"I Am Not In Charge"

Everyday I have a list of things I need to get done. Some days I am pretty productive but others seem to go by without accomplishing anything. Yesterday my sister and I planned on going to the oncologist with our parents. It has been a month since Dad had radiation so he needed to see the doctor.  Mell picked me up at 9:30 a.m. for his 10:00 o'clock appointment. When we got there they realized there had been a mistake and the doctor isn't even in on Thursday morning. They rescheduled the appointment for 1:00 p.m. and we left. I went with my parents to the farmer's market to get some vegetables for the corn party they are having in their ward next week. We came back to my house where I fed them lunch and we visited until it was time to meet my sister back at the doctor's. This time we got to see the doctor and discuss how Dad is feeling. The doctor was pleased with the lack of pain he is having, gave him a new prescription and sent us on our way. He won't need to go back until December. As my sister and I were driving home we talked about something the doctor said. It went something like, "I'm not in charge, so I have no idea how long he can fight this, maybe three to five years." We have just been hoping he can hang in there until Lennie gets home from his mission next June. Is there a possibility it will be a lot longer than that? None of us are guaranteed even one more day, but when a loved one has cancer it makes you thankful for each day you can talk to them and be with them. Even though I didn't get much done yesterday, I had a day with my parents that someday I will look back on and wish I had a lot more days like yesterday.

Rainbows, Butterflies & Chocolate Milk

I'm finishing up making twelve dozen green corn tamales to give away to friends and family, I'm tired and a little bit grouchy. I had a chiropractic appt. but had to miss it because Miss Trulie was still napping. It's a half day at school, so the little children will be home soon and Tristyn has her first volleyball game of the season tonight. What a busy life I live, full of things to do and places to go, constantly. We celebrated Dallas's birthday Monday night with a family party at Fuddruckers. The kids love to play the games in the back and try to win prizes worth about a dollar that end up costing a fortune. Oh Well, it's only money. As Rich and I were coming home after the organized chaos of the evening, we realized that having lots of children and grandchildren is so much fun, but it comes with some struggles also. As parents it's hard to let your kids go, hope they will choose to live the gospel and teach their children by example. We also know that each one of them have their free agency to choose for themselves how they will live. That's really scary for me, I was a stay at home Mom whose life work has been my kids, letting go is hard. I did the best I could but realize my short comings. Sometimes I'm afraid that I share too much of my disappointments on my blog and I seem really down, depressed and dark. Someone told me the other day they were told by someone that reads my blog that I'm not a very good example or positive influence on people. I don't try and sugar coat my life or my kids, my husband or feelings, maybe I should wait until my life is all rainbows, butterflies and chocolate milk before I write anymore, I'm sure that's going to happen soon.

"Life Isn't Fair"

I think the first time in my life I can remember I felt that "life isn't fair" was when I was around five years old. My uncle was killed while serving in the Air Force when his plane crashed into a mountain in northern Arizona. I remember my aunt and her four children coming to live with us until they settled into their own home and she remarried. As I grew up, got married and had my own children there were plenty of times I would think life had dealt me a bad hand to play. Two weeks ago while Spencer was in training camp with the Patriots, he suffered a hard hit to the head, a concussion. This was the first time in his football career when the injury involved the head. He took three weeks off and then while playing in his first game on Friday night, one of his teammates rolled over on his leg, hurting his surgically repaired knee. This morning as I was saying my prayers asking that he would be watched over and that the Patriots would see his talent and if it was meant to be, he would make their team. Over the last five years we have seen the workings of the NFL and sometimes it isn't pretty or kind, it's a business. I didn't have a nice warm feeling, nothing horrible, just not a good feeling about him staying and playing 2,000 miles away in the freezing cold. So sure enough, we got the call this morning that he was cut from the team. I wasn't surprised and he feels a sense of relief.  I think there comes a time when you get tired of being injured and worry about the toll it's taking on your body. He says he's done, I hope he'll look at all of his options. If I had it my way they would be heading home today, but they have a house to sell and a baby due in six weeks. Life isn't fair, but I do know that our Heavenly Father is watching over him and will guide him to the next village and new opportunities.

