Walking the Mall

I'm sad to say that my days of walking the mall are over. Yesterday Mindi and I spent three hours shopping the mall trying to use all her coupons she got for her birthday. We started out at Macy's and after going to Merle Norman, Just Sports, Victoria Secret, Bath and Body Works, Lane Bryant, The Children's Place and Dillards, I was done. My poor fat arthritic body was talking to me. I could barely make it to the car. I spent all last night in pain and after two Aleve and a Tylenol I was still hurting. So I just layed awake wondering how I have come to this place in my life. It was 1986 and I became pregnant with my fifth child. I had four children under the age of nine and wasn't that excited (that was an understatement) to be pregnant again. I couldn't believe I was pregnant and told the doctor I didn't feel the same this time. I wasn't feeling horrible like I usually did. Anyway, to make a long story short, I had a miscarriage at eleven weeks. The baby died sometime around eight weeks. It was traumatic for me because I had never lost a pregnancy before. I had four healthy children but that didn't really ease the pain. After this experience I started having some really strange symptoms. I didn't feel like myself. I was going through life oblivious to what was in store for me physically and mentally. We were having financial problems because Rich had quit his good job to go in business for himself. We didn't have any money and I worried all the time about how we were going to keep our house and feed our children. I remember my parents giving us money for food. Then I ended up having three surgeries and radiation on my thyroid for the second time. As I was awake last night I thought of some of the judgements I have made of others wondering why they acted and looked the way they did. One thing I have learned is that we never know what people are going through or what they have gone through to make them who they are. I am sure there are others who are saying "both my ores are not in the water." All I know is that I won't be doing the mall thing anytime soon.

Insomnia

Is it age, hormones, stress, or a combination of life that makes me not get a good night sleep? Rich says it's because I don't do enough during the day, so I'm not tired enough. Huh! For the last few months I've been waking up at 2:30a.m. each morning. I lay there awake until Rich gets up between 4:30 & 5:00a.m. before I finally get back to sleep. This is wearing me down. While I'm awake I just think of all the things I need to do the next day. I worry about money, my kids and grandkids, errands I need to do, housework and a bunch of other stuff. Last night was especially bad. Rich has been sick all week so all I did last night was lay there and listen to him breath. Then I worried that I was going to get the "creeping crud" and what I needed to do to keep away from him. So, I pulled the sheets up over my mouth and nose and prayed that I don't get sick. Three hours is a long time during the night to be awake, but it goes by really fast. I started thinking about how our lives have changed since Kamber returned to Heaven. How fast someone can be taken from us. How unprepared we were to go through a trial so hard. I have often said, "there isn't a scripture, a lesson, a conference talk, or testimony that can prepare you for the loss of an innocent child." I have often prayed that I could talk to her one last time. That I could tell her how much I love her and how special she is to us. Maybe she already knows, I sure hope so.

Boy are we spoiled!

The last couple of months have been really stressful for me. We have had a ton of birthdays and Valentine's Day also. It seems like all I did was clean and do housework and run errands. Today I decided to take a day off and go to Tristyn's club volleyball tournament in Phoenix. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. because I was worried I wouldn't get up in time to get my chores done, shower and get to the Salvation Army gym by 8:00 a.m. We left a little late but made it there half way through the first match. It was weird to be on the road on a saturday morning because that isn't my routine. The weather was beautiful and it was nice to just be out and about. After we watched the first game we ran to Walgreens to get a birthday gift for a party the boys were going to in the afternoon. We were on Broadway and around 16th street. Wow do I live in a lead mine. I felt so spoiled as we saw some of the people walking down the street. Some had all their possessions in a shopping cart, others were just carrying them in a few sacks. The homes were painted some really wild collors like pink, orange, and blue. I wondered, why do I have a nice home, a great family, the gospel, and so many blessings, and these people have nothing? I know they are our Heavenly Father's children also, but why is their life so hard? I have such gratitude for my parents, my husband and my children. It's too bad that I have to take a trip to South Phoenix to remind me just how good I have it.

