I Hit The Wall

The last couple of days have been really hard for me. I was wondering last week why I felt like I was coping really well, until I hit the wall yesterday. After church Mindi and I went to Scottsdale to pick up Mom for dinner and to watch the Super Bowl. We had also planned on having a little get together with all my cousins that live here and those visiting for the funeral. When we got to the door to the house we could hear Mom playing the piano. She has taken lessons for a long time and still at eighty-six is trying to improve. She told me once that the reason she doesn't give up is because when she dies and sees her Mother, she wants her to be proud that she kept up with her piano playing. Her teacher told me that Dad had said that sometimes he just stands near the living room listening to her play and it sounds beautiful to him. While standing at the door I noticed that my Dad's brand new truck is still parked the same way it was the last time he drove. He had come over to MD Anderson for his last chemotherapy treatment. After that Spencer and I played Mom and Dad in a game of Rook before we went out for Mexican food. That was the last real food he ever ate and two weeks later he was gone. So many memories that are going to crop up when I least expect them is going to be the hardest. Today I went to lunch with a couple of friends and then shopping with one of them. I walked around the stores in a daze and left with one thing, a new pair of slippers that I got for free. I do want to thank everyone for being so kind to me at this very sad time. One day last week I received a package that said, To Rustin and Gage and then on the back said, from a Dewey's Delight Blog Reader, and then a smiley face. I don't know who was so nice to send a package, but thank you very much. I have also gotten some of the nicest cards ever, one from a wonderful friend in Utah, I appreciate everyone who has been mourning with me these last couple of weeks. I know Dad is in a better place and is out of pain. I know he is having some wonderful reunions with his friends and family on the other side. I know someday we will all join him, but until then and until I can finally find acceptance, I'm going to be sad, my Dad's gone.  I wish I could just have one more time to talk to him.  I need some help and some advice but until I go down the same road he went I feel so alone. Hopefully it will get easier as the days pass, until then I hope he's helping me from above.