Visiting the Mansion

It's been raining all week so we are floating over here, it's raining now, so I haven't been able to feed my critters yet. Yesterday Mindi and I went to Paradise Valley to look at a job Rich is doing in a house, a mansion, that you can only dream about. I grew up in Scottsdale in a very humble house on Holly St. that my school teacher parents made sure was clean and well taken care of. As we pulled onto the little gravel road we could see this house on top of the mountain and wondered if the puddle jumper mini van could make it up the hill. The house is majestic, 23,000 square feet of marble, stone and rock. It has four kitchens, three laundry rooms, five bedroom suites and too many bathrooms to count. We climbed up the staircase to the second floor and then took an elevator back down. It is still under renovation, so we just got a glimpse of what it will actually look like when finished. As we walked through this house, taking pictures of everything I found wonderful, I was so overwhelmed with it's beauty. BUT, who could ever take care of a house like this or afford it? The views from the windows in some of the rooms were breathtaking. The pool was sparkling with blue iridescent tile. It had a swim up bar for entertaining and the pool was built on top of the mountain. WOW! That's all I can say about this experience. As we were leaving I was wondering how many families could be taken care of for just the money being spent remodeling this one. On the other hand, I am so thankful that some people have the money to hire companies like ours to do the work. We are blessed. As I walked in my house, with dishes in the sink and laundry to do, I was just thankful that I have a house, but I did ask Rich what he could do to make my house just a little bit like the mansion. All I got was a weird look and the rolling of the eyes, "our house is just fine." I can always dream!

"Truth, Forgivness, and Self-Love"

I have talked a lot about how my Dad and I didn't get along that well while I was growing up. It has caused some real problems for me in relationships in my family, especially my husband. My grandfather died when my Dad was three days old. He was raised by his Mom and alcoholic step-father and had a very sad life living in poverty with no love and support. My husband was adopted by his step-father and was raised in a family where alcohol was a problem also. As I have done some counseling to get over some of my issues, I realize how important it is when raising children that we have good relationships with them and show how much they are loved and wanted. I struggle everyday with low self-esteem, depression, grief, sorrow and many other emotions that get in the way of feeling joy in this life. Last night as Rich and I were talking about some of our family issues, we can see the "sins of the Fathers" passed on from generations to generations. I have heard my Dad tell me several times how he wished he could go back and raise me again. He would do better, now that he knows the damage, he's sorry. I reflected on my own life and how I wish I could go back, take a deep breath and start all over again. I would change so many things in my life and how I acted, the way I treated people, the mistakes I made. As I finished the book "The Mastery of Love", he talks about how to heal our emotional lives, he says, "three simple points: the truth, forgiveness, and self-love." Life is always going to be hard in some aspects, that's why we are here, so until I'm called home I will be working on changing those things about me that are keeping me from that "Heaven on Earth" where I wish I lived.

Saved From the Boy Scouts

What Boy Scouts??

These last couple of weeks have been hard. We broke all kinds of records for high temps which always puts me in the toilet and trying to find a way our of here. I also had a call that a neighbor we had in Lehi passed away and Candi's two nephews were in a bad car accident the first day of school. It seems like there are trials and sadness everywhere. Mindi and I have been trying hard to get rid of our animals. I sold three cockatiels, eight chickens and three of my other animals perished in the heat. That's a good start. I'm hoping that by next summer I won't be here sweltering day after day. On Wed. I got a call from a young man inquiring about my chickens I'm trying to sell. He had a really nice young voice and I could tell he was a good person. He asked me about how old the chickens are and I never know what someone is looking for until I ask. When he answered, "to be honest," I knew I was in trouble. "I am looking for chickens that we can kill and butcher tonight at Boy Scouts." Yeek! That's just as bad as the call I got one time that wanted six rabbits to feed to his pet snake. I wouldn't have made a good pioneer or a farm girl because I know that animals were put on the earth to eat, but not my personal friends. I'm sad when the heat gets them and totally grief stricken when the dogs kill them, but handing them over for the boy scouts to kill is not okay. Hopefully I can find good homes for them with people who won't put them in the freezer.

