When Did This Happen?

I have to admit these last few years and especially these last three months have been unbearable. This morning as I was taking a look back in time I wondered when all this happened. When did I lose my identity and my self esteem? When did I stop loving myself, making it hard to love anyone else around me? When did I let other people tell me who and what I am? Maybe it's the loss of hormones or the wisdom of age, but something has awakened in me and I need a change. Last night as I was brushing my teeth a thought came in to my mind. Why didn't Mom ask for help when Dad was so sick after his last dose of chemotherapy? We all knew he was really sick but none of us kids really knew just how sick he was. So this morning I asked Mom why she didn't reach out to us for help. Her answer was usual Barb, "you were all so busy with your own lives, I didn't want to bother you, I was doing fine." It's easy to second guess everything that has happened in life. If I would have known Dad was going to die I would have spent every second I could talking to him and trying to relieve his pain. So my life goes on wondering what I could have done better or different to change my life. One time when I was questioning some of my choices a friend told me, "the past happened the way the past happened, because that's the way the past happened." So it doesn't really matter what mistakes I've made in the past, the future hasn't happened yet, all I have is this moment, this second right now.  A few months ago when our home teachers were over Rich made the comment that he felt guilty he didn't have enough adversity in his life. As he looked around at others trials he felt he needed a big dose of adversity. If looks could have killed, I think he would be dead, because I think we have plenty of adversity right now. Unfortunately the adversity Rich wants, affects the rest of us and that's not fair. So life goes on, there are dishes and laundry to do and ten quilts waiting to be finished, and errands to run. How do I get myself back? The person that the Savior loves and is proud of, that's the question I want answered from Heaven. All the advice I get from Mom is "just do the best you can."