Pathway of Discipleship

I am amazed at how fast my life seems to be moving. As I get older it seems like it takes longer to do the things I could breeze through a few years ago. Rich looked in the mirror in our bathroom the other night and said,"Wow, I feel like I have really aged the last few months." I said, "I think since Kamber died we have both aged a bunch." I've been reading a really good article by Elder Neal A. Maxwell called "The Pathway of Discipleship." He was a great Apostle that ended up getting leukemia and dying. Most of his stuff is WAY over my head, but a few things really stood out. We are here to develop divine attributes of love, mercy, patience, submissivenss, meekness, and purity. The only way we can get these is through our experiences; those trials we are asked to pass. "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."(D&C 122;7). He then goes on to say that by living the Gospel we will become more aware of situations where we can do good. I know I am surrounded by people who are trying to be disciples of Christ. The kindness of people around me continues to amaze me. The little notes in the mail, the calls, and the darling gifts I received honoring Kamber on her birthday last week will never be forgotten. Thank you all for caring about my feelings. I hope to become a better disciple of Christ myself.

Emotional Week

I can't believe another week has passed by. Life is turning into a whirlwind for us. We had Kamber's birthday celebration on Tues., a ward Valentine dinner last night, Trace's baptism today and we just got home from a dear friend's 65th birthday party. I have spent the most part of the last two weeks trying to clean house, decorate, and finish projects to prepare for this week. As I was sitting in the car with Troy on Fri. morning while Mindi ran in to Hobby Lobby I started having really bad anxiety. I felt totally overwhelmed with what was asked of me. I was to host 4-5 couples in my home for a ward party. I was having the whole family over for a luncheon after Trace's baptism. How could I possibly do that? I was feeling really bad about losing Kamber and not being able to come to grips with that loss. I have heard that when you start feeling that pressure, to start writing down all your blessings. So, I grabbed my purse and found a small slip of paper and started listing all the things I was grateful for. After writing down about 20 things on my paper I started feeling a little better. It took my mind off all the worries I had and I concentrated on the positive things going on in my life. I do have so many blessings. I have been told that I am a negative person, that I only see the bad in every situation. We had a great day today. I felt the spirit really strong. But I also felt the missing child that wasn't there with our family. I hope time will heal this hole in my heart.

Up and Down

Have you ever noticed how when you have a good day, a special day, whether it's Christmas, a wedding, a birthday, or even after Conference, you always seem to have a major letdown the next day? S0 went my day today. We had such a special day yesterday remembering Kamber on her birthday. We met at the cemetery in the late afternoon and wrote messages to her on little papers. We tied them to the balloons and let them go at the same time. We watched them until we couldn't see them anymore. Then we went to Ethan and Jenn's and had pizza, salad and birthday cake. When I was at the cemetery I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel her there. But when we got to the house for dinner, Jenn had a cute little list of things that Kamber likes. It was very emotional for me and I could feel her spirit really strong. Ethan and Jenn continue to amaze me with how strong they are. I know in their private time they struggle, but they are an example to me. As everyone knows, I love animals. I help a friend of mine rescue unwanted or found rabbits, birds and tortoises. Well, I had a little white rabbit that the other rabbits were beating up. They hurt his back and bit his tale until it was bleeding. So I made the decision to move him over into another pen with the tortoises. He was doing really well and yesterday he was hopping all around and looked happy. Well, this morning Rich came in to tell me that my little white rabbit had been killed and almost eaten by my dogs. The gate is broken and it hadn't been secured enough so they jumped over the barrier and killed him. I am smart enough to know that this is just a rabbit and there will be more where he came from, but it put me in a bad place for today. Life is hard. It is full of good times and bad. My Dad always says, "The sun will come up tomorrow." Rich says,"Some days are diamonds, and some are stones." Well, the sun will come up tomorrow, but today was a stone.

This is after we let all of the balloons go.

KAMBER'S BIRTHDAY!