My Important Mission

Yesterday Candi took me to the dentist for a cleaning. There is nothing better than smooth clean teeth, except maybe See's chocolates.  On the way we were talking about a recent incident that happened to her, kind of a road rage confrontation after she drove on the wrong side of the street in the parking lot of a Kohl's store.  Candi has always been really brave, and doesn't take stuff from anyone, but has gotten better since getting some "anger management" therapy. She is so much fun to be around and I love her dearly. Anyway, as we were talking, I could tell this really bothered her. I told her that I'm the same way, when someone says something hurtful to me it takes me a long time to get over it. It seems like it plays in my brain like a recording over and over again.  I've been reading a book called  "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz. This morning in my reading he was talking about being completely honest with ourselves. How we can't control what happens around us, like what people say to us, but we can control our reactions to them. One paragraph says, "becoming aware is about being responsible for your own life. You are not responsible for what is happening in the world. You are responsible for yourself. You didn't make the world the way it is before you were born.  You didn't come here with a great mission to save the world, to change society, but surely you come with a big mission, an important mission. The real mission you have in life is to make yourself happy, and in order to be happy, you have to look at what you believe, the way you judge yourself, the way you victimize yourself." I know I feel judged all the time about my weight, my animals, my limp, my spirituality and lots more things. The mission is now to try and change my situation so that I can make myself a happy person, which is going to be a hard challenge, but one I need to work on.

Sunshine in my Soul Today?

Yesterday morning when I went out to feed my animals before church, I found one of my rabbits dead in the cage. With the temperatures around 113-115 degrees all week, I'm surprised that all of them haven't died. I brought him in and put him on my bench to bury when I got home. As I was getting ready and listening to a CD,  the song, "There is Sunshine in My Soul Today," came on. As I listened to the words "when the peaceful happy moments roll. When Jesus shows his smiling face, There is sunshine in my soul." I don't know why that made me so teary, I guess I wasn't feeling the sunshine at that time. Everywhere I look there are things to do and challenges to overcome. Sometimes I wonder where to start on my journey and don't know which trial I work on first. The last verse of the song says, "There is gladness in my should today, And Hope and praise and love, For blessings which he gives me now, For joys 'laid up' above." That's the only thing I can hope for now is that someday the joy, gladness and hope will carry me through.

Hoping For A Cooldown

This is the time of year when I'm done with summer. As I listened to the news this morning and they said it was going to be another record setting day at 115 degrees, I told Rich I need to find somewhere else to live in the summer because I'm going crazy. Who can live in these conditions? Even though our homes, cars, stores and everything else have air conditioning, it still is just plain old HOT. My animals are suffering and my Mom just called to let me know that they haven't had any cool air since yesterday afternoon. That can't be safe for two elderly people to be in a house without cooling. Hopefully the repairman will get there soon, otherwise we will have them come over with one of us kids. The good news is that by next Thurs. we will be back to a cool 105, so we can be thankful for that. As I was talking to a friend yesterday my question was, "are we just expected to endure all of these trials?" His answer was, "that is pretty much it." Life is going to be hard but I had no idea when I was young how bad it was going to get. As I was talking to Candi yesterday about how B.J.'s two nephews were doing after a terrible car accident after school on Wed. she said, "you know Mom it could be a whole lot worse." I'm thankful for my own adversity and know that some of it is self inflicted. I also know that the blessings I receive on a daily basis are appreciated. I'm going to look on the bright side for a minute, the kids are back in school, it's football season, and it might be ten degrees cooler by next week.YEH!

Can I Cheer Up Yet?

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Yesterday was a busy day with 8:00 a.m. church and then we had a birthday party for Major, Tristyn and Jenn. The phone rang at 10:45 last night with Ethan telling me the dogs had gotten out of his gate and after looking for them for an hour he was "done". He didn't want them back and didn't care what happened to them. When I went outside to feed my animals I found one of my male rabbits had dug a hole and gotten into the other cage and beat the crap out of my white English Lop. Trace went in for the rescue and I brought him in the house to clean him up and doctor his wounds. Why is my life just so full of challenges? Are they self inflicted? One of the lessons yesterday was on being more commited and giving more service. That brings on the guilt and shame for me, but I will try and do better. Yesterday as we had most of our kids, grand kids, plus my parents here, I wondered how important each one of them is to us. What would our lives be without the last two babies, Trulie and Reagan? Each person in our family are so important but we are still missing the puzzle piece that was taken away four years ago. Will we ever get over the pain? Anyway, when Ethan got up this morning the two labs were on his porch hungry, I guess his wish didn't come true and they came back. I can cheer up now! Happy Birthday to Jenn today!!

