What am I to learn?

I had a good friend come up to me at church and tell me she read my blog and was sorry I was having such a bad time. I could see that she really did care about me and I appreciated her concern, but was embarrassed that my blog has become so depressing. I do look through the dark part of the glass (or the glass half empty) most of the time. I wish I were are bubbly happy person who scatters sunshine every where I go, but that's just not my nature. When I was about 7 years old we were in Springerville for our usual vacation to visit my grandparents. They had a log cabin and pigs and chickens. They also had a cool irrigation ditch in front of their house that we would dig in. My sister Mell, brother Lennie and I were in the ditch playing when my grandmother came running out of the house screaming that the house was on fire. My mother who had just come out of the house to tell us to be quiet because my little brother Ben, who was one at the time, was in taking a nap. When my mom realized that Ben was in the burning house, she and my sister went and broke the window with their fists and pulled him out. It was a miracle because Ben could walk and he wasn't asleep yet, he could have easily walked out of the room into the burning house and we would not have been able to save him. I just remember standing in the ditch saying "I am going to die" over and over. I remember a lady comforting me and saying, "you aren't going to die, you are safe." Through counseling I have realized that having that experience at a very young age has caused some of my fears, phobias and anxieties.

Since Kamber passed away I have gone through the gamete of emotions from extreme sorrow to being so angry I could hurt someone. The worst part of it is you never know which emotion you will have or what will trigger it.

Yesterday at church one of the talks really made sense to me. She said, "when you are going through trials you need to pray and ask, what am I to learn from this trial?" I have thought long and hard about that ever since and realized that I really haven't asked Heavenly Father that question. I have been too worried about how I feel and not about what I should learn from this. I do know that I felt the Holy Ghost stonger than I ever have in my life during that week between her death and the funeral. I know he is the comforter, and that my Heavenly Father loves me. He has allowed me to be the grandmother of an angel child. As hard as it is, it is also a great blessing to know she dwells with the "best of the best." I hope I will be worhty some day to live with her.