What a wonderful day. We had a good storm last night and in Arizona that is always a treat. As I went out to feed my cat and water the plants on the front porch I thought of how pretty my flowers are getting and how much they must have loved the rain. When people come to the door they always say how good my flowers smell. I remember a few months ago when Rich and his guys were planting them. I had to go inside my house and have a good cry. But, it has almost been 7 months now and I think as a family we are moving closer towards acceptance. I believe that the Lord's hand is in everything. We can't pick and choose which experiences he has his hand in. People have been so kind to us. I have felt their prayers and I hope to be worthy to receive the spirit to help me. I just went out to get the mail and there was a note from some dear friends. It was a saying that Elder Wirthlin gave in the Oct. 2008 conference. He has since passed away. It says, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." I know that because of our love for Kamber it has changed who we are. I hope we can be among the faithful Elder Wirthlin was talking about. Happy Birthday precious Kamber, we will always remember and love you.

The Big Elephant

I was talking to a friend today and explaining how I feel about the big pink elephant sitting in my house. Maybe I don't have a pink elephant in my house, but I do have a dark cloud hanging over my head. It follows me everywhere I go. Sometimes the elephant leaves and the sun shines through the clouds, but most of the time they don't. My sister called and told me she and her husband have been asked to give a talk in church this week. The subject is "Surviving Spritual Hurricanes." She wanted to know if I had any insight on that. I sent over Rich's talk on "Gratitude for Adversity," and another talk by Brude Hafen. As I read that talk I realized that we can't show empathy and charity to others without going through some form of affliction, physical or mental first. I look around and there is suffering everywhere. I have a new understanding of suffering now. Elder Maxwell said "If we are serious about our discipleship, Jesus will eventually request each of us to do those very things which are most difficult for us to do." I hope someday to become a better Disciple.

Primary Spirit

Mindi and I have the amazing job of teaching the 10-11 year-old girls in Primary. This age is so special because they are still really innocent and not yet obnoxious, (well most of the time.) We are learning about the restoration of the gospel by Joseph Smith. I swear I learn more than they do. After Kamber passed away we took a month off from teaching. We didn't know whether we would be able to go back to Primary with all those little kids. I have to admit the first couple of weeks were hard. I would think, Kamber isn't ever going to be in a Sacrament Program, get baptised or give a talk. One night as I was having a "Kamber Moment" I was telling Rich about how hard it is for me to see all those kids and what she is missing. He then told me that she doesn't need to do any of that stuff. She is already promised the Celestial Kingdom. This month we are learning a new song. I have never heard it before. It is "The Family Is of God." When I woke up this morning the words to this song kept going through my mind. The words to the first verse are,"Our Father has a family, It's me! It's you, all others too: we are His children. He sent each one of us to earth, through birth, To live and learn here in families." The the chorus says,"God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be. This is how He shares His love, for the family is of God." I am so thankful that Kamber is part of our family. I don't know why she was taken home so soon, but I hope to live worthy to see her again.

My Father is 80!

Wow am I getting old. My Dad turned 80 on January 29, 2009. We had a party for him at Mi Amigos with over sixty family members attending. Ethan asked me how it felt to have my parents so old. I responded with " I thought they were old when I was a teenager and they were in their 30's." My Dad is a survivor. His father, my grandfather died when he was 2 days old from typhoid fever. That left my grandmother a widow and single mother at 20 years old. He had a very rough childhood with a stepfather and alcoholism a problem for he and his little sister. They lived in a small town in the White Mountains where he lived until coming to ASU on a basketball scholarship. He had a terrible football injury in high school that has given him trouble his whole life, but he is an avid golfer and in his prime a great basketball referee. In his golden years he has had two hip replacements, one knee replacement and is fighting a battle with prostate cancer. They gave him 18 months to live 6 years ago and the doctors can't believe how good he's doing. He didn't want us to make a big deal out of him reaching 80, but our kids and grandkids don't know how lucky they are to have a living grandfather and great-grandfather. I never knew either of my grandfathers so I'm happy my children and grandchildren know him. My Mom will turn 80 in November so we are going to pamper her so she can make it to that milestone also. We are so happy to still have them around. They are such a good example to us and we couldn't do it without their love and support.