Ups and Downs This Week

This week has been busy with ups and downs, happiness and sadness for me. After the party on Tues. I was up most of the night in pain. It was our usual day to see the chiropractor so off we went. He decided to try something new to help me. He had his little helper strap me on a machine that would pull my spine and hopefully relieve some of the pressure in my poor arthritic lower back and hip. At first I was cinched so tight I said, "oh he*% no, I'm not doing this." Anyway, the doctor heard all the commotion and came over and put it on so I could handle it. I had to lay there for seven minutes while this machine pulled with 60 pounds of pressure on my legs. I don't know what came over me but as I was on the table I began to cry. I was thinking of my poor Dad laying on a table getting zapped by radiation. It was also Aug. 1st the day we buried our sweet Kamber girl, I'm sure that was bouncing around in my brain too. I had also gotten a call from Spencer and could tell he was missing his family and struggling in training camp. I have noticed lately that I'm having some of the same thoughts and feelings I did four years ago as I watched Ethan and Jenn suffer through their loss. Now those same feelings of not being able to take away the pain is coming as I worry about my Dad and what he will go through next. Life continues to move on and teach me lessons I must need. All the things I have never wanted to experience seem to have come to pass, I need to figure out how to control my fears so I won't keep creating them. Adversity is just a part of this mortal life we all are going through, I hope I'm up to the task at hand.

Olympics and Birthdays

Between staying up too late watching the Olympics and birthday parties, I'm pooped. I've always loved the Olympics and am in awe of all the athletic talent in the world and especially proud of our American athletes. Today Annie had a little birthday party for Gunnar and Abney before she leaves to go back to Boston. Poor Spencer is alone, killing himself in training camp trying to make the Patriot's team. That's one thing so hard about the NFL, you have to try-out every year and just hope you make the team, of course unless you are Tom Brady or Peyton Manning. All of our grand kids are so special to us. We love them all and each one of them have a certain personality and spirit. Gunnar is special because he was born on the day we buried sweet Kamber four years ago. When I talk to him, he makes me smile. He is a little pistol and is the second child, so that says it all. I wish we had time to get some pictures taken of the kids, but Annie's baby is due in eleven weeks, so it would already be outdated. My Dad made it through his last radiation treatment today, he has seemed a little bit "out of sorts" at times, but today he looked really good and was smiling. We will see now what the chemo oncologist says as to what treatment we will do next. At times I can feel myself going back into the dark with the same emotions I had four years ago when we lost Kamber. I have NO control over what happens, and I can't make it better. So we continue to build on our faith that families can be together forever and we will see each other again in the eternities and have hope in the future, that's all we have.

Acts Of Kindness for Kamber

I have been so troubled about the recent events with the shootings in Colorado and the abduction of two cousins in Iowa that I have wondered what I could do to change my mood. I've also been wondering how I would feel today with it being four years since the passing of our dear Kamber. For the last couple of weeks I've thought about how our lives have changed since that terribly sad day. Has my testimony grown? Have I become better, instead of bitter? As I woke up this morning I started thinking about all the blessings we have been given in those four years. Six more grandchildren have been born, with another one on the way in October. Even with the bad economy we have been able to scrape by and save our home and business. My parents have hung in there even with Dad's cancer as they have worked in the Temple and served where needed. Lennie and Julie are serving a mission in Washington with only 10 more months left. While lying in bed this morning I had an overwhelming feeling that Kamber is so happy. She has gone home and I know is surrounded by family and friends she knew before she came to earth. I decided that the only thing I could do to honor her was to try and do kind acts of service today and be happy. I started by swimming in the pool with my friend, talking about our lives and losses. Then I got ready, picked some grapefruit for my Dad, bought him some donuts and went to the place where he's having radiation. After we left there I came home and made some caramel corn to take visiting teaching and then off  running some more errands. As we were going to the chiropractor I reminded Mindi's kids that this is the day Kamber left us and we were going to try and be kind all day long. I know it's going to be a stretch for us and we shouldn't have to make a day to try and be kind, but it is what it is. So, today we are going to try and do random acts of service all day long and be happy that we have an angel in heaven that loves us and she knows we love her and will see her again. She is inspiration for all that is good in the world, the innocence of little children and their purity.

