on this earth. In the lesson yesterday, we taught that death is a wonderful thing, and that because of the Savior we will all be resurrected. After we had dinner we went to the cemetary to put some flowers and a basket of Easter eggs on Kamber's grave. I never thought I would be spending Christmas, Easter and many other holidays at the cemetary. I have to say that there is a special spirit there. The closeness it brings to our family is amazing. There were so many other people there honoring their family members who have passed on. It was a nice ending to the Easter season.

Grandchildren Everywhere

Mindi and I have had the Larsen sisters over while Ethan and Jenn went with some of their friends to Las Vegas for the weekend. We picked the girls up on Thursday afternoon and their other Grandma Madeline is picking them up later today to have them home for the Easter Bunny. We have had fun with them and they have been really good, but I know now why you are supposed to have children while you are young. I haven't been able to take my afternoon nap or watch Oprah and Dr. Phil but I'm not complaining. Last evening as I was out doing my chores, feeding the rabbits, fish, turtles and birds the kids were all out jumping on the trampoline and digging in the sand. Troy always wants to help me (which takes me twice as long). I had the hose on and I was trying to put some water in the pond and water my plants when he grabs the hose and says,"I do it." I usually fight him for the hose but I was too tired so I just let him have that one and went and got another hose. After he filled the rabbit's food with water I decided to go in the house and get the carrots for my two baby rabbits. As we were walking back out to feed them I became frustrated with how long it was taking me to do my chores. I then had the thought that I needed to enjoy all the time I have with him and that I would give anything to have Kamber here with us. If I would have known we only had 2 1/2 years with her how much more I would have enjoyed her and cherished every second with her. You never know how much you love someone until they are taken from you. Anyway, this is Kamber's first Easter in Heaven. Having a grandchild pass away makes the Atonement much more meaningful to me.

Three Birthdays

Tyton in October for family pictures.

Ethan and Brookie at the Turkey Trot.

What a busy week we have had. We celebrated Brookies' birthday on Friday, Ethan's on Monday and I think they celebrated Tyton's yesterday in Denver by going to the zoo. Today is Ethan's 28th birthday. During the night Rich was up irrigating, we always have the best times, 1:00-4:00 am. It's never a restful night when he's in and out checking the water, but last night was even worse. When he took his irragation boots off and came in the bedroom he woke me up. I started thinking about the day Ethan was born. I was huge and so unconfortable I swore I wasn't going to spend one more day pregnant. I took matters in my own hands and induced myself. I went out and mowed our backyard, cleaned my house and then Rich mixed me up a cocktail of orange juice and castor oil. That night I woke up with terrible contractions so I called my Mom who lives in Scottsdale and told her to come quick. I don't know why it took her so long but I was pacing in our driveway. By the time we finally got to the hospital I was totally ready to deliver. I think I was there only ten minutes and the nurses were trying to help me deliver but the cord was wrapped around his neck. The doctor stepped in the room and cut the cord and he was delivered all 9lbs.7ozs. I thought he was so little but the doctor said, "this is a big baby!" Because the cord was around his neck his head was blue for a few days. They took him in the nursery and gave him some oxygen before I was able to hold him. It's good the Lord lets us forget how hard it is to birth these babies or mothers would only have one child. If a man had to go through childbirth they wouldn't be able to handle the pain. We never knew what we were having back in the "olden days" so we sure were happy to have a little fellar. We are so proud of Ethan, he's a good husband, a loving father and has a heart of gold. Sometimes he acts like a tough guy and trys to get me going by squeeling his tires and trying to run me down, but we love him to death. Happy Birthday Ethan!

Celebrating Brookie

Brookie at one year birthday.

Kamber at two year birthday.

Yesterday was Baby Brookie's first birthday. As we were getting ready during the day to go out to Ethan and Jenn's for her party I thought about when Jenn was pregnant with her. They were on their way down to find out what they were having. I was positive that the baby was a boy because I felt Heavenly Father knew they had three girls and a boy would be necessary. When Ethan called and said it was another girl I called him a liar and a few other names and then he assured me it was another baby girl. Little did we know that three months after the birth of that beautiful baby, her sister Kamber would be taken away from our family. At Kamber's 2nd birthday Jenn had a huge colored flower on her head. When I saw it I said, "wow Jenn, couldn't you find a bigger flower to put in her hair?" We all laughed and I didn't think anymore about it until we were looking at pictures of Kamber for the video for her funeral. Now that is one of my very favorite pictures of her. I am so thankful for Brookie. I know she doesn't know the role she is playing in our family. She hasn't replaced Kamber, but everytime we see her it reminds us of Kamber. She has a lot of the same little looks and mannerism as her sister, and in a way that takes some of the sting away. I know that she has helped Jenn because it has made her get up everyday and take care of her. I know Kamber is watching and loves Brookie like we do.

The Easter Pagent

Last night we went down to the Temple to watch the Easter Pagent. We don't go every year but this year I felt I needed to go. We only go on the night of the dress rehearsal because any other night is crazy with the crowds and trying to find a place to park. Rich got there early and saved a place for my Mom to park and Mindi and her boys and I got there right as it was starting. As the angels appeared on the top of the set I started to cry. I could feel the spirit and it touched me. The pagent is basically the Savior's life from birth to the resurrection. It is stories told by people who lived while he was on the Earth. I especially loved the part when they bring lots of little children up to him and he picks them up and you can just feel his love for the them. There was one little girl that had long blonde hair and her parents were carrying her up to see Christ so she could be healed. As he took her in his arms it felt as though he was holding Kamber and I began to cry again. I was using my socks to wipe the tears and I was hoping I wouldn't totally lose control. I was thinking that he had the power to save Kamber and keep her here, but he chose not to. I found myself asking "why?" again. As I was talking to Mindi today about the Pagent, she said,"when he picked the little blonde girl up in the purple dress I felt it was Kamber." I'm so glad I went and so thankful that Rich went with me. I know he was tired but he got there early and saved us a spot and I appreciate that.