Flicker Of Hope

Saturday night I was alone here when a storm moved through. The dust was so thick I could hardly see anything outside, it looked like night even though it was only 4:30 in the afternoon. After the dust cleared the rain started to fall, I love the summer storms in Arizona, but this morning my pool is full of dirt. We've been out trying to clean up because it is Max's second birthday and we are having a little get together tonight. I've been busy trying to finish up some quilts for my grand kids, they are all getting so big they require quilts that at least cover their feet. Max loves the movie "Cars" so that is what he's getting for his birthday, everything related to cars. This week is going to be busy with birthday parties, Spencer starts training camp, Ethan's girls start school and Annie and her kids are coming from Boston for a visit. I can't wait to see them. I'm also trying really hard to be strong as I worry about my Dad and his cancer treatments and get through the fourth anniversary of Kamber's passing. Sometimes I wish I had more faith that things will work out, I have a flicker of hope, but not that bright beaming candle I should have. Life continues to move on and the sun keeps coming up every morning, that's a good thing.

Will I Ever Feel Joy Again?

I made it through another week. Dad had three radiation treatments and Jenn had two tests on her gallbladder. I hate to see her sick but I got to see the grand kids while she was at the doctor, that was fun. Mindi kept the babies and non swimmers in the house while I took all the older kids out back to swim. They are all good swimmers except Brookie who was stressing over the creepy crawler the whole time, so I finally sent her back inside with Mindi. Today is the birthday of the son of a dear friend of mine who was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years ago. She comes over in the morning and we exercise, okay, we talk while moving around in the water. Knowing that it was Rhett's birthday today and Kamber's death date on Wed., I asked her how her life has changed since he passed away. I wasn't surprised to hear her say, "I have a hard time feeling any joy in my life since he died." Huh! It is hard after suffering a loss of a child to see the good in life and feel happy, I know that by experience. There have been times when I just get in a bad mood and then realise that I'm right back in the grieving process again. I hate it! Someday I hope to get through these negative thoughts, but I know my life will keep getting more complicated as my parents go through the aging process and my grand kids start hitting puberty and teenage years which always brings out stress, but I'm thankful for every trial I've been given, it has made me who I am and hopefully it makes me a better person.

"Thanks Be to God"

The week is already half way over and I don't think I'm getting much done. I went to lunch with a friend on Monday and then shopping for birthdays, went to the beauty supplies with Candi yesterday and then to the oncologist for moral support with my parents. Then today we watched Ethan and Jenn's kids so Jenn could go to the doctor, then went to spend time with my Mom while Dad was getting his first radiation treatment. My mind seems to be spinning in many directions, especially in the night when I wake up around 4:00 a.m. and can't get back to sleep. We have known about Dad's cancer for ten years now, but he seemed to be healthy and no visible signs of the cancer spreading, then now we are faced with some treatments that hopefully will prolong his life, at least for a little while. I was reading yesterday a talk given by Elder Russell M. Nelson called, "Thanks Be to God." There was a part that spoke to me in spirit, it said, "If the body's capacity for normal function, defense, repair, regulation, and regeneration were to prevail without limit, life here would continue in perpetuity. Yes, we would be stranded here on earth! Mercifully for us, our Creator provided for aging and other processes that would ultimately result in our physical death. Death, like birth, is part of life.Scripture teaches that "it was not expedient that man should be reclaimed from this temporal death, for that would destroy the great plan of happiness." To return to God through the gateway we call death is a joy for those who love Him and are prepared to meet Him." We are praying for Dad and for all our family, that we will be ready to meet Him when that time comes, and I have faith that whatever happens will be His will.

Love the Monsoons

The summers in Arizona are almost unbearable, even for those of us who have lived in the desert since birth. The one thing we look forward to are the monsoons, we usually get more rain in the summer than our winter storms. The problem is after a good rain we get the humidity, but at least it cools down for a few hours. It seems like it's been a long time since we got a storm like the one we are having right now. The thunder was roaring for about a half an hour straight and then the rain came, it's pretty bad when it rains out my fish and water turtles. I decided that while it rained I would finish Trulie's birthday quilt. I took it all the way to Utah with me so I could get it finished, but it's finished now. When it quits raining we will have to go out and do some damage control, I was going to get in the pool this afternoon, but maybe not now.

The Quilt Walkers

As Rich and I were traveling home on Sunday from a week of reunions we got a radio station called "The Sounds of Sunday."  We were happy to hear uplifting music and talks as we drove South through all those little Utah towns. There was a talk given by President Monson in 1998 titled,  "Look to God and Live." I was feeling homesick, tired and anxious to get home and as I listened to the words, he was speaking to my heart. Some of the quotes I remember were, "life is a school of experience, a time of probation. We learn as we bear afflictions and live through our heartaches." "Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life, let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured, and then have overcome." As we arrived in Panguitch,  there was a statue of a guy holding a quilt. Rich's sister had told us the story of the pioneers who were freezing to death in the snow so they got down on their knees in a prayer cirlcle on a quilt.The answer was to lay their quilts down and walk across them. There were seven guys who were named the quilt walkers. One of the guys was a decendent of Rich's so we took some pictures before we continued on our way home.

Going Home

Last week while Rich and I were on our little trip I got the call that my Dad, who has had prostate cancer for ten years was having some tests run. On Thursday he had a bone scan to see if the cancer has spread to his bones. On Friday evening I got the call that the news wasn't good, the scan showed cancer in his shoulder, clavicle, femur, ribs and a few other places. My Dad's attitude was, "let's just let nature take it's course," but our family won't let him give up yet. I called my kids to let them know the news and so Spencer decided to change his plans and fly in late last night to see Dad before leaving for Denver tonight for some treatments to get ready for his season. We went out to lunch and then my sister and I went with my parents to the radiation oncologist. Next week he will start  having a series of ten radiation treatments that will help with the pain he has been having, after that we will see another doctor and try something else. As  my sister and I reflected on the day, it is one of those things that you know you will have to go through, but when it's happening it doesn't seem real. My brother Lennie is on a mission in Washington and we need his help if things get really bad. In fifteen days it will be four years since our sweet Kamber went home, I don't know how long it will be before my Dad will join her, I pray he will be able to rally around this and do all he can to fight, but I know we will all go home someday. I read something once that said we won't be on this earth one day longer than is appointed by our Heavenly Father, so when that time comes, we will all go home where we came from.

Our Trip to Utah

 

Wow! Boy is it nice to be home and sleep in my own bed. We got home last night after spending six days in the car traveling through Utah and Arizona attending  high school and  family reunions. Rich drove 1700 miles visiting family and friends and seeing where he grew up and went to school. We spent the the 4th of July going to the parade, visiting his aunt and uncle in Monroe, his best friend in Glenwood and then we watched the fireworks alone, sitting in the truck, by the swimming pool in Richfield. On the 5th we headed north to Manti so Rich could attend the Manti Temple, something he has wanted to do for a long time.  It was cool and raining as I sat in the car working on Trulie's birthday quilt. Then we were on our way to Salt Lake to see his sister and her family. After doing a little quilt and fabric shopping, we had a delicious dinner and got some rest. On Friday we headed northeast to where the family reunion was held in Roosevelt, Utah. Rich and his brother-in-law did a little service project for a cousin who is in poor health.  They spent about seven hours building some stairs on the back of his house that had been in terrible condition. The family reunion was on  Saturday. It was so fun and we got to see all the cousins and their kids from Rich's side. By then I was extremely homesick, tired and missed my own children and grandchildren as I watched all the other family surrounded by their families. We left there at about 6:00 p.m. and started back to Richfield which was three hours away, we thought we might try and drive through the night but then decided we were just too tired so we ended up staying with his best friend Randy in Glenwood before heading home Sunday morning. I have lots more to talk about but am busy trying to get my house back together and laundry done, Spencer is coming in tonight for a 24 hour visit and I have to find somewhere for him to sleep. I miss him so much and wish Annie and the kids were coming to, but hopefully we will see them in a month or so.